“Shark Tale”

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/ondeadline/post/2011/03/8-foot-shark-jumps-into-texas-fishermens-boat/1

In the Gulf of Mexico, 3 commercial fisherman got a scare when an 8-foot, 375-lb. mako shark jumped into their boat. When they first heard the splashing, one of the men thought it was a mermaid, but he soon realized his mistake and was later treated for the bite-marks on his penis.

The crew of the boat had been fishing for red snapper, which is only useful information for combining the 2 species when the story is adapted as a TV-movie for the SyFy Channel, called Snapper-Shark!

“Deep, Deep Trouble”

http://www.usatoday.com/news/nation/2010-10-28-oil-spill-cement_N.htm

Haliburton admitted Thursday that they skipped performing a critical test on the cement mix used to seal the BP oil well before it blew out, causing the Gulf spill disaster. Since the spill happened, Haliburton executives have spent much time congratulating each other on the high level of evil they have achieved.

Said a Haliburton rep, “Buwa Ha Ha Ha Ha hHa Ha…”

Haliburton’s admission only came following a Chevron test proving the cement mix was unstable. However, BP had ignored Haliburton’s recommendation to use more centralizers to aid in cement bonding. Both Halibuton and BP should have known what was needed to stabilize the under-sea well, 3 miles down, since both entities come from the depths of Hell.

“Oil Eaters”

http://www.usatoday.com/tech/science/2010-08-24-oil-microbe_N.htm

Scientists have discovered an oil-eating microbe that is suddenly flourishing in the Gulf of Mexico. The microbial species is helping clean the oil spill without very much depletion of oxygen. BP is now quickly trying to figure out how to sell these microbes more oil.

The oil-eating microbes are similar to a known, petroleum-degrading bacteria, and are even more similar to people who order deep-fried food at a carnival.