Scientists have revealed a type of horned dung beetle to be the world’s strongest insect, able to pull over 1100 times its own weight. Apparently, the beetle was bitten by a radioactive spider and gained its proportional strength.
To prove that the beetle could move a large-sized piece of dung, they had it lift Spencer Pratt.
Three suspects were arrested in
There were no witnesses to the robbery. Actually, there were plenty of other people around, but they were all either staring at a wall or their hand.
Dispensary customers say this is the worst marijuana-related crime they know of since, quote, “that one dude bogarted that roach we had.”
Scientists have decoded DNA from a 30-50,000 year-old human species that seems not to be related to modern humans or Neanderthals. These ancient peoples’ closest living relative is their uncle, Larry King.
According to genetic evidence, the biggest difference between these humans and modern man it that their thumbs weren’t evolved for text-messaging, dooming them to extinction.
In
Military police could trade in their nightstick for a pepper mill.
The ghost chili is known to be more than 100 times more potent than a jalapeño. This means a pepper grenade could take out a roomful of enemy combatants, or season a huge bucket of hot wings.
Weapons experts agree that this will definitely spice up traditional warfare.
There may some legal confusion, though, over the fact that if you attack someone with a pepper, the charge would be a-salt.
President Obama signed his landmark health care bill today, which will add sweeping changes to
When Vice President Joe Biden introduced the president to the podium at the signing, he whispered to Obama, “This is a big f***ing deal.” Political rivals called Biden’s language sickening. But now, those sickened can get health insurance.
A federal judge ruled Tuesday that a
Rosie O’Donnell is planning a new daytime talk show for next year. With Oprah Winfrey ending her long-running show, the only other thing Rosie needs to be seen on television again is for more people to buy those wide-screen TVs.
On Sunday, The Vatican strongly rejected the idea that celibacy required for priests has any connection to the Church’s sex abuse scandal. Hurting their credibility, however, was the fact that the
Park Avenue Bank’s former president, Charles Antonucci, has been charged with fraud and embezzlement for shuffling funds to appear viable enough to receive a government bailout. In jail, Antonucci will learn what it means to really need to be bailed out.
The bank took $11.2 million in government bailout funds from the Troubled Asset Relief Program. Their defense is that $11.2 million is small, compared to the amount of money they pretended to have.
This outraged those who realize that the millions in hard-earned tax-payer dollars Antonucci took really belong in the pocket of other, poorly managed multi-million-dollar businesses.
Steven Marshall, an executive producer for the 1980’s sitcom Growing Pains, was convicted of distributing child pornography and sentenced to 7 ½ years in prison. While there, his anus will have its own growing pains.
This news changes the long held opinion that Kirk Cameron was the most disturbed person on that show.
Dan Glickman is stepping down as the chairman of the Motion Picture Association of America. He cites
A NASA science team looking for animal life beneath 600 feet of Antarctic sheet ice found a shrimp-like amphipod . Though some think it may have coincidentally traveled to that exact spot, others are sure someone close must have ordered sea monkeys.
The NASA team’s discovery prompted one important question: What the hell does this have to do with Space?
The government said Thursday that highway traffic fatalities have dropped to the lowest level since 1954, thanks to drunk driving laws, seatbelt and airbag use, and mostly, people jumping out of the way of Toyotas.
The ACLU is suing a
School officials were shocked to learn that the girl was a lesbian, because in Mississippi, everyone still has a mullett.
A federal appeals court ruled that the phrases “Under God” and “In God We Trust” in the pledge of allegiance and on
Regarding the stamping of phrases on money, however, another lawsuit has been filed, by a Mr. Pluribus Unum, first initial, E.
President Obama donated the $1.4 million he received for winning the Nobel Peace Prize to charity. He decided that the money should go to those less fortunate, like the banks, Wall Street, and auto industry.
Obama wants his winnings to benefit the needs of those who desperately need help and funding just to survive. Like the Democratic Party.
Forbes magazine named its 2010 “world’s richest people” this week, and beating out Bill Gates to top the list this year is
Meanwhile, Oprah Winfrey just keeps quietly pulling the strings...
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Conan O’Brien randomly chose rural
Conan warned Sarah in his Twitter post, “Your life is about to change.” David Letterman has used the same line, but only on his female staff members he was trying to sleep with.
Well, the sex change isn't really free, exactly. for starters, they make you live in
It is hoped that though
In a related story,
Actor Corey Haim, who starred in Lucas and other teen movies of the ‘80’s, died at the age of 38. Not the cause of death: Leukoplakia.
Corey was probably best known for having been in the movie The Lost Boys. Then he became one.
Haim will be missed most by his adoring fan club, better known as Corey Feldman.
Lindsay Lohan is suing E-Trade for defamation over their talking-baby Super-bowl commercial featuring a baby named “Lindsay,” said in the ad to be a “milkoholic.” Lohan wants E-Trade to change the ad so the baby is an alcoholic.
Lindsay is suing for $100 million, and wants full payment in the form of drugs and liquor.
Lohan further claims the commercial paints her in a negative light since the baby isn’t a lesbian.
In E-Trade’s defense, the baby they hired to play Lindsay was late to set and trashed her hotel room.
Though stories of Lindsay Lohan’s substance abuse, stints in rehab, and troubles with the law have become tabloid staples over the past few years, some may remember that she used to be an actress.
A man accused of stalking Ryan Seacrest pleaded no contest to felony charges in a
Relieved to hear the outcome of the case, Seacrest said, ‘THIS… is AmERican Justice.”
Ryan is just happy that the ordeal is over. Happy and gay.
David letterman’s alleged blackmailer Robert “Joe” Halderman admitted in a plea deal that he sought money and tried to damage David Letterman’s career behind closed doors. It’s what is now known among late-night TV talk show hosts as The Leno Maneuver.
As the blackmailer copped a plea, somewhere Letterman copped a feel.
A passenger on a Carnival cruise was thrown in the brig and charged once back in
The federal government says that the volume of sexual harassment claims from men are on the rise. Perpetrators of the harassment insist that’s not the only thing on the rise.
-Yeah, you know you love it.
The number of men claiming harassment has doubled over the last 20 years, according to government figures. And the way they are showing off their figures, you just know they want the attention.
Bosses accused of harassment admit that their behavior was inappropriate and sleazy, and what they really deserve is a good spanking.
Some of male complaints, however, were that there was not enough sexual harassment in the workplace.
Ooh, yeah, you like that joke, don't you? You are a baad boy... You pretend, "Don't make that joke." "Stop." "Don't - Stop!" "...Don't stop!" ...so I won't.
A Swedish pilot was removed from an
Oddly, the passengers felt less safe once there was no pilot to fly the plane.
Luckliy, the airline had a replacement pilot, passenger Ted Striker.
The “pilot” had logged 10,000 hours of flying over 13 years, but officials became suspicious of his credentials because he was never stuck-up or drunk.
Before being removed from the plane, the pilot said over the P.A. system:
“Attention passengers. This is the captain speaking. Welcome aboard. Before we take off, take a look out your window on either side of the plane, so you won’t see me arrested, hand-cuffed, and carted off to jail. Enjoy your flight.”
The pilot may face a fine of thousands of dollars, or 90 trillion sky-miles.
President Obama signed a bill into law to create the non-profit Corporation for Travel promotion, to promote
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The American Cancer Society is no longer encouraging annual rectal exams for prostate cancer screenings, which have proven beneficial. The way they are discouraging it is by telling doctors that if they perform the exam, it means they’re gay.
The theory was based on assumptions about annual rectal screenings, but they have since been able to poke a hole in it.
Without the ACS’s support, this means that the prostate exam, as it has been known the last several years, is going back to its original name, ‘the reach-around.’
This also means that patients who have been cooperative about getting a prostate exam will no longer by backing it up.
Starbucks is introducing a new size for iced coffee and tea drinks, larger than the Venti. When serving the new Trenta, baristas will just dump a barrel of your iced beverage over your head.
If you order the Trenta intending to sit and drink it inside a Starbucks, you have to pay a surcharge to use their bathroom.
Instead of cutting prices to compete in this economy, Starbucks has closed convenient locations and now has a drink so large it is unwieldy. On a role, their next plan is to invent a louder cappuccino machine.
The price of the Trenta is your first born child, plus tax.
The Israel Defense Force had to call off a
A similar situation arose recently, inadvertently alerting a terrorist cell to remove all their secret munitions from Farmville.
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Said Sigmund Freud, "Jah, the stabbing was clearly the result of a childhood trauma. You see, the weapon was obviously symbolic of the penis… and in this case, the psychiatrist is the actual penis.”
The psychiatrist claims it was an accident, saying the knife just made a Freudian slip.
President Obama’s health coverage summit took place today, and was televised, live, for 7 straight hours. Now, that’s some healthy coverage.
Though little in the way of bipartisanship was achieved, both Democrats and Republicans accomplishing one major goals: getting lots of face-time on TV.
In the wake of the Sea World tragedy this week, PETA is calling for all whales and dolphins to be set free from all aquariums and water parks, to live in the open waters of the wild. This marks the first PETA is in complete agreement with poachers.
Dick Cheney was taken to the hospital early in the week for having had a mild heart attack following complaints of chest pains. Or as he refers it, ‘Monday.’
Cheney’s heart was described as small, shriveled and dark, but for him that’s normal.
Cheney is expected to be released and be back to his secret, scary work in no time.
A man from
Doctors in
The man wants the title and to be entered into the Guinness Book of World Records, but even more than that he says, “I wants me pot of gold.”
Even if he gets the official world record and fame that goes with it, he will likely return to his regular job, working in Santa’s workshop.
Maybe you never knew about this man from
A rare copy of the first Superman comic book was sold at auction for $1 million. The buyer wished to remain anonymous, but is described as a mild-mannered reporter for a great metropolitan newspaper.
The selling price for the classic 1938 book shatters the previous record for a comic, which was a shock to the buyer once he saw the price on the cover says 10 cents.
The comic book will seem familiar to fans of the movie Superman Returns in one way. It’s the exact same weight as Kate Bosworth.
One interesting note is how the art may be interpreted differently through time. To comic readers of 1938, Superman appears to be lifting a car over his head. In 2010, he is obviously catching a run-away
Tiger Woods issued a public apology for his infidelities on Friday, asking his fans to find room in their hearts to believe in him again. He also asks that they find rooms in hotels for him to get it on.
Woods addressed rumors that his wife Elin hit him on the night he left home and crashed his Escalade. He insisted that his wife has never hit him. Ever. No once. Yet.
Tiger took the blame, praised his wife, and sounded sincere. He hopes that somehow all of this will, over time, get him laid.
-With his wife or not; doesn’t matter.
Pope Benedict XVI confirmed sainthood on Mother Mary MacKillop, making her
Mother Mary will become the matron saint of all things Australian. This means any Catholic in need can pray to her whenever they are lost on a walkabout, are threatened with a boomerang, or see a bad Nicole Kidman movie.
Ronald Howes, Sr., inventor of the Easy Bake Oven, died this week at the age of 83. His remains will be cremated using a single light bulb.
A Department of Homeland Security report revealed that between 2005 and 2008, department officers lost 289 firearms. Disturbingly, 15 wound up in the hands of crime suspects. Even more disturbingly, the rest wound up in the hands of a drunk Rip Torn.
Former President George W. Bush, who helped create the department following 9/11, was disappointed to hear that so many weapons were lost. Especially since now those guns will never be used to kill anybody.
When Dick Cheney attended a Conservative Political Action Committee meeting with his daughter Liz, the crowd chanted “Run Cheney, Run” referring to a 2012 presidential bid. Cheney waved them off and pretended not to have secretly held the job for 8 years.
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Students became suspicious when they started getting homework assignments like “Go home and walk around the house naked.”
It doesn’t look good for the teachers that grades were no longer based on students’ test scores, but on how hot they are.
The Wildlife Conservation Society reports that the world’s wild tiger population has dropped to an all-time low. In the
The biggest threats to tigers are deforestation, hunting by poachers, and most of all, cheating on their wives.
Experts say that tigers’ best chance of survival now is to promote Frosted Flakes.
Transportation officials may begin new airport security screening including swabbing air passengers' hands to detect explosives or chemical residues. The hand-swabbing is faster than proposed body scanners, and less invasive than random wet-willies.
Terrorists may be forced to hide their activities by extreme measures they have never attempted before, such as washing their hands.
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The funeral director wants to try to make it up to the cremated person’s next of kin, but he’s already been burned once.
Setting the fire to the wrong body may yet lead to even more firings.
The funeral home didn’t admit the mistake at first, due to a “Don’t Ash, Don’t Tell” policy.
Singer Chynna Phillips has entered rehab treatment for anxiety. The anxiety was over her father John Phillips somehow being more sexually attracted to her sister Mackenzie.
Film director Kevin Smith says he was told he was too fat to fly on Southwest Airlines this week, Twittering about the incident until Southwest apologized and put him on a later flight. They then removed every other passenger from the plane so it could take off with Smith aboard.
Southwest’s apology also came with a $100 voucher to Smith for a future flight, which could be considered a fat reward.
Sarah Palin lashed out at the Fox network’s show Family Guy, in which a character with Down syndrome said her mom was the former governor of
The
General Motors says that Tiger Woods, who appeared in ads for Buick until last year, didn’t sell many cars for them. In his defense, it’s hard to sell a car when you’re in the back seat having sex.
Rhode Island Congressman Patrick Kennedy says he will not seek another term in the House of Representatives at the next election. Unless he can get Sen. Scott Brown to legally adopt him.
Kennedy wants to move on to the other important work of his family legacy. He feels he has a lot of drinking and carousing to do.
Ben Quayle, son of former Vice President Dan Quayle, is getting into the political ring and running for Congress in
A new study says that obese children are more likely to face the threat of an early death. The study was conducted by the bullies threatening them.
An obese teen boy, for example, faces a shorter life from factors varying from heart disease and diabetes to dying of embarrassment when forced to take off his shirt to go swimming.
Obesity can also cause tension headaches and depression. Fortunately, television and fashion magazines feature skinny people, making teens feel bad enough about themselves to change.
Former President Bill Clinton had 2 heart stents put in Thursday after being taken to the hospital for chest pains.
Secretary of State Hillary Clinton was surprised by the rush to the hospital and surgical ordeal. She had no idea her husband even had a heart.
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The patient was very upset, saying, “How would he feel if the shoe was on the other foot?”
It just goes to prove that old adage, ‘[Two lefts don’t make a right.’
After getting no help in 2 later visits to the hospital, the patient finally had to put his foot down.
If a civil suit is filed, the case could limp along for years.
If the patient has to testify, he is ready to hop to it.
The patient had planned to sue, but doesn’t have a leg to stand on.
Owners of American companies’ cars seem more proud than ever. Not only do their cars stop, most of the time they won’t even start.
Gold-diggers who already cut the brake lines on their spouse’s new
In a PR spin, the company says
Scientists in
The new rice never needs to be cooked, according to raw data.
Research shows that if you put this rice in a watched pot, it will never boil.
Controversy erupted this week over McDonald’s new ‘McItaly’ burger, which Italian authorities say could have a negative impact on
McDonald’s new variation on its heat-lamp re-warmed burgers will now taste like fine, Italian leather.
Sarah Palin met with criticism for apparently writing notes on her hand for a speech at the Tea Party convention this past weekend. In her defense, Palin pointed out that the writing on her hand was just to help her remember “left” versus “right.”
A closer look at Palin’s hand revealed the hand-note was a message to the survivors of Oceanic flight 815. It said, “Not Penny’s boat.”
Gary Coleman pleaded guilty Monday to a misdemeanor charge of criminal mischief relating to a domestic violence case from last April. Coleman already served a short jail term.
Coleman was ordered to pay a $595 fine, but may be short… on cash.
In court, Coleman approached the bench, not to speak to the judge, but to climb on it so he could see.
Michael Jackson’s former physician, Dr. Conrad Murray pleaded not guilty to involuntary manslaughter Monday. Fans are still heartbroken, partly over Michael’s death, but mainly over The Jacksons Family Legacy reality show.
A 12-year-old
Had the girl used a permanent marker, she would have been executed.
The marker incident will go down on the student’s erasable record.
The school says that the arrest is less about an isolated incidence of graffiti, and more about persistent sloppy spelling.
The girl’s lawyer is trying to reduce charges to possession on a crayon.
The police think the smiley face the girl drew is a gang symbol.
The school claims the marker was a weapon. They quoted, “The pen is mightier than the sword.”
After her arrest and detention at the police station, the girl will no longer be marking desks at school. She’s moving up to courtyard tattoos.
Charlie Sheen had a Mercedes stolen from his home Friday, and the car was found overturned at the bottom of a nearby cliff shortly after. The Mercedes now claims that the whole thing was its own fault and it wants to reconcile with Charlie.
Charlie was upset about the vehicle’s theft and damage, nostalgic about all the chicks he used to bang in that thing.
Coutry music icon Kenny Rogers will be celebrating his career with a TV special scheduled to tape in April. Unfortunately, the special will focus on his music; not his chicken.
In an ironic twist, his classic song The Gambler will be re-written to tell the story of a man who kept going back for more plastic surgery.
A woman from the Andaman Islands in the
The movie Avatar surpassed Titanic this week to become the highest grossing movie of all time, with over $600 million in domestic ticket sales. James Cameron admits his secret, “Whether its Sam Worthington on the moon Pandora or Leonardo DiCaprio in the freezing Atlantic ocean: just turn your leading man blue.”
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On a flight out of
The flight was bound for
White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel apologized for using the word “retarded” to describe a liberal activist as campaign. Not wanting to offend anyone, Emanuel said, “I’m really f---ing sorry.”
Emanuel said he meant no offense, and that anyone who didn’t understand that “has to be a f---ing Mongoloid.”
