“Newt’s News”

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/onpolitics/post/2012/05/newt-gingrich-withdraw-impact-mitt-romney-rick-santorum/1#.T6G5cbM192D

Newt Gingrich formally suspended his presidential campaign today, making way for Mitt Romney’s GOP nomination.  Gingrich did not formally endorse Romney, but he’ll show support his own way.  He’ll have an affair with Romney, and then leave his current wife for him.

For the last several weeks, Gingrich has been fighting a losing battle, but wasn’t willing to give up.  It’s the exact opposite strategy he has been using regarding his weight.

"Marines, Republicans, a Rhino, and the FBI

http://usnews.msnbc.msn.com/_news/2012/02/09/10364262-marines-posed-with-flag-resembling-nazi-ss-logo-in-afghanistan

The Marine Corps  confirmed that in a photograph that appeared on the Internet, one of their Afghanistan sniper teams posed in front of a flag resembling the SS of Nazi Germany.  Noting that everything must be taken in context, at the time, those Marines were trying to impress Dick Cheney.

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/onpolitics/post/2012/02/rick-santorum-gallup-tracking-poll-mitt-romney-/1

Republican presidential hopeful Rick Santorum has surged way ahead of Newt Gingrich, thanks to winning 3 primary elections this week in Colorado, Minnesota, and Missouri.  Though, no matter how far ahead Santorum may be, you can always still see Newt behind him just because of his massive girth.

http://worldnews.msnbc.msn.com/_news/2012/02/09/10364240-rhino-dies-in-anti-poaching-demo-by-

conservationists

In a conservation group’s anti-poaching demonstration gone wrong, a rhinoceros died in South Africa, when a tranquilizer used to sedate the animal killed it instead.  Trying to save face, the organization changed their message, warning to rhinos to just say “no” to drugs.

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/ondeadline/post/2012/02/fbi-releases-file-on-apples-steve-jobs/1

Today the FBI released the file they had on Steve Jobs, from 1991, when then President H. W. Bush was considering his as a US Export Council appointee.  Though the file is now public, you can’t read it because their PC’s crashed.

The FBI also has a file on Bill Gates.  It costs about half as much to get, but it sucks.

Quickie Post

http://msn.foxsports.com/nfl/story/Federal-authorities-seize-nearly-fake-Super-Bowl-goods-020212

U.S. Customs and other officials seized almst $5 million in unauthorized Superbowl merchandise from Indianapolis area flea markets and street venders following an investigation called Operation Fake Sweep.  Make sure to get all your Operation Fake Sweep hats, t-shirts, and other cool gear before they sell out.

http://specials.msn.com/a-list/news/newt-gingrich-brad-pitt-psp

Newt Gingrich said that if they ever make a movie about this year’s presidential race, he’d like to be played by Brad Pitt.  Apparently Gingrich thinks that rich and fat equals Money Ball.

Pitt is ready to screen test as Gingrich: “The first rule of the open marriage is you don’t talk about the open marriage.”

http://animaltracks.today.msnbc.msn.com/_news/2012/02/02/10297954-more-winter-the-groundhog-says

Punxsutawney Phil, the famous groundhog, saw his shadow today, predicting 6 more weeks of winter.  Phil is hailed as a prognosticator of seasonal change, an like most weather-men, right after his public prediction, his handlers had to return him to his cage before he bit or pooped on someone.

“Moon U-Newt”

Newt Gingrich said this week that as president, he would place a permanent American base on the moon by the end of his second term.  Possibly, that’s all he expects to be left of America by then.

Of course, the new moon base would be a conservative base.

Newt wants voters to associate him with the moon, which is easy.  Both are big, round, white, dense, and have little gravity so nothing sticks to them for long.

Many people in the business world like the idea of building on the moon, because it doesn’t have the environmental compliance restrictions we have here on Earth.

“Rick’s Retreat”

http://www.usatoday.com/news/politics/story/2012-01-19/perry-republican-race/52677368/1

Rick Perry ended his presidential campaign Thursday, just 2 days shy of the South Carolina primary.  Apparently, he thought that was the last one.

Perry is looking forward to going back to Texas to tend to the matters of his office as governor. Especially, picking up syringes to personally vaccinate all Texas teen girls.

Perry quickly gave his endorsement to Newt Gingrich, pointing out that even while he was running, he planned to vote for Gingrich.

Perry said Gingrich wouldn’t be afraid to tell Washington interests to take a hike.  He’s right.  A pay hike.

Gingrich said he was humbled by Perry’s endorsement.  That marks the first time Gingrich’s name has

ever appeared in the same sentence as the word ‘humble.’

Perry decided on Gingrich because, with all his womanizing, he seems the least likely to be gay.

As the governor of Texas, Perry’s one regret is that you can’t kill a campaign by lethal injection or electric chair.

“Threesome, Tiresome”

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/onpolitics/post/2012/01/newt-gingrich-ex-wife-interview-/1

Newt Gingrich’s ex-wife Marianne, said  that her then husband had asked her if they could have an “open marriage,” so he could see another woman, who later became his 3^rd wife.  Speculating how this might play into politics, critics say that a President Gingrich might want to be become the prime minister of Canada at the same time.

Gingrich supports say his ex-wife’s account just proves that Newt is able to adapt to changing times and lay plans for the future.

The former Mrs. Gingrich said this all went on while Newt publicly criticized then President Clinton’s family values in the midst of his sex scandal.  When Clinton heard about this overlap, he immediately found Newt and high-fived him.

“Cry of Newt”

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/onpolitics/post/2011/12/newt-gingrich-cries-mother/1

At a Des Moines coffee house, Newt Gingrich broke into tears when talking about his mother to a group called CafeMoms.  It’s understandable.  After all, she’s the woman who named her own son “Newt.”