Modonna is in Malawi, going through the process to adopt a 4 year old girl named Mercy. A Malawian judge held a hearing yesterday, and will rule on the matter Friday. Whether or not Madonna can adopt the girl may depend on her willingness to adopt the judge, too.
The hearing was presumably to determine whether another young person should be raised by Madonna, and live in her house, by her rules. At which point, Guy Richie burst through the door yelling, “It’s not worth it!”
Answering to accusations that Madonna is trying to use her fame and influence to speed up the adoption, she said she is following the standard procedure. In Malawi, it is standard procedure to adopt a child to distract the media from your recent affair with A-Rod.
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
“Water Color Conversation”
A water treatment malfunction near Cleveland, OH caused a chemical overload, turning people’s tap water pink. The problem was soon corrected and the colored water cleared. Amazingly, no one bottled the pink tap water to market it as a calorie-free sports beverage.
There were no ill effects from drinking the colored water, based on tests by chemical expert Dr. Henry Jekyll, and confirmed later in an interview with area resident Mr. Edward Hyde.
There were no ill effects from drinking the colored water, based on tests by chemical expert Dr. Henry Jekyll, and confirmed later in an interview with area resident Mr. Edward Hyde.
“Octomom’s Privacy Publicly Protected”
Fifteen Kaiser Permanente hospital workers have been fired for going into “Octomom” Nadya Suleman’s medical records, in violation of patient privacy laws. Hospital policy says employees have to spy out Octomom’s private life on TV and the Internet like everyone else.
Even though they lost their jobs over peeking at Suleman’s files, all 15 workers are still eligible to judge her.
It also may the first time such lengths have been taken to protect the privacy of a person who obviously doesn’t want any.
Even though they lost their jobs over peeking at Suleman’s files, all 15 workers are still eligible to judge her.
It also may the first time such lengths have been taken to protect the privacy of a person who obviously doesn’t want any.
“Bad Breath”
The EPA announced yesterday that will begin taking air samples outside 62 elementary schools in 22 states. The purpose is to determine levels of pollutants are in the air, and where they might be coming from. This will overrule the longstanding, universal school ground air policy, “Whoever smell’d it, dealt it.”
If air pollution levels outside the school buildings do prove to be toxic, it gives a whole other meaning to the campaign encouraging kids to “stay in school.”
If air pollution levels outside the school buildings do prove to be toxic, it gives a whole other meaning to the campaign encouraging kids to “stay in school.”
Monday, March 30, 2009
“Term-inator”
Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, prompted by reporters’ questions, confirmed that the Obama administration has abandoned the term “war on terror.” Instead, the stepped-up military campaign in Afghanistan is going to be called an “Ass-Kicking Stimulus.”
“Ahead of the Pack”
Coyote attacks are up by a wide margin in several states, including Colorado, Illinois, and New York. The only ones not seemingly alarmed by the threat of the coyotes: cartoon roadrunners.
Their spokesman released a statement, saying, “Beep beep!” and then took off at high speed.
Coyotes may be more likely to attack as suburban sprawl continues to infringe on their natural habitat. One warning sign that a coyote feels threatened is when he starts to order more and more elaborate equipment from the Acme company.
Their spokesman released a statement, saying, “Beep beep!” and then took off at high speed.
Coyotes may be more likely to attack as suburban sprawl continues to infringe on their natural habitat. One warning sign that a coyote feels threatened is when he starts to order more and more elaborate equipment from the Acme company.
“The __it Factor”
Bill O’Reilly said in a Hollywood Reporter interview that he’s boycotting Sean Penn’s films. Politics aside, it was just plain wrong when Spicolli mouthed off to Mr. Hand.
Friday, March 27, 2009
“D-Day”
President Obama has upped the offensive against al-Qaida in Pakistan and Afghanistan today, ordering in 4,000 more troops specifically, he said, “to disrupt, dismantle, and defeat al-Qaida. This is a strong move, especially since terrorists hate alliteration.
“Technical Error”
A recent USA Today reader poll showed high school students’ most popular career choice as Information Technology. With everyone already adjusting to the changes in the way the economy works, however, students now say they’d rather be a crooked, bonus-eligible CEO.
“Taking the Teen out of Nicotine”
A new federal cigarette tax that takes effect April 1st is expected to reduce smoking, at least according to tobacco companies, because they don’t know that nicotine is addictive.
The higher prices are intended as an incentive to cut down smoking especially among teens. Because addicts would never break the law to get their fix, especially teens who have limited money resources and are already breaking the law every time they buy cigarettes.
Actually, statistics prove that higher costs do reduce teen smoking. This new tax increase may even stop it altogether, at least according to the federal government’s Department of Naiveté’.
The new tax was a natural fit for the Obama administration, who needs funding for his economic stimulus efforts, and as everyone knows, nicotine is a stimulant.
The higher prices are intended as an incentive to cut down smoking especially among teens. Because addicts would never break the law to get their fix, especially teens who have limited money resources and are already breaking the law every time they buy cigarettes.
Actually, statistics prove that higher costs do reduce teen smoking. This new tax increase may even stop it altogether, at least according to the federal government’s Department of Naiveté’.
The new tax was a natural fit for the Obama administration, who needs funding for his economic stimulus efforts, and as everyone knows, nicotine is a stimulant.
Thursday, March 26, 2009
“Going After the Gold”
A bearded man allegedly stalking 17-year-old Olympic gymnast and Dancing with the Stars contestant Shawn Johnson was arrested after scaling the CBS Studios fence trying to get on set. When Johnson heard about it, naturally, she flipped.
Police found loaded guns, duct tape, and zip ties, along with news clippings and love letters to Johnson in the man’s car. While every suspect is innocent until proven guilty in court, this guy has already won a Gold Medal in “Creepy.”
And he’s still less frightening than Steve Wozniak’s dancing.
The man had packed all his belongings and drove across the country based on a belief that Shawn had been communicating with him through the television using ESP. Everyone hopes this bizarre behavior is really a harmless hoax and that the man just turns out to be Joaquin Phoenix.
Police found loaded guns, duct tape, and zip ties, along with news clippings and love letters to Johnson in the man’s car. While every suspect is innocent until proven guilty in court, this guy has already won a Gold Medal in “Creepy.”
And he’s still less frightening than Steve Wozniak’s dancing.
The man had packed all his belongings and drove across the country based on a belief that Shawn had been communicating with him through the television using ESP. Everyone hopes this bizarre behavior is really a harmless hoax and that the man just turns out to be Joaquin Phoenix.
“Double-Spaced”
Software billionaire Charles Simonyi made his second vacation trip into space today as a passenger on board a Russian rocket bound for the International Space Station. Experts take it that the world economy is now so bad that rich people are just trying to get off the planet.
Simonyi was a software developer at Microsoft who then became the world’s first “space tourist” with his first voyage into orbit, also aboard a Russian spacecraft. Not to be outdone, Apple is now working on the iRocket.
Simonyi was a software developer at Microsoft who then became the world’s first “space tourist” with his first voyage into orbit, also aboard a Russian spacecraft. Not to be outdone, Apple is now working on the iRocket.
“Happy Vulcan Birthday”
Leonard Nimoy, most famous as Mr. Spock, celebrates his birthday today, and he is turning 78. Fans who want to say the famous Vulcan catch phrase to him now have to adapt it to, “Live really long and prosper.”
Beyond his iconic Star Trek role, Nimoy has done a wide variety of other TV shows, films, radio theatre, and staged readings. At age 78, his biggest accomplishment is that he has finally lived down his late 1960’s record album of Spock poetry and folk songs.
Beyond his iconic Star Trek role, Nimoy has done a wide variety of other TV shows, films, radio theatre, and staged readings. At age 78, his biggest accomplishment is that he has finally lived down his late 1960’s record album of Spock poetry and folk songs.
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
“Clinton on Drugs:”
Secretary of State Hillary Clinton is in Mexico City to talk to top government officials there about the war with drug cartels. She said, “Our insatiable demand for illegal drugs fuels the drug trade.” And that was just referring to her husband Bill and herself.
The Obama administration has announced a new plan to combat smuggling, including the use of federal agents, high-tech surveillance, and lining the entire U.S./Mexican border with out-of-work auto-workers.
The Obama administration has announced a new plan to combat smuggling, including the use of federal agents, high-tech surveillance, and lining the entire U.S./Mexican border with out-of-work auto-workers.
“Restaurants Willing to Eat It”
Many national dining chains are creating cheaper meals and specials to try to drive slumping sales figures back up. For example, even cheap menu items like “Biscuits and Gravy” can now be ordered even cheaper, as just “Gravy.”
Several popular restaurant brands have launched dinner deals. Chili’s has meals under $7, including a burger, freshly bought and unwrapped from McDonald’s.
Applebee’s has dropped some entree prices to under $10, without any effort to improve the food.
Outback Steakhouse said they “decided to get back to the DNA of the brand,” meaning, of course, cheap Aussie favorites like shish koala-bob and kanga-steaks.
The restaurants are also doing more ambitious marketing, too, but don’t want to appear desperate. Maybe that’s why T.G. I. Friday’s went back to their original name after 2 weeks as Please Eat at Friday’s.
Several popular restaurant brands have launched dinner deals. Chili’s has meals under $7, including a burger, freshly bought and unwrapped from McDonald’s.
Applebee’s has dropped some entree prices to under $10, without any effort to improve the food.
Outback Steakhouse said they “decided to get back to the DNA of the brand,” meaning, of course, cheap Aussie favorites like shish koala-bob and kanga-steaks.
The restaurants are also doing more ambitious marketing, too, but don’t want to appear desperate. Maybe that’s why T.G. I. Friday’s went back to their original name after 2 weeks as Please Eat at Friday’s.
“Bertinelli’s Beach Bod”
Actress Valerie Bertinelli is on the cover of People magazine this week, clad in a bikini, after dieting on the Jenny Craig plan for 9 months and losing over 40 lbs. How did she do it? One day at a time.
In the last 3 weeks, knowing the bikini photo-shoot was coming, she trimmed down her food intake to only 1200 calories a day. After so long out of a bathing suit, that wasn’t the only thing she had to trim down.
In the last 3 weeks, knowing the bikini photo-shoot was coming, she trimmed down her food intake to only 1200 calories a day. After so long out of a bathing suit, that wasn’t the only thing she had to trim down.
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
“Spiderman Thai’d to Rescue”
In Bangkok, Thailand today, an 8-year-old autistic boy, frightened by his first day at his new special-needs school, had climbed out a window to a 3rd story ledge, but was rescued when fireman in a Spiderman costume coaxed him back inside. Suspiciously, the only one to get any pictures of the brave rescue was New York City freelance photographer, Peter Parker.
When other students asked how Spiderman got there so quickly, the teachers’ answer was simple: he was on the Web.
While at the school, Spiderman taught the teachers one of his superhero skills: locking windows.
One hates to think how tragically this could have ended. For instance, if it had been a Disney character, that firefighter would have been sued by now.
The incident was widely reported with its happy ending, except in the Daily Bugle, where J. Jonah Jameson describes Spiderman as a “menace,” who “drives children out onto window ledges.”
When President Obama heard that the incident took place at a special needs school, he immediately compared the school to his bowling skills.
When other students asked how Spiderman got there so quickly, the teachers’ answer was simple: he was on the Web.
While at the school, Spiderman taught the teachers one of his superhero skills: locking windows.
One hates to think how tragically this could have ended. For instance, if it had been a Disney character, that firefighter would have been sued by now.
The incident was widely reported with its happy ending, except in the Daily Bugle, where J. Jonah Jameson describes Spiderman as a “menace,” who “drives children out onto window ledges.”
When President Obama heard that the incident took place at a special needs school, he immediately compared the school to his bowling skills.
Monday, March 23, 2009
“On The 'Cat' Walk”
A fisherman at the Thames River in England spotted a catfish walking out of the river and called the Environment Agency, who confirmed and photographed the find. Charles Darwin, himself, promptly sat up in his grave and said, “Holy crap!”
It’s not that surprising that the catfish climbed out of the river, as everyone knows cats hate water.
The walking catfish has pectoral fins that allow it to walk out of water when seeking a new home, and it can also breathe air for extended periods. These catfish can be pests to indigenous species, and are a real pain to firefighters when they get stuck up in a tree.
The biggest danger to the land-bound catfish is being chased by hungry dogfish.
It’s not that surprising that the catfish climbed out of the river, as everyone knows cats hate water.
The walking catfish has pectoral fins that allow it to walk out of water when seeking a new home, and it can also breathe air for extended periods. These catfish can be pests to indigenous species, and are a real pain to firefighters when they get stuck up in a tree.
The biggest danger to the land-bound catfish is being chased by hungry dogfish.
“Brief Mission” or “Fly Boys”
Aboard the International Space Station this week, Japanese astronaut Koicha Wakata’s mission includes testing new underpants made for life in space. The first problem, of course, is that in zero-gravity, underwear tends to ride up.
The underpants are made to be super-absorbent of sweat, insulated, quick-drying, and antibacterial. The only known design flaw is that they have not been able to make them wedgie-proof.
-This is a real disadvantage, since many space exploration scientists are vulnerable due to their classification as nerds.
The real question is, in the tense moments leading up to a landing back on earth, can the underwear handle a splashdown?
Space agencies are trying to extend the life of disposable garments used in space, since there isn’t a sufficient water supply to wash them. Dry cleaning is out of the question, based on the risk that the astronauts might forget their ticket.
The European Space Agency is way ahead of NASA in both the “not washing clothes” and “not bathing” areas.
Mr. Wakata cannot change the underwear more than once a week for the test, an element described as the “mother’s shame” factor.
Japan is confident in Wakata’s piloting skills, as well, stating that he could land a space shuttle on any runway, without so much as leaving a skid mark.
Strict military rank and protocol prevent any astronauts from voluntarily “going commando.”
The underpants are made to be super-absorbent of sweat, insulated, quick-drying, and antibacterial. The only known design flaw is that they have not been able to make them wedgie-proof.
-This is a real disadvantage, since many space exploration scientists are vulnerable due to their classification as nerds.
The real question is, in the tense moments leading up to a landing back on earth, can the underwear handle a splashdown?
Space agencies are trying to extend the life of disposable garments used in space, since there isn’t a sufficient water supply to wash them. Dry cleaning is out of the question, based on the risk that the astronauts might forget their ticket.
The European Space Agency is way ahead of NASA in both the “not washing clothes” and “not bathing” areas.
Mr. Wakata cannot change the underwear more than once a week for the test, an element described as the “mother’s shame” factor.
Japan is confident in Wakata’s piloting skills, as well, stating that he could land a space shuttle on any runway, without so much as leaving a skid mark.
Strict military rank and protocol prevent any astronauts from voluntarily “going commando.”
“P, Katy”
Singer Katy Perry revealed on her blog that during a photo shoot for a magazine, a chimpanzee who was part of the shoot “peed all over her.” The chimp then used sign language to say, “I pissed a girl and I liked it.”
Katy has since cancelled a scheduled photo shoot with R. Kelly and Andy Dick.
Katy has since cancelled a scheduled photo shoot with R. Kelly and Andy Dick.
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