Rod Blagojevich was removed as governor today following the Illinois senate vote ending his impeachment trial. Blagojevich claimed that he has “done absolutely nothing wrong.” Sure, he put Barack Obama’s Senate seat up for sale, but hey, nobody bought it.
He had made an impassioned speech, where he said he was “clamoring and begging and pleading” to challenge the charges against him. In fact, he was just as impassioned as when he was clamoring and begging and pleading to get a bribe.
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Name Blame
A new study from Social Science Quarterly says that boys with uncommon names are more likely to commit a crime than boys with popular names. I guess that explains what went wrong with Adolph and Benito.
Skeptics argue that if people with unusual names were more likely break the law, prisons wouldn’t need to identify people by number.
The findings suggest that males may act out if shunned by their peers for being different, or if they don’t like their name because it’s unusual. Better keep an eye on that young fellow Barack.
This is also why you hear things like, “Johnny, Mikey, Timmy, guess what? Today we’re going to jail to visit your cousins Hercules, Leopold, and Tutenkhamen.”
No wonder those Teenage Mutant Turtles became violent Ninjas.
Skeptics argue that if people with unusual names were more likely break the law, prisons wouldn’t need to identify people by number.
The findings suggest that males may act out if shunned by their peers for being different, or if they don’t like their name because it’s unusual. Better keep an eye on that young fellow Barack.
This is also why you hear things like, “Johnny, Mikey, Timmy, guess what? Today we’re going to jail to visit your cousins Hercules, Leopold, and Tutenkhamen.”
No wonder those Teenage Mutant Turtles became violent Ninjas.
Long Rodent to Recovery
In Spain, a new study found that stem cells can reverse paralysis in rats. The finding are very encouraging to the science and medical communities, but are being seen as a blow to opponents of stem cell research and people who hate rats.
Based on the data so far, doctors feel that there may soon be a therapy for people who have suffered a spinal cord injury and also have a tail.
They would have used mice, but as cute as they were, at the start of the research, no one had the heart to break their backs.
Based on the data so far, doctors feel that there may soon be a therapy for people who have suffered a spinal cord injury and also have a tail.
They would have used mice, but as cute as they were, at the start of the research, no one had the heart to break their backs.
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
“Post Knows Bills”
Due to budget deficit concerns, the U.S. Postmaster requested of Congress today that mail delivery be cut to five days a week. The downside is that every disgruntled postal employee’s pay cut is going to require twice as much spending on Homeland Security.
The U.S. Postal Service lost $2 billion last year due to the massive mail volume drop from digital correspondence and online bill paying. Maybe they should try a more hip marketing strategy than encouraging stamp collecting.
The U.S. Postal Service lost $2 billion last year due to the massive mail volume drop from digital correspondence and online bill paying. Maybe they should try a more hip marketing strategy than encouraging stamp collecting.
Action (Against) Jackson
Michael Jackson is being sued by director John Landis, over royalties from their collaborative music video, Thriller. Landis co-wrote the groundbreaking 80’s video, in which Jackson transformed into a freakish, skeletal creature that sang and danced, but caused teens to scream in terror. Jackson is counter-suing Landis for dooming him by predicting that future.
Only days ago, a producer bought the rights to a stage adaptation of Thriller, to bring it to New York City’s Great White Way. After all, the idea of desperate creatures sucking the life out of a cast of dancers will surely appeal to Broadway critics.
Only days ago, a producer bought the rights to a stage adaptation of Thriller, to bring it to New York City’s Great White Way. After all, the idea of desperate creatures sucking the life out of a cast of dancers will surely appeal to Broadway critics.
Cutting Down on Caffeine
Coffee giant Starbucks announced another 300 store closures in addition to the 600 already planned for this year. In their own terms, the company is scaling back from ‘Venti’ to ‘Grande.’
The news predictably caused company stock value to fall, with shares dropping to $9.16, or, again, in Starbucks’ terms, the price of a small coffee.
If there is a Starbucks near you that is closing, you can always just go to the one right next door.
The news predictably caused company stock value to fall, with shares dropping to $9.16, or, again, in Starbucks’ terms, the price of a small coffee.
If there is a Starbucks near you that is closing, you can always just go to the one right next door.
Monday, January 26, 2009
For the Birds
The FAA is getting ready to test a new radar system designed to track the flight of flocks of birds. In light of the Hudson River plane landing caused by birds earlier this month, fresh technologies may be a sign of this new presidential era. Bush just wanted to arrest the birds as terrorists.
Anyone using radar to clock speeds of Cardinals or Orioles, however, must first legally obtain permission from Major League Baseball.
Bird detection could be good news to air traffic managers, pilots in flight, and especially, motorists who just washed their cars.
Anyone using radar to clock speeds of Cardinals or Orioles, however, must first legally obtain permission from Major League Baseball.
Bird detection could be good news to air traffic managers, pilots in flight, and especially, motorists who just washed their cars.
Raising a Racket
Over the weekend at the Australian Open tennis tournament, Serena and Venus Williams’ doubles match was interrupted when a male streaker ran onto the court. No one stopped him because they just thought he was the ball boy.
The man was naked from the waist down, ensuring that the Melbourne tourists will never forget what they saw ‘Down Under.’
It was the day’s most unexpected match/set.
It was unknown if the naked man had sexual intentions. One theory suggests he misinterpreted the tennis scoring expression “love all.”
The man was naked from the waist down, ensuring that the Melbourne tourists will never forget what they saw ‘Down Under.’
It was the day’s most unexpected match/set.
It was unknown if the naked man had sexual intentions. One theory suggests he misinterpreted the tennis scoring expression “love all.”
Ritalin Me This
The FDA has determined that drugs used to treat Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder can have some serious side effects in rare cases. The bad news is, some ADHD patients experienced hallucinations. The good news is the patients paid no attention to them.
Booked on Charges
A woman in Iowa was arrested for failing to return a book to the library. Most shocking fact about the arrest: Apparently, people in Iowa can read.
The missing book retails for $13.95 and the woman had to post $250 bail. Crime and Punishment was never so ironic.
The book she borrowed was The Freedom Writer’s Diary. Apparently, she skipped the chapter that explains that freedom is conditional on returning the book.
The library tried to contact her for months before police got involved. Now they are going to throw the book at her.
The missing book retails for $13.95 and the woman had to post $250 bail. Crime and Punishment was never so ironic.
The book she borrowed was The Freedom Writer’s Diary. Apparently, she skipped the chapter that explains that freedom is conditional on returning the book.
The library tried to contact her for months before police got involved. Now they are going to throw the book at her.
Friday, January 23, 2009
“Making an Appointment”
The governor of New York has appointed U.S. Rep. Kristin Gillibrand to take Hillary Clinton’s Senate seat, based on his primary criteria, selecting an individual who universally drew a response of “I’ve never heard of her in my life.”
Upon receiving the news of her appointment, Gillibrand said, “This is truly an honor. Now, who the hell am I?”
Upon receiving the news of her appointment, Gillibrand said, “This is truly an honor. Now, who the hell am I?”
“Cuban Export”
Fidel Castro told Argentina’s press office that he doesn’t expect to be around in another four years. Four years? What’s he worried about? Elections?
Castro has removed himself from decisions made by the Cuban government ever since he started doing things like wandering all the way to Argentina without knowing it.
Castro has removed himself from decisions made by the Cuban government ever since he started doing things like wandering all the way to Argentina without knowing it.
“Digital Clock Winding Down”
The Senate is trying to delay next months universal switch-over to all digital TV signals due to economic considerations. Opponents of the delay point at that if we were already digital, the Senate could just pause and rewind the decision to get rid of analog.
“Money Flushed Down the Toilet”
A New York landlord was forced to pay a $10,000 fine for removing the toilet from an apartment to try to force a tenant out. Meanwhile the tenant was forced to try to hold everything in.
The residents of the apartment building were plunged into despair.
The woman living in the apartment did not vacate the premises. With no toilet, she said she had no other place to go.
The residents of the apartment building were plunged into despair.
The woman living in the apartment did not vacate the premises. With no toilet, she said she had no other place to go.
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Dick on Wheels
Dick Cheney attended the inauguration ceremony pushed in a wheelchair. In an ironic twist, after pushing the country around for 8 years, he’s finally being pushed around.
Reports stated that Cheney had injured his back lifting heavy boxes, prompting the need for the wheelchair. Those more familiar with his career, however, are convinced that his body is weakening only as his mind control abilities grow more powerful…
Rumors abound that the box-lifting story is a cover for Cheney’s true state of health, but rest assured, Cheney will be alive and well until Dorothy Gayle throws a bucket of water on him causing him to melt.
Reports stated that Cheney had injured his back lifting heavy boxes, prompting the need for the wheelchair. Those more familiar with his career, however, are convinced that his body is weakening only as his mind control abilities grow more powerful…
Rumors abound that the box-lifting story is a cover for Cheney’s true state of health, but rest assured, Cheney will be alive and well until Dorothy Gayle throws a bucket of water on him causing him to melt.
Inaugural Change-of-Address
Today’s top news story is from Washington D.C.: heavy tourist traffic and the road closure of Pennsylvania Avenue has led to back-ups and delays in the surrounding area.
Today marked the historic inauguration of Barack Obama as the 44th President of the United States. So it’s finally official. America is cool again.
Obama took his oath of office on the same bible used by Abraham Lincoln. Barack’s staff had to dust it off for its use. With the end of the Bush administration, this makes good practice for also now dusting off the Constitution.
Lincoln’s place in history is assured by the Emancipation Proclamation, his Gettysburg Address, and his leadership during the Civil War, despite being known by students today either for his beard, or as “the penny dude.”
Estimates say nearly 2 million spectators gathered on the mall and along the parade route in Washington D.C. They represented both the large cross section of Obama’s supporters and the huge number of Americans without a job to go to.
In keeping with tradition, former President Bush left a note on the desk in the Oval office for his successor. This was just the first one scribbled in crayon.
The Bushes bid a friendly goodbye to the Obamas after the swearing in, with no apparent hard feelings. That’s because the Obamas don’t yet know that in the White House, George and Laura left a sink full of dishes.
The media noted that Bush was known to go to bed very early, while Obama is known to work late into the night. Bill Clinton, on the other hand, was always known wait until Hillary went to sleep to really get busy.
Today marked the historic inauguration of Barack Obama as the 44th President of the United States. So it’s finally official. America is cool again.
Obama took his oath of office on the same bible used by Abraham Lincoln. Barack’s staff had to dust it off for its use. With the end of the Bush administration, this makes good practice for also now dusting off the Constitution.
Lincoln’s place in history is assured by the Emancipation Proclamation, his Gettysburg Address, and his leadership during the Civil War, despite being known by students today either for his beard, or as “the penny dude.”
Estimates say nearly 2 million spectators gathered on the mall and along the parade route in Washington D.C. They represented both the large cross section of Obama’s supporters and the huge number of Americans without a job to go to.
In keeping with tradition, former President Bush left a note on the desk in the Oval office for his successor. This was just the first one scribbled in crayon.
The Bushes bid a friendly goodbye to the Obamas after the swearing in, with no apparent hard feelings. That’s because the Obamas don’t yet know that in the White House, George and Laura left a sink full of dishes.
The media noted that Bush was known to go to bed very early, while Obama is known to work late into the night. Bill Clinton, on the other hand, was always known wait until Hillary went to sleep to really get busy.
History is made.
Yes, history has been made, as this blog has now surpassed the milestone of over 1,000 jokes posted. Bask in the glow of this memorable moment.
Thursday, January 15, 2009
Tapped Out
Beer sales have fallen off due to the sluggish economy, prompting layoffs at some smaller brewing companies. Of course, logic suggests that the people laid off will be depressed and therefore more likely to drink, pushing sales figures right back up.
Figures for stout and brown ales looked dark, but amber lagers looked pale by comparison.
Some analysts foresaw the trend towards less beer consumption, drawing on data such as a recent drop off in guys hitting on women who are way out of their league.
Figures for stout and brown ales looked dark, but amber lagers looked pale by comparison.
Some analysts foresaw the trend towards less beer consumption, drawing on data such as a recent drop off in guys hitting on women who are way out of their league.
Biggest City
Men’s Fitness Magazine has published a research study that reveals America’s fattest cities. Topping the list, surprisingly, is Miami, FL. The surprise is because we always just thought Miami was big boned.
Though Miami has parks and beach areas galore, too few of the locals are engaged in enough aerobic physical activity. And smuggling cocaine is not a sport.
Though Miami has parks and beach areas galore, too few of the locals are engaged in enough aerobic physical activity. And smuggling cocaine is not a sport.
Il Advised
Dictator Kim Jong Il of North Korea has named his youngest son, Kim Jong Un, to succeed him as the leader of the country. Jong’s two older brothers plan to forever pretend to be happy for their younger sibling so that they won’t, you know, be killed.
The older sons, Kim Jong Nam and Kim Jong Chol might have been considered, but they don’t fit in the jumpsuit.
Besides, Jong Un has always shown a penchant for leadership, intelligence, and the desire to crush and oppress his own people.
Also, according to his father, Kim Jong Un is the most qualified, since he already has the old lady sunglasses and the crazy, coifed hair.
The older sons, Kim Jong Nam and Kim Jong Chol might have been considered, but they don’t fit in the jumpsuit.
Besides, Jong Un has always shown a penchant for leadership, intelligence, and the desire to crush and oppress his own people.
Also, according to his father, Kim Jong Un is the most qualified, since he already has the old lady sunglasses and the crazy, coifed hair.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
