“Whine Glasses”

http://yourlife.usatoday.com/health/medical/story/0//special-tinted-glasses-may-stymie-migraines/47726166/1

A new study suggests that migraines may be prevented or reduced using precision-tinted glasses that block certain light patterns.  The idea came from a guy who got a headache when he stared at the sun.

The glasses were invented by a fan of the Rowdy Roddy Piper movie, “They Live.”

So glasses of this type may soon be seen everywhere.  That’s the good news.  The bad news is, Bono is going to have to get a new gimmick.

If wearing special glasses prevents patients from getting migraines, the only side effect will be that everyone will assume those patients to be nerds.

The study was validated by the fact that Elton John never gets migraines.

“Of Mice and Men”

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/ondeadline/post/2011/05/new-findings-refute-09-studies-linking-chronic-fatigue-to-mouse-virus/1

A study linking chronic fatigue syndrome to a mouse virus has been debunked by new research.  The new study says you can’t just say it’s a mouse virus just because your patients suddenly like cheese.

The original study was published in 2009, but it took a long time to disprove the results because the test subjects were being chased by cats.

Despite the disproval of the link between chronic fatigue and the mouse virus, all sick mice are still encouraged to get some rest.

The new results come from analysis of patients’ urine.  That urine was extracted from the wood chips at the bottom of their cage.

People suffering from chronic fatigue syndrome have been looking for treatments, but have grown tired of it.

There is still a theory, however, that mice suffering from chronic fatigue syndrome may have a human virus.

The original research came under fire after several chronic fatigue patients were seen taking cat naps.

“Second Rate Star in Second Place”

Last week, Kirstie Alley finished second to Hines Ward on "Dancing with The Stars".  As always, she celebrated her runner-up status with Duncan Hines.

“Clever Fox”

The Fox News program "Red Eye" has accused Jay Leno of stealing a joke from them.  So Leno is finally almost as funny as Fox News.

You almost can’t blame Jay.  I mean, Fox News is freakin’ hilarious.

Leno’s topper to the joke was to then report a news with an obvious right-leaning political spin.

“Worlds’ Series”

George Lucas denies that he's shot 50 episodes of a "Star Wars" TV series.  Said the animated show Star Wars: Clone Wars:  "Hey! I can hear you.  I'm standing right here."

Oddly, however, he does claim that he had always envisioned the original "Star Wars" to be followed 35 years later by 50 television episodes that were part of the same story.

“Camp Lohan”

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/entertainment/post/2011/05/linday-lohan-under-house-arrest/1

Lindsay Lohan turned herself in to jail and then went home to befin serving house arrest Thursday morning, for pleading no contest to stealing a $2500 necklace.  Lindsay has started to just refer to house arrest as “summer vacation.”

Lindsay wants to still be able to pursue her interests and hobbies while confined to her home, so she plans to regularly burglarize her own house.

"Alaska or Bus"

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/onpolitics/post/2011/05/sarah-palin-bus-tour-one-nation-/1

Sarah Palin is launching a bus tour amid speculation that she may run for president.  The tour may prove that Palin really is qualified for the job that may be her ultimate goal: bus driver.

Obviously, it's a short bus tour.

"Making Money"

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/ondeadline/post/2011/05/atm-tech-accused-of-swapping-200k-with-counterfeit-bills/1

An ATM technician has been arrested for allegedly replacing $200,000 in cash with counterfeit $20 bills.  He’s being held on $25,000 bail money.  He says he’d be glad to pay the bail – if they let him use cash.

He might be able to make bail.  Literally make it.

Some of the counterfeit money he put in the ATMs were just photocopies.  I don’t know which is harder: facing jail time, or trying to get a refund from Kinko’s.

“Kim & Kris”

Kim Kardashian got engaged to boyfriend of 6 months, Kris Humphries.  Most people recognize Humphries from the New Jersey Nets.  Most people recognize Kim from the fishnets.

The couple has a real shot at lasting happiness, especially since Kris meets the most important criteria: he spells his first name with a “K.”

Kin says she was shocked that her boyfriend proposed.  Fans were shocked that she had a white boyfriend.

Buckingham Phallus"

While at Buckingham Palace, President and Mrs. Obama are staying in the same suite where Prince William and Kate Middleton stayed on their wedding night.  Since being told that, all the Obamas can picture is two British people having quick, silent, awkward sex on their bed.

Still, that’s much better than being forced to stay in place that was the honeymoon suite for Price Charles and Camilla Parker-Bowles.  Ew.

“In the Pink”

The USDA has modified its guidelines regarding cooking pork to an internal temperature of 145 degrees, so pink-in-the-middle is now considered safe.  Since it’s cheaper than cooking, fast food chains are rushing to buy pink food coloring.

The pork industry has mixed feelings, since they now have to scramble to change their slogan, “The other white meat.”

Because pork can now be pink, the U.S. might finally legalize Canadian bacon.

“Electric Powerless”

http://www.usatoday.com/money/autos/2011-05-24-most-americans-refuse-electric-cars_n.htm

A USA Today/Gallup poll says that 6 out of 10 Americans say they won’t buy an electric car no matter how high gas prices go.  Economics experts say that’s not smart, especially since they admitted it right in front of Big Oil.

"Red Wing"

http://www.usatoday.com/news/religion/2011-05-24-Jewish-Lenin-Russia_N.htm

A new display in Russia’s State History Museum in Moscow offers letters that seem to prove that Bolshevik leader and founder Communist Party founder Vladimir Lenin was really Jewish.  This is a surprise to America’s younger generation, who only know Lenin as “one of the Beatles.” 

“Sexual Healing?”

Researchers at Rutgers University have taken the first ever images of the brain of someone who's masturbating.  Now they are seeking a subject for the next step in their research: taking images of the brain of a woman giving a bl**job.

Kutcher's Catch Can

The Wall Street Journal reports that Aston Kutcher's contract for Two and a half men is only for one year.  So it will still outlive Charlie Sheen.

“Tusk, Tusk” or “Jumbo Dung-o”

http://www.usatoday.com/news/offbeat/2011-05-12-czech-zoo-elephant-dung_n.htm

In the Czech Republic, the Prague Zoo has begun selling buckets of elephant dung to gardeners who want to use it as fertilizer.  Even if you’re happy with your purchase, compared to any other souvenir it looks like a piece of sh*t.

They are selling it by the kilogram.  So far, sales have been heavy.

If you ask the zoo director “How’s business?”  He’ll answer, “It stinks.”

The Accounting Department is thrilled with the idea.  The Sales Department is thrilled with the idea.  Not so thrilled: The Collections Department.

The Associated Press got the story first.  They said to the zookeeper, “Just give us the straight poop.”

“Into the Tiger’s Den” or "Tiger Beat"

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/ondeadline/post/2011/05/police-send-chopper-tranquilizer-guns-to-face-tiger-near-southampton-/1

British police shut down a highway, evacuated a golf course, and armed with tranquilizer guns, were helicoptered to a field where an adult tiger was reported to have been found, which turned out to by an oversized stuffed toy.  The police have since apprehended a boy named Christopher Robin for questioning.

The boy insists his stuffed bear planned the whole hoax with the tiger as a honey-making scheme.

The police were prepared for multiple scenarios going in.  For example, had the tiger been real, and had the tranquilizers not worked, the police were prepared to wish they carried real guns.

More upset than the police were the golfers, due to the obscure but strict rule that states that police evacuation due to a stuffed tiger means you have to take a stroke.

Is Kaczynski a Bit of a Pill? or "1982 Time Capsule"

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/ondeadline/post/2011/05/fbi-probing-possible-unabomber-link-to-1982-tylenol-poisonings-/1

The FBI is seeking a DNA sample from Unabomber Ted Kaczynski as part of an investigation into unsolved Tylenol poisoning cases from 1982.  Kaczynski refused the request to voluntarily provide the sample, but said he’d be willing to mail it to them.

Rather than help the FBI with the Tylenol cases, Kaczynski would rather be a headache to them.

“Throw the Book at Them” or “San Fran Ban”

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/greenhouse/post/2011/05/san-francisco-bans-yellow-pages-/1

San Francisco is banning the delivery of Yellow Pages unless they are requested by consumers.  The ban could hurt local businesses advertise in the books, the phone company who collects revenue from those ads, and most of all, little people who need the phone book to sit on at the table.

People who want to order a phone book can call, but good luck looking up the number.

The residential listings, or White Pages, will still be delivered to everyone.  This decision was immediately cited as racist.

The group happiest to see the phone books done away with?  Trees.

Opponents of the phone book reduction will probably quiet down as soon as they hear about the invention of the Internet.

“Win or Lose”

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/ondeadline/post/2011/05/lawmakers-rush-to-block-1m-lottery-winner-getting-food-stamps/1

Lawmakers in Michigan are trying to quickly pass a bill to remove lottery winners from public assistance program eligibility.  The bill was prompted by reports that a $2 million jackpot winner is still receiving food stamps.  What’s surprising is not that the instant millionaire shopped with food stamps.  It’s that he stayed in Michigan.

The man was seen buying groceries using a food stamps debit card, or as he refers to it, ‘playing his lucky numbers.’

The lottery winner was awarded a lump sum of about $1 million out of a $2 million jackpot, the remainder being paid in taxes.  No wonder he’s using food stamps.  These days, who can get by on only a million dollars?

Fortunately, food stamps are not allowed to be used to buy lottery tickets.  If they were, it could result in a endless loop of outrage.

Said a concerned citizen, “Food stamps were not intended for lottery winners.  Food stamps are for losers.”