“Too ‘Legit’ To Quit”

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/onpolitics/post/2012/08/todd-akin-abortion-missouri-senate-race-/1#.UDQZBqmPUsc

Mitt Romney is calling on Rep. Todd Akin to drop out of the Senate race in Missouri, in the wake of his comments that women rarely get pregnant from “legitimate rape.”  Akin refuses to quit, saying he might step aside only if Romney releases his “legitimate tax returns.”

Akin’s initial mistake was misunderstanding the expression “illegitimate children.”  

“Wu’s Woes”

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/onpolitics/post/2011/07/david-wu-sex-scandal-/1?csp=hf

Oregon Congressman David Wu announced today that he will resign, as he faces allegations of having an unwanted sexual encounter with a campaign contributor’s 18-year-old daughter.  Or as Congress has begun to call that, “self-imposed term limits.”

“Latest in Weiner Coverage”

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/onpolitics/post/2011/06/anthony-weiner-sex-scandal-resignation-/1

Congressman Anthony Weiner has resigned from office following his Facebook and Twitter scandal.  Anthony may be back though.  His motto is, you can’t keep a good Weiner down.

Weiner announced his resignation at a senior citizens center, where he had a lot of support.  Which makes sense since fewer senior citizens are on Twitter.

Weiner made a statement and kept it short, making it the first time in a while he felt no need to brag about his length.

Unexpectedly, though there were cameras pointed at him, the Congressman chose to keep his pants on.

Celebrities, male enhancement, sex offenders and more...

A Virginia Judge has ruled that the part of the new health care plan that makes health insurance mandatory is unconstitutional. As a result, the federal government is trying to get the FDA to rule that the Constitution in a health hazard.

The FDA is warning men to stop taking the “Man Up Now” male enhancement pill, because it could cause blood pressure to become dangerously low. Enhanced, but low.

Man Up Now was willing to add words to their product’s name to warn customers about the potential danger. They were going to call it “Man (Pushing) Up (Daisies) Now.”

The makers of Man Up Now say that if you die and remain a stiff for more than 4 hours, call your doctor.

Hugh Jackman injured himself during a stunt while taping an episode of "The Oprah Winfrey Show" in Australia. His injury wasn’t serious, but oprah fans were devastated to learn that she couldn’t magically heal him.

Sandra Bullock has been named “Woman of the Year” by People magazine. Meanwhile, her ex-husband Jesse James has been named “Man of the Year” by Douche magazine.

A new Congressional report says that registered sex offenders are finding jobs as teachers as well as other jobs in schools around children. America was shocked to learn that there are people in this country who are finding jobs.

“Rangel Them In”

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/onpolitics/post/2010/12/charles-rangel-ethics-1/1

The House of Representatives voted 333 to 79 to censure Rep. Charles Rangel over ethics violations this week, the strongest form of discipline the House has short of expulsion. Though Rangel has not actually been convicted of any crime, he broke a cardinal rule of Congress: he got caught.

“Feeding Young Minds”

http://www.usatoday.com/news/washington/2010-12-02-house-school-lunches_N.htm

Congress voted Thursday to expand free and reduced-price lunch programs to widen eligibility for more schoolchildren across the country. This is terrible news for bullies, for whom lunch money is strictly a cash business.

This move is not a surprise from Congress, since its members typically expect a free lunch.

The bill is also meant to improve nutrition standards for school lunches. According to new rules, a serving of “green vegetables” can no longer refer to moldy tater tots.

“Have You Heard?”

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/ondeadline/post/2010/12/congress-lowers-the-volume-on-tv-ads/1

Congress passed a new bill to control the volume of TV commercials to ensure that the ads will no longer be louder than the regular programming. Viewers hope that Congress will now do the same thing to Glenn Beck.

For decades, retailers have been shouting at consumers about their low, low prices. Now they are concerned they may lose business, especially since they have admitted that the only reason they can offer to sell their products so cheaply is: volume.

Certain advertisers have shunned the trend towards loud commercials, particularly in ads for hearing aids

"-Rod Rage"

New York Yankees star Alex Rodriguez admitted to using performance-enhancing steroids from 2001 to 2003, when he played for the Texas Rangers. He was very apologetic and admitted he made mistakes, but apparently is content to keep the money.

Rodriguez had denied taking steroids in a 2007 60 Minutes interview. Anabolic steroids are known to affect strength, endurance, and muscle tone. Negative side effects, however, include denial, feigned ignorance, and eventual back-pedaling.

Steroid use can strain the heart and other organs, has been connected to violent emotional outbursts known as “’roid rage,” and inevitably leads to lying to Congress.

Sports Illustrated reported that Rodriguez tested positive for Primobolan and testosterone. Because of this, from now on his nickname will have the hyphen replaced with an asterisk.
It doesn’t look as cool, does it, A*Rod?

Some scientists now speculate that it may be possible that steroids can even be transferred sexually; a theory based solely on Madonna’s biceps.

The Center for Environmental Health reported today that they have given legal notices to major retailers who have been selling products found to have high levels of lead. The stores included Wal-Mart, Target, K-Mart, Sears, Costco, and not surprisingly, All Things Lead.

The fact that lead is so prevalent despite government regulations is bad news for reatilaer and consumers. Good news for alchemists, though.

Lead has been found to be dangerous in toys if swallowed or sucked on by young children, and even more so in bullets if you are shot with one.

Congress has introduced new legislation to impose tighter restrictions on lead use, mostly intended to foil the plans of any criminal mastermind trying to conceal things from Superman’s X-Ray vision.
Good work, Congress.



Wonton Food, the largest fortune cookie maker in the U.S., has added some cautious messages to their rotation of fortunes, such as “Today is a disastrous day…” and, “It’s over your head now. …Get some professional help.” Still, it isn’t as bad the classic cookie message, “Eat me.”

So far there have not been many complaints from customers, except for one who admitted being surprised to open a cookie to a handwritten message that said, “I peed in your rice.”

The one thing Chinese restaurant patrons have found annoying is when they open a fortune cookie, and before they can read their fortune, they are solicited to refinance their mortgage.



David Hasselhoff has been hospitalized for detox. He was rushed to L.A.’s Cedars-Sinai Medical Center, but appeared on camera to be moving in slow motion.

It should be noted that Hasselhoff, a worldwide celebrity as a movie, TV, and recording star, has battled with alcoholism since long before Britney and Lindsey made it so trendy.



Congratulations to Jennifer Lopez, who is pregnant. In fact, she is expecting twins. And this time, that doesn’t refer to her ass.



Britney Spears new album, Blackout, is being released two weeks early, due to songs already spilling out on to the Internet. This is not without precedent. Audiences will of course remember Britney herself recently spilling out of her outfit on the VMA’s.

Her label, Jive Records, of course, condemns any illegal downloading or distribution of songs. They say that the only illegal activities they can condone are parked car hit-and runs, driving without a license, controlled substance abuse, and child endangerment.

Britney’s first single from the album, “Gimme More,” is already up to number 3 on Billboard.. But Britney is looking more and more like number two.

Blackout, the title of the album, is a reference to Britney’s favorite drinking hobby.



Starbucks has recalled 250,000 plastic cups for children, due to concerns that they could break and pose a choking hazard. Parents who purchased the $6 cups can either get a refund or use the money as a down payment on a Starbucks drink.

According to a new report, the Transportation Security Administration’s airplane cargo hold security practices are severely lacking. In fact, the Department of Homeland Security feels that safety and inspections are so bad, they thought Chinese toy factories were running it.



Congress is consideration legislation to require paper ballots in national elections, due to concerns about potential technical problems with more high-tech voting machines. Paper ballots make sense, since most of the candidates are cardboard cutouts anyway.

Everyone wants a fair vote, but there are opponents who say cost of a system-wide national change back to paper is a big issue. And obviously, the trees don’t get a vote.

All this may be a little too anti-technology. For example, look at absentee computer ballots. Under the new law, online voters will have to write on their flat-panel screen with a Sharpie.



Britney Spears will appear on MTV’s Video Music Awards this Sunday, mainly because she hasn’t been getting enough attention from the media.

In a related story, Kevin Federline is asking MTV to pay him a large fee, or else he’ll show up and rap.

Brit is scheduled to perform a new song called “Gimme More,” which we can speculate is about her still re-growing hair.

Fans might remember Britney's other famous MTV Awards appearances, with the python, and the kiss with Madonna. You know, back when she was thin and pretty.

Ever the concerned mother, Britney has yet to decide if, during her performance, she should let her 2 young boys get drunk backstage, or just wait in the car, unattended.



In Maine, a 65-year old woman wishing to buy wine at a local supermarket was turned away because she didn’t have a legal ID with her. Either the clerk was really a stickler for the rules, or he was trying to get a little cougar action.

Apparently it wasn’t good enough to prove her age by being able to recall where she was when President Lincoln was shot.

She had other proof of her age. Her iPod is filled with Lawrence Welk.

She was disappointed not to have been able to get her wine, because she was on her way to party! And by party, I mean, a bingo parlor.

Luckily, her grandchildren knew a place where they don’t card anybody.

The woman was reassured when she visited a senior community center the next day, and the group activity was making fake ID's.