“Jersey No-More”

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/entertainment/post/2012/08/mtvs-jersey-shore-will-end-after-sixth-season/1#.UD_kHcGPUsc

MTV has announced that the next season of Jersey Shore would be its last.  The reason for its cancellation after 6 seasons is that thanks to the cast, the state of New Jersey has run out of alcohol.

The most painful thing about the end of the series is, instead of referring to Nicole ‘Snooki’ Polizzi,” with the prefix “TV star,” people will have to refer to her by the prefix “Best-selling author.”

Not only do Snooki and J-Woww have their own spin-off anyway, now that Snooki has given birth to her baby, she will be opening her own production company, in her vagina.

Once the series ends, Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino will split his time between product endorsement deals and using his own existence as evidence that evolution is now working backwards. 

Actually, once the show is off the air, the cast drop their TV personas and will resume their real lives: going to college and spending their spare time reading classic literature and discussing philosophy.

“Text Book ‘Em””

http://www.usatoday.com/news/nation/story/2012-05-15/texting-while-walking-illegal/54979480/1

Several states have begun to fine pedestrians for walking and texting, in order to prevent traffic accidents.  The message is, save the texting for when you’re safely behind the wheel.

In Utah and New Jersey, fines range from $50 to $85.  Reaction to these fines has ranged from LOL to OMG.

Angry mobile customers are blaming their service carriers, who promised them unlimited texting.

Also, a lot of tickets have been issued for sexting while crossing the street, but those were for indecent exposure.

“Dark Day” or “Orange You Sorry?”

http://usnews.msnbc.msn.com/_news/2012/05/02/11500434-new-jersey-tanning-mom-denies-charges-of-child-endangerment?lite

A New Jersey mother was arrested for child endangerment for allegedly bringing her young daughter to a tanning salon, which is illegal in New Jersey for children under 14. Over 14, it becomes mandatory.

The mother tans excessively herself, but her lawyer says the charges are racially motivated and the woman is simply being harassed for being an Umpa-Lumpa.

If convicted, the mother is going to fry.  If she gets off she’ll fry, too.  She tans that much.

The woman plans to fight the charges, is willing to go to Congress and wants to get John Boehner involved.  And if he’s not available, she at least wants his tan.

Another report of a little girl in New Jersey tanned to a point of cruelty surfaced, but it turns out it was only Snooki.

"Lottery Loser"

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/ondeadline/post/2012/03/jury-lottery-winner-must-share-cash-with-co-workers/1#.T2EWm8U192A

A jury decided today that a New Jersey lottery winner has to share the $38.5 million won with a pool of 5 co-workers, who purchased 12 tickets together for $2 apiece.  The jury couldn’t do anything, however, about their future awkward silences around the water cooler.

The six men were part of a construction team, and the one who took their collective’s money to bought the tickets had claimed the entire prize as his own in 2009.  His integrity caused the other workers to A. file a lawsuit, and B. go back and check the materials in every construction project he had ever worked on.

At least the attempted lottery swindle proves that he was a jerk even before he became rich.

“Baby Train”

http://www.usatoday.com/news/nation/story/2012-01-17/mom-birth-train-new-york/52615178/1

A New Jersey woman gave birth to a baby boy on a commuter train to New York Monday.  The train conductor acted fast – he was quick to collect the fare for the extra passenger.

When the mother’s contractions quickened and it became obvious she wasn’t going to make it off the train in time, the father delivered his own baby.  Naturally, both parents’ biggest concern was that the baby not be born in New Jersey.

Once the train stopped, the family was rushed to the hospital, where doctors and administrators scrambled to charge them as much money as possible.

“Pimpin’ Dunuts”

http://www.usatoday.com/news/nation/2011-08-02-dunkin-donuts-extra-sugar-sex-sting_n.htm

A sting operation in New Jersey led to a Dunkin Donuts employee being arrested for prostitution after multiple occasions where she left with customers in their cars during her late night shifts.  Apparently, she would provide the donuts and they’d provide the crème filling.

Donuts were not what her customers were dunkin’.

At the time of her arrest, she had kind of a glazed look.

Her specialty was simply known as “the donut hole.”

One customer thought he might have caught an STD when one night, he discovered sprinkles on it.

When she was arrested, the place was crawling with cops.  Not because of the sting operation; because it was at a donut shop.

“Snooki’s Booki”

http://books.usatoday.com/bookbuzz/post/2011/07/jersey-shore-party-girl-snooki-to-publish-second-book-in-2012/176767/1

Jersey Shore’s Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi is writing her second book, to be titled Gorilla Beach.  It’s about the time she forgot to shave her legs.

The book will be a novel, rather than a memoir, about romance on the shore.  Snooki’s had too many blackouts to remember any of her many, many sexual trysts.

Snooki is proud of her status as an author, but would be less so if she realized that there were other books in the world besides hers.

“Bear Facts”

http://ph.news.yahoo.com/black-bears-sighted-near-jersey-shore-204540545.html

Police reported that black bears that commonly roam New Jersey’s western hills appeared to have wandered and have been sighted along the Jersey Shore.  Either that or Snooki forgot to shave her back.

It could have been worse.  It could have been Snooki, bare.

The bears have been migrating due to a shrinking habitat.  They bears are adapting to their new surroundings by drinking and working on their tans.

Experts have said that the bears wandered to the Shore looking for either food or a reality show spin-off.

“Snooki’s Bookie”

http://www.usatoday.com/life/people/2011-01-04-snooki04_CV_N.htm

Jersey Shore star Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi has written her first book, a novel entitled, A Shore Thing. She’s the first author to ever write a book without ever having read one.

The book is like Snooki: a lot of paint on the cover but very little inside but blank space.

The book does not feature a lot of Snooki’s trademark cursing, because she didn’t know how to spell the swear words.

“Bullyish Economics” or “Jerks in Jersey”

http://www.usatoday.com/news/nation/2010-11-19-new-jersey-bully-bill_N.htm

New Jersey lawmakers have introduced an bill to offer counseling and create peer awareness to protect college students from bullying. If it passes, enforcement will cost taxpayers their daily lunch money – if they know what’s good for them.

Any legislator that doesn’t vote to approve the measure will be called a sissy and shoved into a locker.

The measure is meant to prohibit harassment based on sexual orientation, gender, race, or ethnicity. But, to preserve college tradition, jocks can still pick on nerds.

Though the bill is meant to protect against bullying based on race or ethnicity, it's still New Jersey, so people's tans are still fair game.

Also, even if all bullying is eliminated, members of college fraternities will still have the right to be a**holes.

“Scanning New Jersey”

http://travel.usatoday.com/flights/post/2010/11/new-jersey-full-body-scans/131296/1

New Jersey legislators are trying to block the use of full-body airport screening machines which they say invade privacy, like a “virtual strip-search.” The Jersey residents initially favored the machines, but thought that they were meant to give full body tans, not full body scans.