“Salad Days”

A California company has recalled over 90 tons of pre-packed salads and wraps over fears that they may contain a strain of E. coli.  Just what Americans need: another excuse not to eat vegetables.

 

The contaminated foods will be collected by the FDA and redistributed as low-cost elementary school lunches.

“Shuttered Shuttle Shuttled”

http://www.usatoday.com/news/nation/story/2012/09/21/endeavour-soars-over-sacramento-en-route-to-la/57815248/1

The retired Space Shuttle Endeavor landed in Los Angeles today.   It was flown in, strapped to the top of a jumbo jet.  The unusual landing not only impressed spectators, it earned the shuttle the nickname “Romney’s Dog.”

Now that its retired, the shuttle will become an exhibit at the California Science Center, where it will spend it's days talking with other shuttles about the good old days, and telling everyone else to get out of its yard.

“Water Test”

http://travel.usatoday.com/destinations/dispatches/post/2012/06/survey-clean-beaches-national-resources-defense-council/789540/1?csp=hf

The Natural Resources Defense Council’s annual report on beach safety is being released today, naming the worst beaches for pollution and health violations, including beaches in California, Illinois, and Louisiana high on the list.  Still, the most bacteria-infected body of water is the Jersey Shore hot tub.

In California, both Avalon and Doheny State Beach were reported for persistant contamination problems.  Not surprisingly, the number one contributing factor towards water-borne diseases on the beaches of California is the Kardashians.

"West Coast Gays"

http://usnews.msnbc.msn.com/_news/2012/02/08/10355280-washington-lawmakers-pass-gay-marriage-bill

Washington state’s House of Representatives passed a bill Wednesday to allow same-sex marriages, following the state Senate’s passage last week, and the governor is expected to sign it into law next week.  So while the skies over Washington are often overcast, it seems that every cloud has a pink lining.

This means Seattle’s rain will finally stop, if only to make room for the rainbows.

http://usnews.msnbc.msn.com/_news/2012/02/07/10342899-court-calif-ban-on-gay-marriage-is-unconstitutional

A federal appeals court ruled that California’s same-sex marriage ban is unconstitutional.  The judges ruled 2 to 1 in the case, and then the 2 judges in the majority ran off to marry each other.

“Clean Air and Consciences”

http://www.usatoday.com/money/autos/environment/story/2012-01-27/california-air-car-hybrids/52820334/1

California has passed new emission standards aimed at a 75% reduction in air pollution by 2025, by pushing hybrid and electric cars.  Not only will they reduce smog by up to 75%, there will also be a 34% reduction in hybrid snobbery and electric smugness.

Because ‘smug’ and ‘snob’ equals ‘smog.’

“Shark Week”

http://www.usatoday.com/news/nation/story/2011-09-07/Calif-lawmakers-pass-bill-banning-shark-fin-trade/50291584/1

The California legislature is seeking to ban the selling, buying, and possession of shark fins.  Except through licensed, medical shark fin dispensaries.

If shark fins become illegal, police will be arresting anyone caught driving a 1959 Cadillac.

The idea is to get people to stop hunting and killing sharks for food, but no new legislation is trying to keep sharks from killing people for food.

“Arnold Likes to Pump Up, but Not Pay Up”

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/entertainment/post/2011/07/schwarzenegger-rejects-spousal-support-/1

According to their divorce papers, Arnold Schwarzenegger does not want to pay spousal support to Maria Shriver.  To be fair, he’s been out of a job since January.

Arnold is trying to cut her off like she was a California state employee.

If you objectively look at the math, Arnold really cannot afford to pay spousal support, because he’s got too many hush money payments to keep making to his other former mistresses.

“North & South”

http://news.yahoo.com/51st-state-small-step-forward-long-shot-south-233234624.html;3.

A Riverside politician has proposed 13 California counties secede from California to form their own state to be called "South California."  Those missing counties would then be replaced by Mexico.

The plan is generally considered impractical, however, since it would be too hard to design an American flag with 51 stars.

"Virtual Rights"

Last week, The Supreme Court struck down a California law that would have banned selling violent video games to kids, based on First Amendment rights issues.  The law's intention was to get kids off the couch and outside, where they can commit crimes for real.

“Terminating their Marriage”

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/ap_en_mo/us_schwarzenegger_shriver_separation

Arnold Schwarzenegger and Maria Shriver announced in a joint statement Monday that they were splitting up.  By releasing a prepared statement, Arnold didn’t have to grope for words.

Maria may have been California’s First Lady, but she certainly won’t be Arnold’s last.

Arnold explained, “Maria just doesn’t understand me,” to which Maria replied, “It’s that stupid accent.”

It’s possible that the direction of Schwarzenegger’s career may have put too much stress on their relationship.  After all, he has been unemployed since January.

The timing of the split is puzzling to many, especially since the Hollywood power couple hasn’t even made a reality show yet.

As Arnold stood in the doorway with his suitcases in his hands, his last words to Maria were, “I’ll be back.”

There were no accusations of infidelity, although it is well known that Arnold spent the last 7 years screwing California.

Now that the former Mr. Universe will be living alone again, for the first time in years he'll be pumping his own iron.

“Drawn Out Career”

Arnold Schwarzenegger announced that his new "Governator" character will be turned into a comic book and animated TV series.  In both, Arnold will fight, crush, and ultimately bury his arch-nemesis: California.

Like all of Schwarzenegger’s characters, the Governator will be two-dimensional.

Like everything Arnold did as governor for 7 years, this project will be cartoonish.

Schwarzenegger will do the voice acting for the character, marking the first time what he does may be considered “acting.”

"Glowing Review"

As the situation at the Japanese nuclear plant escalates, experts are telling west coast residents not to worry about radiation exposure. So Californians just went right back to tanning.

"Don't Cal. Us, We'll Cal. You"

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/ondeadline/post/2011/01/new-calif-governor-takes-away-cellphones-from-48k-state-workers/1

Newly sworn-in California Governor Jerry Brown is taking 48,000 state-paid cell-phones back from about 96,000 state employees who were issued them. The move will save about $20 million a year. It also means when you call a state agency to complain, there’s no one to answer your call.

This will also save money on roads and highways, since you’ll have 48,000 fewer people causing accidents, talking on cell phones while driving.

California News

On Tuesday, California's ballot measure to legalize marijuana for recreational use was voted down. So no one in California will be smoking marijuana. In an unrelated story, meet me out back at 4:20 if you want some… bubble gum.

San Francisco has approved a measure to ban the sale of Happy Meals. San Francisco will simply replace them with Gay Meals.

“Jumping the Shark”

http://www.usatoday.com/news/nation/2010-10-25-shark25_ST_N.htm

Three Southern California beaches that closed due to a shark attack last week reopened Monday. Though some surfers are leery about returning, many die-hards were there to resume their passion, first thing, Monday morning. In particular, lifeguards are seeing a lot more surfing sharks.

Hoping to use the recent publicity to lure tourists, one of the spots has been re-named "Shark Attack Beach."