“Putting Money Where Their Mouths Are”

http://now.msn.com/money/0510-fast-food-obesity-study.aspx

Washington University is offering $3,500 to participants in a 3-month obesity study, who have to be overweight and be willing to gain weight for the study. So far, the only people qualified for the study are all Americans.

As a bonus, they get to keep the money even if they die during the study.

Lots of volunteers are running to sign up.  Well, their walking and out of breath to sign up.

The study is being conducted by Washington University in St. Louis.  Who knew they were secretly owned by McDonald’s.

The researchers hope to learn more about the development of diabetes and cardiovascular problems.  Well, they’re gonna.

Similarly, when the same group wants to learn about guns, they’re just going to start shooting people.

The students conducting the study are majoring in irresponsibility.

When observers see an overweight person handed that easy $3500 , they are going to say, “Now that is a fat wad.”

"Wendy's Wins"

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/46784487/ns/business-stocks_and_economy/

A food industry research firm reports that Wendy’s has overtaken Burger King as the 2^nd biggest hamburger chain in U.S. sales, behind leader McDonald’s.  As a result, Wendy is already demanding to be called “Your Highness.”

Burger King likes to say they sell the best burger, but that is a Whopper.

Needless to say, the Executives at Burger King are broiling.

Now, if Wendy’s slips back, the mood there is expected to be Frosty.

McDonald's is still number 1, despite the fact that for years, the Hamburglar has been robbing them blind.

All three burger chains are trying to not only kill their competition, but to kill all of America. 

“Speeding Fast Food”

http://www.usatoday.com/money/industries/food/story/2012-01-12/burger-king-delivery/52604104/1?csp=hf

Burger King is testing home delivery of its food.  Because there’s nothing quite as delicious as a flame-broiled hamburger that you re-heat in the microwave, yourself.

Home delivery could be a big success for Burger King, as long as they are smart enough to rule out deliveries by their creepy, silent King mascot.

Americans have gotten so lazy, we don’t even want to go out of the house to pick up the greasy fast food that’s killing us.

McDonald’s recently tried a similar plan, but their delivery vehicles kept getting car-jacked by the Hamburglar.

“Healthy Happy Meals”

http://www.usatoday.com/money/industries/food/2011-07-26-McDonalds-apples-happy-meal_n.htm

McDonald’s is launching a change to their Happy Meals for kids: apple slices in every box.  It’s part of their new initiative to send more traffic to Burger King.

The most difficult part of the transition for McDonald’s is the training to keep their employees from instinctively deep-frying the apple slices.

Kids seemed genuinely excited about apple-filled Happy Meals, but that’s because, when they heard the word Apple, they thought their Happy Meals came with Apple gift cards for iTunes. 

“Ronald McRemodeled” or “Quarter Pound of Hammers”

http://www.usatoday.com/money/industries/food/2011-05-06-mcdonalds-revamp_n.htm?csp=hf

McDonald’s restaurants are undertaking major remodeling inside and outside to update its image and create a more upscale atmosphere.  You’ll still recognize it as a McDonald’s however, by all the fat customers and noisy kids.

To make sure the new roofs are sturdy, they will be made out of old McRib patties.

To make the restaurants feel more upscale, there will be a velvet rope dividing the dining room from the McDonaldland play area’s jungle gym.

Though the exteriors are undergoing a major re-design, including the replacement of the golden arches with a single golden half-arch, they intend to keep it familiar-looking, since many of their customers can’t read.

McDonald’s is trying to find the balance between giving customers a more upscale experience, while still having it feel like the beloved McDonald’s brand.  For example, they now brew premium quality, flavored coffees, served deep-fried.

The home of the Big Mac will have a new construction model, with nicer flooring, higher ceilings, and a thick,  extra piece of bread in the middle.