“Snow Globe”

http://news.yahoo.com/s/space/20100430/sc_space/giantblizzardragingonsaturn

The planet Saturn experienced a massive blizzard this week, exciting amateur astronomers who were able to witness the phenomenon. Meanwhile, children on Saturn were excited because school was cancelled.

In a related story, hot cocoa sales on Saturn have more than doubled.

“Comic Relief”

http://www.usatoday.com/life/comics/2010-04-30-FCBD-creators30-ST_N.htm

Saturday was the annual Free Comic Book Day, a comics publishers’ chance to interest new readers, and to hook comics fans into new titles. In either case, it amounts to one thing: Merry Christmas, nerds.

If you don't get free comics this Saturday, and you're male, take some consolation in the fact that you've kissed a girl.

“Cyclone of Information”

http://www.usatoday.com/weather/research/2010-04-30-tornado-research_N.htm

A large group of research scientists gathered in Oklahoma this weekend to begin searching for tornados. Their top priority is to learn why the movie Twister was so bad.

“Oil and Water”

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20100430/ap_on_bi_ge/us_louisiana_oil_rig_explosion_303

The Gulf of Mexico oil spill spread to the marshland shores of Louisiana Friday, which is bad news for the animals and the environmental organizations trying to protect them. Its good news, though, for people who like their fish packed in oil.

“Hate to Burst NASA’s Balloon”

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/ondeadline/post/2010/04/nasa-balloon-crashes-on-take-off-in-australia-destroying-telescope/1

A NASA balloon intended to lift a gamma-ray telescope into the atmosphere Thursday crashed on take-off, destroying the telescope and overturning an SUV in its path. Said a NASA spokesman, “That’s the last time we use a Toyota balloon.”

The gamma ray telescope was completely destroyed, but nobody was exposed to actual gamma rays… except Dr. Bruce Banner, currently unaccounted for.

“We’ll Always Have Paris”

http://www.usatoday.com/life/people/2010-04-29-paris-hilton-suit_N.htm

A lawsuit is asking Paris Hilton to return her $1 million pay for the box-office flop Pledge This!, with investors alleging that Paris did not promote the film as her contract dictated, causing it to fail. In the spirit of true justice, Paris is also being asked to pay $10 back to everyone who has ever had to see her in any movie.

“Husband Hunter” or “The Wife or Reille”

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/entertainment/post/2010/04/rielle-hunter-refuses-to-tell-oprah-status-of-edwards-relationship/1

John Edwards’ mistress Rielle Hunter told Oprah Winfrey that she did not wreck Edwards marriage. John Edwards responded, “If that means she just wanted to have a threesome with Elizabeth and me, I’m still in.”

Reille refused to comment on the current status of her relationship with Edwards, implying that she was, for the time being, still content with the title of “home-wrecker.”

“Election Pageantry”

http://blogs.ajc.com/political-insider-jim-galloway/2010/04/28/your-morning-jolt-the-woman-who-beat-sarah-palin-takes-aim-at-the-house/?cxntfid=blogs_political_insider_jim_galloway

Maryline Blackburn, the woman who beat Sarah Palin in the 1984 Miss Alaska pageant, is running as a Democrat for a state legislature seat in Georgia. Members of both parties hope the two former rivals reunite for a full-on cat-fight.

In the 1984 contest that led Blackburn to the Miss America pageant, her talent was singing. Palin’s was quitting.

“Youth in Asia” or “What Do You a Want, a Medal?”

http://sports.yahoo.com/olympics/news?slug=txgymunderagegymnast

The International Olympic Committee stripped China of its 2000 Olympic bronze medal for gymnastics, after an investigation proved that one of their athletes had been too young to compete. This brings shame upon China, but not its athletes for the next Olympics, because they haven’t been born yet.

Questions arose about the age of China’s gymnasts at the 2008 Games, but investigators didn’t get to interview them, because the athletes’ mommies and daddies don’t let them talk to strangers.

“Baby Boy Bullock”

http://omg.yahoo.com/blogs/goddess/sandra-bullock-reveals-she-secretly-adopted-baby-boy/391/?nc

This week Sandra Bullock revealed to People Magazine that she secretly adopted an African-American baby boy in New Orleans in January. He is 3 months old, is already 7 feet tall and hopes to some day play football for the Ravens.

The thing Sandra loves most about her new baby is that he’s not cheating on her with Michelle “Bombshell” McGee.

“Don’t Mess with Texas’ Governor” or “Coyote Deadly”

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20100427/ap_on_re_us/us_governor_shoots_coyote

Texas Governor Rick Perry told the press Tuesday that he shot and killed a coyote that appeared to be coming after his Labrador puppy, who was running alongside him on a morning jog. The coyote kill was then celebrated by roadrunners everywhere.

Citizens of Texas were shocked over the incident. They couldn’t believe that their own governor would jog.

“Toyota Unstable”

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/driveon/post/2010/04/toyota-recalling-03-sequoia-suv-to-fix-stability-control-software/1

Toyota has issued another recall, this time for the 2003 Sequoia SUV, over a stability control software issue. No accidents or injuries have been reported, but Toyota warns owners to watch out for other Toyotas with failed brakes before they smash into you.

Toyota says that Sequoia owners can either bring their vehicle into a dealership for a software fix or, better yet, just push it over a cliff and buy a Ford.

“Slick Trick” or “The Coast is Clearing”

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/ondeadline/post/2010/04/report-oil-spill-in-gulf-of-mexico-set-on-fire/1

Last week’s oil rig explosion near Louisiana’s coast caused an oil spill threatening nearby land and wildlife, prompting the U.S. Coast Guard to set the oil spill on fire so it would burn off while still a safe distance from shore. This marks the first time the Coast Guard has ever gotten to do anything cool.

"Seinfeld Curse"

http://www.usatoday.com/life/people/2010-04-27-jason-alexander-accident_N.htm

Seinfeld star Jason Alexander hit a teen cyclist with his car on Tuesday, but luckily the boy wasn’t seriously hurt. As for Alexander, it was his first hit since Seinfeld.

“You’ve Been Sold, Charlie Brown”

http://www.usatoday.com/money/media/2010-04-27-peanuts-rights-sold_N.htm

The Peanuts characters were sold Tuesday to retail brand license company Iconix for $175 million. The company plans to make that money back through Lucy, one 5-cent psychiatry session at a time.

Peanuts creator Charles Schulz’ family will still retain a minority ownership and called the transition bittersweet. Specifically, it’s a “good grief.”

The $175 million does not include funds to repair Snoopy’s doghouse so he can take another run at the Red Baron.

Fans can hardly wait to see if all this new pressure helps Charlie Brown finally kick the football.

An Iconix spokesman proudly said, “wah wah-wuh, wah-wah, wu wah wuh-wa whah,”

“Uk-Raining Eggs”

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/ondeadline/post/2010/04/smoke-bombs-egg-throwing-disrupt-ukrainian-vote-on-russian-bases/1

In Ukraine, Parliament members threw eggs at fellow members who supported their new president in extending the Russian navy’s use of a Ukrainian Black Sea port by 25 years. Those hit were very embarrassed, both to be covered in raw egg, and to be in the Ukrainian Parliament.

Once the eggs began being thrown, everyone scrambled.

Those opposing Russia’s extension aren’t saying the Ukrainian president is afraid of Russia, but they did say he was the one who laid the eggs they threw.

Parliament then did the only thing they could do; they got together and made a huge Russian omelet.

“Turkeys' Day”

http://www.usatoday.com/news/nation/2010-04-26-wild-turkey_N.htm

Police and Animal Control authorities say that the growing population of wild turkeys nationwide has lead to more suburban encounters with the fearless and sometimes aggressive birds. The simplest solution to get them to keep their distance: dress like a Pilgrim.

Critics want action to be taken because, they say, every day more and more turkeys are taking our jobs or getting on welfare.

“Minor Damage”

http://abcnews.go.com/US/wireStory?id=10463024

The manager of a Detroit strip club was arrested after it was discovered that a girl working as a dancer was only 14 years old. Police say he should have known she was underage because she preferred to be tipped with cookies and milk.

The manager claims he didn’t know she was so young. He said, “She was just like all the other dancers: she was pretty, wore a lot of make-up, and had a 7^th grade education.”

They should have known she was too young. On stage, when she slid down the pole, she said, “Whee!”

The manager should have realized how young she was. Her G-string was UndeRoos.

The girl had a fake ID, but the club should have known she wasn’t really 18: she doesn’t even have a baby.

She didn’t mind taking off her clothes, but she threw a temper tantrum when she had to pick them up from the stage.

The girl invited one of her regulars back to her crib, and it was actually a crib.

“Bush Tome”

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/theoval/post/2010/04/bush-memoir-43s-most-critical-and-historic-decisions/1

Crown Publishers announced the upcoming release of Former President George W. Bush’s presidential memoirs, centered on the best decisions of his career. It will be titled The Paths Not Taken.

The publishers insist that Bush’s memoir is a presidential first: the entire manuscript was written in crayon.

The book highlights Bush’s decisions through the most challenging moments of his presidency, including 9/11, the Iraq war, Hurricane Katrina, and more. But every single chapter ends with “Decided to do what Mr. Cheney told me to.”

Bush’s book really does mark an historical moment. It’s the first time anyone has ever written a book without ever having read one.

Bush says that now that he has found his literary voice, he looks forward to continuing to be a litterer.

“One Leg Ahead of the Rest”

http://www.usatoday.com/sports/olympics/summer/track/2010-04-25-amputee-runner_N.htm?se=yahoorefer

Amy Palmeiro-Winters made sports history this week, becoming the first amputee named to a national U.S. track and field team after qualifying in Arizona in January. Her win there is what gave her a leg up.

Had her prosthetic leg disqualified her, she would have been hopping mad.

Amy admits she has faced many challenges, but has always been able to run from them.