"TSA Screened"

http://travel.usatoday.com/flights/story/2011-11-16/Congressional-report-calls-TSA-bloated/51246416/1

A new Congressional report calls the TSA “bloated” and “ineffective.”  The report got through to Washington by airplane, completely undetected.

Had the report been a message in a bottle, however, a TSA agent would have forced the carrier to throw the bottle away before boarding.

The House Transportation Committee is troubled over their findings about the TSA.  But they are even more upset about the fact that, from now on, whenever they go through any airport, they can each expect a body cavity search.

“’Terror Alert’ Alert”

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/ondeadline/post/2011/01/ap-color-coded-terror-warnings-to-end-by-late-april-/1

Starting Thursday, the Department of Homeland Security will start dismantling the color-coded terror-alert system, which has remained at “yellow” for “elevated” since 2006. Many right-wingers are against the change, since yellow has long been the color most associated with fear.

The red-to-blue color scale is now going to be adopted by the gay community as their “rainbow to track homophobia.”

Fox News is hoping the new system will be something simple, such as, “On a scale of 1 to 10, how scared should you constantly be?”

According to a new report, the Transportation Security Administration’s airplane cargo hold security practices are severely lacking. In fact, the Department of Homeland Security feels that safety and inspections are so bad, they thought Chinese toy factories were running it.



Congress is consideration legislation to require paper ballots in national elections, due to concerns about potential technical problems with more high-tech voting machines. Paper ballots make sense, since most of the candidates are cardboard cutouts anyway.

Everyone wants a fair vote, but there are opponents who say cost of a system-wide national change back to paper is a big issue. And obviously, the trees don’t get a vote.

All this may be a little too anti-technology. For example, look at absentee computer ballots. Under the new law, online voters will have to write on their flat-panel screen with a Sharpie.



Britney Spears will appear on MTV’s Video Music Awards this Sunday, mainly because she hasn’t been getting enough attention from the media.

In a related story, Kevin Federline is asking MTV to pay him a large fee, or else he’ll show up and rap.

Brit is scheduled to perform a new song called “Gimme More,” which we can speculate is about her still re-growing hair.

Fans might remember Britney's other famous MTV Awards appearances, with the python, and the kiss with Madonna. You know, back when she was thin and pretty.

Ever the concerned mother, Britney has yet to decide if, during her performance, she should let her 2 young boys get drunk backstage, or just wait in the car, unattended.



In Maine, a 65-year old woman wishing to buy wine at a local supermarket was turned away because she didn’t have a legal ID with her. Either the clerk was really a stickler for the rules, or he was trying to get a little cougar action.

Apparently it wasn’t good enough to prove her age by being able to recall where she was when President Lincoln was shot.

She had other proof of her age. Her iPod is filled with Lawrence Welk.

She was disappointed not to have been able to get her wine, because she was on her way to party! And by party, I mean, a bingo parlor.

Luckily, her grandchildren knew a place where they don’t card anybody.

The woman was reassured when she visited a senior community center the next day, and the group activity was making fake ID's.

From Today's News: Wednesday, Aug. 15, 2007

Former Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld’s letter of resignation from last November has finally surfaced. In it, Rumsfeld plainly stated that he was stepping down, but without any reason—the same way Bush runs his presidency.

The 4 paragraph letter was dated November 7, and stamped "Read by the President" the next day. This is a bit surprising, since the letter contained no illustrations.



The Department of Homeland Security said today that border policing and disaster planning agencies will have greater access to government satellite images. This raises grave questions, like, “Is it true that spy satellites make you look 10 lbs. heavier?



A capuchin monkey named Oliver escaped from his cage at a zoo in Mississippi on Monday, for the second time in a week. He was caught the next day, and the zoo staff has since decided to replace that lock that uses a banana-shaped key.



A space walk off the shuttle Endeavor ended early today, after an astronaut’s mandatory glove inspection revealed a hole in the left thumb of his space suit. NASA is nothing if not fashion conscious.



As a part of a study into the effects of weightlessness, 24 lab mice are on board the space shuttle's urrent mission. In a related story, a new space rocket is being speedily designed and built by cats.

The mice all volunteered for the mission, thinking it was a trip to the moon, which they believe is made of cheese.

Like any civilian, the mice had to pay $10 million apiece to fly on the shuttle.

The mice seem comfortable in their zero-gravity environment, and not at all afraid. Which is good, because in space, no one can hear you squeak.

From Today's News: Aug. 8, 2007

Barry Bonds hit his record-breaking 756th home run last night in San Francisco. Now he’s going to Disneyland. Not to celebrate at the park. To get the ball he hit – it landed in Anaheim.

Breaking Hank Aaron’s record is bound to make Bonds popularity shoot up.

You know, love him or hate him, you have to admit, with all the allegations of steroid use, Bonds has really taken a lot of needling.



The Department of Homeland Security is developing a new non-lethal, hand-held weapon. It emits a powerful strobe light, using intense, varied light pulses and colors which can temporarily blind a suspect and cause dizziness, vertigo and nausea. So far, the only side effect has been disco dancing.

Of course, officials would have to be very careful to make sure that the flashlight shaped weapon was not mishandled or abused, say, to make shadow puppets.

Most training for using these light weapons will be limited to just using the Force.



Pope Benedict XVI met this week with Rev. Tadeusz Rydzyk, a controversial, Polish priest who has been accused of making anti-Semitic remarks. Tolerance groups are bothered by the pope meeting with him. Another tolerance group responded, saying, “This isn’t because the guy’s Polish, is it?”

The Vatican has made no official statement , but an inside source says there shouldn’t be much controversy, because the pope isn’t Jewish.

…Or is he? He does like to wear a yarmulke.



A New Zealand couple is giving their baby the name Superman, but only because the government won’t let them legally name him 4Real. It is unknown at this time if either parent is an android or from the planet Krypton.

The parents say they will call the boy 4Real even if the government won’t acknowledge that as his name. Their resolve was universally applauded by school bullies who can hardly wait.

Whether they call him Superman or 4Real, the important thing is that he has two parents who obviously were never allowed to have a pet when they were kids.

New Zealand’s Department of Internal Affairs, which operates the name registry, may just decide that there is a precedent that the baby Superman is better off in the foster care of Jonathan and Martha Kent of Smallville, Kansas.