“Hair Force One”

http://www.usatoday.com/story/life/people/2013/01/17/michelle-obama-has-another-new-hair-do---with-bangs/1842981/

Ahead of her husband’s second inauguration, Michelle Obama has gotten a new hairstyle, sporting bangs.  Or as Republican conspiracy theorists are calling it, a forehead cover-up.

The rumor is, if President Obama isn’t crazy about his wife’s new hairdo, he’s going to push for a ban on hand-held scissors.

"Matri-moany"

http://www.inquisitr.com/238748/obama-divorce-story-alleges-michelle-considered-leaving-president-in-2000/

A new book about President Obama claims that after his failed 2000 bid for Congress, the strain almost caused Barack and Michelle to get a divorce, which the First Couple say is not true.  Discussion of divorce is irrelevant though, say a group of Birthers, who claim the Obamas can’t prove that they were even married in America.

In a related story, Newt Gingrich always considered any political career struggle as an unofficial annulment of whatever marriage he happened to be in at the time.

Buckingham Phallus"

While at Buckingham Palace, President and Mrs. Obama are staying in the same suite where Prince William and Kate Middleton stayed on their wedding night.  Since being told that, all the Obamas can picture is two British people having quick, silent, awkward sex on their bed.

Still, that’s much better than being forced to stay in place that was the honeymoon suite for Price Charles and Camilla Parker-Bowles.  Ew.

“APRIL NEWS”

In a landmark vote, the House of Representatives approved the legalization of marijuana and hemp in the United States. Provisions for licensing and taxing, as well as labeling for age restrictions, will be handled by the U.S. Tobacco lobby to make up for their lost profits in recent years. Cigarette companiy CEO’s have already begun preparing for the transition by removing all of their office furniture in favor of a second-hand futon, a table lamp that has to sit on the floor, and a cardboard box sturdy enough to be used as a makeshift table.

President Obama made a brief statement today, where he resigned from office so quickly and subtly that nobody even noticed except Vice President Joe Biden, who audibly said, “Oh, hell yeah,” before Obama abruptly left the podium in tears. First Lady Michelle Obama did not speak, but stood by her husband’s side, nodding her head with her arms folded as he spoke.

Charlie Sheen apologized to Chuck Lorre today, and as a preliminary step towards negotiating Sheen’s return to Two and a Half Men, CBS arranged that the two meet over drinks, cocaine, mechanical bull-riding and pole-dancing tryouts, all to be done simultaneously while juggling lit torches. If they can’t come to an agreement, they must duel with chainsaws until one of them is dead. CBS expressed no preference in the matter, but is already meeting with Jon Cryer’s people to discuss future options.

Tom Cruise admitted that he is gay through his publicist and lover, hoping that the confession will lure movie-goers to his new summer blockbuster, Missionary Impossible: Closet Ops Unit. His wife Katie Holmes will co-produce, but not re-produce. Suri will be adopted by Will and Jada Pinckett Smith, who will help her deal with the family changes by assuring her stardom in movies and music videos.

YouTube sensation Rebecca Black has been offered an exclusive multi-million-dollar recording contract, the terms of which specify that she is never allowed to record her image or voice ever again. Black described herself as “so, so, so excited,” and says she will sign the contract after the weekend, which, apparently, she has been really looking forward to.

Betty White is joining the cast of a hit movie franchise for its next sequel. Betty will play herself in the next Jackass! movie, where she will staple her own neck skin to the back of her head in a stunt called “face-lift” and she will pee in her own pants in a prank called, “being old.” Johnny Knoxville is already committed to getting drunk and making out with Betty as part of her compensation, and Steve-O says he can hardly wait to imitate every stunt she tries, even though he isn’t being paid to.

Catching More of this Week's Stories...

Last Sunday, a woman in a movie theater was stabbed in the neck with a meat thermometer after telling a fellow moviegoer to stop talking on their cell phone. According to the meat thermometer, the woman was already done.


A Santa Monica restaurant called "The Hump" has been accused of illegally selling sushi with whale meat. Fans of the restaurant did their legal defence no favour, standing outside the closed restaurant chanting "We want The Hump back!"


Earlier this week, a Mississippi school system after it cancelled a senior prom to prevent a lesbian student from wearing a tuxedo and bringing a same-sex date. Said a homophobic Mississippian: "If we let girls date girls and wear tuxedo-pants an' such, we might as well change our name from Mississippi to Dude-issippi."


On Thursday. a 55-year-old man broke into a church where he allegedly used the institution’s electronic equipment to watch pornography. The Church's priests were never suspected of having been the ones to view the pornography, because it wasn't gay porn.


A new study shows that kidney donors live as long, on average, as those who have not donated a kidney. The study was meant to reassure all those people who are waking up hung-over and naked, in a bathtub full of ice.


A New York woman who said her botched breast enhancement surgery left her looking like she had four breasts was awarded $3.5 million dollars for pain and suffering. Then she was sold to a dairy farm.


Four U.S. Senators are questioning the near-$1 million compensation for the CEO of the Boys and Girls Clubs of America, a non-profit that receives million in federal funding. Some aren’t surprised about the large sum, as the organization’s logo is a hand-over-fist.


Friday was International Women’s Day. The White House marked the occasion with a speech by Michelle Obama on progress in women’s issues. The rest of the country celebrated with “Two-for-one lap dances.”


A British research study found that women who take the birth control pill live longer than women who don’t. Said a British mother: “Of course women on the pill live longer. They don’t have kids to suck the life out of them day and night.”