Transportation officials may begin new airport security screening including swabbing air passengers' hands to detect explosives or chemical residues. The hand-swabbing is faster than proposed body scanners, and less invasive than random wet-willies.
Terrorists may be forced to hide their activities by extreme measures they have never attempted before, such as washing their hands.
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The funeral director wants to try to make it up to the cremated person’s next of kin, but he’s already been burned once.
Setting the fire to the wrong body may yet lead to even more firings.
The funeral home didn’t admit the mistake at first, due to a “Don’t Ash, Don’t Tell” policy.
Singer Chynna Phillips has entered rehab treatment for anxiety. The anxiety was over her father John Phillips somehow being more sexually attracted to her sister Mackenzie.
Film director Kevin Smith says he was told he was too fat to fly on Southwest Airlines this week, Twittering about the incident until Southwest apologized and put him on a later flight. They then removed every other passenger from the plane so it could take off with Smith aboard.
Southwest’s apology also came with a $100 voucher to Smith for a future flight, which could be considered a fat reward.
Sarah Palin lashed out at the Fox network’s show Family Guy, in which a character with Down syndrome said her mom was the former governor of
The
General Motors says that Tiger Woods, who appeared in ads for Buick until last year, didn’t sell many cars for them. In his defense, it’s hard to sell a car when you’re in the back seat having sex.
Rhode Island Congressman Patrick Kennedy says he will not seek another term in the House of Representatives at the next election. Unless he can get Sen. Scott Brown to legally adopt him.
Kennedy wants to move on to the other important work of his family legacy. He feels he has a lot of drinking and carousing to do.
Ben Quayle, son of former Vice President Dan Quayle, is getting into the political ring and running for Congress in
A new study says that obese children are more likely to face the threat of an early death. The study was conducted by the bullies threatening them.
An obese teen boy, for example, faces a shorter life from factors varying from heart disease and diabetes to dying of embarrassment when forced to take off his shirt to go swimming.
Obesity can also cause tension headaches and depression. Fortunately, television and fashion magazines feature skinny people, making teens feel bad enough about themselves to change.
Former President Bill Clinton had 2 heart stents put in Thursday after being taken to the hospital for chest pains.
Secretary of State Hillary Clinton was surprised by the rush to the hospital and surgical ordeal. She had no idea her husband even had a heart.
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The patient was very upset, saying, “How would he feel if the shoe was on the other foot?”
It just goes to prove that old adage, ‘[Two lefts don’t make a right.’
After getting no help in 2 later visits to the hospital, the patient finally had to put his foot down.
If a civil suit is filed, the case could limp along for years.
If the patient has to testify, he is ready to hop to it.
The patient had planned to sue, but doesn’t have a leg to stand on.
Owners of American companies’ cars seem more proud than ever. Not only do their cars stop, most of the time they won’t even start.
Gold-diggers who already cut the brake lines on their spouse’s new
In a PR spin, the company says
Scientists in
The new rice never needs to be cooked, according to raw data.
Research shows that if you put this rice in a watched pot, it will never boil.
Controversy erupted this week over McDonald’s new ‘McItaly’ burger, which Italian authorities say could have a negative impact on
McDonald’s new variation on its heat-lamp re-warmed burgers will now taste like fine, Italian leather.
Sarah Palin met with criticism for apparently writing notes on her hand for a speech at the Tea Party convention this past weekend. In her defense, Palin pointed out that the writing on her hand was just to help her remember “left” versus “right.”
A closer look at Palin’s hand revealed the hand-note was a message to the survivors of Oceanic flight 815. It said, “Not Penny’s boat.”
Gary Coleman pleaded guilty Monday to a misdemeanor charge of criminal mischief relating to a domestic violence case from last April. Coleman already served a short jail term.
Coleman was ordered to pay a $595 fine, but may be short… on cash.
In court, Coleman approached the bench, not to speak to the judge, but to climb on it so he could see.
Michael Jackson’s former physician, Dr. Conrad Murray pleaded not guilty to involuntary manslaughter Monday. Fans are still heartbroken, partly over Michael’s death, but mainly over The Jacksons Family Legacy reality show.
A 12-year-old
Had the girl used a permanent marker, she would have been executed.
The marker incident will go down on the student’s erasable record.
The school says that the arrest is less about an isolated incidence of graffiti, and more about persistent sloppy spelling.
The girl’s lawyer is trying to reduce charges to possession on a crayon.
The police think the smiley face the girl drew is a gang symbol.
The school claims the marker was a weapon. They quoted, “The pen is mightier than the sword.”
After her arrest and detention at the police station, the girl will no longer be marking desks at school. She’s moving up to courtyard tattoos.
Charlie Sheen had a Mercedes stolen from his home Friday, and the car was found overturned at the bottom of a nearby cliff shortly after. The Mercedes now claims that the whole thing was its own fault and it wants to reconcile with Charlie.
Charlie was upset about the vehicle’s theft and damage, nostalgic about all the chicks he used to bang in that thing.
Coutry music icon Kenny Rogers will be celebrating his career with a TV special scheduled to tape in April. Unfortunately, the special will focus on his music; not his chicken.
In an ironic twist, his classic song The Gambler will be re-written to tell the story of a man who kept going back for more plastic surgery.
A woman from the Andaman Islands in the
The movie Avatar surpassed Titanic this week to become the highest grossing movie of all time, with over $600 million in domestic ticket sales. James Cameron admits his secret, “Whether its Sam Worthington on the moon Pandora or Leonardo DiCaprio in the freezing Atlantic ocean: just turn your leading man blue.”
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On a flight out of
The flight was bound for
White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel apologized for using the word “retarded” to describe a liberal activist as campaign. Not wanting to offend anyone, Emanuel said, “I’m really f---ing sorry.”
Emanuel said he meant no offense, and that anyone who didn’t understand that “has to be a f---ing Mongoloid.”
MSNBC personality Chris Mathews said this week that while watching the State of the Union Address, he “forgot” President Obama “was black.” This counteracts sister network NBC’s whole slogan, “More colorful.”
Mathews might have made even more obnoxious comments, except that, for a time, he forgot that he was Chris Mathews.
Mathews’ audience seemed neutral about his statement, unsure of his intentions. It seems to be kind of a grey area.
In his State of the Union address Wednesday night, President Obama told Congress that it was time for the
President Obama announced $8 billion in grant funding for high speed rail here in the
For the first time in over 10 years, teen pregnancy is on the rise. Nice work, Axe body spray.
It seems teen girls are falling for the line, “Can you keep a secret? I don’t need to wear a condom because… I’m a vampire.”
The U.S. Department of Transportation is banning truck and bus drivers from typing and sending text messages while driving, effective immediately. Fortunately, the new restriction says nothing about Twittering at stop lights.
Not only has texting-while-driving proven dangerous for people in vehicles, other people are tired of receiving texts that say “OMG I’m crashing!”
So far their best solution to the accelerator that sticks is to counter with a brake that also sticks.
Neither the Prius nor the Sienna are among the affected models, so you can still buy the
The city of
An oil tanker at
The spill prompted George W. Bush to confirm his support for continued dependence on foreign oil.
Portillo was in office from 2000 until 2004, and the alleged embezzlement took place from 2000 to 2003. John Edwards says if he’d known about Portillo’s illegal money sooner, he’d have sold him his illegitimate daughter.
Former child star Gary Coleman was jailed in
While in jail, Coleman’s biggest fear is that WKRP’s Mr. Carlson might try to touch him and his friend Dudley.
Coleman’s former co-star Todd Bridges has also had his share of run-ins with the law over the years. Finally,
The cast of MTV’s
The 2010 census is beginning, with
The Grammy Awards plan to feature a posthumous tribute to Michael Jackson including a 5 minute 3-D clip of
This will be the first awards show to feature 3-D. Traditionally, awards shows are only broadcast in 2-D because, by their nature, they completely lack depth.
Jackson himself had planned to use 3-D as the answer to a never-been-done-before part of his “This Is It” concerts. So this year’s Grammy’s is borrowing from that, since Michael has never been dead before.
Republican Scott Brown won the
Brown’s daughter Ayla is a former American Idol contestant who had made it to the top 16 in season 5. In retrospect, Martha Coakley wishes she had adopted Chris Daughtry.
Scott Brown has been open about being a nude model many years ago, when he was trying to pay for school. His admission was refreshing, since most Republicans wait to get caught with their pants down.
In a celebratory speech, Brown got carried away and told supporters that his 2 college-age daughters were “available.” Brown quickly said he was kidding and corrected himself. He meant to say that they were “for sale.”
Singer John Mayer told Rolling Stone magazine that he is still not over losing Jennifer Aniston. Welcome to the club, John. Neither is NBC “Must-See-TV Thursday.”
John revealed that he is still sad over the break-up, and he became even sadder recently when, for the first time, he heard himself sing.
Mayer seems to have a talent for picking up famous girlfriends. As those who have heard his music know, that is his only talent.
Charlie Sheen’s wife Brooke is in the hospital for an infection resulting from oral surgery. Charlie says it’s not the first time her mouth has put her in real danger.
Charlie’s biggest regret is that he didn’t put Brooke in the hospital, himself.
Though doctors are taking his wife’s condition seriously, Charlie hasn’t seemed fazed. He’s been around hundreds of women with mouth infections.
In a reversal of historical trends, men now gain more economically from getting married than women do. One theory attempting to explain the change is that once men get married, they’re no longer paying for sex.
Archaeologists uncovered a 2000-year-old temple believed to have been a place of worship of ancient
Since the site is described as temple ruins, the temple will also be charging all members a building fund.
Researchers say that the cat statues do not necessarily prove that the temple’s attendees prayed to or even believed in the cat goddess. In other words, it was a Reform temple.
Critics have slammed Royal Caribbean Cruise Lines for returning to port in
The FDA is planning a hearing in March about warning labels for tanning beds, which have been linked to increase skin cancer risks. In the public interest, the federal government would like to protect everyone from tanning except the cast of
Starting next year, new rules for California HMO’s will require limits of no more than 10 business days to get an appointment with a family doctor, and 30 minutes to get a return phone call from a doctor’s office. Of course the commute to the doctor’s office will be less convenient, since they are all going to move to
Meanwhile, HMO lawyers are working to change the definition of “see a doctor” to include “see a TV doctor," “see a lab coat,” and “see a photograph of a doctor.”
Regarding NBC’s ongoing late night programming melee, Jay Leno told viewers Monday night that the network wouldn’t let him leave. It seems hard to believe: that, at this point, anyone stills considers the low-rated NBC a “network.”
The State Department has published digitally updated photos of what Osama bin Laden might look like now to reflect aging and possible facial hair changes. It’s also useful so bin Laden can see what he’d look like as a blond.
The Associated press reported Thursday that Rosie O’Donell thinks it is time for Jay Leno to step aside for Conan O’brien. Surprisingly, the Associated Press actually thought people might care what Rosie thinks.
It’s the first time Rosie has ever expressed a preference for a man.
Onlookers who saw Rosie interviewed were heard to ask, “Who the hell is that guy?”
Science researchers have determined that mean and women respond differently to stress. For instance, when a woman feels stress, it doesn’t make her lose her erection.
The study showed evidence of men and women responding differently to stress triggers. They made a major breakthrough getting women cast off stress by telling them that it made their butt look big.
Two out of the four giraffe’s formerly owned by Michael Jackson and recently housed on wildlife property in
The giraffes formerly lived at
Investigators are checking to see if the giraffes had the same doctor as Michael.
TV reverend Pat Robertson said that the tragic earthquake in
Denying involvement, even the devil says he hasn’t been near
In an interview,
The man is a trailblazer. He is like Rosa Parks. He refuses to give up his seat.
He will not take it to the rear.
Being a gigolo is like riding a bus. You have to make sure you don’t get off too soon.
Conan O’brien issued a public statement yesterday that he would not host a Tonight Show pushed to 12:05am. Then, Jay Leno also threatened to quit. NBC is running out of show hosts faster than it’s running out of viewers.
Other late-night hosts are now chiming in on the shake up at NBC. For example, David Letterman said that if Conan O’brien moves back to
Goerke worked for
The U.S. Supreme Court has banned video coverage of the Prop 8 trial in
Many gay marriage supporters in
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The cabbie drove 50 miles to return the purse and refused a reward. Other cabbies suspect this must only be to lure in future big fish.
The cabbie admitted that the only reason he returned the $21,000 was that he only carries $5 in change.
