“Home Security”

http://www.usatoday.com/news/washington/story/2012-01-27/mortgage-crime-unit-FBI/52820212/1

The federal government has put a new crime unit in place to focus on home mortgage fraud cases.  This is little consolation to those who lost their homes, since those in the financial services industry who are convicted of mortgage fraud still get to spend years living in free, federal housing.

“Payroll Drop” or “Late Employees”

http://www.usatoday.com/money/perfi/retirement/story/2011-09-23/dead-people-receive-benefits/50530466/1

A government report discovered that over $600 million has been paid out in the name of disabled federal workers and retirees after those employees had died.  Because they worked for the federal government, there was no way to tell the living ones from the dead.

So dead employees continue to get paid, but they don’t continue to receive health benefits.

The government actually prefers dead employees, because they don’t request time off.

When federal employees or pension recipients die, the usual practice is that their pay benefits only last until a new administration is voted in.

The government was finally forced to stop payment to employees who had passed on, but only because the afterlife is considered overtime.

“Social Security Not So Secure”

http://www.usatoday.com/money/perfi/retirement/2011-06-14-social-security-overpayments_n.htm

A government investigation revealed that Social Security had overpaid $6.5 billion to retirees and the poor in 2009.  The error was found when it was discovered that these people were suddenly eating up to three meals a day. 

“A Dead Devil's Diary"

http://www.usatoday.com/news/world/2011-05-11-bin-Laden-journal_n.htm?csp=hf

The Associated press reported that U.S. officials are in possession of Osama bin Laden’s hand-written, personal journal, which shows how immersed he still was in all of al-Qaeda’s activities up until his death.  Also, not surprisingly, according to the journal he had a secret crush on George W. Bush.

Journal entries included ideas for terror attacks on smaller U.S. cities, targeting trains as well as planes, and trying to maximize the number of American casualties.  Also, a lot of flowers and hearts in the margins.

Because the journal was supposed to be private, the Pakistani government is pretending they didn’t already see and read it from cover to cover.

“Who’s Afraid of the Big, Bad Endangered Species Act”

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/ondeadline/post/2011/02/mont-governor-says-state-will-ignore-us-protections-and-kill-gray-wolves/1

Montana’s Governor Brian Schweitzer informed the White House Wednesday that his state will allow the killing of federally protected gray wolves preying on livestock. The governor insists that there is an even more endangered species to protect; Little Red Riding Hood.

Schweitzer is concerned about a backlash. he doesn't want to be known as the governor who cried wolf.

To protect their cattle herds, some ranchers have had to kill individual wolves, but now some hunters are up to a pack a day.

Teenagers nationwide are asking for special protection at any cost for Taylor Lautner.

“Addressing the State of the Union"

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/theoval/post/2011/01/obama-weve-got-to-up-our-game-against-global-competition/1

Tuesday night President Obama delivered his State of the Union Address to the combined houses of Congress, emphasizing, education, innovation, fixing the health care system, and freezing domestic spending. Naturally, Republicans were universally displeased that the president didn’t grant Christopher Nolan a Best Director nomination.

The president made the point that in order to insure a brighter future, the United States must “lead the world in innovation.” To push his point, Obama himself invented statistics and percentages that would boost his agenda.

Obama also innovated the pseudonym of “government investing” for “collecting taxes.”

In a change of protocol, members of Congress were not seated by party, so Republicans and Democrats were seated side by side throughout the gallery. Though this was supposed to symbolize bipartisanship, it only led to spitballs, wet willies, and Indian burns.

“Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell, Don’t Rule, Don’t Judge”

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20101014/ap_on_go_ca_st_pe/us_gays_in_military

The Pentagon is seeking to delay the enforcement of a federal judge’s ruling “Don’t Ask Don’t Tell” unconstitutional earlier this week. The Justice Department has said that before anyone is outed as gay, they want a chance to come out to their parents, first.

The government said Thursday that ending the ban on openly gay service members “would be disruptive and harmful to the strength and effectiveness of the U.S. military.” The thing they point to that would hurt out troops in action the most: rainbow camouflage.