NEWS SUMMARY

New York’s Governor David Paterson made the announcement today that he was ending his campaign for re-election, but defended his record and stressed that he will remain in office until the end of his term. An aide then came in and informed Paterson that he had been speaking alone, to an empty room.



President Obama’s Social Secretary Desiree Rogers announced Friday that she would be stepping down. Most Americans had not even heard of Ms. Rogers until this announcement. Turns out she’s not that social of a secretary.



A 6.9 earthquake hit off the southern coast of Japan early Saturday morning. There have not yet been any related reports of violence, emotional trauma, or property damage, but if there are, Japan is already prepared to make a TV game show out of it.



Two massive, giant icebergs, one 60 and the other 48 miles long, dislodged from Antarctica and are now floating together in the Southern ocean. Word is, they finally find out James Cameron made another movie and were hoping to get cast if it was a Titanic sequel.

“Taking a Stab at Therapy”

A Cincinnati psychiatrist had been charged with assault for stabbing a woman in his office. The psychiatrist explained that half of psycho-analysis is... psycho.

Said Sigmund Freud, "Jah, the stabbing was clearly the result of a childhood trauma. You see, the weapon was obviously symbolic of the penis… and in this case, the psychiatrist is the actual penis.”

The psychiatrist claims it was an accident, saying the knife just made a Freudian slip.

“Cure for Health Care”

President Obama’s health coverage summit took place today, and was televised, live, for 7 straight hours. Now, that’s some healthy coverage.

Though little in the way of bipartisanship was achieved, both Democrats and Republicans accomplishing one major goals: getting lots of face-time on TV.

“Free Whale-y”

In the wake of the Sea World tragedy this week, PETA is calling for all whales and dolphins to be set free from all aquariums and water parks, to live in the open waters of the wild. This marks the first PETA is in complete agreement with poachers.

“Matters of the Heart”

Dick Cheney was taken to the hospital early in the week for having had a mild heart attack following complaints of chest pains. Or as he refers it, ‘Monday.’

Cheney’s heart was described as small, shriveled and dark, but for him that’s normal.

Cheney is expected to be released and be back to his secret, scary work in no time.

“Give ‘Em a Brake”

Toyota says it is still investigating the cause of the faulty brakes that necessitated their recent recalls. They has been accused of knowing about the problem, acting too slow to correct it. It seems that, just like their cars, Toyota’s problems show no sign of slowing down.

Toyota owners used to tease American-made car owners about their vehicles breaking down. As we now know, Toyota’s vehicles never brake.

“Scanners”

Boston’s Logan and Chicago’s O’Hare Airport will be the first U.S. cities to have the new clothing-penetrating full-body scanners installed within 2 weeks. It could prove a lose-lose situation, as critics say the scanners invade passengers’ privacy, and scanner technicians know Boston and Chicago have more than their fair share of fatties.

The scanners were paid for with federal stimulus money, marking the first use of public funds to see your privates.

“Fine Network Programming”

CBS was back in court this week, trying to fight the 2004 FCC ruling which fined the network for Janet Jackson’s Superbowl Halftime show “wardrobe malfunction.” CBS says the fine is unfair, describing it as ‘tit for tat.’

The decency issue discussed Tuesday was over the flashing of a 41-year-old Janet’s bare right breast. In a related story, Tuesday was also National Pancake Day.

“A Little News”

A man from Nepal is traveling to Europe to petition to be named the world’s shortest man. He is 18 year’s old and only 22 inches tall. Experts say his chances are small.

Doctors in Nepal have reportedly been unable to explain why he is so small. Doctors in every other country, however, say it’s because he hasn’t grown.

The man wants the title and to be entered into the Guinness Book of World Records, but even more than that he says, “I wants me pot of gold.”

Even if he gets the official world record and fame that goes with it, he will likely return to his regular job, working in Santa’s workshop.

Maybe you never knew about this man from Katmandu before, or about his story, but now you feel close to him. If so, for you, the world just got a little smaller.

“Super Rich”

A rare copy of the first Superman comic book was sold at auction for $1 million. The buyer wished to remain anonymous, but is described as a mild-mannered reporter for a great metropolitan newspaper.

The selling price for the classic 1938 book shatters the previous record for a comic, which was a shock to the buyer once he saw the price on the cover says 10 cents.

The comic book will seem familiar to fans of the movie Superman Returns in one way. It’s the exact same weight as Kate Bosworth.

One interesting note is how the art may be interpreted differently through time. To comic readers of 1938, Superman appears to be lifting a car over his head. In 2010, he is obviously catching a run-away Toyota.

“Can a Tiger Change his Stripes?”

Tiger Woods issued a public apology for his infidelities on Friday, asking his fans to find room in their hearts to believe in him again. He also asks that they find rooms in hotels for him to get it on.

Woods addressed rumors that his wife Elin hit him on the night he left home and crashed his Escalade. He insisted that his wife has never hit him. Ever. No once. Yet.

Tiger took the blame, praised his wife, and sounded sincere. He hopes that somehow all of this will, over time, get him laid.

-With his wife or not; doesn’t matter.

“G’day, Saint”

Pope Benedict XVI confirmed sainthood on Mother Mary MacKillop, making her Australia’s first saint. In the 1800’s, Mary built schools with the Sisters of St. Joseph, after a brief stint with the Order of the Bloomin’ Onion.

Mother Mary will become the matron saint of all things Australian. This means any Catholic in need can pray to her whenever they are lost on a walkabout, are threatened with a boomerang, or see a bad Nicole Kidman movie.

“Easy Come, Easy Go”

Ronald Howes, Sr., inventor of the Easy Bake Oven, died this week at the age of 83. His remains will be cremated using a single light bulb.

“Weapons of Mass Disappearance” or “Gun Shy”

A Department of Homeland Security report revealed that between 2005 and 2008, department officers lost 289 firearms. Disturbingly, 15 wound up in the hands of crime suspects. Even more disturbingly, the rest wound up in the hands of a drunk Rip Torn.

Former President George W. Bush, who helped create the department following 9/11, was disappointed to hear that so many weapons were lost. Especially since now those guns will never be used to kill anybody.

“Party Pooper”

When Dick Cheney attended a Conservative Political Action Committee meeting with his daughter Liz, the crowd chanted “Run Cheney, Run” referring to a 2012 presidential bid. Cheney waved them off and pretended not to have secretly held the job for 8 years.

“Film School”

A Philadelphia area school district is being accused of issuing webcam-outfitted laptop computers to students in order to spy on them. The superintendent said, “I have no comment about the allegations or anything we saw during ‘Operation: American Pie’.”

Students became suspicious when they started getting homework assignments like “Go home and walk around the house naked.”

It doesn’t look good for the teachers that grades were no longer based on students’ test scores, but on how hot they are.

“Tiger Pause”

The Wildlife Conservation Society reports that the world’s wild tiger population has dropped to an all-time low. In the United States, however, the divorce rate and shortage of single men has caused an upswing in the number of cougars.

The biggest threats to tigers are deforestation, hunting by poachers, and most of all, cheating on their wives.

Experts say that tigers’ best chance of survival now is to promote Frosted Flakes.

“Q-Tips on the Q-T?"

Transportation officials may begin new airport security screening including swabbing air passengers' hands to detect explosives or chemical residues. The hand-swabbing is faster than proposed body scanners, and less invasive than random wet-willies.

Terrorists may be forced to hide their activities by extreme measures they have never attempted before, such as washing their hands.

“Dead Wrong”

A Memphis, Tennessee funeral home mixed up two bodies, resulting in a deceased man being mistakenly cremated and a woman’s remains buried in a grave in his place. This never would have happened if they had clearly posted signs in the room, “Ashes to ashes,” on one side, “Dust to dust” on the other.

The funeral director wants to try to make it up to the cremated person’s next of kin, but he’s already been burned once.

Setting the fire to the wrong body may yet lead to even more firings.

The funeral home didn’t admit the mistake at first, due to a “Don’t Ash, Don’t Tell” policy.

“In Phillips' Head”

Singer Chynna Phillips has entered rehab treatment for anxiety. The anxiety was over her father John Phillips somehow being more sexually attracted to her sister Mackenzie.