"Swiss Bankroll"

http://worldnews.msnbc.msn.com/_news/2011/12/13/9424054-casino-nixes-57-million-slot-payout-jilted-swiss-to-sue

A player at a Swiss casino who thought he won a $57 million jackpot is suing the casino that claimed the flashing screen was an error and denied his pay-out.  The casino is scared because in court, their odds of winning are only 50/50, the worst they’ve ever seen.

A true gambler, the man is suing for double or nothing.

"Bieber Baby Claim Bounced"

http://wonderwall.msn.com/music/gossip-justin-biebers-baby-accuser-drops-paternity-suit-1653571.story

Mariah Yeater, the woman who claimed that Justin Bieber was the father of her baby, dropped her paternity suit last week, after Bieber denied the claims, volunteered to take a DNA test, and had his lawyers preparing a lawsuit against her.  But what really got her to drop the suit was when it came out  that Justin Bieber is a girl.

Her only evidence was that she’d named the alleged love-child after Bieber.  She calls the baby Big Money.

You know, to make her claim more believable, she should at least have waited for Justin to hit puberty.

When the story broke, Bieber immediately denied knowing the woman, and his comment was, “I’ll always be a target, but I’ll never be a victim.”  Justin, that’s not entirely true.  You won’t have to worry about being a target five years from now, when you’ll be a forgotten has-been.

At that point, you’re comeback options will be to either star in a reality show, or to actually impregnate a current pop star.

If you go on a television interview claiming that you’re baby is Justin Bieber’s, but then quickly drop that claim, you have to go back on television, just to be ridiculed.  It will be good practice for when you go back on TV soon after, to find out the real baby daddy on Maury Povich.

Or, if you’re going to falsely claim that a celebrity fathered your baby, you at least have to do the proper preparation.  Research the celebrity.  Like, in the case of Justin Bieber, interview his pediatrician to make sure the kid’s got a penis.  Get a Bieber wig and sneakers for the baby to wear in front of the paparazzi.  It won’t fool anyone, but you’ll actually get better press if the media thinks you’re crazy instead of an lying gold-digger.

“Cancer Sham”

http://yourlife.usatoday.com/health/medical/cancer/story/2011/06/New-York-sues-breast-cancer-charity-over-donations-/48927020/1

New York State is trying to shut down the Coalition Against Breast Cancer as a sham, after an investigation found almost all the money they’ve raised in 5 years going towards high salaries and personal perks.  The only thing investigators could not find out is how the heads of the organization sleep at night. 

In 2008, it was revealed that only $374 out of $1.4 million raised went towards mammograms.  Even for a mammogram, that is quite a stretch.

“Small Misunderstanding”

Starbucks is being sued after an El Paso location fired a barista because she is a dwarf.  Sad to see that another job hasn't worked out for Katie Couric.

The woman filed her lawsuit in Small Dames' Court.

The woman was really fired because she was making all of the drinks with half shots, half powder, half & half...

Starbucks said they had to let her go, since she's go off every time someone ordered a 'Tall.'

The Starbucks manager explained, “There was no discrimination here.  We had to fire her, because every day she worked, the register was short.  So that's what I told her, every day.  'You're short.  Really short… Plus, you're a midget.'”

In light of the lawsuit, Starbucks says that the woman is just blowing everything slightly out of proportion.

“Sightless Suit”

http://travel.usatoday.com/flights/post/2011/04/blind-federation-sues-las-vegas-airport/150330/1

The National Federation for the Blind is suing Las Vegas’s McCarran Airport for failing to make its self-serve kiosks operable by the visually impaired. Blind people trying to use them had been putting in quarters and wondering why they never won.

The airport intends to claim that they, too, are visually impaired, because they never saw this coming.

It may be hard to get thee courts to be impartial in the case, since Justice is also blind.

“Don’t Take the Subway”

http://www.usatoday.com/money/industries/food/2011-02-14-subway-caseys-footlong-suit_N.htm

Subway restaurants are being sued by Casey’s General Stores, who are fighting Subway’s claim of ownership to the term “footlong.” This could become a class action suit involving other sandwish makers, hotdog companies, and the estate of Milton Berle.

Not to be outdone, until Quizno’s stops offering a hot 14 inch, they will be haunted by the ghost of Wilt Chamberlain.

In a related story, Jared Fogel still trying to interest anyone he can in his six-inch special.

If Subway loses the case, they plan to pay for their losses by suing every city with an underground rapid public transit system.

“Snail 1, Humans, 0”

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/ondeadline/post/2010/11/california-diners-sue-over-snail-that-exploded-/1

Two customers are suing a California restaurant where a cooked snail in their escargot dish allegedly “exploded,” squirting one in the eye and ruining their shirts. Of course, the only thing more disgusting than having a piece of a snail land on your shirt is eating one.

Their lawsuit is expected to move forward… very, very slowly.

The government is looking into the case to determine the military applications of an exploding snail.

The two finished their meal, and the man who claims an injury to his eye did not seek immediate medical attention when he left the restaurant, but when they followed the snail’s slime trail, they found that it led straight to a lawyer.

Even an out-of-court settlement may cost the seafood restaurant a lot of clams.

The men said the incident “humiliated them.” But appearing in the news as the Exploding Snail Victims is a badge of honor.

“McDollars”

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/ondeadline/post/2010/10/brazilian-court-orders-mcdonalds-to-pay-ex-manager-for-added-pounds/1

A Brazilian court ordered McDonald’s to pay $17,500 to a former manager who gained 65 lbs. over 12 years of sample food for quality plus the benefit of free lunches. The man hasn’t said how he’ll spend the money, but now he hopes to get hired as the manager of a gym.