“Three’s Company”

The Secret Service has revealed that a third uninvited guest joined Tareq and Michaele Salahi at the White House state dinner in November. The man now being investigated is not afraid of prosecution or media attention for the stunt; he just doesn’t want to be associated with Tareq and Michaele Salahi.

“Biggest Erection”

The world’s tallest building, Burj Khalifa, opened in Dubai, Monday. It stands 2,717 feet tall, more than double the height of the Empire State Building. It started out much smaller, but then they filled it with Viagra.

The United Arab Emirates structure is named after the ruler of nearby emirate Abu Dhabi, who has always wanted a big erection.

Described as a “vertical city” of offices and apartments, the skyscraper also features 4 swimming pools, a hotel, and a private library. The only difficult thing about living and working in a vertical city is getting used to walking sideways up the walls.

“Running on Fumes”

A woman passed out and arrested in a stolen car may have set a South Dakota state record for blood alcohol level, which was .708. The legal limit is .08. The only person more drunk while in the driver’s seat got off on a technicality, when David Hasselhoff was behind the wheel of a car that drove itself.

“AT&T Cuts the Line”

AT&T has dropped its sponsorship deal with Tiger Woods. Their complaint was that he was too literal with their old slogan, “Reach out and Touch Someone.”

AT&T claims in its advertising that it offers the best worldwide phone service. Tiger Woods seemed to make a good spokesman, as one who likes to go ‘around the world.’

AT&T had hoped Woods would help promote their popular calling features, such as call waiting and call forwarding, but Tiger was only interested in trying to get a 3 way going.

“Heavy Metal, Heavy Hearts”

Jimmy Sullivan, the drummer for the band Avenged Sevenfold died Monday. There was no sign of foul play, but an autopsy was inconclusive. The band wants to know the cause of death, since that’s how he will be avenged.

“Forget the Ginkgo”

A National Institutes of Health-sponsored study shows that Ginkgo biloba, a popular botanical memory supplement, has no effect on memory, Alzheimer’s disease, or dementia. Doctors revealed these results to their patients, and then a while later, revealed them again.

“Tossed Goss”

Jon Gosselin’s New York apartment was allegedly broken into, robbed, and vandalized over the Christmas weekend. There were no witnesses, but if there is any justice in the world, it was just Santa Claus giving Jon what he really deserved for Christmas.

Gosselin claims that clothing was cut and household items including a family-heirloom vase were broken. Gosselin’s lawyer told him this was good practice to getting used to owning only half his former belongings.

“Bank on It”

Tyra Banks told People magazine that this will be the last season of her talk show. Tyra plans to shift focus to her film production company, so that she can use an even bigger medium to annoy people.

“Big Lots”

A shopping mall in Shijiazhuang, China is opening a special underground parking lot just for women drivers, with more lighting and wider spaces to help reduce car collisions. Female mall-goers insist that they are not bad drivers just because they are women; they say it’s because they’re Asian.

The new parking lot will be accompanied by a change to the name of the shopping center to “The Stereotype Mall.”

Designers of the new parking garage are being credited with engineering achievements as well as an award for being “The World’s Most Condescending Parking Structure.”

“Gay Argentina”

Two men from Argentina became Latin America’s first legally married gay couple this week. It was the most exciting thing for gay Argentineans since Andrew Lloyd Webber’s Evita!

Details about their wedding have been few, since a Google search of Latin gay marriage only turns up Roman orgies.

“Where Were You When you Saw That Online Kennedy Shot?”

Gossip site TMZ posted a photo supposedly depicting President John F. Kennedy with naked women on a boat in the 1950’s, which was later revealed to be a hoax. The incident could have seriously marred TMZ’s journalistic integrity, if only they had any.

“Priority List”

Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab, the Nigerian man charged with trying to blow up an Amsterdam flight bound for Detroit on Christmas day was not on Homeland Security’s “no-fly” list, but he was on the lower priority Terrorist Identities Datamart Environment, or TIDE, list of about 550,000 names. Not surprisingly, he was also on Santa’s “Naughty” list.

“A-Cart-eid”

Former President Jimmy Carter issued an open-letter apology to Jews for his 2006 book which compared Israel to Apartheid-era South Africa. However, he has yet to apologize to the rest of America for his presidency.

“Unpaid Insurance Bill”

The Senate passed its version of the healthcare bill Thursday after a debate that lasted 25 consecutive days. Coincidentally, that’s the exact average most patients wait in their doctor’s waiting rooms.

The cost of the entire packaged legislation is $871 billion, explaining why a piece of legislation is called a “bill.”

Under the plan, employers with more than 50 employees would have to provide health insurance or pay penalties. Perhaps not in the spirit of Christmas, Santa just laid off elves number 51 and up.

Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid accidentally voted “nay” during the roll-call vote, but quickly changed it to an “aye.” This prompted Republicans to quickly attach a rider to the bill to outlaw vote take-backs, as well as finger-crossies and ‘Opposite Day.’

“Holiday Cheer”

The holiday of Chanukah celebrates a small portion of oil that was lit in the Jewish Temple’s holy candelabra lasting eight times its natural length of light. If the menorah powered a car, it would have been the first hybrid.

Because the menorah burned oil, Al Gore is protesting Chanukah over the use of fossil fuels.

Some Christian groups are upset at the commercialization of Christmas, and say that Santa Claus gets the attention that should be on the birth of Jesus. Tim Gunn advised the Virgin Mary to dress baby Jesus in red velvet with white faux fur accents.

“Cocoanut Octo-Pi”

Marine biologists near Indonesia observed the first known instance of invertebrates using tools. Octopuses showed remarkable intelligence by building shelters out of cocoanut shells. However, one octopus admitted they got the idea from the Professor on Gilligan’s Island.

Scientists have been very impressed by the octopuses transporting of the materials and building the shelter. Unfortunately, that same transporting and building has pissed off local teamsters.

“Short Sentence Ends Long Story”

Richard and Mayumi Heene, the perpetrators of the “Balloon Boy” hoax, were sentenced to 90 and 20 days in jail, respectively, for influencing public officials when the couple staged the stunt. Richard Heene cried at the sentencing as he apologized, because reality show producers love to see that when they are casting.

Going to jail means being stuck in a dwelling surrounded by strangers, having to live on a strict schedule, take orders, and be under constant surveillance. So it’s just like the reality show they Heene’s always wanted.

“Criminal Records”

Two armed gunmen robbed a rap studio located in the basement of a Woodland Hills, CA home Monday. When police arrived on the scene, they arrested the rappers out of force of habit.

The value of the stolen items was not reported, but the rap being recorded in the home studio was estimated to be worth nothing.

The gunmen in Woodland Hills robbed the rappers of camera equipment and other items. However, living in Woodland Hills, the rappers robbed themselves of all street cred.

“The 9 Commandments”

A priest with the Church of England gave a sermon advising his congregation that those who have fallen on hard times should shoplift if they’ve run out of legal options. This has been deemed great advice, since, when they get caught and go to jail, they’ll have free meals and shelter.

Keep on the lookout for homeless people holding up cardboard signs that say “Will Work for Bail Money.”

The priest says he is not ashamed of his views, but if that’s true, then why is he always wearing that ski-mask?

Some are calling for the priest to be removed from his position. If he does wind up jobless, security will be watching him very carefully at every store he enters.

The priest is a vicar in York, England. Though, with his casual attitude towards stealing, some think he might really be from New York.

The priest has seen some negative consequences to his sermon, such as criticism from police, disagreement with Church officials, and the disappearance of all his furniture and silverware.

“Maine Line”

The state of Maine is considering legislation to require cell phones to bear labels saying that they can cause brain cancer, even though the FCC says that cell phones sold in the U.S. are safe. Nationwide, this is the first time many are even being made aware of the existence of Maine.

“Driving the Point”

School systems nationwide are trimming driver’s ed curriculum due to budget cuts. The fear is that students who don’t get the training may wind up driving like Tiger Woods.

Students who can’t afford expensive private instruction are likely to just get a crash course.

“Ballooned Budget”

Richard and Mayumi Heene, the parents responsible for the “Balloon Boy” hoax, have been served a bill of $42,000 for expenses including police, National Guard, and FAA resources called into service in rescue efforts. The Heenes have counter-offered the government full rights and ownership of their six year old son.

The Heenes say they don’t have that kind of money. They would have, but Jon Gosselin narrowly beat Richard Heene out of the prize money for Douchebag of the Year.

“Into the Eye of the Stem”

British doctors have successfully used adult stem cells to restore vision in 8 patients who had blindness in one eye. Stem cells from the ‘good’ eye were transplanted into the damaged eye, restoring the cornea. The British scientists hope to use similar technology to repair teeth, if they can ever find a British person with one ‘good’ tooth.

In the procedure, stem cells were extracted from the cornea, cultured in a lab, and then transplanted. The technique would be the same in America, except the stem cells wouldn’t be as cultured.

“Way Underage Drinking”

In Tennessee, a 4 year old boy was found drunk outdoors, wearing a dress he stole from a neighbor. The boy’s mother says he was acting out over her pending divorce from his father, who is in jail. Even worse, kids at preschool nick-named him David Hasselhoff Jr..

Despite his troubles, the boy is actually quite bright. Most Tennessee boys don’t start making their own moonshine until they're 8 or 9.

The legal age to drink is 21, but in Tennessee, cops start looking the other way when you’re about 13.

Even after the divorce, the Tennessee parents will still be brother and sister.

“Nazi Crime”

The Auschwitz concentration camp’s infamous “Work sets you free” has been recovered, following its theft last week. The sign will be restored, and Polish authorities say tighter security will include lights, as soon as they can get a ladder and a team of 4 men to change the bulb.

Last week the world was shocked by the theft. In a place that’s famous world-wide for horror, atrocities, and death, the last thing you expect is vandalism.

Despite the fame of the sign, which loomed over the entrance to the camp, work did not set the prisoners free; the Russian army did.

Even though the sign has been found, Mel Gibson still maintains that there had never been one.

“Desert Foxes”

A choir teacher in Phoenix, AZ has been placed on administrative leave for bringing students to a downtown Hooters restaurant for lunch following a performance. Some feel that this was an over-reaction. Surely Hooters girls had seen high school students before.

The choir director thought she was protecting the kids. By taking them to lunch before returning to campus, it was two more hours before the choir geeks could be beaten up by the school’s jocks.

“Jon & Kate Plus Hate”

Jon and Kate Gosselin’s divorce became final on Friday, with Kate retaining the family home and primary custody of all 8 children. Kate also gets exclusive use of her awful hairstyle, because no one else would want it.

Jon retains exclusive rights to the title “douche of all douches,” but only for one year, after which, the title will be shared by the Guidos on Jersey Shore.

Often, the real losers in a divorce are the children, but in this case, the real loser is still Jon.

Their legal split was settled as a no-fault divorce, but only because the state of Pennsylvania had no provision for a TLC’s fault divorce.

Jon and Kate both say that they still may even be willing to try to reconcile, if not for themselves, at least for the sake of their beloved ratings.

“Not Orphan Enough”

A Duke University study concluded that children who live in an orphanages fare as well, physically and emotionally, as children in family homes. Upon hearing this, the Gosselins’ 8 children all moved to an orphanage.

The university’s biggest challenge for the study was to travel back in time 60 years to find an orphanage.

The study’s methods may be called into question, since their research included the observation that Little Orphan Annie sang and danced just as well at Miss Hannigan’s orphanage as she did at Daddy Warbucks’ mansion.

This research is being viewed with such skepticism that Duke University is putting the whole department up for adoption.

“Going Green”

The United States, China, India, and South Africa reached an agreement at the United Nations Climate Change Conference on Friday. They pledged to combat global warming by burning billions of dollars.

“Down Under Downloading”

The Australian government is set to introduce nationwide, mandatory Internet filtering to block access to certain types of content depicting violent or sexual crimes. The biggest shock so far is that Australia has a government.

The filter would impact all of Australia’s 21 million Internet users. That’s 11 million if you discount kangaroos and crocodiles.

The filter technology won’t actually get rid of porn in Australia, but it will alter the image so that every person’s body will appear to have the head of Paul Hogan.

Thankfully, the filter will not give all audio an Australian accent.

“Plane as Day”

Boeing’s 787 Dreamliner made its first test flight from Washington state today. Despite two years of delays, it was still the closest to “on-time” scheduled passenger flight since 9/11.

“Cell Block”

Charles Barkley said that Tiger Woods changed the number of his cellular telephone the day after his now infamous car accident, and that tiger has not been in contact with many of his celebrity/athlete friends. In a related story, Tiger has been busy, having sex with a dozen mistresses.

Sir Charles, maybe he’s just not that into you.

Rumor has it, before his scandal broke, Tiger had been looking for stronger signal strength. Not from his cell phone, from women who wanted to get busy with him.

Tiger will now be a sprint man. Not the wireless carrier Sprint; he’ll be running for his life if his wife if she catches him cheating again.

“Jacksons’ Action”

The Jacksons: A Family Dynasty debuts this Sunday, featuring Jackie, Tito, Jermaine, and Marlon Jackson. The A & E Network had decided to pick up the series based on the success of Hoarders, their other reality show about people who can’t let go and just hang on to things forever, no matter how old and useless they’ve become.

The show is expected to be a warm, fuzzy family chronicle, until father Joe Jackson starts hanging out with Jon Goselin and douches it all up.

Some have accused the brothers of doing the show as a way to exploit their former fame to make money. In their defense, however, the needed the money to buy tickets to see Michael’s movie, This Is It.

“Carolina Governor’s Marriage Goes South”

South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford’s wife Jenny has filed for divorce, following the governor’s summer scandal over an affair with an Argentinean woman. Upon hearing the news, Tiger Woods prepared to make his move on her.

“Mouse House Arrest”

Patrick Disney Miller, a grandson of Walt Disney, was arrested at his home on Thursday for illegal gun possession and for selling ammunition. Disney Miller described jail as “The Unhappiest Place on Earth.”

The Disney progeny did not resist arrest, but was described by police as extremely animated.

Rather than get an attorney to help with his defense, Miller plans to wish upon a star.

“Forgetting a Bad Memory”

NYU Scientists seeking treatment options for post traumatic stress say that they have discovered a way to change the response to fearful memories. It’s called alcohol.

What was promising is that the subjects of the study were able to change a negative memory response to a specific event. Less promising: because the subjects were from New York, they could remember an event any way you want for 50 bucks.

“Peace of the Action”

In his speech in Oslo, Norway Thursday, President Barack Obama defended the 2 current U.S. wars as he accepting the Nobel Peace Prize. He was also then awarded the Nobel Prize for Irony.

As a Nobel laureate, Obama joins the ranks of Martin Luther King, Jr., the Dalai Lama, Nelson Mandela, Mother Teresa, and some white people.

“WHO Knows”

The World Health Organization says that smoking kills 5 million people every year. The tobacco industry’s reply is that millions of customers are not only satisfied; they are completely at peace.

Big Tobacco has proposed a new strategy to market only to people without jobs. If they can kill only those people, they will wipe out unemployment in 4 years.

“Is It In You?”

Gatorade announced Tuesday that they were dropping their Tiger Woods-themed line of sports drinks. This is a real setback for Tiger, not just financially, but physically, since now we know how much he has been losing fluids.

Tiger was hoping to get a new line of products with Gatorade, such as the delicious Car crash Splash and the refreshing Fire Hydrant Slam.

Based on the state of his marriage: Sour Relationship Lemon, Blue Icy Stare, and with half the calories, 50% Property Division Blast.

And based on his extra-curricular relationships: Unbridled Passion Fruit, Illicit citrus Twist, Many Mistress Mango, and of course, Penis Colada.

“Cosmetic Justice” or “Making Up Evidence”

A neo-Nazi on trial for murder in Florida is having court-ordered makeup applied to his face each day to cover a large swastika and other offensive tattoos, so as not to prejudice the jury. Said one legal analyst, “If the mascara doesn’t make his eyes pop, the electric chair will.”

As the jury decides whether or not to convict him of hate crimes, they will also ponder, “Maybe he was born with it. Maybe it’s Maybeline.”

“Caged In”

Nicolas Cage’s ex-girlfriend is suing the movie star for millions of dollars for failing to provide her with money and a house. People who saw Cage’s films Knowing, Next, and National Treasure: Book of Secrets are also suing him for failing to provide entertainment.

“Sex Crimes”

The country of Uganda is considering a measure to outlaw homosexuality with harsh punishments, including prison sentences for those “aiding and abetting” gays as accessories to their “crimes.” The bill is promoting outrage, as everyone knows that gays need their accessories.

“Partying Down”

The National Highway Traffic safety commission says drunk driving fatalities dropped 7% in just one year. That’s because working people can’t afford booze and the unemployed got their cars repossessed.

The bad economy provides another bonus. After people get drunk they don’t have to drive home when they get to their car, because they are living in their car.

“Epic Episcopal Vote”

The Episcopal Diocese of Los Angeles has elected its second openly gay bishop, a lesbian reverend. Episcopalians opposing gay bishops have been assured that their numbers will not grow out of proportion. Especially since the gay male and female bishops refuse to mate.

In a chess game between supporters and detractors over this issue, church leaders have been unsure which way to go, leaving all the bishops only moving diagonally.

“Space Case”

The first commercial spaceship in history was unveiled Monday by Virgin Galactic. Owner Sir Richard Branson had chosen the company’s name to honor all science geeks who ever tried to build their own spaceship.

Potential passengers will be of two varieties: the super-rich who will enjoy the prestige, novelty and adventure of a pleasure ride into space, and the desperately poor who can’t find a job here on Earth.

Rival companies are working on top-secret technology to compete in the space travel business. Branson, however, is sure that by the time any of them are successful, he’ll have completed building the Death Star in orbit to shoot them down.

“Santa’s Slay”

A suburban mall near Atlanta was evacuated Wednesday after a man who showed up dressed in elf costume told the mall’s Santa that he was carrying dynamite. The man was arrested for making terrorist threats, meaning he will be on a Homeland Security Watchlist, which Santa will check twice.

Police had to take the threat of explosives seriously, because, even though the dynamite wasn’t real, neither is Santa Claus.

A bomb squad official pointed out that if the dynamite had been real, there would have been serious danger even if the elf hadn’t detonated it, because at any time, Rudolph could have shown up with his nose lit and blown everything sky-high.

The suspect will undergo psychiatric evaluation. Experts say that it is most likely that the poor elf just wanted to be a dentist.

The evacuation of the mall went without further incident. Once shoppers left, not a creature was stirring; not even a mouse.

After the incident, Santa’s cheeks were rosy red, mainly because he’d crapped himself.

“Boyle Blows Up”

Singer Susan Boyle’s first album, I Dreamed a Dream, debuted at number 1 on the U.S. album charts, also becoming the top first-week seller of 2009. Experts attribute her success to fans confusing her with the title character in Shrek, The Musical.

Until Boyle’s album release, this year’s leader had been Eminem, for his album Relapse. This means that Susan Boyle will now have to be a part of a stunt where Sasha Baron Cohen’s butt lands on her face.

Her popularity here in the U.S. means she is already sitting pretty to record another album. Well, she’s sitting, anyway.

Boyle also broke the record for a female artist album debut, previously held by Ashanti for her self-titled 2002 release. This means Susan Boyle is, by every account, the biggest woman in music today.

“Homily Heckling”

A comedy club in a Texas strip mall and their next door neighbor, a church, are having a dispute over noise from the church’s night-time services. What bothers the comics most is that the services are often funnier than the comics.

To make everyone happy, as a compromise, the club’s comedians will start speaking in tongues and the church will institute a two-drink minimum.

“Wrapped in Cable”

Cable giant Comcast is taking control of NBC Universal, making them the largest entertainment company in America. Comcast’s first goal is to gradually turn NBC into a television network.

Forging a deal with General Electric took time and careful negotiation. Their joint venture gives Comcast 51% control of NBC, Bravo, CNBC. MSNBC, Oxygen, Telemundo, and USA Network, but also leaves them stuck with The Jay Leno Show.

“Start Spreading the News”

New York State’s legislature rejected a bill to allow gay marriage in the state on Wednesday. The bill died in the state Senate, with 24 “yea” votes and 38 “Eh, fugget-about-it” votes.

New York is generally considered welcoming to gays, especially New York City, which even named one of its boroughs Queens.

Apparently, when state lawmakers had said before the vote that they support gay causes, they just meant Broadway.

Over the last several years, it seemed as though New York’s citizens had given more support to gays, and lesbians in particular, as evidenced when they elected Hillary Clinton to the Senate.

“Money in the Bank”

Bank of America says it will pay back the $5 billion it received in federal bailout money amid controversy of its use of assets, including million-dollar-plus cash “awards’ for executives. B of A will then charge every U.S. taxpayer a massive fee for handling their money for them.

Since the government was supposed to take back the money on a later timeline, B of A now plans to charge them a substantial penalty for early withdrawal.

The bank says it will repay all the money and receive no benefit from it… other than the normal advantages of being able to borrow $45 billion, interest-free.

Bank of America were able to use taxpayer dollars to lavish huge salaries and bonuses on their executives, thanks to the same technology they use to roll their bank vault doors open and closed: balls of steel.

“Star’s Out”

Astronomers in Germany this week published reports of observing a supernova of a massive star with the mass of 200 of our suns; an event on a scale never before seen. The star blew up with so much force and velocity, to be so widely seen, it will be named ‘Taylor Swift.’

“Dinner Roll”

The House Homeland Security Committee and the Secret Service are investigating to learn how a couple without an invitation slipped in to a state dinner last week. So far, the investigation has only revealed the couple’s identity: Vince Vaughn and Owen Wilson.

Despite the couple’s brashness, Joe Biden insists that he personally stuck to the “plus one” rule.

The couple’s motive for crashing the dinner remains unclear, though in this economy, the obvious motive would be free food.

“Tiger Attack”

Golfer Tiger Woods crashed his car into a fire hydrant and then a tree near his house late Friday night. Woods claims it happened because he didn’t have a caddy to help him get a better driver.

Tabloids have made o much of the incident, especially since he hit a hydrant, and then kept going until he hit a tree. It did seem odd that Tiger would lead with an iron and then go to the wood.

Among the tabloid rumors is a story that Tiger fled his home after being assaulted by his wife over an alleged affair. The only way to substantiate these rumors, however, would be if Tiger were married to Chris Brown.

“Primate Crime”

In a coastal town in South Africa, tourists have routinely been having their cars broken into by baboons seeking food. The problem has recently grown worse, as some baboons have become more aggressive, joined gangs, or resorted to prostitution.

Experts say that baboons in the wild will generally work for food by hunting, scavenging, or holding up a newborn Lion King.

The baboons have learned to open car doors and jump through windows, and are now working on learning to talk and enslaving man under Ape Law.

NEW BABY!

I hope everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving holiday. My family did, I'm proud to say, as we welcomed a new baby girl, Ariella Rivka on November 20th.

“Plane Language”

An FAA software failure Thursday morning caused dozens of flight delays across the country. Passengers who faced flight cancellations and long waits got some relief from the distraction of huge stupid fees for checking their luggage.

The glitch meant that air traffic controllers had to enter information manually. Making matters worse, if they wanted to talk to controllers at other airports, they had to pay $5 to rent the headphones.

“Big Money On Campus”

University of California students gathered on campuses Thursday to protest the approval of a 32% hike in student fees. Students are angry at the university; some about the money, but most because they can’t figure out the math.

“Lit Kerry Scene”

Senator John Kerry’s daughter Alexandra Kerry was arrested for alleged drunk driving late Wednesday night in Hollywood. LAPD could tell it was Kerry’s daughter by her driving: she had a substantial lead on them, but blew it by veering too far to the left.

Miss Kerry was released on bail early Thursday morning. When she left the police station she looked remorseful, at least judging by her long, long face.

“Oprah’s Swan Song”

On Friday, TV icon Oprah Winfrey will announce plans to end her eponymous talk show in 2011. This means one thing: the Mayans prediction of the end of the world in 2012 was only off by 1 year.

While many fans around the globe are disappointed, there is always the possibility that Oprah will celebrate the event by giving everyone in the world a new car.

It is unknown whether her last show will be a star-studded extravaganza or a quiet retrospective to end with Oprah eating her entire studio audience.

Once Oprah ends her show, it isn’t yet clear whether she will launch a rumored Oprah cable network or finally succumb to kryptonite.

Oprah’s loyal viewers will miss her weekday program, but will patiently wait for her Second Coming.

“Day of the Depp”

Johnny Depp ranked at the top of the list to be named People magazine’s “Sexiest Man Alive” for the second time Wednesday. Ranking at the bottom: Susan Boyle.

It’s the second time Depp has won the annual title, joining George Clooney, Brad Pitt and Richard Gere. But to be fair, Jude Law could also be called a two-timer.

Depp is 46 but is able to keeps younger looking skin by having Tim Burton cover his face in white greasepaint 6 months out of every year.

“Senior Senator”

This week, Sen. Robert Byrd of West Virginia became the longest serving member of Congress in history, with almost 57 years at the Capitol. In all that time, he has helped to pass almost 3 pieces of useful legislation.

Sen. Byrd’s age may be starting to show, as evidenced by his recent proposal for a soft food bill and his filibuster of the price of Ex-Lax while in the checkout line at a Walgreens.

“Stripped of their Rights”

California’s Department of Parks and Recreation is forcing San Onofre State Beach goers to cover up, in a departure from a long-standing but unofficial acceptance of nude sunbathing. Park rangers are on the lookout for naked butts in what we’re calling “Operation Crackdown.”

In the past, locals had no complaints about the clothing optional beach, except for the universal rule, “No fat chicks.”

The park superintendent and his staff have been trying to prevent beachgoers from stripping down. However, a group of middle aged men has been conspicuously defying the ban, and that’s when things got really hairy.

The Naturists Action Committee, a nudist group, says that all of their members are willing to stand up for their rights.

Furthermore, they claim to be ready to make a statement of defiance by shedding their clothes at the beach in large numbers. But, as the winter weather comes, they are likely to experience serious shrinkage.

“Residence Hurl”

A new study says that college students who live in coed dorms are far more likely to drink to excess regularly than students in single sex dorms. The coed dorm students also complain that their classes sometimes interfere with their drinking schedule.

The link between binge drinking and campus housing is limited, but only because the real drinking gets going at the frat houses.

“Health Issues Unwrapped”

Imaging tests on Egyptian mummies showed that hart disease was as common 3500 years ago as it is today. Life expectancy was significantly shorter—averaging less than 50 years, leading anthropologists to think ancient Egypt only had HMO’s.

Still, this ancient society may have been healthier overall than we are today. Maybe that’s why you never see a fat mummy.

Learning about heart disease from mummies may not provide a cure, but it might wrap some bandages around it.

The researchers had hoped to learn more, but Brendan Fraser busted in and blasted all the mummies with a shotgun.

“Christmas Corral”

This holiday season, Santas at malls and other photo op locations are asking to be designated as a priority group for flu vaccine due to their high exposure with children. As everyone knows, the highest H1N1mortality risks are infants, the elderly, and elves.

Both The Amalgamated Order of Real Bearded Santas and a group called Santa America take the risk very seriously. When it comes to illness, they are NOT playing reindeer games.

Of course, if Santa was serious about his health, he’d give up smoking that pipe and lose some weight.

“Lost Remote”

Comedian Ken Ober, best known as the host of MTV’s game show Remote Control in the late 1980’s, died at the age of 52. In tribute to him, MTV will actually play a music video.

“Chinese Secret”

President Obama’s speech from Shanghai about censorship was not seen by most of China, due to their government’s last minute scrapping of a planned live broadcast. But a heavily edited version will be preserved in China’s Temple of Irony.

“Turtle Whacks”

Scientists say that Costa Rica’s leatherback sea turtles are being threatened with extinction. Sadly, the ones who survive destruction of their environment often wind up as leather slaves.

Laws have been put in place to stop the poaching of turtles and their eggs, but it just sounds more appetizing when people find out they can get poached eggs.

“Wrapped up in a Bow”

The president has come under heavy fire from critics over bowing to Japan’s Emperor Akihito last weekend. The White House says he wasn’t bowing, he was just trying to duck some of that constant heavy fire.

Photos and video show the president’s body at almost a 90 degree angle. The White house says he wasn’t bowing, he just needed to bend that far to look Akihito in the face.

Conservatives bashed the president for “groveling to a foreign leader.” Obama, who has proven himself photo-op savvy, was actually just making sure his fly was zipped.

“Down in the Mumps”

Doctors are reporting an increase in cases of the mumps here in the U.S. They explain that since most people’s income levels have regressed to the 1970’s, diseases have simply followed suit.

“Lunar Tide” or “Splashdown”

NASA said Friday that last month’s experiment smashing 2 probes into the moon’s surface has resulted in proof of significant amounts of water in the moon’s craters. As a result, areas right around the craters skyrocketed in price as beach-front real estate.

Though once thought dry, scientists began to suspect that the moon might have water when they observed the “no fishing” signs.

Water on the surface of the moon means new rules for astronauts. They cannot go onto the moon’s surface for an hour after they eat.

“Get a Wing Man”

A drop in chicken production has resulted in a shortage of chicken wings. This tragic situation means that televised football will be proportionally less enjoyable.

Customers in restaurant who order wings may find smaller portions, forcing them to eat the celery.

Most sympathetic to the problem are chicken retailers, whose own sales are suffering. Least sympathetic: chickens with no arms.

“Smoke Up”

The CDCP reports that smoking has risen in the U.S. for the first time in 15 years. To lower the rate, the government will try to get the cast of Mad Men to finish filming their scenes in fewer takes.

A national survey says just over 1% more American adults are smoking, compared to a year earlier. By coincidence, that’s the same percentage of nerds who suddenly seemed a lot cooler.

“Busted Balloon”

Richard and Mayumi Heene, the “balloon boy” parents, accepted a plea bargain to avaid Mrs. Heenes’ deportation to Japan, and will serve probation for their helium balloon hoax. Japan would have been rough because they lack the funds to pretend their kid was kidnapped by a 300-ft. prehistoric monster.

“Intro to Economics”

A North Carolina middle school planned a fundraiser offering students 20 points to apply to test grades for a $20 donation. The plan has been cancelled by administrators, though it might have been a good testing program, since any student paying the 20 bucks is obviously stupid.

The board of education was shocked, saying that students should only be allowed to buy grades with their sports skills.

A new fundraiser will take its place, where the school will simply pimp out the students for sex.

“Pageant Interview”

Former Miss California Carrie Prejean stopped her TV interview on Larry King Live last night, when Larry asked questions about her settlement with the Miss USA Pageant. In fairness to Carrie, no one goes on Larry King expected to answer actual questions.

Prejean called King “inappropriate.” This apparently caught Larry off guard, mainly because, at his age, he can’t even remember what he just said.

When Prejean removed her earpiece and microphone while still on camera, Larry didn’t seem all that upset. But that’s because he assumed he must have just won the beauty pageant.

“Chasing Crawford”

Cindy Crawford and her husband were reported to have been the intended victims of an extortion plot using a photo of their 7 year old daughter. Police caught the man behind it by infiltrating his scheme using a mole.

“Trash Talk” or “Struck Gold”

In New Jersey, sanitation workers found a reported lost wedding ring under 10 tons of trash after it had been accidentally discarded. In New Jersey, it’s easy to find a wedding ring buried in a landfill. Just look for the dead mob informant whose finger it’s on.

“Worth the Weight”

A Miami baby born at only 4 months gestation and weighing only 1 lb., 1 oz. is now thriving at 8 months old and weighing 12 lbs. As if to prove how normal her life has become, the women’s fashion industry is already telling her that she has gotten fat.

“Uniform Support”

Today is Veterans’ Day, so don’t forget to show your appreciation for all the men and women of our Armed Forces. That is, if Obama ever really lets them come back from Afghanistan and Iraq.

“Black Tuesday”

A mysterious blackout affected 70 million people in the nation of Brazil Tuesday night, leaving Rio de Janeiro and half the country without electricity for 4 hours. Looking to pull out the root cause, Brazilian officials are leaving no area un-waxed.

“Looking towards the Heavens”

The Vatican has begun working with scientists to explore the possibility of intelligent, extra-terrestrial life. When asked why, Pope Benedict XVI said, “Well, I’m bored, and we haven’t had any Crusades in a long time.”

If there is alien life out there on other planets, the question for the Church then becomes, are they Catholic?

Some may be. Obviously, for example, Han Solo’s last name is Italian.

“Eagle Wants to Fly?”

Michael Vick is reportedly unhappy to be playing for the Philadelphia Eagles since his return to the NFL and may want to try to go to another team. Some say, however, that he should just let sleeping dogs lie.

“Gifted Program”

A survey revealed this week that companies plan to cut back on holiday gifts for employees this year. Finally, some bad news that has no effect on the 10% of the country that are unemployed.

Most companies say they are cutting back due to the slow sales year. So while the country tries to fight 2 wars and manage healthcare, some executive will be whining about getting a Whitman’s Chocolate Sampler instead of an iPod.

In a related story, a guy with no job will be willing to take that Whitman’s Sampler and ration it out to his family as a breakfast, lunch, and then dinner.

“6-Inch Sub Stop”

In Boston, a subway train made a dramatic emergency stop inches in front of a drunk woman who fell on the tracks. The incident was caught on video and quickly went viral online. As a result, balloon-hoax dad Richard Heene is now trying to adopt her.

“Give it a Rest”

Citing financial woes, many states’ departments of transportation are shutting down highway rest areas. This could create a real hardship for both business travelers and parents looking to have anonymous sex with truck-drivers.

State run rest stops had always been there for travelers who determined that fast food restaurants’ and gas stations’ bathrooms were just too clean for them.

“Wrath of Conn.”

Connecticut governor M. Jodi Rell announced this week that she will not run for re-election in 2010. As a Republican, she chose to announce it now instead of having the obligatory sleazy affair with a prostitute or a South American woman.

In the meantime, she plans to continue working for her state and finish out her term. Or as the Republican Party now calls that, “going rogue.”

Rell doesn’t want to go through the grueling process of campaigning and debating again; not when its easier nowadays to be next in line after a sitting governor resigns in disgrace.

…Or as that is now becoming known, “the democratic process.”

Of course, the liberal media will immediately get to work trying to bully her out of office sooner.

FOX News is taking Gov. Rell’s announcement as a sign that she is a shoo-in to run for president in 2012.

…Or sooner.

“Bear it All”

China has sent an expert to Taiwan to assist in panda breeding. Despite our own national interest in pandas, the U.S. sent no one, since our culture frowns of human sex with animals.

The expert will help Taiwanese zookeepers prepare the pandas for the February mating season. This means that they only a few months to search the jungle for some wine, jazz, and scented candles.

To help even more, China has an innovative back-up plan: Operation Panda Porn.

“Up-Grade Dressed Down” or “Class War”

A man with a first-class upgrade on United Airlines was denied his seat in that section because he was wearing a track suit. Apparently, United felt it would be better if the man tried on a lawsuit.

The passenger says he was embarrassed to be denied his upgraded seat, but the point is moot because nothing about commercial air travel is first-class anymore.

To make it up to him, next time he flies, United has agreed to charge him triple the price for sitting in coach.

“Pilots Excuse: Miles Off Course”

The two pilots who lost their licenses after they overshot Minneapolis by 150 miles are both appealing their case with the NTSB, or National Transportation Safety Board. It’s expected that when they show up for their hearing, they’ll miss the NTSB building by 150 miles.

The pilots’ defense has been that they were distracted by working on their laptop computers, which is like saying you’re innocent because you were doing exactly what you are accused of.

Many suspect that both pilots fell asleep, creating a serious danger to everyone aboard. Equally serious is their apparently poor judgment, as evidences by the lame, bogus laptop excuse.

It’s more likely that one pilot was on top the other’s lap.

Now, I’m not saying that these guys are liars, but their clear lack of respect for the place where they work make the word ‘cockpit’ sound dirty.

On the bright side, the plane’s autopilot is being hailed as a hero for keeping everyone on board alive.

The FAA asked that they file their appeal electronically, because they don’t even want to give these guys the tools to fly paper airplanes.

“On Top of Spaghetti…”

A New Hampshire restaurant set a world record Sunday for making the world’s biggest meatball, which weighed in at 222.5 lbs. Or, as Oprah Winfrey calls it, an appetizer.

Nonni’s Italian Eatery in Concord even had their giant meatball’s weight authenticated by state officials. Then, tragedy struck as the lovable dog Tramp sprained his nose trying to push it over to his girlfriend Lady’s side of the plate.

“Gilded Cage”

It was reported this week that Nicolas Cage, who has recently waged a public battle with financial problems and tax liens, may have eccentric spending to blame. Cage has bought and paid for 2 islands, a castle, 50 cars, a jet, a yacht, a pair of King Cobras, and a dinosaur skull… but surprisingly, not acting lessons.

Cage has also been a generous philanthropist, giving millions of dollars to charities, such as the Red Cross. Cage sympathizes with disaster victims, and can relate because of the movie roles he’s chosen.

“Mayoral Race”

In London, Mayor Boris Johnson answered a woman’s call for help as she was about to be attacked by a gang of teen girls, rescuing her before any could do her harm with an iron bar. As an Englishman, all he had to do scare them off was show his teeth.

American politicians have also sent young women running, but we call that sexual harassment.

The mayor, an avid cyclist, was on an evening bike ride at the time, and the incident has given him enough of a boost of confidence that he finally feels ready to take off his training wheels.

“In the Host Seat”

Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin have been named co-hosts of the 2010 Academy Awards. Producers want the annual gala to be fun and entertaining for everyone, so Martin will not be allowed to play the banjo, and Baldwin will not be allowed to talk to his daughter.

Alec Baldwin’s brothers, actors Stephen and Billy, said that they can’t wait to see their brother host the awards, since those two would have absolutely no other reason to be there.

“Caged Bird” or “Grand Theft, Ottowa”

On Wednesday, a man who stole a plane in Canada and flew it to Missouri was sentenced to 2 years in federal prison. Some say that’s harsh. Usually, entering the U.S. illegally gets you free school and healthcare.

The man claims to have been depressed at the time of the incident, but the judge was suspicious. Since when is Missouri a cure for depression?

“Cell Block”

Verizon Wireless is doubling its early termination fee to $350. The company claims that the move is really a form of customer service, because it saves people the trouble of asking their customers why they don’t have an iPhone yet.

Verizon claims that their smart-phones are equal to AT&T’s iPhone apps. For instance, they will be coming out with a function that combines a calculator with your wireless bill. The app is called, “How Much Are We Screwing You?”

“Buffett Right on Track”

Billionaire investor Warren Buffet has acquired Burlington Northern Sante Fe, the nation’s second largest railroad. Some say this shows Buffett’s confidence in the economy, but really, he just knows people are going to need box cars to live in.

Buffett, showing his real prediction of where this country is headed, is setting his railway up with a bullet train to hell.

Some critics say railroads are too old-fashioned to be a dynamic money-maker, but Buffett knows that trains are going to get a lot more popular when the rest of the airlines go belly-up.

When was the last time a train overshot Minneapolis by 150 miles?

“Justice Is Blind, but Not Colorblind”

The Louisiana justice of the peace who refused to marry an interracial couple a couple weeks ago resigned Tuesday. Despite stepping down from his post, Justice Bardwell promises to still be an outspoken racist.

The justice will spend his retirement playing chess. Not trying to win; just trying to keep the black and white pieces on their own side of the board.

The justice claims not to be a racist, but says he thinks children of interracial marriages suffer. As an example, he pointed to the way FOX News treats President Obama.

“Gay Issues in the Maine-Stream”

In Maine, voters will decide today on a referendum to approve or repeal a law allowing gay marriage. Voting against the bill: gay married people.

Gay marriage got a lot of support in Maine, partly because it’s so cold there, you hold onto any warm body you can grab just for warmth.

A lot of lesbians flock to Maine, just for the overalls.

Gay marriage advocates say that now is the perfect time for this vote in Maine, because the rainbow colors of the foliage makes the state itself look really gay.