“Pop Proposal”

http://www.usatoday.com/life/people/story/2011-12-16/britney-spears-engaged/52009134/1

Britney Spears has gotten engaged, to Jason Trawick, who was her manager until May, 2010, when they began dating.  Instead of a wild, crazy bachelorette party, Britney will just have a flashback to 2008.

The pair ended their professional relationship to concentrate on their personal one.  In other words, Jason can quit his job, now that he’s got himself a sugar mama.

It is unknown at this time if there will be a pre-nuptial agreement, but one thing is for sure: Jason will insist that Britney not open-mouth kiss Madonna anymore.

The Supreme Court is considering an appeal of the $2.5 billion punitive damages award against Exxon Mobil over the 1989 Exxon Valdez spill of 11 million gallons of crude oil. Exxon’s lawyers are really clever. They say, since global warming had raised ocean water levels, the oil to water ratio is far less.

The lawyers went on to say that Exxon Mobil should actually be rewarded for preserving the environment by preventing wildlife from completely overrunning the area.



Following President Bush’s recent healthcare bill veto, Congressional Democrats are strategizing a compromise bill with Republicans to get the two-thirds majority needed to override it. The new bill would grant healthcare to all poor children as long as they invest in blue-chip stocks and carry a hand-gun.



A pastor in Lexington, KY is having all members of his congregation send letters of support to Britney Spears. “As a church, let's love Britney the way Jesus loves her." That’s a nice idea, but isn’t it possible that some church members want to love Britney in a different way?

The plan lost it's steam a bit, however, when Britney took off after hitting and damaging a parked car that tuned out to belong to Jesus.

"No preaching. No criticizing. Just love,” the pastor said in his sermon. So the obvious things not to mention are her divorce, parenting, alcohol, drug abuse, court orders, driver’s license, hit-and-run, her dancing, her singing, or hair extensions.

We all know Britney has had her share of troubles lately. Imagine having two little ones that are getting bigger and bigger every day, but you can’t even see them. But enough about her lips.

In an effort to change her party-girl image, Paris Hilton is headed for Rwanda. She’ll definitely be taken a lot more seriously after she sleeps with a bunch of Rwandan guys.

She will be there on a charity mission for five whole days, visiting schools and health care clinics. The pattern is; meet and greet with kids, get an STD treatment, kids, STD treatment…

The entire trip will be filmed, because if there is one thing that Rwanda can do for the world, it’s focus some attention on Paris Hilton.

Paris had a comment on her storied dating life as well, saying, “I’ve been linked to so many guys, but there’s nothing romantic going on at all.” Relationship experts agree: there’s nothing romantic about drunk, stranger-sex on a men’s room floor at The Palms.



Two of O.J. Simpson’s co-defendants from last month’s hotel room armed robbery case have made deals with prosecutors to testify against Simpson in his trial. The two men may or may not help the D.A.’s case, but one thing is certain. O.J. will kill them.



The World War II veteran that recovered Hitler’s globe from his Bavarian home in 1945 is putting it up for auction, where it is expected to fetch $15-20,000. It would be worth even more, but Hitler’s Axis fell apart over 60 years ago.

The bad news is: that the globe could be in better condition. The good news is: Hitler’s dead.



Britney Spears is said to have had less involvement on her newest album than on previous discs. Well, they say this is true of all musicians: their songs really are like their children to them.

The Center for Environmental Health reported today that they have given legal notices to major retailers who have been selling products found to have high levels of lead. The stores included Wal-Mart, Target, K-Mart, Sears, Costco, and not surprisingly, All Things Lead.

The fact that lead is so prevalent despite government regulations is bad news for reatilaer and consumers. Good news for alchemists, though.

Lead has been found to be dangerous in toys if swallowed or sucked on by young children, and even more so in bullets if you are shot with one.

Congress has introduced new legislation to impose tighter restrictions on lead use, mostly intended to foil the plans of any criminal mastermind trying to conceal things from Superman’s X-Ray vision.
Good work, Congress.



Wonton Food, the largest fortune cookie maker in the U.S., has added some cautious messages to their rotation of fortunes, such as “Today is a disastrous day…” and, “It’s over your head now. …Get some professional help.” Still, it isn’t as bad the classic cookie message, “Eat me.”

So far there have not been many complaints from customers, except for one who admitted being surprised to open a cookie to a handwritten message that said, “I peed in your rice.”

The one thing Chinese restaurant patrons have found annoying is when they open a fortune cookie, and before they can read their fortune, they are solicited to refinance their mortgage.



David Hasselhoff has been hospitalized for detox. He was rushed to L.A.’s Cedars-Sinai Medical Center, but appeared on camera to be moving in slow motion.

It should be noted that Hasselhoff, a worldwide celebrity as a movie, TV, and recording star, has battled with alcoholism since long before Britney and Lindsey made it so trendy.



Congratulations to Jennifer Lopez, who is pregnant. In fact, she is expecting twins. And this time, that doesn’t refer to her ass.



Britney Spears new album, Blackout, is being released two weeks early, due to songs already spilling out on to the Internet. This is not without precedent. Audiences will of course remember Britney herself recently spilling out of her outfit on the VMA’s.

Her label, Jive Records, of course, condemns any illegal downloading or distribution of songs. They say that the only illegal activities they can condone are parked car hit-and runs, driving without a license, controlled substance abuse, and child endangerment.

Britney’s first single from the album, “Gimme More,” is already up to number 3 on Billboard.. But Britney is looking more and more like number two.

Blackout, the title of the album, is a reference to Britney’s favorite drinking hobby.



Starbucks has recalled 250,000 plastic cups for children, due to concerns that they could break and pose a choking hazard. Parents who purchased the $6 cups can either get a refund or use the money as a down payment on a Starbucks drink.

In her ongoing child custody battle, Britney Spears now has been given a court order for drug testing. Sadly, she won’t be testing a drug that promotes hair re-growth.

Both Britney and ex-husband Kevin Federline are required to complete a “Parenting without Conflict” class, and were ordered to keep off drugs. In the interest of justice, they were also ordered to keep off MTV.

Britney was also ordered by the judge to refrain from drinking alcohol. Not for child custody; just to help her get rid of her beer belly.



Biologists have solved the mystery of where sea-turtle hatchlings disappear to for up to 5 years before returning close to home to live out their lives. It turns out they swim out to the open water of the ocean. The research was conducted by the Center for Obvious Studies.

These are turtles, right? The famously slow-moving animals? This was a mystery for 50 years. No one could try to follow them? You wouldn’t even need to be a fast swimmer. All you need is an air tank and some weights to keep from outrunning them.

And gee… the ocean. What a surprise. No one ever thought that sea turtles might have swum out to sea? Where did they think they were going, Vegas?

The real surprise of the discovery is that the juvenile sea-turtles, who were previously thought to be lifelong vegetarians, live on an all meat diet. Well, sure. When you’re young you don’t think about fat intake, cholesterol, etc.

As mature adults, sea-turtles eat sea grasses. Of course. By then, they realize they need more fiber.

The change starts right about the time they start telling their kids that their music is too loud.

So the kids swim off to the ocean.



The Juice is loose!

O.J. Simpson was released from jail today, on $125,000 bail. I think the judge set the amount too high. If you’re going to put O.J. back on the streets, you don’t want him mad!

His girlfriend was in court when O.J. faced the judge. The pretty young blond didn’t say anything, but you can’t blame her for not wanting to stick her neck out.

Regarding the armed robbery incident in Las Vegas over his sports memorabilia, Simpson is facing 10 felony charges, which may be a new NFL and personal record! Congratulations, O.J.!

All kidding aside, O.J., don’t kill me.

According to a new report, the Transportation Security Administration’s airplane cargo hold security practices are severely lacking. In fact, the Department of Homeland Security feels that safety and inspections are so bad, they thought Chinese toy factories were running it.



Congress is consideration legislation to require paper ballots in national elections, due to concerns about potential technical problems with more high-tech voting machines. Paper ballots make sense, since most of the candidates are cardboard cutouts anyway.

Everyone wants a fair vote, but there are opponents who say cost of a system-wide national change back to paper is a big issue. And obviously, the trees don’t get a vote.

All this may be a little too anti-technology. For example, look at absentee computer ballots. Under the new law, online voters will have to write on their flat-panel screen with a Sharpie.



Britney Spears will appear on MTV’s Video Music Awards this Sunday, mainly because she hasn’t been getting enough attention from the media.

In a related story, Kevin Federline is asking MTV to pay him a large fee, or else he’ll show up and rap.

Brit is scheduled to perform a new song called “Gimme More,” which we can speculate is about her still re-growing hair.

Fans might remember Britney's other famous MTV Awards appearances, with the python, and the kiss with Madonna. You know, back when she was thin and pretty.

Ever the concerned mother, Britney has yet to decide if, during her performance, she should let her 2 young boys get drunk backstage, or just wait in the car, unattended.



In Maine, a 65-year old woman wishing to buy wine at a local supermarket was turned away because she didn’t have a legal ID with her. Either the clerk was really a stickler for the rules, or he was trying to get a little cougar action.

Apparently it wasn’t good enough to prove her age by being able to recall where she was when President Lincoln was shot.

She had other proof of her age. Her iPod is filled with Lawrence Welk.

She was disappointed not to have been able to get her wine, because she was on her way to party! And by party, I mean, a bingo parlor.

Luckily, her grandchildren knew a place where they don’t card anybody.

The woman was reassured when she visited a senior community center the next day, and the group activity was making fake ID's.

From Today's news: Friday, Aug. 17, 2007

A Canadian mother gave birth to identical quadruplet girls, it was reported yesterday. No fertility drugs were used by the parents to conceive. And I don’t think they are going to start now.

Four identical baby girls. In your face, Olsen twins!



The National Snow and Ice Data Center reported that sea ice in the Arctic is at it’s lowest level on record, ever. I heard about this and I was shocked. There’s a National Snow and Ice Data Center???

The center is based in Colorado, which makes sense. That’s where most of the national snow and ice is.

My first question about their Arctic findings is, what the hell were they doing there? The Arctic isn’t even part of the nation!

And to all the environmentalists who have been warning about global warming causing a water shortage, here’s the proof that you were wrong. All that melted snow and ice is now water. So bring back the aerosol cans and factory smoke stacks!

On a more serious note, the melting does cause a major chain reaction of events with far reaching consequences. For example, it could be disastrous to the ice fishing industry.



Britney Spears is on the cover of the new Allure magazine out Tuesday, but she stood up the interviewer for the written piece 4 times. So in the issue, you will see a glamorous image on the outside, and nothing at all on the inside. At last, the world will understand her.

From Today's News, Aug. 10, 2007

While surrounded by paparazzi, Britney Spears hit a parked car while parking to do some shopping in Studio City, CA. Wow. Look how far she has to go now, to divert photographers from noticing whether or not she’s wearing underwear.

She left no note and made no attempt to contact the owner of the car she scraped. Maybe she didn’t notice the damage, or maybe she did but thought, “Oh, it’s nothing worth shaving your head over.”

Okay, so she hit a parked car. Give her a break. It’s the only hit she’s had in 3 years.

You know, this little car accident seems to be the perfect analogy for her life on the whole. No, wait. THAT’s a train wreck.



Congress is considering a measure to raise federal tax on cigarettes to $1 a pack. If the tax hike passes, economic experts say that the best way for smokers to save money is to just switch to crack.

A new warning on packs will say; Cigarette smoking can be hazardous to your wealth.

The rise in the cost of cigarettes will have other effects. Prisons have been warned to be on the lookout for counterfeit smokes being used as currency.

As the cost of cigarettes increases, it does become a bigger burden or lower-income smokers, household budgets result in two opposing scenarios: #1, people try to cut down or quit smoking, and #2, Tobacco-whores.



Luciano Pavoratti, who was admitted to a hospital in Italy earlier this week, is still being kept for observation. Through his wife he told reporters he expects to be released in the coming days. Also, she said he’s doing better, ending the conversation on a high note.

Pavoratti has not performed live, publicly since his pancreatic cancer surgery last year, but has continued to work on music recordings. It’s not the same, but it’s his choice how to conduct himself.



The U.S. Army is pulling extra staff into recruitment to try to meet their goal of 80,000 new personnel per year. Most of the people being shifted to recruiting seem optimistic. A spokesman for the department said, “Hey, it beats going to Iraq!”

The army has used successful slogans in the past, such as “Be all you can be.” “Army of one,” and the more recent “Not just strong. Army strong.” Now they’re going to a new one: “Got war?”