Monday, July 23, 2012

“Chik-Fil-Ain’t “

The Jim Henson Company has broken all business ties with restaurant chain Chik-Fil-A over the restaurant chain’s president’s statement that the company is against gay marriage.  The Henson Company mainly did so to show support for their own, Bert & Ernie.

Particularly relieved about the break of ties is one member of the Henson family who has always had reservations about being associated with a fast food chicken restaurant – Big Bird.

Chik-Fil-A has not made any public statement saying whether they approve of a marriage between a frog and a pig.

A spokesman for the Henson Company said that when it comes to politics, they won’t let themselves be anyone’s puppet.

Chik-Fil-A isn’t worried about their stance hurting sales of their chicken breast filets, because, they say, gays aren’t interested in breasts anyway.

“American Mimi”

Pop-star Mariah Carey has officially signed on to be a judge on the next season of American Idol.  Making the producers’ decision easier, Mariah can make use of all of the flowing, ruffled, and lacey wardrobe pieces left behind by Steven Tyler.

Mariah is going to be the new “mean” judge.  Any of the singers who are bad will be forced to watch her movie, Glitter.

Mariah will be filling the ‘Diva’ role, taking over for Ryan Seacrest.

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

“Not-So-Concealed Weapon”

A man going through the San Francisco airport was frisked and searched due to the apparent, oversized bulge in his pants, which just turned out to be his unusually large penis.   Because it was San Francisco, suspicion wasn’t all he aroused.

Thousands of locals are demanding that the man be detained indefinitely.

Still, the TSA does have to be on the lookout for biological weapons.

The TSA agent who suspected him really pulled a boner this time.

In the future, the TSA reserves the right to ask him to have his package checked.

Thought the man was suspected of carrying contraband, he wasn’t.  Still, he’s been sentenced to be hung.

To give you an idea of just how big his manhood is, he was seated in Coach, but his penis was in First Class.

After the plane took off, the tower radioed the pilot to bring up the landing gear.  The pilot had to tell them, “Um, that’s not the landing gear.”

Friday, July 13, 2012

“Tyler's Permanent Vacation”

Steven Tyler has announced that he will not return to American Idol as a judge for season 12.  He said that he wants to focus on his main job, playing Flo for Progressive Insurance commercials.

Tyler wasn’t planning on showing up for season 12, mainly because he doesn’t remember having been a judge for seasons 10 and 11.

The truth is, once Tyler figured out he wasn’t going to bang J. Lo, he thought, “What’s the point?”

The media have not heard any further comment from Steven, because the microphone in his cell phone is wrapped in several long, colorful scarves.

“The Big Con”

The annual comic book and entertainment convention Comic-Con kicked off in San Diego Thursday.  The convention visitors dress in their coolest outfit, try to impress other attendees, and spend so much money that by the end, they feel like they know what it’s like to have been on a date.

Excited conventioneers have waited all year for the chance to see excusive footage of upcoming movies, TV shows, video games, and more.  Meanwhile, excited parents have waited all year to have their 30-year old sons out of the house for a weekend.

Thursday, July 12, 2012

“Wearing Protection”

The U.S. Army says that they are developing body armor for female soldiers inspired by Xena, Warrior Princess.  Because they’ve figured out that the enemy can’t fight while they have an erection.

The armor will initially be for special operations, but it will then survive forever in syndication.

The women wearing the armor will be facing dangers such as poor plot construction and bad acting.

Thursday, July 5, 2012

“Small Apples”

Apple is set to release a new, smaller version of the iPad in October, called the “mini iPad.”  Though, for the last few years, industry insiders have been calling it the iPod Touch.

To compete with Kindle and Google hand-held devices, the smaller iPad is expected to be available at a much lower price-point, starting at around $199.  However, as always, Apple is working hard to drive the price up.

“Lifeguard Save”

A Florida lifeguard who was fired for saving the life of a beach-goer outside his coverage section was offered his job back, but has declined it.  Apparently, they wanted him to promise to let anyone else outside his section die.

Hopefully his career can be revived..

Being reinstated wouldn’t help him climb the corporate ladder, only a short ladder to a high chair.

Since the firing, several other lifeguards quit in protest.  As a result, the beach has a shortage of swimsuit-clad hard-bodies running in slow-motion.

Tuesday, July 3, 2012


Enjoy a fun and safe 4th of July, everyone.
God Bless America!

“Female Footballer”

U.S Women’s soccer player Megan Rapinoe has come out publicly saying she is gay.  Her discovery of this first came when she realized that she was a woman soccer player.

Soccer was a natural choice for Megan, since she’s never had any desire to touch balls with her hands.

There hasn’t been any backlash from fans.  In fact, male fans now think she’s hotter.

The announcement puts a spotlight not only on her, and on the upcoming London Olympic Games, but this news may even let Americans find out what soccer is.

“The Smell of City Hall”

In Tuttle, OK and several other cities are starting to enforce a “no fragrance” policy in municipal buildings to spare allergy sufferers the effects of perfumes and colognes.   The policy is providing proof that local politics stink.

It turns out that in most cases, it wasn’t perfumes, but policies that were making people feel sick.

“Thank God for Science”

Scientists believe they have found what they call the ‘God particle,’ so named for its difficulty to find and prove beyond a doubt.  Until now, the scientists simply accepted the existence of the particle on faith.

It turns out, all they had to do all along was believe, and the particle revealed itself to them.

The scientists immediately began fighting and killing each other over their own interpretation of what the particle wants.

There are some scientists who are still unconvinced.  They are called atheist-scientists.

Monday, July 2, 2012

“Anderson Coup”

CNN’s Anderson Cooper has come out, openly saying he is gay.  Cooper has long thought to have been gay, because he hangs out with Kathy Griffin.

Cooper could have revealed his sexuality at any time on CNN, except it isn’t news to anyone.

Anderson says he has always been gay, but he also spent his entire childhood being dressed by Gloria Vanderbilt.

In fact, the only evidence that there has ever been to suggest Cooper might not be gay is the fact that he doesn’t dye his hair.

Most people don’t seem to care that that Cooper is homosexual, only that he’s a journalist.  Although, now that he’s out, there are those who will label him as a “correspondent.”

Now that one of CNN’s biggest names has come out, CNN’s challenge to FOX News is this: Your turn, Bill O’Reilly.