Dozens of passengers received minor injuries Wednesday when a Carnival Cruise ship was forced to make a hard turn to avoid an object in front of the ship. Carnival made sure that anyone injured received 2-star medical care.
On the brighter side, passengers who fell were saved from a far worse fate: joining a Conga line.
Comedy Central censored Wednesday’s episode of
The group did not make a specific threat, but expressed that
http://www.usatoday.com/life/people/2010-04-20-copperfield-rape-accusation_N.htm
A woman who had accused David Copperfield of luring her to the
The woman said that Copperfield forced her to perform sexual acts. He maintains that it was all just an illusion.
The woman gave testimony about Copperfield’s sexual style. She says he did it with smoke and mirrors.
Copperfield says they had consensual sex and then she tried to extort money from him, leading to her being charged with prostitution. In other words, when they got together, it was magical.
http://www.usatoday.com/news/health/2010-04-20-fda-salt-cutback_N.htm
Public health advocates are pushing the FDA to further limit the amount of sodium in foods and beverages, as salt plays a key role in blood pressure and cardiovascular disease. Liberals are set to attack processed foods; conservatives want to blow up the oceans.
Conspiracy theorists say that getting salt off the table is just a ploy to make pepper lonely.
Some anti-activists are going too far, replacing table salt with cocaine.
The commercial overuse of salt has been hard to prove. Hidden-camera video of salt being added to foods in restaurants all turned out grainy.
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20100419/ap_on_re_mi_ea/ml_iran_earthquakes_promiscuity
A senior cleric in
By that token, he considers the Earth itself slutty.
For the first time, the trash left behind by climbers around the
Newspapers must be bundled and tied with twine; otherwise they’ll fall down, 29,000 feet.
http://www.usatoday.com/news/religion/2010-04-16-holocaust-denier_N.htm
A British bishop convicted in a German court for denying the Holocaust on Swedish TV will have to pay a heavy fine. He will not lose his title, but from now on, the bishop can only be moved diagonally.
If the bishop is also gay, at least he’ll be happy to know Mel Gibson is single again.
Meinhardt Rabbe, who as a young man played the coroner of Munchkinland in the classic movie, The Wizard of Oz, died at the age of 94. Though remembered for playing the quotable character, in show business, he never rose to greater heights.
The Orange Park, FL medical examiner confirmed that not only is he merely dead, he’s really most sincerely dead.
http://www.usatoday.com/life/people/2010-04-10-munchkin-actor-dies_N.htm
A federal appeals court has upheld a
When in public, instead of using a plain paper bag, college students can now wrap their liquor bottles in a college newspaper without fear that ads for booze might give them away.
Fortunately, students will still be allowed to read their college newspaper while drunk.
http://www.usatoday.com/news/education/2010-04-12-IHE-alcohol-ads_N.htm
Kidnappers have been forever foiled, unless they figure out that they could just use their victim’s phone to make the ransom call.
In light of all the kidnappings in
http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20100409/tc_nm/us_mexico_cellphones
A letter written by Pope Benedict XVI in 1985, before his papacy, emerged this week where he delayed removal of a priest accused of abuse 4 years earlier. The
The critic went on to criticize the letter’s spelling and penmanship.
Researchers are working on a pill that could prevent people from contracting AIDS. The pill makes you look like Hillary Clinton so no one wants to have sex with you.
This week, Carlsberg brewery workers went on strike due to a decision to limit drinking at work to lunch breaks. Employees complained, “This means that from now on, every day, coming to work here is going to be like… a job!”
After Monday's space shuttle launch, four women were in space at the same time for the first time ever. Until, of course, their menstrual cycles synch up and they kill each other.
Tiger Woods returned to golf this week, playing at the Masters, complete with the media’s hole-by-hole attention. The media also covered his golfing.
Spectators of the Masters have come mainly from two groups: fans of golf as a sport and people who just wanted to see if Tiger would crash his cart into a tree.
http://content.usatoday.com/communities/gameon/post/2010/04/tiger-eagles-the-9th-goes-2-under/1
Kate Gosselin will be starring in her own new TV series, Twist of Kate, which will feature profiles of women with their own special challenges in life. Jon Gosselin had his own idea for a show for his ex-wife, Twist of Kate’s Neck ‘til her Head Pops Off.
Asked how she plans to use the earnings from this new show to support her 8 children, Kate said, “What children?”
http://www.usatoday.com/life/television/news/2010-04-08-TLC1D08_ST_N.htm?csp=hf
Prince Charles’ wife, Camilla, the Duchess of Wales, broke her leg while hiking in
Fortunately, Camilla still has the other 3 good legs to walk on.
Camilla was taken to the hospital where X-Rays confirmed a fracture, necessitating a cast for the next 6 weeks. This, of course, is all code for royal, elective, plastic surgery.
http://www.usatoday.com/life/people/2010-04-08-camilla_N.htm
Actor John Forsythe, known as the voice of "Charlie" on the hit 1970's TV show Charlie's Angels, died this week at the age of 92. In honor of that show, women are being asked to pay their respects at his memorial by not wearing a bra.
http://www.usatoday.com/life/people/obit/2010-04-02-forsythe_N.htm
The federal government says that about 3,000
These homes will have to replace wiring, piping, circuit breakers, and more, as well as the drywall itself. The Big Bad Wolf says to skip drywall altogether, and recommends building houses out of straw or sticks.
In
Of the 2 doctors, 1 no longer delivers babies. The other thinks she does, but she’s just playing with a jack-in-the-box.
A third and fourth woman came forward this week with claims of an affair with Sandra Bullock’s husband, Jesse James. James was known as a reality TV star, most recently in Jesse James Is a Dead Man, an apparent prediction of his fate now that Sandra knows what he’s been up to.
Strip clubs in
The legislature doesn’t want to repeal the strip-club tax, knowing that is can be a sticky issue.
If the court doesn’t rule on the tax, the whole thing may land in the voters’ laps.
Critics say the tax won’t affect strippers’ income, and the job is easy anyway. But the dancers say, making a living this way really is a grind.
A new study by the CDC says that the number of women breast-feeding varies by several factors including place. This seems counterintuitive, since one would assume that the only place to do it is at the breast.
Scientists have revealed a type of horned dung beetle to be the world’s strongest insect, able to pull over 1100 times its own weight. Apparently, the beetle was bitten by a radioactive spider and gained its proportional strength.
To prove that the beetle could move a large-sized piece of dung, they had it lift Spencer Pratt.
Three suspects were arrested in
There were no witnesses to the robbery. Actually, there were plenty of other people around, but they were all either staring at a wall or their hand.
Dispensary customers say this is the worst marijuana-related crime they know of since, quote, “that one dude bogarted that roach we had.”
Scientists have decoded DNA from a 30-50,000 year-old human species that seems not to be related to modern humans or Neanderthals. These ancient peoples’ closest living relative is their uncle, Larry King.
According to genetic evidence, the biggest difference between these humans and modern man it that their thumbs weren’t evolved for text-messaging, dooming them to extinction.
In
Military police could trade in their nightstick for a pepper mill.
The ghost chili is known to be more than 100 times more potent than a jalapeño. This means a pepper grenade could take out a roomful of enemy combatants, or season a huge bucket of hot wings.
Weapons experts agree that this will definitely spice up traditional warfare.
There may some legal confusion, though, over the fact that if you attack someone with a pepper, the charge would be a-salt.
President Obama signed his landmark health care bill today, which will add sweeping changes to
When Vice President Joe Biden introduced the president to the podium at the signing, he whispered to Obama, “This is a big f***ing deal.” Political rivals called Biden’s language sickening. But now, those sickened can get health insurance.
A federal judge ruled Tuesday that a
Rosie O’Donnell is planning a new daytime talk show for next year. With Oprah Winfrey ending her long-running show, the only other thing Rosie needs to be seen on television again is for more people to buy those wide-screen TVs.
On Sunday, The Vatican strongly rejected the idea that celibacy required for priests has any connection to the Church’s sex abuse scandal. Hurting their credibility, however, was the fact that the
Park Avenue Bank’s former president, Charles Antonucci, has been charged with fraud and embezzlement for shuffling funds to appear viable enough to receive a government bailout. In jail, Antonucci will learn what it means to really need to be bailed out.
The bank took $11.2 million in government bailout funds from the Troubled Asset Relief Program. Their defense is that $11.2 million is small, compared to the amount of money they pretended to have.
This outraged those who realize that the millions in hard-earned tax-payer dollars Antonucci took really belong in the pocket of other, poorly managed multi-million-dollar businesses.
Steven Marshall, an executive producer for the 1980’s sitcom Growing Pains, was convicted of distributing child pornography and sentenced to 7 ½ years in prison. While there, his anus will have its own growing pains.
This news changes the long held opinion that Kirk Cameron was the most disturbed person on that show.
Dan Glickman is stepping down as the chairman of the Motion Picture Association of America. He cites
A NASA science team looking for animal life beneath 600 feet of Antarctic sheet ice found a shrimp-like amphipod . Though some think it may have coincidentally traveled to that exact spot, others are sure someone close must have ordered sea monkeys.
The NASA team’s discovery prompted one important question: What the hell does this have to do with Space?
The government said Thursday that highway traffic fatalities have dropped to the lowest level since 1954, thanks to drunk driving laws, seatbelt and airbag use, and mostly, people jumping out of the way of Toyotas.
The ACLU is suing a
School officials were shocked to learn that the girl was a lesbian, because in Mississippi, everyone still has a mullett.
A federal appeals court ruled that the phrases “Under God” and “In God We Trust” in the pledge of allegiance and on
Regarding the stamping of phrases on money, however, another lawsuit has been filed, by a Mr. Pluribus Unum, first initial, E.
President Obama donated the $1.4 million he received for winning the Nobel Peace Prize to charity. He decided that the money should go to those less fortunate, like the banks, Wall Street, and auto industry.
Obama wants his winnings to benefit the needs of those who desperately need help and funding just to survive. Like the Democratic Party.
Forbes magazine named its 2010 “world’s richest people” this week, and beating out Bill Gates to top the list this year is
Meanwhile, Oprah Winfrey just keeps quietly pulling the strings...
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Conan O’Brien randomly chose rural
Conan warned Sarah in his Twitter post, “Your life is about to change.” David Letterman has used the same line, but only on his female staff members he was trying to sleep with.
Well, the sex change isn't really free, exactly. for starters, they make you live in
It is hoped that though
In a related story,
Actor Corey Haim, who starred in Lucas and other teen movies of the ‘80’s, died at the age of 38. Not the cause of death: Leukoplakia.
Corey was probably best known for having been in the movie The Lost Boys. Then he became one.
Haim will be missed most by his adoring fan club, better known as Corey Feldman.
Lindsay Lohan is suing E-Trade for defamation over their talking-baby Super-bowl commercial featuring a baby named “Lindsay,” said in the ad to be a “milkoholic.” Lohan wants E-Trade to change the ad so the baby is an alcoholic.
Lindsay is suing for $100 million, and wants full payment in the form of drugs and liquor.
Lohan further claims the commercial paints her in a negative light since the baby isn’t a lesbian.
In E-Trade’s defense, the baby they hired to play Lindsay was late to set and trashed her hotel room.
Though stories of Lindsay Lohan’s substance abuse, stints in rehab, and troubles with the law have become tabloid staples over the past few years, some may remember that she used to be an actress.
A man accused of stalking Ryan Seacrest pleaded no contest to felony charges in a
Relieved to hear the outcome of the case, Seacrest said, ‘THIS… is AmERican Justice.”
Ryan is just happy that the ordeal is over. Happy and gay.
David letterman’s alleged blackmailer Robert “Joe” Halderman admitted in a plea deal that he sought money and tried to damage David Letterman’s career behind closed doors. It’s what is now known among late-night TV talk show hosts as The Leno Maneuver.
As the blackmailer copped a plea, somewhere Letterman copped a feel.
A passenger on a Carnival cruise was thrown in the brig and charged once back in
The federal government says that the volume of sexual harassment claims from men are on the rise. Perpetrators of the harassment insist that’s not the only thing on the rise.
-Yeah, you know you love it.
The number of men claiming harassment has doubled over the last 20 years, according to government figures. And the way they are showing off their figures, you just know they want the attention.
Bosses accused of harassment admit that their behavior was inappropriate and sleazy, and what they really deserve is a good spanking.
Some of male complaints, however, were that there was not enough sexual harassment in the workplace.
Ooh, yeah, you like that joke, don't you? You are a baad boy... You pretend, "Don't make that joke." "Stop." "Don't - Stop!" "...Don't stop!" ...so I won't.
A Swedish pilot was removed from an
Oddly, the passengers felt less safe once there was no pilot to fly the plane.
Luckliy, the airline had a replacement pilot, passenger Ted Striker.
The “pilot” had logged 10,000 hours of flying over 13 years, but officials became suspicious of his credentials because he was never stuck-up or drunk.
Before being removed from the plane, the pilot said over the P.A. system:
“Attention passengers. This is the captain speaking. Welcome aboard. Before we take off, take a look out your window on either side of the plane, so you won’t see me arrested, hand-cuffed, and carted off to jail. Enjoy your flight.”
The pilot may face a fine of thousands of dollars, or 90 trillion sky-miles.
President Obama signed a bill into law to create the non-profit Corporation for Travel promotion, to promote
A
The American Cancer Society is no longer encouraging annual rectal exams for prostate cancer screenings, which have proven beneficial. The way they are discouraging it is by telling doctors that if they perform the exam, it means they’re gay.
The theory was based on assumptions about annual rectal screenings, but they have since been able to poke a hole in it.
Without the ACS’s support, this means that the prostate exam, as it has been known the last several years, is going back to its original name, ‘the reach-around.’
This also means that patients who have been cooperative about getting a prostate exam will no longer by backing it up.
Starbucks is introducing a new size for iced coffee and tea drinks, larger than the Venti. When serving the new Trenta, baristas will just dump a barrel of your iced beverage over your head.
If you order the Trenta intending to sit and drink it inside a Starbucks, you have to pay a surcharge to use their bathroom.
Instead of cutting prices to compete in this economy, Starbucks has closed convenient locations and now has a drink so large it is unwieldy. On a role, their next plan is to invent a louder cappuccino machine.
The price of the Trenta is your first born child, plus tax.
The Israel Defense Force had to call off a
A similar situation arose recently, inadvertently alerting a terrorist cell to remove all their secret munitions from Farmville.
