“Slim Victory”

Forbes magazine named its 2010 “world’s richest people” this week, and beating out Bill Gates to top the list this year is Mexico’s Carlos Slim Helu. Forbes said, however, that Gates is still the “world’s biggest nerd.”

Meanwhile, Oprah Winfrey just keeps quietly pulling the strings...

“If the Horseshoe Fits”

A Missouri state legislator is proposing the revival of the horse-slaughter and meat processing industry. Staying out of Missouri: Sarah Jessica Parker.

“Tweets for the Sweet” or "CoCo Twitter Bug"

Conan O’Brien randomly chose rural Michigan’s Sarah Killen as the only person he would follow on Twitter, making her an over 20,000 follower Twitter sensation. While some wonder, ‘why Sarah?’ Hollywood asks, “Why did Conan snub Farrah Fawcett?”

Conan warned Sarah in his Twitter post, “Your life is about to change.” David Letterman has used the same line, but only on his female staff members he was trying to sleep with.

“Communist A-gender”

Cuba has resumed a government healthcare policy to grant sex change operations to citizens for free. Under Fidel Castro’s rule, the program had not been given support for many years, but only because he knew he’d look weird as a woman with a long beard.

Well, the sex change isn't really free, exactly. for starters, they make you live in Cuba...

It is hoped that though Cuba is considered a totalitarian state, eventually the sex change operations will be voluntary instead of mandatory.

In a related story, Miami reports a recent influx of beautiful-looking women with Adam’s apples.

“Lost Boy”

Actor Corey Haim, who starred in Lucas and other teen movies of the ‘80’s, died at the age of 38. Not the cause of death: Leukoplakia.

Corey was probably best known for having been in the movie The Lost Boys. Then he became one.

Haim will be missed most by his adoring fan club, better known as Corey Feldman.

“E-Tirade”

Lindsay Lohan is suing E-Trade for defamation over their talking-baby Super-bowl commercial featuring a baby named “Lindsay,” said in the ad to be a “milkoholic.” Lohan wants E-Trade to change the ad so the baby is an alcoholic.

Lindsay is suing for $100 million, and wants full payment in the form of drugs and liquor.

Lohan further claims the commercial paints her in a negative light since the baby isn’t a lesbian.

In E-Trade’s defense, the baby they hired to play Lindsay was late to set and trashed her hotel room.

Though stories of Lindsay Lohan’s substance abuse, stints in rehab, and troubles with the law have become tabloid staples over the past few years, some may remember that she used to be an actress.

“Spyin’ on Ryan”

A man accused of stalking Ryan Seacrest pleaded no contest to felony charges in a Los Angeles court Tuesday. The man decided to cooperate with prosecutors once he realized there could be no legitimate excuse for showing interest in Ryan Seacrest.

Relieved to hear the outcome of the case, Seacrest said, ‘THIS… is AmERican Justice.”

Ryan is just happy that the ordeal is over. Happy and gay.

“Worldwide Pants Down”

David letterman’s alleged blackmailer Robert “Joe” Halderman admitted in a plea deal that he sought money and tried to damage David Letterman’s career behind closed doors. It’s what is now known among late-night TV talk show hosts as The Leno Maneuver.

As the blackmailer copped a plea, somewhere Letterman copped a feel.

“The Drug Boat”

A passenger on a Carnival cruise was thrown in the brig and charged once back in L.A., for allegedly raiding the ship’s medicine cabinet and stealing large quantities of Percocet and morphine. The man says he didn’t know it was Carnival; he thought it was Carnivale'.

“Harrassed”

The federal government says that the volume of sexual harassment claims from men are on the rise. Perpetrators of the harassment insist that’s not the only thing on the rise.

-Yeah, you know you love it.

The number of men claiming harassment has doubled over the last 20 years, according to government figures. And the way they are showing off their figures, you just know they want the attention.

Bosses accused of harassment admit that their behavior was inappropriate and sleazy, and what they really deserve is a good spanking.

Some of male complaints, however, were that there was not enough sexual harassment in the workplace.

Ooh, yeah, you like that joke, don't you? You are a baad boy... You pretend, "Don't make that joke." "Stop." "Don't - Stop!" "...Don't stop!" ...so I won't.

“Flight of Passage”

A Swedish pilot was removed from an Amsterdam plane for having flown for 13 years with a fake license. The airline was outraged at the long deception, but then thrilled to back-charge the pilot for every past flight, suitcases, blankets, and headphones.

Oddly, the passengers felt less safe once there was no pilot to fly the plane.

Luckliy, the airline had a replacement pilot, passenger Ted Striker.

The “pilot” had logged 10,000 hours of flying over 13 years, but officials became suspicious of his credentials because he was never stuck-up or drunk.

Before being removed from the plane, the pilot said over the P.A. system:

“Attention passengers. This is the captain speaking. Welcome aboard. Before we take off, take a look out your window on either side of the plane, so you won’t see me arrested, hand-cuffed, and carted off to jail. Enjoy your flight.”

The pilot may face a fine of thousands of dollars, or 90 trillion sky-miles.

“Tourism Trade”

President Obama signed a bill into law to create the non-profit Corporation for Travel promotion, to promote U.S. tourism abroad. The law will also require a $10 visitors fee. Bill Clinton had a similar plan, except instead of a flat $10, he wanted to charge a 2-drink minimum to party in America.

“Clip of the Day”

A Michigan man was arrested for illegally performing 3 adult circumcisions without a license. The man was about to offer an excuse, but decided to cut it short.

“Prostate Screening Advice Now Leaning the Other Way”

The American Cancer Society is no longer encouraging annual rectal exams for prostate cancer screenings, which have proven beneficial. The way they are discouraging it is by telling doctors that if they perform the exam, it means they’re gay.

The theory was based on assumptions about annual rectal screenings, but they have since been able to poke a hole in it.

Without the ACS’s support, this means that the prostate exam, as it has been known the last several years, is going back to its original name, ‘the reach-around.’

This also means that patients who have been cooperative about getting a prostate exam will no longer by backing it up.

“Star-Big-Bucks”

Starbucks is introducing a new size for iced coffee and tea drinks, larger than the Venti. When serving the new Trenta, baristas will just dump a barrel of your iced beverage over your head.

If you order the Trenta intending to sit and drink it inside a Starbucks, you have to pay a surcharge to use their bathroom.

Instead of cutting prices to compete in this economy, Starbucks has closed convenient locations and now has a drink so large it is unwieldy. On a role, their next plan is to invent a louder cappuccino machine.

The price of the Trenta is your first born child, plus tax.

“Anti-Social Networking”

The Israel Defense Force had to call off a West Bank raid after a soldier posted details of the operation on his Facebook status. Conversely, soldiers post such details all the time on MySpace and no one ever pays any attention.

A similar situation arose recently, inadvertently alerting a terrorist cell to remove all their secret munitions from Farmville.

“Ahead of Their Time”

NASA Scientists have calculated that Chile’s earthquake last week may have shifted the world’s weight towards its axis, permanently shortening the length of a day by just over 1 millionth of a second. So enjoy it; from now on, leave work one millionth of a second early.

This means that in a million days, or 2,738 years, prepare in advance: Set your watch 1 second ahead so you won’t be late.

“Dressed to Kill”

The Smithsonian Institution has rejected the donation of OJ Simpson’s suit from the day he was acquitted on charges of murdering his ex-wife Nicole Brown Simpson and her friend Ron Goldman. Of course, OJ will now submit a counter-suit.

Asked to describe the features of the suit, OJ said it fit like a glove.

OJ’s plan was to donate the suit, then steal it back at gunpoint as his personal memorabilia.

OJ no longer has the clothes he wore when looking for the ‘real killers.’ To raise money for legal bills, he had to sell that golf attire to Second Hand Sports.

OJ said he wanted to donate the suit he wore when he was acquitted, but he wants to keep the suit he wore when he committed the murders for sentimental reasons.

“Inventive Incentives”

Toyota is trying to recover from sales losses with unprecedented offers such as low lease rates and 0% financing on models that had been subject to the recall over a potentially deadly brake defect. The least popular deal so far: $10,000 cash back if you come to any Toyota dealership and just let a salesman kill you.

“Campbell’s Slap”

Naomi Campbell’s driver in New York City says that she became angry and hit and punched him from the back seat as he drove. Campbell may be slapped with a law suit. The driver will just be slapped again.

The driver was intimidated because Naomi looked so fierce.