News Riffs Comedy

"Marines, Republicans, a Rhino, and the FBI

2012-02-09T16:20:00.000-08:00

http://usnews.msnbc.msn.com/_news/2012/02/09/10364262-marines-posed-with-flag-resembling-nazi-ss-logo-in-afghanistan

The Marine Corps confirmed that in a photograph that appeared on the Internet, one of their Afghanistan sniper teams posed in front of a flag resembling the SS of Nazi Germany. Noting that everything must be taken in context, at the time, those Marines were trying to impress Dick Cheney.

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/onpolitics/post/2012/02/rick-santorum-gallup-tracking-poll-mitt-romney-/1

Republican presidential hopeful Rick Santorum has surged way ahead of Newt Gingrich, thanks to winning 3 primary elections this week in Colorado, Minnesota, and Missouri. Though, no matter how far ahead Santorum may be, you can always still see Newt behind him just because of his massive girth.

http://worldnews.msnbc.msn.com/_news/2012/02/09/10364240-rhino-dies-in-anti-poaching-demo-by-

conservationists

In a conservation group’s anti-poaching demonstration gone wrong, a rhinoceros died in South Africa, when a tranquilizer used to sedate the animal killed it instead. Trying to save face, the organization changed their message, warning to rhinos to just say “no” to drugs.

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/ondeadline/post/2012/02/fbi-releases-file-on-apples-steve-jobs/1

Today the FBI released the file they had on Steve Jobs, from 1991, when then President H. W. Bush was considering his as a US Export Council appointee. Though the file is now public, you can’t read it because their PC’s crashed.

The FBI also has a file on Bill Gates. It costs about half as much to get, but it sucks.

"West Coast Gays"

2012-02-09T16:17:00.000-08:00

http://usnews.msnbc.msn.com/_news/2012/02/08/10355280-washington-lawmakers-pass-gay-marriage-bill

Washington state’s House of Representatives passed a bill Wednesday to allow same-sex marriages, following the state Senate’s passage last week, and the governor is expected to sign it into law next week. So while the skies over Washington are often overcast, it seems that every cloud has a pink lining.

This means Seattle’s rain will finally stop, if only to make room for the rainbows.

http://usnews.msnbc.msn.com/_news/2012/02/07/10342899-court-calif-ban-on-gay-marriage-is-unconstitutional

A federal appeals court ruled that California’s same-sex marriage ban is unconstitutional. The judges ruled 2 to 1 in the case, and then the 2 judges in the majority ran off to marry each other.

“Close as Sisters”

2012-02-09T09:39:00.000-08:00

http://usnews.msnbc.msn.com/_news/2012/02/08/10354068-nuns-fight-strip-club-near-ill-convent

A group of nuns are fighting the opening of a new strip club being built on property right next door to a convent. The strippers don’t want to be too close to the nuns either, saying that in the past, they’ve been lousy tippers.

Both establishments accept one dollar bills.

The strip club will be literally be less than 2 feet from the nuns’ property. The strip club has already warned the convent that, while that is very close, the club’s official rule is still “no touching.”

The club owner is willing to offer compromises to make the nuns happy, such as drink specials, and 2-for-1 lap dances, and of course, Ladies Night.

Just be sure you have the right address if you re looking for the services of one establishment versus the other. Because there’s a big difference between a sponge bath and the Shower Room.

“Pimping for Votes”

2012-02-03T15:04:00.000-08:00

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/onpolitics/post/2012/02/ron-paul-bunny-ranch-nevada-caucuses-/1

The workers at Nevada’s legal brothel, the Bunny Ranch, rallied in support of Ron Paul last night in Reno, even trying to raise money for his campaign. That’s not all they raised.

It surprises some that legal prostitutes would support Paul. Especially since it seems like Gingrich has more sleaze appeal.

The girls like Paul because he wants to withdraw all foreign aid from all countries immediately, and these girls appreciate the idea of pulling out in a timely fashion.

Prostitutes have a high voting rate, because they are used to settling for less than they want, and they know how to pull the lever.

Quickie Post

2012-02-03T15:01:00.000-08:00

http://msn.foxsports.com/nfl/story/Federal-authorities-seize-nearly-fake-Super-Bowl-goods-020212

U.S. Customs and other officials seized almst $5 million in unauthorized Superbowl merchandise from Indianapolis area flea markets and street venders following an investigation called Operation Fake Sweep. Make sure to get all your Operation Fake Sweep hats, t-shirts, and other cool gear before they sell out.

http://specials.msn.com/a-list/news/newt-gingrich-brad-pitt-psp

Newt Gingrich said that if they ever make a movie about this year’s presidential race, he’d like to be played by Brad Pitt. Apparently Gingrich thinks that rich and fat equals Money Ball.

Pitt is ready to screen test as Gingrich: “The first rule of the open marriage is you don’t talk about the open marriage.”

http://animaltracks.today.msnbc.msn.com/_news/2012/02/02/10297954-more-winter-the-groundhog-says

Punxsutawney Phil, the famous groundhog, saw his shadow today, predicting 6 more weeks of winter. Phil is hailed as a prognosticator of seasonal change, an like most weather-men, right after his public prediction, his handlers had to return him to his cage before he bit or pooped on someone.

“Take a Pill”

2012-02-01T16:58:00.000-08:00

http://yourlife.usatoday.com/health/story/2012-02-01/Pfizer-recalls-1M-birth-control-packs-after-mixup/52912626/1

Pzizer has issued a recall of 1 million birth control pills under 3 different brand and generic names, after a factory dispensing error caused packages to contain too many pills or too few. This story is a lead in to October’s top story: the 2012 baby boom.

A Pfizer spokesperson encourages customers to return the recalled pills, or just stop sleeping around.

On the upside, the factory mistake takes some of the burden of responsibility off of the many women who just forgot to take their pill anyway.

Women who got too many of the hormone pills have been outraged, then depressed, then apologetic, then flirty, and then aggressively amorous.

Instead of continuing to take the pills in their current package, some women are just taking the placebos.

On an interesting social note, experts estimate that the need to replace 1 million defective pills will likely prevent sex from taking place by as many as 2 drunk strangers.

Many users of the pill are planning to launch a class action lawsuit, but won’t have time to pursue it once they are trying to care for a newborn.

“Poor Mitt”

2012-02-01T16:54:00.000-08:00

http://firstread.msnbc.msn.com/_news/2012/02/01/10289765-romney-im-not-concerned-about-the-very-poor

In a brief sound bite this week, Mitt Romney was quoted as saying that he is “not concerned about the very poor” in America. Romney defended the quote, saying he thought the poor were a myth, like

fairies and ghosts.

Mitt believes in the Abominable Snowman, however, because he has personally met Newt Gingrich.

Romney clarified his statement that he need not be concerned about the poor because there is a safety net in place. By that he means there is a protective net around the rich so the poor can’t get to them.

"I-HMO-Hotep" or "Ancient Patient"

2012-01-31T16:21:00.000-08:00

Doctors discovered prostate cancer in a 2,200 year old Egyptian mummy. Apparently they used to think that the cure for cancer was to just wrap the patient in bandages.

Unfortunately, it was a pre-existing condition, not covered by his insurance, Blue Ankh and Blue Shield.

It's a good thing this was discovered. The hieroglyphs depicting his doctor's exam were previously thought to be ancient gay porn.

“Exit Factor”

2012-01-31T15:39:00.000-08:00

http://tv.msn.com/reality-tv/x-factor-cleans-house-implosion/story/

Simon Cowell has reportedly fired Steve Jones, Nicole Scherzinger, and Paula Abdul from The X-Factor. Apparently, he’s been judging them all along.

Steve and Nicole were very upset. Paula will be, too, when she comes down.

Simon was not able to get rid of the people he really wanted to: Christina Aguilera, Blake Shelton, and Cee Lo Green.

Thus, the new season of The X Factor already has a winner: Simon’s ego.

As it happened, Kara DioGuardi and Ellen DeGeneres felt a great disturbance in the Force.

The firing that was least expected was Steve Jones, because no one’s ever heard of him.

Paula Abdul’s next ambition is to become a contestant on a reality show that judges reality show judges.

The firings have not yet been confirmed by Fox Television, leaving open the possibility that the entire ordeal was nothing more than a hallucination of Steven Tyler’s.

“Army of 147 million””

2012-01-30T16:08:00.000-08:00

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/ondeadline/index

The Salvation Army reported Monday that their 2011 Christmas collection efforts rose $147.6 million, their highest total ever. Upon hearing this, Joe Biden said, “See? That’s why we pulled them out of Iraq.”

“The Tooth Hurts” or "Clip on"

2012-01-30T16:05:00.000-08:00

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/46189842/ns/health-health_care/

A Massachusetts dentist accused of using paper clips in root canals instead of sterile stainless steel posts, among other charges, has lost his license and is being sent to jail for a year. After completing his jail time, he will move to England to be hailed as the best dentist the country.

This is the second blow to his dental practice, which was already running suspiciously low on office supplies.

Asked why he thought a paper clip would be helpful, he said, “It always worked in Microsoft Office.”

“Plane Meaning”

2012-01-30T16:03:00.000-08:00

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/46185245/ns/world_news-the_new_york_times/

Iraqi government officials are upset over the U.S. military’s continued use of unmanned drone aircraft over Iraq, following the withdrawal of all U.S. troops a month ago. Former President Bush was shocked, as he was sure that U.S. drones would be welcomed as “liberators.”

Iraq would rather we just kept troops there, so they could have people on whom to focus their resentment.

As Iraqi officials say that they protest, the officials US response is, “Oh yeah? You and what army?”

“Home Security”

2012-01-27T15:08:00.000-08:00

http://www.usatoday.com/news/washington/story/2012-01-27/mortgage-crime-unit-FBI/52820212/1

The federal government has put a new crime unit in place to focus on home mortgage fraud cases. This is little consolation to those who lost their homes, since those in the financial services industry who are convicted of mortgage fraud still get to spend years living in free, federal housing.

“Lottery Ticket to Nowhere”

2012-01-27T15:07:00.000-08:00

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/ondeadline/post/2012/01/mystery-winner-of-14m-iowa-lottery-withdraws-claim-rather-than-steps-forward/1

An un-named Iowa lottery winner has withdrawn his claim to a $14.3 million jackpot. If people can turn down multi-million-dollar prizes, now, than the good news is, the recession is over.

The unknown winner turned down the money once he found out he couldn’t have it directly transferred to his off-shore Cayman Islands holding company, tax-free, for use in his presidential campaign.

Officially, because it’s Iowa, the government pays the winner $14.3 million to not grow corn.

“Moon U-Newt”

2012-01-27T15:06:00.000-08:00

Newt Gingrich said this week that as president, he would place a permanent American base on the moon by the end of his second term. Possibly, that’s all he expects to be left of America by then.

Of course, the new moon base would be a conservative base.

Newt wants voters to associate him with the moon, which is easy. Both are big, round, white, dense, and have little gravity so nothing sticks to them for long.

Many people in the business world like the idea of building on the moon, because it doesn’t have the environmental compliance restrictions we have here on Earth.

“Clean Air and Consciences”

2012-01-27T15:04:00.000-08:00

http://www.usatoday.com/money/autos/environment/story/2012-01-27/california-air-car-hybrids/52820334/1

California has passed new emission standards aimed at a 75% reduction in air pollution by 2025, by pushing hybrid and electric cars. Not only will they reduce smog by up to 75%, there will also be a 34% reduction in hybrid snobbery and electric smugness.

Because ‘smug’ and ‘snob’ equals ‘smog.’

"Sleep Mode"

2012-01-20T14:52:00.000-08:00

A company has revealed a new robotic pillow that becomes more comfortable by fluffing and adjusting itself while you sleep. Now they are developing Creepy Robot Pillow, which just watches you while you sleep.

It was a pleasant coincidence that this robot happened to be comfortable enough to make a good pillow. When it was invented, its original purpose, like all robots, was for sex with Japanese businessmen.

"'Red Tails Tale"

2012-01-20T14:47:00.000-08:00

George Lucas' new movie "Red Tails" opens this weekend. Not only does it showcase the real-life heroism of the Tuskegee airmen, it also functions as an apology to black movie-goers who were offended by Jar Jar Binks.

The movie’s big twist is when the audience learns that star Cuba Gooding Jr.’s father is really James Earl Jones.

I don’t know if the movie is good, but if does well commercially, expect 2 sequels and a prequel trilogy to follow.

“Royals Off the Grid”

2012-01-20T14:42:00.001-08:00

Prince William and Duchess Kate are taking separate vacations. Kate is in the Caribbean with her family, while William is on a hunting trip in Spain with his brother Harry. Kate will be sunning and swimming, while William hunts for his lost hair.

Hence his title, “Hair to the throne.”

“Rick’s Retreat”

2012-01-19T16:56:00.000-08:00

http://www.usatoday.com/news/politics/story/2012-01-19/perry-republican-race/52677368/1

Rick Perry ended his presidential campaign Thursday, just 2 days shy of the South Carolina primary. Apparently, he thought that was the last one.

Perry is looking forward to going back to Texas to tend to the matters of his office as governor. Especially, picking up syringes to personally vaccinate all Texas teen girls.

Perry quickly gave his endorsement to Newt Gingrich, pointing out that even while he was running, he planned to vote for Gingrich.

Perry said Gingrich wouldn’t be afraid to tell Washington interests to take a hike. He’s right. A pay hike.

Gingrich said he was humbled by Perry’s endorsement. That marks the first time Gingrich’s name has

ever appeared in the same sentence as the word ‘humble.’

Perry decided on Gingrich because, with all his womanizing, he seems the least likely to be gay.

As the governor of Texas, Perry’s one regret is that you can’t kill a campaign by lethal injection or electric chair.

“Threesome, Tiresome”

2012-01-19T16:53:00.000-08:00

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/onpolitics/post/2012/01/newt-gingrich-ex-wife-interview-/1

Newt Gingrich’s ex-wife Marianne, said that her then husband had asked her if they could have an “open marriage,” so he could see another woman, who later became his 3^rd wife. Speculating how this might play into politics, critics say that a President Gingrich might want to be become the prime minister of Canada at the same time.

Gingrich supports say his ex-wife’s account just proves that Newt is able to adapt to changing times and lay plans for the future.

The former Mrs. Gingrich said this all went on while Newt publicly criticized then President Clinton’s family values in the midst of his sex scandal. When Clinton heard about this overlap, he immediately found Newt and high-fived him.

“End of Negotiations” or "Captain's Final Log"

2012-01-19T16:52:00.000-08:00

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/entertainment/post/2012/01/priceline-kills-off-william-shatners-negotiator-in-new-ad/1

Priceline is killing off pitchman William Shatner’s Priceline Negotiator character in an upcoming commercial. Sure to be a ruse, the commercial must take place in an alternate timeline or the Mirror universe.

The killing will be done by deal-thirsty Klingons.

It is still unclear if Shatner will be replaced by the next generation spokesman, Patrick Stewart, a reimagining starring Chris Pine, or if the franchise will just be logically taken over by Leonard Nimoy.

“Judging Lindsay”

2012-01-17T16:52:00.000-08:00

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/entertainment/post/2012/01/lindsay-lohan-back-in-court-probation-hearing/1

Lindsay Lohan was back in court Tuesday morning for a probation hearing. The judge was impressed by her recent completion of community service hours and counseling sessions. But even more impressed by her Playboy photos.

Despite her legal troubles, Lindsay is clearly trying to cooperate with the court and trying to get back to having a normal life. Of course, for Lindsay, normal is going to the Golden Globes between weeks of community service hours at the morgue, after posing for naked pictures for $1 million.

“Deen-abetes”

2012-01-17T16:51:00.000-08:00

http://yourlife.usatoday.com/fitness-food/diet-nutrition/story/2012-01-16/Paula-Deen-spreads-word-about-diabetes-in-down-home-manner/52602710/1

Food Network star Paula Deen has publicly announced that she has Type 2 diabetes, and as a result, she may change many of her recipes. They will all still be full of butter and sugar, but now Paula says to add half a cup of insulin.

Though Paula has known she has Type 2 diabetes since 2008, she didn’t want to reveal news of it publicly until she was cured, died, or got an offer to move to the Sugar-Free Network.

“Round Numbers”

2012-01-17T16:50:00.000-08:00

http://yourlife.usatoday.com/fitness-food/diet-nutrition/story/2012-01-17/Obesity-epidemic-in-USA-shows-signs-of-leveling-off/52613442/1

According to the National Center for Health Statistics, the steady rise in the obesity rate in the U.S., seems to have leveled off at 35.5%. Now that we seemed to have reached the top of the hill, we’re rotund enough to roll down it.

It isn’t that Americans aren’t continuing to become obese, but the ones who have been obese are finally dying at the same rate.

“Small Risk”

2012-01-17T16:45:00.000-08:00

http://editorial.autos.msn.com/blogs/autosblog.aspx?feat=e5acc338-bc51-42a8-9df4-c3442bff778e&icid=autos_2289

Due over a fire risk from a faulty circuit board, BMW has recalled nearly 90,000 Mini Cooper vehicles. Fortunately, that’s the equivalent of only 30,000 regular size cars.

While the Minis are serviced, the customers, like all BMW drivers, will still be able to get around on their general feeling of superiority.

"Six-Piece?"

2012-01-17T16:44:00.000-08:00

A Los Angeles woman was arrested for prostitution after offering sexual favors in exchange for Chicken McNuggets. This is exactly why Chicken McNuggets should come with a wet-nap.

She was released when police were unable to prove that there was any chicken in a McNugget.

For a side of fries, you can chicken finger her.

“Speeding Fast Food”

2012-01-17T16:40:00.000-08:00

http://www.usatoday.com/money/industries/food/story/2012-01-12/burger-king-delivery/52604104/1?csp=hf

Burger King is testing home delivery of its food. Because there’s nothing quite as delicious as a flame-broiled hamburger that you re-heat in the microwave, yourself.

Home delivery could be a big success for Burger King, as long as they are smart enough to rule out deliveries by their creepy, silent King mascot.

Americans have gotten so lazy, we don’t even want to go out of the house to pick up the greasy fast food that’s killing us.

McDonald’s recently tried a similar plan, but their delivery vehicles kept getting car-jacked by the Hamburglar.

“Baby Train”

2012-01-17T16:38:00.000-08:00

http://www.usatoday.com/news/nation/story/2012-01-17/mom-birth-train-new-york/52615178/1

A New Jersey woman gave birth to a baby boy on a commuter train to New York Monday. The train conductor acted fast – he was quick to collect the fare for the extra passenger.

When the mother’s contractions quickened and it became obvious she wasn’t going to make it off the train in time, the father delivered his own baby. Naturally, both parents’ biggest concern was that the baby not be born in New Jersey.

Once the train stopped, the family was rushed to the hospital, where doctors and administrators scrambled to charge them as much money as possible.

“The Flight Was Smashing, Not Crashing”

2012-01-17T16:36:00.000-08:00

http://overheadbin.msnbc.msn.com/_news/2012/01/17/10175708-oops-passengers-erroneously-told-plane-was-about-to-crash

An automated announcement aboard a British Airways flight incorrectly informed passengers that the plane was about to crash-land in the Atlantic Ocean, briefly causing a panic. That was in coach. In first class, the passengers were calmly invited to swim with dolphins.

The London-bound passengers were quickly reassured by flight attendants, but then they panicked again when they heard that the plane had run out of tea.

The passengers realized that the plane wasn’t going to crash when they noticed that none of the crew had gone into a lavatory to join the mile high club.

“Darwinism”

2012-01-17T16:35:00.000-08:00

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/46020014

British scientists have rediscovered lost fossil samples collected and put onto slides by Charles Darwin in 1846. The samples were from trees, plants, and fungi, but disappointingly, over the past century and a half, none of them evolved into anything else.

“A Series of Good Fellas”

2012-01-13T15:17:00.000-08:00

AMC has announced that they are developing a new TV series based on the movie GoodFellas. The network expects viewers to take interest – if they know what’s good for them.

The show is being financed with some bags of money that just happened to fall off a truck.

If the show is a success, it will spawn an inferior spin-off called “Casino.”

“Human Zoo”

2012-01-13T15:16:00.001-08:00

http://news.yahoo.com/outrage-over-human-zoo-indian-islands-114059047.html

Human rights groups Wednesday condemned a video from a remote island off the coast of India showing tribal women being made to dance for food. Here is the US we would never tolerate such a thing. In America, those women would be dancing for dollar bills.

"Police Chase"

2012-01-13T15:15:00.000-08:00

http://news.yahoo.com/handcuffed-man-steals-police-car-radios-key-091608938.html

In Porter County, Indiana, A man arrested for drug charges escaped the arrest scene while handcuffed by stealing the police car. The suspect came up with the strategy by watching old episodes of The Dukes of Hazzard.

"Bald Barbie"

2012-01-13T15:13:00.001-08:00

http://yourlife.usatoday.com/health/story/2012-01-11/Young-cancer-survivors-lobby-Mattel-for-bald-Barbie/52503118/1

A group started by cancer survivors is petitioning Mattel to make a Barbie doll who is bald. As anyone who’s ever removed her clothes knows, in a way, she already is.

If Barbie underwent chemotherapy for cancer, at least it would finally explain how she’s so skinny.

"Coming Out in Utah"

2012-01-13T15:12:00.000-08:00

http://travel.usatoday.com/destinations/dispatches/post/2012/01/gayest-places-in-usa-list-causes-controversy/600091/1?csp=hf

The Advocate, a magazine catering to the gay community, put Salt Lake City, Utah at number 1 on its 3^rd annual list of the “Gayest Cities in America.” Though controversial, the gay attention has certainly made Salt Lake City even saltier.

Said a Salt Lake City spokesman, “Our city isn’t actually as gay as it looks. Most Mormons just spend a lot of time at the gym.”

Because of the attention, The Great Salt Lake itself is being renamed The Fabulous Salt Lake.

Of course, a hit Broadway Musical called The Book of Mormon doesn’t exactly change the new stereotype.

"Chaz Boner?"

2012-01-13T15:09:00.000-08:00

In a recent interview Chaz Bono told Rolling Stone magazine that he' s in the market for finding a penis. This was unexpected, because when he was a woman, penis was the thing Chaz hated most.

Apparently it was a pretty limp interview.

“Judge Agrees: Edwards Needs a Knife Stuck in his Chest”

2012-01-13T15:07:00.000-08:00

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/onpolitics/post/2012/01/john-edwards-life-threatening-condition-/1

Citing a “life-threatening” need for heart surgery, a federal judge has postponed John Edwards’s trial for allegedly breaking campaign finance laws to cover his affair with Rielle Hunter. Two doctors confirmed that Edwards’ condition, as the affair while his wife was dying of cancer proves that he was and is heartless.

In a related story, John Kerry has flip-flopped on supporting Edwards.

"Presidential Power"

2012-01-13T15:05:00.000-08:00

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/theoval/post/2012/01/obama-proposes-re-organizing-trade-offices/1

President Obama has asked Congress to give him the authority to merge overlapping federal agencies overseeing international trade. He followed that request to Congress with another: that both houses agree to disband altogether and grant him the title of Permanent King.

"Deen and Sugar"

2012-01-13T15:04:00.000-08:00

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/entertainment/post/2012/01/buzz-paula-deen-to-reveal-she-has-diabetes/1

Country cooking maven Paula Deen may address the rumors that she has Type 2 diabetes. The rumors started in April when Deen accidentally cut her finger with a kitchen knife and pure butter ran from the wound.

Fortunately, with some ice and a band-aid, the butter quickly hardened.

"Low Blow to Khloe"

2012-01-13T15:03:00.000-08:00

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/entertainment/post/2012/01/khloe-kardashian-robert-star-not-his-kid-ashley-kris-jenner/1?csp=obinsite

Friday on Good Morning America, Kris Jenner dismissed a tabloid news story claiming Khloe Kardashian is not really the daughter of Robert Kardashian, but the result of one of Kris’s affairs. Evidence based on Khloe’s appearance suggests the real father was either Andre the Giant or a wooly mammoth.

“Chris Brown to Calm Down?”

2012-01-09T17:12:00.000-08:00

Singer Chris Brown's representatives have announced that he will be focusing on singing and performing and not doing any interviews about his personal life in 2012. There's no joke ready for that. Chris Brown wants to punch it up himself.

"Becker and Pecker"

2012-01-09T17:09:00.000-08:00

A hearing was postponed for Catherine Kieu Becker, the woman accused of cutting off her husband's penis and putting it down a garbage disposal. The prosecution asked for the delay because their star witness was going off, half-cocked.

“’Anger Management’ Management”

2012-01-09T16:55:00.001-08:00

http://tv.msn.com/tv/article.aspx?news=694256

Charlie Sheen spoke to reporters about his upcoming TV series “Anger Management” on Sunday. Sheen says he is ‘eager to tackle more mature themes,’ which is his publicist’s phrasing of his announcement that he is now willing to start banging older broads.

“International Incident”

2012-01-09T16:54:00.000-08:00

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/45928926/ns/business-retail/t/papa-johns-apologizes-chinky-eyes-receipt/

Papa John’ pizza formally apologized to a New York customer after an employee typed up her receipt describing her as “lady chinky eyes.” Unfortunately, the official apology went like this, “Ah-so. Me so solly.”

The company fired the employee responsible. A Spokesman said, “If he wants to work in a fast food environment that’s an insult to Asians, let him go work at Panda Express.”

Unfortunately, this is hardly their first culturally insensitive incident. For years they have offended Italians with what Papa John’s calls ‘pizza.’

To be more culturally sensitive, they are also renaming their Hawaiian pizza the Pacific Islander pizza.

The news story went viral within hours. The customer was even more offended by the way the media putting a slant on it.

NEW PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE SLOGANS

2012-01-05T16:02:00.000-08:00

"Vote for Newt Gingrich.

Because to lead the free world, you should be of planetary size."

‎

"Mitt Romney for president.

Because the best way not to be afraid of Mormons is to have one everybody keeps an eye on..."

“ Rick Santorum.

He'll bring decorum. (That's why I'm for 'im.)”

"Support Ron Paul.

Didn't he used to play Frasier and Niles' dad on TV?"

‎"There's still time to get behind Herman Cain.

After all, he wants to get behind you."

"Reelect President Obama.

I mean, come on, America, be fair; you gave W. two tries."

“Police Force.”

2012-01-05T15:59:00.000-08:00

http://specials.msn.com/a-list/news/trooper-tasers-darth-vader-psp

A Florida state trooper was forced to use a Taser on a man dressed as Darth Vader. The suspect was drunk and was accused of publicly exposing his light saber.

The trooper had to get the upper hand before his suspect could power up the Death Star.

But at least it didn’t happen in front of his kids, Luke and Leia.

For besting Vader in battle, the Trooper has been promoted to Storm Trooper.

In implementing the taser, the trooper used the force. Specifically, he used non-lethal force.

“When the Smoke Clears… Applications”

2012-01-05T15:53:00.000-08:00

http://www.usatoday.com/money/industries/health/story/2012-01-03/health-care-jobs-no-smoking/52394782/1

In an increasing employment trend, companies are avoiding hiring smokers in order to cut health and

life insurance costs. In other words, they are literally sick of having to cough up more money.

Smokers have the last laugh, though, when they die and don’t need a job any more.

The National Workrights Institute, an off-shoot of the ACLU, is working to defend smokers’ rights. They call such hiring bans a cancer on the lungs of the workforce.

All the fuss is making smokers nervous, which only makes them smoke more.

With more and more companies getting on board, this hiring trend appears to be addictive.

"Chipmunk Cheeky"

2012-01-05T15:49:00.000-08:00

http://specials.msn.com/a-list/news/chicago-man-naked-chipmunks-movie-psp

A Chicago man was arrested after stripping naked at a movie theatre showing Chipmunks: Chipwrecked. Even creepier, the man referred to his genitals as “Alvin, Simon, and Theodore.”

"Of Mice and Se-Men"

2012-01-05T15:48:00.000-08:00

http://www.cbsnews.com/8301-504763_162-57351397-10391704/scientists-grow-mouse-sperm-in-laboratory-can-it-help-humans/

A team of German scientists say they have been able to grow mouse sperm in a laboratory. The hard part was getting their hands on mouse porn.

Future applications for this study could mean an end to fertility problems for men. Assuming they don’t mind babies who look like mice.

There have been millions of previous occasions when a mouse helped a man produce sperm, but until now, it was always a computer mouse.

“Bachman Bach’s Out”

2012-01-04T16:34:00.001-08:00

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/onpolitics/post/2012/01/bachmann-cancels-sc-schedules-news-conference/1?csp=hf

After finishing 6^th in the Iowa Republican caucuses Tuesday, Michelle Bachman has said she is suspending her presidential campaign, but said she will continue to fight against President Obama. She did not specify how she’ll fight him, but one can presume her main weapon will be her crazy stare.

Now that Bachman is out of the campaign, she will be free to spend more time with her husband to try to turn him straight.

“Arabian Night-gowns”

2012-01-04T16:33:00.000-08:00

http://specials.msn.com/a-list/news/saudi-arabia-lingerie-law-psp

A new law has gone into effect in Saudi Arabia, allowing only women to work in ladies’ lingerie stores. This is for the sake of the privacy and dignity of the ladies who shop there, claimed the Saudi Transvestite Businessman’s Association.

The store’s inventory consists of only the latest fashions in women’s intimate apparel. Otherwise, their customers wouldn’t be able to show their faces in public.

A wide variety of lingerie styles are available, because as the saying goes, “beauty is in the eye-slit of the beholder.”

Though Saudi women are required to have their entire bodies except hands and eyes covered in public, they are allowed to wear more revealing attire at home, as way to feel attractive before being forced into sex by their husbands.

Saudi Arabia’s most popular lingerie store is Victoria’s Shiek-ret.

“Crabbing On” or “Crab on the Hoff Shell”

2012-01-04T16:29:00.000-08:00

http://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/blogpost/post/hasselhoff-crab-discovered-in-antarctic-deep-sea-vents/2012/01/04/gIQAzM4QaP_blog.html?wprss=blogpost

Scientists in the Antarctic have discovered a new sub-species of Yeti crab which they have nicknamed the Hasselhoff crab, after David Hasselhoff, because it appears to have a hairy chest. Hasselhoff is certainly not, however, the first Baywatch cast member to have crabs.

The crabs are protected by a hard shell that is bulletproof and has both computer intelligence and a turbo boost.

The Hasselhoff crabs also walk sideways, but that’s because they are drunk.

The new species is already topping the pop charts in Germany.

“Of Mice and Men”

2012-01-04T16:27:00.000-08:00

http://news.yahoo.com/pepsi-says-mountain-dew-dissolve-mouse-carcasses-213911576.html

PepsiCo is facing a lawsuit from a man who alleges that in 2009, he found a mouse in a can of Mountain Dew he was drinking. The mouse is also suing PepsiCo for being forced to taste the Mountain Dew.

PepsiCo says they suspect a hoax, and they say that a mouse sealed inside the can would have partially dissolved or taken on a gelatinous composition. Their statement may not win their case, but it does assure that no one is ever going to want to drink Mountain Dew again.

“Cardinal Sin” or “When in Rome”

2012-01-04T16:25:00.000-08:00

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/45871047/ns/us_news-life/

Assistant bishop Gabino Zavala of the Roman Catholic archdiocese of Los Angeles has resigned over a scandal in which it was revealed that he had a secret family including 2 teenage children. The Church was shocked, of course, that a Catholic bishop turned out to be straight.

The Los Angeles diocese has a long Roman Catholic tradition of scandal and resigning in disgrace.

Even though he is no longer a member of the priesthood, his kids still call him Father.

Now the bishop is just like most other Los Angeles dads: unemployed.

“Cops at Lindsay Lohan’s House – But It’s Not What You Think.”

2012-01-04T16:22:00.000-08:00

http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/45858397/ns/today-entertainment/t/lindsay-lohans-alleged-trespasser-arrested/

Lindsay Lohan called police to her Venice Beach home New Year’s Day, when a trespassing man knocked on her door and refused to leave. Officers showed up to arrest the man, but as soon as she saw the cops, out of habit Lindsay swallowed her drug balloons and hid stolen jewelry in her vagina.

See you in 2012!

2011-12-30T13:10:00.000-08:00

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

“Elly Mae Pay Day”

2011-12-30T13:06:00.000-08:00

http://www.usatoday.com/money/industries/retail/story/2011-12-29/barbie-doll-suit-settled/52267326/1

Donna Douglas, the actress who played Elly Mae Clampett on The Beverly Hillbillies, who had sued Mattel and CBS over using her likeness for an Elly Mae Barbie doll, settled the case for up to an estimated $75,000. Once Elly Mae got her money, she loaded up the truck and moved to Beverly… Massachusetts, that is. 75 grand won’t get you squat in Beverly Hills.

“Cry of Newt”

2011-12-30T13:00:00.000-08:00

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/onpolitics/post/2011/12/newt-gingrich-cries-mother/1

At a Des Moines coffee house, Newt Gingrich broke into tears when talking about his mother to a group called CafeMoms. It’s understandable. After all, she’s the woman who named her own son “Newt.”

“Blackmailer ‘On the Case’”

2011-12-30T12:58:00.000-08:00

http://social.entertainment.msn.com/tv/blogs/tv-buzz-blog.aspx?blog=2080&feat=9c955c06-983c-4930-8ede-88d3f10010d2

Robert “Joe” Halderman, the former CBS producer who tried to blackmail David Letterman in 2010, has landed a new job as a producer for Paula Zahn’s On the Case on Investigation Discovery. Zahn better not be sleeping with any of her interns.

After serving time for extortion, having threatened the Late Show host with exposure after discovering secrets about his personal life, it’s kind of funny that Halderman is producing for an “investigative” show. But Letterman probably won’t be joking about it.

“All Gaga for New Year’s”

2011-12-29T16:54:00.000-08:00

http://tv.msn.com/tv/article.aspx?news=692404

Pop Superstar Lady Gaga will be counting down the New Year with the ceremonial ball drop in Times Square. At exactly 12:00, live in New York City, Gaga’s balls will drop.

On New Year’s Eve, with so many people wearing crazy hats, costumes, and wild glasses, Gaga will finally have a place where she blends in.

“Laws of the Land”

2011-12-29T16:53:00.000-08:00

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/45806369/

A new law in Utah that takes effect January 1^st will make it illegal for bars to offer “happy hour” drink specials. Bars are expected to figure out that, since alcohol is a depressant, they can start promoting “unhappy hour” instead.

In Nevada, music therapists now have to be licensed. But music groupies still just have to be hot.

In Georgia, golf carts taken off the course onto roads have to have brakes, warning devices, and a horn. Apparently, those loud, golf sweaters just aren’t enough anymore.

All golf cats must be equipped with safety equipment such as back-up warnings, too. In fact, while golfing, if you hook or slice the ball, you now have to use turn signals.

“Chimp and See”

2011-12-29T16:51:00.000-08:00

http://www.usatoday.com/tech/science/story/2011-12-29/chimps-warn-dangers/52275078/1

A two-year biology study reveals that chimpanzees warn fellow chimps about unseen dangers to their well-being. This finding probably explains the recent increase in anti-smoking ads.

On a basic instinctive level, the chimps seem to partly understand each other’s intentions. It’s why they are better than humans at dodging hand-flung poop.

Of course, the best way for a chimp to get clear warning messages from another, pay him a couple of bananas in advance, for his trouble.

“Engaging Jordan”

2011-12-29T16:49:00.000-08:00

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/entertainment/post/2011/12/michael-jordan-proposes-to-girlfriend-/1

Basketball great Michael Jordan proposed to his longtime girlfriend Yvette Prieto. Like Jordan himself, the question seemed to hang in the air for a long time.

No word on the price of her ring, but it probably cost quite a few Air Jordans.

Now that they are engaged, Jordan can’t wait to get his Hanes on her.

The concept of the diamond ring confused Jordan. He’s used to putting the rock inside the hoop.

The proposal came on Christmas Day. And that night, he dunked it.

No doubt the diamond can be measured by carats, but Chicago Bulls fans are counting the points.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

2011-12-28T16:42:00.000-08:00

I want to wish a very happy, healthy, safe, and prosperous new year to all of my blog readers around the world, my supporters, friends, and family. Each year I hope to spread a little laughter into the world, and each year I am given the gift of laughter from so many of you, along with a lot of love. Thank you for being part of my 2011. Here's to a new year filled with blessings, light, and hopefully, some good jokes.

Happy 2012.

“Rest ‘Il’ Peace”

2011-12-28T16:31:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was the funeral for North Korean leader Kim Jong Il. The North Korean people have been told via state media that, although he appears dead, he will awaken with only one kiss from Prince Charming.

Government officials wanted the road paved with gold for the funeral procession. Gold was not available, however, so instead they paved it with North Koreans.

“Pop Proposal”

2011-12-16T14:41:00.000-08:00

http://www.usatoday.com/life/people/story/2011-12-16/britney-spears-engaged/52009134/1

Britney Spears has gotten engaged, to Jason Trawick, who was her manager until May, 2010, when they began dating. Instead of a wild, crazy bachelorette party, Britney will just have a flashback to 2008.

The pair ended their professional relationship to concentrate on their personal one. In other words, Jason can quit his job, now that he’s got himself a sugar mama.

It is unknown at this time if there will be a pre-nuptial agreement, but one thing is for sure: Jason will insist that Britney not open-mouth kiss Madonna anymore.

“Smaller Snooki”

2011-12-16T14:39:00.000-08:00

Jersey Shore’s Nicole “Snooki” Poizzi has been on a program to lose weight, and looking slimmer than ever, she says she’s down to 107 lbs. That only leaves 107 to go.

Snooki is happy to have lost so much weight, saying “This is f*cking cool. I can get sh*t-faced on less booze, now.”

“This Means War”

2011-12-15T16:43:00.000-08:00

http://worldnews.msnbc.msn.com/_news/2011/12/15/9461909-a-new-chapter-us-officially-ends-iraq-war

The war in Iraq has officially been declared over, with 4,000 troops still there and waiting to return home. Upon hearing the news, George W. Bush immediately called President Obama and asked if he could get that “Mission Accomplished” banner now, as a souvenir.

“Fake Drug Facts”

2011-12-15T16:42:00.000-08:00

http://www.usatoday.com/news/nation/story/2011-12-14/more-teens-using-synthetic-drugs/51900736/1

A national survey found a startling increase in the number of teens who have used synthetic drugs, which mimic the effects of marijuana but commonly have dangerous side effects. On the bright side, the making of synthetics has given a strong boost to U.S. manufacturing.

"Failing Grades"

2011-12-15T16:40:00.000-08:00

http://www.usatoday.com/news/education/story/2011-12-15/schools-federal-standards/51949126/1

The Center on Education Policy released a national report Thursday that reveals almost half of all public schools failed this year’s federal achievement standards. Now, it’s up to state administrators to work with Congress to quickly lower the standards.

Based on federal testing only 52% of schools have made adequate academic progress. However, based on new grading methods, 52% is a C+.

“Less Jackson”

2011-12-15T16:39:00.001-08:00

http://yourlife.usatoday.com/fitness-food/story/2011-12-15/For-Janet-Jackson-Nutrisystem-isnt-about-dieting/51948534/1

Janet Jackson is a new spokeswoman for the weight loss program Nutrisystem. Throughout her life, Janet’s weight has affected her self esteem, but now she is bouncing back, like a great, big, round, ball.

The company’s plan uses pre-packaged foods to help customers meet their weight loss goals, the same way Janet’s music uses pre-packaged rhythms and melodies.

Janet describes her weight-loss success using Nutrisystem as “Good Times.”

“Poor Results”

2011-12-15T16:37:00.000-08:00

http://www.usatoday.com/news/nation/story/2011-12-15/poor-census-low-income/51944034/1?csp=hf

According to data from the U.S. Census Bureau, almost 1 out of 2 Americans can now be classified as poor or low income. What’s really sad is how the comparatively rich “low income” people are not taking care of the poor.

The poor are, in turn, jealous of people earning a low income.

It’s hard to distinguish “low income” from “poor”, unless you break it down to those who have a cell phone contract, and those who pay for data, talk and text month-to-month.

Most of America won’t pay any attention to this statistic, however, unless those in both the poor and low income brackets start speaking with a cockney accent from the 1890’s or earlier.

“A Person for our Time”

2011-12-14T17:00:00.000-08:00

http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/45657166/ns/today-today_celebrates_2011/t/time-magazine-reveals-its-person-year/

Time magazine has named its annual “Person of the Year,” and it is: ‘The Protester,’ acknowledging this years marches from Egypt to Occupy Wall Street. When they saw the face of the protester on the cover, out of habit, UC Davis Police pepper-sprayed magazine stands.

Some who felt there were other, more important events or individuals decided to, well, protest.

The Protestors beat the likes of SEAL Team 6, Steve Jobs, and Herman Cain. Meanwhile, cops beat the protesters.

"Swiss Bankroll"

2011-12-14T16:54:00.000-08:00

http://worldnews.msnbc.msn.com/_news/2011/12/13/9424054-casino-nixes-57-million-slot-payout-jilted-swiss-to-sue

A player at a Swiss casino who thought he won a $57 million jackpot is suing the casino that claimed the flashing screen was an error and denied his pay-out. The casino is scared because in court, their odds of winning are only 50/50, the worst they’ve ever seen.

A true gambler, the man is suing for double or nothing.

“Single People, Double Digits”

2011-12-14T16:52:00.000-08:00

http://usnews.msnbc.msn.com/_news/2011/12/13/9425241-where-are-mr-or-mrs-right-matrimony-suffers-slump-report-shows

America’s marriage rate for 2009 – 2010 dropped to a record low of 51%, down from 72% in 1960. Experts are divided on the cause, unsure if it’s Kim Kardashian or Kris Humphries that’s really to blame.

The statistics show that the only ones who want to get married anymore are gay people.

Studies suggest that money may be a factor in people holding off marriage. It is true that, in the current economy, it’s much harder than it used to be to find someone to marry for money.

Though most people are influenced to marry by their church, that message is contradicted the more powerful message of reality TV.

"Action Stopped"

2011-12-14T16:49:00.000-08:00

http://wonderwall.msn.com/tv/macgyver-star-richard-dean-anderson-suffers-through-stalled-car-situation-1657764.story

Richard Dean Anderson, of MacGyver fame, got stuck on the side of the road when his car broke down in Malibu Tuesday. A tow truck eventually showed up, but instead of towing the car, the driver gave Anderson 30 seconds to get his car started again using only the parts of his wristwatch and a flashlight before a time-bomb went off.

"Bret's Pets"

2011-12-14T15:07:00.000-08:00

http://wonderwall.msn.com/movies/7-wonders-of-the-wall-for-dec-13-2612.video?from=en-us_msnhp

Bret Michaels is launching a line of pet accessories called “Pets Rock.” The collection includes studded dog collars and tiny leather vests, all of which Bret Michaels, at one time or another, probably wore.

Michaels is quite the dog lover, which you already know if you’ve seen the women he slept with on Rock of Love.

Bret’s cool accessories even include bandanas for balding pets.

Dogs tend to love Bret Michaels and his products, at least when they are drunk.

“Hammer vs. Gavel”

2011-12-14T14:55:00.000-08:00

http://wonderwall.msn.com/movies/7-wonders-of-the-wall-for-dec-13-2612.video?from=en-us_msnhp

MC Hammer is being sued for owing back taxes to the US government. Hammer famously declared bankruptcy back in 1996, but the IRS still thinks he had pretty deep pockets. Why else would he have worn those huge, baggy pants with the crotch that only went to the knees?

Like they say, they only 2 things that are certain in life are debt and taxes.

“Jobs Search”

2011-12-14T14:51:00.000-08:00

http://digitallife.today.msnbc.msn.com/_news/2011/12/12/9394814-steve-jobs-biography-is-amazons-best-selling-book-of-2011

Amazon.com’s top selling book of 2011 is Steve Jobs’ biography. So now author Walter Isaacson joins all those people at Microsoft who were glad when Jobs died.

Of course, there is the theory that an angry Bill Gates is trying to buy up every copy.

“Hair Ball”

2011-12-14T14:47:00.000-08:00

http://music.msn.com/music/article.aspx?news=689650

A gambling website has purchased a piece of Michael Jackson’s hair with the intention of turning it into a ball for a roulette wheel. The roulette ball will be the first part of Jackson’s body to ever circulate among people over 21.

It seems hard to believe; Michael's hair had so much relaxer in it, it's hard to imagine it ever curling into a ball.

The most awkward part is, when the roulette ball comes to a stop, everyone looks at Conrad Murray.

"Mail Ego" or “Post It”

2011-12-14T14:40:00.000-08:00

http://bottomline.msnbc.msn.com/_news/2011/12/13/9421709-postal-service-delays-closures-until-mid-may

The U.S. Postal Service is delaying the planned closure of 252 mail-processing centers from an April deadline to mid-May. They figure that, by the middle of May, most of that April 1^st mail should be delivered.

The shutdowns will leave 100,000 postal employees out of work. The USPS is hoping to let these workers go before they have the opportunity to become disgruntled.

At least by laying them off, they won’t be able to afford firearms.

Many of the mail carriers plan to become male strippers.

“A Call to Stop All Calls”

2011-12-14T14:35:00.001-08:00

http://usnews.msnbc.msn.com/_news/2011/12/13/9418504-us-calls-for-ban-on-in-car-phone-use-even-with-bluetooth

The National Transportation Safety Board is calling for a national ban on all call phone use – including hands-free devices. News of this spread quickly across the country, one freeway text message at a time.

The immediate reaction to the news from most drivers was, “ OMG.”

Some consider this to be an issue of personal freedom; a subject that always tugs at people’s emoticons.

“A Dollar Change”

2011-12-14T14:34:00.000-08:00

http://bottomline.msnbc.msn.com/_news/2011/12/13/9420182-us-mint-says-goodbye-to-1-presidential-coins

Vice President Biden announced today that the U.S. Mint is halting production of $1 coins. Biden was the perfect spokesman, since he, too, is obsolete.

The $1 coins have never proven popular. Poor people spend them first because cash is lighter and easier to count and carry, and rich people don’t like that you can’t roll them up to snort anything through them.

A relief to the many concerned, the change is expected to have little or no impact on the coin purse industry.

"Politician Is his own Big Donor"

2011-12-14T14:18:00.000-08:00

http://worldnews.msnbc.msn.com/_news/2011/12/12/9397649-ex-ala-politician-caught-in-new-zealand-sperm-donor-scandal

Bill Johnson, conservative Alabama politician has been caught in a scandal in New Zealand for donating sperm to at least 9 lesbian women, at least 3 of whom became pregnant. As both a Christian and a sperm donor, he literally found new zeal.

The scandal is almost as big for the lesbians, for accepting sperm.

Having lost the Alabama gubernatorial race in 2010, he determined that its easier to win the popular vote, if you create the population yourself.

It was quite a surprise that Johnson impregnated these gay women, since they were never interested in any other Johnson.

“Sold by Volume”

2011-12-14T14:15:00.000-08:00

http://www.usatoday.com/money/media/story/2011-12-12/fcc-loud-commercials/51848692/1?csp=hf

After years of consumer complaints that TV commercials are much louder than the program content, the FCC passed new regulations Tuesday requiring ads to be set at the same volume as the shows. Now, viewers won’t have to cover their ears anymore, as they fast-forward through all the commercials.

Interestingly, every time broadcast television viewers turned down the volume, subscribers to HBO and Showtime turned up their noses.

“Lohan Leaked”

2011-12-08T17:22:00.000-08:00

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/entertainment/post/2011/12/linday-lohans-playboy-cover-/1?csp=hf

The cover for the upcoming Playboy magazine featuring Lindsay Lohan has been leaked online, a week before the issue will be available. It’s the first time anyone has been interested in Lindsay or Playboy in years.

The cover photo features Lindsay posed on a bunny shaped chair. A posed shot was chosen over the all the candids because all of those captured Lindsay either doing drugs or stealing jewelry.

Lindsay is certainly no stranger to the camera, having spent the last few years on court TV and county jail security footage.

In the photos, Lindsay shows one of her body parts not normally seen by her fans: her ankle without an electronic monitoring device.

Playboy called the pictures ‘tasteful,’ because when you pay someone $1 million to pose nude, no matter what you ask them to do, you’re going to consider it tasteful.

Lindsay almost had a substance abuse relapse on the set due to a strong alcohol odor, but it was just Hef walking through smelling like formaldehyde.

“Obama Chill on Pill” or “President B. on Plan B”

2011-12-08T17:18:00.000-08:00

http://yourlife.usatoday.com/health/story/2011-12-08/Obama-Morning-after-pill-decision-common-sense/51745132/1?csp=ylf

President Obama said he supports the Department of Health and Human Services decision to restrict availability of the morning-after pill to girls under 17 by requiring a prescription. He then glared and shook an accusing finger at Malia and Sasha.

To those 17 and older, the morning after pill is available over-the-counter, as long as you can handle the harsh, fluorescent lights at the drug store while you’re still hung over.

While the president didn’t comment directly on the over-the-counter availability of the drug for adults, he and Michelle exchanged a knowing glance and a relieved high-five.

“Inflated Facts”

2011-12-02T14:57:00.000-08:00

http://usnews.msnbc.msn.com/_news/2011/12/01/9141586-woman-denies-injecting-patients-buttocks-with-fix-a-flat

A Florida trans-gendered woman is facing charges for running a black-market butt-enhancement business where she injected cement, Fix-a-Flat, and superglue into a patient’s buttocks. The patient became suspicious that cement had been used, because as soon as her butt was smoothed out, someone made footprints in it before it could dry.

Asked why she used Fix-a-Flat tire sealant, the accused admitted, “I ran out of silly string and whipped cream.”

Accusations include practicing medicine without a license. Though, based on the materials she was using, the closest thing she had to a medical license was a discount card for The Home Depot.

Can you believe she used super-glue to seal a cosmetic surgery injection site? Everyone knows you have to caulk it.

“Marriage Wows”

2011-12-02T14:51:00.001-08:00

Michelle Bachman said that she thinks its okay for gay people to get married as long as they marry a member of the opposite sex. Just like her husband did.

“The Cain Mutiny” or "Sugar Cain"

2011-12-02T14:49:00.000-08:00

A woman has come forward claiming to have had an ongoing affair for 13 years with Herman Cain. Cain was quick to point out that a 13-year commitment is enough for more than 3 presidential terms.

Don't think this is being taken lightly by Cain's wife. She always thought that her husband only sexually harassed women who weren't interested in him.

There has not yet been any comment from Mrs. Cain, but word on the street is, she is working on her 9-9-9 plan: getting her size 9 shoe or her size 9 foot to kick her husband’s ass 9 times over.

“Paper Trail”

2011-11-30T16:29:00.000-08:00

http://money.msn.com/family-money/article.aspx?post=c585dab8-5a06-4b22-8937-56622f0acaa9

Three scammers were busted in Florida for swindling senior citizens into buying high volumes of special toilet paper to comply with fake, government septic tank requirements. Like the septic tanks, the scammers were full of it.

Seniors were targeted specifically by the phone scammers because they are the only people left who pick up their home phone.

Embarrassed victims were more than a little flushed.

Some of the seniors thought they were getting a great deal on special toilet paper, but they were just getting wiped out.

“Legal Circus”

2011-11-30T16:28:00.000-08:00

http://usnews.msnbc.msn.com/_news/2011/11/28/9072340-ringling-circus-paying-big-fine-over-animal-case

The Ringling Bros. Barnum & Bailey Circus parent company agreed on a settlement with the USDA over charges of animal mistreatment. The settlement was easily reached because both the circus’ representatives and the government officials are a bunch of clowns.

Federal inspections led to charges over treatment of the circus’ 54 pachyderms. The settlement was reached once they addressed the elephant in the room.

Several major issues dealt specifically with the care of tigers and zebras cages and enclosures. Until

those issues are resolved, stripes are officially out.

A chief complaint called out tigers’ feeding conditions. From now on, the tigers will only eat Frosted Flakes.

Asked for comment, the tigers said “They’re Greeaaat!”

R.I.P.

2011-11-29T16:28:00.000-08:00

A moment of seriousness to pay my respects.
Patrice O'Neal, an out-spoken comedian known from several Comedy Central roasts, as well as many appearances on Tough Crowd with Colin Quinn, among other shows, passed away at the age of 41.
I remember meeting Patrice and watching him work when I was first starting out in stand-up in the mid 1990's in Boston. He knew how to control the room, work the audience, and was very funny. He was literally a tough act to follow.
My condolences to his family, friends, and fans.

“American Way”

2011-11-29T16:19:00.000-08:00

http://bottomline.msnbc.msn.com/_news/2011/11/29/9088501-american-airlines-files-for-bankruptcy-protection

American Airlines has filed for bankruptcy. Their debts are so large they can no longer be carried-on.

Due to the company’s financial strains, all of their planes’ passenger cabins will now be even more pressurized.

To offset their costs, pilots will now be paid in frequent flyer miles.

The airline says that their biggest issues are labor and fuel costs. To save money on both, they are going to cover most of their destinations by strapping their planes to the top of buses.

Employees are taking the news pretty hard. Their faces looked so sad today, you’d think the luggage they lost was their own.

American’s debt ratio is so high, for the first time, the airline is actually living up to its name.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

2011-11-22T14:35:00.000-08:00

Wishing all of my fan(s) and reader(s) a very happy and healthy Thanksgiving holiday. I am thankful to have the chance to do what I love - to write jokes. And I don't know if those who read them really enjoy them, but I like to believe that my jokes are viewed and laughed at daily by hundreds of men, women, children, and unicorns. yes, I believe that unicorns can read and have the internet.
I am thankful that I live in a country where I have the freedom to poke fun at our government, our leaders, and the issues of the day, without fear of censorship or persecution. And I am thankful that there are people who share my point of view and appreciate my humor and silliness. And that a blog never reveals when I have something stuck in my teeth or write in my underwear.
I am thankful to my family, to my friends, to my supporters. Most of all I am thankful to God, for my family, friends, and supporters. And a special thank you to the politicians, the Real Housewives, The cast of Jersey Shore, and all the Kardashians, for making it so easy to come up with jokes during otherwise tough times. If Comedy is like a Thanksgiving holiday for the mind, you are surely the turkeys.

"The Family Perry"

2011-11-21T16:36:00.000-08:00

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/onpolitics/post/2011/11/rick-perry-marriage-pledge-family-leader-/1

Presidential hopeful Rick Perry has signed the conservative group Family Leader’s “marriage pledge,” which calls for personal upholding of the groups’ core values as well as a traditional definition of marriage to be written into a constitutional amendment. Some were surprised that Perry signed, since it suggests he still thinks of his candidacy as relevant.

Those unfamiliar with Family Leader, it's an organization dedicated to conservative views on social issues, not, as it sounds, a title that some charismatic crazy guy gave himself to start his own cult.

“Toy Man”

2011-11-21T16:29:00.000-08:00

http://www.usatoday.com/money/companies/management/story/2011-11-21/Mattel-ceo-to-retire/51333694/1

Toy giant Mattel reported that their CEO, Robert Eckert, will retire at the end of the year. The company made the announcement using their inside voice.

Eckert has headed the company for 11 years. And now he’s winding down.

During the time he has lead the company, he has also learned a lot about sharing and waiting your turn.

Allegedly, Eckert got really tired of everyone at the company playing games with him.

The CEO will be replaced by an electronic version of Eckert.

Eckert says that once he retires from the toy business, he’s looking forward to more play time.

Luckily for Eckert, his predecessor, CEO Barbie, left really tiny shoes to fill.

As exiting CEO, Eckert has an attractive retirement package, but of course, batteries are not included.

“American / Italian Pie”

2011-11-21T16:20:00.000-08:00

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/theoval/post/2011/11/obama-speaks-with-new-leader-of-italy/1

President Obama spoke to the new prime minister of Italy, Mario Monti, by phone Monday. The president made faux pas, when he suggested that Italian economic reform should be delivered in 30 minutes or less.

The two spoke through an interpreter, an Italian-American from New York who speaks no Italian, but talks loudly and with broad hand-gestures.

Monti ended the conversation with Obama by utilizing an old Italian custom: he played Journey’s “Don’t Stop Believin’” on a diner jukebox, sat down to eat his onion rings, and then everything just went black.

Now that he is prime minister, Mario Monti wants to be known as Super Mario.

“’Star’ Stars War”

2011-11-17T16:14:00.000-08:00

http://social.entertainment.msn.com/movies/blogs/the-hitlist-blog.aspx?feat=f1a61369-780d-4522-b1a1-888492561923

A feud has erupted between William Shatner and Carrie Fisher, starting with Shatner claiming Star Trek to be superior to Star Wars, and then Fisher firing back. It’s like two worlds colliding, and yes I’m making a fat joke about both of them.

So Captain Kirk and Princess Leia are going at it, but not at all in the way the obvious, ultimate sci-fi geek fantasy goes.

The Federation is on Kirk’s Side, but The Force is with Leia.

Only science fiction nerds are interested in this feud. Because no one else wants to watch two old broads fighting.

Why don't the two of them get the foreplay over with and start making sweet Wookie?