Showing posts with label Mitt Romney. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Mitt Romney. Show all posts

Wednesday, May 30, 2012

"Spell Check”



Mitt Romney’s iPad app had an embarrassing misspelling, promising a “A better Amercia,” reversing the c and i.  Dick Cheney is sticking up for his fellow Republican, noting than when he was in power, he was l slowly turning all of America into the CIA.

Romney tried to diffuse the mistake by saying that, if elected, he’ll place more emphasis on educashuns.

Mitt thinks that statistics will help his case.  His new website says he’s even running for President of the United Stats of America.

Critics are asking why Romney didn’t have someone proofread the text, but as Republicans have said since Gitmo and the Patriot Act, you don’t need proof.

Meanwhile, Romney’s poll numbers have sharply increased in the small island nation of Amercia.

It was surprising that Mitt didn’t have auto-correct, especially since he claims to have saved the entire auto industry.

Romney admits that he misspelled America, but he won’t admit that he is misreading it.
The corrected app now promising that Mitt will build a better United Stakes.

Wednesday, May 2, 2012

“Newt’s News”



Newt Gingrich formally suspended his presidential campaign today, making way for Mitt Romney’s GOP nomination.  Gingrich did not formally endorse Romney, but he’ll show support his own way.  He’ll have an affair with Romney, and then leave his current wife for him.

For the last several weeks, Gingrich has been fighting a losing battle, but wasn’t willing to give up.  It’s the exact opposite strategy he has been using regarding his weight.

Friday, February 24, 2012

The Lap Dance, White House, NASCAR, Robbery, Pope, Robbery and Twitter Review


A scandal erupted this week for Gerardo Hernandez, a mayoral candidate in Sunland Park, New Mexico who was secretly video-taped receiving a lap-dance from a topless woman in his office.  Hernandez would have told the woman to stop and get dressed, but he didn’t want to be involved in a cover-up.

Hernandez has not dropped out of the race, but has lost at least one vote – his wife’s.



The White House defended President Obama’s apology to Afghan President Hamid Karzi in the wake of two American troops who were killed in what is believed to be retaliation for the burning of copies of the Quran.   Obama hopes Afghanistan will apologize for the murder of the two Americans so we can call it even.

If Afghanistan doesn’t accept Obama’s apology, he wants to ask how many more American troops they would like to kill until they forgive us.



 NASCAR driver Danica Patrick’s race in the Sprint Cup ended abruptly, with a violent collision in the final lap of the qualifying race.  Luckily she wasn’t injured, and as a bonus, she’s been offered an endorsement deal from CrashDaddy.com.

Up until the collision, Danica had been doing well.  NASCAR experts theorize that she probably started fixing her hair and make-up in the rearview mirror, or calling her girlfriends on her cell phone.



Campaigning in Michigan, Mitt Romney said Friday that “Detroit should not just be the Motor City of America… (but) of the world.”  Mitt was talking about his love of cars all week, so it seems he is putting his Motor where his mouth is.

He also criticized government fuel efficiency standards as having put too great a burden on the auto industry.  Apparently, he forgot that most American voters are also drivers who have to pay for their own gas.



In Spain, 4 thieves who robbed a warehouse vault on Thursday crashed their getaway car into another vehicle, carjacked another car to escape, but forgot their loot in the back seat of the abandoned car.  To avoid this problem next time, they are riding bikes.
Even though the loot was left in bags inside the car, it’s okay because the loot did not include milk or any other perishable items.
The driver is especially worried because he doesn’t think his insurance covers botched heists.
Since they lost their own automobile, which is now is police possession, the first plan they made for their next job was to arrange for a car rental.


Pope Benedict XVI has begun posting daily tweets for the Catholic repentance period of Lent.  That ought to get the young people of the Internet.

His tweets pose the question, “What would Jesus say – in 140 characters or less.”

The Vatican hopes the tweets will reach everyone who didn’t give up Twitter for Lent.

The Pope carries around 3 tablets.  One’s an iPad, and the other 2 just have the Ten Commandments on them.

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Valentines, China, and Spoken Word Grammy


For the first time, The Empire State Building hosted same sex weddings for Valentine’s Day, including 2 women.  Onlookers were surprised to see the female couple atop such a tall and iconic erection.



Vice President Biden met with China’s Vice President Xi Jinping at the White House today.  Jinping is the next likely leader of China, so it made sense for Biden to meet him, so Jinping can get used to Americans kissing his ass.



Mitt Romney is campaigning hard in Michigan, the state where he was born, but where he now seems to be trailing in polls behind Rick Santorum.  Not helping Romney is his harsh criticism of the bailout of the automotive industry in Detroit, and his shunning of cars in general, preferring to travel by balloon on his own hot air.



At Sunday Night’s Grammy Awards, Betty White won the award for Best Spoken Word album, for her audio collection of humorous anecdotes If You Ask Me (and of Course You Won’t).  Betty celebrated her win like many Grammy winners, with drugs and hookers in her limo.

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

“Poor Mitt”


In a brief sound bite this week, Mitt Romney was quoted as saying that he is “not concerned about the very poor” in America.  Romney defended the quote, saying he thought the poor were a myth, like
fairies and ghosts.

Mitt believes in the Abominable Snowman, however, because he has personally met Newt Gingrich.

Romney clarified his statement that he need not be concerned about the poor because there is a safety net in place.  By that he means there is a protective net around the rich so the poor can’t get to them.

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

"The Dinner Party"


In a  poll where a research group asked people which Republican presidential candidate they would most want to have dinner with, the winner was Herman Cain, with 29%.  That’s mainly because they assumed Cain can get free all-you-can-eat pizza anytime he wants.

Cain was the most popular choice among Republicans just because most of them have never had dinner with a black man before.

They chose Cain just so they could say “Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner?”

The biggest difference in the dine-with-a-candidate philosophy was this: Republicans would write off the dinner on their taxes as a business expense, while Democrats think the government should just pay for it.