Preorders for her pending book have already made Sarah Palin a bestselling author, weeks before the book’s scheduled November 17 release. As soon as the book arrives, Palin’s diehard fans will begin reading it, but then quit halfway through.
On Tuesday, Toyota issued a recall of 3.8 million cars driver side floor mats, which had caused the accelerator pedal to get stuck down, causing multiple crashes. It’s a shame, because just as the auto industry was turning around, they literally had the rug pulled from under them.
President Obama is in Denmark campaigning for Chicago to host the 2016 Olympics. His strongest argument: Chicago could certainly use the exercise.
Cirque du Soleil founder Guy Laliberte lifted off toward the International Space Station today, wearing a clown nose to make an important statement: Anyone following a clown into space should know that they have really, really big shoes to fill.
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
“Kate Plus Eight Is Enough”
The popular reality show Jon & Kate Plus Eight is being renamed Kate Plus Eight due to the break-up of the marriage. Kate will be getting physical custody of the children, while Jon will be getting physical with other women.
Despite allegations of infidelity on both sides, the real issue between the couple was which one of them was a bitch and which was just acting like one.
The network confirms that Jon will still be part of the show, meaning a check made out to him will be split eight ways for child support.
Jon and Kate both still have an exclusive arrangement with TLC, but then again, they both also used to have an exclusive arrangement with each other.
TLC briefly considered calling the show Bitch and a Bunch o’ Babies.
Producers were conflicted about which parent to feature more since their split, but ultimately it came down to showcasing what the audience really wants to see: Kate’s horrible hair.
Despite allegations of infidelity on both sides, the real issue between the couple was which one of them was a bitch and which was just acting like one.
The network confirms that Jon will still be part of the show, meaning a check made out to him will be split eight ways for child support.
Jon and Kate both still have an exclusive arrangement with TLC, but then again, they both also used to have an exclusive arrangement with each other.
TLC briefly considered calling the show Bitch and a Bunch o’ Babies.
Producers were conflicted about which parent to feature more since their split, but ultimately it came down to showcasing what the audience really wants to see: Kate’s horrible hair.
“Re-pent Up”
Yesterday was Yom Kippur, which meant Jewish people everywhere spent the day atoning for their sins. Unfortunately, Mel Gibson said he isn’t buying it.
“The Supremes”
The U.S. Supreme Court justices had their new group photograph taken Tuesday. The formal photo-op was quiet and uneventful except, of course, for Ruth Bader Ginsburg’s usual Basic Instinct leg-uncrossing.
“Tonight Postponed A Day”
On Friday, production stopped on the Tonight Show when Conan O’Brien had to be taken to the hospital. During the taping of a sketch, he had received a really big head injury. The injury wasn’t really big; just his head.
Friday, September 25, 2009
“Dumb Struck”
A study suggests that spanking of children may lower their IQ. A pro-spanking parent said, “I only spank my kid ‘cause he’s so stupid in the first place.”
This also explains parents’ retort to their misbehaving kids, “Don’t get smart with me.”
The spanking study was conducted by the University of New Hampshire’s Family Research Laboratory, under discipline expert Professor Murray Straus, or as he prefers to be called, Mistress Raven.
As for adults with low IQ’s, now we know what you’re into. (Wink.)
This also explains parents’ retort to their misbehaving kids, “Don’t get smart with me.”
The spanking study was conducted by the University of New Hampshire’s Family Research Laboratory, under discipline expert Professor Murray Straus, or as he prefers to be called, Mistress Raven.
As for adults with low IQ’s, now we know what you’re into. (Wink.)
“17 Billion, Trillion and Counting”
A Bank of America customer has filed a lawsuit for bad service, suing for $1784 billion, trillion. The man claims to have like, a ka-jillion supporters.
The bank has asked the man to drop the suit, and they offer their apology- times infinity!
The man wants the money delivered to his top secret tree fort in his backyard.
The bank said he can have the money, but only if he carries it all out himself, in pennies.
Rumor has it the U.S. government may not only allow the suit, but will award the full amount to the plaintiff, just to get their cut in tax money.
The bank has asked the man to drop the suit, and they offer their apology- times infinity!
The man wants the money delivered to his top secret tree fort in his backyard.
The bank said he can have the money, but only if he carries it all out himself, in pennies.
Rumor has it the U.S. government may not only allow the suit, but will award the full amount to the plaintiff, just to get their cut in tax money.
“Living Doll”
Mattel’s iconic doll Barbie is going to become the star of a live-action movie. The producers are already looking for an actress small enough to fit into Barbie’s clothes.
Some changes are necessary to insure a successful Hollywood movie. The actress selected to play Barbie will have a new face sewn to a fashionable style and her clothes will be painted on.
Some changes are necessary to insure a successful Hollywood movie. The actress selected to play Barbie will have a new face sewn to a fashionable style and her clothes will be painted on.
Thursday, September 24, 2009
“Baby, Baby”
An Arkansas woman and her husband discovered that she got pregnant while already pregnant for 2-and-a-half weeks, which is extremely rare. Even less common, however: the Arkansas couple discovered they are not brother and sister.
“Ice Capades”
NASA has discovered that the moon has a large amount of ice in its soil. Future uses of the ice may include separating the water into hydrogen for fuel and breathable oxygen. Best of all, astronauts in space will finally be able to keep their drinks cool.
Among the experiments NASA wants to conduct is a measure of the ice in the moon’s surface soil. Due to the millions of dollars it will cost, critics say NASA is already on thin ice.
As far as what to do with melted ice imbedded in soil, that’s where it gets into muddy water.
Among the experiments NASA wants to conduct is a measure of the ice in the moon’s surface soil. Due to the millions of dollars it will cost, critics say NASA is already on thin ice.
As far as what to do with melted ice imbedded in soil, that’s where it gets into muddy water.
“Bottom of the Summit” or “What Up, G?”
In Pittsburgh, the latest G-20 economic summit was met by at least several hundred protesters. The usual marches and chants were angrier than past summits, because this time the protesters had to come to Pittsburgh.
The Mamas and the Papas and the Daughter”
In her new book, former child star Mackenzie Phillips alleges that she had a 10-year incestuous sexual affair with her father, singer late John Phillips. Many have been shocked and disappointed, saying, “John, you could have done so much better.”
Slightly lessening the moral outrage, Mackenzie confirms that John was, at least, still alive at the time of the affair.
Slightly lessening the moral outrage, Mackenzie confirms that John was, at least, still alive at the time of the affair.
“Old Saying”
The world’s oldest man gave a speech at his 113th birthday party this week. No one had the heart to tell him that he had given the exact same speech last year.
“Gaining Exposure”
Michigan’s state legislature is trying to ban explicit billboards for strip bars and adult bookstores. State senators say that when they pass these billboards of scantily clad women in suggestive poses, they want to see them going down.
Though the courts have often struck down such bans as First Amendment violations, the legislators assure voters that they will be keeping a close eye on the billboard ads.
Resolved not to waste taxpayer money to fight the issue, several state senators have pledged their own money to investigate these businesses, personally, and the money is in the form of a big roll of singles.
Though the courts have often struck down such bans as First Amendment violations, the legislators assure voters that they will be keeping a close eye on the billboard ads.
Resolved not to waste taxpayer money to fight the issue, several state senators have pledged their own money to investigate these businesses, personally, and the money is in the form of a big roll of singles.
“They Grow Up So Fast”
In Indonesia, a woman gave birth to a 19.2 lb. baby boy. She has decided to name him, “I Hate You.”
The mother didn’t just have a cesarean section, she had the whole cesarean.
Actually, the operation was simple. The doctor just made one cut and then the baby stepped out.
Doctors trying to explain how the baby got to be so heavy said that most babies move and kick a lot in the womb, but this one just played video games.
The baby appeared healthy to hospital staff before it broke through the walls and began eating people.
The baby will soon be starring in a remake of Honey, I Blew Up the Kid.
Though it’s controversial, the parents plan on raising the child as a human.
Since bonding with the mother right away is important, the mom has been constantly letting her new son carry her around in his arms.
The parents can’t wait for the baby to say his first words, “Fe, fi, fo, fum.”
The mother didn’t just have a cesarean section, she had the whole cesarean.
Actually, the operation was simple. The doctor just made one cut and then the baby stepped out.
Doctors trying to explain how the baby got to be so heavy said that most babies move and kick a lot in the womb, but this one just played video games.
The baby appeared healthy to hospital staff before it broke through the walls and began eating people.
The baby will soon be starring in a remake of Honey, I Blew Up the Kid.
Though it’s controversial, the parents plan on raising the child as a human.
Since bonding with the mother right away is important, the mom has been constantly letting her new son carry her around in his arms.
The parents can’t wait for the baby to say his first words, “Fe, fi, fo, fum.”
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
“Blood Moon”
A long-term scientific study shows that a full moon does not have any effect on the outcome of heart surgery. The only mystery left is how the people who thought it would were called scientists.
The the surgeries were proven not to be directly affected, several of the doctors turned into wolves and ate their patients, who then failed to show up as part of the study.
The the surgeries were proven not to be directly affected, several of the doctors turned into wolves and ate their patients, who then failed to show up as part of the study.
“Out of Alaska”
Sarah Palin is on her first trip to Asia, and spoke today in Hong Kong. The first thing she said was, “I can see my house from here.”
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
“Smoky Flavor”
Tuesday, the new federal ban on fruit, candy, and clove flavored cigarettes took effect. The FDA says that such flavored tobacco products are a gateway to habitual teen smoking. Unfortunately, ever since they revealed that, the flavored crystal-meth business has been booming.
“Crime Doesn’t Pay”
A 91-year-old Palm Beach man thwarted a burglar when he awoke from bed, grabbed his gun, and chased the burglar off by firing a warning shot – all while naked. The man told the burglar to keep his hands in the air, to which the burglar said, “Shoot me if you want. I’m covering my eyes!”
“High Conscience Highness”
Prince Charles is urging the people of Great Britain to walk or use public transportation to get to work. Charles pointed out that he never drives to work, mainly because he doesn’t have a real job.
To really be environmental, the Royal family will start putting solar panels on their teeth.
To really be environmental, the Royal family will start putting solar panels on their teeth.
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