Friday, April 11, 2008

Vice President Dick Cheney is in a new series of White House publicity photos, but in one photo of the smiling VP in a small boat, his sunglasses reflect an image that some say looks like a nude woman. Experts say this is unlikely, since Cheney couldn’t reach a hospital from the boat in the event of an excitement-induced heart attack.

In North Carolina, a gas station experienced a sudden rush when the premium gas was mistakenly priced $0.35 instead of $3.35. They experienced an even bigger rush as soon as Californians heard that premium in North Carolina was “only” $3.35.

Verizon small business customers were mistakenly directed by the phone carrier’s website to a phone sex line instead of the customer service department. Verizon apologized, saying they were committed to servicing their own customers.

Cell phone customers who called this wrong number found that their handsets were stuck on vibrate for quite a while after.

The company issued a statement saying telling customers who called that line to get off as quickly as possible.

Thursday, April 10, 2008

A man with a prosthetic leg was convicted of stealing 3 rare and endangered baby iguanas and smuggling them in his leg. The man traveled all the way from California to the South Pacific islands to take the iguanas back to the U.S. That’s a long hop.

The iguanas will be sent back to the ecological preserve in Fiji, where they came from, and their kidnapper will have to find some way to foot the bill.

The man is set to be sentenced on July 14th. He may ask the judge for mercy, but obviously he doesn’t have a leg to stand on.

The iguanas are really double-victims here, since their natural habitat continues to be destroyed, as trees are cut down to make wooden legs.

Monday, April 7, 2008

Hollywood legend Charlton Heston passed away this past week, at the age of 84. Known for his 2nd Ammendment support as much as for his acting, his memorial service will feature a 21-gun-per-person salute.

Heston will be missed. Others, however, may actually be shot.

Tuesday, April 1, 2008

Speaking in Philadelphia, Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton likened herself to Rocky Balboa, saying she never gives up, and she’s going to make it to the top of the steps. I wonder if someone is going to remind Hillary that at the end of the movie, Rocky lost the fight.

It’s easy to see what Hillary has in common with Rocky, though. They are both dedicated, both willing to step into the ring against a tough opponent, and they both had the hots for Adrian.

The Associated Press reported today that the New York Yankees’ Alex Rodriguez makes more money himself than the entire Florida Marlins team. Yankees fans were left asking, “Who the hell is Florida Marlins?”

A-Rod’s salary is $28 million, not including any bonuses or endorsements. That means that even if he bats a .333 average, he is getting $18.6 million to be called “out.”

His salary is about 10 times the Major League Baseball player average, meaning you could hire a pro player to fill every field position and still have a designated hitter, for the same cost as A-rod alone. And they say there’s no “I” in the word “team!”

In new commercials, Subway spokesman Jared Fogle, who famously lost over 200 lbs. on a Subway sandwich diet, is being congratulated for keeping the weight off for 10 years. You know what else Jared has kept off for ten years? Women.