“Making Up with Rosie”

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/entertainment/post/2010/05/kathie-lee-and-hoda-go-makeup-free-on-today-/1

The today Show’s co-hosts Kathie Lee Gifford and Hoda Kotb appeared on the show without any make-up Thursday, after Rosie O’Donnell had accused Kathie Lee of having had plastic surgery. Preschoolers watching TV at home can now never be convinced that there’s no such thing as monsters.

The two women’s appearance without make-up frightened Rosie away temporarily, but soon she’ll be back again, looking for food.

NBC’s ratings were unaffected, but the Food network took a hard hit, since everyone lost their appetite.

Fortunately, ambulances came quickly for people unfortunate enough to have watched in High-Def.

“Too Hot for the Cold-Blooded”

http://www.usatoday.com/tech/science/environment/2010-05-14-lizards14_ST_N.htm

Scientists say that rising temperatures may cause the extinction of up to 20% of all lizards by 2080. Many species are failing to reproduce in places where the climate has gotten hotter. To scare conservatives into environmentalism, the scientists will say that global warming turns you gay.

“Sunshine State”

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20100512/ap_on_el_pr/us_republicans2012

The Republican National Committee has chosen Tampa Florida as the location for their 2012 presidential convention. Tampa is an obvious choice for conservative Congress members, as it is said to be a great place to stage a gay sex scandal.

It wasn’t hard to convince members of the GOP to migrate to Florida, since the average age of a Republican senator is now 107.

Though Tampa is famous for its great sun and great tanning, the Republican convention will temporarily make the city a whole lot whiter.

“Penn Mightier than the Sword”

http://www.usatoday.com/life/people/2010-05-12-sean-penn-vandalism_N.htm

Sean Penn pleaded no contest to vandalism charges in Los Angeles Wednesday, stemming from his kicking of a paparazzi photographer in February. Usually kicking a person would bring an assault or battery charge, but we assume that the judge was just afraid to make Penn mad.

Kicking a person is not normally considered vandalism, but in Los Angeles, paparazzi are considered public property like a lamp post.

Penn will have to perform 300 hours of community service, but to him, it’s worth it. After all, had he allowed the photographer to take a picture, it would have lasted longer.

“Apple Sauce”

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ytech_gadg/ytech_gadg_tc2014

Another new iPhone prototype has been possibly leaked, prior to its official release. Apple’s response will be to preemptively debut a new weekly multi-app phone product called the iLeak.

"Model Citizen" or “Gauze and Effects”

http://www.usatoday.com/life/movies/news/2010-05-12-harryhausen12_ST_N.htm

Special effects pioneer Ray Harryhousen, of Jason & the Argonauts and the original Clash of the Titans, is being honored with a model and monster exhibit at the Academy of Motion Picture Arts & Sciences. Fans are rushing there at a rate of 24 tiny movements per second.

Harryhousen is 89 years old, but has no plans to stop motion.

“Writing for the Right”

http://www.usatoday.com/life/books/news/2010-05-11-sarah-palin_N.htm

Sarah Palin will be releasing another book in November, to be titled America by Heart. Palin wants readers to know she know this country by heart, so she won’t have to write it on her hand.

For the new book, Palin will be working with a collaborator, or as they call them in the publishing world, the “author.”

“Release the Kagan”

http://www.usatoday.com/news/washington/judicial/2010-05-10-kagan-picked_N.htm

President Obama has nominated U.S Solicitor General Elena Kagan for the U.S. Supreme Court. Associate Justice Sonia Sotomayor immediately noted that Kagan is not a smart Latina.

If Kagan, who is Jewish, is confirmed, it will mean that for the first time, the Supreme Court will have no Protestant justices. She would join two Jews and six Catholics currently serving. This will necessitate the court being renamed as “The Supreme Guilt.”

“In Tribute…”

http://www.usatoday.com/life/people/obit/2010-05-10-lena-horne_N.htm

Legendary singer Lena Horne passed away Sunday night in New York, at the age of 92. In a related story, the forecast for the rest of the week calls for Stormy Weather.

“Rhino Soar”

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/37062657/ns/technology_and_science-science/

A white rhinoceros escaped his enclosure at the Jacksonville zoo overnight Friday, and after the 5 hours 20 workers spent trying to get him back where he belonged, they were finally able to transport him, sedated. Florida authorities regard this as a textbook college Spring Break detention.

“Biden his Time”

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/us_biden_son_hospitalized

Vice President Joe Biden’s oldest son, Beau Biden, suffered a minor stroke Tuesday. The younger Biden is expected to recover, and his father plans to remain at his son’s side, embarrassing him back to health.

http://www.usatoday.com/news/religion/2010-05-11-pope-portugal_N.htm

Pope Benedict XVI said today that he sees the clerical abuse scandal as the greatest threat to the Catholic church. Many abuse victims, however, disagree; they think the greatest threat is the priests.

"Swing Shift"

http://www.usatoday.com/sports/golf/pga/2010-05-10-haney-woods_N.htm

Hank Haney, Tiger Woods’ swing coach since 2003, announced that he has quit. He was always pleased with Tiger’s clean first swings, but has grown tired of his sloppy seconds.

“Mommy Issues”

http://www.usatoday.com/news/health/2010-05-12-momsvoice12_st_N.htm

Scientists measuring biochemical reactions have measured the effect of a mother’s voice on children. They found that a mother’s soothing produces higher hormone levels pertaining to trust and love, while stress reaction hormones dip. As a result, the government will start making all stockbrokers and bankers call their mom every day.

Some scientists were skeptical of the results, until their mothers told them it was okay.

“Caveman Bones, Breeds"

http://www.usatoday.com/tech/science/discoveries/2010-05-06-neanderthal07_ST_N.htm?csp=hf

New fossil evidence released Thursday suggests interbreeding between Neanderthals and humans 50 to 80,000 years ago. Despite the passage of time, their parents still won’t accept them.

As proof, scientists point to Kirstie Alley.

Their breeding likely came about with the invention of the nightclub. That is, a club you hit someone with at night.

The coupling of the two species suggests that one morning, tens of thousands of years ago, a human invented the walk of shame.

The interbreeding most likely stopped once humans discovered fire and could see what the Neanderthals looked like.

According to a cave painting translation, a popular pick-up line of the time was “Is that a protruding brow under that unwashed hair, or are you just happy to see me?”

“Name Game”

http://www.usatoday.com/news/health/2010-05-07-top-baby-names_N.htm

The Social Security Administration says that "Isabella" became the most popular baby name for girls this year, beating out last year’s top name, "Emma." For the 3^rd year in a row, the least popular name for a baby girl: "Adolph."

TV Debut-sey”

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/entertainment/index

Gary Busey and his girlfriend Steffanie revealed to Entertainment Tonight that they are developing a new TV show about their life as a family with their new baby boy, 3-month-old Luke. The show will highlight the contrasts between Steffanie, who is only 35, and Gary, who is crazy.

“Man, Oh Man”

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/entertainment/post/2010/05/chaz-bono-legally-becomes-a-man/1

A judge allowed Sonny and Cher’s offspring Chaz Bono to change his name from Chastity, and legally change his gender to male, following sex-change surgery last year. This disappointed all the straight men who had been attracted to Chaz as a woman. In other words, nobody was disappointed.

Chaz, formerly known as Chastity, underwent sex-change surgery last year to become a man. It was at that time that she dropped the “tity.”

The court found this to be a troubling case because the judge, like most people, always thought Chastity Bono was already a man.

The gay and trans-gendered community have been very supportive of Chaz, because, you have to admit, what Chaz has done really takes balls.

Lesbians have mixed feelings about the whole thing, because technically, Chaz is now just another straight guy.

Chaz had no comment as he left the courtroom. He just popped a beer, scratched his crotch, and then farted.

“Cat People”

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/pawprintpost/post/2010/05/german-man-ties-the-knot-with-his-dying-cat/1

In Germany, a man paid an actress to officiate an unofficial wedding for him and his dying cat, Cecilia. While some disapprove of the union, the cats parents think it’s better than the two of them living in sin.

The man denies selfish motives; he claims he just did it for the pussy.

The man claims he wanted to make the cat happy in her final days, but some suspect the man of just being a kibble-digger.

The cat has no memory of the wedding. She took a few hits of cat-nip and woke up married.

“Stripped of Benefits”

http://www.usatoday.com/news/offbeat/2010-05-05-stripper-fraud_N.htm

In Pennsylvania, a 43-year-old woman collecting workman’s compensation for a back injury is facing fraud charges when it was discovered that she has been working, as a stripper. The real victims of this crime: club patrons who had to watch a 43-year-old strip.

The woman claimed to have trouble standing up straight, explaining all her time on all fours.

The woman had received over $22,000 in disability payments. Unfortunately, if she has to pay it back, it’s all going to be in sweaty singles.

“Poison Control”

http://www.usatoday.com/life/people/2010-05-04-michaels-released_N.htm

Bret Michaels was released from the hospital Tuesday, following his treatment for a brain hemorrhage on April 22. Michaels will have to return to the hospital regularly, but mainly for his usual treatment of new cases of gonorrhea.

To protect his brain, Michaels will wear a bandana over his hairline at all times.

Doctors knew Bret was ready to be released from the hospital when he started to try to get mouth to mouth from every nurse in the hospital.

Bret may receive follow-up care at home, but it's most likely to be skanky MILF-type care.

“David Boreanaz: No ‘Angel’”

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/entertainment/post/2010/05/bones-star-david-boreanaz-admits-infidelity/1?csp=hf

Facing a threat of blackmail from a former mistress, actor David Boreanaz admitted publicly that he has cheated on his wife of 9 years. Apparently, he though the title of his TV show, Bones, was an action verb.

Boreanaz actions prove the difference between actors and the characters they play on TV. Because Buffy the Vampire Slayer would have kicked his ass.

“Driven To Drive”

http://www.usatoday.com/news/nation/2010-05-03-teen-drivers_N.htm

Some members of Congress are seeking national standard for teen driving, to insure safer standards and reduce fatalities. Teens who were driving at that very moment immediately began texting each other about the idea.

Seeking the most effective techniques to instill specific behaviors in teens, driving instruction will now be given only in the form of peer taunting. “You call that a three point turn?” “You don’t want to use a turn signal? What are you, chicken?”

This hearkens back to a simpler time, when teens being safe in the car just meant using a condom.

“Gay Ol’ Opry?”

http://new.music.yahoo.com/blogs/ourcountry/24529/chely-wright-comes-out/

Recording artist Chely Wright came out publicly that she is gay on Monday, the first country music star to do so. Although, suede fringe jackets, denim cut-offs, leather vests, and chaps are all pretty gay.

Some have identified K.D. Lang as the first country artist to come out, but that still makes Chely the first woman to do so.

Chely hopes that she will still be accepted in the country music industry, and after this, she also hopes that people will have heard of her.

“Con Campaign” or “Ex-Con-gressman”

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/onpolitics/post/2010/05/expelled-congressman-traficant-returns-to-politics--/1

Former Congressman James Traficant, who recently completed a 7-year prison sentence for bribery and racketeering, announced that he plans to run for Congress again in November. Traficant says he has the experience to be effective in Washington. Of course, he’s referring to his experience as a criminal.

Trying to finance his campaign, Traficant is now trying to raise over 1 million cigarettes.

Traficant is considered a long-shot, but he still has the support of his wife. Specifically, his prison wife, Bubba.

Traficant’s campaign slogan is “The buck stops here… in my pocket.”

“Pets Smart”

http://www.usatoday.com/life/lifestyle/pets/2010-04-30-pets-vs-spouses_N.htm

An Associated Press poll found that 1 out of 3 married women say that their pets are better listeners than their husbands. The women explained by blathering on and on about who knows what.

This poll may also explain why many dogs faces droop and look sad.

Husbands interviewed for the poll agreed that their wives really felt blah-blah-bla blah blah about something or other.

Perhaps coincidentally, husbands who did prove to be better listeners were also trained to sit, fetch, and roll over.

“Leader of the Band”

http://www.usatoday.com/life/people/2010-04-30-bono-obama_N.htm

U2 singer Bono met President Obama in the Oval office to discuss U.S. Foreign aid to help economic growth in Africa and other areas. Other individuals that Obama may make time to listen to here in the United States: citizens.

Bono had a slight delay getting into the White House when he couldn’t remember his real name. (It’s Paul David Hewson.)

After the meeting, it was back to political issues and leadership. Also, Obama went back to whatever he was doing.

In a related story, Joe Biden assumes that today’s meeting means he will soon have a sit-down with The Edge.

George Bush also once met Bono, and said, “I liked you better when you were still singing with your wife, Cher.

“Big Bullied”

http://health.yahoo.com/news/healthday/bulliestargetobesekids.html

New research says that children who are overweight or obese are the most likely to be targeted for bullying. It doesn’t help that they are too out of breath to run away.

Fortunately, according to Hollywood, all victims of being bullied will get their revenge when befriended by a magical being, or as soon as they develop super-powers.

The research was conducted by slim, cool scientists who took lunch money from and beat up fat, nerdy scientists.

“Snow Globe”

http://news.yahoo.com/s/space/20100430/sc_space/giantblizzardragingonsaturn

The planet Saturn experienced a massive blizzard this week, exciting amateur astronomers who were able to witness the phenomenon. Meanwhile, children on Saturn were excited because school was cancelled.

In a related story, hot cocoa sales on Saturn have more than doubled.

“Comic Relief”

http://www.usatoday.com/life/comics/2010-04-30-FCBD-creators30-ST_N.htm

Saturday was the annual Free Comic Book Day, a comics publishers’ chance to interest new readers, and to hook comics fans into new titles. In either case, it amounts to one thing: Merry Christmas, nerds.

If you don't get free comics this Saturday, and you're male, take some consolation in the fact that you've kissed a girl.

“Cyclone of Information”

http://www.usatoday.com/weather/research/2010-04-30-tornado-research_N.htm

A large group of research scientists gathered in Oklahoma this weekend to begin searching for tornados. Their top priority is to learn why the movie Twister was so bad.

“Oil and Water”

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20100430/ap_on_bi_ge/us_louisiana_oil_rig_explosion_303

The Gulf of Mexico oil spill spread to the marshland shores of Louisiana Friday, which is bad news for the animals and the environmental organizations trying to protect them. Its good news, though, for people who like their fish packed in oil.

“Hate to Burst NASA’s Balloon”

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/ondeadline/post/2010/04/nasa-balloon-crashes-on-take-off-in-australia-destroying-telescope/1

A NASA balloon intended to lift a gamma-ray telescope into the atmosphere Thursday crashed on take-off, destroying the telescope and overturning an SUV in its path. Said a NASA spokesman, “That’s the last time we use a Toyota balloon.”

The gamma ray telescope was completely destroyed, but nobody was exposed to actual gamma rays… except Dr. Bruce Banner, currently unaccounted for.

“We’ll Always Have Paris”

http://www.usatoday.com/life/people/2010-04-29-paris-hilton-suit_N.htm

A lawsuit is asking Paris Hilton to return her $1 million pay for the box-office flop Pledge This!, with investors alleging that Paris did not promote the film as her contract dictated, causing it to fail. In the spirit of true justice, Paris is also being asked to pay $10 back to everyone who has ever had to see her in any movie.

“Husband Hunter” or “The Wife or Reille”

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/entertainment/post/2010/04/rielle-hunter-refuses-to-tell-oprah-status-of-edwards-relationship/1

John Edwards’ mistress Rielle Hunter told Oprah Winfrey that she did not wreck Edwards marriage. John Edwards responded, “If that means she just wanted to have a threesome with Elizabeth and me, I’m still in.”

Reille refused to comment on the current status of her relationship with Edwards, implying that she was, for the time being, still content with the title of “home-wrecker.”

“Election Pageantry”

http://blogs.ajc.com/political-insider-jim-galloway/2010/04/28/your-morning-jolt-the-woman-who-beat-sarah-palin-takes-aim-at-the-house/?cxntfid=blogs_political_insider_jim_galloway

Maryline Blackburn, the woman who beat Sarah Palin in the 1984 Miss Alaska pageant, is running as a Democrat for a state legislature seat in Georgia. Members of both parties hope the two former rivals reunite for a full-on cat-fight.

In the 1984 contest that led Blackburn to the Miss America pageant, her talent was singing. Palin’s was quitting.

“Youth in Asia” or “What Do You a Want, a Medal?”

http://sports.yahoo.com/olympics/news?slug=txgymunderagegymnast

The International Olympic Committee stripped China of its 2000 Olympic bronze medal for gymnastics, after an investigation proved that one of their athletes had been too young to compete. This brings shame upon China, but not its athletes for the next Olympics, because they haven’t been born yet.

Questions arose about the age of China’s gymnasts at the 2008 Games, but investigators didn’t get to interview them, because the athletes’ mommies and daddies don’t let them talk to strangers.

“Baby Boy Bullock”

http://omg.yahoo.com/blogs/goddess/sandra-bullock-reveals-she-secretly-adopted-baby-boy/391/?nc

This week Sandra Bullock revealed to People Magazine that she secretly adopted an African-American baby boy in New Orleans in January. He is 3 months old, is already 7 feet tall and hopes to some day play football for the Ravens.

The thing Sandra loves most about her new baby is that he’s not cheating on her with Michelle “Bombshell” McGee.

“Don’t Mess with Texas’ Governor” or “Coyote Deadly”

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20100427/ap_on_re_us/us_governor_shoots_coyote

Texas Governor Rick Perry told the press Tuesday that he shot and killed a coyote that appeared to be coming after his Labrador puppy, who was running alongside him on a morning jog. The coyote kill was then celebrated by roadrunners everywhere.

Citizens of Texas were shocked over the incident. They couldn’t believe that their own governor would jog.

“Toyota Unstable”

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/driveon/post/2010/04/toyota-recalling-03-sequoia-suv-to-fix-stability-control-software/1

Toyota has issued another recall, this time for the 2003 Sequoia SUV, over a stability control software issue. No accidents or injuries have been reported, but Toyota warns owners to watch out for other Toyotas with failed brakes before they smash into you.

Toyota says that Sequoia owners can either bring their vehicle into a dealership for a software fix or, better yet, just push it over a cliff and buy a Ford.

“Slick Trick” or “The Coast is Clearing”

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/ondeadline/post/2010/04/report-oil-spill-in-gulf-of-mexico-set-on-fire/1

Last week’s oil rig explosion near Louisiana’s coast caused an oil spill threatening nearby land and wildlife, prompting the U.S. Coast Guard to set the oil spill on fire so it would burn off while still a safe distance from shore. This marks the first time the Coast Guard has ever gotten to do anything cool.

"Seinfeld Curse"

http://www.usatoday.com/life/people/2010-04-27-jason-alexander-accident_N.htm

Seinfeld star Jason Alexander hit a teen cyclist with his car on Tuesday, but luckily the boy wasn’t seriously hurt. As for Alexander, it was his first hit since Seinfeld.

“You’ve Been Sold, Charlie Brown”

http://www.usatoday.com/money/media/2010-04-27-peanuts-rights-sold_N.htm

The Peanuts characters were sold Tuesday to retail brand license company Iconix for $175 million. The company plans to make that money back through Lucy, one 5-cent psychiatry session at a time.

Peanuts creator Charles Schulz’ family will still retain a minority ownership and called the transition bittersweet. Specifically, it’s a “good grief.”

The $175 million does not include funds to repair Snoopy’s doghouse so he can take another run at the Red Baron.

Fans can hardly wait to see if all this new pressure helps Charlie Brown finally kick the football.

An Iconix spokesman proudly said, “wah wah-wuh, wah-wah, wu wah wuh-wa whah,”

“Uk-Raining Eggs”

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/ondeadline/post/2010/04/smoke-bombs-egg-throwing-disrupt-ukrainian-vote-on-russian-bases/1

In Ukraine, Parliament members threw eggs at fellow members who supported their new president in extending the Russian navy’s use of a Ukrainian Black Sea port by 25 years. Those hit were very embarrassed, both to be covered in raw egg, and to be in the Ukrainian Parliament.

Once the eggs began being thrown, everyone scrambled.

Those opposing Russia’s extension aren’t saying the Ukrainian president is afraid of Russia, but they did say he was the one who laid the eggs they threw.

Parliament then did the only thing they could do; they got together and made a huge Russian omelet.

“Turkeys' Day”

http://www.usatoday.com/news/nation/2010-04-26-wild-turkey_N.htm

Police and Animal Control authorities say that the growing population of wild turkeys nationwide has lead to more suburban encounters with the fearless and sometimes aggressive birds. The simplest solution to get them to keep their distance: dress like a Pilgrim.

Critics want action to be taken because, they say, every day more and more turkeys are taking our jobs or getting on welfare.

“Minor Damage”

http://abcnews.go.com/US/wireStory?id=10463024

The manager of a Detroit strip club was arrested after it was discovered that a girl working as a dancer was only 14 years old. Police say he should have known she was underage because she preferred to be tipped with cookies and milk.

The manager claims he didn’t know she was so young. He said, “She was just like all the other dancers: she was pretty, wore a lot of make-up, and had a 7^th grade education.”

They should have known she was too young. On stage, when she slid down the pole, she said, “Whee!”

The manager should have realized how young she was. Her G-string was UndeRoos.

The girl had a fake ID, but the club should have known she wasn’t really 18: she doesn’t even have a baby.

She didn’t mind taking off her clothes, but she threw a temper tantrum when she had to pick them up from the stage.

The girl invited one of her regulars back to her crib, and it was actually a crib.

“Bush Tome”

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/theoval/post/2010/04/bush-memoir-43s-most-critical-and-historic-decisions/1

Crown Publishers announced the upcoming release of Former President George W. Bush’s presidential memoirs, centered on the best decisions of his career. It will be titled The Paths Not Taken.

The publishers insist that Bush’s memoir is a presidential first: the entire manuscript was written in crayon.

The book highlights Bush’s decisions through the most challenging moments of his presidency, including 9/11, the Iraq war, Hurricane Katrina, and more. But every single chapter ends with “Decided to do what Mr. Cheney told me to.”

Bush’s book really does mark an historical moment. It’s the first time anyone has ever written a book without ever having read one.

Bush says that now that he has found his literary voice, he looks forward to continuing to be a litterer.

“One Leg Ahead of the Rest”

http://www.usatoday.com/sports/olympics/summer/track/2010-04-25-amputee-runner_N.htm?se=yahoorefer

Amy Palmeiro-Winters made sports history this week, becoming the first amputee named to a national U.S. track and field team after qualifying in Arizona in January. Her win there is what gave her a leg up.

Had her prosthetic leg disqualified her, she would have been hopping mad.

Amy admits she has faced many challenges, but has always been able to run from them.

“Dangerous Games”

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/ondeadline/post/2010/04/supreme-court-to-decide-if-calif-can-ban-sales-of-violent-video-games-to-minors/1

The U.S. Supreme Court will consider a California case on a ban against the selling of violent video games to children. Video Game fans hope the Supreme Court will smack California’s ban down like it was a Grand Theft Auto hooker.

“Going for the Gold… Ring”

http://sports.yahoo.com/olympics/vancouver/blog/fourth_place_medal/post/Kerri-Strug-trades-in-Olympic-rings-for-wedding-?urn=oly,236732

Kerri Strug, the 1996 Olympic Gold medalist who famously landed a winning vault on one foot due to an ankle injury, got married this weekend, to boyfriend Robert Fischer. Strug now has another claim to fame: a winning gymnast who is not a lesbian.

“Hooray for Hefner”

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/ondeadline/post/2010/04/hefner-helps-save-hollywood-sign-again/1

The world-famous Hollywood sign, threatened with the sale of the land it sits on, was saved by Hugh Hefner, who donated $900,000 to get to the fundraising campaign’s goal of $12.5 million to buy the property. Hefner just wanted to prove that he could still keep it up.

In exchange, of course, the sign will have to pose naked for Playboy.

The campaign had already raised enough money to save “Holly,” but Hefner’s contribution also made sure that we’d forever have “Wood.”

Hefner has helped the Hollywood sign before, giving it a facelift in 1978. This time he wants it to get bigger letters.

Hefner insists that the sign should get implants in its O’s.

Hefner’s ultimate goal was to change the sign to spell Hollywood with a Double-D.

“Learning Curves?” or "Prof Likes Thai Pros"

http://www.usatoday.com/news/education/2010-04-22-IHE-professor-prostitution_N.htm

A Cal State Northridge economics professor is drawing attention over his website, a guide for tourists seeking prostitutes in Thailand. Critics are outraged, saying, “who needs help finding prostitutes in Thailand?”

“Carnival Thrill Ride”

Dozens of passengers received minor injuries Wednesday when a Carnival Cruise ship was forced to make a hard turn to avoid an object in front of the ship. Carnival made sure that anyone injured received 2-star medical care.

The hard leaning of the ship that caused the injuries is no cause for passengers to sue, the line says. In fact, signs everywhere on the ship specifically state, Carnival encourages tipping.

On the brighter side, passengers who fell were saved from a far worse fate: joining a Conga line.

Bleeping South Park

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/ondeadline/post/2010/04/south-park-censored-after-warning-from-islamist-group/1

Comedy Central censored Wednesday’s episode of South Park, blocking and bleeping depictions and the name of Islam’s Muhammad, following a warning posted by a group called Revolution Muslim. In a related story, I am not writing any joke making fun of this group.

The group did not make a specific threat, but expressed that South Park’s creators could become victims of violence for the episode. Producers have tried to protect the characters, especially since – oh my God, they killed Kenny! “You bastards!”

“The Color of Money”

http://www.usatoday.com/money/economy/2010-04-21-new-100_N.htm?csp=hf

The newly redesigned $100 bill, slated to go into circulation next February, was unveiled Wednesday in Washington. The bill still features a large portrait of Benjamin Franklin, but after all these years, he has finally gotten rid of the mullet.

The new bills will be distributed to the nation’s larger banks, who will then begin to circulate the bills through embezzlement by their executives.

“Kate Gosselin Ditched Like She Was Jon Gosselin”

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/entertainment/post/2010/04/did-kate-gosselin-survive-elimination-on-dancing-with-the-stars-/1

Kate Gosselin got voted of Dancing with the Stars in this week’s episode, conveying that the show’s title might now be truthful.

Kate’s dancing ability has won her a new dance-themed reality show, Kate Plus 2 Left Feet.

The people who were most passionately voting to send Kate home said, in unison, “Come home, Mommy.”

"Spock Out"

http://www.torontosun.com/entertainment/tv/2010/04/19/13639516.html?loc=interstitialskip

Actor Leonard Nimoy announced this week that he is retiring from acting. He will spend his retirement like most people, trying to live long and prosper.

Asked why he didn’t want to act anymore, Nimoy cocked one eyebrow and said : “It’s highly illogical.”

Nimoy will spend his time traveling, visiting with friends and family, and of course, purging himself of all human emotion.

Of course, when he says “retire” he means “give up telling people he’s done more than just ‘Spock’.”

“Clinton’s Job”

http://www.usatoday.com/news/education/2010-04-22-clintonhaiti22_ST_N.htm

Former President Bill Clinton, who has been heading U.N. rebuilding efforts in Haiti, stressed the importance of reopening Haiti’s colleges and universities as soon as possible. Said Clinton, “It’s through college that people will find good jobs and rebuild the economy. Also, college is where we’ll find all the hot co-eds.”

“Charges Disappear”

http://www.usatoday.com/life/people/2010-04-20-copperfield-rape-accusation_N.htm

A woman who had accused David Copperfield of luring her to the Bahamas and raping her has dropped her lawsuit. There was a lack of evidence; it all had disappeared.

The woman said that Copperfield forced her to perform sexual acts. He maintains that it was all just an illusion.

The woman gave testimony about Copperfield’s sexual style. She says he did it with smoke and mirrors.

Copperfield says they had consensual sex and then she tried to extort money from him, leading to her being charged with prostitution. In other words, when they got together, it was magical.

“Assault on Salt”

http://www.usatoday.com/news/health/2010-04-20-fda-salt-cutback_N.htm

Public health advocates are pushing the FDA to further limit the amount of sodium in foods and beverages, as salt plays a key role in blood pressure and cardiovascular disease. Liberals are set to attack processed foods; conservatives want to blow up the oceans.

Conspiracy theorists say that getting salt off the table is just a ploy to make pepper lonely.

Some anti-activists are going too far, replacing table salt with cocaine.

The commercial overuse of salt has been hard to prove. Hidden-camera video of salt being added to foods in restaurants all turned out grainy.

“Shaking Things Up”

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20100419/ap_on_re_mi_ea/ml_iran_earthquakes_promiscuity

A senior cleric in Iran says that all the recent earthquakes in the world are being caused by the behavior of promiscuous women. It’s a vicious circle, though, because earthquakes have been making women shimmy, sway, and jiggle.

By that token, he considers the Earth itself slutty.

“Highest Trash Mound”

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/ondeadline/post/2010/04/everest-death-zone-trash-to-be-picked-up-for-first-time/1

For the first time, the trash left behind by climbers around the peak of Mt. Everest is going to be picked up. Unless they don’t bag their leaves separately; then it will be left by the curb.

Newspapers must be bundled and tied with twine; otherwise they’ll fall down, 29,000 feet.

“Bishop Denied”

http://www.usatoday.com/news/religion/2010-04-16-holocaust-denier_N.htm

A British bishop convicted in a German court for denying the Holocaust on Swedish TV will have to pay a heavy fine. He will not lose his title, but from now on, the bishop can only be moved diagonally.

If the bishop is also gay, at least he’ll be happy to know Mel Gibson is single again.

“Benedict XVI Marks Year V”

http://www.usatoday.com/news/religion/2010-04-16-pope-anniversary-abuse_N.htm

At the Vatican, Pope Bendict XVI celebrated his papal ‘birthday,’ the 5th anniversary as the pontiff on Friday. He celebrated as he always does; enjoying the company of friends, sharing a cake made for him, and wearing a funny hat.

“Court Rules Down Prayer Religiously” or Judge Says no prayer, So Help Me, God”

http://www.usatoday.com/news/religion/2010-04-15-prayer-day_N.htm

A federal judge ruled the national Day of Prayer unconstitutional, saying it calls for government sanctioned religious action. For the same reason, the same judge also shot down the atheists’ National Day of Doing Nothing.

The judge’s decision affirms that the United States is a country without an official religion. On the other hand, this is also why God doesn’t have to participate in the census, pay taxes, or vote in this country.


Right after rendering the decision, the judge who struck it down was himself struck down by lightning.

“March of Mercury”

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/sciencefair/post/2010/04/report-march-was-earth%E2%80%99s-warmest-on-record/1

The national Climatic Data Center says that March was the warmest March ever, since records began being kept in 1880. Experts say the vast majority of the heat was coming off of Sandra Bullock’s face.

“Up a Creek with a Paddle”

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2010/04/15/AR2010041505964.html?g=0

The school board of Temple, Texas has reinstituted the use of a paddle to discipline students who misbehave. As a result, there has been a sharp increase in enrollment by adults into S&M.

Parents and school officials seemed to agree that corporal punishment was necessary to curb increasing disciplinary problems. Opponents say that the decision to use a paddle comes from listening to heavy metal music.

“Snake Belt”

In South Carolina, a man was arrested for striking another man in the face with his 4-foot python. The defendant may get off, since the law’s definition of this kind of incident is too constricting.

“Hey, that hurt. I’m going to sue you for every rodent you’ve got,” said the python.

Talking about his assaulter, the victim said, “Well luckily for me, he didn’t have a pet anaconda. Or penis.”

“King of Marriages”

http://www.usatoday.com/life/people/2010-04-14-larry-king-divorce_N.htm

TV’s Larry King is seeking divorce from his 7th wife, Shawn, after 13 years of marriage. Larry says he wants to end the marriage because he doesn’t remember who the hell she is.

His wife is seeking alimony, 3 houses, and custody of their 2 children, but doesn’t want anything from Larry’s CNN TV show. To which, Larry replied, “I have a TV show?”

“Elec-Dead”

http://www.usatoday.com/news/offbeat/2010-04-15-dead-man-elected-mayor_N.htm

A mayoral candidate who died a few weeks ago still won the Tracy City, Tennessee election Tuesday. His shocked opponent, the incumbent mayor, really thought her campaign strategy would work, having run on a platform of being alive.

This is a rare instance where the winning candidate didn’t even vote for himself.

The press are already trying to did up dirt on him.

The question now is, is the current lame-duck mayor still considered less effective than the incoming mayor-elect?

The new mayor is already buried… in paperwork.

The new mayor will not be repealing the local death tax, since it would be seen as self-serving.

Tracy City stands by their choice, saying this is the only way to get a politician who isn’t corrupt.

The city is ready for these new special challenges. For example, they’ve agreed to accept any city documents that the mayor signs by Ouija board.

This story will soon be adapted to a new original SyFy TV series: Ghost Mayor!

“Pamela Anderson: Busted?”

Pamela Anderson reportedly owes almost half a million dollars to the state of California in back taxes. The amount seems high until you consider the degree to which Pamela’s got back.

Stories of her financial troubles came to light about 6 months ago, surprising many. As far as the public knew, she had huge mounds… of money.

Pamela hasn’t seemed worried. For years, she has gotten used to her resources getting bigger, then smaller, then bigger, then smaller.

Publicly, Pamela has waxed philosophical about the issue. And based on her personal grooming history, that’s probably not all she waxed.

Her ex, Tommy Lee, has said that if Pamela needs a loan of money, he could give her a big one.

http://tv.yahoo.com/blog/money-woes-plague-pamela-anderson--1153

“UCS Foundation Going Rogue”

At UC, Sacramento controversy erupted this week over a school foundation’s refusal to disclose contract terms for an upcoming speaking engagement by Sarah Palin. Among the former Alaska governor’s requests is either first class commercial or else private air transportation, in either case meaning a helicopter equipped with loaded hunting rifles.

A document containing details of Palin’s conditions including accommodations had been thrown away, prompting questions, such as, who the hell wants Sarah Palin in California?

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/us_calif_palin_contract

“Crazy King” or “Broiled in Controversy”

Mental health advocates protested a new Burger King as where their King mascot is being chased as he crashes through windows to hand out a low-priced sandwich, all the while being called “crazy.” Similarly Jack in the Box is being protested by people with giant heads.

Things got even uglier when Burger King called competitor McDonald’s mascot a clown.

No word yet whether or not the controversy will force the King to abdicate the throne.

Also upset with Burger King: people who like good French fries.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ynews/20100414/ts_ynews/ynews_ts1615

“Getting Schooled in Mississippi”

On Tuesday a federal judge ordered the school district of Tylertown, Mississippi to stop segregating black and white children in elementary schools. The judge also ordered Mississippi into the 21st Century.

The case proved one shocking point: Mississippi does have schools.

The racial segregation in the case seemed to be limited to elementary school students, from kindergarten through 5th grade. This means the affected students were between the ages of 5 and 19.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/csm/20100414/ts_csm/294380

“Broken Braveheart”

Mel Gibson and his singer girlfriend Oksana Grigorieva have split up. The two just had a baby a few months ago, perhaps straining the relationship. In October, Oksana had delivered a bouncing baby Jew.

Even at the height of their romance, Gibson had openly said they had no plans to marry. Then, since the baby was born, Mel began to complain that Oksana had taken over the banks and the media.

People magazine reports that the couple “just drifted apart,” meaning, she’s not actually crazy.

http://movies.yahoo.com/news/usmovies.accesshollywood.com/report-mel-gibson-oksana-grigorieva-split

“Frozen Beef”

Meat companies are blaming a sharp rise in the cost of beef on the harsh winter. It was a cold winter for cattle…
It was so cold, when they slaughtered the cows, the meat was already frozen.

It was so cold, steers were complaining that their horns were suffering from shrinkage.

It was so cold, dairy cows were giving ice cream.

It was so cold, cows wanted to be grilled, just to be close to the fire.

It was so cold, cows were wearing leather jackets.

It was so cold, bulls were charging at bullfighter’s capes just for their warmth.

Their teeth chattered so loud, you couldn’t hear the cows’ bell.

The cows were shivering so much, they gave milk shakes.

The cattle shivered so much that they were turned into beef herky-jerky.

There may be more cow jokes here, but I think I’ve milked it for all its worth.

If you don't like stories or jokes like these, don't have a cow.

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/ondeadline/post/2010/04/beef-prices-shoot-up-after-harsh-winter/1

“Wild Cats”

A Pennsylvania woman was sentenced to house arrest for animal cruelty after piercing the ears of black cats and marketing them for sale over the Internet as “Gothic kittens.” Authorities agree, though, that the real cruelty was making the cats listen to all that awful emo music.

A small bird testified that he believed the woman also tattooed the cats. He said, “I tawt I taw a Puddy tat.”

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/ondeadline/post/2010/04/pa-woman-gets-house-arrest-for-piercing-gothic-kittens/1

“Out of State Funeral”

President Obama is attending the funeral for the president and first lady of Poland this weekend. Secret Service is making inquiries to find out how many Poles it will take to… provide additional security.

Despite the tragic plane crash that took the president’s and the first lady’s lives, the Polish government asserts that the country’s aircraft are perfectly safe, just like the Polish submarines, since their screen doors were removed.

Joe Biden may also attend the funeral, but his aides have been carefully instructed to keep the Vice President from breaking a light bulb just to see how many locals then come around to change it.

“Texas Hold ‘Em”

Dr. Conrad Murray, the physician charged for Michael Jackson’s death, has now been restricted from prescribing or using anesthetics or heavy sedatives in the state of Texas as well as California. However, in the other 48 states, Murray is still free to kill people.

http://www.usatoday.com/life/people/2010-04-13-jackson-doctor_N.htm

“Munchkin Mourned”

Meinhardt Rabbe, who as a young man played the coroner of Munchkinland in the classic movie, The Wizard of Oz, died at the age of 94. Though remembered for playing the quotable character, in show business, he never rose to greater heights.

The Orange Park, FL medical examiner confirmed that not only is he merely dead, he’s really most sincerely dead.

http://www.usatoday.com/life/people/2010-04-10-munchkin-actor-dies_N.htm

“Court Limiting Freedom of Slurred Speech?”

A federal appeals court has upheld a Virginia ban on alcohol ads in college newspapers. Experts say that this will result in college students cutting down on partying, if your definition of partying is reading ads in newspapers.

When in public, instead of using a plain paper bag, college students can now wrap their liquor bottles in a college newspaper without fear that ads for booze might give them away.

Fortunately, students will still be allowed to read their college newspaper while drunk.

http://www.usatoday.com/news/education/2010-04-12-IHE-alcohol-ads_N.htm

"Text-Mex" or “Registration Nation”

Mexico is imposing a phone service cut-off deadline to enforce national cell phone registration, since cell phones are frequently used in kidnap-for-ransom plots. The plan will stop these crimes, as long as kidnappers willingly register their real names.

Kidnappers have been forever foiled, unless they figure out that they could just use their victim’s phone to make the ransom call.

In light of all the kidnappings in Mexico, Apple is designing the iRansom app.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20100409/tc_nm/us_mexico_cellphones

“Pope on the Ropes”

A letter written by Pope Benedict XVI in 1985, before his papacy, emerged this week where he delayed removal of a priest accused of abuse 4 years earlier. The Vatican admits the signature of then Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger is authentic. Said a critic of the Church: If he had nothing to hide, then why the hell did he change his name? Aha! Gotcha!”

The critic went on to criticize the letter’s spelling and penmanship.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20100409/ap_on_re_us/us_pope_church_abuse;_ylt=AvnoJMB0EbWOCTwEaGfdV1frTrp_;_ylu=X3oDMTM5a2J1aDN0BGFzc2V0A2FwLzIwMTAwNDA5L3VzX3BvcGVfY2h1cmNoX2FidXNlBGNjb2RlA21vc3Rwb3B1bGFyBGNwb3MDNgRwb3MDNgRzZWMDeW5fdG9wX3N0b3JpZXMEc2xrA2FwZXhjbHVzaXZlZg--

"AIDS Pill”

Researchers are working on a pill that could prevent people from contracting AIDS. The pill makes you look like Hillary Clinton so no one wants to have sex with you.

“Trouble Brewing”

This week, Carlsberg brewery workers went on strike due to a decision to limit drinking at work to lunch breaks. Employees complained, “This means that from now on, every day, coming to work here is going to be like… a job!”

“Space Chicks” or "Astrogen"

After Monday's space shuttle launch, four women were in space at the same time for the first time ever. Until, of course, their menstrual cycles synch up and they kill each other.

“Tiger Back on Course”

Tiger Woods returned to golf this week, playing at the Masters, complete with the media’s hole-by-hole attention. The media also covered his golfing.

Spectators of the Masters have come mainly from two groups: fans of golf as a sport and people who just wanted to see if Tiger would crash his cart into a tree.

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/gameon/post/2010/04/tiger-eagles-the-9th-goes-2-under/1

“Kate + Plus TV Fate”

Kate Gosselin will be starring in her own new TV series, Twist of Kate, which will feature profiles of women with their own special challenges in life. Jon Gosselin had his own idea for a show for his ex-wife, Twist of Kate’s Neck ‘til her Head Pops Off.

Asked how she plans to use the earnings from this new show to support her 8 children, Kate said, “What children?”

http://www.usatoday.com/life/television/news/2010-04-08-TLC1D08_ST_N.htm?csp=hf

“Duchess Down”

Prince Charles’ wife, Camilla, the Duchess of Wales, broke her leg while hiking in Scotland Thursday. Charles intends to shoot her, rather than let the poor creature suffer.

Fortunately, Camilla still has the other 3 good legs to walk on.

Camilla was taken to the hospital where X-Rays confirmed a fracture, necessitating a cast for the next 6 weeks. This, of course, is all code for royal, elective, plastic surgery.

http://www.usatoday.com/life/people/2010-04-08-camilla_N.htm

“Navratilova Wins… Against Cancer”

It was announced Wednesday that tennis great Martina Navratilova is being treated for DCIS, a common, non-invasive type of breast cancer. Navratilova’s diagnosis really highlights the fact that men can get breast cancer, too.

Navratilova has responded well to treatment and joked about radiation causing hair loss. In particular, she is worried that it could thin her beard.

Her lumpectomy was a success, and radiation treatment will help her lower the risk of the cancer coming back. So the ball is in her court.

Martina had intended to keep the news private, but went public once it hit the ‘Net.

http://www.usatoday.com/sports/tennis/2010-04-07-martina-navratiolva-breast-cancer_N.htm

“Kyrgyzstan Coup Spells Trouble”

The opposition party in the Asian nation of Kyrgyzstan claims to have taken control of the government, forcing the resignation of the Prime Minster. Their take-over strategy was simple: They took control of all the consonants in Kyrgyzstan, leaving the vowels no choice but to fall in line.

Yesterday, the opposition had taken over through day-long demonstrations of unrest in the streets which turned violent, with damage costs adding up to over $7.

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/ondeadline/post/2010/04/kyrgyzstan-opposition-says-it-has-taken-full-power/1

“Cherry Bomb”

Actress Nicolette Sheridan is suing her former Desperate Housewives boss, Marc Cherry, over an alleged slap in the face in 2008. As punishment, Nicolette seeks a court order forcing Cherry to listen to music by her ex-fiancé, Michael Bolton.

Nicolette maintains that per her contract, she was to have her ass, not her face slapped.

http://www.usatoday.com/life/television/news/2010-04-06-sheridan-cherry-lawsuit_N.htm

“Jon & Kate Plus 15 More Minutes of Fame”

Jon Gosselin is suing ex-wife and Dancing with the Stars competitor, Kate for custody of all 8 of their children. Jon doesn’t want his kids raised by a woman who is getting more attention than him.

Jon says Kate failed to provide proof of the children’s expenses she expected him to pay. For example, why did the children all need blonde hair extensions?

http://www.usatoday.com/life/people/2010-04-07-gosselin-custody-suit_N.htm

“Jennifer’s (Student) Body”

Megan Fox and Brian Austin green appeared in a new FunnyOrDie.com video ridiculing Governor Schwarzenegger’s proposed education budget cuts. Outraged citizens are now to demanding to know, “Who the hell is Brian Austin Green?”

http://omg.yahoo.com/blogs/a-line/megan-fox-takes-on-the-governor/431/?nc

"Sorry, Charlie"

Actor John Forsythe, known as the voice of "Charlie" on the hit 1970's TV show Charlie's Angels, died this week at the age of 92. In honor of that show, women are being asked to pay their respects at his memorial by not wearing a bra.

http://www.usatoday.com/life/people/obit/2010-04-02-forsythe_N.htm

Drywall All Wet

The federal government says that about 3,000 U.S. homes built with harmful Chinese drywall will need to be completely gutted. Or, if you own one of these homes AND have a Toyota in the garage, just blow your house up and start all over.

These homes will have to replace wiring, piping, circuit breakers, and more, as well as the drywall itself. The Big Bad Wolf says to skip drywall altogether, and recommends building houses out of straw or sticks.

China has volunteered to replace the drywall with asbestos, and then cover it with a delicious lead paint.

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/ondeadline/post/2010/04/feds-call-for-gutting-thousands-of-us-homes-tainted-with-chinese-drywall/1

C-section get an F

In North Carolina, 2 doctors are being disciplined for a 2008 case of performing a C-section on a woman who turned out not to be pregnant. The doctors defended themselves saying, “At least we were right when we said the patient was a woman.”

Of the 2 doctors, 1 no longer delivers babies. The other thinks she does, but she’s just playing with a jack-in-the-box.

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/ondeadline/post/2010/04/in-nc-a-c-section-delivers-reprimands-but-no-baby/1

“Chocolate Hearts”

A study in Germany has found that small amounts of chocolate can help control blood pressure and protect the heart. Said Oprah Winfrey: “America, this is why I eat so. Much. Chocolate. I’m taking care of 100 million women’s Heaaaarrts!”

This will prove to be a boon for next year’s Valentine’s Day candy, which thrives on chocolate-filled hearts.

“Icky Martin”

Last week Ricky Martin publicly came out as a homosexual man. This was to clarify for his fans who thought he was just a tall woman with short hair.

Some media outlets had begun to refer to him as Dick Martin after misinterpreting his statement, “I prefer Dick.”

He is making this announcement now because for the last few years he has been living La Vida In Obscurity.

“No French Toast”

France’s First Lady, Carla Bruni-Sarkozy, did not have tea with Michelle Obama on her trip to Washington this week. Since tea is more equated with British tradition, Bruni-Sarkozy went with the more French tradition of snubbing an American.