Thursday, December 31, 2009
“Running on Fumes”
A woman passed out and arrested in a stolen car may have set a South Dakota state record for blood alcohol level, which was .708. The legal limit is .08. The only person more drunk while in the driver’s seat got off on a technicality, when David Hasselhoff was behind the wheel of a car that drove itself.
“AT&T Cuts the Line”
AT&T has dropped its sponsorship deal with Tiger Woods. Their complaint was that he was too literal with their old slogan, “Reach out and Touch Someone.”
AT&T claims in its advertising that it offers the best worldwide phone service. Tiger Woods seemed to make a good spokesman, as one who likes to go ‘around the world.’
AT&T had hoped Woods would help promote their popular calling features, such as call waiting and call forwarding, but Tiger was only interested in trying to get a 3 way going.
AT&T claims in its advertising that it offers the best worldwide phone service. Tiger Woods seemed to make a good spokesman, as one who likes to go ‘around the world.’
AT&T had hoped Woods would help promote their popular calling features, such as call waiting and call forwarding, but Tiger was only interested in trying to get a 3 way going.
“Heavy Metal, Heavy Hearts”
Jimmy Sullivan, the drummer for the band Avenged Sevenfold died Monday. There was no sign of foul play, but an autopsy was inconclusive. The band wants to know the cause of death, since that’s how he will be avenged.
“Forget the Ginkgo”
A National Institutes of Health-sponsored study shows that Ginkgo biloba, a popular botanical memory supplement, has no effect on memory, Alzheimer’s disease, or dementia. Doctors revealed these results to their patients, and then a while later, revealed them again.
“Tossed Goss”
Jon Gosselin’s New York apartment was allegedly broken into, robbed, and vandalized over the Christmas weekend. There were no witnesses, but if there is any justice in the world, it was just Santa Claus giving Jon what he really deserved for Christmas.
Gosselin claims that clothing was cut and household items including a family-heirloom vase were broken. Gosselin’s lawyer told him this was good practice to getting used to owning only half his former belongings.
Gosselin claims that clothing was cut and household items including a family-heirloom vase were broken. Gosselin’s lawyer told him this was good practice to getting used to owning only half his former belongings.
Monday, December 28, 2009
“Bank on It”
Tyra Banks told People magazine that this will be the last season of her talk show. Tyra plans to shift focus to her film production company, so that she can use an even bigger medium to annoy people.
“Big Lots”
A shopping mall in Shijiazhuang, China is opening a special underground parking lot just for women drivers, with more lighting and wider spaces to help reduce car collisions. Female mall-goers insist that they are not bad drivers just because they are women; they say it’s because they’re Asian.
The new parking lot will be accompanied by a change to the name of the shopping center to “The Stereotype Mall.”
Designers of the new parking garage are being credited with engineering achievements as well as an award for being “The World’s Most Condescending Parking Structure.”
The new parking lot will be accompanied by a change to the name of the shopping center to “The Stereotype Mall.”
Designers of the new parking garage are being credited with engineering achievements as well as an award for being “The World’s Most Condescending Parking Structure.”
“Gay Argentina”
Two men from Argentina became Latin America’s first legally married gay couple this week. It was the most exciting thing for gay Argentineans since Andrew Lloyd Webber’s Evita!
Details about their wedding have been few, since a Google search of Latin gay marriage only turns up Roman orgies.
Details about their wedding have been few, since a Google search of Latin gay marriage only turns up Roman orgies.
“Where Were You When you Saw That Online Kennedy Shot?”
Gossip site TMZ posted a photo supposedly depicting President John F. Kennedy with naked women on a boat in the 1950’s, which was later revealed to be a hoax. The incident could have seriously marred TMZ’s journalistic integrity, if only they had any.
“Priority List”
Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab, the Nigerian man charged with trying to blow up an Amsterdam flight bound for Detroit on Christmas day was not on Homeland Security’s “no-fly” list, but he was on the lower priority Terrorist Identities Datamart Environment, or TIDE, list of about 550,000 names. Not surprisingly, he was also on Santa’s “Naughty” list.
Thursday, December 24, 2009
“A-Cart-eid”
Former President Jimmy Carter issued an open-letter apology to Jews for his 2006 book which compared Israel to Apartheid-era South Africa. However, he has yet to apologize to the rest of America for his presidency.
“Unpaid Insurance Bill”
The Senate passed its version of the healthcare bill Thursday after a debate that lasted 25 consecutive days. Coincidentally, that’s the exact average most patients wait in their doctor’s waiting rooms.
The cost of the entire packaged legislation is $871 billion, explaining why a piece of legislation is called a “bill.”
Under the plan, employers with more than 50 employees would have to provide health insurance or pay penalties. Perhaps not in the spirit of Christmas, Santa just laid off elves number 51 and up.
Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid accidentally voted “nay” during the roll-call vote, but quickly changed it to an “aye.” This prompted Republicans to quickly attach a rider to the bill to outlaw vote take-backs, as well as finger-crossies and ‘Opposite Day.’
The cost of the entire packaged legislation is $871 billion, explaining why a piece of legislation is called a “bill.”
Under the plan, employers with more than 50 employees would have to provide health insurance or pay penalties. Perhaps not in the spirit of Christmas, Santa just laid off elves number 51 and up.
Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid accidentally voted “nay” during the roll-call vote, but quickly changed it to an “aye.” This prompted Republicans to quickly attach a rider to the bill to outlaw vote take-backs, as well as finger-crossies and ‘Opposite Day.’
“Holiday Cheer”
The holiday of Chanukah celebrates a small portion of oil that was lit in the Jewish Temple’s holy candelabra lasting eight times its natural length of light. If the menorah powered a car, it would have been the first hybrid.
Because the menorah burned oil, Al Gore is protesting Chanukah over the use of fossil fuels.
Some Christian groups are upset at the commercialization of Christmas, and say that Santa Claus gets the attention that should be on the birth of Jesus. Tim Gunn advised the Virgin Mary to dress baby Jesus in red velvet with white faux fur accents.
Because the menorah burned oil, Al Gore is protesting Chanukah over the use of fossil fuels.
Some Christian groups are upset at the commercialization of Christmas, and say that Santa Claus gets the attention that should be on the birth of Jesus. Tim Gunn advised the Virgin Mary to dress baby Jesus in red velvet with white faux fur accents.
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
“Cocoanut Octo-Pi”
Marine biologists near Indonesia observed the first known instance of invertebrates using tools. Octopuses showed remarkable intelligence by building shelters out of cocoanut shells. However, one octopus admitted they got the idea from the Professor on Gilligan’s Island.
Scientists have been very impressed by the octopuses transporting of the materials and building the shelter. Unfortunately, that same transporting and building has pissed off local teamsters.
Scientists have been very impressed by the octopuses transporting of the materials and building the shelter. Unfortunately, that same transporting and building has pissed off local teamsters.
“Short Sentence Ends Long Story”
Richard and Mayumi Heene, the perpetrators of the “Balloon Boy” hoax, were sentenced to 90 and 20 days in jail, respectively, for influencing public officials when the couple staged the stunt. Richard Heene cried at the sentencing as he apologized, because reality show producers love to see that when they are casting.
Going to jail means being stuck in a dwelling surrounded by strangers, having to live on a strict schedule, take orders, and be under constant surveillance. So it’s just like the reality show they Heene’s always wanted.
Going to jail means being stuck in a dwelling surrounded by strangers, having to live on a strict schedule, take orders, and be under constant surveillance. So it’s just like the reality show they Heene’s always wanted.
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
“Criminal Records”
Two armed gunmen robbed a rap studio located in the basement of a Woodland Hills, CA home Monday. When police arrived on the scene, they arrested the rappers out of force of habit.
The value of the stolen items was not reported, but the rap being recorded in the home studio was estimated to be worth nothing.
The gunmen in Woodland Hills robbed the rappers of camera equipment and other items. However, living in Woodland Hills, the rappers robbed themselves of all street cred.
The value of the stolen items was not reported, but the rap being recorded in the home studio was estimated to be worth nothing.
The gunmen in Woodland Hills robbed the rappers of camera equipment and other items. However, living in Woodland Hills, the rappers robbed themselves of all street cred.
“The 9 Commandments”
A priest with the Church of England gave a sermon advising his congregation that those who have fallen on hard times should shoplift if they’ve run out of legal options. This has been deemed great advice, since, when they get caught and go to jail, they’ll have free meals and shelter.
Keep on the lookout for homeless people holding up cardboard signs that say “Will Work for Bail Money.”
The priest says he is not ashamed of his views, but if that’s true, then why is he always wearing that ski-mask?
Some are calling for the priest to be removed from his position. If he does wind up jobless, security will be watching him very carefully at every store he enters.
The priest is a vicar in York, England. Though, with his casual attitude towards stealing, some think he might really be from New York.
The priest has seen some negative consequences to his sermon, such as criticism from police, disagreement with Church officials, and the disappearance of all his furniture and silverware.
Keep on the lookout for homeless people holding up cardboard signs that say “Will Work for Bail Money.”
The priest says he is not ashamed of his views, but if that’s true, then why is he always wearing that ski-mask?
Some are calling for the priest to be removed from his position. If he does wind up jobless, security will be watching him very carefully at every store he enters.
The priest is a vicar in York, England. Though, with his casual attitude towards stealing, some think he might really be from New York.
The priest has seen some negative consequences to his sermon, such as criticism from police, disagreement with Church officials, and the disappearance of all his furniture and silverware.
“Maine Line”
The state of Maine is considering legislation to require cell phones to bear labels saying that they can cause brain cancer, even though the FCC says that cell phones sold in the U.S. are safe. Nationwide, this is the first time many are even being made aware of the existence of Maine.
“Driving the Point”
School systems nationwide are trimming driver’s ed curriculum due to budget cuts. The fear is that students who don’t get the training may wind up driving like Tiger Woods.
Students who can’t afford expensive private instruction are likely to just get a crash course.
Students who can’t afford expensive private instruction are likely to just get a crash course.
“Ballooned Budget”
Richard and Mayumi Heene, the parents responsible for the “Balloon Boy” hoax, have been served a bill of $42,000 for expenses including police, National Guard, and FAA resources called into service in rescue efforts. The Heenes have counter-offered the government full rights and ownership of their six year old son.
The Heenes say they don’t have that kind of money. They would have, but Jon Gosselin narrowly beat Richard Heene out of the prize money for Douchebag of the Year.
The Heenes say they don’t have that kind of money. They would have, but Jon Gosselin narrowly beat Richard Heene out of the prize money for Douchebag of the Year.
“Into the Eye of the Stem”
British doctors have successfully used adult stem cells to restore vision in 8 patients who had blindness in one eye. Stem cells from the ‘good’ eye were transplanted into the damaged eye, restoring the cornea. The British scientists hope to use similar technology to repair teeth, if they can ever find a British person with one ‘good’ tooth.
In the procedure, stem cells were extracted from the cornea, cultured in a lab, and then transplanted. The technique would be the same in America, except the stem cells wouldn’t be as cultured.
In the procedure, stem cells were extracted from the cornea, cultured in a lab, and then transplanted. The technique would be the same in America, except the stem cells wouldn’t be as cultured.
Monday, December 21, 2009
“Way Underage Drinking”
In Tennessee, a 4 year old boy was found drunk outdoors, wearing a dress he stole from a neighbor. The boy’s mother says he was acting out over her pending divorce from his father, who is in jail. Even worse, kids at preschool nick-named him David Hasselhoff Jr..
Despite his troubles, the boy is actually quite bright. Most Tennessee boys don’t start making their own moonshine until they're 8 or 9.
The legal age to drink is 21, but in Tennessee, cops start looking the other way when you’re about 13.
Even after the divorce, the Tennessee parents will still be brother and sister.
Despite his troubles, the boy is actually quite bright. Most Tennessee boys don’t start making their own moonshine until they're 8 or 9.
The legal age to drink is 21, but in Tennessee, cops start looking the other way when you’re about 13.
Even after the divorce, the Tennessee parents will still be brother and sister.
“Nazi Crime”
The Auschwitz concentration camp’s infamous “Work sets you free” has been recovered, following its theft last week. The sign will be restored, and Polish authorities say tighter security will include lights, as soon as they can get a ladder and a team of 4 men to change the bulb.
Last week the world was shocked by the theft. In a place that’s famous world-wide for horror, atrocities, and death, the last thing you expect is vandalism.
Despite the fame of the sign, which loomed over the entrance to the camp, work did not set the prisoners free; the Russian army did.
Even though the sign has been found, Mel Gibson still maintains that there had never been one.
Last week the world was shocked by the theft. In a place that’s famous world-wide for horror, atrocities, and death, the last thing you expect is vandalism.
Despite the fame of the sign, which loomed over the entrance to the camp, work did not set the prisoners free; the Russian army did.
Even though the sign has been found, Mel Gibson still maintains that there had never been one.
“Desert Foxes”
A choir teacher in Phoenix, AZ has been placed on administrative leave for bringing students to a downtown Hooters restaurant for lunch following a performance. Some feel that this was an over-reaction. Surely Hooters girls had seen high school students before.
The choir director thought she was protecting the kids. By taking them to lunch before returning to campus, it was two more hours before the choir geeks could be beaten up by the school’s jocks.
The choir director thought she was protecting the kids. By taking them to lunch before returning to campus, it was two more hours before the choir geeks could be beaten up by the school’s jocks.
Friday, December 18, 2009
“Jon & Kate Plus Hate”
Jon and Kate Gosselin’s divorce became final on Friday, with Kate retaining the family home and primary custody of all 8 children. Kate also gets exclusive use of her awful hairstyle, because no one else would want it.
Jon retains exclusive rights to the title “douche of all douches,” but only for one year, after which, the title will be shared by the Guidos on Jersey Shore.
Often, the real losers in a divorce are the children, but in this case, the real loser is still Jon.
Their legal split was settled as a no-fault divorce, but only because the state of Pennsylvania had no provision for a TLC’s fault divorce.
Jon and Kate both say that they still may even be willing to try to reconcile, if not for themselves, at least for the sake of their beloved ratings.
Jon retains exclusive rights to the title “douche of all douches,” but only for one year, after which, the title will be shared by the Guidos on Jersey Shore.
Often, the real losers in a divorce are the children, but in this case, the real loser is still Jon.
Their legal split was settled as a no-fault divorce, but only because the state of Pennsylvania had no provision for a TLC’s fault divorce.
Jon and Kate both say that they still may even be willing to try to reconcile, if not for themselves, at least for the sake of their beloved ratings.
“Not Orphan Enough”
A Duke University study concluded that children who live in an orphanages fare as well, physically and emotionally, as children in family homes. Upon hearing this, the Gosselins’ 8 children all moved to an orphanage.
The university’s biggest challenge for the study was to travel back in time 60 years to find an orphanage.
The study’s methods may be called into question, since their research included the observation that Little Orphan Annie sang and danced just as well at Miss Hannigan’s orphanage as she did at Daddy Warbucks’ mansion.
This research is being viewed with such skepticism that Duke University is putting the whole department up for adoption.
The university’s biggest challenge for the study was to travel back in time 60 years to find an orphanage.
The study’s methods may be called into question, since their research included the observation that Little Orphan Annie sang and danced just as well at Miss Hannigan’s orphanage as she did at Daddy Warbucks’ mansion.
This research is being viewed with such skepticism that Duke University is putting the whole department up for adoption.
“Going Green”
The United States, China, India, and South Africa reached an agreement at the United Nations Climate Change Conference on Friday. They pledged to combat global warming by burning billions of dollars.
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
“Down Under Downloading”
The Australian government is set to introduce nationwide, mandatory Internet filtering to block access to certain types of content depicting violent or sexual crimes. The biggest shock so far is that Australia has a government.
The filter would impact all of Australia’s 21 million Internet users. That’s 11 million if you discount kangaroos and crocodiles.
The filter technology won’t actually get rid of porn in Australia, but it will alter the image so that every person’s body will appear to have the head of Paul Hogan.
Thankfully, the filter will not give all audio an Australian accent.
The filter would impact all of Australia’s 21 million Internet users. That’s 11 million if you discount kangaroos and crocodiles.
The filter technology won’t actually get rid of porn in Australia, but it will alter the image so that every person’s body will appear to have the head of Paul Hogan.
Thankfully, the filter will not give all audio an Australian accent.
“Plane as Day”
Boeing’s 787 Dreamliner made its first test flight from Washington state today. Despite two years of delays, it was still the closest to “on-time” scheduled passenger flight since 9/11.
“Cell Block”
Charles Barkley said that Tiger Woods changed the number of his cellular telephone the day after his now infamous car accident, and that tiger has not been in contact with many of his celebrity/athlete friends. In a related story, Tiger has been busy, having sex with a dozen mistresses.
Sir Charles, maybe he’s just not that into you.
Rumor has it, before his scandal broke, Tiger had been looking for stronger signal strength. Not from his cell phone, from women who wanted to get busy with him.
Tiger will now be a sprint man. Not the wireless carrier Sprint; he’ll be running for his life if his wife if she catches him cheating again.
Sir Charles, maybe he’s just not that into you.
Rumor has it, before his scandal broke, Tiger had been looking for stronger signal strength. Not from his cell phone, from women who wanted to get busy with him.
Tiger will now be a sprint man. Not the wireless carrier Sprint; he’ll be running for his life if his wife if she catches him cheating again.
Friday, December 11, 2009
“Jacksons’ Action”
The Jacksons: A Family Dynasty debuts this Sunday, featuring Jackie, Tito, Jermaine, and Marlon Jackson. The A & E Network had decided to pick up the series based on the success of Hoarders, their other reality show about people who can’t let go and just hang on to things forever, no matter how old and useless they’ve become.
The show is expected to be a warm, fuzzy family chronicle, until father Joe Jackson starts hanging out with Jon Goselin and douches it all up.
Some have accused the brothers of doing the show as a way to exploit their former fame to make money. In their defense, however, the needed the money to buy tickets to see Michael’s movie, This Is It.
The show is expected to be a warm, fuzzy family chronicle, until father Joe Jackson starts hanging out with Jon Goselin and douches it all up.
Some have accused the brothers of doing the show as a way to exploit their former fame to make money. In their defense, however, the needed the money to buy tickets to see Michael’s movie, This Is It.
“Carolina Governor’s Marriage Goes South”
South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford’s wife Jenny has filed for divorce, following the governor’s summer scandal over an affair with an Argentinean woman. Upon hearing the news, Tiger Woods prepared to make his move on her.
Thursday, December 10, 2009
“Mouse House Arrest”
Patrick Disney Miller, a grandson of Walt Disney, was arrested at his home on Thursday for illegal gun possession and for selling ammunition. Disney Miller described jail as “The Unhappiest Place on Earth.”
The Disney progeny did not resist arrest, but was described by police as extremely animated.
Rather than get an attorney to help with his defense, Miller plans to wish upon a star.
The Disney progeny did not resist arrest, but was described by police as extremely animated.
Rather than get an attorney to help with his defense, Miller plans to wish upon a star.
“Forgetting a Bad Memory”
NYU Scientists seeking treatment options for post traumatic stress say that they have discovered a way to change the response to fearful memories. It’s called alcohol.
What was promising is that the subjects of the study were able to change a negative memory response to a specific event. Less promising: because the subjects were from New York, they could remember an event any way you want for 50 bucks.
What was promising is that the subjects of the study were able to change a negative memory response to a specific event. Less promising: because the subjects were from New York, they could remember an event any way you want for 50 bucks.
“Peace of the Action”
In his speech in Oslo, Norway Thursday, President Barack Obama defended the 2 current U.S. wars as he accepting the Nobel Peace Prize. He was also then awarded the Nobel Prize for Irony.
As a Nobel laureate, Obama joins the ranks of Martin Luther King, Jr., the Dalai Lama, Nelson Mandela, Mother Teresa, and some white people.
As a Nobel laureate, Obama joins the ranks of Martin Luther King, Jr., the Dalai Lama, Nelson Mandela, Mother Teresa, and some white people.
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
“WHO Knows”
The World Health Organization says that smoking kills 5 million people every year. The tobacco industry’s reply is that millions of customers are not only satisfied; they are completely at peace.
Big Tobacco has proposed a new strategy to market only to people without jobs. If they can kill only those people, they will wipe out unemployment in 4 years.
Big Tobacco has proposed a new strategy to market only to people without jobs. If they can kill only those people, they will wipe out unemployment in 4 years.
“Is It In You?”
Gatorade announced Tuesday that they were dropping their Tiger Woods-themed line of sports drinks. This is a real setback for Tiger, not just financially, but physically, since now we know how much he has been losing fluids.
Tiger was hoping to get a new line of products with Gatorade, such as the delicious Car crash Splash and the refreshing Fire Hydrant Slam.
Based on the state of his marriage: Sour Relationship Lemon, Blue Icy Stare, and with half the calories, 50% Property Division Blast.
And based on his extra-curricular relationships: Unbridled Passion Fruit, Illicit citrus Twist, Many Mistress Mango, and of course, Penis Colada.
Tiger was hoping to get a new line of products with Gatorade, such as the delicious Car crash Splash and the refreshing Fire Hydrant Slam.
Based on the state of his marriage: Sour Relationship Lemon, Blue Icy Stare, and with half the calories, 50% Property Division Blast.
And based on his extra-curricular relationships: Unbridled Passion Fruit, Illicit citrus Twist, Many Mistress Mango, and of course, Penis Colada.
“Cosmetic Justice” or “Making Up Evidence”
A neo-Nazi on trial for murder in Florida is having court-ordered makeup applied to his face each day to cover a large swastika and other offensive tattoos, so as not to prejudice the jury. Said one legal analyst, “If the mascara doesn’t make his eyes pop, the electric chair will.”
As the jury decides whether or not to convict him of hate crimes, they will also ponder, “Maybe he was born with it. Maybe it’s Maybeline.”
As the jury decides whether or not to convict him of hate crimes, they will also ponder, “Maybe he was born with it. Maybe it’s Maybeline.”
“Caged In”
Nicolas Cage’s ex-girlfriend is suing the movie star for millions of dollars for failing to provide her with money and a house. People who saw Cage’s films Knowing, Next, and National Treasure: Book of Secrets are also suing him for failing to provide entertainment.
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
“Sex Crimes”
The country of Uganda is considering a measure to outlaw homosexuality with harsh punishments, including prison sentences for those “aiding and abetting” gays as accessories to their “crimes.” The bill is promoting outrage, as everyone knows that gays need their accessories.
“Partying Down”
The National Highway Traffic safety commission says drunk driving fatalities dropped 7% in just one year. That’s because working people can’t afford booze and the unemployed got their cars repossessed.
The bad economy provides another bonus. After people get drunk they don’t have to drive home when they get to their car, because they are living in their car.
The bad economy provides another bonus. After people get drunk they don’t have to drive home when they get to their car, because they are living in their car.
“Epic Episcopal Vote”
The Episcopal Diocese of Los Angeles has elected its second openly gay bishop, a lesbian reverend. Episcopalians opposing gay bishops have been assured that their numbers will not grow out of proportion. Especially since the gay male and female bishops refuse to mate.
In a chess game between supporters and detractors over this issue, church leaders have been unsure which way to go, leaving all the bishops only moving diagonally.
In a chess game between supporters and detractors over this issue, church leaders have been unsure which way to go, leaving all the bishops only moving diagonally.
Monday, December 7, 2009
“Space Case”
The first commercial spaceship in history was unveiled Monday by Virgin Galactic. Owner Sir Richard Branson had chosen the company’s name to honor all science geeks who ever tried to build their own spaceship.
Potential passengers will be of two varieties: the super-rich who will enjoy the prestige, novelty and adventure of a pleasure ride into space, and the desperately poor who can’t find a job here on Earth.
Rival companies are working on top-secret technology to compete in the space travel business. Branson, however, is sure that by the time any of them are successful, he’ll have completed building the Death Star in orbit to shoot them down.
Potential passengers will be of two varieties: the super-rich who will enjoy the prestige, novelty and adventure of a pleasure ride into space, and the desperately poor who can’t find a job here on Earth.
Rival companies are working on top-secret technology to compete in the space travel business. Branson, however, is sure that by the time any of them are successful, he’ll have completed building the Death Star in orbit to shoot them down.
Thursday, December 3, 2009
“Santa’s Slay”
A suburban mall near Atlanta was evacuated Wednesday after a man who showed up dressed in elf costume told the mall’s Santa that he was carrying dynamite. The man was arrested for making terrorist threats, meaning he will be on a Homeland Security Watchlist, which Santa will check twice.
Police had to take the threat of explosives seriously, because, even though the dynamite wasn’t real, neither is Santa Claus.
A bomb squad official pointed out that if the dynamite had been real, there would have been serious danger even if the elf hadn’t detonated it, because at any time, Rudolph could have shown up with his nose lit and blown everything sky-high.
The suspect will undergo psychiatric evaluation. Experts say that it is most likely that the poor elf just wanted to be a dentist.
The evacuation of the mall went without further incident. Once shoppers left, not a creature was stirring; not even a mouse.
After the incident, Santa’s cheeks were rosy red, mainly because he’d crapped himself.
Police had to take the threat of explosives seriously, because, even though the dynamite wasn’t real, neither is Santa Claus.
A bomb squad official pointed out that if the dynamite had been real, there would have been serious danger even if the elf hadn’t detonated it, because at any time, Rudolph could have shown up with his nose lit and blown everything sky-high.
The suspect will undergo psychiatric evaluation. Experts say that it is most likely that the poor elf just wanted to be a dentist.
The evacuation of the mall went without further incident. Once shoppers left, not a creature was stirring; not even a mouse.
After the incident, Santa’s cheeks were rosy red, mainly because he’d crapped himself.
“Boyle Blows Up”
Singer Susan Boyle’s first album, I Dreamed a Dream, debuted at number 1 on the U.S. album charts, also becoming the top first-week seller of 2009. Experts attribute her success to fans confusing her with the title character in Shrek, The Musical.
Until Boyle’s album release, this year’s leader had been Eminem, for his album Relapse. This means that Susan Boyle will now have to be a part of a stunt where Sasha Baron Cohen’s butt lands on her face.
Her popularity here in the U.S. means she is already sitting pretty to record another album. Well, she’s sitting, anyway.
Boyle also broke the record for a female artist album debut, previously held by Ashanti for her self-titled 2002 release. This means Susan Boyle is, by every account, the biggest woman in music today.
Until Boyle’s album release, this year’s leader had been Eminem, for his album Relapse. This means that Susan Boyle will now have to be a part of a stunt where Sasha Baron Cohen’s butt lands on her face.
Her popularity here in the U.S. means she is already sitting pretty to record another album. Well, she’s sitting, anyway.
Boyle also broke the record for a female artist album debut, previously held by Ashanti for her self-titled 2002 release. This means Susan Boyle is, by every account, the biggest woman in music today.
“Homily Heckling”
A comedy club in a Texas strip mall and their next door neighbor, a church, are having a dispute over noise from the church’s night-time services. What bothers the comics most is that the services are often funnier than the comics.
To make everyone happy, as a compromise, the club’s comedians will start speaking in tongues and the church will institute a two-drink minimum.
To make everyone happy, as a compromise, the club’s comedians will start speaking in tongues and the church will institute a two-drink minimum.
“Wrapped in Cable”
Cable giant Comcast is taking control of NBC Universal, making them the largest entertainment company in America. Comcast’s first goal is to gradually turn NBC into a television network.
Forging a deal with General Electric took time and careful negotiation. Their joint venture gives Comcast 51% control of NBC, Bravo, CNBC. MSNBC, Oxygen, Telemundo, and USA Network, but also leaves them stuck with The Jay Leno Show.
Forging a deal with General Electric took time and careful negotiation. Their joint venture gives Comcast 51% control of NBC, Bravo, CNBC. MSNBC, Oxygen, Telemundo, and USA Network, but also leaves them stuck with The Jay Leno Show.
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
“Start Spreading the News”
New York State’s legislature rejected a bill to allow gay marriage in the state on Wednesday. The bill died in the state Senate, with 24 “yea” votes and 38 “Eh, fugget-about-it” votes.
New York is generally considered welcoming to gays, especially New York City, which even named one of its boroughs Queens.
Apparently, when state lawmakers had said before the vote that they support gay causes, they just meant Broadway.
Over the last several years, it seemed as though New York’s citizens had given more support to gays, and lesbians in particular, as evidenced when they elected Hillary Clinton to the Senate.
New York is generally considered welcoming to gays, especially New York City, which even named one of its boroughs Queens.
Apparently, when state lawmakers had said before the vote that they support gay causes, they just meant Broadway.
Over the last several years, it seemed as though New York’s citizens had given more support to gays, and lesbians in particular, as evidenced when they elected Hillary Clinton to the Senate.
“Money in the Bank”
Bank of America says it will pay back the $5 billion it received in federal bailout money amid controversy of its use of assets, including million-dollar-plus cash “awards’ for executives. B of A will then charge every U.S. taxpayer a massive fee for handling their money for them.
Since the government was supposed to take back the money on a later timeline, B of A now plans to charge them a substantial penalty for early withdrawal.
The bank says it will repay all the money and receive no benefit from it… other than the normal advantages of being able to borrow $45 billion, interest-free.
Bank of America were able to use taxpayer dollars to lavish huge salaries and bonuses on their executives, thanks to the same technology they use to roll their bank vault doors open and closed: balls of steel.
Since the government was supposed to take back the money on a later timeline, B of A now plans to charge them a substantial penalty for early withdrawal.
The bank says it will repay all the money and receive no benefit from it… other than the normal advantages of being able to borrow $45 billion, interest-free.
Bank of America were able to use taxpayer dollars to lavish huge salaries and bonuses on their executives, thanks to the same technology they use to roll their bank vault doors open and closed: balls of steel.
“Star’s Out”
Astronomers in Germany this week published reports of observing a supernova of a massive star with the mass of 200 of our suns; an event on a scale never before seen. The star blew up with so much force and velocity, to be so widely seen, it will be named ‘Taylor Swift.’
Monday, November 30, 2009
“Dinner Roll”
The House Homeland Security Committee and the Secret Service are investigating to learn how a couple without an invitation slipped in to a state dinner last week. So far, the investigation has only revealed the couple’s identity: Vince Vaughn and Owen Wilson.
Despite the couple’s brashness, Joe Biden insists that he personally stuck to the “plus one” rule.
The couple’s motive for crashing the dinner remains unclear, though in this economy, the obvious motive would be free food.
Despite the couple’s brashness, Joe Biden insists that he personally stuck to the “plus one” rule.
The couple’s motive for crashing the dinner remains unclear, though in this economy, the obvious motive would be free food.
“Tiger Attack”
Golfer Tiger Woods crashed his car into a fire hydrant and then a tree near his house late Friday night. Woods claims it happened because he didn’t have a caddy to help him get a better driver.
Tabloids have made o much of the incident, especially since he hit a hydrant, and then kept going until he hit a tree. It did seem odd that Tiger would lead with an iron and then go to the wood.
Among the tabloid rumors is a story that Tiger fled his home after being assaulted by his wife over an alleged affair. The only way to substantiate these rumors, however, would be if Tiger were married to Chris Brown.
Tabloids have made o much of the incident, especially since he hit a hydrant, and then kept going until he hit a tree. It did seem odd that Tiger would lead with an iron and then go to the wood.
Among the tabloid rumors is a story that Tiger fled his home after being assaulted by his wife over an alleged affair. The only way to substantiate these rumors, however, would be if Tiger were married to Chris Brown.
“Primate Crime”
In a coastal town in South Africa, tourists have routinely been having their cars broken into by baboons seeking food. The problem has recently grown worse, as some baboons have become more aggressive, joined gangs, or resorted to prostitution.
Experts say that baboons in the wild will generally work for food by hunting, scavenging, or holding up a newborn Lion King.
The baboons have learned to open car doors and jump through windows, and are now working on learning to talk and enslaving man under Ape Law.
Experts say that baboons in the wild will generally work for food by hunting, scavenging, or holding up a newborn Lion King.
The baboons have learned to open car doors and jump through windows, and are now working on learning to talk and enslaving man under Ape Law.
NEW BABY!
I hope everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving holiday. My family did, I'm proud to say, as we welcomed a new baby girl, Ariella Rivka on November 20th.
Thursday, November 19, 2009
“Plane Language”
An FAA software failure Thursday morning caused dozens of flight delays across the country. Passengers who faced flight cancellations and long waits got some relief from the distraction of huge stupid fees for checking their luggage.
The glitch meant that air traffic controllers had to enter information manually. Making matters worse, if they wanted to talk to controllers at other airports, they had to pay $5 to rent the headphones.
The glitch meant that air traffic controllers had to enter information manually. Making matters worse, if they wanted to talk to controllers at other airports, they had to pay $5 to rent the headphones.
“Big Money On Campus”
University of California students gathered on campuses Thursday to protest the approval of a 32% hike in student fees. Students are angry at the university; some about the money, but most because they can’t figure out the math.
“Lit Kerry Scene”
Senator John Kerry’s daughter Alexandra Kerry was arrested for alleged drunk driving late Wednesday night in Hollywood. LAPD could tell it was Kerry’s daughter by her driving: she had a substantial lead on them, but blew it by veering too far to the left.
Miss Kerry was released on bail early Thursday morning. When she left the police station she looked remorseful, at least judging by her long, long face.
Miss Kerry was released on bail early Thursday morning. When she left the police station she looked remorseful, at least judging by her long, long face.
“Oprah’s Swan Song”
On Friday, TV icon Oprah Winfrey will announce plans to end her eponymous talk show in 2011. This means one thing: the Mayans prediction of the end of the world in 2012 was only off by 1 year.
While many fans around the globe are disappointed, there is always the possibility that Oprah will celebrate the event by giving everyone in the world a new car.
It is unknown whether her last show will be a star-studded extravaganza or a quiet retrospective to end with Oprah eating her entire studio audience.
Once Oprah ends her show, it isn’t yet clear whether she will launch a rumored Oprah cable network or finally succumb to kryptonite.
Oprah’s loyal viewers will miss her weekday program, but will patiently wait for her Second Coming.
While many fans around the globe are disappointed, there is always the possibility that Oprah will celebrate the event by giving everyone in the world a new car.
It is unknown whether her last show will be a star-studded extravaganza or a quiet retrospective to end with Oprah eating her entire studio audience.
Once Oprah ends her show, it isn’t yet clear whether she will launch a rumored Oprah cable network or finally succumb to kryptonite.
Oprah’s loyal viewers will miss her weekday program, but will patiently wait for her Second Coming.
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
“Day of the Depp”
Johnny Depp ranked at the top of the list to be named People magazine’s “Sexiest Man Alive” for the second time Wednesday. Ranking at the bottom: Susan Boyle.
It’s the second time Depp has won the annual title, joining George Clooney, Brad Pitt and Richard Gere. But to be fair, Jude Law could also be called a two-timer.
Depp is 46 but is able to keeps younger looking skin by having Tim Burton cover his face in white greasepaint 6 months out of every year.
It’s the second time Depp has won the annual title, joining George Clooney, Brad Pitt and Richard Gere. But to be fair, Jude Law could also be called a two-timer.
Depp is 46 but is able to keeps younger looking skin by having Tim Burton cover his face in white greasepaint 6 months out of every year.
“Senior Senator”
This week, Sen. Robert Byrd of West Virginia became the longest serving member of Congress in history, with almost 57 years at the Capitol. In all that time, he has helped to pass almost 3 pieces of useful legislation.
Sen. Byrd’s age may be starting to show, as evidenced by his recent proposal for a soft food bill and his filibuster of the price of Ex-Lax while in the checkout line at a Walgreens.
Sen. Byrd’s age may be starting to show, as evidenced by his recent proposal for a soft food bill and his filibuster of the price of Ex-Lax while in the checkout line at a Walgreens.
“Stripped of their Rights”
California’s Department of Parks and Recreation is forcing San Onofre State Beach goers to cover up, in a departure from a long-standing but unofficial acceptance of nude sunbathing. Park rangers are on the lookout for naked butts in what we’re calling “Operation Crackdown.”
In the past, locals had no complaints about the clothing optional beach, except for the universal rule, “No fat chicks.”
The park superintendent and his staff have been trying to prevent beachgoers from stripping down. However, a group of middle aged men has been conspicuously defying the ban, and that’s when things got really hairy.
The Naturists Action Committee, a nudist group, says that all of their members are willing to stand up for their rights.
Furthermore, they claim to be ready to make a statement of defiance by shedding their clothes at the beach in large numbers. But, as the winter weather comes, they are likely to experience serious shrinkage.
In the past, locals had no complaints about the clothing optional beach, except for the universal rule, “No fat chicks.”
The park superintendent and his staff have been trying to prevent beachgoers from stripping down. However, a group of middle aged men has been conspicuously defying the ban, and that’s when things got really hairy.
The Naturists Action Committee, a nudist group, says that all of their members are willing to stand up for their rights.
Furthermore, they claim to be ready to make a statement of defiance by shedding their clothes at the beach in large numbers. But, as the winter weather comes, they are likely to experience serious shrinkage.
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
“Residence Hurl”
A new study says that college students who live in coed dorms are far more likely to drink to excess regularly than students in single sex dorms. The coed dorm students also complain that their classes sometimes interfere with their drinking schedule.
The link between binge drinking and campus housing is limited, but only because the real drinking gets going at the frat houses.
The link between binge drinking and campus housing is limited, but only because the real drinking gets going at the frat houses.
“Health Issues Unwrapped”
Imaging tests on Egyptian mummies showed that hart disease was as common 3500 years ago as it is today. Life expectancy was significantly shorter—averaging less than 50 years, leading anthropologists to think ancient Egypt only had HMO’s.
Still, this ancient society may have been healthier overall than we are today. Maybe that’s why you never see a fat mummy.
Learning about heart disease from mummies may not provide a cure, but it might wrap some bandages around it.
The researchers had hoped to learn more, but Brendan Fraser busted in and blasted all the mummies with a shotgun.
Still, this ancient society may have been healthier overall than we are today. Maybe that’s why you never see a fat mummy.
Learning about heart disease from mummies may not provide a cure, but it might wrap some bandages around it.
The researchers had hoped to learn more, but Brendan Fraser busted in and blasted all the mummies with a shotgun.
“Christmas Corral”
This holiday season, Santas at malls and other photo op locations are asking to be designated as a priority group for flu vaccine due to their high exposure with children. As everyone knows, the highest H1N1mortality risks are infants, the elderly, and elves.
Both The Amalgamated Order of Real Bearded Santas and a group called Santa America take the risk very seriously. When it comes to illness, they are NOT playing reindeer games.
Of course, if Santa was serious about his health, he’d give up smoking that pipe and lose some weight.
Both The Amalgamated Order of Real Bearded Santas and a group called Santa America take the risk very seriously. When it comes to illness, they are NOT playing reindeer games.
Of course, if Santa was serious about his health, he’d give up smoking that pipe and lose some weight.
“Lost Remote”
Comedian Ken Ober, best known as the host of MTV’s game show Remote Control in the late 1980’s, died at the age of 52. In tribute to him, MTV will actually play a music video.
“Chinese Secret”
President Obama’s speech from Shanghai about censorship was not seen by most of China, due to their government’s last minute scrapping of a planned live broadcast. But a heavily edited version will be preserved in China’s Temple of Irony.
“Turtle Whacks”
Scientists say that Costa Rica’s leatherback sea turtles are being threatened with extinction. Sadly, the ones who survive destruction of their environment often wind up as leather slaves.
Laws have been put in place to stop the poaching of turtles and their eggs, but it just sounds more appetizing when people find out they can get poached eggs.
Laws have been put in place to stop the poaching of turtles and their eggs, but it just sounds more appetizing when people find out they can get poached eggs.
“Wrapped up in a Bow”
The president has come under heavy fire from critics over bowing to Japan’s Emperor Akihito last weekend. The White House says he wasn’t bowing, he was just trying to duck some of that constant heavy fire.
Photos and video show the president’s body at almost a 90 degree angle. The White house says he wasn’t bowing, he just needed to bend that far to look Akihito in the face.
Conservatives bashed the president for “groveling to a foreign leader.” Obama, who has proven himself photo-op savvy, was actually just making sure his fly was zipped.
Photos and video show the president’s body at almost a 90 degree angle. The White house says he wasn’t bowing, he just needed to bend that far to look Akihito in the face.
Conservatives bashed the president for “groveling to a foreign leader.” Obama, who has proven himself photo-op savvy, was actually just making sure his fly was zipped.
Friday, November 13, 2009
“Down in the Mumps”
Doctors are reporting an increase in cases of the mumps here in the U.S. They explain that since most people’s income levels have regressed to the 1970’s, diseases have simply followed suit.
“Lunar Tide” or “Splashdown”
NASA said Friday that last month’s experiment smashing 2 probes into the moon’s surface has resulted in proof of significant amounts of water in the moon’s craters. As a result, areas right around the craters skyrocketed in price as beach-front real estate.
Though once thought dry, scientists began to suspect that the moon might have water when they observed the “no fishing” signs.
Water on the surface of the moon means new rules for astronauts. They cannot go onto the moon’s surface for an hour after they eat.
Though once thought dry, scientists began to suspect that the moon might have water when they observed the “no fishing” signs.
Water on the surface of the moon means new rules for astronauts. They cannot go onto the moon’s surface for an hour after they eat.
“Get a Wing Man”
A drop in chicken production has resulted in a shortage of chicken wings. This tragic situation means that televised football will be proportionally less enjoyable.
Customers in restaurant who order wings may find smaller portions, forcing them to eat the celery.
Most sympathetic to the problem are chicken retailers, whose own sales are suffering. Least sympathetic: chickens with no arms.
Customers in restaurant who order wings may find smaller portions, forcing them to eat the celery.
Most sympathetic to the problem are chicken retailers, whose own sales are suffering. Least sympathetic: chickens with no arms.
Thursday, November 12, 2009
“Smoke Up”
The CDCP reports that smoking has risen in the U.S. for the first time in 15 years. To lower the rate, the government will try to get the cast of Mad Men to finish filming their scenes in fewer takes.
A national survey says just over 1% more American adults are smoking, compared to a year earlier. By coincidence, that’s the same percentage of nerds who suddenly seemed a lot cooler.
A national survey says just over 1% more American adults are smoking, compared to a year earlier. By coincidence, that’s the same percentage of nerds who suddenly seemed a lot cooler.
“Busted Balloon”
Richard and Mayumi Heene, the “balloon boy” parents, accepted a plea bargain to avaid Mrs. Heenes’ deportation to Japan, and will serve probation for their helium balloon hoax. Japan would have been rough because they lack the funds to pretend their kid was kidnapped by a 300-ft. prehistoric monster.
“Intro to Economics”
A North Carolina middle school planned a fundraiser offering students 20 points to apply to test grades for a $20 donation. The plan has been cancelled by administrators, though it might have been a good testing program, since any student paying the 20 bucks is obviously stupid.
The board of education was shocked, saying that students should only be allowed to buy grades with their sports skills.
A new fundraiser will take its place, where the school will simply pimp out the students for sex.
The board of education was shocked, saying that students should only be allowed to buy grades with their sports skills.
A new fundraiser will take its place, where the school will simply pimp out the students for sex.
“Pageant Interview”
Former Miss California Carrie Prejean stopped her TV interview on Larry King Live last night, when Larry asked questions about her settlement with the Miss USA Pageant. In fairness to Carrie, no one goes on Larry King expected to answer actual questions.
Prejean called King “inappropriate.” This apparently caught Larry off guard, mainly because, at his age, he can’t even remember what he just said.
When Prejean removed her earpiece and microphone while still on camera, Larry didn’t seem all that upset. But that’s because he assumed he must have just won the beauty pageant.
Prejean called King “inappropriate.” This apparently caught Larry off guard, mainly because, at his age, he can’t even remember what he just said.
When Prejean removed her earpiece and microphone while still on camera, Larry didn’t seem all that upset. But that’s because he assumed he must have just won the beauty pageant.
“Chasing Crawford”
Cindy Crawford and her husband were reported to have been the intended victims of an extortion plot using a photo of their 7 year old daughter. Police caught the man behind it by infiltrating his scheme using a mole.
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
“Trash Talk” or “Struck Gold”
In New Jersey, sanitation workers found a reported lost wedding ring under 10 tons of trash after it had been accidentally discarded. In New Jersey, it’s easy to find a wedding ring buried in a landfill. Just look for the dead mob informant whose finger it’s on.
“Worth the Weight”
A Miami baby born at only 4 months gestation and weighing only 1 lb., 1 oz. is now thriving at 8 months old and weighing 12 lbs. As if to prove how normal her life has become, the women’s fashion industry is already telling her that she has gotten fat.
“Uniform Support”
Today is Veterans’ Day, so don’t forget to show your appreciation for all the men and women of our Armed Forces. That is, if Obama ever really lets them come back from Afghanistan and Iraq.
“Black Tuesday”
A mysterious blackout affected 70 million people in the nation of Brazil Tuesday night, leaving Rio de Janeiro and half the country without electricity for 4 hours. Looking to pull out the root cause, Brazilian officials are leaving no area un-waxed.
“Looking towards the Heavens”
The Vatican has begun working with scientists to explore the possibility of intelligent, extra-terrestrial life. When asked why, Pope Benedict XVI said, “Well, I’m bored, and we haven’t had any Crusades in a long time.”
If there is alien life out there on other planets, the question for the Church then becomes, are they Catholic?
Some may be. Obviously, for example, Han Solo’s last name is Italian.
If there is alien life out there on other planets, the question for the Church then becomes, are they Catholic?
Some may be. Obviously, for example, Han Solo’s last name is Italian.
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
“Eagle Wants to Fly?”
Michael Vick is reportedly unhappy to be playing for the Philadelphia Eagles since his return to the NFL and may want to try to go to another team. Some say, however, that he should just let sleeping dogs lie.
“Gifted Program”
A survey revealed this week that companies plan to cut back on holiday gifts for employees this year. Finally, some bad news that has no effect on the 10% of the country that are unemployed.
Most companies say they are cutting back due to the slow sales year. So while the country tries to fight 2 wars and manage healthcare, some executive will be whining about getting a Whitman’s Chocolate Sampler instead of an iPod.
In a related story, a guy with no job will be willing to take that Whitman’s Sampler and ration it out to his family as a breakfast, lunch, and then dinner.
Most companies say they are cutting back due to the slow sales year. So while the country tries to fight 2 wars and manage healthcare, some executive will be whining about getting a Whitman’s Chocolate Sampler instead of an iPod.
In a related story, a guy with no job will be willing to take that Whitman’s Sampler and ration it out to his family as a breakfast, lunch, and then dinner.
“6-Inch Sub Stop”
In Boston, a subway train made a dramatic emergency stop inches in front of a drunk woman who fell on the tracks. The incident was caught on video and quickly went viral online. As a result, balloon-hoax dad Richard Heene is now trying to adopt her.
Monday, November 9, 2009
“Give it a Rest”
Citing financial woes, many states’ departments of transportation are shutting down highway rest areas. This could create a real hardship for both business travelers and parents looking to have anonymous sex with truck-drivers.
State run rest stops had always been there for travelers who determined that fast food restaurants’ and gas stations’ bathrooms were just too clean for them.
State run rest stops had always been there for travelers who determined that fast food restaurants’ and gas stations’ bathrooms were just too clean for them.
“Wrath of Conn.”
Connecticut governor M. Jodi Rell announced this week that she will not run for re-election in 2010. As a Republican, she chose to announce it now instead of having the obligatory sleazy affair with a prostitute or a South American woman.
In the meantime, she plans to continue working for her state and finish out her term. Or as the Republican Party now calls that, “going rogue.”
Rell doesn’t want to go through the grueling process of campaigning and debating again; not when its easier nowadays to be next in line after a sitting governor resigns in disgrace.
…Or as that is now becoming known, “the democratic process.”
Of course, the liberal media will immediately get to work trying to bully her out of office sooner.
FOX News is taking Gov. Rell’s announcement as a sign that she is a shoo-in to run for president in 2012.
…Or sooner.
In the meantime, she plans to continue working for her state and finish out her term. Or as the Republican Party now calls that, “going rogue.”
Rell doesn’t want to go through the grueling process of campaigning and debating again; not when its easier nowadays to be next in line after a sitting governor resigns in disgrace.
…Or as that is now becoming known, “the democratic process.”
Of course, the liberal media will immediately get to work trying to bully her out of office sooner.
FOX News is taking Gov. Rell’s announcement as a sign that she is a shoo-in to run for president in 2012.
…Or sooner.
“Bear it All”
China has sent an expert to Taiwan to assist in panda breeding. Despite our own national interest in pandas, the U.S. sent no one, since our culture frowns of human sex with animals.
The expert will help Taiwanese zookeepers prepare the pandas for the February mating season. This means that they only a few months to search the jungle for some wine, jazz, and scented candles.
To help even more, China has an innovative back-up plan: Operation Panda Porn.
The expert will help Taiwanese zookeepers prepare the pandas for the February mating season. This means that they only a few months to search the jungle for some wine, jazz, and scented candles.
To help even more, China has an innovative back-up plan: Operation Panda Porn.
Thursday, November 5, 2009
“Up-Grade Dressed Down” or “Class War”
A man with a first-class upgrade on United Airlines was denied his seat in that section because he was wearing a track suit. Apparently, United felt it would be better if the man tried on a lawsuit.
The passenger says he was embarrassed to be denied his upgraded seat, but the point is moot because nothing about commercial air travel is first-class anymore.
To make it up to him, next time he flies, United has agreed to charge him triple the price for sitting in coach.
The passenger says he was embarrassed to be denied his upgraded seat, but the point is moot because nothing about commercial air travel is first-class anymore.
To make it up to him, next time he flies, United has agreed to charge him triple the price for sitting in coach.
“Pilots Excuse: Miles Off Course”
The two pilots who lost their licenses after they overshot Minneapolis by 150 miles are both appealing their case with the NTSB, or National Transportation Safety Board. It’s expected that when they show up for their hearing, they’ll miss the NTSB building by 150 miles.
The pilots’ defense has been that they were distracted by working on their laptop computers, which is like saying you’re innocent because you were doing exactly what you are accused of.
Many suspect that both pilots fell asleep, creating a serious danger to everyone aboard. Equally serious is their apparently poor judgment, as evidences by the lame, bogus laptop excuse.
It’s more likely that one pilot was on top the other’s lap.
Now, I’m not saying that these guys are liars, but their clear lack of respect for the place where they work make the word ‘cockpit’ sound dirty.
On the bright side, the plane’s autopilot is being hailed as a hero for keeping everyone on board alive.
The FAA asked that they file their appeal electronically, because they don’t even want to give these guys the tools to fly paper airplanes.
The pilots’ defense has been that they were distracted by working on their laptop computers, which is like saying you’re innocent because you were doing exactly what you are accused of.
Many suspect that both pilots fell asleep, creating a serious danger to everyone aboard. Equally serious is their apparently poor judgment, as evidences by the lame, bogus laptop excuse.
It’s more likely that one pilot was on top the other’s lap.
Now, I’m not saying that these guys are liars, but their clear lack of respect for the place where they work make the word ‘cockpit’ sound dirty.
On the bright side, the plane’s autopilot is being hailed as a hero for keeping everyone on board alive.
The FAA asked that they file their appeal electronically, because they don’t even want to give these guys the tools to fly paper airplanes.
“On Top of Spaghetti…”
A New Hampshire restaurant set a world record Sunday for making the world’s biggest meatball, which weighed in at 222.5 lbs. Or, as Oprah Winfrey calls it, an appetizer.
Nonni’s Italian Eatery in Concord even had their giant meatball’s weight authenticated by state officials. Then, tragedy struck as the lovable dog Tramp sprained his nose trying to push it over to his girlfriend Lady’s side of the plate.
Nonni’s Italian Eatery in Concord even had their giant meatball’s weight authenticated by state officials. Then, tragedy struck as the lovable dog Tramp sprained his nose trying to push it over to his girlfriend Lady’s side of the plate.
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
“Gilded Cage”
It was reported this week that Nicolas Cage, who has recently waged a public battle with financial problems and tax liens, may have eccentric spending to blame. Cage has bought and paid for 2 islands, a castle, 50 cars, a jet, a yacht, a pair of King Cobras, and a dinosaur skull… but surprisingly, not acting lessons.
Cage has also been a generous philanthropist, giving millions of dollars to charities, such as the Red Cross. Cage sympathizes with disaster victims, and can relate because of the movie roles he’s chosen.
Cage has also been a generous philanthropist, giving millions of dollars to charities, such as the Red Cross. Cage sympathizes with disaster victims, and can relate because of the movie roles he’s chosen.
“Mayoral Race”
In London, Mayor Boris Johnson answered a woman’s call for help as she was about to be attacked by a gang of teen girls, rescuing her before any could do her harm with an iron bar. As an Englishman, all he had to do scare them off was show his teeth.
American politicians have also sent young women running, but we call that sexual harassment.
The mayor, an avid cyclist, was on an evening bike ride at the time, and the incident has given him enough of a boost of confidence that he finally feels ready to take off his training wheels.
American politicians have also sent young women running, but we call that sexual harassment.
The mayor, an avid cyclist, was on an evening bike ride at the time, and the incident has given him enough of a boost of confidence that he finally feels ready to take off his training wheels.
“In the Host Seat”
Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin have been named co-hosts of the 2010 Academy Awards. Producers want the annual gala to be fun and entertaining for everyone, so Martin will not be allowed to play the banjo, and Baldwin will not be allowed to talk to his daughter.
Alec Baldwin’s brothers, actors Stephen and Billy, said that they can’t wait to see their brother host the awards, since those two would have absolutely no other reason to be there.
Alec Baldwin’s brothers, actors Stephen and Billy, said that they can’t wait to see their brother host the awards, since those two would have absolutely no other reason to be there.
“Caged Bird” or “Grand Theft, Ottowa”
On Wednesday, a man who stole a plane in Canada and flew it to Missouri was sentenced to 2 years in federal prison. Some say that’s harsh. Usually, entering the U.S. illegally gets you free school and healthcare.
The man claims to have been depressed at the time of the incident, but the judge was suspicious. Since when is Missouri a cure for depression?
The man claims to have been depressed at the time of the incident, but the judge was suspicious. Since when is Missouri a cure for depression?
“Cell Block”
Verizon Wireless is doubling its early termination fee to $350. The company claims that the move is really a form of customer service, because it saves people the trouble of asking their customers why they don’t have an iPhone yet.
Verizon claims that their smart-phones are equal to AT&T’s iPhone apps. For instance, they will be coming out with a function that combines a calculator with your wireless bill. The app is called, “How Much Are We Screwing You?”
Verizon claims that their smart-phones are equal to AT&T’s iPhone apps. For instance, they will be coming out with a function that combines a calculator with your wireless bill. The app is called, “How Much Are We Screwing You?”
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
“Buffett Right on Track”
Billionaire investor Warren Buffet has acquired Burlington Northern Sante Fe, the nation’s second largest railroad. Some say this shows Buffett’s confidence in the economy, but really, he just knows people are going to need box cars to live in.
Buffett, showing his real prediction of where this country is headed, is setting his railway up with a bullet train to hell.
Some critics say railroads are too old-fashioned to be a dynamic money-maker, but Buffett knows that trains are going to get a lot more popular when the rest of the airlines go belly-up.
When was the last time a train overshot Minneapolis by 150 miles?
Buffett, showing his real prediction of where this country is headed, is setting his railway up with a bullet train to hell.
Some critics say railroads are too old-fashioned to be a dynamic money-maker, but Buffett knows that trains are going to get a lot more popular when the rest of the airlines go belly-up.
When was the last time a train overshot Minneapolis by 150 miles?
“Justice Is Blind, but Not Colorblind”
The Louisiana justice of the peace who refused to marry an interracial couple a couple weeks ago resigned Tuesday. Despite stepping down from his post, Justice Bardwell promises to still be an outspoken racist.
The justice will spend his retirement playing chess. Not trying to win; just trying to keep the black and white pieces on their own side of the board.
The justice claims not to be a racist, but says he thinks children of interracial marriages suffer. As an example, he pointed to the way FOX News treats President Obama.
The justice will spend his retirement playing chess. Not trying to win; just trying to keep the black and white pieces on their own side of the board.
The justice claims not to be a racist, but says he thinks children of interracial marriages suffer. As an example, he pointed to the way FOX News treats President Obama.
“Gay Issues in the Maine-Stream”
In Maine, voters will decide today on a referendum to approve or repeal a law allowing gay marriage. Voting against the bill: gay married people.
Gay marriage got a lot of support in Maine, partly because it’s so cold there, you hold onto any warm body you can grab just for warmth.
A lot of lesbians flock to Maine, just for the overalls.
Gay marriage advocates say that now is the perfect time for this vote in Maine, because the rainbow colors of the foliage makes the state itself look really gay.
Gay marriage got a lot of support in Maine, partly because it’s so cold there, you hold onto any warm body you can grab just for warmth.
A lot of lesbians flock to Maine, just for the overalls.
Gay marriage advocates say that now is the perfect time for this vote in Maine, because the rainbow colors of the foliage makes the state itself look really gay.
Friday, October 30, 2009
“Farrell Child”
Actor Colin Farrell has a new baby boy, named Henry. The baby’s weight and length were not released, but he is already smoking 2 packs a day.
Colin proudly announced that his newborn son “already says the word ‘f*ck’ in place of crying like a little sissy.”
Colin proudly announced that his newborn son “already says the word ‘f*ck’ in place of crying like a little sissy.”
“Cher’s Daughter Now a Son-ny”
This week, Entertainment Tonight aired Chaz Bono’s first interview since his sex change. Now that the transformation is complete, Chaz has had almost as much plastic surgery as his mother Cher.
An outspoken lesbian her entire life, this was the first time Chaz ever wanted a penis.
Chaz has said that he always felt that he had a male identity. As far as going public and make the physical change, Chaz finally decided to grow a pair.
An outspoken lesbian her entire life, this was the first time Chaz ever wanted a penis.
Chaz has said that he always felt that he had a male identity. As far as going public and make the physical change, Chaz finally decided to grow a pair.
Thursday, October 29, 2009
“The ‘Get Out of Juvie Free’ Card”
Thousands of juvenile convictions were overturned today by the Pennsylvania Supreme Court, due to over $2.6 million in kickbacks paid to a former judge by builders and owners of 2 juvenile detention centers. So the kids will go free, but the judge will have this go down on his permanent record.
The imprisoned children were all simultaneously released by Indiana Jones once Short Round woke him out of his blood-drink induced zombie-trance by burning him with a torch.
The children who had been convicted got to learn a valuable lesson about crime. Sometimes, you can get off scot-free because of a crooked judge.
The imprisoned children were all simultaneously released by Indiana Jones once Short Round woke him out of his blood-drink induced zombie-trance by burning him with a torch.
The children who had been convicted got to learn a valuable lesson about crime. Sometimes, you can get off scot-free because of a crooked judge.
“Animal Magnetism”
The state of Tennessee is prosecuting its first 3 cases where charges stem from bestiality, one of them involving a sex act with a horse. The laws have been on the books for 2 years, but someone is finally pulling in the reins.
Once case involves a man and woman having sexual contact with a dog. They claim that a dog is man’s best friend-with-benefits.
Due TO laws banning animal sex being enforced, a lot more Tennessee residents are going to be making day trips to Kentucky.
The law makes it a felony to engage in any sexual activity with any animal. As a side effect, Tennessee has probably seen the last of Richard Gere and his gerbils.
Animal rights advocates have been divided. Overall they support the laws’ enforcement, but they say it unfairly discriminates against the nature of the horny toad.
In the case involving the horse, the accused insists that by wearing that leather saddle and short, teasing mini-blanket, the horse was “just asking for it.”
Of the 3 pending cases in the state, 1 horse and 2 dogs were involved, making the sheep think they must not be pretty enough.
These types of crimes are considered animal cruelty. If there is a lesson here, it is, “Love your pets… platonically.”
Once case involves a man and woman having sexual contact with a dog. They claim that a dog is man’s best friend-with-benefits.
Due TO laws banning animal sex being enforced, a lot more Tennessee residents are going to be making day trips to Kentucky.
The law makes it a felony to engage in any sexual activity with any animal. As a side effect, Tennessee has probably seen the last of Richard Gere and his gerbils.
Animal rights advocates have been divided. Overall they support the laws’ enforcement, but they say it unfairly discriminates against the nature of the horny toad.
In the case involving the horse, the accused insists that by wearing that leather saddle and short, teasing mini-blanket, the horse was “just asking for it.”
Of the 3 pending cases in the state, 1 horse and 2 dogs were involved, making the sheep think they must not be pretty enough.
These types of crimes are considered animal cruelty. If there is a lesson here, it is, “Love your pets… platonically.”
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
“Departed Department”
Wal-Mart has begun selling coffins and urns on its website. Their own employees without healthcare may prove to be their best customers.
Some say it’s not a good match. Shopping at Wal-mart doesn’t even preserve the dignity of the living.
Wal-Mart expects to do well with the product line, which allows for returns of the items if they are new, but not if they are used.
The company thinks selling online makes the most sense, because it isn’t something you need to try on.
It makes sense for the business and the grieving family. Their motto is, “Your loss is our sales gain.”
Also, buying online is a lot less awkward than pushing a cart up to the register with a casket, a blender, and a box of condoms.
A Wal-Mart casket might be a smart consumer choice, but it does put a morbid spin on the stores “Faded Glory” brand.
When you get the casket delivered, it is ready to use. You just have to peel off the “Roll-back” sticker.
The retailer has a nice selection of quality urns, but if even these are too pricey, you can always check out cheaper options in the lawn and garden department.
Some say it’s not a good match. Shopping at Wal-mart doesn’t even preserve the dignity of the living.
Wal-Mart expects to do well with the product line, which allows for returns of the items if they are new, but not if they are used.
The company thinks selling online makes the most sense, because it isn’t something you need to try on.
It makes sense for the business and the grieving family. Their motto is, “Your loss is our sales gain.”
Also, buying online is a lot less awkward than pushing a cart up to the register with a casket, a blender, and a box of condoms.
A Wal-Mart casket might be a smart consumer choice, but it does put a morbid spin on the stores “Faded Glory” brand.
When you get the casket delivered, it is ready to use. You just have to peel off the “Roll-back” sticker.
The retailer has a nice selection of quality urns, but if even these are too pricey, you can always check out cheaper options in the lawn and garden department.
“Less Air”
U.S. Airways has announced that they are cutting 1,000 jobs. Cutting flight attendants was inevitable, since there are no more in-flight meals, pillows, or blankets; all they do is hand out earphones to passengers who don’t have an iPod.
In an act of mercy, laid-off employees will be allowed to stay on the plane they are on until it lands.
Northwest airlines made no such announcement, but is keeping an eye on all pilots with scheduled flights to Minneapolis.
In an act of mercy, laid-off employees will be allowed to stay on the plane they are on until it lands.
Northwest airlines made no such announcement, but is keeping an eye on all pilots with scheduled flights to Minneapolis.
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
MILESTONE
As of today, there are over 2500 jokes on this blog!
Thanks to all my loyal and disloyal readers.
Please keep coming back.
Or better yet, hire me.
Thanks to all my loyal and disloyal readers.
Please keep coming back.
Or better yet, hire me.
“Pilots’ Story: Not Gonna Fly”
The FAA revoked the licenses of the 2 pilots whose Northwest Airlines flight overshot Minneapolis last week by 150 miles. Even worse, without a license, the pilots now have to walk all the way back to Minneapolis.
The pilots will now change careers and become ship captains for Exxon.
The pilots were out of radio contact for over an hour and are believed to have fallen asleep, but they’ve come up with some interesting excuses for missing their landing:
“We thought we were being followed so we were afraid to stop.”
“It was supposed to be a shortcut, but it didn’t work out.”
“We had a good CD on and wanted hear the whole album.”
“There was no exit sign.”
“I meant to hit the ‘snooze’ button, but accidentally turned off the whole alarm.”
“We got lost and someone refused to ask for directions.”
“The brakes went out, so we threw the radio at them.”
“The clouds up there were really pretty, and we were really high.”
“We prepaid for a full tank of fuel.”
“The passengers said we were such great pilots, they didn’t want to flight to end.”
“The guys in the radio tower hurt our feelings so we weren’t speaking to them.”
“We were caught in an alien tractor beam.”
“We spent that hour trying to decide if we should go through with our suicide pact.”
“I promised myself I wouldn’t land the plane until I worked up the nerve to ask out that hot flight attendant.”
“You call it a missing hour; we pilots call it ‘Happy Hour’, dude.”
“We were flying so fast that it took 150 miles to stop.”
“We didn’t know the tower was calling us because we didn’t realize we’d switched the radio to the AM dial.”
“We’re huge ‘Lost,” fans and we were trying to reenact the flight of Oceanic 815.”
“We figured if a runaway flight hoax could get Balloon Boy’s family on TV, a real runaway flight could get us on TV for sure.”
“We lost track of time while we were making sweet, sweet love.”
“Heavy News”
A new medical study says that psychiatric drugs often used to treat children have a common side effect of causing weight-gain of 10 to 20 lbs. in under 11 weeks. The situation only gets worse when young people with mental illness who become obese wind up trying crazy diets.
Many of such drugs have been in wide use among children, and they are only getting wider.
Some of the patients treated with these drugs may now file a fat lawsuit.
When patients treated for bipolar disorder realized their recent weight gain wasn’t their fault, they were thrilled and depressed.
Ideally, these medications should be limited to treat anorexia.
Some experts are against the use of these drugs to treat behavioral problems, and the kids in these cases really tip the scales.
On average, up to 36% of those taking these drugs suffered this side effect. Among those with multiple personalities, it was at least double.
Many of such drugs have been in wide use among children, and they are only getting wider.
Some of the patients treated with these drugs may now file a fat lawsuit.
When patients treated for bipolar disorder realized their recent weight gain wasn’t their fault, they were thrilled and depressed.
Ideally, these medications should be limited to treat anorexia.
Some experts are against the use of these drugs to treat behavioral problems, and the kids in these cases really tip the scales.
On average, up to 36% of those taking these drugs suffered this side effect. Among those with multiple personalities, it was at least double.
Friday, October 23, 2009
“Baby on Board”
A passenger on an AirAsia flight from Borneo went into labor and delivered a baby boy onboard, before landing in Malaysia. The airline immediately charged extra money for the little bundle of baggage.
Needless to say, things got a bit chaotic. For instance, airline personnel weren’t sure if the placenta should count as a carry-on or a personal item.
The mother says that the airplane’s crew members were very helpful, and they even let her choose whether to stow the baby under her seat on in the overhead bin.
When the mother’s water broke, the crew informed her she could be arrested for bringing more than 3 oz. of liquid on the plane.
Just as the plane dropped its landing gear, so did the mother.
Despite the pre-flight instructions, the baby found that the nearest exit was, in fact directly in front of him.
The woman’s labor might have been easier if the flight attendants hadn’t forced her to keep her chair back in its full, upright position.
Of course, if the woman had stayed in an upright position, she never would have gotten pregnant in the first place.
The baby came out of the womb just as the plane descended into a low-altitude landing pattern, giving a new meaning to lowering the flaps.
Until the plane came to a complete stop, the baby kept his umbilical cord securely fastened about his waist.
Due to the airspeed, this was the first baby to ever come out at 300 miles per hour.
Needless to say, things got a bit chaotic. For instance, airline personnel weren’t sure if the placenta should count as a carry-on or a personal item.
The mother says that the airplane’s crew members were very helpful, and they even let her choose whether to stow the baby under her seat on in the overhead bin.
When the mother’s water broke, the crew informed her she could be arrested for bringing more than 3 oz. of liquid on the plane.
Just as the plane dropped its landing gear, so did the mother.
Despite the pre-flight instructions, the baby found that the nearest exit was, in fact directly in front of him.
The woman’s labor might have been easier if the flight attendants hadn’t forced her to keep her chair back in its full, upright position.
Of course, if the woman had stayed in an upright position, she never would have gotten pregnant in the first place.
The baby came out of the womb just as the plane descended into a low-altitude landing pattern, giving a new meaning to lowering the flaps.
Until the plane came to a complete stop, the baby kept his umbilical cord securely fastened about his waist.
Due to the airspeed, this was the first baby to ever come out at 300 miles per hour.
Thursday, October 22, 2009
“Service on the Mount”
The National Park Service says that Mount Rushmore’s security system is insufficient. To scare off potential threats, the heads of Presidents Washington, Jefferson, Roosevelt and Lincoln will be fitted with giant sunglasses and earpieces.
Jefferson and Roosevelt may even go undercover, since most Americans don’t recognize those two anyway.
Apparently, graffiti artists have already drawn a silly, giant moustache on Roosevelt and a ridiculous beard on Lincoln.
Jefferson and Roosevelt may even go undercover, since most Americans don’t recognize those two anyway.
Apparently, graffiti artists have already drawn a silly, giant moustache on Roosevelt and a ridiculous beard on Lincoln.
“Killer Fungi = Bad ‘Shrooms”
Biologists in Australia have confirmed the cause of the steady decline in the world’s frog population, a fungal infection that reduces electrolyte levels. Because of this, the frogs are demanding universal public healthcare.
The discovery of the true cause dispels another controversial theory that the frogs were being kissed by AIDS-infected princesses.
The disharmony in nature between the amphibians and this fungus has also resulted in a demand by both that no mushroom be called a toadstool.
This is the most serious amphibian disease since toads' congenital warts.
Sadly, even if a cure is found, frogs will continue to croak.
The discovery of the true cause dispels another controversial theory that the frogs were being kissed by AIDS-infected princesses.
The disharmony in nature between the amphibians and this fungus has also resulted in a demand by both that no mushroom be called a toadstool.
This is the most serious amphibian disease since toads' congenital warts.
Sadly, even if a cure is found, frogs will continue to croak.
“In the Driver’s Seat” or “Driving This Lazy”
A Minnesota man was found guilty of drunk driving after he hit a parked car with his motorized lounge chair. It’s the first instance of laying down the law on a recliner.
The man may have been eligible for handicapped parking. After all, he was in a wheel chair.
The chair was powered by a converted lawnmower engine, has headlights, a stereo, and cup holders. Most people in this country still wouldn’t want to drive one, though, because it was made in America.
The man may have been eligible for handicapped parking. After all, he was in a wheel chair.
The chair was powered by a converted lawnmower engine, has headlights, a stereo, and cup holders. Most people in this country still wouldn’t want to drive one, though, because it was made in America.
“Memory Drug”
A new study says that teens who use drugs may suffer from memory loss later in life. In a possibly related story, teens who use drugs may suffer from memory loss later in life.
In an experiment, researchers gave amphetamines to rats, and then forgot all about them.
In an experiment, researchers gave amphetamines to rats, and then forgot all about them.
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
“Motivationary Speaker”
Former President George W. Bush has been booked as the special guest speaker at a “Get Motivated” business seminar in Fort Worth, TX. Many Bush fans plan to attend to hear him speak, and even more Bush critics plan to attend to see if he can speak.
Bush is a logical choice at a motivational event. After all, if he could become the President of the United States, surely anyone can.
Former Secretary of State Colin Powell will also attend the event, likely to help Bush with things like remembering to face the audience, not to wander offstage while speaking, and go to the bathroom before the speech, or after, but not during.
Bush agreed to the appearance because he loves his native Texas and likes the word “seminar.”
Bush is a logical choice at a motivational event. After all, if he could become the President of the United States, surely anyone can.
Former Secretary of State Colin Powell will also attend the event, likely to help Bush with things like remembering to face the audience, not to wander offstage while speaking, and go to the bathroom before the speech, or after, but not during.
Bush agreed to the appearance because he loves his native Texas and likes the word “seminar.”
“Wants to be Wanted”
A suspected drug captain and killer on the FBI’s “Most Wanted” list has changed his appearance to elude capture. He has had plastic surgery and changed his fingerprints. The FBI understands the facial surgery, but was surprised by the breast implants.
On the bright side, the suspect feels prettier now and prefers to be called “Kimberly.”
The alleged criminal and gang leader, whose name is Eduardo Revelo, even went so far as to get a tattoo that says “Not Eduardo Revelo.”
The FBI says he is also laundering money, but as the clock is ticking, he may get impatient and take it out before the rinse cycle is done.
On the bright side, the suspect feels prettier now and prefers to be called “Kimberly.”
The alleged criminal and gang leader, whose name is Eduardo Revelo, even went so far as to get a tattoo that says “Not Eduardo Revelo.”
The FBI says he is also laundering money, but as the clock is ticking, he may get impatient and take it out before the rinse cycle is done.
Monday, October 19, 2009
“Helium Delirium”
The Colorado family whose 6-year-old was though to be in a balloon last week may face charges over what authorities now believe to have been a hoax. Apparently, at the time, the alien spaceship-shaped balloon hadn’t been enough.
To escape arrest, the father, Richard Keene, will hide in the attic of his garage until he gets his own reality show.
If Keene does get his own show, instead of one based on his storm-chasing experiences, it will be called “Cell-Block of Love.”
Whether or not they actually broke any laws, the country’s attention is still on the family, and everyone thinks the father is a jerk. So, you’re welcome, Jon Gosselin.
To escape arrest, the father, Richard Keene, will hide in the attic of his garage until he gets his own reality show.
If Keene does get his own show, instead of one based on his storm-chasing experiences, it will be called “Cell-Block of Love.”
Whether or not they actually broke any laws, the country’s attention is still on the family, and everyone thinks the father is a jerk. So, you’re welcome, Jon Gosselin.
“Medicine Going to Pot”
The White House has reversed a Bush administration policy, and says that federal resources will not be used to prosecute medical marijuana cases in the 14 states where its use is legal. Mainly because it’s the only industry in the country that's doing well.
Statistically, this puts the United States at a new high.
If the federal government officially allows medical marijuana, there’s your healthcare solution, America.
Statistically, this puts the United States at a new high.
If the federal government officially allows medical marijuana, there’s your healthcare solution, America.
“Tough Talk on Tux”
A Mississippi girl is being denied a spot for her senior photo in her high school yearbook because she posed in a tuxedo rather than the customary drape for girls. Just renting the tuxedo on a credit card means formal charges.
Some say that, despite appearances, the tuxedo issue is not black and white.
The school officials who are against girls wearing tuxedos will next target tap dancing.
Some say that, despite appearances, the tuxedo issue is not black and white.
The school officials who are against girls wearing tuxedos will next target tap dancing.
“Department of Education” or “No Daughter Left Behind”
Barack and Michelle Obama went to their daughters’ parent teacher conferences at their respective schools this week. Since educators encourage parents to help kids with their homework, the girls’ teachers’ gave them an assignment to provide all Americans with healthcare, end the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, and get us out of the recession.
“Cop Shots”
The FBI reports the lowest number of police officer deaths in at least 10 years. This proves that you can never find a cop when you want one.
The recession is being cited as the reason, since criminals can no longer afford shooting lessons.
Police credit better training, equipment like bullet-proof vests, and limiting the racism to the places where it’s still welcome.
The recession is being cited as the reason, since criminals can no longer afford shooting lessons.
Police credit better training, equipment like bullet-proof vests, and limiting the racism to the places where it’s still welcome.
Friday, October 16, 2009
“Balloon Blown Out of Proportion”
The Colorado family who’s 6-year old was believed to have gone up in a run-away helium balloon Thursday is being accused of staging a hoax. The family explained it wasn’t their son they thought got into the balloon; it was Bigfoot.
The family describes themselves as storm chasers. They just forgot to specify, “media storm.”
Naturally, the parents were glad their son was okay. But they are devastated over the damage to their fallen balloon.
When the boy was asked why he didn’t come out of the attic when called, he said “We did it for a show.” When pressed to find out what he meant, the boy finally admitted that his family was trying to get on So You Think You Can Hoax.
The family describes themselves as storm chasers. They just forgot to specify, “media storm.”
Naturally, the parents were glad their son was okay. But they are devastated over the damage to their fallen balloon.
When the boy was asked why he didn’t come out of the attic when called, he said “We did it for a show.” When pressed to find out what he meant, the boy finally admitted that his family was trying to get on So You Think You Can Hoax.
“Green Light District”
A legal brothel in Germany is offering a discount to customers who bike or use public transit to get there. Of course, if a man has to bike or ride the bus, it explains why he wasn’t getting laid in the first place.
The brothel says they are trying to go green. Customers who got a really ugly prostitute also reported turning green.
The downside for byciclists traveling to the brothel is that now they have to do twice as much pumping.
Environmental prostitutes in Germany seem to be a contradiction. If a frog with a German name, Kermit, taught us anything, it’s that being green means not being easy.
The brothel says they are trying to go green. Customers who got a really ugly prostitute also reported turning green.
The downside for byciclists traveling to the brothel is that now they have to do twice as much pumping.
Environmental prostitutes in Germany seem to be a contradiction. If a frog with a German name, Kermit, taught us anything, it’s that being green means not being easy.
Thursday, October 15, 2009
“Big Gay Boat Ride”
A husband and wife are suing Italy’s Grimaldi cruise line after being booked on a gay vacation cruise. The couple was embarrassed, they say, especially since they were the least fashionable and worst dancers on the ship.
The couple realized that they had accidentally been booked on a gay cruise after meeting several men in sailing uniforms, none of whom were part of the crew.
The name Grimaldi cruise Lines doesn’t automatically suggest a gay theme, but the name Princess Cruises was already taken.
The straight passengers had no complaints about the comfort or size of the ship; just the motion in the ocean.
It became obvious that it was a gay cruise when all the passengers inspected each other from bow to stern.
Because it was a gay cruise, passengers took Dramamine to absorb the drama.
There were dangers on the gay cruise. One passenger put on eyeliner, and next thing you know, dozens of gay witnesses say he went overboard.
The entire cruise was full of gay themed events. The only way it could have been more gay was if it had been Tom Cruise.
The couple realized that they had accidentally been booked on a gay cruise after meeting several men in sailing uniforms, none of whom were part of the crew.
The name Grimaldi cruise Lines doesn’t automatically suggest a gay theme, but the name Princess Cruises was already taken.
The straight passengers had no complaints about the comfort or size of the ship; just the motion in the ocean.
It became obvious that it was a gay cruise when all the passengers inspected each other from bow to stern.
Because it was a gay cruise, passengers took Dramamine to absorb the drama.
There were dangers on the gay cruise. One passenger put on eyeliner, and next thing you know, dozens of gay witnesses say he went overboard.
The entire cruise was full of gay themed events. The only way it could have been more gay was if it had been Tom Cruise.
“Who’s to Judge?”
A Louisiana justice of the peace refused a marriage license to a white woman and black man wanting to get married on the grounds of their race. The judge claims not to discriminate based on color, as evidenced by his willingness to cast aside his black robe in favor of a white, hooded one.
The judge says he has black friends, allows them into his home, and even lets them use his bathroom. This teaches an important lesson: some white-trash-owned trailers have a bathroom.
One of the most outrageous things about this case is that there are black people who are out there trying to be friends with this guy.
The judge says his concern is that mixed race children aren’t accepted in society. Actually, when it comes to color, the only offspring that should be prevented are from someone who is mostly white, but whose neck is red.
The judge says he has black friends, allows them into his home, and even lets them use his bathroom. This teaches an important lesson: some white-trash-owned trailers have a bathroom.
One of the most outrageous things about this case is that there are black people who are out there trying to be friends with this guy.
The judge says his concern is that mixed race children aren’t accepted in society. Actually, when it comes to color, the only offspring that should be prevented are from someone who is mostly white, but whose neck is red.
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
“Tool Board”
The Delaware School Board reduced the suspension of first grader who brought a camping tool to school that has a fork, knife, and spoon. Despite officials concerns about weapons in schools, they’re just glad to have 1 student who knows how to use utensils instead of eating with his hands.
Apparently, public outcry over the boy’s initial 45-day suspicion caused the board to reconsider, and even overlook the bottle-opener the six year old might use to uncap beer.
Prior to this, the school board was so concerned about what could be construed as a weapon, they had resorted to dulling all students’ scissors, pencils, and minds.
Apparently, public outcry over the boy’s initial 45-day suspicion caused the board to reconsider, and even overlook the bottle-opener the six year old might use to uncap beer.
Prior to this, the school board was so concerned about what could be construed as a weapon, they had resorted to dulling all students’ scissors, pencils, and minds.
“One Small Step for Woman”
A physiology report reveals that women who were candidates for NASA’s Mercury space program tested as well as the men, but the 1960’s program was cancelled before any women got to become astronauts. Still, the women agree that the male pilots were just as smart as the first Americans in space: the chimpanzees.
If women had been allowed into space in the 1960’s think what it might have meant. Instead of just orbiting the Earth in a circle, a male pilot would have been forced to pull over and ask directions.
Immediately after Neil Armstrong made the first footprint on the moon, he would have been forced to clean it up.
The moon rover would never have been allowed to just sit there, unmoving, on the front lawn for years.
The payload of every space shuttle mission would have had a lot of extra pairs of shoes.
Spacewalks might not ever be an issue, though, because those space suits make everybody’s butt look big.
If women had been allowed into space in the 1960’s think what it might have meant. Instead of just orbiting the Earth in a circle, a male pilot would have been forced to pull over and ask directions.
Immediately after Neil Armstrong made the first footprint on the moon, he would have been forced to clean it up.
The moon rover would never have been allowed to just sit there, unmoving, on the front lawn for years.
The payload of every space shuttle mission would have had a lot of extra pairs of shoes.
Spacewalks might not ever be an issue, though, because those space suits make everybody’s butt look big.
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
“Shirt for Brains”
A 4th grade student in Patterson, CA was ordered to change his t-shirt with a picture of Barack Obama and the phrase “Hi, Haters.” Controversy should have been minimal; since it was a public school, other students would neither have recognized the president, nor been able to read the phrase.
“FORD: Found On Road Detonated”
Ford has recalled 4.5 million more vehicles over a known issue with a defective cruise control switch which may cause a fire. Ford owners are cautioned not to push the button labeled “Fire.”
Ford may try to work the problem into future marketing. For instance, the popular SUV Explorer will be renamed the Ford Exploder.
Ford’s PR department claims this was just Ford’s innovative way of meeting consumer demand for keyless ignition.
Ford may try to work the problem into future marketing. For instance, the popular SUV Explorer will be renamed the Ford Exploder.
Ford’s PR department claims this was just Ford’s innovative way of meeting consumer demand for keyless ignition.
“Model Baby”
Project Runway host Heidi Klum and her husband, Grammy-award winning singer Seal, have a new baby girl. The famous couple and their 4 kids now have 30 days to allow TV cameras into their home for their legally required reality show.
“A Fair of State”
Oprah Winfrey attended the State Fair of Texas, where she also taped episodes of her talk show this week. Other states have invited Oprah in the past, but Texas is the only state big enough for her to fit into.
Friday, October 9, 2009
“Give Peace Prize a Chance”
President Barak Obama has won the Nobel Peace Prize. Presumably, in a bet.
There are some who, though happy for Obama, really feel that the Nobel was more deserved by Beyonce.
Obama was awarded the prize “for his… efforts to strengthen… diplomacy and cooperation.” That’s international politics language for “Good try.”
The president says he looks on the prize as a “call to action.” Aren’t you supposed to win a prize for already completing an action?
Experts say Obama would have been the runner-up for the Nobel, had Perez Hilton asked him his views on gay marriage.
Obama joins the ranks of Al Gore, Nelson Mandela, Mother Teresa, and Martin Luther King, Jr. Democrats are confused because they thought he was all 4 of them, combined.
Former President George W. Bush offered his congratulations to President Obama on winning the prize, along with a piece of advice. Bush said, “Don’t eat that whole chocolate coin at once or you’ll get a tummy-ache.”
There are some who, though happy for Obama, really feel that the Nobel was more deserved by Beyonce.
Obama was awarded the prize “for his… efforts to strengthen… diplomacy and cooperation.” That’s international politics language for “Good try.”
The president says he looks on the prize as a “call to action.” Aren’t you supposed to win a prize for already completing an action?
Experts say Obama would have been the runner-up for the Nobel, had Perez Hilton asked him his views on gay marriage.
Obama joins the ranks of Al Gore, Nelson Mandela, Mother Teresa, and Martin Luther King, Jr. Democrats are confused because they thought he was all 4 of them, combined.
Former President George W. Bush offered his congratulations to President Obama on winning the prize, along with a piece of advice. Bush said, “Don’t eat that whole chocolate coin at once or you’ll get a tummy-ache.”
“Moaning and Groening” or “Treehouse of Whore?”
Marge Simpson will appear nude in the November issue of Playboy. The pictures will be completely drawn and painted but will still be less airbrushed than their usual models.
Fans look forward to seeing the pictures, but her interview makes her seem two-dimensional.
Thankfully, Patty and Selma won’t be in their upcoming twins issue.
Fans look forward to seeing the pictures, but her interview makes her seem two-dimensional.
Thankfully, Patty and Selma won’t be in their upcoming twins issue.
Thursday, October 8, 2009
“Gay Ol’ Time”
The House of Representatives voted today to extend hate crime laws to protect gays and the disabled. Gay advocacy groups immediately filed suit against the House for equating homosexuality with having a disability.
The law provides harsher penalties for violence that targets gays and lesbians specifically, meaning gay S&M bars will all be shut down.
Legal experts argue, however, that if a criminal now disables a gay person, it creates a double-jeopardy loophole.
Opponants argued that “at this rate, it will soon be illegal to commit crimes against anyone.”
The law provides harsher penalties for violence that targets gays and lesbians specifically, meaning gay S&M bars will all be shut down.
Legal experts argue, however, that if a criminal now disables a gay person, it creates a double-jeopardy loophole.
Opponants argued that “at this rate, it will soon be illegal to commit crimes against anyone.”
“Top Downer”
A study in the UK found that noise levels from driving a convertible car with the top down can damage your hearing. Doctors are working on a procedure to give men a bigger penis so they won’t need a convertible.
Data from the study was presented at a doctors’ convention in San Diego, very loudly.
For years, paparazzi photographers have provided proof that a convertible is also really bad for your hairstyle.
Data from the study was presented at a doctors’ convention in San Diego, very loudly.
For years, paparazzi photographers have provided proof that a convertible is also really bad for your hairstyle.
“Getting Back in the Ring”
Astronomers have discovered a previously unseen ring around Saturn, far larger than any of its more easily visible rings. Tabloids say this means that Saturn and the sun are now secretly engaged.
The ring could only be seen using an infrared lens. It could be made more visible, but NASA would have to pay $1.99 for the new ring tone.
The ring could only be seen using an infrared lens. It could be made more visible, but NASA would have to pay $1.99 for the new ring tone.
“Tall Tail”
A study suggests that tall men have an easier time finding attractive female partners. Unless their gay. Right, Tom Cruise?
“Tree Strikes”
Here in California, tree farmers are concerned about a possible infestation of tiny insects that can carry citrus greening disease, which kills citrus trees. The farmers’ only weapon so far is to provide the insects and trees with free condoms.
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
“Heavy Medicine”
Primary care doctors are being encouraged to talk to their overweight patients about obesity in light of its many related health problems. Physicians are sometimes reluctant due to embarrassment, and also because doctors make more money off of sick people.
Another factor making these discussions awkward: fat doctors.
Another factor making these discussions awkward: fat doctors.
“Past his Prime Time?”
The Jay Leno Show’s ratings have slid steadily down since the show’s debut 3 weeks ago, causing NBC to finish in 5th place in the 10 pm time slot through the week. NBC has a cure. Leno will be forced to have affairs with several women on his staff.
Insiders say NBC is also thinking about replacing Leno’s show with some comedy.
Insiders say NBC is also thinking about replacing Leno’s show with some comedy.
“Splashdown”
NASA plans to launch missiles into the surface of the moon tomorrow to raise a plume of surface dust, looking for signs of water. If they can raise water this way, it will be a boon for the moon’s surfing industry.
Scientists are hopeful that earth can eventually harness the moon’s water and pollute it.
Scientists are hopeful that earth can eventually harness the moon’s water and pollute it.
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
“Driving Under the Ignorance”
A judge cleared Mel Gibson’s criminal record Tuesday, on the completion of his probation from his 2006 drunk-driving conviction. Gibson made one request of the judge: that he also clear the historical record of any references to The Holocaust.
Mel apologized shortly after his arrest for his drunken tirade about Jews and women. From now on, he will limit his comments to Jewish women.
Mel seems to have learned his lesson, having also paid a $1600 fine, which is less than his daily craft service budget for Lethal Weapon 5.
Mel apologized shortly after his arrest for his drunken tirade about Jews and women. From now on, he will limit his comments to Jewish women.
Mel seems to have learned his lesson, having also paid a $1600 fine, which is less than his daily craft service budget for Lethal Weapon 5.
“Sex Crime Losing Potency?”
The FBI reports that rape cases have fallen to their lowest level in 20 years. Law enforcement and DNA scientists say more convictions are a deterrent and keep criminals off the streets, but really, in this economy, most would-be rapists just can’t afford the van.
Office and campus escort policies and other prevention education and safety factors all contribute, but rapists say that women just don’t dress like their asking for it anymore.
Office and campus escort policies and other prevention education and safety factors all contribute, but rapists say that women just don’t dress like their asking for it anymore.
“DMD-Cup” or “Dental Decay”
A San Jose, CA dentist has been charged for performing breast exams on female patients. The dentist insists that he plainly told the patients that he wanted to drill them.
The dentist also said that female patients without insurance have to pay up-front.
The dentist admitted that neglect of his morals led to their decay.
A patient said that he’d crossed the line when he said he needed to examine her mouth with his penis.
He also didn’t care if she spit or swallowed.
The man will likely lose his license to be a fake doctor.
The dentist also said that female patients without insurance have to pay up-front.
The dentist admitted that neglect of his morals led to their decay.
A patient said that he’d crossed the line when he said he needed to examine her mouth with his penis.
He also didn’t care if she spit or swallowed.
The man will likely lose his license to be a fake doctor.
“Tiger 1, Trespasser 0” or "Cat Bungler"
In Calgary, Alberta, a man who sneaked into a Canadian zoo after hours Monday had his arms injured when he reached into the tigers’ enclosure. The tiger has not been charged with any crime, but is already wearing stripes.
Ironically, the man sneaked into the zoo because the tickets cost half an arm and a leg.
Ironically, the man sneaked into the zoo because the tickets cost half an arm and a leg.
“Toilet Paper the School”
A school in Cork, Ireland struggling with budget problems may start asking students to bring their own roll of toilet paper to school. Any brand is welcome except Scot Tissue.
In a related story, some students have begun requesting that the pages of their textbooks be perforated and quilted.
To make sure students are prepared when arriving at school, instead of taking attendance, teachers will just do a roll call.
Math teachers in particular will have to make sure the youngest students have the skills to know the difference between numbers 1 and 2.
In a related story, some students have begun requesting that the pages of their textbooks be perforated and quilted.
To make sure students are prepared when arriving at school, instead of taking attendance, teachers will just do a roll call.
Math teachers in particular will have to make sure the youngest students have the skills to know the difference between numbers 1 and 2.
“Shroud of Mystery”
An Italian group of scientists have created a duplicate of the shroud of Turin in an attempt to debunk the shroud’s authenticity. Perhaps growing overconfident, they then got a copy of the bible and photocopied it.
A Christian group is now trying to debunk the scientists’ authenticity.
The actual shroud is owned by the Vatican, who has made no official claim regarding it’s authenticity, nor any explanation for its “Made in China” tag.
A Christian group is now trying to debunk the scientists’ authenticity.
The actual shroud is owned by the Vatican, who has made no official claim regarding it’s authenticity, nor any explanation for its “Made in China” tag.
“Gold Standard”
The value of gold surged to $1,040 an ounce this week, breaking the thousand-dollar mark for the first time ever. This means that, if you include his teeth, Flavor Flav is no longer completely worthless to society.
Internationally, this news would be more exciting if the dollar was actually still worth something.
Internationally, this news would be more exciting if the dollar was actually still worth something.
Friday, October 2, 2009
“The Late Show Latest”
Jokes 10.02.09
“The Late Show Latest”
David Letterman announced on his show that he had been the victim of an alleged blackmail scheme for sleeping with members of his staff. Paul Schaffer was quick to point out that it was entirely consensual.
It’s ironic that only a couple weeks after NBC put Jay Leno on at 10pm, all of CBS’s drama moved to 11:30.
The women he slept with who worked for his production company had kept it quiet until now, but it was Dave who just couldn’t keep it in his Worldwide Pants.
Amazingly, no evidence of the scandal had ever leaked out of Letterman’s Worldwide Pants.
Jimmy Kimmel almost had a similar scandal recently, but was able to avoid it when nobody wanted to sleep with him.
Letterman hinted that the sexual relationships had gotten pretty wild when he referred to them as “stupid pet tricks.”
Initially, Letterman just wanted to make sure that his sex partners gave him higher ratings than they gave Conan.
Letterman joked through his description of the real-life ordeal, leaving the audience unsure of whether or not the whole thing was made up. That is, until he read his list of “Top Ten Chicks I’ve Banged on this Show.”
Letterman has always looked confident onstage, even if a segment wasn’t getting big laughs. Now we know why: he always had another piece on the side.
Sarah Palin plans to call for Letterman to quit his job, or as she calls it, “Going Rogue.”
The alleged blackmailer is Emmy winning CBS News producer Robert Halderman, was has been suspended by the network and arrested following a sting operation with police. It’s possible that all this backstabbing, scandal, and intrigue is just part of CBS new season of “Survivor: The Ed Sullivan Theatre.”
“The Late Show Latest”
David Letterman announced on his show that he had been the victim of an alleged blackmail scheme for sleeping with members of his staff. Paul Schaffer was quick to point out that it was entirely consensual.
It’s ironic that only a couple weeks after NBC put Jay Leno on at 10pm, all of CBS’s drama moved to 11:30.
The women he slept with who worked for his production company had kept it quiet until now, but it was Dave who just couldn’t keep it in his Worldwide Pants.
Amazingly, no evidence of the scandal had ever leaked out of Letterman’s Worldwide Pants.
Jimmy Kimmel almost had a similar scandal recently, but was able to avoid it when nobody wanted to sleep with him.
Letterman hinted that the sexual relationships had gotten pretty wild when he referred to them as “stupid pet tricks.”
Initially, Letterman just wanted to make sure that his sex partners gave him higher ratings than they gave Conan.
Letterman joked through his description of the real-life ordeal, leaving the audience unsure of whether or not the whole thing was made up. That is, until he read his list of “Top Ten Chicks I’ve Banged on this Show.”
Letterman has always looked confident onstage, even if a segment wasn’t getting big laughs. Now we know why: he always had another piece on the side.
Sarah Palin plans to call for Letterman to quit his job, or as she calls it, “Going Rogue.”
The alleged blackmailer is Emmy winning CBS News producer Robert Halderman, was has been suspended by the network and arrested following a sting operation with police. It’s possible that all this backstabbing, scandal, and intrigue is just part of CBS new season of “Survivor: The Ed Sullivan Theatre.”
Thursday, October 1, 2009
“Chinese Fireworks”
In New York, protesters gathered outside the Empire State Building following Wednesday’s lighting of red and yellow lights atop the building in tribute to China’s 60th anniversary. The protesters criticized China’s communist empire and rule of Tibet, but hello people, it’s called the “Empire State” building.
Chinese government representatives at the lighting were appalled, not so much by the protesters display, but by the fact that they weren’t hauled off to prison.
China was very happy to arrange a compromise tribute. There will be no lights for the anniversary, but everyone working inside the Empire State Building will be denied all human rights.
Chinese government representatives at the lighting were appalled, not so much by the protesters display, but by the fact that they weren’t hauled off to prison.
China was very happy to arrange a compromise tribute. There will be no lights for the anniversary, but everyone working inside the Empire State Building will be denied all human rights.
“Latest Dramatic Episode”
TLC has halted production of Kate Plus Eight in light of Jon Gosselin’s move for a cease and desist. This should be reversed by TLC’s countermove to stop payment on his checks.
“Scan Plan”
The Transportation Security Administration plans to add 150 body imaging scanners to airports, despite protests that they invade privacy by allowing screeners to basically see people naked. Skepticism is higher since the screeners’ new restriction, “No fat chicks.”
“Primate Practice”
Analysis of the 4 million year-old female ape-like fossil known as “Ardi,” has upset ideas about evolution; mainly that the divergence between man and chimps occurred at least a million years before previously thought. Ardi’s bones revealed this when discovered close to the ruins of the partially buried Statue of Liberty.
Said an angry paleontologist, “You maniacs! You blew it up. Damn you. Damn you all to hell.”
The fossilized remains suggest a creature about 4 feet tall. To prove that she was more human than animal, scientists are carefully combing the site where she was found, certain that they will eventually find high heeled shoes.
Said an angry paleontologist, “You maniacs! You blew it up. Damn you. Damn you all to hell.”
The fossilized remains suggest a creature about 4 feet tall. To prove that she was more human than animal, scientists are carefully combing the site where she was found, certain that they will eventually find high heeled shoes.
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Stuff in the News today...
Preorders for her pending book have already made Sarah Palin a bestselling author, weeks before the book’s scheduled November 17 release. As soon as the book arrives, Palin’s diehard fans will begin reading it, but then quit halfway through.
On Tuesday, Toyota issued a recall of 3.8 million cars driver side floor mats, which had caused the accelerator pedal to get stuck down, causing multiple crashes. It’s a shame, because just as the auto industry was turning around, they literally had the rug pulled from under them.
President Obama is in Denmark campaigning for Chicago to host the 2016 Olympics. His strongest argument: Chicago could certainly use the exercise.
Cirque du Soleil founder Guy Laliberte lifted off toward the International Space Station today, wearing a clown nose to make an important statement: Anyone following a clown into space should know that they have really, really big shoes to fill.
On Tuesday, Toyota issued a recall of 3.8 million cars driver side floor mats, which had caused the accelerator pedal to get stuck down, causing multiple crashes. It’s a shame, because just as the auto industry was turning around, they literally had the rug pulled from under them.
President Obama is in Denmark campaigning for Chicago to host the 2016 Olympics. His strongest argument: Chicago could certainly use the exercise.
Cirque du Soleil founder Guy Laliberte lifted off toward the International Space Station today, wearing a clown nose to make an important statement: Anyone following a clown into space should know that they have really, really big shoes to fill.
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
“Kate Plus Eight Is Enough”
The popular reality show Jon & Kate Plus Eight is being renamed Kate Plus Eight due to the break-up of the marriage. Kate will be getting physical custody of the children, while Jon will be getting physical with other women.
Despite allegations of infidelity on both sides, the real issue between the couple was which one of them was a bitch and which was just acting like one.
The network confirms that Jon will still be part of the show, meaning a check made out to him will be split eight ways for child support.
Jon and Kate both still have an exclusive arrangement with TLC, but then again, they both also used to have an exclusive arrangement with each other.
TLC briefly considered calling the show Bitch and a Bunch o’ Babies.
Producers were conflicted about which parent to feature more since their split, but ultimately it came down to showcasing what the audience really wants to see: Kate’s horrible hair.
Despite allegations of infidelity on both sides, the real issue between the couple was which one of them was a bitch and which was just acting like one.
The network confirms that Jon will still be part of the show, meaning a check made out to him will be split eight ways for child support.
Jon and Kate both still have an exclusive arrangement with TLC, but then again, they both also used to have an exclusive arrangement with each other.
TLC briefly considered calling the show Bitch and a Bunch o’ Babies.
Producers were conflicted about which parent to feature more since their split, but ultimately it came down to showcasing what the audience really wants to see: Kate’s horrible hair.
“Re-pent Up”
Yesterday was Yom Kippur, which meant Jewish people everywhere spent the day atoning for their sins. Unfortunately, Mel Gibson said he isn’t buying it.
“The Supremes”
The U.S. Supreme Court justices had their new group photograph taken Tuesday. The formal photo-op was quiet and uneventful except, of course, for Ruth Bader Ginsburg’s usual Basic Instinct leg-uncrossing.
“Tonight Postponed A Day”
On Friday, production stopped on the Tonight Show when Conan O’Brien had to be taken to the hospital. During the taping of a sketch, he had received a really big head injury. The injury wasn’t really big; just his head.
Friday, September 25, 2009
“Dumb Struck”
A study suggests that spanking of children may lower their IQ. A pro-spanking parent said, “I only spank my kid ‘cause he’s so stupid in the first place.”
This also explains parents’ retort to their misbehaving kids, “Don’t get smart with me.”
The spanking study was conducted by the University of New Hampshire’s Family Research Laboratory, under discipline expert Professor Murray Straus, or as he prefers to be called, Mistress Raven.
As for adults with low IQ’s, now we know what you’re into. (Wink.)
This also explains parents’ retort to their misbehaving kids, “Don’t get smart with me.”
The spanking study was conducted by the University of New Hampshire’s Family Research Laboratory, under discipline expert Professor Murray Straus, or as he prefers to be called, Mistress Raven.
As for adults with low IQ’s, now we know what you’re into. (Wink.)
“17 Billion, Trillion and Counting”
A Bank of America customer has filed a lawsuit for bad service, suing for $1784 billion, trillion. The man claims to have like, a ka-jillion supporters.
The bank has asked the man to drop the suit, and they offer their apology- times infinity!
The man wants the money delivered to his top secret tree fort in his backyard.
The bank said he can have the money, but only if he carries it all out himself, in pennies.
Rumor has it the U.S. government may not only allow the suit, but will award the full amount to the plaintiff, just to get their cut in tax money.
The bank has asked the man to drop the suit, and they offer their apology- times infinity!
The man wants the money delivered to his top secret tree fort in his backyard.
The bank said he can have the money, but only if he carries it all out himself, in pennies.
Rumor has it the U.S. government may not only allow the suit, but will award the full amount to the plaintiff, just to get their cut in tax money.
“Living Doll”
Mattel’s iconic doll Barbie is going to become the star of a live-action movie. The producers are already looking for an actress small enough to fit into Barbie’s clothes.
Some changes are necessary to insure a successful Hollywood movie. The actress selected to play Barbie will have a new face sewn to a fashionable style and her clothes will be painted on.
Some changes are necessary to insure a successful Hollywood movie. The actress selected to play Barbie will have a new face sewn to a fashionable style and her clothes will be painted on.
Thursday, September 24, 2009
“Baby, Baby”
An Arkansas woman and her husband discovered that she got pregnant while already pregnant for 2-and-a-half weeks, which is extremely rare. Even less common, however: the Arkansas couple discovered they are not brother and sister.
“Ice Capades”
NASA has discovered that the moon has a large amount of ice in its soil. Future uses of the ice may include separating the water into hydrogen for fuel and breathable oxygen. Best of all, astronauts in space will finally be able to keep their drinks cool.
Among the experiments NASA wants to conduct is a measure of the ice in the moon’s surface soil. Due to the millions of dollars it will cost, critics say NASA is already on thin ice.
As far as what to do with melted ice imbedded in soil, that’s where it gets into muddy water.
Among the experiments NASA wants to conduct is a measure of the ice in the moon’s surface soil. Due to the millions of dollars it will cost, critics say NASA is already on thin ice.
As far as what to do with melted ice imbedded in soil, that’s where it gets into muddy water.
“Bottom of the Summit” or “What Up, G?”
In Pittsburgh, the latest G-20 economic summit was met by at least several hundred protesters. The usual marches and chants were angrier than past summits, because this time the protesters had to come to Pittsburgh.
The Mamas and the Papas and the Daughter”
In her new book, former child star Mackenzie Phillips alleges that she had a 10-year incestuous sexual affair with her father, singer late John Phillips. Many have been shocked and disappointed, saying, “John, you could have done so much better.”
Slightly lessening the moral outrage, Mackenzie confirms that John was, at least, still alive at the time of the affair.
Slightly lessening the moral outrage, Mackenzie confirms that John was, at least, still alive at the time of the affair.
“Old Saying”
The world’s oldest man gave a speech at his 113th birthday party this week. No one had the heart to tell him that he had given the exact same speech last year.
“Gaining Exposure”
Michigan’s state legislature is trying to ban explicit billboards for strip bars and adult bookstores. State senators say that when they pass these billboards of scantily clad women in suggestive poses, they want to see them going down.
Though the courts have often struck down such bans as First Amendment violations, the legislators assure voters that they will be keeping a close eye on the billboard ads.
Resolved not to waste taxpayer money to fight the issue, several state senators have pledged their own money to investigate these businesses, personally, and the money is in the form of a big roll of singles.
Though the courts have often struck down such bans as First Amendment violations, the legislators assure voters that they will be keeping a close eye on the billboard ads.
Resolved not to waste taxpayer money to fight the issue, several state senators have pledged their own money to investigate these businesses, personally, and the money is in the form of a big roll of singles.
“They Grow Up So Fast”
In Indonesia, a woman gave birth to a 19.2 lb. baby boy. She has decided to name him, “I Hate You.”
The mother didn’t just have a cesarean section, she had the whole cesarean.
Actually, the operation was simple. The doctor just made one cut and then the baby stepped out.
Doctors trying to explain how the baby got to be so heavy said that most babies move and kick a lot in the womb, but this one just played video games.
The baby appeared healthy to hospital staff before it broke through the walls and began eating people.
The baby will soon be starring in a remake of Honey, I Blew Up the Kid.
Though it’s controversial, the parents plan on raising the child as a human.
Since bonding with the mother right away is important, the mom has been constantly letting her new son carry her around in his arms.
The parents can’t wait for the baby to say his first words, “Fe, fi, fo, fum.”
The mother didn’t just have a cesarean section, she had the whole cesarean.
Actually, the operation was simple. The doctor just made one cut and then the baby stepped out.
Doctors trying to explain how the baby got to be so heavy said that most babies move and kick a lot in the womb, but this one just played video games.
The baby appeared healthy to hospital staff before it broke through the walls and began eating people.
The baby will soon be starring in a remake of Honey, I Blew Up the Kid.
Though it’s controversial, the parents plan on raising the child as a human.
Since bonding with the mother right away is important, the mom has been constantly letting her new son carry her around in his arms.
The parents can’t wait for the baby to say his first words, “Fe, fi, fo, fum.”
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
“Blood Moon”
A long-term scientific study shows that a full moon does not have any effect on the outcome of heart surgery. The only mystery left is how the people who thought it would were called scientists.
The the surgeries were proven not to be directly affected, several of the doctors turned into wolves and ate their patients, who then failed to show up as part of the study.
The the surgeries were proven not to be directly affected, several of the doctors turned into wolves and ate their patients, who then failed to show up as part of the study.
“Out of Alaska”
Sarah Palin is on her first trip to Asia, and spoke today in Hong Kong. The first thing she said was, “I can see my house from here.”
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
“Smoky Flavor”
Tuesday, the new federal ban on fruit, candy, and clove flavored cigarettes took effect. The FDA says that such flavored tobacco products are a gateway to habitual teen smoking. Unfortunately, ever since they revealed that, the flavored crystal-meth business has been booming.
“Crime Doesn’t Pay”
A 91-year-old Palm Beach man thwarted a burglar when he awoke from bed, grabbed his gun, and chased the burglar off by firing a warning shot – all while naked. The man told the burglar to keep his hands in the air, to which the burglar said, “Shoot me if you want. I’m covering my eyes!”
“High Conscience Highness”
Prince Charles is urging the people of Great Britain to walk or use public transportation to get to work. Charles pointed out that he never drives to work, mainly because he doesn’t have a real job.
To really be environmental, the Royal family will start putting solar panels on their teeth.
To really be environmental, the Royal family will start putting solar panels on their teeth.
Monday, September 21, 2009
“In Denial”
Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said Monday that he is proud of his remarks denying the Holocaust. While this seems odd, it is consistent with his also being proud of his bad breath, low I.Q., and tiny penis.
The only thing that Ahmadinejad seems more proud of than his Holocaust denials is his vintage, beige Members Only jacket.
The only thing that Ahmadinejad seems more proud of than his Holocaust denials is his vintage, beige Members Only jacket.
“Pumped, Up in Age”
A Japanese bodybuilder continues to win championships at the age of 74. His goal is to inspire others towards a healthy lifestyle, and by stripping down and flexing in his Speedo, he certainly is putting a new wrinkle on it.
The bodybuilder spends most of his time at the gym to work out, because when he’s home, he feels compelled to just yell at kids to get off his lawn.
The bodybuilder spends most of his time at the gym to work out, because when he’s home, he feels compelled to just yell at kids to get off his lawn.
“Pained Win”
After winning her Emmy award Sunday night, actress Kristen Chenowith had to be checked by paramedics after complaining of a migraine. The paramedics initially found no pulse, but only because they mistook the Emmy statuette for Chenowith since it was taller.
Friday, September 18, 2009
“Tehr-ible Speech”
At a prayer gathering in Tehran, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad made a speech calling the Holocaust a “myth,” resulting in his being heckled and called a liar from the crowd. Finally, Joe Wilson and Kanye West have done something useful.
“All A-bored”
Saturday is “Talk Like a Pirate Day,” an annual excuse for exercising gruff, sea-faring terminology, which is all in fun unless you’ve been hijacked in the pacific by murderous Somali bandits.
“Text Sex Sting”
The Iowa Supreme Court upheld the conviction of a young man who sent a text photo of his erect penis to a teen female friend from school. The man had hoped that the court would overturn the conviction and that the girl would uphold his penis.
The fine he paid for disseminating obscene material to a minor was $250. At 25 cents per text, the picture was literally worth a thousand words.
This follows a trend of young people checking out each other’s cell phone skins.
The conviction in the original case was pretty solid, since the prosecution had photographic evidence of what the man was thinking with.
The girl who received the photo can’t be fully regarded as a victim in the case, because, since receiving the photo, she has kept her phone on vibrate.
The fine he paid for disseminating obscene material to a minor was $250. At 25 cents per text, the picture was literally worth a thousand words.
This follows a trend of young people checking out each other’s cell phone skins.
The conviction in the original case was pretty solid, since the prosecution had photographic evidence of what the man was thinking with.
The girl who received the photo can’t be fully regarded as a victim in the case, because, since receiving the photo, she has kept her phone on vibrate.
“New Year’s Eats”
This weekend is Rosh Hashana, the Jewish New Year. Among the holiday’s customs is dipping apples and other fruits in honey as a symbol for starting the year with sweetness. Then the rest of the year is spent worrying about getting diabetes.
Thursday, September 17, 2009
“The Newlywed Gays”
George Takei, of Star Trek fame, and his long-time partner and new husband will appear as the first gay couple on a celebrity week of The Newlywed Game on GSN. Bob Eubanks, who no longer hosts the show, will still hit on both of them.
Even though they will be the show’s first gay couple officially, telling secrets about your home life, getting excited about home appliances, and applauding to flashing lights and bright music have always made this a gay show.
TV historians note that the first gay, men to sit side by side on a game show were Charles Nelson Reilly and Brett Somers on Match Game.
-Innuendo "blank."
Game shows actually have a long history of gay personalities, from center square Paul Lynde on the original Hollywood Squares to every single cast member of American Gladiators.
Even though they will be the show’s first gay couple officially, telling secrets about your home life, getting excited about home appliances, and applauding to flashing lights and bright music have always made this a gay show.
TV historians note that the first gay, men to sit side by side on a game show were Charles Nelson Reilly and Brett Somers on Match Game.
-Innuendo "blank."
Game shows actually have a long history of gay personalities, from center square Paul Lynde on the original Hollywood Squares to every single cast member of American Gladiators.
“No Dirt over Dirty Dancing Star”
Actor Patrick Swayze’s body was cremated on Thursday. He could have had a monument at a beautiful corner cemetery lot, but, per his wife’s request, nobody puts Swayze in a corner.
“Eye of the Beholder” or “Fangs for the Memories”
A Mississippi woman who has been blind for 10 years had her sight restored when surgeons used a filed down tooth to hold a new lens in place in her eye. She can now see normally and just has to brush her eye twice a day.
The patient has been taking in every detail around her and they say she has a sharp eye.
She is able to see well enough to read again and has already chewed through several books.
She just has to be careful not to blink too hard, and that really bites.
Friends say the woman is thrilled to have the tooth in place. She hasn’t said so, but they can see it in her eyes.
Maintenance is simple. Once in a while she just has to whiten the tooth with a little Visine.
If her eyes get red, she just puts on one of those Crest whitening strips.
The only problem is that now, tweezing her eyebrows while driving is like pulling teeth.
Her color contact lenses have given her a built-in Bluetooth.
The patient has been taking in every detail around her and they say she has a sharp eye.
She is able to see well enough to read again and has already chewed through several books.
She just has to be careful not to blink too hard, and that really bites.
Friends say the woman is thrilled to have the tooth in place. She hasn’t said so, but they can see it in her eyes.
Maintenance is simple. Once in a while she just has to whiten the tooth with a little Visine.
If her eyes get red, she just puts on one of those Crest whitening strips.
The only problem is that now, tweezing her eyebrows while driving is like pulling teeth.
Her color contact lenses have given her a built-in Bluetooth.
“Putting the Ache in Acorn”
The House of Representatives voted to stop federal funding to ACORN, in the wake of undercover photojournalists’ video expose showing ACORN employees helping to hide prostitution, illegal alien trafficking, and child exploitation through tax fraud. President Obama, a former supporter, hopes the ACORN falls very far from the tree.
The group’s CEO said they “will go to whatever lengths necessary to reestablish the public trust.” In other words, shut down and reopen with a new name in 2 weeks.
ACORN loss of federal funds won’t hurt the group financially, since they clearly know how to make a lot more money by going into underage prostitution trafficking.
The House vote to cut funding was 345 to 75. The majority 345 were appalled by the group’s employees handling of the fake, undercover prostitution ring, while the other 75 were customers of real prostitutes.
The group’s CEO said they “will go to whatever lengths necessary to reestablish the public trust.” In other words, shut down and reopen with a new name in 2 weeks.
ACORN loss of federal funds won’t hurt the group financially, since they clearly know how to make a lot more money by going into underage prostitution trafficking.
The House vote to cut funding was 345 to 75. The majority 345 were appalled by the group’s employees handling of the fake, undercover prostitution ring, while the other 75 were customers of real prostitutes.
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
“Executive Derision”
President Obama called Kanye West a “jackass” for stealing Taylor Swift’s moment at the VMA’s. While some have criticized the comment, he’s right.
The remark was supposed to be off-the-record, but technically not off-the-twitter.
The president was going to say more, but Joe Wilson interrupted him.
Kanye did finally call Taylor Swift and apologize to her after her appearance on The View, at which Joe Wilson yelled “You Lie,” and then the whole cycle started again.
The remark was supposed to be off-the-record, but technically not off-the-twitter.
The president was going to say more, but Joe Wilson interrupted him.
Kanye did finally call Taylor Swift and apologize to her after her appearance on The View, at which Joe Wilson yelled “You Lie,” and then the whole cycle started again.
“Broiled New World”
Astronomers have confirmed the first solid-rock planet outside of our solar system. They are calling it the lava planet because its surface temperature is 3,600 degrees Fahrenheit. But it’s a dry heat.
The news of this planet’s existence is very exciting, especially to novelty gift manufacturers who want to mine the surface material to put it in lava lamps.
Scientists say that the temperature extremes make it impossible for any life to exist on the planet. Even if it did, their sunscreen costs and air conditioning bills would have killed them.
The news of this planet’s existence is very exciting, especially to novelty gift manufacturers who want to mine the surface material to put it in lava lamps.
Scientists say that the temperature extremes make it impossible for any life to exist on the planet. Even if it did, their sunscreen costs and air conditioning bills would have killed them.
“Burt’s Hurt” or “Reynolds’ Rap”
Burt Reynolds checked himself into rehab this week for prescription painkiller addiction. Reynolds pain was not from any injury, but for moviegoers who sat through Striptease and The Dukes of Hazard.
“Blockbusted”
Blockbuster Video is closing 800 to 900 stores by the end of next year, due to the recession and competition from Netflix and Redbox. The movie retail giant has a new business plan, but when they tried to put it in place they found it was already scratched and unusable.
“Electric Planet”
NASA reports that a lightning storm on the planet Saturn has been going for a record 8 months. Scientists believe the storm began right after some poor guy on Saturn washed his car.
The continuous storm activity shows a similarity to Earth, in that, every day Saturn’s weatherman says it will be sunny.
The continuous storm activity shows a similarity to Earth, in that, every day Saturn’s weatherman says it will be sunny.
“Burglary and Buggery” or “Double the Stubble”
A gay porn star and his twin brother faced burglary charges in Philadelphia Thursday for cutting a hole in the roof of a beauty shop to break in. They were caught when, out of habit, they filmed themselves penetrating the hole.
They could have targeted any type of business for their heist, but chose a beauty shop because it was the most stereotypical.
They broke in because, unlike their movies, the back door was not wide open.
Once the hole in the roof was made, and the gay porn actor was the first to go down.
The idea of prison brought both men to their knees.
They could have targeted any type of business for their heist, but chose a beauty shop because it was the most stereotypical.
They broke in because, unlike their movies, the back door was not wide open.
Once the hole in the roof was made, and the gay porn actor was the first to go down.
The idea of prison brought both men to their knees.
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
MY FATHER'S... DAY
Today is my father's birthday, so Happy Birthday, Dad! (This counts as a gift, right?)
“Oh, Mr. Wilson”
The House of Representatives voted to formally admonish Rep. Joe Wilson for his outburst as President Obama spoke to Congress last week. Wilson now has to stay after session and clap out the erasers for 2 weeks.
The House members then voted themselves a formal pat on the back for proving they can get things done.
House Democrats had insisted that Wilson offer an apology to the House, above the apology he made to the president. Meanwhile, the ones who are really sorry are Americans without health care.
The reprimand over his outburst goes down on Wilson’s permanent record, and the campaign money he’s received since the outburst goes down on his books as $500,000.
The House members then voted themselves a formal pat on the back for proving they can get things done.
House Democrats had insisted that Wilson offer an apology to the House, above the apology he made to the president. Meanwhile, the ones who are really sorry are Americans without health care.
The reprimand over his outburst goes down on Wilson’s permanent record, and the campaign money he’s received since the outburst goes down on his books as $500,000.
Monday, September 14, 2009
“Girl Interrupted”
At last night’s MTV Video Music Awards, Kanye West grabbed the microphone from Best Female Video winner Taylor Swift during her acceptance speech to praise a Beyonce video. The other thing Kanye seemed to like besides Beyonce: alcohol.
Kanye wasn’t so much trying to steal the spotlight from Taylor as he was trying to take attention off his stupid swirl-doodle haircut.
The winners of the awards were determined by MTV’s viewing audience, which is odd, because every single one of them is too young to vote.
Kanye wasn’t so much trying to steal the spotlight from Taylor as he was trying to take attention off his stupid swirl-doodle haircut.
The winners of the awards were determined by MTV’s viewing audience, which is odd, because every single one of them is too young to vote.
Friday, September 11, 2009
“Where There’s a Wilson, There’s a Way”
Rep. Joe Wilson’s interuption during President Obama’s address to Congress is fueling a backlash. For instance, Vice President Joe Biden said Wilson’s outburst demeaned the institution of the presidency, as he lay on the floor growling with a piece of raw meet in his teeth.
Wilson has raised $500,000 in campaign contributions from Republican supporters since the incident. He’s even changed his campaign slogan to, “You Lie!”
Wilson apologized after the outburst, but based on the cash flow towards his reelection, his whole new political strategy will now be outburst, apology, outburst, apology.
Critics question whether Wilson was genuinely sorry for calling the president a liar, since his apology came with a pair of trousers meant to replace the president’s pants-on-fire.
Wilson has raised $500,000 in campaign contributions from Republican supporters since the incident. He’s even changed his campaign slogan to, “You Lie!”
Wilson apologized after the outburst, but based on the cash flow towards his reelection, his whole new political strategy will now be outburst, apology, outburst, apology.
Critics question whether Wilson was genuinely sorry for calling the president a liar, since his apology came with a pair of trousers meant to replace the president’s pants-on-fire.
“Cheetah Girl”
At the Cincinnati Zoo, an 8-year old cheetah named Sarah broke the world’s land-speed record for mammals. She ran 100 meters in 6.13 seconds, shattering the old record by 3 seconds. Her competitors are, of course, now demanding gender testing.
Cheetahs’ speed comes from their sleek body structure, efficient food-to-energy conversion, and, of course, massive doses of steroids.
Cheetahs’ speed comes from their sleek body structure, efficient food-to-energy conversion, and, of course, massive doses of steroids.
“Shoe on the Other Foot”
The Iraqi journalist who threw his shoes at then-President Bush is to be showered with gifts upon his upcoming jail release, including several fathers’ marriage offers for their daughters. Any such bride, however, will be sad, because her husband cares nothing about shoes.
His gifts include a 2-story house in a posh section of Baghdad. “Posh” meaning, “Not blown up.”
Of course, a 2 story house in Baghdad usually means a one story house that fell on top of another one story house.
His gifts include a 2-story house in a posh section of Baghdad. “Posh” meaning, “Not blown up.”
Of course, a 2 story house in Baghdad usually means a one story house that fell on top of another one story house.
“Sex Crime”
Earlier this week an Ohio man crashed his car through the entrance to an adult book store. He apparently missed the sign that said, “parking in the rear.’
The man was, at least, wearing his seatbelt. He remembered that whenever you go into a sex store, you should always wear protection.
After the crash, the man stole a sex toy and fled the scene. Police had the shop owner describe the missing dildo… and the sex toy he stole.
The man was, at least, wearing his seatbelt. He remembered that whenever you go into a sex store, you should always wear protection.
After the crash, the man stole a sex toy and fled the scene. Police had the shop owner describe the missing dildo… and the sex toy he stole.
“Oldest Title Passed On”
The world’s oldest person, a 115-year-woman originally from Georgia, passed away this week. Naturally, police suspect foul play.
She had been living here in Los Angeles, or as she called it, “the cougar den.”
She either had a heart attack or OD’ed on Geritol.
Doctors haven’t yet confirmed the cause of death, but have ruled out a motorcycle jump over a shark tank.
The title of oldest person now goes to a 114 year old woman living in Japan. Her hobbies include blinking and occasionally making sense.
She had been living here in Los Angeles, or as she called it, “the cougar den.”
She either had a heart attack or OD’ed on Geritol.
Doctors haven’t yet confirmed the cause of death, but have ruled out a motorcycle jump over a shark tank.
The title of oldest person now goes to a 114 year old woman living in Japan. Her hobbies include blinking and occasionally making sense.
“Battle of the Sex”
The IAAF’s unreleased gender testing report on South African runner Caster Semenya says that she was found to have internal testes and no ovaries. The Australian press leaked the information to the public, which really shows balls.
Supporters are encouraging Caster to take stand, just like she does when she pees.
It appears that Caster puts the “organ” in “organized women’s sports.”
Supporters are encouraging Caster to take stand, just like she does when she pees.
It appears that Caster puts the “organ” in “organized women’s sports.”
Thursday, September 10, 2009
“Americ-ellen Idol”
Replacing Paula Abdul, Ellen Degeneres has been named as the new 4th judge on American Idol. It’s unclear exactly why producers chose the blonde, gay, sport-jacket clad TV host since they already have a Ryan Seacrest.
“Under the Weather”
Media mogul and pioneer Frank Batten, Sr., who co-founded the Weather Channel, died Thursday at the age of 82. Batten’s wife and 3 adult children show an 80% chance of shedding heavy tears through midweek, then a sharp cooling off in the fight for his money.
Friends, colleagues, and loved ones, will be paying their local respects “on the 8’s.”
Friends, colleagues, and loved ones, will be paying their local respects “on the 8’s.”
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
