The World Cancer Research Fund’s large-group, 5-year study has provided more evidence that fat is a big factor in the development of cancer. Oh, great. Do you realize how hard it’s gonna be, if anorexic person gets cancer now, to convince her she’s not fat?

The study points to the salt and nitrates in processed and smoked meats in particular, which have been linked to carcinogens. The processed meat industry dismissed the findings as “a bunch of baloney. Delicious, healthy baloney.”

The American Institute for Cancer Research recommends eating 18 oz. or less red meat per week, avoiding processed meats, exercising 30 minutes a day, and limiting alcoholic beverages to 1 or 2 per day, at which point America as a whole said, Wait, wait; we’ll just take the cancer.



Speaking of fat, Britain has become the heaviest nation in Europe, with a rising 23% obesity rate among its population. We should have seen the warning signs, in popular literature. Turns out everyone at Hogwarts wears cloaks and robes because they can’t fit into trousers.



NASA announced that as early as Friday, astronauts may attempt a space-walk to fix the damaged solar panel, which tore Tuesday as it unfurled. The hastily planned repair is described as risky and unprecedented. NASA officials, meanwhile, are super-excited, as this is the coolest space-mission story since Apollo 13.



Rolling Stone magazine is celebrating its fortieth birthday this week with a commemorative issue and several parties. The commemorative issue was needed as they start having trouble remembering things, and the parties will include healthy snacks and bingo, and will be over by 10pm.



In a speech about health care, President Bush made a joking reference to Vice President Dick Cheney as Darth Vader. As if to show he has a sense of humor, Cheney began laughing for several seconds as Bush seemed to be strangled by an invisible hand.

The Supreme Court is considering an appeal of the $2.5 billion punitive damages award against Exxon Mobil over the 1989 Exxon Valdez spill of 11 million gallons of crude oil. Exxon’s lawyers are really clever. They say, since global warming had raised ocean water levels, the oil to water ratio is far less.

The lawyers went on to say that Exxon Mobil should actually be rewarded for preserving the environment by preventing wildlife from completely overrunning the area.



Following President Bush’s recent healthcare bill veto, Congressional Democrats are strategizing a compromise bill with Republicans to get the two-thirds majority needed to override it. The new bill would grant healthcare to all poor children as long as they invest in blue-chip stocks and carry a hand-gun.



A pastor in Lexington, KY is having all members of his congregation send letters of support to Britney Spears. “As a church, let's love Britney the way Jesus loves her." That’s a nice idea, but isn’t it possible that some church members want to love Britney in a different way?

The plan lost it's steam a bit, however, when Britney took off after hitting and damaging a parked car that tuned out to belong to Jesus.

"No preaching. No criticizing. Just love,” the pastor said in his sermon. So the obvious things not to mention are her divorce, parenting, alcohol, drug abuse, court orders, driver’s license, hit-and-run, her dancing, her singing, or hair extensions.

We all know Britney has had her share of troubles lately. Imagine having two little ones that are getting bigger and bigger every day, but you can’t even see them. But enough about her lips.

From Today's News (Part 2)

Idaho’s senior Senator, Larry Craig ha spoken out about his arrest and guilty plea for disorderly conduct involving soliciting an undercover policeman in an airport bathroom in June. He says the incident was a misunderstanding. He went into the Men’s room hoping to meet a man who wasn’t a cop.

Craig said today in a statement that he is not gay, and he’s got a hand-job waiting for any man who can prove otherwise.

Craig had been the Senate liaison for Mitt Romney’s presidential campaign. Amid the controversy, however, he has stepped down. Or, at least, dropped to his knees.



The Census Bureau revealed today that in 2006, 47 million Americans lacked health insurance. Just thinking about that made me feel sick.

Improvements to the current, broken system just seem like a band-aid. But the band-aid isn’t covered under our HMO.


Andrew Ahlering, the L.A. County employee who led The Committee to Recall (Sheriff) Lee Baca over the Paris Hilton jail sentence ordeal, has resigned. Ahlering said he is looking forward to going back to private life and having his plates run every time a sheriff’s deputy sees his car.

Ahlering said that in trying to raise money to campaign for the recall, he had raised less than $100. At that rate, he may as well pocket the money. It’s not like people get jail time over that amount with Lee Baca in charge.

His petition accused Sheriff Baca of giving special treatment to celebrities. Somehow, L.A. restaurants, nightclubs, fashion houses, movie studios, and TV networks failed to support Ahlering’s cause.

Of the 400,000 signatures needed to get the recall on the ballot, Ahlering said that he had been able to get only 40. So I’m guessing a career in politics is probably not in his future, either.



Live With Regis and Kelly is celebrating 20 years on the air. Every year the show is nominated for the best talk show Emmy award, but has never won. Isn’t not having to see Kathy Lee Gifford every day reward enough?