“Holy Land”

Disney announced this week that they are opening a theme park in Israel. Instead of just being The Happiest Place of Earth, it’s The Holiest Place on Earth.

Some of the attractions will be a little different than other Disney parks. The Tea Cups are only for hot water with lemon.

The park will open as soon as they give Mickey Mouse his bris.

You’ll see Mickey, Donald, and Goofy, but not Pluto because dogs aren’t allowed in the house.

On Saturdays, you can walk around the park, but you can’t drive the bumper cars.

On the Splash Mountain ride, the water splits in the middle and splashes you from the sides.

Tomorrow Land is called The World to Come.

The Haunted Mansion isn’t haunted; it’s just the house settling.

If you don’t have a Fast Pass, you’ll wait in line for 40 years.

If you touch or even approach the foot of Space Mountain, you will surely die.

Inside the Pirates of the Caribbean cave, the lagoon flows will milk and honey.

If you run out of money for concessions, just gather manna on the ground.

Even the Little Mermaid is wearing long sleeves.

The Mad Hatter wears a Borselino.

Popular snacks include Paschal lamb, Clouds of Glory Cotton Candy, and Frozen Banana on-a-stick-that-turns-into-a-snake.

See the show, “Cinderella’s Royal Wedding.” After the Prince marries Cinderella, he breaks a glass slipper.

See the other show: “Peter Pan’s Bar Mitzvah.” Instead of fighting Captain Hook, he debates his Talmudic argument.