“Meat, the Staph”

http://yourlife.usatoday.com/health/medical/story/2011/04/Study-Half-of-supermarket-meat-may-have-staph-bug---/46172802/1

A nonprofit group’s report says that half of supermarket meat may be tainted with staph bacteria.  This means you’re 100% safe from staph if you eat at Taco Bell.

Consumers were outraged, mainly because the idea of a staph infection reminded them of Rosie O’Donnell.

Staph is staphylococcus aureus, a bacteria that should be killed as long as the meat is properly cooked.  Most Americans don’t worry much about it, because they think you can’t catch what you can’t pronounce.

Those who eat meat are warned to cook it thoroughly, those who handle raw meat are warned to wash their hands thoroughly, and vegans are warned to quit being such douches about it.

The research included samples of beef, chicken, turkey, and pork.  Since the bacteria was found on each type, it implies that farm animals are getting a lot more promiscuous.

“Taco Bell, What’s in that Shell?”

http://www.usatoday.com/money/industries/food/2011-01-25-taco-bell-suit_N.htm

A lawsuit filed Friday alleges that the meat mixture used by Taco Bell in its beef products does not meet the minimum USDA requirements to be labeled “beef.” A Taco Bell spokesman said that their customers are satisfied with their food quality and value, adding “Besides, they’re too stoned to care.”

Also, it turns out that their cinnamon twists are just made of Styrofoam.

In response, next week Taco Bell plans to unveil their new line of Burritos, made from real burros.

In a related story, McDonald’s is destroying all records of what goes into a McRib sandwich.