“Jesse’s Girls”

A third and fourth woman came forward this week with claims of an affair with Sandra Bullock’s husband, Jesse James. James was known as a reality TV star, most recently in Jesse James Is a Dead Man, an apparent prediction of his fate now that Sandra knows what he’s been up to.

“Stripped of Funds”

Strip clubs in Texas are fighting a $5-per-customer “pole tax” by claiming it violates free speech. State officials say that speech and communication aren’t part of the equation, but club owners argue that in their all-nude establishments, patrons can sometimes lip-read.

The legislature doesn’t want to repeal the strip-club tax, knowing that is can be a sticky issue.

If the court doesn’t rule on the tax, the whole thing may land in the voters’ laps.

Critics say the tax won’t affect strippers’ income, and the job is easy anyway. But the dancers say, making a living this way really is a grind.

“Lactation Location”

A new study by the CDC says that the number of women breast-feeding varies by several factors including place. This seems counterintuitive, since one would assume that the only place to do it is at the breast.

A coyote that has been running loose on the streets of New York City, weaving in and out of traffic, was caught humanely by police this week. The coyote was in town to make large purchases from the Acme company.

When apprehended, the coyote held up a little sign that said "Yipe."

Police caught the coyote using a trap that caused it no pain: They tricked it into falling through a hole to hit the desert floor a thousand feet below, raising a cloud of dust, and then they dropped a giant boulder on it.

The police caught the coyote based on tips from an informant who did not with to give his name, but can be seen in this police surveillance photo:

The Roadrunner also happened to be in town on business, being a major holder in the high-speed Internet department of Time Warner Cable.

“Going to Pot” or “Pot to Polls”

California election officials certified that enough petition signatures have been gathered to put a marijuana legalization vote on the state ballot this coming November. But experts predict that supporters will either be too stoned to show up or too paranoid to vote ‘yes.’

If the measure passes, California will be at odds with federal law, which still deems pot possession unlawful. That’s why California is calling the measure, “Proposition ‘Stick It to the man.’”

This could be good news for Florida, because if California farmers start growing marijuana, they’re going to forget all about their citrus trees.

“Muscle Bug”

Scientists have revealed a type of horned dung beetle to be the world’s strongest insect, able to pull over 1100 times its own weight. Apparently, the beetle was bitten by a radioactive spider and gained its proportional strength.

To prove that the beetle could move a large-sized piece of dung, they had it lift Spencer Pratt.

“Pot Boiler”

Three suspects were arrested in North Hollywood trying to rob a marijuana dispensary late Tuesday night. The suspects will be tried by a jury of their peers, necessitating a very high court.

There were no witnesses to the robbery. Actually, there were plenty of other people around, but they were all either staring at a wall or their hand.

Dispensary customers say this is the worst marijuana-related crime they know of since, quote, “that one dude bogarted that roach we had.”

“Old Code”

Scientists have decoded DNA from a 30-50,000 year-old human species that seems not to be related to modern humans or Neanderthals. These ancient peoples’ closest living relative is their uncle, Larry King.

According to genetic evidence, the biggest difference between these humans and modern man it that their thumbs weren’t evolved for text-messaging, dooming them to extinction.

“Chili con Carnage”

In India, the military is developing a tear-gas type of non-lethal weapon out of the world’s hottest chili pepper, the so-called “ghost chili.” Those who ingest the chili pepper may retaliate with their own weapon, a deadly gas bomb.

Military police could trade in their nightstick for a pepper mill.

The ghost chili is known to be more than 100 times more potent than a jalapeño. This means a pepper grenade could take out a roomful of enemy combatants, or season a huge bucket of hot wings.

Weapons experts agree that this will definitely spice up traditional warfare.

There may some legal confusion, though, over the fact that if you attack someone with a pepper, the charge would be a-salt.

“Signing of the Times”

President Obama signed his landmark health care bill today, which will add sweeping changes to America’s healthcare system. Obama used several pens in the signing ceremony, developing writer’s cramp, carpal tunnel, and hand callouses whose treatment will cost taxpayers $938 billion.

When Vice President Joe Biden introduced the president to the podium at the signing, he whispered to Obama, “This is a big f***ing deal.” Political rivals called Biden’s language sickening. But now, those sickened can get health insurance.

“Prom Queens”

A federal judge ruled Tuesday that a Mississippi high school violated a lesbian student’s rights when they cancelled the senior prom over her plan to attend with her girlfriend, but the judge will not force reinstatement the prom. But, maybe if the girl dropped 10 pounds…

“Rosie Picture”

Rosie O’Donnell is planning a new daytime talk show for next year. With Oprah Winfrey ending her long-running show, the only other thing Rosie needs to be seen on television again is for more people to buy those wide-screen TVs.

“Octo-Porn?”

Octomom Nadya Suleman is considering an offer from Vivid Entertainment to appear in an adult video. Said a family counsellor: "It's good to see that Nadya has stopped exploiting her children, and has resumed exploiting herself... as an example to her children."

Nadya will not star in a sex scene, exactly. Her vagina will be the soundstage for a group scene.

“Domin-ating India”

Last week, Domino’s Pizza opened it’s 300th restaurant in India, the fastest growing market for the American-based chain. In fact, if they can’t open a Domino’s for you there in 30 minutes, the entire store is free.

Domino’s has been a particularly popular brand in India. Said a marketing analyst: “The people of India really seem to respond well to the Domino’s logo. Something about the dots…”

“Ol’ Miss-on-Miss Action”

The Mississippi high school that cancelled the senior prom over same sex dating defended their decision in court this week, saying the issue had become too big a distraction. The school board doesn’t however, consider constant national media attention a distraction at all.

The school board will eventually have to admit that “distraction from education” is not really the issue. People who want to be educated generally just leave Mississippi.

Constance McMillan, the senior who wanted to bring a same-sex date, also planned to wear a tuxedo to the formal dance. This offended many of the locals, who can’t understand why overalls “ain’t formal enough.”

“The Sand People”

In Fargo, North Dakota, kids have been released from school this week if their parents let them volunteer to help sandbag areas where severe flooding has been a threat to the community. Child Services is okay with the missed school hours, but says that it was wrong to use children as sandbags.

Though all sandbagging volunteers have been welcome, leaders were forced to reject some gay volunteers' offer to help with tea-bagging.

“Cab Un-Fair”

New York’s Taxi and Limousine Commission were tipped off this week about a scam where cabbies have been overcharging riders to a total of over $8 million in 2 years. Immune to the scam were African Americans, because they couldn’t get a cab to pick them up.

Asked to comment, a taxi driver said, “Are you talkin’ to me? Are you talkin’ to me?”

The tip-off on the scam came from a Manhattan doctor, who was overcharged by $2. He then billed the Taxi Commission $500 for his diagnosis.

“Roll-back to Racism”

Internal officials are trying to determine who took over the PA at a New Jersey Wal-Mart to say, “Attention Wal-Mart customers. All black people leave the store now.” Security is looking for a suspect who is described as “not black.”

The story proves that you really can get everything at Wal-Mart; even racism.

Wal-Mart, as appalled as their customers, apologized immediately for the incident. Some customers wanted more from Wal-Mart, like quality merchandise.

“News Leak”

NASA announced that astronauts’ planned launch aboard the Space Shuttle Discovery next month may be delayed due to leaky valves. This is also the reason astronauts sometimes wear diapers for lift-off.

“Runway Run-around”

This week, American Airlines became the 3rd airline to file for exemption from the Dept. of Transportation’s new rule to fine planes that keep passengers on the tarmac for longer than 3 hours. American also wants to be allowed to tie up and beat their passengers.

American said that the airline would likely end up canceling flights rather than risk the fine, and that would hurt passengers. They ignored the fact that the main thing that hurts passengers is charging them $15 per bag.

“Birth Wait”

The Hawaii state legislature is considering a measure that would allow them to ignore President Obama’s so-called “birthers.” This has inspired Republicans in Congress to considering a measure to ignore President Obama.

“Ugg-ly Truth”

A debate has begun regarding Ugg brand and other sheepskin boots, with claims that they pose serious long-term health issues. The source of the primary concerns and complaints: sheep.

“Priests at The Vatican Don’t Get It”

On Sunday, The Vatican strongly rejected the idea that celibacy required for priests has any connection to the Church’s sex abuse scandal. Hurting their credibility, however, was the fact that the Vatican’s spokesman was humping the podium as he spoke.

“Hole in the TARP”

Park Avenue Bank’s former president, Charles Antonucci, has been charged with fraud and embezzlement for shuffling funds to appear viable enough to receive a government bailout. In jail, Antonucci will learn what it means to really need to be bailed out.

The bank took $11.2 million in government bailout funds from the Troubled Asset Relief Program. Their defense is that $11.2 million is small, compared to the amount of money they pretended to have.

This outraged those who realize that the millions in hard-earned tax-payer dollars Antonucci took really belong in the pocket of other, poorly managed multi-million-dollar businesses.

“Sick Pains”

Steven Marshall, an executive producer for the 1980’s sitcom Growing Pains, was convicted of distributing child pornography and sentenced to 7 ½ years in prison. While there, his anus will have its own growing pains.

This news changes the long held opinion that Kirk Cameron was the most disturbed person on that show.

“Rated R for Resigning”

Dan Glickman is stepping down as the chairman of the Motion Picture Association of America. He cites Hollywood’s graphic violence, nudity, sexual content, drug use, adult situations, and pervasive language; and that’s all before the cameras start to roll.

"Shrimpy Evidence”

A NASA science team looking for animal life beneath 600 feet of Antarctic sheet ice found a shrimp-like amphipod . Though some think it may have coincidentally traveled to that exact spot, others are sure someone close must have ordered sea monkeys.

The NASA team’s discovery prompted one important question: What the hell does this have to do with Space?

Catching More of this Week's Stories...

Last Sunday, a woman in a movie theater was stabbed in the neck with a meat thermometer after telling a fellow moviegoer to stop talking on their cell phone. According to the meat thermometer, the woman was already done.


A Santa Monica restaurant called "The Hump" has been accused of illegally selling sushi with whale meat. Fans of the restaurant did their legal defence no favour, standing outside the closed restaurant chanting "We want The Hump back!"


Earlier this week, a Mississippi school system after it cancelled a senior prom to prevent a lesbian student from wearing a tuxedo and bringing a same-sex date. Said a homophobic Mississippian: "If we let girls date girls and wear tuxedo-pants an' such, we might as well change our name from Mississippi to Dude-issippi."


On Thursday. a 55-year-old man broke into a church where he allegedly used the institution’s electronic equipment to watch pornography. The Church's priests were never suspected of having been the ones to view the pornography, because it wasn't gay porn.


A new study shows that kidney donors live as long, on average, as those who have not donated a kidney. The study was meant to reassure all those people who are waking up hung-over and naked, in a bathtub full of ice.


A New York woman who said her botched breast enhancement surgery left her looking like she had four breasts was awarded $3.5 million dollars for pain and suffering. Then she was sold to a dairy farm.


Four U.S. Senators are questioning the near-$1 million compensation for the CEO of the Boys and Girls Clubs of America, a non-profit that receives million in federal funding. Some aren’t surprised about the large sum, as the organization’s logo is a hand-over-fist.


Friday was International Women’s Day. The White House marked the occasion with a speech by Michelle Obama on progress in women’s issues. The rest of the country celebrated with “Two-for-one lap dances.”


A British research study found that women who take the birth control pill live longer than women who don’t. Said a British mother: “Of course women on the pill live longer. They don’t have kids to suck the life out of them day and night.”

“Downward Turn”

The government said Thursday that highway traffic fatalities have dropped to the lowest level since 1954, thanks to drunk driving laws, seatbelt and airbag use, and mostly, people jumping out of the way of Toyotas.

“Prom Queen”

The ACLU is suing a Mississippi school system after it cancelled a senior prom to prevent a lesbian student from wearing a tuxedo and bringing a same-sex date. Since it is a Mississippi town, the girl is expected to date her own cousin like everyone else.

School officials were shocked to learn that the girl was a lesbian, because in Mississippi, everyone still has a mullett.

“So Help Me God”

A federal appeals court ruled that the phrases “Under God” and “In God We Trust” in the pledge of allegiance and on U.S. currency do not violate separation of church and state. God, however, has tried to limit his association with the U.S. since the first Bush administration.

Regarding the stamping of phrases on money, however, another lawsuit has been filed, by a Mr. Pluribus Unum, first initial, E.

“Piece of the Prize” or “A Noble Prize”

President Obama donated the $1.4 million he received for winning the Nobel Peace Prize to charity. He decided that the money should go to those less fortunate, like the banks, Wall Street, and auto industry.

Obama wants his winnings to benefit the needs of those who desperately need help and funding just to survive. Like the Democratic Party.

“Slim Victory”

Forbes magazine named its 2010 “world’s richest people” this week, and beating out Bill Gates to top the list this year is Mexico’s Carlos Slim Helu. Forbes said, however, that Gates is still the “world’s biggest nerd.”

Meanwhile, Oprah Winfrey just keeps quietly pulling the strings...

“If the Horseshoe Fits”

A Missouri state legislator is proposing the revival of the horse-slaughter and meat processing industry. Staying out of Missouri: Sarah Jessica Parker.

“Tweets for the Sweet” or "CoCo Twitter Bug"

Conan O’Brien randomly chose rural Michigan’s Sarah Killen as the only person he would follow on Twitter, making her an over 20,000 follower Twitter sensation. While some wonder, ‘why Sarah?’ Hollywood asks, “Why did Conan snub Farrah Fawcett?”

Conan warned Sarah in his Twitter post, “Your life is about to change.” David Letterman has used the same line, but only on his female staff members he was trying to sleep with.

“Communist A-gender”

Cuba has resumed a government healthcare policy to grant sex change operations to citizens for free. Under Fidel Castro’s rule, the program had not been given support for many years, but only because he knew he’d look weird as a woman with a long beard.

Well, the sex change isn't really free, exactly. for starters, they make you live in Cuba...

It is hoped that though Cuba is considered a totalitarian state, eventually the sex change operations will be voluntary instead of mandatory.

In a related story, Miami reports a recent influx of beautiful-looking women with Adam’s apples.

“Lost Boy”

Actor Corey Haim, who starred in Lucas and other teen movies of the ‘80’s, died at the age of 38. Not the cause of death: Leukoplakia.

Corey was probably best known for having been in the movie The Lost Boys. Then he became one.

Haim will be missed most by his adoring fan club, better known as Corey Feldman.

“E-Tirade”

Lindsay Lohan is suing E-Trade for defamation over their talking-baby Super-bowl commercial featuring a baby named “Lindsay,” said in the ad to be a “milkoholic.” Lohan wants E-Trade to change the ad so the baby is an alcoholic.

Lindsay is suing for $100 million, and wants full payment in the form of drugs and liquor.

Lohan further claims the commercial paints her in a negative light since the baby isn’t a lesbian.

In E-Trade’s defense, the baby they hired to play Lindsay was late to set and trashed her hotel room.

Though stories of Lindsay Lohan’s substance abuse, stints in rehab, and troubles with the law have become tabloid staples over the past few years, some may remember that she used to be an actress.

“Spyin’ on Ryan”

A man accused of stalking Ryan Seacrest pleaded no contest to felony charges in a Los Angeles court Tuesday. The man decided to cooperate with prosecutors once he realized there could be no legitimate excuse for showing interest in Ryan Seacrest.

Relieved to hear the outcome of the case, Seacrest said, ‘THIS… is AmERican Justice.”

Ryan is just happy that the ordeal is over. Happy and gay.

“Worldwide Pants Down”

David letterman’s alleged blackmailer Robert “Joe” Halderman admitted in a plea deal that he sought money and tried to damage David Letterman’s career behind closed doors. It’s what is now known among late-night TV talk show hosts as The Leno Maneuver.

As the blackmailer copped a plea, somewhere Letterman copped a feel.

“The Drug Boat”

A passenger on a Carnival cruise was thrown in the brig and charged once back in L.A., for allegedly raiding the ship’s medicine cabinet and stealing large quantities of Percocet and morphine. The man says he didn’t know it was Carnival; he thought it was Carnivale'.

“Harrassed”

The federal government says that the volume of sexual harassment claims from men are on the rise. Perpetrators of the harassment insist that’s not the only thing on the rise.

-Yeah, you know you love it.

The number of men claiming harassment has doubled over the last 20 years, according to government figures. And the way they are showing off their figures, you just know they want the attention.

Bosses accused of harassment admit that their behavior was inappropriate and sleazy, and what they really deserve is a good spanking.

Some of male complaints, however, were that there was not enough sexual harassment in the workplace.

Ooh, yeah, you like that joke, don't you? You are a baad boy... You pretend, "Don't make that joke." "Stop." "Don't - Stop!" "...Don't stop!" ...so I won't.

“Flight of Passage”

A Swedish pilot was removed from an Amsterdam plane for having flown for 13 years with a fake license. The airline was outraged at the long deception, but then thrilled to back-charge the pilot for every past flight, suitcases, blankets, and headphones.

Oddly, the passengers felt less safe once there was no pilot to fly the plane.

Luckliy, the airline had a replacement pilot, passenger Ted Striker.

The “pilot” had logged 10,000 hours of flying over 13 years, but officials became suspicious of his credentials because he was never stuck-up or drunk.

Before being removed from the plane, the pilot said over the P.A. system:

“Attention passengers. This is the captain speaking. Welcome aboard. Before we take off, take a look out your window on either side of the plane, so you won’t see me arrested, hand-cuffed, and carted off to jail. Enjoy your flight.”

The pilot may face a fine of thousands of dollars, or 90 trillion sky-miles.

“Tourism Trade”

President Obama signed a bill into law to create the non-profit Corporation for Travel promotion, to promote U.S. tourism abroad. The law will also require a $10 visitors fee. Bill Clinton had a similar plan, except instead of a flat $10, he wanted to charge a 2-drink minimum to party in America.

“Clip of the Day”

A Michigan man was arrested for illegally performing 3 adult circumcisions without a license. The man was about to offer an excuse, but decided to cut it short.

“Prostate Screening Advice Now Leaning the Other Way”

The American Cancer Society is no longer encouraging annual rectal exams for prostate cancer screenings, which have proven beneficial. The way they are discouraging it is by telling doctors that if they perform the exam, it means they’re gay.

The theory was based on assumptions about annual rectal screenings, but they have since been able to poke a hole in it.

Without the ACS’s support, this means that the prostate exam, as it has been known the last several years, is going back to its original name, ‘the reach-around.’

This also means that patients who have been cooperative about getting a prostate exam will no longer by backing it up.

“Star-Big-Bucks”

Starbucks is introducing a new size for iced coffee and tea drinks, larger than the Venti. When serving the new Trenta, baristas will just dump a barrel of your iced beverage over your head.

If you order the Trenta intending to sit and drink it inside a Starbucks, you have to pay a surcharge to use their bathroom.

Instead of cutting prices to compete in this economy, Starbucks has closed convenient locations and now has a drink so large it is unwieldy. On a role, their next plan is to invent a louder cappuccino machine.

The price of the Trenta is your first born child, plus tax.

“Anti-Social Networking”

The Israel Defense Force had to call off a West Bank raid after a soldier posted details of the operation on his Facebook status. Conversely, soldiers post such details all the time on MySpace and no one ever pays any attention.

A similar situation arose recently, inadvertently alerting a terrorist cell to remove all their secret munitions from Farmville.

“Ahead of Their Time”

NASA Scientists have calculated that Chile’s earthquake last week may have shifted the world’s weight towards its axis, permanently shortening the length of a day by just over 1 millionth of a second. So enjoy it; from now on, leave work one millionth of a second early.

This means that in a million days, or 2,738 years, prepare in advance: Set your watch 1 second ahead so you won’t be late.

“Dressed to Kill”

The Smithsonian Institution has rejected the donation of OJ Simpson’s suit from the day he was acquitted on charges of murdering his ex-wife Nicole Brown Simpson and her friend Ron Goldman. Of course, OJ will now submit a counter-suit.

Asked to describe the features of the suit, OJ said it fit like a glove.

OJ’s plan was to donate the suit, then steal it back at gunpoint as his personal memorabilia.

OJ no longer has the clothes he wore when looking for the ‘real killers.’ To raise money for legal bills, he had to sell that golf attire to Second Hand Sports.

OJ said he wanted to donate the suit he wore when he was acquitted, but he wants to keep the suit he wore when he committed the murders for sentimental reasons.

“Inventive Incentives”

Toyota is trying to recover from sales losses with unprecedented offers such as low lease rates and 0% financing on models that had been subject to the recall over a potentially deadly brake defect. The least popular deal so far: $10,000 cash back if you come to any Toyota dealership and just let a salesman kill you.

“Campbell’s Slap”

Naomi Campbell’s driver in New York City says that she became angry and hit and punched him from the back seat as he drove. Campbell may be slapped with a law suit. The driver will just be slapped again.

The driver was intimidated because Naomi looked so fierce.