NEWS SUMMARY

New York’s Governor David Paterson made the announcement today that he was ending his campaign for re-election, but defended his record and stressed that he will remain in office until the end of his term. An aide then came in and informed Paterson that he had been speaking alone, to an empty room.



President Obama’s Social Secretary Desiree Rogers announced Friday that she would be stepping down. Most Americans had not even heard of Ms. Rogers until this announcement. Turns out she’s not that social of a secretary.



A 6.9 earthquake hit off the southern coast of Japan early Saturday morning. There have not yet been any related reports of violence, emotional trauma, or property damage, but if there are, Japan is already prepared to make a TV game show out of it.



Two massive, giant icebergs, one 60 and the other 48 miles long, dislodged from Antarctica and are now floating together in the Southern ocean. Word is, they finally find out James Cameron made another movie and were hoping to get cast if it was a Titanic sequel.

“Taking a Stab at Therapy”

A Cincinnati psychiatrist had been charged with assault for stabbing a woman in his office. The psychiatrist explained that half of psycho-analysis is... psycho.

Said Sigmund Freud, "Jah, the stabbing was clearly the result of a childhood trauma. You see, the weapon was obviously symbolic of the penis… and in this case, the psychiatrist is the actual penis.”

The psychiatrist claims it was an accident, saying the knife just made a Freudian slip.

“Cure for Health Care”

President Obama’s health coverage summit took place today, and was televised, live, for 7 straight hours. Now, that’s some healthy coverage.

Though little in the way of bipartisanship was achieved, both Democrats and Republicans accomplishing one major goals: getting lots of face-time on TV.

“Free Whale-y”

In the wake of the Sea World tragedy this week, PETA is calling for all whales and dolphins to be set free from all aquariums and water parks, to live in the open waters of the wild. This marks the first PETA is in complete agreement with poachers.

“Matters of the Heart”

Dick Cheney was taken to the hospital early in the week for having had a mild heart attack following complaints of chest pains. Or as he refers it, ‘Monday.’

Cheney’s heart was described as small, shriveled and dark, but for him that’s normal.

Cheney is expected to be released and be back to his secret, scary work in no time.

“Give ‘Em a Brake”

Toyota says it is still investigating the cause of the faulty brakes that necessitated their recent recalls. They has been accused of knowing about the problem, acting too slow to correct it. It seems that, just like their cars, Toyota’s problems show no sign of slowing down.

Toyota owners used to tease American-made car owners about their vehicles breaking down. As we now know, Toyota’s vehicles never brake.

“Scanners”

Boston’s Logan and Chicago’s O’Hare Airport will be the first U.S. cities to have the new clothing-penetrating full-body scanners installed within 2 weeks. It could prove a lose-lose situation, as critics say the scanners invade passengers’ privacy, and scanner technicians know Boston and Chicago have more than their fair share of fatties.

The scanners were paid for with federal stimulus money, marking the first use of public funds to see your privates.

“Fine Network Programming”

CBS was back in court this week, trying to fight the 2004 FCC ruling which fined the network for Janet Jackson’s Superbowl Halftime show “wardrobe malfunction.” CBS says the fine is unfair, describing it as ‘tit for tat.’

The decency issue discussed Tuesday was over the flashing of a 41-year-old Janet’s bare right breast. In a related story, Tuesday was also National Pancake Day.

“A Little News”

A man from Nepal is traveling to Europe to petition to be named the world’s shortest man. He is 18 year’s old and only 22 inches tall. Experts say his chances are small.

Doctors in Nepal have reportedly been unable to explain why he is so small. Doctors in every other country, however, say it’s because he hasn’t grown.

The man wants the title and to be entered into the Guinness Book of World Records, but even more than that he says, “I wants me pot of gold.”

Even if he gets the official world record and fame that goes with it, he will likely return to his regular job, working in Santa’s workshop.

Maybe you never knew about this man from Katmandu before, or about his story, but now you feel close to him. If so, for you, the world just got a little smaller.

“Super Rich”

A rare copy of the first Superman comic book was sold at auction for $1 million. The buyer wished to remain anonymous, but is described as a mild-mannered reporter for a great metropolitan newspaper.

The selling price for the classic 1938 book shatters the previous record for a comic, which was a shock to the buyer once he saw the price on the cover says 10 cents.

The comic book will seem familiar to fans of the movie Superman Returns in one way. It’s the exact same weight as Kate Bosworth.

One interesting note is how the art may be interpreted differently through time. To comic readers of 1938, Superman appears to be lifting a car over his head. In 2010, he is obviously catching a run-away Toyota.

“Can a Tiger Change his Stripes?”

Tiger Woods issued a public apology for his infidelities on Friday, asking his fans to find room in their hearts to believe in him again. He also asks that they find rooms in hotels for him to get it on.

Woods addressed rumors that his wife Elin hit him on the night he left home and crashed his Escalade. He insisted that his wife has never hit him. Ever. No once. Yet.

Tiger took the blame, praised his wife, and sounded sincere. He hopes that somehow all of this will, over time, get him laid.

-With his wife or not; doesn’t matter.

“G’day, Saint”

Pope Benedict XVI confirmed sainthood on Mother Mary MacKillop, making her Australia’s first saint. In the 1800’s, Mary built schools with the Sisters of St. Joseph, after a brief stint with the Order of the Bloomin’ Onion.

Mother Mary will become the matron saint of all things Australian. This means any Catholic in need can pray to her whenever they are lost on a walkabout, are threatened with a boomerang, or see a bad Nicole Kidman movie.

“Easy Come, Easy Go”

Ronald Howes, Sr., inventor of the Easy Bake Oven, died this week at the age of 83. His remains will be cremated using a single light bulb.

“Weapons of Mass Disappearance” or “Gun Shy”

A Department of Homeland Security report revealed that between 2005 and 2008, department officers lost 289 firearms. Disturbingly, 15 wound up in the hands of crime suspects. Even more disturbingly, the rest wound up in the hands of a drunk Rip Torn.

Former President George W. Bush, who helped create the department following 9/11, was disappointed to hear that so many weapons were lost. Especially since now those guns will never be used to kill anybody.

“Party Pooper”

When Dick Cheney attended a Conservative Political Action Committee meeting with his daughter Liz, the crowd chanted “Run Cheney, Run” referring to a 2012 presidential bid. Cheney waved them off and pretended not to have secretly held the job for 8 years.

“Film School”

A Philadelphia area school district is being accused of issuing webcam-outfitted laptop computers to students in order to spy on them. The superintendent said, “I have no comment about the allegations or anything we saw during ‘Operation: American Pie’.”

Students became suspicious when they started getting homework assignments like “Go home and walk around the house naked.”

It doesn’t look good for the teachers that grades were no longer based on students’ test scores, but on how hot they are.

“Tiger Pause”

The Wildlife Conservation Society reports that the world’s wild tiger population has dropped to an all-time low. In the United States, however, the divorce rate and shortage of single men has caused an upswing in the number of cougars.

The biggest threats to tigers are deforestation, hunting by poachers, and most of all, cheating on their wives.

Experts say that tigers’ best chance of survival now is to promote Frosted Flakes.

“Q-Tips on the Q-T?"

Transportation officials may begin new airport security screening including swabbing air passengers' hands to detect explosives or chemical residues. The hand-swabbing is faster than proposed body scanners, and less invasive than random wet-willies.

Terrorists may be forced to hide their activities by extreme measures they have never attempted before, such as washing their hands.

“Dead Wrong”

A Memphis, Tennessee funeral home mixed up two bodies, resulting in a deceased man being mistakenly cremated and a woman’s remains buried in a grave in his place. This never would have happened if they had clearly posted signs in the room, “Ashes to ashes,” on one side, “Dust to dust” on the other.

The funeral director wants to try to make it up to the cremated person’s next of kin, but he’s already been burned once.

Setting the fire to the wrong body may yet lead to even more firings.

The funeral home didn’t admit the mistake at first, due to a “Don’t Ash, Don’t Tell” policy.

“In Phillips' Head”

Singer Chynna Phillips has entered rehab treatment for anxiety. The anxiety was over her father John Phillips somehow being more sexually attracted to her sister Mackenzie.

Flying vs. Tweeting

Film director Kevin Smith says he was told he was too fat to fly on Southwest Airlines this week, Twittering about the incident until Southwest apologized and put him on a later flight. They then removed every other passenger from the plane so it could take off with Smith aboard.

Southwest’s apology also came with a $100 voucher to Smith for a future flight, which could be considered a fat reward.

“Sensitive Sarah”

Sarah Palin lashed out at the Fox network’s show Family Guy, in which a character with Down syndrome said her mom was the former governor of Alaska. Palin works for Fox News, and is hoping to bring down the entire network, because to quit 2 jobs in a row would look bad.

Friday's News:

The Rhode Island state legislature elected Rep. Gordon Fox its first black and openly gay House speaker. The only surprise is that it took this long, since the state’s nickname, “Little Rhody,” sounds like it’s either black or gay.

General Motors says that Tiger Woods, who appeared in ads for Buick until last year, didn’t sell many cars for them. In his defense, it’s hard to sell a car when you’re in the back seat having sex.

Rhode Island Congressman Patrick Kennedy says he will not seek another term in the House of Representatives at the next election. Unless he can get Sen. Scott Brown to legally adopt him.

Kennedy wants to move on to the other important work of his family legacy. He feels he has a lot of drinking and carousing to do.

Ben Quayle, son of former Vice President Dan Quayle, is getting into the political ring and running for Congress in Arizona. Said Dan, “I guess the potato doesn’t fall far from the tree.”

“Fat Chance”

A new study says that obese children are more likely to face the threat of an early death. The study was conducted by the bullies threatening them.

An obese teen boy, for example, faces a shorter life from factors varying from heart disease and diabetes to dying of embarrassment when forced to take off his shirt to go swimming.

Obesity can also cause tension headaches and depression. Fortunately, television and fashion magazines feature skinny people, making teens feel bad enough about themselves to change.

“Clinton’s Hospital Stent”

Former President Bill Clinton had 2 heart stents put in Thursday after being taken to the hospital for chest pains. Clinton is still resting in the hospital. Fortunately, he’s quite comfortable sleeping in a strange bed.

Secretary of State Hillary Clinton was surprised by the rush to the hospital and surgical ordeal. She had no idea her husband even had a heart.

Clinton assures those close to him that with the stents in place, he has no trouble getting blood flow to his penis.

Clinton has been working with George W. Bush for Haiti relief, which has proven to be an effective and humanitarian way for Clinton to get laid.

“Getting a Leg Up” or “Patient’s Right”

A Scotland prosthetics expert put a second left leg on a patient who needed the right, and failed to notice the mistake in follow-up visits. He has now lost his right to practice, but thinks he lost his left to practice.

The patient was very upset, saying, “How would he feel if the shoe was on the other foot?”

It just goes to prove that old adage, ‘[Two lefts don’t make a right.’

After getting no help in 2 later visits to the hospital, the patient finally had to put his foot down.

If a civil suit is filed, the case could limp along for years.

If the patient has to testify, he is ready to hop to it.

The patient had planned to sue, but doesn’t have a leg to stand on.

“Human Interest Story”

A research study says that boredom may be a factor in shortening people’s lives. In the study, civil servants answered extensive questionnaires. The researchers then read all of them and died.

In a related story, people who watched The Who’s Super-bowl halftime show are dropping like flies.

“Fond of Honda”

Honda recalled 437,000 of its vehicles due to what they are reporting as faulty air-bags. –Which is a pretty mean nickname for their PR guys.

There isn’t actually anything wrong with the air-bags, but Honda hates it when Toyota gets all the press.

“Sorry Mayer”

John Mayer issued an apology on Twitter for comments revealed in the March issue of Playboy. He said he is sorry for things he said about exes Jessica Simpson and Jennifer Aniston, and for using the ‘N-word.’ Luckliy, it was in Playboy, so though millions of copies were sold, nobody read it.

Mayer apologized for all but the most offensive thing: his music.

“Iranians’ Pain” or "Governemnt Closing 'Net"

Iran’s government is permanently shutting down the use of Gmail there, saying the move is meant to boost local development of technology. Iran could use that boost, since the local economy is currently driven by medical supplies for government beating victims.

“Indecent Proposal”

According to The New York Post, John Edwards proposed to his ex-mistress and mother of his 2-year-old daughter Reille Hunter last month. The Post says Edwards plans to buy a house for them to live together, unless, you know, Reille gets cancer.

Edwards maintains that there are still “two America’s,” one with your wife, and one with your mistress.

“Talking Cars”

Toyota president Akio Toyoda apologized and said that he is taking personal responsibility for all of the company’s vehicle recalls over brake problems. He didn’t mean to make it so personal, but, like a Toyota, he just couldn’t stop himself.

Toyota halted production of many models due to the issue of brake failures. This was difficult for Toyota, because when they tried to stop the assembly line, the brakes didn’t work.

Owners of American companies’ cars seem more proud than ever. Not only do their cars stop, most of the time they won’t even start.

Gold-diggers who already cut the brake lines on their spouse’s new Toyota to make their death look like an accident are angry at having wasted their time.

In a PR spin, the company says Toyota thefts have dropped, so they are actually lowering crime.

“Do the Rice Thing”

Scientists in India have developed a variety of rice that does not require boiling, only soaking in water. Plans to mass market the rice are going along swimmingly.

The new rice never needs to be cooked, according to raw data.

Research shows that if you put this rice in a watched pot, it will never boil.

“I’m A’lovin It”

Controversy erupted this week over McDonald’s new ‘McItaly’ burger, which Italian authorities say could have a negative impact on Italy’s pride. Apparently they haven’t heard about Burger King’s derogatory ‘Wop-er.’

Italy doesn’t want McDonald’s sandwich to play to Italian stereotypes, so they will make McDonald’s an offer they can’t refuse.

McDonald’s new variation on its heat-lamp re-warmed burgers will now taste like fine, Italian leather.

“Hand Writing”

Sarah Palin met with criticism for apparently writing notes on her hand for a speech at the Tea Party convention this past weekend. In her defense, Palin pointed out that the writing on her hand was just to help her remember “left” versus “right.”

A closer look at Palin’s hand revealed the hand-note was a message to the survivors of Oceanic flight 815. It said, “Not Penny’s boat.”

“Different Strokes of Justice”

Gary Coleman pleaded guilty Monday to a misdemeanor charge of criminal mischief relating to a domestic violence case from last April. Coleman already served a short jail term.

Coleman was ordered to pay a $595 fine, but may be short… on cash.

In court, Coleman approached the bench, not to speak to the judge, but to climb on it so he could see.

Gary was hoping to bring the case to a higher court, but couldn’t reach it.

“Bad Medicine”

Michael Jackson’s former physician, Dr. Conrad Murray pleaded not guilty to involuntary manslaughter Monday. Fans are still heartbroken, partly over Michael’s death, but mainly over The Jacksons Family Legacy reality show.

“Minor Incident”

A 12-year-old New York City girl was hand-cuffed and arrested by police for writing on her school desk with an erasable marker. School administrators admit they are tough on vandalism and even tougher on penmanship.

Had the girl used a permanent marker, she would have been executed.

The marker incident will go down on the student’s erasable record.

The school says that the arrest is less about an isolated incidence of graffiti, and more about persistent sloppy spelling.

The girl’s lawyer is trying to reduce charges to possession on a crayon.

The police think the smiley face the girl drew is a gang symbol.

The school claims the marker was a weapon. They quoted, “The pen is mightier than the sword.”

After her arrest and detention at the police station, the girl will no longer be marking desks at school. She’s moving up to courtyard tattoos.

“Car Lost Its Sheen”

Charlie Sheen had a Mercedes stolen from his home Friday, and the car was found overturned at the bottom of a nearby cliff shortly after. The Mercedes now claims that the whole thing was its own fault and it wants to reconcile with Charlie.

Charlie was upset about the vehicle’s theft and damage, nostalgic about all the chicks he used to bang in that thing.

“Mr. Rogers’ Neighborhood”

Coutry music icon Kenny Rogers will be celebrating his career with a TV special scheduled to tape in April. Unfortunately, the special will focus on his music; not his chicken.

In an ironic twist, his classic song The Gambler will be re-written to tell the story of a man who kept going back for more plastic surgery.

“Lost in Translation” or “Dead language”

A woman from the Andaman Islands in the Indian Ocean who died this week was the last speaker in the world of an old language, which sadly died with her. The lost language was known as ‘proper English.’

“Eco-movie Makes Green”

The movie Avatar surpassed Titanic this week to become the highest grossing movie of all time, with over $600 million in domestic ticket sales. James Cameron admits his secret, “Whether its Sam Worthington on the moon Pandora or Leonardo DiCaprio in the freezing Atlantic ocean: just turn your leading man blue.”

“Dummy on Board”

A New York woman was ticketed for traveling on a freeway carpool lane with no other passengers in her vehicle, but a dressed mannequin in the passenger seat. The woman now realizes her error: she should have let the mannequin drive.

“High in the Sky”

On a flight out of Philadelphia Wednesday, a man screamed, dropped his pants, and fought crew members until subdued, and now claims it was because he was high on medical marijuana cookies. Experts say, if that were true, he would have just kept eating the cookies.

The flight was bound for Los Angeles, but due to the passenger’s unruly behavior, it was diverted to Pittsburgh. That horrifying news sobered him right up.

China's Power

China is now the biggest generator of wind energy in the world, having doubled its turbine capacity to 25 gigawatts last year, out of 158 gigawatts worldwide. To put those numbers in perspective, that’s more than enough power to send a DeLorean back to the future!

“Sorry State”

White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel apologized for using the word “retarded” to describe a liberal activist as campaign. Not wanting to offend anyone, Emanuel said, “I’m really f---ing sorry.”

Emanuel said he meant no offense, and that anyone who didn’t understand that “has to be a f---ing Mongoloid.”

“Palin Comparison”

Sarah Palin called for the firing of White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel for referring to a bunch of liberal activists as “F---ing retarded.” Palin felt the description should be applied to ALL liberals, not just activists.

Palin may have misunderstood Emanuel, since she then morally condemned any activists who are f---ing the retarded.

Palin is especially sensitive about the mentally disabled. She has a son who has Down’s Syndrome and she has a lot of opinions that are stupid.

Groundhog's Day

Punxsutaney Phil, Pennsylvania’s famous groundhog, saw his shadow today, predicting another six weeks of winter. Also predicting another six weeks of winter: the calendar.

“Armed Forces Get Fierce”

The Pentagon is taking steps to repeal its ‘Don’t ask, don’t tell’ policy regarding gays serving in the military. Finally, soldiers will be free to be ‘out,’ except in reference to Iraq and Afghanistan.

Gays openly serving in the military could change the whole meaning of a ‘decorated officer.’

Gay Marine Corps recruiters are already looking for a few good men.

“Oscar Bait and Switch”

The Academy Awards nominees were announced Tuesday morning, with Avatar named in 9 categories, including "Best Unoriginal Screenplay" and “Outstanding Remake of Dances with Wolves”

“Air Traffic Control” or “Jersey, Sure” or “Plane as Day”

A traffic reporter was forced to land his small airplane on the New Jersey Turnpike Monday, when his oil pressure dropped. But at least he scooped the competition when it came to reporting the back-up on the New Jersey Turnpike.

The plane landed undamaged, but tragically, the pilot was stuck in New Jersey.

The pilot made a smooth landing and no one was hurt, but state police will be after him for not paying the toll.

“Obscene Phone Messages” “Senior Correspondence”

The AARP says that sexting, exchanging sexually explicit text or photo messages, is as popular among seniors as it is among young people. This claim was subsequently confirmed by the Institute for Disgusting Studies.

Though sexting has mainly thought to be a teen phenomenon, this story really adds some new wrinkles.

The AARP has offered advice to seniors sending flirty or X-rated texts or cell phone pictures to be discreet. For example ladies, if you send a naked photo of yourself, shoot it from the knees down, so only your breasts will show.

In light of this information, cell phone sales are really sagging, and that’s not the only thing.

Heightened awareness of seniors’ sex lives has now begun to cause younger people to get grossed out whenever retirees say it’s time for them to “move down South.”

“Torn in Pieces?”

Actor Rip Torn was arrested after breaking a window and entering a Connecticut bank, drunk, with a loaded gun. Presumably, Torn would rather be in jail than be forced to be in Men in Black III.

Upon entering the bank, Torn said, “If you can dodge a bullet, you can dodge a ball.”

In a career spanning over 50 years, he simply had a lot of tabloid headline catching up to do.

Torn did not demand or take any money from the bank, but if he had, he agent was prepared to immediately collect his 10%.