“Dinner Roll”

The House Homeland Security Committee and the Secret Service are investigating to learn how a couple without an invitation slipped in to a state dinner last week. So far, the investigation has only revealed the couple’s identity: Vince Vaughn and Owen Wilson.

Despite the couple’s brashness, Joe Biden insists that he personally stuck to the “plus one” rule.

The couple’s motive for crashing the dinner remains unclear, though in this economy, the obvious motive would be free food.

“Tiger Attack”

Golfer Tiger Woods crashed his car into a fire hydrant and then a tree near his house late Friday night. Woods claims it happened because he didn’t have a caddy to help him get a better driver.

Tabloids have made o much of the incident, especially since he hit a hydrant, and then kept going until he hit a tree. It did seem odd that Tiger would lead with an iron and then go to the wood.

Among the tabloid rumors is a story that Tiger fled his home after being assaulted by his wife over an alleged affair. The only way to substantiate these rumors, however, would be if Tiger were married to Chris Brown.

“Primate Crime”

In a coastal town in South Africa, tourists have routinely been having their cars broken into by baboons seeking food. The problem has recently grown worse, as some baboons have become more aggressive, joined gangs, or resorted to prostitution.

Experts say that baboons in the wild will generally work for food by hunting, scavenging, or holding up a newborn Lion King.

The baboons have learned to open car doors and jump through windows, and are now working on learning to talk and enslaving man under Ape Law.

NEW BABY!

I hope everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving holiday. My family did, I'm proud to say, as we welcomed a new baby girl, Ariella Rivka on November 20th.

“Plane Language”

An FAA software failure Thursday morning caused dozens of flight delays across the country. Passengers who faced flight cancellations and long waits got some relief from the distraction of huge stupid fees for checking their luggage.

The glitch meant that air traffic controllers had to enter information manually. Making matters worse, if they wanted to talk to controllers at other airports, they had to pay $5 to rent the headphones.

“Big Money On Campus”

University of California students gathered on campuses Thursday to protest the approval of a 32% hike in student fees. Students are angry at the university; some about the money, but most because they can’t figure out the math.

“Lit Kerry Scene”

Senator John Kerry’s daughter Alexandra Kerry was arrested for alleged drunk driving late Wednesday night in Hollywood. LAPD could tell it was Kerry’s daughter by her driving: she had a substantial lead on them, but blew it by veering too far to the left.

Miss Kerry was released on bail early Thursday morning. When she left the police station she looked remorseful, at least judging by her long, long face.

“Oprah’s Swan Song”

On Friday, TV icon Oprah Winfrey will announce plans to end her eponymous talk show in 2011. This means one thing: the Mayans prediction of the end of the world in 2012 was only off by 1 year.

While many fans around the globe are disappointed, there is always the possibility that Oprah will celebrate the event by giving everyone in the world a new car.

It is unknown whether her last show will be a star-studded extravaganza or a quiet retrospective to end with Oprah eating her entire studio audience.

Once Oprah ends her show, it isn’t yet clear whether she will launch a rumored Oprah cable network or finally succumb to kryptonite.

Oprah’s loyal viewers will miss her weekday program, but will patiently wait for her Second Coming.

“Day of the Depp”

Johnny Depp ranked at the top of the list to be named People magazine’s “Sexiest Man Alive” for the second time Wednesday. Ranking at the bottom: Susan Boyle.

It’s the second time Depp has won the annual title, joining George Clooney, Brad Pitt and Richard Gere. But to be fair, Jude Law could also be called a two-timer.

Depp is 46 but is able to keeps younger looking skin by having Tim Burton cover his face in white greasepaint 6 months out of every year.

“Senior Senator”

This week, Sen. Robert Byrd of West Virginia became the longest serving member of Congress in history, with almost 57 years at the Capitol. In all that time, he has helped to pass almost 3 pieces of useful legislation.

Sen. Byrd’s age may be starting to show, as evidenced by his recent proposal for a soft food bill and his filibuster of the price of Ex-Lax while in the checkout line at a Walgreens.

“Stripped of their Rights”

California’s Department of Parks and Recreation is forcing San Onofre State Beach goers to cover up, in a departure from a long-standing but unofficial acceptance of nude sunbathing. Park rangers are on the lookout for naked butts in what we’re calling “Operation Crackdown.”

In the past, locals had no complaints about the clothing optional beach, except for the universal rule, “No fat chicks.”

The park superintendent and his staff have been trying to prevent beachgoers from stripping down. However, a group of middle aged men has been conspicuously defying the ban, and that’s when things got really hairy.

The Naturists Action Committee, a nudist group, says that all of their members are willing to stand up for their rights.

Furthermore, they claim to be ready to make a statement of defiance by shedding their clothes at the beach in large numbers. But, as the winter weather comes, they are likely to experience serious shrinkage.

“Residence Hurl”

A new study says that college students who live in coed dorms are far more likely to drink to excess regularly than students in single sex dorms. The coed dorm students also complain that their classes sometimes interfere with their drinking schedule.

The link between binge drinking and campus housing is limited, but only because the real drinking gets going at the frat houses.

“Health Issues Unwrapped”

Imaging tests on Egyptian mummies showed that hart disease was as common 3500 years ago as it is today. Life expectancy was significantly shorter—averaging less than 50 years, leading anthropologists to think ancient Egypt only had HMO’s.

Still, this ancient society may have been healthier overall than we are today. Maybe that’s why you never see a fat mummy.

Learning about heart disease from mummies may not provide a cure, but it might wrap some bandages around it.

The researchers had hoped to learn more, but Brendan Fraser busted in and blasted all the mummies with a shotgun.

“Christmas Corral”

This holiday season, Santas at malls and other photo op locations are asking to be designated as a priority group for flu vaccine due to their high exposure with children. As everyone knows, the highest H1N1mortality risks are infants, the elderly, and elves.

Both The Amalgamated Order of Real Bearded Santas and a group called Santa America take the risk very seriously. When it comes to illness, they are NOT playing reindeer games.

Of course, if Santa was serious about his health, he’d give up smoking that pipe and lose some weight.

“Lost Remote”

Comedian Ken Ober, best known as the host of MTV’s game show Remote Control in the late 1980’s, died at the age of 52. In tribute to him, MTV will actually play a music video.

“Chinese Secret”

President Obama’s speech from Shanghai about censorship was not seen by most of China, due to their government’s last minute scrapping of a planned live broadcast. But a heavily edited version will be preserved in China’s Temple of Irony.

“Turtle Whacks”

Scientists say that Costa Rica’s leatherback sea turtles are being threatened with extinction. Sadly, the ones who survive destruction of their environment often wind up as leather slaves.

Laws have been put in place to stop the poaching of turtles and their eggs, but it just sounds more appetizing when people find out they can get poached eggs.

“Wrapped up in a Bow”

The president has come under heavy fire from critics over bowing to Japan’s Emperor Akihito last weekend. The White House says he wasn’t bowing, he was just trying to duck some of that constant heavy fire.

Photos and video show the president’s body at almost a 90 degree angle. The White house says he wasn’t bowing, he just needed to bend that far to look Akihito in the face.

Conservatives bashed the president for “groveling to a foreign leader.” Obama, who has proven himself photo-op savvy, was actually just making sure his fly was zipped.

“Down in the Mumps”

Doctors are reporting an increase in cases of the mumps here in the U.S. They explain that since most people’s income levels have regressed to the 1970’s, diseases have simply followed suit.

“Lunar Tide” or “Splashdown”

NASA said Friday that last month’s experiment smashing 2 probes into the moon’s surface has resulted in proof of significant amounts of water in the moon’s craters. As a result, areas right around the craters skyrocketed in price as beach-front real estate.

Though once thought dry, scientists began to suspect that the moon might have water when they observed the “no fishing” signs.

Water on the surface of the moon means new rules for astronauts. They cannot go onto the moon’s surface for an hour after they eat.