“Fat Chance”

http://www.usatoday.com/news/nation/story/2012/09/21/sugary-drinks-may-magnify-the-genetic-risk-of-obesity/57821200/1

Harvard researchers say that people who are genetically predisposed to obesity are more likely to become obese if they drink a lot of sugary beverages.  Their conclusions are based on studying 32 genes, gathering ancestry data and testing thousands of grouped subjects.  But they could have gotten the same results just from looking at people.

“Weight of their Words”

http://www.usatoday.com/news/health/story/2012-06-26/obesity-screening/55817686/1

The U.S. Preventative Services Task Force is calling on doctors to be the “gateway” for obese patients seeking to lose weight, since medical professionals should know which diets and other methods are safe and effective.  The physicians are willing to act as gateways, the problem is that most of their patients no longer fit through a standard size gate.

One thing that’s hurting patients’ confidence in informed medical opinions:  fat doctors.

“Putting Money Where Their Mouths Are”

http://now.msn.com/money/0510-fast-food-obesity-study.aspx

Washington University is offering $3,500 to participants in a 3-month obesity study, who have to be overweight and be willing to gain weight for the study. So far, the only people qualified for the study are all Americans.

As a bonus, they get to keep the money even if they die during the study.

Lots of volunteers are running to sign up.  Well, their walking and out of breath to sign up.

The study is being conducted by Washington University in St. Louis.  Who knew they were secretly owned by McDonald’s.

The researchers hope to learn more about the development of diabetes and cardiovascular problems.  Well, they’re gonna.

Similarly, when the same group wants to learn about guns, they’re just going to start shooting people.

The students conducting the study are majoring in irresponsibility.

When observers see an overweight person handed that easy $3500 , they are going to say, “Now that is a fat wad.”

“Round Numbers”

http://yourlife.usatoday.com/fitness-food/diet-nutrition/story/2012-01-17/Obesity-epidemic-in-USA-shows-signs-of-leveling-off/52613442/1

According to the National Center for Health Statistics, the steady rise in the obesity rate in the U.S., seems to have leveled off at 35.5%.  Now that we seemed to have reached the top of the hill, we’re rotund enough to roll down it.

It isn’t that Americans aren’t continuing to become obese, but the ones who have been obese are finally dying at the same rate.

“Healthy Happy Meals”

http://www.usatoday.com/money/industries/food/2011-07-26-McDonalds-apples-happy-meal_n.htm

McDonald’s is launching a change to their Happy Meals for kids: apple slices in every box.  It’s part of their new initiative to send more traffic to Burger King.

The most difficult part of the transition for McDonald’s is the training to keep their employees from instinctively deep-frying the apple slices.

Kids seemed genuinely excited about apple-filled Happy Meals, but that’s because, when they heard the word Apple, they thought their Happy Meals came with Apple gift cards for iTunes. 

“Chipping Away at your Health”

http://yourlife.usatoday.com/fitness-food/diet-nutrition/story/2011/06/Potato-chips-worst-culprit-for-weight-gain/48785290/1

A new Harvard University study says that potato chips are the biggest single food item contributing to American consumers’ weight gain.  This is a huge relief to the nation’s makers of pot brownies.

Potato chip makers are quickly trying to bury the news, deep inside a big tub of creamy onion dip.

Upon hearing the news, most Americans promised themselves it was time to try a whole new bag.

There’s a reason people sitting around watching TV and snacking all day are not called “couch celery stalks.”

There is a chance Americans will cut down on potato chips.  A fat chance.

“Teen Pop”

http://yourlife.usatoday.com/fitness-food/diet-nutrition/story/2011/06/CDC-1-in-4-high-schoolers-drink-soda-every-day/48496744/1

A national survey on sweetened beverages found that 1 out of 4 high school students drink at least 1 soda each day.  The rest are drinking beer.

The survey included 11,000 teens nationwide. They would have liked to haves urveyed a much larger group, but the rest of American teens no longer answer any question that doesn’t come as a text message.

Fortunately, not all sodas purchased by teens are being drunk by them.  Sometimes they just dump the soda out of the can or bottle to make a bong out of it.

Not all high school students drink soda for the sugar or the caffeine.  Sometimes they just need something to mix with their Jack Daniels.

Some high school students are trying to cut down on the sugar and caffeine they get from sodas.  And their answer to the problem is a Starbucks triple-shot mocha-caramel frappucino.

"Heavy Losses"

http://www.usatoday.com/yourlife/health/medical/2011-02-03-MetabolicONLINE03_ST_N.htm

A study from the National institute of Health Research in France says that obesity can damage cognitive functions, and may cause problems such as memory loss. For example, obese people forget to stop eating.

In a related story, Rush Limbaugh read this study but doesn’t remember it at all.