“Dirty, Dirty Bomb”

http://edition.cnn.com/2012/04/30/world/al-qaeda-documents-future/?hpt=hp_c1

CNN says that Maqsood Lodin, a suspected al-Qaida operative caught in Germany  was carrying a memory stick hidden in his underwear that had terrorist plans encoded  within a pornographic movie.  Security agents find the information on the sticks extremely valuable – and not just for the porn.

The plans include details for attacks on ships, bombings of hotels, and execution of civilians.  It almost makes you not want to search people’s underwear.

Thogh terrorists anger and hate are often hard to understand, security agents were able to confirm that the tiny memory stick was the biggest things in Maqsood’s underwear.

In a counter terror analysis of the material on the memory stick, the porno featured terrible acting and  a weak plot. 

“Shorts Sentence”

http://www.usatoday.com/news/nation/story/2012-02-16/underwear-bomber/53115186/1

Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab, better known as the underwear bomber, was sentenced to multiple life sentences Thursday, for trying to blow up a jet plane bound for Detroit, Dec 25, 2009.  This despite his lawyer’s attempt at a defense that an awful in-flight meal caused the explosion in his underwear.

The bomb hidden in his underwear ignited and burned him, but failed to explode.  Apparently, for Umar, nothing below the waist ever worked very well.

Due to his botched bombing, if he ever got on another plane, he would be able to stow his genitals in a carry-on bag.

There is little concern that Umar might catch a venereal disease in prison, since he has already had a flaming crotch.

He’s expected to be very popular in prison, especially since his posterior has already been blown wide open.

The multiple life sentences were imposed because the judge felt that the defendant would try to commit future terrorist acts if ever released, if only he still had the balls.

“Implanted Evidence” or “Scare Tactics”

http://travel.usatoday.com/flights/story/2011/07/TSA-warns-airlines-of-explosive-implants/49154470/1?csp=hf

The TSA has issued a warning to airlines that terrorists might try to surgically implant bombs into their bodies.  They issued that warning when they saw the average American’s  cholesterol level.

No doubt about it; it’s a ticking time bomb.

This means that if Kim Kardashian really did have butt implants and they became unstable, she could be charged with carrying weapons of ass destruction.

If suicide bombers are willing to insert explosive devices into body cavaties as a way of concealing them, in a way, that means we really have won the war on terror.  You stick a bomb up your own butt, you lose.

The terrorists may not find it that easy to have explosive implants put in.  Only one out of three Beverly Hills plastic surgeons is willing to insert implants with a live fuse sticking out.

Just remember, if you are a suicide bomber putting explosive implants in your body, use saline instead of silicone.  Safety first.

Terrorist organizations have only one volunteer so far: Heidi Montag.  She will get any kind of implant they can make.

How does al-Qaida convince its members to sign up for explosive implants?  “Yes, brothers, get explosive implants.  You will be richly rewarded, not only in heaven, but here on earth, too... briefly.  You are going to kill Americans, but first, you’ll go from an A-cup to a double-D!  (Beat.)  First... va-va-voom.  Then... va-va-boom!”

“A Dead Devil's Diary"

http://www.usatoday.com/news/world/2011-05-11-bin-Laden-journal_n.htm?csp=hf

The Associated press reported that U.S. officials are in possession of Osama bin Laden’s hand-written, personal journal, which shows how immersed he still was in all of al-Qaeda’s activities up until his death.  Also, not surprisingly, according to the journal he had a secret crush on George W. Bush.

Journal entries included ideas for terror attacks on smaller U.S. cities, targeting trains as well as planes, and trying to maximize the number of American casualties.  Also, a lot of flowers and hearts in the margins.

Because the journal was supposed to be private, the Pakistani government is pretending they didn’t already see and read it from cover to cover.

“Al-Qaida: Haters”

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/ondeadline/post/2011/05/al-qaeda-confirms-osama-bin-ladens-death-in-internet-statement/1

Al-Qaida has confirmed the death of Osama bin Laden – or are they just lying to protect him?

In their long, eleven-paragraph Internet statement, al-Qaida threatened new attacks on America.  That’s right; eleven paragraphs.  Apparently they are now trying to bore us to death.

As soon as al-Qaida admitted they were angry that bin Laden’s life had been cut short, all of their suicide-bombers-in-training stopped what they were doing and said, “Aha!”

Al-Qaida’s new terror threats were vague, and with one of their main financiers and leader gone, their new attacks may be things like grafitti on billboards, throwing eggs at government buildings, or streaking on college campuses. 

Their chant of “Death to America” being replaced by “You got punk’d, America!”

"Bin Laden Audio"

http://www.usatoday.com/news/world/2011-01-21-bin-laden-france_N.htm?csp=hf

Osama bin Laden, while admitting that al-Qaeda is holding 7 French hostages, has demanded that France withdraw its troops from Afghanistan. He just can’t stand the smell any longer.

Bin Laden’s message was sent as an audio recording broadcast on the Arabic news channel Al-Jazeera, where he continues to regularly send mix tapes and his voice-over audition reel.

“Vege-Terrorists”

http://news.yahoo.com/s/yblog_thelookout/20101222/us_yblog_thelookout/report-al-qaeda-plotted-to-sprinkle-poison-on-u-s-salad-bars

Officials revealed Tuesday that the al-Qaida cell that tried to pass toner-cartridge bombs in October also had a plot to poison restaurant salad bars. If they carried out that plan, based on American eating habits, they could have killed as many as… 0 people.

When asked if the “salad plot” scared them, most Americans responded, “What’s a salad?”

Meanwhile, the Terror alert was raised to Orange today when it was discovered that Americans are continuing to poison themselves with fast food and all-you-can-eat buffets.

The al-Qaida terrorists had previously attempted to attack America’s salad bars with germ weapons, but they were foiled by the sneeze guard.

“Dropping the Bomb”

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/ondeadline/post/2010/11/al-qaeda-cell-in-yemen-says-it-sent-us-bound-bombs/1

A Yemen-based Al-Qaida cell is now taking credit for the 2 parcels bombs intercepted before reaching Chicago synagogues last week. Last week. Apparently, even their claim of responsibility was sent by snail mail.

Even though the bombs didn’t go off, they still took responsibility. Apparently someone is hoping to get promoted just for taking a little initiative.

It’s hard to know if they are telling the truth. Since the bombs failed to detonate, they have asked that their postage be returned.

They wanted to take credit right away, but they were afraid the whole thing would blow up in their faces.

A warning: these are bad terrorists. I mean, both bombs were intercepted, and both were disarmed. These guys are just bad terrorists. They even suck at being evil.