Bail Out of Comedy Blog Demanded

Due to the current economic crisis, felt nationwide amid massive layoffs, roller-coaster stock prices, and shaky consumer confidence, not to mention tremendous media fear-mongering, I have reached an important decision. I have called on the United States government to bail out this blog.

Never a profitable venture, since it has no way of earning or collecting any type of money, I feel that in order to maintain and uphold News Riffs Comedy as a continued source for political satire, entertainment parody, and occasional arbitrary silliness as a service to the online community, I can no longer go it alone. I won't ask employees to make any sacrifices, because I don't employ anyone. I can't expect the share-holders to take any further risk, because there are no shares or holders.

Therefore, having no other reasonable alternatives, I turn to the U.S. government, who have recently enacted emergency legislation for many of those affected by the housing crisis, signed off on a $700 billion bank industry aid package, and is now considering an auto industry bailout. I assure them, I want the help just as bad as those other guys, and I will use it just as wisely. Take care of yourself, first!The one big difference is I am not asking them for money. Not one dollar. I am requesting a much more meaningful level of assistance. I want Congress to approve the federal writing and posting of jokes, not just on my blog, but everywhere Americans need to laugh. Federal courts in particular.

If I could subsidize this blog with government-composed prose aimed at light, topical humor, it would make a world of difference. A few times a week, a headline, odd bit of news, or an update on the personal issues of a celebrity could surely use Old Glory's comedic touch.

This could also be great public relations for the government, too. Right now, the news footage each night is pretty grim, with most federal efforts being overshadowed by the war, the economy, and other negatively received information. A small shift in focus from, say, military spending to joke-writing might be just the thing to show the White House and Congress in a much more positive light. After all, is the pen not mightier than the sword?

The help is desperately needed, and there is plenty of evidence to support that. For one thing, comedy is hard, especially topical humor. Current events are depressing. That's not entirely the government's fault. It's TV journalism, mostly. Freedom of the press is an important right, but it can be abused. Ihe media wages news on us every day. It’s us versus them. And the public enables that abuse by eating it up every day, one sound byte at a time.

So, why help me and my little joke blog? Well, even I have to admit that both the quantity and quality of the content of the blog varies widely. Obviously, the easy solution is to have the government help by writing a little material themselves. I don't care if they do it individually or by committee. I'm not particular about who gets credit for drafting or authoring what. I don't care if the jokes are voted for. As long as it's a bipartison effort. Just remember, the Supreme Court doesn't get to judge; the audience does.

So bail me out, Uncle Sam. I'm not saying I deserve it, and I'm certainly not claiming that it should be your responsibility to do so in a heavily competitive world market for comedy. But it would sure make things a lot easier for me if you would just come up with the jokes for me. Or, have the media help you out. Government does the set-up, and the media does the punch-line. The perfect comedy team.

I will say, I think you can do it. From my perspective as a long-time observer of both government policy-making and execution, and all the news organizations’ op-ed sensationalism disguised as reporting, I hope you'll take my word for it when I say: you guys really are hilarious.