"Wendy's Wins"

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/46784487/ns/business-stocks_and_economy/

A food industry research firm reports that Wendy’s has overtaken Burger King as the 2^nd biggest hamburger chain in U.S. sales, behind leader McDonald’s.  As a result, Wendy is already demanding to be called “Your Highness.”

Burger King likes to say they sell the best burger, but that is a Whopper.

Needless to say, the Executives at Burger King are broiling.

Now, if Wendy’s slips back, the mood there is expected to be Frosty.

McDonald's is still number 1, despite the fact that for years, the Hamburglar has been robbing them blind.

All three burger chains are trying to not only kill their competition, but to kill all of America. 

"Not-So-Gentle Giant"

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/idolchatter/post/2012/03/jermaine-jones-disqualified-american-idol/1?csp=hf#.T2EWlcU192A

American Idol has disqualified velvety baritone contestant Jermaine Jones for concealing 2 arrests, one involving violence, and giving false names to the police on both occasions.  Idol was upset because the false names he used were Kelly Clarkson and Carrie Underwood.

This isn’t Idol’s first controversy with a contestant who had a criminal history.  For example, there was the season when Taylor Hicks stole the title from Katherine McFee.

Idol producers were concerned that, due to his violent criminal history, if Jermaine got mad he might pick up Ryan Seacrest and use him as a blunt object.

"Lottery Loser"

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/ondeadline/post/2012/03/jury-lottery-winner-must-share-cash-with-co-workers/1#.T2EWm8U192A

A jury decided today that a New Jersey lottery winner has to share the $38.5 million won with a pool of 5 co-workers, who purchased 12 tickets together for $2 apiece.  The jury couldn’t do anything, however, about their future awkward silences around the water cooler.

The six men were part of a construction team, and the one who took their collective’s money to bought the tickets had claimed the entire prize as his own in 2009.  His integrity caused the other workers to A. file a lawsuit, and B. go back and check the materials in every construction project he had ever worked on.

At least the attempted lottery swindle proves that he was a jerk even before he became rich.

"American Pi"

Today is “Pi Day,” because it is 3-14, and Pi is approximated as 3.14.  The day was celebrated by math nerds approximating a life.

A tradition has sprung up to bake and eat pie to mark the day.  Just don’t cut that pie in half and then try to exactly calculate the circumference divided by its diameter.

"Pre-flight Freak-out"

http://travel.usatoday.com/flights/post/2012/03/american-airlines-flight-attendant-dfw/644612/1

An American Airlines flight was delayed before take-off when a flight attendant had a medical episode causing her to start ranting over the PA system that the plane was going to crash.  It got everyone to shut up about the bad food, though.

The flight attendant was quickly taken to the hospital for an emergency evaluation, though thankfully, not by helicopter.

"Hooray for Dick!"

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/entertainment/post/2012/03/dick-van-dyke-86-marries-arlene-silver/1?csp=hf#.T1qKLsA192A

It was announced this week that Dick Van Dyke, age 86, married his make-up artist, Arlene Silver, age 40 on Leap Day.  What’s surprising is not their age difference, but that she married him knowing what he looks like before he gets any make-up put on.

Despite Van Dyke’s age, the Mary Poppins star apparently really knows how to sweep her chimney.

The bride’s parents were a little shocked to find out that their daughter suddenly announced she was now a Dyke.

If the rumor is true that Dick is taking Viagra, it won’t be the ottoman he’s tripping over.

Meth Lab, Lamborghini, Rush Limbaugh, & Stanford Conviction

                “Antique Crystal”

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/ondeadline/post/2012/03/one-dead-killed-after-meth-lab-explodes-at-nursing-home/1?csp=hf#.T1ZFfYc192A

In Ohio, a nursing home fire and explosion were traced to a homemade meth lab found inside one of the rooms.  Their slogan was “Just like Grandma used to make.”

The residents explained that it was just way more fun than playing bingo.

And cheaper than Viagra.

With the meth lab destroyed, the seniors are going to have to go back to their old hobby: crack.

                “Speed Buggy”

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/driveon/post/2012/03/topless-windshield-less-lamborghini-aventador-j-unveiled/1#.T1ZUj4c192A

Lamborghini has made a one-of-a-kind Aventtador supercar, with no roof or windshield.  Because it is unique, if you buy it, you are going to get stuck with the floor model.

Like the car itself, any women who want a ride in it should expect to be topless.

It’s the first functioning car built entirely based on a design by Hot Wheels.

With a 700-horsepower, 6.6-liter, 12-cylinder engine, it can go almost 200 miles per hour.  However, no matter how fast you drive it, it can’t make your penis bigger.

Build solely to be “an extreme driving experience,” it has no radio or air-conditioning, although, I’m sure they would install those things for only another hundred thousand dollars.

                “Rush to Conclusions”

http://www.usatoday.com/news/politics/story/2012-03-05/rush-limbaugh-apology/53375858/1?csp=hf

After being dropped by several advertisers, Rush Limbaugh apologized for calling law student Sandra Fluke a “slut” and a “prostitute” for advocating for contraception to be covered under health insurance.  Rush said he was sorry he used those two words about Ms. Fluke, and his statement should not in any way be taken to mean he wouldn’t like to get a little piece of that.

Rush implied that Sandra had sex all the time, with anyone, because she wanted birth control to be covered under healthcare plans.  He completely misunderstood how insurance companies screw people.

                “Bank Skank”

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/46642425/ns/business-us_business/

Texas financier and former bank owner R. Allen Stanford was convicted Tuesday on 13 out of 14 charges related to a $7.1 billion Ponzi scheme over 20 years, the largest in U.S. history.  Stanford is now considered the Harvard of banking criminals.

“Hit Maker”

Chris Brown's new album will drop in May.  In pre-sales, It's already beating Rihanna's.

"Mounted Monument?"

A new statue in front of Sarah Palin's hometown high school in Wasilla, Alaska, is causing controversy because snickering students think the two stone shields surrounded by feathers resemble a vagina.  Those who are curious enough to want to see the statue up close just have to take it out on 3 dates or just get it drunk.

But don’t really try to have sex with it, or you’ll be charged with statutory rape.

"Snooki's Baby?"

http://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/celebritology/post/snooki-is-reportedly-pregnant/2012/02/29/gIQAZ7qPiR_blog.html?tid=pm_entertainment_pop

It is rare that The News gives us a gem like this.  This story isn't just a 'jot down a few lines' kind of piece.  

It demands more.  So here are 20 - that's right, 20 - jokes about Snooki being pregnant.

1.       In a disturbing development, Jersey Shore’s Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi is reportedly pregnant.  Snooki is upset because it means she got addicted to coke to lose all that weight for nothing.

2.       J-Woww blacked out several nights over the past couple months, making her think she may be the father.

3.       The father of the baby: the entire state of New Jersey.

4.       Snooki found out she was pregnant by peeing on a test stick, which is normal.  On the other hand, she did so in a nightclub parking lot – which is normal for Snooki.

5.       Snooki began to suspect she might be pregnant when she started feeling nauseous and started vomiting in the morning, right in between her usual drunk barfing and hangover puking.

6.       Unfortunately, Snooki’s idea of caring for her unborn baby is shooting tanning spray up her vagina.

7.       It’s far too soon to know if the baby is a boy or a girl, but we already know Snooki’s having an alcoholic.

8.        Snooki is definitely having a Guido baby.  When she goes to get an ultrasound, the technician smears hair gel on her stomach.

9.       This is really Snooki’s baby.  At a recent doctor’s visit, it was the first time MTV ever had to bleep the audio from an ultrasound.

10.   According to reports on the fetus, it is already the same height as Snooki.

11.   Snooki may decide to go with a natural childbirth.  She says she won’t need an epidural since she’ll be drunk and stoned before she goes to the hospital.

12.   Snooki says she is okay with having sex while pregnant, or as she called it, a 3-way.

13.   Mike “the Situation” Sorrentino is happy about the news, because even compared to running head-first into a solid stone wall, Snooki getting pregnant is stupid.

14.   Snooki plans to breastfeed, because there’s no reason to deny her baby something everyone else had had access to.

15.   Snooki  hopes she is having a girl.  She has cute clothes in mind for both, but if it’s a girl she already knows what tramp stamp the baby is getting.

16.   Little is known about the growing baby so far, except that it seems healthy, and it makes out with both guys and girls.

17.   For baby names, Snooki would like something that sounds familiar, yet comes from deep inside her.  Right now, her 2 top choices are Gonorrhea and Chlamydia.

18.   Jionni LaValle, Snooki’s boyfriend and the presumed father of the baby, doesn’t think he’s the one who got her pregnant, because he says he wasn’t pregnant when they had sex.

19.   Snooki wants the baby to have his or her own reality show, and is already trying to convince cameramen to go up into her coochie.

20.   As a Catholic, Snooki wouldn’t consider abortion as a form of birth control.  But as a skank, she’d do it for the weight loss.

Obama, Angelina Jolie, and the Doctor of all scammers

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/ondeadline/post/2012/02/dallas-doctor-accused-of-record-375k-medicare-fraud-scam/1#.T01BD4c192A

A Texas doctor is facing charges for allegedly scamming Medicare out of almost $375 million over 5 years for bogus medical services, the largest healthcare fraud operation in history.  The old record was whatever you paid in health insurance premiums last year.

The doctor’s justification for the entire scam was explaining how expensive greens’ fees have gotten.

The scam was based on billing Medicare for services for thousands of elderly, poor, and homeless people who never really received services, needed or not.  Or as that’s usually called, Medicare.

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/entertainment/post/2012/02/angelina-jolies-right-leg-goes-viral/1?csp=hf#.T01Awoc192A

After Angelina Jolie prominently displayed her right leg through the slit in her dress while presenting at the Oscars on Sunday, the image of her striking the pose has gone viral.  Even her ex-husband Billy Bob Thornton, whose blood she used to wear in a tiny vial around hr neck said, “Yeah, she’s gotten weird.”.

The pose has been named “Jolie-ing,” a la ‘planking’ or ‘Tebowing’, and it’s definition is “standing in a pose that makes Jennifer Aniston feel inferior.”

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/theoval/post/2012/02/obama-pledges--to-buy-a-chevy-volt/1#.T01A-oc192A

President Obama has pledged to buy a Chevy Volt.  Didn’t he already bail General Motors out once?

He says he is going to buy a Volt.  So, that’s his plan to lower gas prices.

Chevrolet is worried, because since the president promised to buy a Volt, that means he’ll change his mind and not do it.

The president said he would buy the Volt in 5 years, when he isn’t president anymore.  It’s a dark prediction for the economy when the president is already forecasting that he’ll need to buy a 5-year-old car after leaving office.

For having a “5 Year Plan,” Republicans immediately labeled Obama a Stalinist Commie.

The Lap Dance, White House, NASCAR, Robbery, Pope, Robbery and Twitter Review

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/46509162/ns/us_news-life/

A scandal erupted this week for Gerardo Hernandez, a mayoral candidate in Sunland Park, New Mexico who was secretly video-taped receiving a lap-dance from a topless woman in his office.  Hernandez would have told the woman to stop and get dressed, but he didn’t want to be involved in a cover-up.

Hernandez has not dropped out of the race, but has lost at least one vote – his wife’s.

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/theoval/post/2012/02/white-house-defends-koran-burning-apology/1#.T0gCMoc192A

The White House defended President Obama’s apology to Afghan President Hamid Karzi in the wake of two American troops who were killed in what is believed to be retaliation for the burning of copies of the Quran.   Obama hopes Afghanistan will apologize for the murder of the two Americans so we can call it even.

If Afghanistan doesn’t accept Obama’s apology, he wants to ask how many more American troops they would like to kill until they forgive us.

http://www.usatoday.com/sports/motor/nascar/story/2012-02-23/Danica-Patrick-OK-after-violent-crash/53224630/1?csp=hf

 NASCAR driver Danica Patrick’s race in the Sprint Cup ended abruptly, with a violent collision in the final lap of the qualifying race.  Luckily she wasn’t injured, and as a bonus, she’s been offered an endorsement deal from CrashDaddy.com.

Up until the collision, Danica had been doing well.  NASCAR experts theorize that she probably started fixing her hair and make-up in the rearview mirror, or calling her girlfriends on her cell phone.

http://www.usatoday.com/news/politics/story/2012-02-24/romney-michigan-speech-economy/53234844/1

Campaigning in Michigan, Mitt Romney said Friday that “Detroit should not just be the Motor City of America… (but) of the world.”  Mitt was talking about his love of cars all week, so it seems he is putting his Motor where his mouth is.

He also criticized government fuel efficiency standards as having put too great a burden on the auto industry.  Apparently, he forgot that most American voters are also drivers who have to pay for their own gas.

http://www.usatoday.com/news/offbeat/story/2012-02-24/spain-heist-awry/53236954/1

In Spain, 4 thieves who robbed a warehouse vault on Thursday crashed their getaway car into another vehicle, carjacked another car to escape, but forgot their loot in the back seat of the abandoned car.  To avoid this problem next time, they are riding bikes.

Even though the loot was left in bags inside the car, it’s okay because the loot did not include milk or any other perishable items.

The driver is especially worried because he doesn’t think his insurance covers botched heists.

Since they lost their own automobile, which is now is police possession, the first plan they made for their next job was to arrange for a car rental.

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/Religion/post/2012/02/pope-tweets-twitter-lent-ash-wednesday-vatican/1#.T0gLUIc192A

Pope Benedict XVI has begun posting daily tweets for the Catholic repentance period of Lent.  That ought to get the young people of the Internet.

His tweets pose the question, “What would Jesus say – in 140 characters or less.”

The Vatican hopes the tweets will reach everyone who didn’t give up Twitter for Lent.

The Pope carries around 3 tablets.  One’s an iPad, and the other 2 just have the Ten Commandments on them.

“Baby Aspirin”

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/onpolitics/post/2012/02/foster-friess-bayer-aspirin-contraceptives-santorum-/1#.Tz2IR8U192A

Foster Friess, millionaire supporter of Rick Santorum’s super PAC, said in an MSNBC interview that women should use  Bayer aspirin as a contraceptive –by holding one between their knees.  Friess’ remark may have backfired, since taking an aspirin often cures the headaches that prevent sex.

The idea of using aspirim as birth control has caused confusion for many of Santorum’s supporters.  Some are substituting their birth control pills with2 Bayer tablets while others are trying to have sex with the pill bottle.

People having sex by themselves are then logically encouraged to use Aspercreme, and just rub it in.

The pharmacists of America want to remind people to only use aspirin as directed, between two consenting adults.

Sex itself has been said to be a medicine.  And by extension, gay sex is an alternative medicine.

“Shorts Sentence”

http://www.usatoday.com/news/nation/story/2012-02-16/underwear-bomber/53115186/1

Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab, better known as the underwear bomber, was sentenced to multiple life sentences Thursday, for trying to blow up a jet plane bound for Detroit, Dec 25, 2009.  This despite his lawyer’s attempt at a defense that an awful in-flight meal caused the explosion in his underwear.

The bomb hidden in his underwear ignited and burned him, but failed to explode.  Apparently, for Umar, nothing below the waist ever worked very well.

Due to his botched bombing, if he ever got on another plane, he would be able to stow his genitals in a carry-on bag.

There is little concern that Umar might catch a venereal disease in prison, since he has already had a flaming crotch.

He’s expected to be very popular in prison, especially since his posterior has already been blown wide open.

The multiple life sentences were imposed because the judge felt that the defendant would try to commit future terrorist acts if ever released, if only he still had the balls.

“Call to Action”

http://usnews.msnbc.msn.com/_news/2012/02/15/10418510-us-cracking-down-on-dinner-interrupting-marketing-robocalls#.Tzwsmy7gbe8.mailto

The FCC is adopting new rules to crack down on so-called “robo-calls,” automated telemarketing calls that usually come as an interruption when people are having dinner.  After all, if there’s one thing the government should focus on, it’s making sure that fat Americans don’t stop eating.

Since most people let those calls go to an answering machine or voicemail system anyway, the government needs to investigate what the machines are really saying to each other when no humans are listening.

Unfortunately, when the FCC called the telemarketers to tell them to stop, they got an automated system that eventually directed them to a website where they were promptly Rick-rolled.

"Hospital Food"

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/46399779/ns/health-heart_health/

Tourists thought it was a joke or a hoax when a customer at the fattening food haven, “The Heart Attack Grill” in Las Vegas needed medical attention and was wheeled on a stretcher to an ambulance after eating a “Triple Bypass Burger.”  Don’t worry, though, because the customer is currently resting at home, with a gravy IV.

At the hospital, technicians checked his vital signs and drew a ketchup sample.

After the incident, many of the restaurant’s customers were depressed and experienced desperate feelings of self-loathing.  In other words, they went right back to normal.

“Robbed Justice”

http://usnews.msnbc.msn.com/_news/2012/02/13/10399126-justice-breyer-wife-robbed-on-caribbean-island

Supreme Court Justice Stephen Breyer was with his wife and some friends at his vacation home on the Caribbean Island of Nevis when an intruder broke in and robbed them while brandishing a machete, hen got away.  Justice Breyer insists the scene woul have ended differently, if only he’d been able to get to his gavel.

The Breyers had been robbed just earlier that day on the island – by paying tourist prices.

Breyer could easily have stopped the robber singlehandedly, but didn’t want to give away his secret identity as a member of the Justice League.

When the other Supreme Court Justices heard about this, they were sympathetic towards Breyer, by a vote of 4 to 3 with 1 abstention.

Valentines, China, and Spoken Word Grammy

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/ondeadline/post/2012/02/alaskans-are-first-gay-couple-wed-at-empire-state-building/1#.TzrqO8U192A

For the first time, The Empire State Building hosted same sex weddings for Valentine’s Day, including 2 women.  Onlookers were surprised to see the female couple atop such a tall and iconic erection.

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/theoval/post/2012/02/white-house-begins-wooing-chinas-next-president/1#.TzrpmsU192A

Vice President Biden met with China’s Vice President Xi Jinping at the White House today.  Jinping is the next likely leader of China, so it made sense for Biden to meet him, so Jinping can get used to Americans kissing his ass.

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/onpolitics/post/2012/02/mitt-romney-auto-bailouts-detroit-news-/1#.Tzrp58U192A

Mitt Romney is campaigning hard in Michigan, the state where he was born, but where he now seems to be trailing in polls behind Rick Santorum.  Not helping Romney is his harsh criticism of the bailout of the automotive industry in Detroit, and his shunning of cars in general, preferring to travel by balloon on his own hot air.

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/entertainment/post/2012/02/betty-white-takes-ego-trip-with-grammy-sag/1#.Tzr4y8U192A

At Sunday Night’s Grammy Awards, Betty White won the award for Best Spoken Word album, for her audio collection of humorous anecdotes If You Ask Me (and of Course You Won’t).  Betty celebrated her win like many Grammy winners, with drugs and hookers in her limo.

"Marines, Republicans, a Rhino, and the FBI

http://usnews.msnbc.msn.com/_news/2012/02/09/10364262-marines-posed-with-flag-resembling-nazi-ss-logo-in-afghanistan

The Marine Corps  confirmed that in a photograph that appeared on the Internet, one of their Afghanistan sniper teams posed in front of a flag resembling the SS of Nazi Germany.  Noting that everything must be taken in context, at the time, those Marines were trying to impress Dick Cheney.

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/onpolitics/post/2012/02/rick-santorum-gallup-tracking-poll-mitt-romney-/1

Republican presidential hopeful Rick Santorum has surged way ahead of Newt Gingrich, thanks to winning 3 primary elections this week in Colorado, Minnesota, and Missouri.  Though, no matter how far ahead Santorum may be, you can always still see Newt behind him just because of his massive girth.

http://worldnews.msnbc.msn.com/_news/2012/02/09/10364240-rhino-dies-in-anti-poaching-demo-by-

conservationists

In a conservation group’s anti-poaching demonstration gone wrong, a rhinoceros died in South Africa, when a tranquilizer used to sedate the animal killed it instead.  Trying to save face, the organization changed their message, warning to rhinos to just say “no” to drugs.

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/ondeadline/post/2012/02/fbi-releases-file-on-apples-steve-jobs/1

Today the FBI released the file they had on Steve Jobs, from 1991, when then President H. W. Bush was considering his as a US Export Council appointee.  Though the file is now public, you can’t read it because their PC’s crashed.

The FBI also has a file on Bill Gates.  It costs about half as much to get, but it sucks.

"West Coast Gays"

http://usnews.msnbc.msn.com/_news/2012/02/08/10355280-washington-lawmakers-pass-gay-marriage-bill

Washington state’s House of Representatives passed a bill Wednesday to allow same-sex marriages, following the state Senate’s passage last week, and the governor is expected to sign it into law next week.  So while the skies over Washington are often overcast, it seems that every cloud has a pink lining.

This means Seattle’s rain will finally stop, if only to make room for the rainbows.

http://usnews.msnbc.msn.com/_news/2012/02/07/10342899-court-calif-ban-on-gay-marriage-is-unconstitutional

A federal appeals court ruled that California’s same-sex marriage ban is unconstitutional.  The judges ruled 2 to 1 in the case, and then the 2 judges in the majority ran off to marry each other.

“Close as Sisters”

http://usnews.msnbc.msn.com/_news/2012/02/08/10354068-nuns-fight-strip-club-near-ill-convent

A group of nuns are fighting the opening of a new strip club being built on property right next door to a convent.  The strippers don’t want to be too close to the nuns either, saying that in the past, they’ve been lousy tippers.

Both establishments accept one dollar bills.

The strip club will be literally be less than 2 feet from the nuns’ property.  The strip club has already warned the convent that, while that is very close, the club’s official rule is still “no touching.”

The club owner is willing to offer compromises to make the nuns happy, such as drink specials, and 2-for-1 lap dances, and of course, Ladies Night.

Just be sure you have the right address if you re looking for the services of one establishment versus the other.  Because there’s a big difference between a sponge bath and the Shower Room.

“Pimping for Votes”

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/onpolitics/post/2012/02/ron-paul-bunny-ranch-nevada-caucuses-/1

The workers at Nevada’s legal brothel, the Bunny Ranch, rallied in support of Ron Paul last night in Reno, even trying to raise money for his campaign.  That’s not all they raised.

It surprises some that legal prostitutes would support Paul. Especially since it seems like Gingrich has more sleaze appeal.

The girls like Paul because he wants to withdraw all foreign aid from all countries immediately, and these girls appreciate the idea of pulling out in a timely fashion.

Prostitutes have a high voting rate, because they are used to settling for less than they want, and they know how to pull the lever.

Quickie Post

http://msn.foxsports.com/nfl/story/Federal-authorities-seize-nearly-fake-Super-Bowl-goods-020212

U.S. Customs and other officials seized almst $5 million in unauthorized Superbowl merchandise from Indianapolis area flea markets and street venders following an investigation called Operation Fake Sweep.  Make sure to get all your Operation Fake Sweep hats, t-shirts, and other cool gear before they sell out.

http://specials.msn.com/a-list/news/newt-gingrich-brad-pitt-psp

Newt Gingrich said that if they ever make a movie about this year’s presidential race, he’d like to be played by Brad Pitt.  Apparently Gingrich thinks that rich and fat equals Money Ball.

Pitt is ready to screen test as Gingrich: “The first rule of the open marriage is you don’t talk about the open marriage.”

http://animaltracks.today.msnbc.msn.com/_news/2012/02/02/10297954-more-winter-the-groundhog-says

Punxsutawney Phil, the famous groundhog, saw his shadow today, predicting 6 more weeks of winter.  Phil is hailed as a prognosticator of seasonal change, an like most weather-men, right after his public prediction, his handlers had to return him to his cage before he bit or pooped on someone.

“Take a Pill”

http://yourlife.usatoday.com/health/story/2012-02-01/Pfizer-recalls-1M-birth-control-packs-after-mixup/52912626/1

Pzizer has issued a recall of 1 million birth control pills under 3 different brand and generic names, after a factory dispensing error caused packages to contain too many pills or too few.  This story is a lead in to October’s top story: the 2012 baby boom.

A Pfizer spokesperson encourages customers to return the recalled pills, or just stop sleeping around.

On the upside, the factory mistake takes some of the burden of responsibility off of the many women who just forgot to take their pill anyway.

Women who got too many of the hormone pills have been outraged, then depressed, then apologetic, then flirty, and then aggressively amorous.

Instead of continuing to take the pills in their current package, some women are just taking the placebos.

On an interesting social note, experts estimate that the need to replace 1 million defective pills will likely prevent sex from taking place by as many as 2 drunk strangers.

Many users of the pill are planning to launch a class action lawsuit, but won’t have time to pursue it once they are trying to care for a newborn.

“Poor Mitt”

http://firstread.msnbc.msn.com/_news/2012/02/01/10289765-romney-im-not-concerned-about-the-very-poor

In a brief sound bite this week, Mitt Romney was quoted as saying that he is “not concerned about the very poor” in America.  Romney defended the quote, saying he thought the poor were a myth, like

fairies and ghosts.

Mitt believes in the Abominable Snowman, however, because he has personally met Newt Gingrich.

Romney clarified his statement that he need not be concerned about the poor because there is a safety net in place.  By that he means there is a protective net around the rich so the poor can’t get to them.

"I-HMO-Hotep" or "Ancient Patient"

Doctors discovered prostate cancer in a 2,200 year old Egyptian mummy.  Apparently they used to think that the cure for cancer was to just wrap the patient in bandages.

Unfortunately, it was a pre-existing condition, not covered by his insurance, Blue Ankh and Blue Shield.

It's a good thing this was discovered.  The hieroglyphs depicting his doctor's exam were previously thought to be ancient gay porn.

“Exit Factor”

http://tv.msn.com/reality-tv/x-factor-cleans-house-implosion/story/

Simon Cowell has reportedly fired Steve Jones, Nicole Scherzinger, and Paula Abdul from The X-Factor.  Apparently, he’s been judging them all along.

Steve and Nicole were very upset.  Paula will be, too, when she comes down.

Simon was not able to get rid of the people he really wanted to: Christina Aguilera, Blake Shelton, and Cee Lo Green.

Thus, the new season of The X Factor already has a winner: Simon’s ego.

As it happened, Kara DioGuardi and Ellen DeGeneres felt a great disturbance in the Force.

The firing that was least expected was Steve Jones, because no one’s ever heard of him.

Paula Abdul’s next ambition is to become a contestant on a reality show that judges reality show judges.

The firings have not yet been confirmed by Fox Television, leaving open the possibility that the entire ordeal was nothing more than a hallucination of Steven Tyler’s.

“Army of 147 million””

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/ondeadline/index

The Salvation Army reported Monday that their 2011 Christmas collection efforts rose $147.6 million, their highest total ever.  Upon hearing this, Joe Biden said, “See?  That’s why we pulled them out of Iraq.”

“The Tooth Hurts” or "Clip on"

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/46189842/ns/health-health_care/

A Massachusetts dentist accused of using paper clips in root canals instead of sterile stainless steel posts, among other charges, has lost his license and is being sent to jail for a year.  After completing his jail time, he will move to England to be hailed as the best dentist the country.

This is the second blow to his dental practice, which was already running suspiciously low on office supplies.

Asked why he thought a paper clip would be helpful, he said, “It always worked in Microsoft Office.”

“Plane Meaning”

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/46185245/ns/world_news-the_new_york_times/

Iraqi government officials are upset over the U.S. military’s continued use of unmanned drone aircraft over Iraq, following the withdrawal of all U.S. troops a month ago.  Former President Bush was shocked, as he was sure that U.S. drones would be welcomed as “liberators.”

Iraq would rather we just kept troops there, so they could have people on whom to focus their resentment.

As Iraqi officials say that they protest, the officials US response is, “Oh yeah?  You and what army?”

“Home Security”

http://www.usatoday.com/news/washington/story/2012-01-27/mortgage-crime-unit-FBI/52820212/1

The federal government has put a new crime unit in place to focus on home mortgage fraud cases.  This is little consolation to those who lost their homes, since those in the financial services industry who are convicted of mortgage fraud still get to spend years living in free, federal housing.

“Lottery Ticket to Nowhere”

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/ondeadline/post/2012/01/mystery-winner-of-14m-iowa-lottery-withdraws-claim-rather-than-steps-forward/1

An un-named Iowa lottery winner has withdrawn his claim to a $14.3 million jackpot.  If people can turn down multi-million-dollar prizes, now, than the good news is, the recession is over.

The unknown winner turned down the money once he found out he couldn’t have it directly transferred to his off-shore Cayman Islands holding company, tax-free, for use in his presidential campaign.

Officially, because it’s Iowa, the government pays the winner $14.3 million to not grow corn.

“Moon U-Newt”

Newt Gingrich said this week that as president, he would place a permanent American base on the moon by the end of his second term.  Possibly, that’s all he expects to be left of America by then.

Of course, the new moon base would be a conservative base.

Newt wants voters to associate him with the moon, which is easy.  Both are big, round, white, dense, and have little gravity so nothing sticks to them for long.

Many people in the business world like the idea of building on the moon, because it doesn’t have the environmental compliance restrictions we have here on Earth.

“Clean Air and Consciences”

http://www.usatoday.com/money/autos/environment/story/2012-01-27/california-air-car-hybrids/52820334/1

California has passed new emission standards aimed at a 75% reduction in air pollution by 2025, by pushing hybrid and electric cars.  Not only will they reduce smog by up to 75%, there will also be a 34% reduction in hybrid snobbery and electric smugness.

Because ‘smug’ and ‘snob’ equals ‘smog.’

"Sleep Mode"

A company has revealed a new robotic pillow that becomes more comfortable by fluffing and adjusting itself while you sleep.  Now they are developing Creepy Robot Pillow, which just watches you while you sleep.

It was a pleasant coincidence that this robot happened to be comfortable enough to make a good pillow.  When it was invented, its original purpose, like all robots, was for sex with Japanese businessmen.

"'Red Tails Tale"

George Lucas' new movie "Red Tails" opens this weekend.  Not only does it showcase the real-life heroism of the Tuskegee airmen, it also functions as an apology to black movie-goers who were offended by Jar Jar Binks.

The movie’s big twist is when the audience learns that star Cuba Gooding Jr.’s father is really James Earl Jones.

I don’t know if the movie is good, but if does well commercially, expect 2 sequels and a prequel trilogy to follow.

“Royals Off the Grid”

Prince William and Duchess Kate are taking separate vacations.  Kate is in the Caribbean with her family, while William is on a hunting trip in Spain with his brother Harry.  Kate will be sunning and swimming, while William hunts for his lost hair.

Hence his title, “Hair to the throne.”

“Rick’s Retreat”

http://www.usatoday.com/news/politics/story/2012-01-19/perry-republican-race/52677368/1

Rick Perry ended his presidential campaign Thursday, just 2 days shy of the South Carolina primary.  Apparently, he thought that was the last one.

Perry is looking forward to going back to Texas to tend to the matters of his office as governor. Especially, picking up syringes to personally vaccinate all Texas teen girls.

Perry quickly gave his endorsement to Newt Gingrich, pointing out that even while he was running, he planned to vote for Gingrich.

Perry said Gingrich wouldn’t be afraid to tell Washington interests to take a hike.  He’s right.  A pay hike.

Gingrich said he was humbled by Perry’s endorsement.  That marks the first time Gingrich’s name has

ever appeared in the same sentence as the word ‘humble.’

Perry decided on Gingrich because, with all his womanizing, he seems the least likely to be gay.

As the governor of Texas, Perry’s one regret is that you can’t kill a campaign by lethal injection or electric chair.

“Threesome, Tiresome”

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/onpolitics/post/2012/01/newt-gingrich-ex-wife-interview-/1

Newt Gingrich’s ex-wife Marianne, said  that her then husband had asked her if they could have an “open marriage,” so he could see another woman, who later became his 3^rd wife.  Speculating how this might play into politics, critics say that a President Gingrich might want to be become the prime minister of Canada at the same time.

Gingrich supports say his ex-wife’s account just proves that Newt is able to adapt to changing times and lay plans for the future.

The former Mrs. Gingrich said this all went on while Newt publicly criticized then President Clinton’s family values in the midst of his sex scandal.  When Clinton heard about this overlap, he immediately found Newt and high-fived him.

“End of Negotiations” or "Captain's Final Log"

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/entertainment/post/2012/01/priceline-kills-off-william-shatners-negotiator-in-new-ad/1

Priceline is killing off pitchman William Shatner’s Priceline Negotiator character in an upcoming commercial.  Sure to be a ruse, the commercial must take place in an alternate timeline or the Mirror universe.

The killing will be done by deal-thirsty Klingons.

It is still unclear if Shatner will be replaced by the next generation spokesman, Patrick Stewart, a reimagining starring Chris Pine, or if the franchise will just be logically taken over by Leonard Nimoy.

“Judging Lindsay”

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/entertainment/post/2012/01/lindsay-lohan-back-in-court-probation-hearing/1

Lindsay Lohan was back in court Tuesday morning for a probation hearing.  The judge was impressed by her recent completion of community service hours and counseling sessions.  But even more impressed by her Playboy photos.

Despite her legal troubles, Lindsay is clearly trying to cooperate with the court and trying to get back to having a normal life.  Of course, for Lindsay, normal is going to the Golden Globes between weeks of community service hours at the morgue, after posing for naked pictures for $1 million.

“Deen-abetes”

http://yourlife.usatoday.com/fitness-food/diet-nutrition/story/2012-01-16/Paula-Deen-spreads-word-about-diabetes-in-down-home-manner/52602710/1

Food Network star Paula Deen has publicly announced that she has Type 2 diabetes, and as a result, she may change many of her recipes.  They will all still be full of butter and sugar, but now Paula says to add half a cup of insulin.

Though Paula has known she has Type 2 diabetes since 2008, she didn’t want to reveal news of it publicly until she was cured, died, or got an offer to move to the Sugar-Free Network.

“Round Numbers”

http://yourlife.usatoday.com/fitness-food/diet-nutrition/story/2012-01-17/Obesity-epidemic-in-USA-shows-signs-of-leveling-off/52613442/1

According to the National Center for Health Statistics, the steady rise in the obesity rate in the U.S., seems to have leveled off at 35.5%.  Now that we seemed to have reached the top of the hill, we’re rotund enough to roll down it.

It isn’t that Americans aren’t continuing to become obese, but the ones who have been obese are finally dying at the same rate.

“Small Risk”

http://editorial.autos.msn.com/blogs/autosblog.aspx?feat=e5acc338-bc51-42a8-9df4-c3442bff778e&icid=autos_2289

Due over a fire risk from a faulty circuit board, BMW has recalled nearly 90,000 Mini Cooper vehicles.  Fortunately, that’s the equivalent of only 30,000 regular size cars.

While the Minis are serviced, the customers, like all BMW drivers, will still be able to get around on their general feeling of superiority.

"Six-Piece?"

A Los Angeles woman was arrested for prostitution after offering sexual favors in exchange for Chicken McNuggets.  This is exactly why Chicken McNuggets should come with a wet-nap.

She was released when police were unable to prove that there was any chicken in a McNugget.

For a side of fries, you can chicken finger her.

“Speeding Fast Food”

http://www.usatoday.com/money/industries/food/story/2012-01-12/burger-king-delivery/52604104/1?csp=hf

Burger King is testing home delivery of its food.  Because there’s nothing quite as delicious as a flame-broiled hamburger that you re-heat in the microwave, yourself.

Home delivery could be a big success for Burger King, as long as they are smart enough to rule out deliveries by their creepy, silent King mascot.

Americans have gotten so lazy, we don’t even want to go out of the house to pick up the greasy fast food that’s killing us.

McDonald’s recently tried a similar plan, but their delivery vehicles kept getting car-jacked by the Hamburglar.

“Baby Train”

http://www.usatoday.com/news/nation/story/2012-01-17/mom-birth-train-new-york/52615178/1

A New Jersey woman gave birth to a baby boy on a commuter train to New York Monday.  The train conductor acted fast – he was quick to collect the fare for the extra passenger.

When the mother’s contractions quickened and it became obvious she wasn’t going to make it off the train in time, the father delivered his own baby.  Naturally, both parents’ biggest concern was that the baby not be born in New Jersey.

Once the train stopped, the family was rushed to the hospital, where doctors and administrators scrambled to charge them as much money as possible.

“The Flight Was Smashing, Not Crashing”

http://overheadbin.msnbc.msn.com/_news/2012/01/17/10175708-oops-passengers-erroneously-told-plane-was-about-to-crash

An automated announcement aboard a British Airways flight incorrectly informed passengers that the plane was about to crash-land in the Atlantic Ocean, briefly causing a panic.  That was in coach.  In first class, the passengers were calmly invited to swim with dolphins.

The London-bound passengers were quickly reassured by flight attendants, but then they panicked again when they heard that the plane had run out of tea.

The passengers realized that the plane wasn’t going to crash when they noticed that none of the crew had gone into a lavatory to join the mile high club.

“Darwinism”

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/46020014

British scientists have rediscovered lost fossil samples collected and put onto slides by Charles Darwin in 1846.  The samples were from trees, plants, and fungi, but disappointingly, over the past century and a half, none of them evolved into anything else.

“A Series of Good Fellas”

AMC has announced that they are developing a new TV series based on the movie GoodFellas.  The network expects viewers to take interest – if they know what’s good for them.

The show is being financed with some bags of money that just happened to fall off a truck.

If the show is a success, it will spawn an inferior spin-off called “Casino.”

“Human Zoo”

http://news.yahoo.com/outrage-over-human-zoo-indian-islands-114059047.html

Human rights groups Wednesday condemned a video from a remote island off the coast of India showing tribal women being made to dance for food.  Here is the US we would never tolerate such a thing.  In America, those women would be dancing for dollar bills.

"Police Chase"

http://news.yahoo.com/handcuffed-man-steals-police-car-radios-key-091608938.html

In Porter County, Indiana, A man arrested for drug charges escaped the arrest scene while handcuffed by stealing the police car.  The suspect came up with the strategy by watching old episodes of The Dukes of Hazzard.

"Bald Barbie"

http://yourlife.usatoday.com/health/story/2012-01-11/Young-cancer-survivors-lobby-Mattel-for-bald-Barbie/52503118/1

A group started by cancer survivors is petitioning Mattel to make a Barbie doll who is bald.  As anyone who’s ever removed her clothes knows, in a way, she already is.

If Barbie underwent chemotherapy for cancer, at least it would finally explain how she’s so skinny.

"Coming Out in Utah"

http://travel.usatoday.com/destinations/dispatches/post/2012/01/gayest-places-in-usa-list-causes-controversy/600091/1?csp=hf

The Advocate, a magazine catering to the gay community, put Salt Lake City, Utah at number 1 on its 3^rd annual list of the “Gayest Cities in America.”  Though controversial, the gay attention has certainly made Salt Lake City even saltier.

Said a Salt Lake City spokesman, “Our city isn’t actually as gay as it looks.  Most Mormons just spend a lot of time at the gym.”

Because of the attention, The Great Salt Lake itself is being renamed The Fabulous Salt Lake.

Of course, a hit Broadway Musical called The Book of Mormon doesn’t exactly change the new stereotype.

"Chaz Boner?"

In a recent interview Chaz Bono told Rolling Stone magazine that he' s in the market for finding a penis.  This was unexpected, because when he was a woman, penis was the thing Chaz hated most.

Apparently it was a pretty limp interview.

“Judge Agrees: Edwards Needs a Knife Stuck in his Chest”

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/onpolitics/post/2012/01/john-edwards-life-threatening-condition-/1

Citing a “life-threatening” need for heart surgery, a federal judge has postponed John Edwards’s trial for allegedly breaking campaign finance laws to cover his affair with Rielle Hunter.  Two doctors confirmed that Edwards’ condition, as the affair while his wife was dying of cancer proves that he was and is heartless.

In a related story, John Kerry has flip-flopped on supporting Edwards.

"Presidential Power"

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/theoval/post/2012/01/obama-proposes-re-organizing-trade-offices/1

President Obama has asked Congress to give him the authority to merge overlapping federal agencies overseeing international trade.  He followed that request to Congress with another: that both houses agree to disband altogether and grant him the title of Permanent King.

"Deen and Sugar"

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/entertainment/post/2012/01/buzz-paula-deen-to-reveal-she-has-diabetes/1

Country cooking maven Paula Deen may address the rumors that she has Type 2 diabetes.  The rumors started in April when Deen accidentally cut her finger with a kitchen knife and pure butter ran from the wound.

Fortunately, with some ice and a band-aid, the butter quickly hardened.

"Low Blow to Khloe"

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/entertainment/post/2012/01/khloe-kardashian-robert-star-not-his-kid-ashley-kris-jenner/1?csp=obinsite

Friday on Good Morning America, Kris Jenner dismissed a tabloid news story claiming Khloe Kardashian is not really the daughter of Robert Kardashian, but the result of one of Kris’s affairs.  Evidence based on Khloe’s appearance suggests the real father was either Andre the Giant or a wooly mammoth. 

“Chris Brown to Calm Down?”

Singer Chris Brown's representatives have announced that he will be focusing on singing and performing and not doing any interviews about his personal life in 2012.  There's no joke ready for that.  Chris Brown wants to punch it up himself.

"Becker and Pecker"

A hearing was postponed for Catherine Kieu Becker, the woman accused of cutting off her husband's penis and putting it down a garbage disposal.  The prosecution asked for the delay because their star witness was going off, half-cocked.

“’Anger Management’ Management”

http://tv.msn.com/tv/article.aspx?news=694256

Charlie Sheen spoke to reporters about his upcoming TV series “Anger Management” on Sunday.  Sheen says he is ‘eager to tackle more mature themes,’ which is his publicist’s phrasing of his announcement that he is now willing to start banging older broads.

“International Incident”

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/45928926/ns/business-retail/t/papa-johns-apologizes-chinky-eyes-receipt/

Papa John’ pizza formally apologized to a New York customer after an employee typed up her receipt describing her as “lady chinky eyes.”  Unfortunately, the official apology went like this, “Ah-so.  Me so solly.”

The company fired the employee responsible.  A Spokesman said, “If he wants to work in a fast food environment that’s an insult to Asians, let him go work at Panda Express.”

Unfortunately, this is hardly their first culturally insensitive incident.  For years they have offended Italians with what Papa John’s calls ‘pizza.’

To be more culturally sensitive, they are also renaming their Hawaiian pizza the Pacific Islander pizza.

The news story went viral within hours.  The customer was even more offended by the way the media putting a slant on it.

NEW PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE SLOGANS

"Vote for Newt Gingrich.

Because to lead the free world, you should be of planetary size."

‎

"Mitt Romney for president.

Because the best way not to be afraid of Mormons is to have one everybody keeps an eye on..."

“ Rick Santorum.

He'll bring decorum. (That's why I'm for 'im.)”

"Support Ron Paul. 

Didn't he used to play Frasier and Niles' dad on TV?"

 ‎"There's still time to get behind Herman Cain.

After all, he wants to get behind you."

"Reelect President Obama.

I mean, come on, America, be fair; you gave W. two tries."

“Police Force.”

http://specials.msn.com/a-list/news/trooper-tasers-darth-vader-psp

A Florida state trooper was forced to use a Taser on a man dressed as Darth Vader.  The suspect was drunk and was accused of publicly exposing his light saber.

The trooper had to get the upper hand before his suspect could power up the Death Star.

But at least it didn’t happen in front of his kids, Luke and Leia.

For besting Vader in battle, the Trooper has been promoted to Storm Trooper.

In implementing the taser, the trooper used the force.  Specifically, he used non-lethal force.

“When the Smoke Clears… Applications”

http://www.usatoday.com/money/industries/health/story/2012-01-03/health-care-jobs-no-smoking/52394782/1

In an increasing employment trend, companies are avoiding hiring smokers in order to cut health and

life insurance costs.  In other words, they are literally sick of having to cough up more money.

Smokers have the last laugh, though, when they die and don’t need a job any more.

The National Workrights Institute, an off-shoot of the ACLU, is working to defend smokers’ rights.  They call such hiring bans a cancer on the lungs of the workforce.

All the fuss is making smokers nervous, which only makes them smoke more.

With more and more companies getting on board, this hiring trend appears to be addictive.

"Chipmunk Cheeky"

http://specials.msn.com/a-list/news/chicago-man-naked-chipmunks-movie-psp

A Chicago man was arrested after stripping naked at a movie theatre showing  Chipmunks: Chipwrecked.  Even creepier, the man referred to his genitals as “Alvin, Simon, and Theodore.”

"Of Mice and Se-Men"

http://www.cbsnews.com/8301-504763_162-57351397-10391704/scientists-grow-mouse-sperm-in-laboratory-can-it-help-humans/

A team of German scientists say they have been able to grow mouse sperm in a laboratory.  The hard part was getting their hands on mouse porn.

Future applications for this study could mean an end to fertility problems for men.  Assuming they don’t mind babies who look like mice.

There have been millions of previous occasions when a mouse helped a man produce sperm, but until now, it was always a computer mouse.

“Bachman Bach’s Out”

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/onpolitics/post/2012/01/bachmann-cancels-sc-schedules-news-conference/1?csp=hf

After finishing 6^th in the Iowa Republican caucuses Tuesday, Michelle Bachman has said she is suspending her presidential campaign, but said she will continue to fight against President Obama.  She did not specify how she’ll fight him, but one can presume her main weapon will be her crazy stare.

Now that Bachman is out of the campaign, she will be free to spend more time with her husband to try to turn him straight.

“Arabian Night-gowns”

http://specials.msn.com/a-list/news/saudi-arabia-lingerie-law-psp

A new law has gone into effect in Saudi Arabia, allowing only women to work in ladies’ lingerie stores.  This is for the sake of the privacy and dignity of the ladies who shop there, claimed the Saudi Transvestite Businessman’s Association.

The store’s inventory consists of only the latest fashions in women’s intimate apparel.  Otherwise, their customers wouldn’t be able to show their faces in public.

A wide variety of lingerie styles are available, because as the saying goes, “beauty is in the eye-slit of the beholder.”

Though Saudi women are required to have their entire bodies except hands and eyes covered in public, they are allowed to wear more revealing attire at home, as way to feel attractive before being forced into sex by their husbands.

Saudi Arabia’s most popular lingerie store is Victoria’s Shiek-ret.

“Crabbing On” or “Crab on the Hoff Shell”

http://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/blogpost/post/hasselhoff-crab-discovered-in-antarctic-deep-sea-vents/2012/01/04/gIQAzM4QaP_blog.html?wprss=blogpost

Scientists in the Antarctic have discovered a new sub-species of Yeti crab which they have nicknamed the Hasselhoff crab, after David Hasselhoff, because it appears to have a hairy chest.  Hasselhoff is certainly not, however, the first Baywatch cast member to have crabs.

The crabs are protected by a hard shell that is bulletproof and has both computer intelligence and a turbo boost.

The Hasselhoff crabs also walk sideways, but that’s because they are drunk.

The new species is already topping the pop charts in Germany.

“Of Mice and Men”

http://news.yahoo.com/pepsi-says-mountain-dew-dissolve-mouse-carcasses-213911576.html

PepsiCo is facing a lawsuit from a man who alleges that in 2009, he found a mouse in a can of Mountain Dew he was drinking.  The mouse is also suing PepsiCo for being forced to taste the Mountain Dew.

PepsiCo says they suspect a hoax, and they say that a mouse sealed inside the can would have partially dissolved or taken on a gelatinous composition.  Their statement may not win their case, but it does assure that no one is ever going to want to drink Mountain Dew again.

“Cardinal Sin” or “When in Rome”

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/45871047/ns/us_news-life/

Assistant bishop Gabino Zavala of the Roman Catholic archdiocese of Los Angeles has resigned over a scandal in which it was revealed that he had a secret family including 2 teenage children.  The Church was shocked, of course, that a Catholic bishop turned out to be straight.

The Los Angeles diocese has a long Roman Catholic tradition of scandal and resigning in disgrace.

Even though he is no longer a member of the priesthood, his kids still call him Father.

Now the bishop is just like most other Los Angeles dads: unemployed.

“Cops at Lindsay Lohan’s House – But It’s Not What You Think.”

http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/45858397/ns/today-entertainment/t/lindsay-lohans-alleged-trespasser-arrested/

Lindsay Lohan called police to her Venice Beach home New Year’s Day, when a trespassing man knocked on her door and refused to leave.  Officers showed up to arrest the man, but as soon as she saw the cops, out of habit Lindsay swallowed her drug balloons and hid stolen jewelry in her vagina.

See you in 2012!

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

“Elly Mae Pay Day”

http://www.usatoday.com/money/industries/retail/story/2011-12-29/barbie-doll-suit-settled/52267326/1

Donna Douglas, the actress who played Elly Mae Clampett on The Beverly Hillbillies, who had sued Mattel and CBS over using her likeness for an Elly Mae Barbie doll, settled the case for up to an estimated $75,000.  Once Elly Mae got her money, she loaded up the truck and moved to Beverly… Massachusetts, that is.  75 grand won’t get you squat in Beverly Hills.

“Cry of Newt”

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/onpolitics/post/2011/12/newt-gingrich-cries-mother/1

At a Des Moines coffee house, Newt Gingrich broke into tears when talking about his mother to a group called CafeMoms.  It’s understandable.  After all, she’s the woman who named her own son “Newt.”

“Blackmailer ‘On the Case’”

http://social.entertainment.msn.com/tv/blogs/tv-buzz-blog.aspx?blog=2080&feat=9c955c06-983c-4930-8ede-88d3f10010d2

Robert “Joe” Halderman, the former CBS producer who tried to blackmail David Letterman in 2010, has landed a new job as a producer for Paula Zahn’s On the Case on Investigation Discovery.  Zahn better not be sleeping with any of her interns.

After serving time for extortion, having threatened the Late Show host with exposure after discovering secrets about his personal life, it’s kind of funny that Halderman is producing for an “investigative” show.  But Letterman probably won’t be joking about it. 

“All Gaga for New Year’s”

http://tv.msn.com/tv/article.aspx?news=692404

Pop Superstar Lady Gaga will be counting down the New Year with the ceremonial ball drop in Times Square.  At exactly 12:00, live in New York City, Gaga’s balls will drop.

 On New Year’s Eve, with so many people wearing crazy hats, costumes, and wild glasses, Gaga will finally have a place where she blends in.

“Laws of the Land”

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/45806369/

A new law in Utah that takes effect January 1^st will make it illegal for bars to offer “happy hour” drink specials.  Bars are expected to figure out that, since alcohol is a depressant, they can start promoting “unhappy hour” instead.

In Nevada, music therapists now have to be licensed.  But music groupies still just have to be hot.

In Georgia, golf carts taken off the course onto roads have to have brakes, warning devices, and a horn.  Apparently, those loud, golf sweaters just aren’t enough anymore.

All golf cats must be equipped with safety equipment such as back-up warnings, too.  In fact, while golfing, if you hook or slice the ball, you now have to use turn signals.