A new controversy faces the world of ladies’ golf, since it was revealed that the new winner of the Re/Max World Long Drive Championship, Lana Lawless, used to be a man. In fact, she was a SWAT policeman, but has long since retired her nightstick.
On the plus side, she’s probably the only professional athlete who you never need to worry about testing for steroids.
Out on the course, Lawless prefers to use an iron club, but when she needs it, she still knows how to use the wood.
The only thing affected by her sex change was her long game.
Even if you looked at every male-born golfer in the world, it isn’t often that you see a hole in one.
It doesn’t matter if she was born male or female when you see her at the driving range, after she hits, all you’ll know is that her balls are long gone.
Now, the only difference between Lana and other female athletes is that she likes men.
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
Save Ferris
In Singapore, 173 people became trapped when the world’s largest ferris wheel stopped working. Workers tried to fix it for hours, but they were just going in circles.
The ferris wheel is named the Flyer and resembles a giant bicycle wheel. Repairmen determined that a short circuit was caused when someone tried to put a baseball card in the spokes.
The Flyer ferris wheel was an attempt by Singapore to drive tourism. It worked. It’s driving it to Japan.
Singapore’s finest engineers are now designing the world’s scariest theme park roller-coaster that doesn’t work.
Passengers were given food and water while they waited, giving them the chance to fully appreciate the ferris wheel’s 541 foot height, the gorgeous views outside the box-car sized capsules, and especially the fact that it has no bathroom.
The ferris wheel is named the Flyer and resembles a giant bicycle wheel. Repairmen determined that a short circuit was caused when someone tried to put a baseball card in the spokes.
The Flyer ferris wheel was an attempt by Singapore to drive tourism. It worked. It’s driving it to Japan.
Singapore’s finest engineers are now designing the world’s scariest theme park roller-coaster that doesn’t work.
Passengers were given food and water while they waited, giving them the chance to fully appreciate the ferris wheel’s 541 foot height, the gorgeous views outside the box-car sized capsules, and especially the fact that it has no bathroom.
Monday, December 22, 2008
Snow Blower
In Anchorage, Alaska, Snowzilla, the famous 16-foot-plus snowman standing since 2005, had to be brought down due to a city abatement order, citing the structure as a public nuisance and safety hazard. Snowzilla is to be executed by electricity. Specifically: hair-dryer.
An investigation of Snowzilla has already resulted in all of his assets being frozen.
An earlier attempt to bring down Snowzilla included a citation for having a corn-cob pipe in a non-smoking zone.
Snowzilla was already controversial in terms of the law, since he wore no clothes besides a scarf and hat.
Witnesses who were on hand to see the demolition of the 16-feet giant said that close-by, they could actually see a snow angel.
The argument could be made that the giant snowman was scary, intimidating, and interfered with the rights of travelers and passersby. And, as is well known government doesn’t like competition.
Governor Sarah Palin gave no pardon to the popular snowman to stay his execution, probably due to the rumors of his 2012 Vice-Presidential campaign bid.
An investigation of Snowzilla has already resulted in all of his assets being frozen.
An earlier attempt to bring down Snowzilla included a citation for having a corn-cob pipe in a non-smoking zone.
Snowzilla was already controversial in terms of the law, since he wore no clothes besides a scarf and hat.
Witnesses who were on hand to see the demolition of the 16-feet giant said that close-by, they could actually see a snow angel.
The argument could be made that the giant snowman was scary, intimidating, and interfered with the rights of travelers and passersby. And, as is well known government doesn’t like competition.
Governor Sarah Palin gave no pardon to the popular snowman to stay his execution, probably due to the rumors of his 2012 Vice-Presidential campaign bid.
Thursday, December 18, 2008
Crime Doesn't 'Pie'
A pizza delivery man was held up at gunpoint, but threw the hot pepperoni pizza at the gunman. The suspect fled the scene covered in pizza, but has been described as hot and delicious.
The gunman fired one shot but the delivery man was not hit. When they say thick crust, they mean it.
While the delivery guy was not hurt, the robber burned the roof of his mouth.
The robber was expecting to be able to shoot someone in 30 minutes or less.
In the gunman’s defense, when he orders anchovies, he wants anchovies.
The delivery guy’s biggest complaint: no tip.
Seriously, how dumb is this robber? When you order a pizza for delivery, the one thing you have to tell them is the address where you are. You may as well call the police yourself while waiting for your pizza, moron.
The delivery has a new career now, too, as a crime fighter. Code name: Domino.
The pizza-covered robber was foiled, however, as he shortly thereafter ran up against stoner college kids who ate him.
Actually, the pizza robber was caught by police, and was immediately hand-tossed into jail.
The gunman fired one shot but the delivery man was not hit. When they say thick crust, they mean it.
While the delivery guy was not hurt, the robber burned the roof of his mouth.
The robber was expecting to be able to shoot someone in 30 minutes or less.
In the gunman’s defense, when he orders anchovies, he wants anchovies.
The delivery guy’s biggest complaint: no tip.
Seriously, how dumb is this robber? When you order a pizza for delivery, the one thing you have to tell them is the address where you are. You may as well call the police yourself while waiting for your pizza, moron.
The delivery has a new career now, too, as a crime fighter. Code name: Domino.
The pizza-covered robber was foiled, however, as he shortly thereafter ran up against stoner college kids who ate him.
Actually, the pizza robber was caught by police, and was immediately hand-tossed into jail.
China: Largest Population & Growing
China is facing a drastic increase in obesity. More Chinese people have taken to bad eating habits, and Western fast food chains such as KFC are being pointed out as a partial cause. The problem is, when Chinese people eat American food, an hour later they are hungry again.
Doctors are encouraging citizens to just get up off the couch, but are also using traditional Chinese medicinal methods like acupuncture. If you place a pin in your couch, as soon as you sit on it, you jump up off that couch.
China is currently on course to match the rate of obesity and related health problems of the U.S. in 10 to 20 years. Not helping: role models like Chow Yun Fat.
Doctors are encouraging citizens to just get up off the couch, but are also using traditional Chinese medicinal methods like acupuncture. If you place a pin in your couch, as soon as you sit on it, you jump up off that couch.
China is currently on course to match the rate of obesity and related health problems of the U.S. in 10 to 20 years. Not helping: role models like Chow Yun Fat.
Court-ing Taxpayers
Illinois’ state Attorney General Lisa Madigan has denied Governor Rod Blogojevich’s lawyer’s request to have the state pay for his legal defense. That just doesn’t make sense, even by Blogojevich’s own logic. If the state picks up his bill, he’ll have to give every state resident their own Senate seat.
Blogojevich’s lawyers also claimed today that wiretaps used to obtain bribery evidence were illegal. Blogojevich may have even known about wiretaps; he just never though any recording devices could penetrate his hair.
Blogojevich’s lawyers also claimed today that wiretaps used to obtain bribery evidence were illegal. Blogojevich may have even known about wiretaps; he just never though any recording devices could penetrate his hair.
The Shoe Fits
The Iraqi journalist who threw his shoes at President Bush and was subsequently arrested has said he regrets his actions and is asking to be pardoned. Some think he should go free. Others think the courts should sock it to him.
An investigation of the incident included an inspection of the shoes, themselves. No harmful substance was found on the shoes, although there were rumors that they had been laced with something.
An investigation of the incident included an inspection of the shoes, themselves. No harmful substance was found on the shoes, although there were rumors that they had been laced with something.
Thursday, December 11, 2008
Saint Lewis
Comedian Jerry Lewis will be honored at February’s Academy Awards ceremony with Oscar’s Humanitarian Award in recognition of his work as national chairman of the Muscular Dystrophy Association. As a humanitarian, he will also not force anyone to watch any of his movies.
Lewis is already prepared for the Academy Awards, because his telethons have gotten him used to broadcasts that take 18 hours.
It wasn’t yet announced who will present Jerry with his statuette, but most likely it will be a "niiice laaaa-dy."
Lewis is already prepared for the Academy Awards, because his telethons have gotten him used to broadcasts that take 18 hours.
It wasn’t yet announced who will present Jerry with his statuette, but most likely it will be a "niiice laaaa-dy."
$mileys Aren't Free
A Russian businessman has attempted to trademark the semicolon-hyphen-right-parentheses that form the sideways, winking smiley-face commonly used in email and text messages, in the hopes of collecting massive royalties from licensing fees. Anyone looking sideways at the smiley should sue the symbol’s “owner” for neck strain.
The corporate response to avoid paying the royalty has been to make sure no employees have any reason to wink or smile.
This could be a real crisis for worldwide youth, who may have to learn the use of such marks for actual sentence punctuation. OMG!
:(
The corporate response to avoid paying the royalty has been to make sure no employees have any reason to wink or smile.
This could be a real crisis for worldwide youth, who may have to learn the use of such marks for actual sentence punctuation. OMG!
:(
Party Favors
Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevish could be the 4th out of the last 8 Illinois governors to resign or be removed from office after getting caught in a corruption scandal. For you optimists keeping score, that’s still 4 that didn’t get caught.
Blagojevich is being asked to resign by just about every politician. Nationwide, pots are also asking kettles to admit they are black.
The governor has not yet resigned, and is expected to remain in public service. Because technically, making license plates is public service.
As scandals among high ranking Democrats go, the biggest shock in this story is that sex is not involved.
Yesterday was also Blagojevich’s 52nd birthday. Hopefully someone made him a cake. There should have been just enough time to hide a file in it.
Blagojevich is being asked to resign by just about every politician. Nationwide, pots are also asking kettles to admit they are black.
The governor has not yet resigned, and is expected to remain in public service. Because technically, making license plates is public service.
As scandals among high ranking Democrats go, the biggest shock in this story is that sex is not involved.
Yesterday was also Blagojevich’s 52nd birthday. Hopefully someone made him a cake. There should have been just enough time to hide a file in it.
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
Fire Ho's
It was reported in Los Angeles that the city’s oldest strip club, “The Body Shop” has closed down due to a fire. Fire-fighters were slow to put out the blaze because they first had to pay a cover and buy two drinks.
On the main stage, the strippers found it physically easy to stop, drop, and roll. But then there was a fire.
During the fire, getting the club’s dancers to leave proved difficult, until rescue workers stood at the exit waving dollar bills.
It would have been a less dangerous situation if the disaster had been, say, a flood, since most of the girls are already equipped with flotation devices.
On the main stage, the strippers found it physically easy to stop, drop, and roll. But then there was a fire.
During the fire, getting the club’s dancers to leave proved difficult, until rescue workers stood at the exit waving dollar bills.
It would have been a less dangerous situation if the disaster had been, say, a flood, since most of the girls are already equipped with flotation devices.
He's Lost his Charm, He's Lost his Appeal
Idaho Senator Larry Craig lost his appeal to overturn his disorderly conduct conviction stemming from a gay sex sting at the Minneapolis airport last June. Craig did not seek reelection in November due to the scandal, and in January he will be coming out – of the Senate.
Craig voluntarily pleaded guilty and paid a fine at the time charges were filed. He then changed his mind and tried to appeal. He also said he would resign from the Senate, but changed his mind again. It seems that no matter which way he says he’ll go, he really goes both ways.
The senator also claimed that he felt tricked and confused by the undercover policeman’s actions, calling them coy, then seductive, and then irresistible.
In the heat of the scandal, the Senate Ethics Committee had said that Craig had brought discredit to the Senate, which in turn, insulted the intelligence of every American who has ever read a newspaper before.
Craig voluntarily pleaded guilty and paid a fine at the time charges were filed. He then changed his mind and tried to appeal. He also said he would resign from the Senate, but changed his mind again. It seems that no matter which way he says he’ll go, he really goes both ways.
The senator also claimed that he felt tricked and confused by the undercover policeman’s actions, calling them coy, then seductive, and then irresistible.
In the heat of the scandal, the Senate Ethics Committee had said that Craig had brought discredit to the Senate, which in turn, insulted the intelligence of every American who has ever read a newspaper before.
Friday, December 5, 2008
“Use the Name ‘Simpson’ in a Sentence”
O.J. Simpson was sentenced to prison today. He will serve 15 to 33 years for kidnapping, robbery, and weapons convictions stemming from storming a Las Vegas hotel room for sports memorabilia he claimed was his. For legal analysts discussing whether the punishment fits the crime: it fits like a glove.
Simpson, now a resident of Florida, will serve out his sentence in a Nevada state prison. Like they say, “What happens in Vegas…”
The judge is known for doling out tough sentences, but she still wasn’t the most fearsome person in the room. At least she never killed anybody.
Simpson pleaded for leniency from the court, without a written or prepared statement. That’s probably smart, since the last thing he wrote was “If I Did It.”
Simpson, now a resident of Florida, will serve out his sentence in a Nevada state prison. Like they say, “What happens in Vegas…”
The judge is known for doling out tough sentences, but she still wasn’t the most fearsome person in the room. At least she never killed anybody.
Simpson pleaded for leniency from the court, without a written or prepared statement. That’s probably smart, since the last thing he wrote was “If I Did It.”
No'way, George!
In a London court today, singer Boy George was convicted of false imprisonment for cuffing and chaining a Norwegian male escort to a wall in his apartment and then hitting him with a chain following a cocaine-induced, pornographic photo session. The conviction is ironic, since the cuffing is the most legal and least offensive thing about that night.
Boy George is yet to be sentenced, but may face cuffing and imprisonment himself, in exchange for his cuffing and imprisoning another man. Karma chameleon, indeed.
Boy George is yet to be sentenced, but may face cuffing and imprisonment himself, in exchange for his cuffing and imprisoning another man. Karma chameleon, indeed.
French Rolled
In Paris yesterday, a gang of armed robbers pulled off a $100 million jewelry heist in broad daylight at a Harry Winston boutique. Two of the 4 male robbers were dressed in women’s clothes and wigs, which experts presume is so they can look pretty when they try on the jewelry.
The disguises may also have been an attempt to exonerate innocents. After all, if witnesses described the robbers as ‘androgynous,’ that could implicate all the men in Europe.
The robbers made what French authorities consider a clean getaway. It wasn’t actually clean; it was just drowned in cologne.
By American standards it still reeks.
Employees at the boutique were threatened with guns and some were hit on the head. All of them were witnesses, but none could confirm the exact time of the robbery. French police eventually figured out that was because all the watches had been stolen.
Luckily, none of the store clerks were shot, which is attributed to them shielding themselves with a thick layer of snootiness.
Witnesses said the robbers spoke a foreign language. Officials concede that if the criminals are foreigners, catching them may be more difficult. This is because, if they are not French, they won’t have that natural predisposition to surrender.
The disguises may also have been an attempt to exonerate innocents. After all, if witnesses described the robbers as ‘androgynous,’ that could implicate all the men in Europe.
The robbers made what French authorities consider a clean getaway. It wasn’t actually clean; it was just drowned in cologne.
By American standards it still reeks.
Employees at the boutique were threatened with guns and some were hit on the head. All of them were witnesses, but none could confirm the exact time of the robbery. French police eventually figured out that was because all the watches had been stolen.
Luckily, none of the store clerks were shot, which is attributed to them shielding themselves with a thick layer of snootiness.
Witnesses said the robbers spoke a foreign language. Officials concede that if the criminals are foreigners, catching them may be more difficult. This is because, if they are not French, they won’t have that natural predisposition to surrender.
Thursday, December 4, 2008
Bail Out of Comedy Blog Demanded
Due to the current economic crisis, felt nationwide amid massive layoffs, roller-coaster stock prices, and shaky consumer confidence, not to mention tremendous media fear-mongering, I have reached an important decision. I have called on the United States government to bail out this blog.
Never a profitable venture, since it has no way of earning or collecting any type of money, I feel that in order to maintain and uphold News Riffs Comedy as a continued source for political satire, entertainment parody, and occasional arbitrary silliness as a service to the online community, I can no longer go it alone. I won't ask employees to make any sacrifices, because I don't employ anyone. I can't expect the share-holders to take any further risk, because there are no shares or holders.
Therefore, having no other reasonable alternatives, I turn to the U.S. government, who have recently enacted emergency legislation for many of those affected by the housing crisis, signed off on a $700 billion bank industry aid package, and is now considering an auto industry bailout. I assure them, I want the help just as bad as those other guys, and I will use it just as wisely. Take care of yourself, first!The one big difference is I am not asking them for money. Not one dollar. I am requesting a much more meaningful level of assistance. I want Congress to approve the federal writing and posting of jokes, not just on my blog, but everywhere Americans need to laugh. Federal courts in particular.
If I could subsidize this blog with government-composed prose aimed at light, topical humor, it would make a world of difference. A few times a week, a headline, odd bit of news, or an update on the personal issues of a celebrity could surely use Old Glory's comedic touch.
This could also be great public relations for the government, too. Right now, the news footage each night is pretty grim, with most federal efforts being overshadowed by the war, the economy, and other negatively received information. A small shift in focus from, say, military spending to joke-writing might be just the thing to show the White House and Congress in a much more positive light. After all, is the pen not mightier than the sword?
The help is desperately needed, and there is plenty of evidence to support that. For one thing, comedy is hard, especially topical humor. Current events are depressing. That's not entirely the government's fault. It's TV journalism, mostly. Freedom of the press is an important right, but it can be abused. Ihe media wages news on us every day. It’s us versus them. And the public enables that abuse by eating it up every day, one sound byte at a time.
So, why help me and my little joke blog? Well, even I have to admit that both the quantity and quality of the content of the blog varies widely. Obviously, the easy solution is to have the government help by writing a little material themselves. I don't care if they do it individually or by committee. I'm not particular about who gets credit for drafting or authoring what. I don't care if the jokes are voted for. As long as it's a bipartison effort. Just remember, the Supreme Court doesn't get to judge; the audience does.
So bail me out, Uncle Sam. I'm not saying I deserve it, and I'm certainly not claiming that it should be your responsibility to do so in a heavily competitive world market for comedy. But it would sure make things a lot easier for me if you would just come up with the jokes for me. Or, have the media help you out. Government does the set-up, and the media does the punch-line. The perfect comedy team.
I will say, I think you can do it. From my perspective as a long-time observer of both government policy-making and execution, and all the news organizations’ op-ed sensationalism disguised as reporting, I hope you'll take my word for it when I say: you guys really are hilarious.
Never a profitable venture, since it has no way of earning or collecting any type of money, I feel that in order to maintain and uphold News Riffs Comedy as a continued source for political satire, entertainment parody, and occasional arbitrary silliness as a service to the online community, I can no longer go it alone. I won't ask employees to make any sacrifices, because I don't employ anyone. I can't expect the share-holders to take any further risk, because there are no shares or holders.
Therefore, having no other reasonable alternatives, I turn to the U.S. government, who have recently enacted emergency legislation for many of those affected by the housing crisis, signed off on a $700 billion bank industry aid package, and is now considering an auto industry bailout. I assure them, I want the help just as bad as those other guys, and I will use it just as wisely. Take care of yourself, first!The one big difference is I am not asking them for money. Not one dollar. I am requesting a much more meaningful level of assistance. I want Congress to approve the federal writing and posting of jokes, not just on my blog, but everywhere Americans need to laugh. Federal courts in particular.
If I could subsidize this blog with government-composed prose aimed at light, topical humor, it would make a world of difference. A few times a week, a headline, odd bit of news, or an update on the personal issues of a celebrity could surely use Old Glory's comedic touch.
This could also be great public relations for the government, too. Right now, the news footage each night is pretty grim, with most federal efforts being overshadowed by the war, the economy, and other negatively received information. A small shift in focus from, say, military spending to joke-writing might be just the thing to show the White House and Congress in a much more positive light. After all, is the pen not mightier than the sword?
The help is desperately needed, and there is plenty of evidence to support that. For one thing, comedy is hard, especially topical humor. Current events are depressing. That's not entirely the government's fault. It's TV journalism, mostly. Freedom of the press is an important right, but it can be abused. Ihe media wages news on us every day. It’s us versus them. And the public enables that abuse by eating it up every day, one sound byte at a time.
So, why help me and my little joke blog? Well, even I have to admit that both the quantity and quality of the content of the blog varies widely. Obviously, the easy solution is to have the government help by writing a little material themselves. I don't care if they do it individually or by committee. I'm not particular about who gets credit for drafting or authoring what. I don't care if the jokes are voted for. As long as it's a bipartison effort. Just remember, the Supreme Court doesn't get to judge; the audience does.
So bail me out, Uncle Sam. I'm not saying I deserve it, and I'm certainly not claiming that it should be your responsibility to do so in a heavily competitive world market for comedy. But it would sure make things a lot easier for me if you would just come up with the jokes for me. Or, have the media help you out. Government does the set-up, and the media does the punch-line. The perfect comedy team.
I will say, I think you can do it. From my perspective as a long-time observer of both government policy-making and execution, and all the news organizations’ op-ed sensationalism disguised as reporting, I hope you'll take my word for it when I say: you guys really are hilarious.
Thursday, November 20, 2008
Heart to Heart
In Miami, a teenage girl just got her second heart transplant after living without a heart, only external pumping machines, for 118 days. It had been discovered that her first transplant failed when the Wizard of Oz had just put a clock in her chest, calling it a “testimonial.”
Living for nearly 4 months with no heart in her body really is impressive, but not a record. Dick Cheney hasn’t had a heart since he ran Haliburton in 1995.
Though she is now resuming normal activities, the road had a more than a few bumps. For example, seeking experts on heart removal, the girl’s parents had at first mistakenly taken her to the Temple of Doom Thuggee Cult Hospital.
Living for nearly 4 months with no heart in her body really is impressive, but not a record. Dick Cheney hasn’t had a heart since he ran Haliburton in 1995.
Though she is now resuming normal activities, the road had a more than a few bumps. For example, seeking experts on heart removal, the girl’s parents had at first mistakenly taken her to the Temple of Doom Thuggee Cult Hospital.
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
"Brother, Can You Spare a Hundred Million Dollars?"
Here in California, A 57-year-old transient man, convicted of starting a 2006 fire that burned 163,000 acres, has been sentenced to nearly 4 years in prison, and ordered to pay $101 million in fines and restitution. So in exchange for destroying 11 structures and threatening so many homes, he gets a free roof over his head.
I guess if you’re poor enough, crime really does pay.
No one knows where this homeless person is supposed to come up with a hundred million dollars. His park bench was already foreclosed.
Searching for assets, the state has also seized his shopping cart and his rare collection of hard-written cardboard signs.
As for the recent L.A. fires that are still being contained, a number of homeless people are now claiming responsibility, in hopes of getting that same cushy prison sentence.
I guess if you’re poor enough, crime really does pay.
No one knows where this homeless person is supposed to come up with a hundred million dollars. His park bench was already foreclosed.
Searching for assets, the state has also seized his shopping cart and his rare collection of hard-written cardboard signs.
As for the recent L.A. fires that are still being contained, a number of homeless people are now claiming responsibility, in hopes of getting that same cushy prison sentence.
Prone... To Talk
Ashley Alexandra Dupre, the prostitute involved in the scandal of former New York governor Eliot Spitzer, is sitting down for a TV interview with 20/20’s Diane Sawyer. Nothing is off limits, and nothing is taboo, but Diane has to pay cash and promise to become a regular.
For the interview, Dupre has agreed to frank oral discourse. Well, she’s already got the oral part down.
For the interview, Dupre has agreed to frank oral discourse. Well, she’s already got the oral part down.
Today is my Birthday
Feel free to offer presents. No gift cards, please.
Include your name, address, phone number, and email in your comments and I will make sure one of my staff arranges for you to be given our office P.O. Box.
Include your name, address, phone number, and email in your comments and I will make sure one of my staff arranges for you to be given our office P.O. Box.
Monday, November 17, 2008
Heavy Bondage
The new James Bond movie, Quantum of Solace was number one at the box office in its weekend, taking in $70.4 million. This broke the record for any Bond opening, any Gus Van Sant-directed film, and any movie, ever, with a meaningless non sequitur for a title.
Running the Miley
Miley Cyrus is fine and well, but a hoax purporting her death in a drunk driving accident in a YouTube video, where the teen star’s account had been hacked. Dad Billy Ray Cyrus was so upset at the idea of such a horror that he regressed back to his 1992 mullet.
Almost as horrific is the thought of Miley instead making a gradual descent into booze, drugs and publicity-inspired lesbianism.
Almost as horrific is the thought of Miley instead making a gradual descent into booze, drugs and publicity-inspired lesbianism.
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
Wuhan Clan
China’s Hubei province just wrapped up it’s 8th annual Wuhan International Acrobatics festival, celebrating 2,000 years of the art form in China. Interestingly, all of the youngest acrobats, typically age 8, were still somehow magically born prior to 1992.
Thursday, November 6, 2008
Lame Duck-Hunting
Members of the Bush administration are beginning to make their plans for the time following President-Elect Obama taking office. Vice-President Dick Cheney, for example, is looking forward to shooting people in the face in the private sector.
When Cheney leaves office, it will be the first time in 8 years he will be doing anything with a strong approval rating.
Congratulations, Dick.
When Cheney leaves office, it will be the first time in 8 years he will be doing anything with a strong approval rating.
Congratulations, Dick.
Manual Transition
It’s possible that President Bush isn’t yet conditioned to the idea of leaving office. After election results were announced late Tuesday night, he initially referred to Barack Obama and his staff as “the insurgency.”
According to news reports today, Mr. Bush wants to make the transition as easy as possible for Obama, but then spent a good part of the day trying to get Barack to switch his pronunciation to “nuc-u-ler.”
According to news reports today, Mr. Bush wants to make the transition as easy as possible for Obama, but then spent a good part of the day trying to get Barack to switch his pronunciation to “nuc-u-ler.”
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
New Precedent
Yesterday, the U.S elected Barack Obama to become its 44th president. But, as Barack made clear to the nation in his speech from Chicago late last night, the real victory belongs to Oprah.
Vice-Presidential-Elect Joe Biden, who also won the election to retain his seat in the U.S. Senate, will have to give that up. Quitter.
John McCain, from his home state of Arizona, gave a concession speech that was gracious and dignified. But the wisest thing was not what was said, but in what wasn’t said. That is to say, Sarah Palin was never given the microphone.
With the transition of power already under way, Mr. Obama must now begin to address the many issues facing the nation, such as rising unemployment. For instance, just last night a bunch of Republican Congressmen lost their jobs.
Vice-Presidential-Elect Joe Biden, who also won the election to retain his seat in the U.S. Senate, will have to give that up. Quitter.
John McCain, from his home state of Arizona, gave a concession speech that was gracious and dignified. But the wisest thing was not what was said, but in what wasn’t said. That is to say, Sarah Palin was never given the microphone.
With the transition of power already under way, Mr. Obama must now begin to address the many issues facing the nation, such as rising unemployment. For instance, just last night a bunch of Republican Congressmen lost their jobs.
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
Vote often!
Obviously, today is election day. Based on estimates from ACORN, ballots have already been cast by over 8 billion people.
Results won’t be announced until late tonight, but both Republicans and Democrats are encouraging all their supporters to go to the polls. Sarah Palin is even encouraging all her neighbors who live in Russia to vote.
Companies like Starbucks, Krispy Kreme and Ben & Jerry’s fffers for a free item for voters today were voluntarily changed to free-item-for-anyone, when legal concerns arose that the freebies could be seen as election bribes. The moral is: Democracy doesn't pay.
In keeping with national tradition, free coffee and donuts will remain reserved only to bribe cops.
The public at large is very enthusiastic about today’s important voting, mostly because it isn’t being hosted by Ryan Seacrest.
Results won’t be announced until late tonight, but both Republicans and Democrats are encouraging all their supporters to go to the polls. Sarah Palin is even encouraging all her neighbors who live in Russia to vote.
Companies like Starbucks, Krispy Kreme and Ben & Jerry’s fffers for a free item for voters today were voluntarily changed to free-item-for-anyone, when legal concerns arose that the freebies could be seen as election bribes. The moral is: Democracy doesn't pay.
In keeping with national tradition, free coffee and donuts will remain reserved only to bribe cops.
The public at large is very enthusiastic about today’s important voting, mostly because it isn’t being hosted by Ryan Seacrest.
"Tricked Up Treat" or "All Methed Up"
A 7-year old boy in Minneapolis found a bag of money and methamphetamine mixed in with his Halloween candy, which police believe was either dropped by a man attempting to evade arrest, or else was a prop for a kid dressed up as Amy Winehouse.
The estimated street value of the drugs could be up to $200. In a related story, somewhere there’s a confused meth addict wondering how he spent almost 200 bucks for a giant bag of M&M’s.
Local police are trying to find the drug dealer by going house to house and looking on every porch for a pumpkin-shaped bowl of meth with a sign that says “Please take just one.”
There was about 2.2 grams of meth, but luckily, the parents were quick to react to the find in the boy’s bag. Both parents carefully examined the plastic baggie for sharp objects or open packaging before giving it back to their 7-year-old.
By Monday at school, many students had heard about the incident, and the boy was able to trade the meth for a 2 full-size Milky Ways and a Snickers.
The estimated street value of the drugs could be up to $200. In a related story, somewhere there’s a confused meth addict wondering how he spent almost 200 bucks for a giant bag of M&M’s.
Local police are trying to find the drug dealer by going house to house and looking on every porch for a pumpkin-shaped bowl of meth with a sign that says “Please take just one.”
There was about 2.2 grams of meth, but luckily, the parents were quick to react to the find in the boy’s bag. Both parents carefully examined the plastic baggie for sharp objects or open packaging before giving it back to their 7-year-old.
By Monday at school, many students had heard about the incident, and the boy was able to trade the meth for a 2 full-size Milky Ways and a Snickers.
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
WE ARE BACK!
After a long vacation, we are back at work here At News Riffs Comedy, scanning the AP wire, tuned into the news networks, and scouring the tabloids for the best possible material to create the high-quality jokes you have come to expect on this 2-or-3 posts-per week blog, Mom (and my dozen other readers).
Thanks for all your continued support.
Thanks for all your continued support.
Well Red
A new psychological study conducted at The University of Rochester found that men perceive women dressed in red to be considerably more attractive and desirable. That’s why Santa married Mrs. Claus, Roger Rabbit fell for Jessica, and John McCain chose Sarah Palin.
It also means that wearing the titular scarlet letter only made the Puritanical Hester Prynne look even hotter.
In another, more accurate study, men were more inclined to look at women wearing nothing.
In a possibly related story, George Hamilton is conducting his own study to see what women think of orange men.
It also means that wearing the titular scarlet letter only made the Puritanical Hester Prynne look even hotter.
In another, more accurate study, men were more inclined to look at women wearing nothing.
In a possibly related story, George Hamilton is conducting his own study to see what women think of orange men.
Ain't It Cruel News
A military judge ruled today that threats of death are a form of torture, even if no physical or mental injury is actually inflicted. In a related story, all parents of teenagers are being arrested as torturers.
Monday, September 29, 2008
We All Need Our Space
NASA marks its 50th birthday this week. The party, not surprisingly, will have a ‘Space’ theme.
Before blowing out the candles on their cake, however, there will be a countdown that will be halted several times for technical checks.
NASA has been in a slump, both in terms of funding and national interest, for years. Most experts place the blame on a lack of an overall guiding vision coupled with George Lucas seeming to completely “sell out” in his latest Clone Wars movie.
Before blowing out the candles on their cake, however, there will be a countdown that will be halted several times for technical checks.
NASA has been in a slump, both in terms of funding and national interest, for years. Most experts place the blame on a lack of an overall guiding vision coupled with George Lucas seeming to completely “sell out” in his latest Clone Wars movie.
Friday, September 26, 2008
Don’t Bank On It
So far, Congressional talks to fund President Bush’s proposed bank industry bailout have failed. In summary, half of Congress bailed and the other half are out.
John McCain has said that he will debate with Barak Obama tonight. All week, the two sides have been publicly arguing back and forth about the proposed bank bail-out, the economy, and the priorities of this country. Isn’t that called… a debate?
In the biggest bank failure in U.S. history, Washington Mutual was seized and its assets sold to JP Morgan Chase & Co. last night. To reflect its new relationship with customers, Washington Mutual is changing its name to Mutual Disdain.
John McCain has said that he will debate with Barak Obama tonight. All week, the two sides have been publicly arguing back and forth about the proposed bank bail-out, the economy, and the priorities of this country. Isn’t that called… a debate?
In the biggest bank failure in U.S. history, Washington Mutual was seized and its assets sold to JP Morgan Chase & Co. last night. To reflect its new relationship with customers, Washington Mutual is changing its name to Mutual Disdain.
Thursday, September 25, 2008
Plane and simple
A government study identified 24 near-collisions on runways in 2008, despite the FAA’s attempt to step up runway safety. The airlines point responsibility towards passengers who didn’t return their tray tables to their upright positions.
Yaer of the Rocket
China successfully launched a rocket carrying a three-man crew into space today. The rocket looked similar to ones used by the U.S. and Russia, except it was topped with a giant paper dragon.
The crew will take part in China’s first planned spacewalk over the next 2 days. All three astronauts are fighter pilots, and all 42 years old—at least according to their Chinese passports.
The crew will take part in China’s first planned spacewalk over the next 2 days. All three astronauts are fighter pilots, and all 42 years old—at least according to their Chinese passports.
Tear Gas
A West Virginia man pulled over on suspicion of drunk driving is being charged with battery on a police officer for allegedly raising one leg, passing gas loudly, and fanning it towards the officer. Maybe they need to make the breathalyzer instructions more clear.
I understand that the officer was offended, but a battery charge? Would they hit him with a concealed weapons charge for a quiet one?
I think the guy will get off. When they read you your rights, they only tell you, “Anything you SAY can and will be used against you.”
Legally, it’s a question of the rights of the accused. From now on, it’s “You have the right to remain silent-but-deadly.”
The man may even be questioned as a terrorist, since he unleashed a biological weapon.
I understand that the officer was offended, but a battery charge? Would they hit him with a concealed weapons charge for a quiet one?
I think the guy will get off. When they read you your rights, they only tell you, “Anything you SAY can and will be used against you.”
Legally, it’s a question of the rights of the accused. From now on, it’s “You have the right to remain silent-but-deadly.”
The man may even be questioned as a terrorist, since he unleashed a biological weapon.
Monday, September 22, 2008
‘Emmy A Break
Last night was the 60th Annual Emmy Awards, or as I call it, “So, You Think You Can Host?”
The ceremony was co-hosted by the 5 nominees in the new category for Best Host of a Reality/Competition Series. It really felt like a reality show, too, because it felt unscripted, uninteresting, and could have greatly benefited from some serious editing.
The winner in that category was Jeff Probst. The losers were everyone watching.
Isn’t emceeing the one talent these clowns are supposed to have?
The only thing that could have been more awkward was if Kathy Griffen had told Don Rickles to “suck it.”
Alec Baldwin won Best Lead Actor in a Comedy Series. His speech was brief, grateful, and modest, and could only have been improved if he called the co-hosts on their home answering machines and called them each a pig.
As they do every year, they had an “In Memoriam” montage, as a tribute to television artists who died since last year. The very last clip was of the opening of this year’s show.
While groundbreaking basic-cable shows like Mad Men and Damages took awards, 12 million people watched, proving that there are still 12 million people who don’t have basic cable to switch to.
The ceremony kicked off with an introduction by Oprah Winfrey, who was great except for one thing. I wish she had recommended a book to go read for the following 3 hours.
The entire debacle proves that television is a place for fantasy and glamour, not Reality.
These jokes may not be brilliant, but at least they were written and presented, which is more than I can say for the entire opening of the Emmys.
The ceremony was co-hosted by the 5 nominees in the new category for Best Host of a Reality/Competition Series. It really felt like a reality show, too, because it felt unscripted, uninteresting, and could have greatly benefited from some serious editing.
The winner in that category was Jeff Probst. The losers were everyone watching.
Isn’t emceeing the one talent these clowns are supposed to have?
The only thing that could have been more awkward was if Kathy Griffen had told Don Rickles to “suck it.”
Alec Baldwin won Best Lead Actor in a Comedy Series. His speech was brief, grateful, and modest, and could only have been improved if he called the co-hosts on their home answering machines and called them each a pig.
As they do every year, they had an “In Memoriam” montage, as a tribute to television artists who died since last year. The very last clip was of the opening of this year’s show.
While groundbreaking basic-cable shows like Mad Men and Damages took awards, 12 million people watched, proving that there are still 12 million people who don’t have basic cable to switch to.
The ceremony kicked off with an introduction by Oprah Winfrey, who was great except for one thing. I wish she had recommended a book to go read for the following 3 hours.
The entire debacle proves that television is a place for fantasy and glamour, not Reality.
These jokes may not be brilliant, but at least they were written and presented, which is more than I can say for the entire opening of the Emmys.
Monday, September 15, 2008
Convention-al Wisdom
Did you hear Rudy Giulianni's speech at the Republican national Convention? They must have put a 10 minute speaking limit, because, true to form, he kept it to 9:11.
He always keeps it to 9:11, doesn't he?
You really can't blame McCain for wanting to win the White House. He already has a house in every other color.
He always keeps it to 9:11, doesn't he?
You really can't blame McCain for wanting to win the White House. He already has a house in every other color.
Monday, September 8, 2008
Presidential Nomi-Nation
This is an exciting election year. It’s a year for a lot of “firsts.” For example, because of his age, John McCain is the first candidate to ever walk for president.
McCain is really working the “maverick” reputation, but that’s consistent with his record. Early in his career, he sometimes opposed his own Whigs and voted with the Tories.
Sarah Palin could be the first female Vice President, but why is that such a big deal? We’ve had other women in high office. Madeline Allbright and Condoleeza Rice have been Secretary of State. We’ve even had a female Attorney General, if you count Janet Reno.
Barak knew that in choosing his running mate, he should get someone older, a little weathered, and with a reputation as a real tough-guy. But he still didn’t pick Hillary.
People have questioned Barak Obama’s experience, because he’s a one-term senator. But the last time we had a freshman senator from Illinois become president, it was Abraham Lincoln. McCain knows this - he voted for Lincoln.
McCain is really working the “maverick” reputation, but that’s consistent with his record. Early in his career, he sometimes opposed his own Whigs and voted with the Tories.
Sarah Palin could be the first female Vice President, but why is that such a big deal? We’ve had other women in high office. Madeline Allbright and Condoleeza Rice have been Secretary of State. We’ve even had a female Attorney General, if you count Janet Reno.
Barak knew that in choosing his running mate, he should get someone older, a little weathered, and with a reputation as a real tough-guy. But he still didn’t pick Hillary.
People have questioned Barak Obama’s experience, because he’s a one-term senator. But the last time we had a freshman senator from Illinois become president, it was Abraham Lincoln. McCain knows this - he voted for Lincoln.
Thursday, September 4, 2008
Eye on Alaska: Northern Exposure
As everyone has heard by now, Republican Vice-Presidential nominee, Gov. Sarah Palin's 17-year-old-daughter, Bristol, is 5 months pregnant. And to think people said Jamie Lynn Spears isn't a role model anymore.
Bristol plans to to marry her boyfriend, the father of the baby, while the public is still learning basic background facts about her mother. For Example, Gov. Sarah Bristol is proud to be an avid hunter. Bristol: more of a trapper.
Bristol plans to to marry her boyfriend, the father of the baby, while the public is still learning basic background facts about her mother. For Example, Gov. Sarah Bristol is proud to be an avid hunter. Bristol: more of a trapper.
Thursday, August 28, 2008
Gross National Product. - And I Mean Gross!
In Cambodia, inflation has caused the price of rat meat to quadruple this year, in accordance with supply and demand. I don’t know which disturbs me more: the supply, or the demand.
The current price in about 5,000 riel per kilogram, or 69 pence/kg. To put it in American trade terms, that means that you can buy rat meat to eat but you would be trading your self respect.
Rat meat is commonly eaten in Cambodia, neighboring Vietnam, and parts of eastern India. The upside is the money saved. The downside: rat breath.
People have apparently been seeking this food source, rabidly.
Cambodians have begun to experience cravings for rat. In the middle of the night, it just starts gnawing at you.
Some popular new dishes include:
Ratwurst
Ratini pasta
Potatoes Au-Rat-in
of course, Ratatouille.
And for dessert, Peppermint Ratties
Among some, this is being viewed as a potential international threat. In fact, the White House is furious that Cambodia has secretly been harboring Weapons of Mass Disgusting.
There’s an old saying: “Give a man a rat and he’ll eat for a day, but teach a man not to eat rat and he’ll thank you for life.”
This raises a lot of other questions. For example, "The Cambodian Board of Health: what the hell’s the point?"
What does the counter help ask you in a restaurant that serves rat burgers, anyway? “Do you want flies with that?”
The current price in about 5,000 riel per kilogram, or 69 pence/kg. To put it in American trade terms, that means that you can buy rat meat to eat but you would be trading your self respect.
Rat meat is commonly eaten in Cambodia, neighboring Vietnam, and parts of eastern India. The upside is the money saved. The downside: rat breath.
People have apparently been seeking this food source, rabidly.
Cambodians have begun to experience cravings for rat. In the middle of the night, it just starts gnawing at you.
Some popular new dishes include:
Ratwurst
Ratini pasta
Potatoes Au-Rat-in
of course, Ratatouille.
And for dessert, Peppermint Ratties
Among some, this is being viewed as a potential international threat. In fact, the White House is furious that Cambodia has secretly been harboring Weapons of Mass Disgusting.
There’s an old saying: “Give a man a rat and he’ll eat for a day, but teach a man not to eat rat and he’ll thank you for life.”
This raises a lot of other questions. For example, "The Cambodian Board of Health: what the hell’s the point?"
What does the counter help ask you in a restaurant that serves rat burgers, anyway? “Do you want flies with that?”
Friday, August 22, 2008
‘Fierce’ or Just Cocky?
America’s Next Top Model has just announced next season’s inclusion of Isis, the show’s first trans-gendered contestant. Isis describes herself as “a woman who was born… male,” who aspires to be both a Top Model, and America’s Next Bottom.
Of the thousands of girls who audition to be on ANTM, the producers are always looking for contestants who have something special, and Isis really had one thing that stood out.
She takes her name, Isis, from the Egyptian goddess of magic, who I’m guessing, had the power to make her penis disappear.
One question that arises is, will Isis appear feminine enough to compete against all the girls on the show? My prediction: it’s going to be a close shave.
If the public responds well to Isis, the modeling industry will have won on two counts: they can make men uncomfortable for looking at a former dude, while they still make women feel bad about their own bodies.
For all the talk about progress and tolerance, this just goes to show that there isn’t any field where a woman can’t have her job stolen by a man.
Next season, Tyra Banks plans to continue her quest to find any model in the world whose balls are as big as Janice Dickenson’s.
Of the thousands of girls who audition to be on ANTM, the producers are always looking for contestants who have something special, and Isis really had one thing that stood out.
She takes her name, Isis, from the Egyptian goddess of magic, who I’m guessing, had the power to make her penis disappear.
One question that arises is, will Isis appear feminine enough to compete against all the girls on the show? My prediction: it’s going to be a close shave.
If the public responds well to Isis, the modeling industry will have won on two counts: they can make men uncomfortable for looking at a former dude, while they still make women feel bad about their own bodies.
For all the talk about progress and tolerance, this just goes to show that there isn’t any field where a woman can’t have her job stolen by a man.
Next season, Tyra Banks plans to continue her quest to find any model in the world whose balls are as big as Janice Dickenson’s.
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
Bigfoot found? Not Yeti.
Two Atlanta hikers claiming to have captured a half-man, half-ape creature turned over their frozen find to be thawed. Now, the alleged Bigfoot body has been debunked as a rubber gorilla suit. Weekly World News immediately launched a hard-journalistic investigation to prove the rubber suit is a real Sasquatch.
One of the hikers is a police officer and is being fired over the hoax, his boss saying it is an integrity issue. Let’s see… record of public service, 15 minutes of fame, questionable ethics… sounds like someone’s moving into politics.
One of the hikers is a police officer and is being fired over the hoax, his boss saying it is an integrity issue. Let’s see… record of public service, 15 minutes of fame, questionable ethics… sounds like someone’s moving into politics.
Thursday, August 14, 2008
Where's the Beef?
In Ohio, a Burger King employee posted video online of himself taking a bath in a restaurant kitchen sink. Burger King fired the man. The employee alleges he was just trying to clean the Sesame seeds off his buns.
Management began to wonder about the employee following a drive-though incident where he said to a customer, “I’ll hold the lettuce if you hold the pickle.”
If you’ve seen the video, you’ll agree: Even though this was Burger King, this guy was a lot more fried than flame-broiled.
Unfortunately for him, being naked at work earned him a new nick-name: Whopper… Junior.
Finally, Burger King has a company man more deviant and embarrassing than McDonald’s own Hamburglar.
Management began to wonder about the employee following a drive-though incident where he said to a customer, “I’ll hold the lettuce if you hold the pickle.”
If you’ve seen the video, you’ll agree: Even though this was Burger King, this guy was a lot more fried than flame-broiled.
Unfortunately for him, being naked at work earned him a new nick-name: Whopper… Junior.
Finally, Burger King has a company man more deviant and embarrassing than McDonald’s own Hamburglar.
Affairs of State
John Edwards admitted to having an extramarital affair, and talked candidly about it in an interview. Now we really know what he meant by his saying that there are two Americas: one for his wife, one for his mistress.
The woman with whom he had the affair was his videographer, which gives a whole new meaning to being ready for your close-up.
The woman with whom he had the affair was his videographer, which gives a whole new meaning to being ready for your close-up.
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
“Hustle in Flo”
John “Junior” Gotti, son of the late organized crime boss John Gotti, has been indicted on conspiracy charges related to cocaine trafficking and three murders. Gotti has prior racketeering convictions for bribery, extortion, fraud, and gambling, but this pushes him up from the level of “gangster” to that of “gangsta.” Congratulations, Junior.
When he was released from prison in 2005, Gotti had said he had retired from his life of crime. This week’s cocaine and murder indictments illustrate just how important it is for retirees to keep active.
The indictment in Florida follows failed trials in New York in 2006 and 2007 that ended in mistrial or hung jury. The FBI had a hunch they could get Gotti in Florida based on his own claim that he retired.
When he was released from prison in 2005, Gotti had said he had retired from his life of crime. This week’s cocaine and murder indictments illustrate just how important it is for retirees to keep active.
The indictment in Florida follows failed trials in New York in 2006 and 2007 that ended in mistrial or hung jury. The FBI had a hunch they could get Gotti in Florida based on his own claim that he retired.
“Bow-wow… Wow!”
A South Korean company claiming to be the world’s first successful commercial dog-cloning service has its first client. A California woman paid $50,000 for 5 puppy clones from her deceased pit bull, Booger. The happy customer is beside herself, and so are her puppies.
The oman is even naming the pups after the Korean scientists. Still, it will be hard to tell them apart, because they all look alike. The clones; not Koreans.
After an American-based cloning company shut down, the customer had turned to Seoul National University, who owns the patent on dog-cloning. The American company had never cloned a canine, anyway, but had produced cloned felines. Patent attorneys have accused them of being Copy Cats.
A commercial breakthrough more than a scientific one, since the first successful dog cloning took place in 2005, some Koreans have been heard to say that the easy availability of cloned dogs sounds delicious.
The oman is even naming the pups after the Korean scientists. Still, it will be hard to tell them apart, because they all look alike. The clones; not Koreans.
After an American-based cloning company shut down, the customer had turned to Seoul National University, who owns the patent on dog-cloning. The American company had never cloned a canine, anyway, but had produced cloned felines. Patent attorneys have accused them of being Copy Cats.
A commercial breakthrough more than a scientific one, since the first successful dog cloning took place in 2005, some Koreans have been heard to say that the easy availability of cloned dogs sounds delicious.
Friday, August 1, 2008
Coiled and Spoiled
Yesterday, 12 live, venomous snakes and 5 non-venomous ones were found in and removed from a Fairfax, VA hotel room. Police later arrested the room’s occupant. Hotel management had first become suspicious when, upon check-in, the guest requested that the room’s beds be replaced with a giant rock under a heat lamp.
Most relieved is hotel Room Service, who were tired of getting calls requesting live mice.
The snakes went unnoticed at first, because they just stayed in their room. Who knows how long they might have stayed there if that guy from India hadn’t started playing that flute.
The real-life event has already been adapted into a terrible screenplay and sent to Samuel L. Jackson.
Most relieved is hotel Room Service, who were tired of getting calls requesting live mice.
The snakes went unnoticed at first, because they just stayed in their room. Who knows how long they might have stayed there if that guy from India hadn’t started playing that flute.
The real-life event has already been adapted into a terrible screenplay and sent to Samuel L. Jackson.
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
“Bale Bonded”
Batman: The Dark Knight’s Christian Bale was questioned by London police for 4 hours, and then released on bail but not charged, following allegations from his mother and sister that he assaulted them in his hotel suite. Christian denies the charge, and the most likely explanation is a vast conspiracy orchestrated by an insanely jealous Adam West.
“Lighting up: the World”
Bill Gates is teaming up with New York City’s Mayor Michael Bloomberg in a $375 million, world-wide anti-smoking campaign. This seems fitting for Gates, who’s Microsoft Vista has caused smoke to pour out of customers’ ears since the day the product launched.
One of their biggest obstacles, despite all their money, is that Gates anti-tobacco stance proves that smoking is only for cool people.
One of their biggest obstacles, despite all their money, is that Gates anti-tobacco stance proves that smoking is only for cool people.
“Wax or Waning Star?”
Madame Toussauds Wax Museum in London unveiled the likeness of award-winning singer Amy Winehouse today. It really looks like her, but there are obvious differences. One is just a stiff, lifeless imitation of a person, and the other is made of wax.
Winehouse did not attend the unveiling and hasn’t seen her wax twin yet, but as her schedule allows over the next couple of weeks, you can be sure that her plans will include being drunk and high.
Winehouse did not attend the unveiling and hasn’t seen her wax twin yet, but as her schedule allows over the next couple of weeks, you can be sure that her plans will include being drunk and high.
“To Have (a Life) and Have Not”
An Earnest Hemmingway festival in Florida reached a climax over the weekend with a look-alike contest of the late author of classics such as A Farewell to Arms, The Snows of Kilimanjaro, and For Whom the Bell Tolls. Public reaction to the event was reminiscent of one the Nobel winner’s own titles: For Whom the Hell Cares?
The stocky, white-bearded Hemmingway doppelganger was thrilled to win first place, and is now looking forward to getting back to his wife, elves and reindeer back at the North Pole.
The stocky, white-bearded Hemmingway doppelganger was thrilled to win first place, and is now looking forward to getting back to his wife, elves and reindeer back at the North Pole.
Golden Girls actress Estelle Getty has died, at the age of 84. Famous as Bea Arthur’s elderly mother Sophia, she was actually the youngest member of the cast. It’s a surprise that all the other Girls have outlived her, but not because of their age. It’s just amazing that they weren’t crushed under the weight of their 1980’s shoulder pads.
Her many loving fans and admirers have requested that to honor her memory, in lieu of flowers, all copies of the movie Stop, or My Mom Will Shoot be destroyed.
Her many loving fans and admirers have requested that to honor her memory, in lieu of flowers, all copies of the movie Stop, or My Mom Will Shoot be destroyed.
Monday, July 21, 2008
Appealing in the Eye of the Beholder
A U.S. Court of Appeals overturned the FCC fine against CBS for the 2004 Super Bowl halftime show incident where Janet Jackson’s breast was exposed. The FCC said they were surprised and disappointed by today’s decision, the same way the audience was surprised and disappointed by Janet’s boob.
The fine, which was over half a million dollars, was described as gratuitous and arbitrary. Some might say, as gratuitous and arbitrary as celebrity nudity at a football game.
The court further ruled that, in order for CBS to be held responsible, the FCC would have to prove that the network acted recklessly. That made CBS nervous. After all, this is the same network that airs “Big Brother.”
The fine, which was over half a million dollars, was described as gratuitous and arbitrary. Some might say, as gratuitous and arbitrary as celebrity nudity at a football game.
The court further ruled that, in order for CBS to be held responsible, the FCC would have to prove that the network acted recklessly. That made CBS nervous. After all, this is the same network that airs “Big Brother.”
The USA’s first war crimes trial since World War II began today in Guantanamo Bay, with a plea of not guilty by Obama bin Laden’s former driver. He is accused of conspiracy and supporting terrorism, but in his defense, he’s an excellent driver.
What does bin Laden need a driver for, anyway? He’s been hiding out in the wilderness for, years, living like an animal? What next, he has a butler to tidy up his cave?
A $20,000 pair of earrings were found in a truckload of garbage on Staten Island, prompting a baffling mystery: Why would anyone who can afford 3—carat diamonds go to Staten Island?
Actually, the owner could have received ownership of the island in exchange for the island, but no one was around to give her the rest of the $19,000 change she would have had coming.
What does bin Laden need a driver for, anyway? He’s been hiding out in the wilderness for, years, living like an animal? What next, he has a butler to tidy up his cave?
A $20,000 pair of earrings were found in a truckload of garbage on Staten Island, prompting a baffling mystery: Why would anyone who can afford 3—carat diamonds go to Staten Island?
Actually, the owner could have received ownership of the island in exchange for the island, but no one was around to give her the rest of the $19,000 change she would have had coming.
Friday, July 18, 2008
Happy Fifth Birthday, (my son) Julian!
Happy birthday to Nelson Mandela, who turns 90 today. He celebrated the day in his favorite way: by not being in prison because of state-sponsored racism and tyranny.
The new Batman movie, The Dark Knight opens today, with a record-breaking box office likely, and an excess of $100 million 3-day total expected. Mamma Mia also opens today, but I think we already know why Bruce Wayne is a multi-billionaire and the members of Abba aren’t.
Billy Joel will play the last concert ever at New York’s Shea Stadium tonight, as the ball park is scheduled to be torn down at the end of the baseball season. As for the stadium’s demolition, the owners are just going to have Billy Joel come back in and let him drive around.
The new Batman movie, The Dark Knight opens today, with a record-breaking box office likely, and an excess of $100 million 3-day total expected. Mamma Mia also opens today, but I think we already know why Bruce Wayne is a multi-billionaire and the members of Abba aren’t.
Billy Joel will play the last concert ever at New York’s Shea Stadium tonight, as the ball park is scheduled to be torn down at the end of the baseball season. As for the stadium’s demolition, the owners are just going to have Billy Joel come back in and let him drive around.
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
Sound... Proof
The Senate is set to vote today to pass a bill setting new rules for secret government surveillance, after a year of controversy over the president’s wiretapping without warrants following 9/11. To show their support, The White House says that in the future they will try harder not to get caught.
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
“Yankee’s A-Rod Thrown out at Home”
Baseball star Alex Rodriguez’s wife of 5 years has filed for divorce, alleging he had extramarital affairs. Making matters worse, The New York Post and Us Weekly have attempted to romantically link A-Rod to Madonna. On the plus side, this story is helping to dispel the notion that New Yorkers don’t like to get involved.
Madonna denied any romantic connection to A-Rod. When asked about rumors of a break-up of her own marriage to filmmaker Guy Richie, Madonna quickly responded, “Who?”
In recent weeks, troubles in the Rodriguez’s marriage began to surface with subtle hints, like when Cynthia Rodriguez began to refer to her husband as A-hole.
Madonna denied any romantic connection to A-Rod. When asked about rumors of a break-up of her own marriage to filmmaker Guy Richie, Madonna quickly responded, “Who?”
In recent weeks, troubles in the Rodriguez’s marriage began to surface with subtle hints, like when Cynthia Rodriguez began to refer to her husband as A-hole.
"Celebrity News" and other oxymorons
Drew Barrymore and Justin long have ended their relationship. One can assume Drew was jealous over the on-screen chemistry Jason had with the ‘PC’ computer guy in his ‘Mac’ commercials.
Steve-O, of “Jackass” fame, was in court today, related to June’s cocaine charge. He said he checked himself back into a rehab facility on his doctor’s advice, but will still be able to do a lot of his stunts, just sober. This courageous spirit proves that there is no way to kill stupidity.
Former lead singer of the Village People, Victor Willis, is in the hospital recovering from vocal cord surgery. He expects to fully recover, asserting that he has to be a macho, macho man.
Steve-O, of “Jackass” fame, was in court today, related to June’s cocaine charge. He said he checked himself back into a rehab facility on his doctor’s advice, but will still be able to do a lot of his stunts, just sober. This courageous spirit proves that there is no way to kill stupidity.
Former lead singer of the Village People, Victor Willis, is in the hospital recovering from vocal cord surgery. He expects to fully recover, asserting that he has to be a macho, macho man.
Members of the Iraqi government are stepping up pressure on the United States to agree on a timeline for a withdrawal of American troops. The White House agreed that a timeline would be established as soon as we figure out what the hell we were doing over there in the first place.
At a town hall meeting in Georgia, Barack Obama addressed the accusation that he has vacillated on political issues to tug at some of John McCain’s middle-of-the-road support. Obama said he hasn’t changed, but not every issue has to be viewed as strictly black and white.
As everyone knows, this past Friday was July 4th and Independence Day is widely regarded as America’s birthday, making our nation 232 years old. Of course it doesn’t seem that old because of its 5th grade reading level and all the Botox.
At a town hall meeting in Georgia, Barack Obama addressed the accusation that he has vacillated on political issues to tug at some of John McCain’s middle-of-the-road support. Obama said he hasn’t changed, but not every issue has to be viewed as strictly black and white.
As everyone knows, this past Friday was July 4th and Independence Day is widely regarded as America’s birthday, making our nation 232 years old. Of course it doesn’t seem that old because of its 5th grade reading level and all the Botox.
Friday, June 27, 2008
According to a new study conducted at universities in Warsaw and Montreal, over 90% of all people can carry a tune. Further research proves that the ability to identify those who can carry a tune includes everyone except Paula Abdul.
Miley Cyrus spoke out about her controversial photographs where she was covered with a sheet, but apparently topless. Miley said, ‘It still hurts when I think about it,” following in the tradition of former teen pop stars like Britney Spears and Jessica Simpson, who have also claimed that it hurts when they think.
A Malibu woman is building her new house out of a recycled 747 airliner. The good news is that her home makes good use of the used materials. The bad news is that if she has guests who saty over, they will be charged $25 per suitcase.
Miley Cyrus spoke out about her controversial photographs where she was covered with a sheet, but apparently topless. Miley said, ‘It still hurts when I think about it,” following in the tradition of former teen pop stars like Britney Spears and Jessica Simpson, who have also claimed that it hurts when they think.
A Malibu woman is building her new house out of a recycled 747 airliner. The good news is that her home makes good use of the used materials. The bad news is that if she has guests who saty over, they will be charged $25 per suitcase.
Thursday, June 26, 2008
“Shooting, from a Little More than Half Court”
In a landmark decision today, The U.S. Supreme Court ruled that Americans right to bear arms is not limited to state militias, but includes individuals right to protect their homes. This is a major victory for the NRA, but is a serious blow to the National Burglars’ Association.
The ruling overturns a Washington, DC ban on hand guns. While that law was in effect, DC residents were only able to rely on the Capitol’s traditional weapon: blackmail.
The Justices were split, 5 to 4 with the majority ruling in favor of hand gun rights, and then shooting the 4 dissenting Justices.
The ruling overturns a Washington, DC ban on hand guns. While that law was in effect, DC residents were only able to rely on the Capitol’s traditional weapon: blackmail.
The Justices were split, 5 to 4 with the majority ruling in favor of hand gun rights, and then shooting the 4 dissenting Justices.
“Commercials’ Property”
Famous side-kick and pitch-man Ed McMahon is reportedly facing foreclosure on his Beverly Hills mansion. Friend and co-star Dick Clark says that this has to be one of the real estate market's biggest Bloopers, or else, a Practical Joke.
Ed’s biggest regret now is that he isn’t eligible for the American Family Publisher’s sweepstakes. If he was, he might already have won $10,000,000.
If he is able to come up with the back payments he owes, Ed will surely announce, “Heeee-eere’s… Money!”
Ed’s biggest regret now is that he isn’t eligible for the American Family Publisher’s sweepstakes. If he was, he might already have won $10,000,000.
If he is able to come up with the back payments he owes, Ed will surely announce, “Heeee-eere’s… Money!”
“Don’t Mock Him ‘Til You Try Him”
In an interview Tuesday, O.J. Simpson said that his sports memorabilia robbery and kidnapping case wouldn’t even be going to trial if he was anybody else. Weakening his argument is that fact that 2 other co-defendants charged in the case are also going to trial.
Simpson maintains that he is being singled out. That might be true, but he’s the only one who was robbing and kidnapping people.
O.J. implied that the prosecutor was only pursuing this case for personal gain. Kind of like a guy acquitted in a high profile murder case and then writing a book called If I Did It.
Simpson was charged in Las Vegas but was traveling through North Dakota and Minnesota at the time of his interview. He left California following his famous murder trial, claiming to be broke, and is now based in Florida, where he somehow makes a living as a professional vacationer.
Simpson maintains that he is being singled out. That might be true, but he’s the only one who was robbing and kidnapping people.
O.J. implied that the prosecutor was only pursuing this case for personal gain. Kind of like a guy acquitted in a high profile murder case and then writing a book called If I Did It.
Simpson was charged in Las Vegas but was traveling through North Dakota and Minnesota at the time of his interview. He left California following his famous murder trial, claiming to be broke, and is now based in Florida, where he somehow makes a living as a professional vacationer.
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
“American Bridal”
Former American Idol champion Ruben Studdard is getting married. A big wedding is planned for this Saturday. At the reception, they will have dinner service for 350 and a 7-tier wedding cake. And there might also be some food for the guests.
Despite Clay Aiken’s success in Broadway’s “Spamalot.” Ruben Studdard’s wedding news seems to be overshadowing him. But then again, Studdard casts a pretty big shadow.
Ruben famously beat Clay in an upset on the 2nd season of American Idol, and is once again getting the most media attention. Poor Clay. Always a bride’s maid, never a bride.
Despite Clay Aiken’s success in Broadway’s “Spamalot.” Ruben Studdard’s wedding news seems to be overshadowing him. But then again, Studdard casts a pretty big shadow.
Ruben famously beat Clay in an upset on the 2nd season of American Idol, and is once again getting the most media attention. Poor Clay. Always a bride’s maid, never a bride.
Getting a Leg Up
Scientists have discovered the most primitive tetrapod, or 4-limbed creature, in Earth’s history. After much research, anthropologists confirmed that it’s “Girls Gone Wild” owner Joe Francis.
The fossil, found in Latvia, includes a skull, and parts of its shoulders and pelvis that indicate the 365 million-year-old animal had developed legs instead of fins. Sadly, the statement that leg development was an evolutionary step forward immediately enraged the world’s Mermaids.
The fossil, found in Latvia, includes a skull, and parts of its shoulders and pelvis that indicate the 365 million-year-old animal had developed legs instead of fins. Sadly, the statement that leg development was an evolutionary step forward immediately enraged the world’s Mermaids.
Monday, June 23, 2008
'Bye George: Tribute to an Icon
The world of comedy suffered a tragic loss over the weekend. (No, I wasn’t performing.) Legendary stand-up comic George Carlin died on Sunday night. His last words were not reported, but one can assume there were 7 and that you could never say them on TV.
A comic who frequently ridiculed language breakdowns caused by euphemisms, he experienced a cardiac incident and passed away. Or, his heart stopped and he dropped dead.
The cause of death was reported as heart failure. It was either that or one too many anti-God jokes.
Everyone knew Carlin was a pioneer. And not just because of the beard and ponytail.
Carlin was scheduled to be given the Mark Twain Prize at the Kennedy Center Awards later this year. A fitting honor for Carlin, who, with a bolo tie and his hair mussed, would look exactly like Twain.
Carlin really was a lot like Mark Twain. Both: geniuses. Both: humorists and social critics. And now: both dead.
A comic who frequently ridiculed language breakdowns caused by euphemisms, he experienced a cardiac incident and passed away. Or, his heart stopped and he dropped dead.
The cause of death was reported as heart failure. It was either that or one too many anti-God jokes.
Everyone knew Carlin was a pioneer. And not just because of the beard and ponytail.
Carlin was scheduled to be given the Mark Twain Prize at the Kennedy Center Awards later this year. A fitting honor for Carlin, who, with a bolo tie and his hair mussed, would look exactly like Twain.
Carlin really was a lot like Mark Twain. Both: geniuses. Both: humorists and social critics. And now: both dead.
* * *
All kidding aside, George was one of the true greats in comedy; a giant. It is his own un-flinching irreverence that makes me feel that it's okay to make these jokes. I think he'd want it that way. Remembering him this way might ease the pain of his loss. The world will have a little less laughter now. Mr. Carlin, you will be missed.
All kidding aside, George was one of the true greats in comedy; a giant. It is his own un-flinching irreverence that makes me feel that it's okay to make these jokes. I think he'd want it that way. Remembering him this way might ease the pain of his loss. The world will have a little less laughter now. Mr. Carlin, you will be missed.
Thursday, June 19, 2008
Racial expression
A South Africa high court ruled that a portion of ethnically Chinese citizens are to be reclassified as “black,” so that they can benefit from policies intended to undo apartheid injustices. Some white people will also be affected, since this ruling screws up many of the most bigoted ethnic jokes.
Since the end of apartheid, the government has taken many steps to insure all South Africans equality. Today’s ruling is a perfect example, since both Black and Chinese people found the reclassification offensive.
Congratulations to Jamie Lynn Spears, who had her baby today. She had a girl, and named her Maddie Briann. The name “Maddie,” of course, is short for “Mad ‘e Got Me Pregnant.”
Little Maddie came into the world at only 6 lbs., 1 oz., which is smaller than the average newborn here in the U.S., but still bigger than Mary-Kate Olsen.
Britney Spears, who flew to Jamie Lynn’s side, was happy for her sister, but even happier to have all the attention on someone else’s vagina for a change.
Based on her own parenting experience, Britney asked Jamie Lynn how long it would be until her brand new daughter would be turned over to Kevin Federline.
No pictures of the baby have yet been released to the press, but the paparazzi are already prepared to make the baby seem as slutty as possible.
Since the end of apartheid, the government has taken many steps to insure all South Africans equality. Today’s ruling is a perfect example, since both Black and Chinese people found the reclassification offensive.
Congratulations to Jamie Lynn Spears, who had her baby today. She had a girl, and named her Maddie Briann. The name “Maddie,” of course, is short for “Mad ‘e Got Me Pregnant.”
Little Maddie came into the world at only 6 lbs., 1 oz., which is smaller than the average newborn here in the U.S., but still bigger than Mary-Kate Olsen.
Britney Spears, who flew to Jamie Lynn’s side, was happy for her sister, but even happier to have all the attention on someone else’s vagina for a change.
Based on her own parenting experience, Britney asked Jamie Lynn how long it would be until her brand new daughter would be turned over to Kevin Federline.
No pictures of the baby have yet been released to the press, but the paparazzi are already prepared to make the baby seem as slutty as possible.
Friday, June 13, 2008
Old News
C. Yardley Chittick, a 107-year-old New Hampshire man, has been asked to lead the Phillips Academy alumni parade in Andover, MA. The century-plus former patent lawyer took the job, apparently not realizing that leading a parade means walking in it.
He is the last surviving member of the academy’s Class of 1918. In fact, his 90th class reunion is being held wherever he happens to be standing right now.
The school is thrilled to have Mr. Chittick walking the parade. Apparently, for some reason, they want to be rid of him.
His nomination to lead the parade was submitted anonymously, but then traced to poor relatives awaiting their inheritance.
By leading the parade, Chittick will prove that you’re never too old to exercise… poor judgment.
Actually, walking the entire length of the parade is not Mr. Chittick’s biggest concern. His real worry is remembering the route back.
Nevada Governor Jim Gibbons, age 63, filed for divorce in May, and then, in just 1 month, sent more than 860 text messages to a woman he calls a longtime friend. The state immediately launched an investigation, since that much texting is proof that Gibbons must secretly be a teenager.
He is the last surviving member of the academy’s Class of 1918. In fact, his 90th class reunion is being held wherever he happens to be standing right now.
The school is thrilled to have Mr. Chittick walking the parade. Apparently, for some reason, they want to be rid of him.
His nomination to lead the parade was submitted anonymously, but then traced to poor relatives awaiting their inheritance.
By leading the parade, Chittick will prove that you’re never too old to exercise… poor judgment.
Actually, walking the entire length of the parade is not Mr. Chittick’s biggest concern. His real worry is remembering the route back.
Nevada Governor Jim Gibbons, age 63, filed for divorce in May, and then, in just 1 month, sent more than 860 text messages to a woman he calls a longtime friend. The state immediately launched an investigation, since that much texting is proof that Gibbons must secretly be a teenager.
Thursday, June 5, 2008
Air Fair?
American Airlines said today that its new fees for checked bags beginning June 15 will not cause longer lines. Evidence already suggests that they are wrong, as passengers are already developing visible frown lines.
Customers will be charged $15 for their first checked bag, $25 for a second checked bag, and for a third, the airline just takes your bag, keeps it, and kicks you in the groin.
Experts say if you stand up to American Airlines just once, they will stop bothering you and will pick on someone else.
Since the California Supreme Court ruled that denying same-sex marriages is discriminatory, a lot of gay couples are rushing to get married. But Rosie O’Donnell, taking the high road on the controversial issue, says she and girlfriend Kelli Carpenter are not jumping on that bandwagon. She says they’ll wait until they can think of way to do it that will really piss off both Donald Trump and Barbara Walters at the same time.
In two separate stunts today, 2 different men scaled the 52-story New York skyscraper that is home to the NY Times. One hung a banner warning of the dangers of global warming. Neither hung a banner warning of the dangers of scaling a 52-story building.
Both daredevils were arrested. The charge wasn’t published. Could have been loitering. If the one climber left his banner on the wall, it could have been littering. If both men met somewhere in the middle without a permit, they could have got them for unlawful assembly.
Neither climber was injured, but the arrests were justified, seeing how they clearly defied the law of gravity.
One climber, Alain Robert, refers to himself as the “French Spiderman,” but in English, it translates closer to “Stupid French Show-off.”
Newspaper employees didn’t even notice the climbers, despite the fact that, from outside the building, it was easy to see that the New York Times was clearly slanting sharply to the left.
Actually, the Times blogged the stunts, but didn’t report them in the actual paper, because idiots trying to climb a building isn’t news.
Customers will be charged $15 for their first checked bag, $25 for a second checked bag, and for a third, the airline just takes your bag, keeps it, and kicks you in the groin.
Experts say if you stand up to American Airlines just once, they will stop bothering you and will pick on someone else.
Since the California Supreme Court ruled that denying same-sex marriages is discriminatory, a lot of gay couples are rushing to get married. But Rosie O’Donnell, taking the high road on the controversial issue, says she and girlfriend Kelli Carpenter are not jumping on that bandwagon. She says they’ll wait until they can think of way to do it that will really piss off both Donald Trump and Barbara Walters at the same time.
In two separate stunts today, 2 different men scaled the 52-story New York skyscraper that is home to the NY Times. One hung a banner warning of the dangers of global warming. Neither hung a banner warning of the dangers of scaling a 52-story building.
Both daredevils were arrested. The charge wasn’t published. Could have been loitering. If the one climber left his banner on the wall, it could have been littering. If both men met somewhere in the middle without a permit, they could have got them for unlawful assembly.
Neither climber was injured, but the arrests were justified, seeing how they clearly defied the law of gravity.
One climber, Alain Robert, refers to himself as the “French Spiderman,” but in English, it translates closer to “Stupid French Show-off.”
Newspaper employees didn’t even notice the climbers, despite the fact that, from outside the building, it was easy to see that the New York Times was clearly slanting sharply to the left.
Actually, the Times blogged the stunts, but didn’t report them in the actual paper, because idiots trying to climb a building isn’t news.
Tuesday, June 3, 2008
Potty Humor
The International Space Station has reported that there is a malfunction with their one working toilet. Houston, we have a problem.
The problems associated with this are obvious. There are no bushes in space.
The crew was using the Soyuz capsule’s toilet, but now Soyuz new policy says you have to be a paying customer to use their bathroom.
The cosmonauts onboard the station will use a jury-rigged system until either the Space Shuttle Discovery blasts off to rendezvous with them, or until the cosmonauts blast off, themselves.
After Discovery launches, it will have to be especially careful not to cross through any orbiting object’s slipstream.
A toxicology report released with the autopsy of the teenager attacked and killed by a tiger at The San Francisco Zoo in December, says that he had marijuana and alcohol in his system at the time. The teenager, not the tiger.
Substance abuse experts have long stated that pot is a gateway drug to tiger mauling deaths.
A teen alcohol abuse program has quickly adopted the new slogan: “Don’t drink, or you’ll be killed by a tiger.”
The New York City club scene is seeing a new form of “drug” use: young men are rubbing Preperation H hemorrhoid ointment onto their torsos to “shink” areas of skin to look slimmer or more fit. Those wearing it on their bodies, however, mostly just looked like assholes.
According to a New York nightclub blogger, this new trend for the over-the-counter and under-the-chassis medication is becoming more popular. The burning question is, “Does it really work?” Regular Preparation H users don’t care about the question; only the burning.
The investigation of this new fad, a far cry from normal use of relieving the pain and itch of hemorrhoids, was first reported by ABC News.com, who have just begun to scratch the surface.
The problems associated with this are obvious. There are no bushes in space.
The crew was using the Soyuz capsule’s toilet, but now Soyuz new policy says you have to be a paying customer to use their bathroom.
The cosmonauts onboard the station will use a jury-rigged system until either the Space Shuttle Discovery blasts off to rendezvous with them, or until the cosmonauts blast off, themselves.
After Discovery launches, it will have to be especially careful not to cross through any orbiting object’s slipstream.
A toxicology report released with the autopsy of the teenager attacked and killed by a tiger at The San Francisco Zoo in December, says that he had marijuana and alcohol in his system at the time. The teenager, not the tiger.
Substance abuse experts have long stated that pot is a gateway drug to tiger mauling deaths.
A teen alcohol abuse program has quickly adopted the new slogan: “Don’t drink, or you’ll be killed by a tiger.”
The New York City club scene is seeing a new form of “drug” use: young men are rubbing Preperation H hemorrhoid ointment onto their torsos to “shink” areas of skin to look slimmer or more fit. Those wearing it on their bodies, however, mostly just looked like assholes.
According to a New York nightclub blogger, this new trend for the over-the-counter and under-the-chassis medication is becoming more popular. The burning question is, “Does it really work?” Regular Preparation H users don’t care about the question; only the burning.
The investigation of this new fad, a far cry from normal use of relieving the pain and itch of hemorrhoids, was first reported by ABC News.com, who have just begun to scratch the surface.
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
Show Me the Money
Bad news for the Treasury Department today. A federal appeals court ruled that U.S. paper currency discriminates against the blind, because denominations cannot be determined without sight. As a result, The Treasury Department will immediately begin silently making faces and rude gestures at blind people.
The Treasury's Bureau of Printing and Engraving admits that there is no way for the blind to tell the difference between 1, 5, 10, and 20 dollar bills. However, the point may be moot. All we need are 5's. With inflation, 1's are all but useless, and with the recession, no one has any 10's and 20's.
While blind people have a point, the ACLA jumped on the bandwagon saying that different denominations of money really discriminate against the poor.
No one brought up minting new coins, but just by nature, people are always resistant to change.
The Treasury's Bureau of Printing and Engraving admits that there is no way for the blind to tell the difference between 1, 5, 10, and 20 dollar bills. However, the point may be moot. All we need are 5's. With inflation, 1's are all but useless, and with the recession, no one has any 10's and 20's.
While blind people have a point, the ACLA jumped on the bandwagon saying that different denominations of money really discriminate against the poor.
No one brought up minting new coins, but just by nature, people are always resistant to change.
Monday, May 19, 2008
Traffic Accident Causes Trucker to Toss his Cookies
Illinois state police reported today that a truck carrying 14 tons of double-stuffed Oreos overturned in an Interstate highway near Chicago. A replacement shipment has already been routed to the delivery truck's single destination: Oprah's house.
Many on-loookers described the scene of the accident as looking delicious.
Debris from the crash needs to be removed from both sides of the median in order to allow traffic to pass. In order to work faster to remove the cookies, authorities on hand were each issued an emergency glass of milk.
Many on-loookers described the scene of the accident as looking delicious.
Debris from the crash needs to be removed from both sides of the median in order to allow traffic to pass. In order to work faster to remove the cookies, authorities on hand were each issued an emergency glass of milk.
Friday, April 11, 2008
Vice President Dick Cheney is in a new series of White House publicity photos, but in one photo of the smiling VP in a small boat, his sunglasses reflect an image that some say looks like a nude woman. Experts say this is unlikely, since Cheney couldn’t reach a hospital from the boat in the event of an excitement-induced heart attack.
In North Carolina, a gas station experienced a sudden rush when the premium gas was mistakenly priced $0.35 instead of $3.35. They experienced an even bigger rush as soon as Californians heard that premium in North Carolina was “only” $3.35.
Verizon small business customers were mistakenly directed by the phone carrier’s website to a phone sex line instead of the customer service department. Verizon apologized, saying they were committed to servicing their own customers.
Cell phone customers who called this wrong number found that their handsets were stuck on vibrate for quite a while after.
The company issued a statement saying telling customers who called that line to get off as quickly as possible.
In North Carolina, a gas station experienced a sudden rush when the premium gas was mistakenly priced $0.35 instead of $3.35. They experienced an even bigger rush as soon as Californians heard that premium in North Carolina was “only” $3.35.
Verizon small business customers were mistakenly directed by the phone carrier’s website to a phone sex line instead of the customer service department. Verizon apologized, saying they were committed to servicing their own customers.
Cell phone customers who called this wrong number found that their handsets were stuck on vibrate for quite a while after.
The company issued a statement saying telling customers who called that line to get off as quickly as possible.
Thursday, April 10, 2008
A man with a prosthetic leg was convicted of stealing 3 rare and endangered baby iguanas and smuggling them in his leg. The man traveled all the way from California to the South Pacific islands to take the iguanas back to the U.S. That’s a long hop.
The iguanas will be sent back to the ecological preserve in Fiji, where they came from, and their kidnapper will have to find some way to foot the bill.
The man is set to be sentenced on July 14th. He may ask the judge for mercy, but obviously he doesn’t have a leg to stand on.
The iguanas are really double-victims here, since their natural habitat continues to be destroyed, as trees are cut down to make wooden legs.
The iguanas will be sent back to the ecological preserve in Fiji, where they came from, and their kidnapper will have to find some way to foot the bill.
The man is set to be sentenced on July 14th. He may ask the judge for mercy, but obviously he doesn’t have a leg to stand on.
The iguanas are really double-victims here, since their natural habitat continues to be destroyed, as trees are cut down to make wooden legs.
Monday, April 7, 2008
Tuesday, April 1, 2008
Speaking in Philadelphia, Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton likened herself to Rocky Balboa, saying she never gives up, and she’s going to make it to the top of the steps. I wonder if someone is going to remind Hillary that at the end of the movie, Rocky lost the fight.
It’s easy to see what Hillary has in common with Rocky, though. They are both dedicated, both willing to step into the ring against a tough opponent, and they both had the hots for Adrian.
The Associated Press reported today that the New York Yankees’ Alex Rodriguez makes more money himself than the entire Florida Marlins team. Yankees fans were left asking, “Who the hell is Florida Marlins?”
A-Rod’s salary is $28 million, not including any bonuses or endorsements. That means that even if he bats a .333 average, he is getting $18.6 million to be called “out.”
His salary is about 10 times the Major League Baseball player average, meaning you could hire a pro player to fill every field position and still have a designated hitter, for the same cost as A-rod alone. And they say there’s no “I” in the word “team!”
In new commercials, Subway spokesman Jared Fogle, who famously lost over 200 lbs. on a Subway sandwich diet, is being congratulated for keeping the weight off for 10 years. You know what else Jared has kept off for ten years? Women.
It’s easy to see what Hillary has in common with Rocky, though. They are both dedicated, both willing to step into the ring against a tough opponent, and they both had the hots for Adrian.
The Associated Press reported today that the New York Yankees’ Alex Rodriguez makes more money himself than the entire Florida Marlins team. Yankees fans were left asking, “Who the hell is Florida Marlins?”
A-Rod’s salary is $28 million, not including any bonuses or endorsements. That means that even if he bats a .333 average, he is getting $18.6 million to be called “out.”
His salary is about 10 times the Major League Baseball player average, meaning you could hire a pro player to fill every field position and still have a designated hitter, for the same cost as A-rod alone. And they say there’s no “I” in the word “team!”
In new commercials, Subway spokesman Jared Fogle, who famously lost over 200 lbs. on a Subway sandwich diet, is being congratulated for keeping the weight off for 10 years. You know what else Jared has kept off for ten years? Women.
Monday, March 31, 2008
A group of Japanese scientists have designed made-made molecules that successfully cured cirrhosis of the liver in lab rats. They hope to have a drug to reverse liver damage in humans within only a few years. It may take longer though, since the scientists have started spending most of their day getting drunk.
Paul McCartney’s ex, Heather Mills, will be among the celebrity judges for the Miss USA Pageant. Never a pageant queen, but a former model herself, Heather really understands what it means to go for the gold.
Other judges are actors Rob Schneider, Kristian Alfonso, and Kelly Carlson, as well as musician Joey Fatone, Olympic swimmer Amanda Beard, and the San Diego Chargers’ Shawne Merriman. Judges were selected based on strict criteria: they happened to be available that day.
Miss USA Pageant points out that contestants have to meet certain qualifications in order to participate. In a related story, judges do not.
Chelsea Clinton gathered enthusiastic crowds addressing students at 2 North Carolina colleges today. Less because the audiences were interested in Hillary Clinton, more because they mistook Chelsea for Miley Cyrus.
Woody Allen is suing American Apparel for using an unauthorized image of him from a frame from one of his films in a new billboard ad campaign in New York. Not surprisingly, New Yorkers are suing American Apparel for having to see a 20-foot-tall Woody Allen.
Paul McCartney’s ex, Heather Mills, will be among the celebrity judges for the Miss USA Pageant. Never a pageant queen, but a former model herself, Heather really understands what it means to go for the gold.
Other judges are actors Rob Schneider, Kristian Alfonso, and Kelly Carlson, as well as musician Joey Fatone, Olympic swimmer Amanda Beard, and the San Diego Chargers’ Shawne Merriman. Judges were selected based on strict criteria: they happened to be available that day.
Miss USA Pageant points out that contestants have to meet certain qualifications in order to participate. In a related story, judges do not.
Chelsea Clinton gathered enthusiastic crowds addressing students at 2 North Carolina colleges today. Less because the audiences were interested in Hillary Clinton, more because they mistook Chelsea for Miley Cyrus.
Woody Allen is suing American Apparel for using an unauthorized image of him from a frame from one of his films in a new billboard ad campaign in New York. Not surprisingly, New Yorkers are suing American Apparel for having to see a 20-foot-tall Woody Allen.
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
Odd News Today:
Two sisters from Virginia are selling a corn flake that looks like the state of Illinois on eBay. In a related story, all corn flakes are shaped like the state of Illinois.
Unless you turn it upside down. Then they look like Michigan.
The bid on it as of now is $255. What the bidder has apparently failed to realize is that the corn flake is not the actual size of Illinois.
A warning to all Internet auction participants: Be careful who you deal with online, especially when it comes to breakfast foods. You never know when you might encounter a cereal killer.
A woman at Munich airport was taken in by police when a scan of her luggage revealed the skeleton of her brother. She explained that it had been his wish to be buried in Italy, where she was headed. Some people will do anything to fly for free.
Once proper paperwork corroborated her story, the woman was allowed to travel with the bones. Officials had become worried, though, when airport security dogs were drooling over her suitcase.
The Hubble Space Telescope has detected the presence of methane gas in the atmosphere of a giant planet in a nearby solar system. NASA already has big questions about signs of life on the planet. Since methane is an organic gas, some scientists are already wondering, who farted?
Unless you turn it upside down. Then they look like Michigan.
The bid on it as of now is $255. What the bidder has apparently failed to realize is that the corn flake is not the actual size of Illinois.
A warning to all Internet auction participants: Be careful who you deal with online, especially when it comes to breakfast foods. You never know when you might encounter a cereal killer.
A woman at Munich airport was taken in by police when a scan of her luggage revealed the skeleton of her brother. She explained that it had been his wish to be buried in Italy, where she was headed. Some people will do anything to fly for free.
Once proper paperwork corroborated her story, the woman was allowed to travel with the bones. Officials had become worried, though, when airport security dogs were drooling over her suitcase.
The Hubble Space Telescope has detected the presence of methane gas in the atmosphere of a giant planet in a nearby solar system. NASA already has big questions about signs of life on the planet. Since methane is an organic gas, some scientists are already wondering, who farted?
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
The City Council of Detroit voted to call for the resignation of Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick over an affair with his former chief of Staff, Christine Beatty. The council charges that Kilpatrick lied, obfuscated the truth, and failed to govern effectively. This prompted all other politicians to collectively ask, “What’s your point?”
Some constituents have had a strong reaction to the allegations against their mayor, saying, for example, that he has disgraced their city. In his defense, though, we are talking about Detroit here.
Halle Berry and boyfriend Gabriel Aubry have named their new baby girl. Her name is Nahla Ariela Aubry. Congratulations to the happy couple on the birth of their daughter, and for winning the Most Vowels in One Name contest.
Gary Busey issued an apology for catching Jennifer Garner off-guard with a red-carpet embrace at the Oscars. He said, “I apologize… if I made her uncomfortable.” Sadly, Busey is unaware that he still makes everybody else uncomfortable.
Busey admits hugging a virtual stranger at an awards show is odd behavior, even for him. Usually, he just tackles people.
Astronauts aboard the Space Shuttle Endeavor used towels and duct tape to prevent moisture leakage from a component under the mid-deck floor yesterday. That’s combining American ingenuity with Russian space technology.
Yup. Towels and duct tape. The important repair mission is being hailed as “Operation Redneck.”
Some constituents have had a strong reaction to the allegations against their mayor, saying, for example, that he has disgraced their city. In his defense, though, we are talking about Detroit here.
Halle Berry and boyfriend Gabriel Aubry have named their new baby girl. Her name is Nahla Ariela Aubry. Congratulations to the happy couple on the birth of their daughter, and for winning the Most Vowels in One Name contest.
Gary Busey issued an apology for catching Jennifer Garner off-guard with a red-carpet embrace at the Oscars. He said, “I apologize… if I made her uncomfortable.” Sadly, Busey is unaware that he still makes everybody else uncomfortable.
Busey admits hugging a virtual stranger at an awards show is odd behavior, even for him. Usually, he just tackles people.
Astronauts aboard the Space Shuttle Endeavor used towels and duct tape to prevent moisture leakage from a component under the mid-deck floor yesterday. That’s combining American ingenuity with Russian space technology.
Yup. Towels and duct tape. The important repair mission is being hailed as “Operation Redneck.”
Monday, March 17, 2008
David Patterson was sworn in as the governor of New York today, after the resignation of scandalized Eliot Spitzer over the prostitution ring where he was known as “Client #9.” As Spitzer’s successor, Patterson hopes to distance himself from the scandal by ditching the nickname, “Client #10.”
Interestingly, Patterson is legally blind, which can be seen as a political advantage, at least when it comes to resisting attractive prostitutes.
Patterson is also New York’s first African-American governor. Which, again, being legally blind, was news to him.
The Paul McCartney/Heather Mills divorce was finally settled in a London court today, with Mills being awarded a total of $48.6 million. She is not expected to appeal the decision, which makes sense. She knows she wouldn’t have a leg to stand on.
Brad Pitt and former president Bill Clinton broke ground together today in a project to build affordable homes for victims of Hurricane Katrina. Pitt is participating as the founder of the Make It Right Foundation, and Clinton was in New Orleans anyway, having just wrapped up his mardi-gras partying.
Elton John is giving a concert to raise money for Hillary Clinton’s campaign. “I believe in the work that Hillary does,” Elton said as he discreetly sheltered some of his un-taxed assets, coifed his blonde streaked hair, and pretended to be straight.
Interestingly, Patterson is legally blind, which can be seen as a political advantage, at least when it comes to resisting attractive prostitutes.
Patterson is also New York’s first African-American governor. Which, again, being legally blind, was news to him.
The Paul McCartney/Heather Mills divorce was finally settled in a London court today, with Mills being awarded a total of $48.6 million. She is not expected to appeal the decision, which makes sense. She knows she wouldn’t have a leg to stand on.
Brad Pitt and former president Bill Clinton broke ground together today in a project to build affordable homes for victims of Hurricane Katrina. Pitt is participating as the founder of the Make It Right Foundation, and Clinton was in New Orleans anyway, having just wrapped up his mardi-gras partying.
Elton John is giving a concert to raise money for Hillary Clinton’s campaign. “I believe in the work that Hillary does,” Elton said as he discreetly sheltered some of his un-taxed assets, coifed his blonde streaked hair, and pretended to be straight.
Friday, March 14, 2008
The House of Representatives today passed a bill to set rules on government eavesdropping and wiretapping. At least, that’s what President Bush heard through his headphones in an adjacent, soundproof room.
The bill now goes to the Senate, where the White House will be monitoring its progress. In fact, you might say they will be watching and listening to its every move…
Warner Bros. announced this week that Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, the 7th and final book in the series, will be adapted into 2 movies. They will be shot simultaneously, but released a year apart so young fans can save up enough money for a 2nd movie ticket.
J.K. Rowling and her publisher are proud that the 2 movies should be able to keep more of the original story, and encouraged fans to support the idea of the 2 films buy buying a second copy of the book.
Rowling says she won’t see the films, because she’s been blinded by wealth.
Gulfstream Aerospace has announced their newest, largest, fastest private jet: the G650, which, starting at $58 million, can fly over 8,000 miles, and reach a speed of almost 700 mph. So, not only are the rich getting richer. They are getting richer, faster.
The roomier G650’s cabin is 8 ½ feet wide and 6’5” high. It can accommodate 18 passengers seated or 8 lying down. And if you’re with a high-powered executive, you’ll be more likely to be accommodated, the more willing you are to lie down.
Their marketing department says this jet is ideal for heads of state, CEO’s, or any man with a very small penis.
The bill now goes to the Senate, where the White House will be monitoring its progress. In fact, you might say they will be watching and listening to its every move…
Warner Bros. announced this week that Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, the 7th and final book in the series, will be adapted into 2 movies. They will be shot simultaneously, but released a year apart so young fans can save up enough money for a 2nd movie ticket.
J.K. Rowling and her publisher are proud that the 2 movies should be able to keep more of the original story, and encouraged fans to support the idea of the 2 films buy buying a second copy of the book.
Rowling says she won’t see the films, because she’s been blinded by wealth.
Gulfstream Aerospace has announced their newest, largest, fastest private jet: the G650, which, starting at $58 million, can fly over 8,000 miles, and reach a speed of almost 700 mph. So, not only are the rich getting richer. They are getting richer, faster.
The roomier G650’s cabin is 8 ½ feet wide and 6’5” high. It can accommodate 18 passengers seated or 8 lying down. And if you’re with a high-powered executive, you’ll be more likely to be accommodated, the more willing you are to lie down.
Their marketing department says this jet is ideal for heads of state, CEO’s, or any man with a very small penis.
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
New York Governor Eliot Spitzer is in the midst of a huge scandal over what appear to be multiple visits to a prostitute through an escort service. Newspapers such as the New York Daily News, Newsday, and the New York Post have all called for his resignation. Biggest shock: The New York Post is suddenly being called a news paper.
Spitzer is alleged to have paid $4,300 plus travel, hotel, and other expenses to a high-priced prostitute through a VIP escort service. This is the constant criticism of Democrats: spend, spend, spend.
It was the money trail that lead to the discovery of the governor’s alleged impropriety, and the investigation began with the IRS. That makes sense. It’s their job to make sure everybody gets screwed.
This is unexpected for a governor who built his reputation on ethics and fighting corruption. It’s not that we don’t expect politicians to engage in inappropriate sexual behavior anymore, it’s just that nowadays, we expect them to turn out to be gay.
A nationwide study has found that on average, 1 out of 4 American teenage girls has a sexually transmitted disease. A new resource to educate and create dialog among teen girls has formed: The Sexual Learning Understanding, and Testing program or SLUT.
Approximately half of the girls admitted to having sex at least once, and among that group, the rate of STD’s was 40%. The lesson here is clear. Guys, get with a virgin.
Looking at the bright side, nerds can finally use the excuse that they aren’t even trying to get laid.
This information will likely have a major effect on dating trends. Gone are the days of a high school boy taking a girl out to the malt shop to buy her a soda. Today, that guy is taking her to the clinic to buy her some penicillin.
Kid Rock attended a fundraiser and signed autographs today at an Atlanta suburb Waffle House restaurant where he was arrested for getting in a fight in October. In a vicious act of retaliation, rocker Tommy Lee rushed to shake hands and pose for pictures at an inner-city IHOP.
The fundraiser at the WaffleHouse was to benefit a local homeless shelter: a slightly shabbier Waffle House down the road.
Spitzer is alleged to have paid $4,300 plus travel, hotel, and other expenses to a high-priced prostitute through a VIP escort service. This is the constant criticism of Democrats: spend, spend, spend.
It was the money trail that lead to the discovery of the governor’s alleged impropriety, and the investigation began with the IRS. That makes sense. It’s their job to make sure everybody gets screwed.
This is unexpected for a governor who built his reputation on ethics and fighting corruption. It’s not that we don’t expect politicians to engage in inappropriate sexual behavior anymore, it’s just that nowadays, we expect them to turn out to be gay.
A nationwide study has found that on average, 1 out of 4 American teenage girls has a sexually transmitted disease. A new resource to educate and create dialog among teen girls has formed: The Sexual Learning Understanding, and Testing program or SLUT.
Approximately half of the girls admitted to having sex at least once, and among that group, the rate of STD’s was 40%. The lesson here is clear. Guys, get with a virgin.
Looking at the bright side, nerds can finally use the excuse that they aren’t even trying to get laid.
This information will likely have a major effect on dating trends. Gone are the days of a high school boy taking a girl out to the malt shop to buy her a soda. Today, that guy is taking her to the clinic to buy her some penicillin.
Kid Rock attended a fundraiser and signed autographs today at an Atlanta suburb Waffle House restaurant where he was arrested for getting in a fight in October. In a vicious act of retaliation, rocker Tommy Lee rushed to shake hands and pose for pictures at an inner-city IHOP.
The fundraiser at the WaffleHouse was to benefit a local homeless shelter: a slightly shabbier Waffle House down the road.
Tuesday, March 4, 2008
Arizona Congressman Rick Renzi pleaded not guilty today on a 35-count fraud, extortion, and money laundering federal indictment. Renzi told reporters, “I have… faith in my attorneys. I’ll be okay.” The congressman is not seeking reelection, a relief to his GOP colleagues, since neither “I have faith in my attorneys,” nor “I’ll be okay,” proved to be popular campaign slogans.
Gary Gygax, the co-creator of the fantasy role-playing game Dungeons & Dragons, has passed away. Sadly, he died at the age of 69. Even more sadly, legions of role-playing gamers expect him to be resurrected by magic.
A doctor’s report cites the cause of his death as Hit Points running down to zero, following complications from missing a Saving Throw.
Many of his gaming fans feel numb to his death, since they, themselves, have never known what it feels like to have a life.
Scientists’ research has shown patterns of memory loss following childbirth, which people are calling “momnesia.” Hormone levels, sleep deprivation, and mental priority changes all play a role. When interviewed about memory problems, most new mothers agreed, “Who am I?”
Researchers returned interview data related to sleep and day-to-day family priority shifts. However, when it came to questioning women about behavior changes due to hormones, none of those scientists are known to have survived.
Gary Gygax, the co-creator of the fantasy role-playing game Dungeons & Dragons, has passed away. Sadly, he died at the age of 69. Even more sadly, legions of role-playing gamers expect him to be resurrected by magic.
A doctor’s report cites the cause of his death as Hit Points running down to zero, following complications from missing a Saving Throw.
Many of his gaming fans feel numb to his death, since they, themselves, have never known what it feels like to have a life.
Scientists’ research has shown patterns of memory loss following childbirth, which people are calling “momnesia.” Hormone levels, sleep deprivation, and mental priority changes all play a role. When interviewed about memory problems, most new mothers agreed, “Who am I?”
Researchers returned interview data related to sleep and day-to-day family priority shifts. However, when it came to questioning women about behavior changes due to hormones, none of those scientists are known to have survived.
Monday, March 3, 2008
The Department of Homeland Security is set to review the screening of airport passengers, to make it less of a hassle. For starters, screeners will be given a chaise lounge and a bucket of popcorn.
To increase the detail level of scans, Homeland Security’s most popular suggestion so far: Blu-Ray and Hi Def X-Ray machines.
TV Chef Robert Irvine, of the Food Network’s Dinner: Impossible series will be let go at the end of the season for falsely claiming to have cooked for U.S. Presidents and British Royalty. The network says he betrayed the trust of their viewers. Even more shocking: the Food Network has viewers.
The FDA announced the recall of about 1,000 cases of Gorton’s Fish Sticks after a Pennsylvania family discovered pills inside a piece of fish. Federal agents are working to find out how the pills got in there. In a related story, fish having been coming forward, admitting to being drug addicts.
The FDA is also trying to determine what kind of pills were in the fish. So far, the only thing they’ve been able to rule out: Dramamine.
Gorton’s top competitor was quick with a new marketing strategy: "Try Van De Kamp’s Fish Sticks. The Only Brand You Can Buy Without A Prescription."
To increase the detail level of scans, Homeland Security’s most popular suggestion so far: Blu-Ray and Hi Def X-Ray machines.
TV Chef Robert Irvine, of the Food Network’s Dinner: Impossible series will be let go at the end of the season for falsely claiming to have cooked for U.S. Presidents and British Royalty. The network says he betrayed the trust of their viewers. Even more shocking: the Food Network has viewers.
The FDA announced the recall of about 1,000 cases of Gorton’s Fish Sticks after a Pennsylvania family discovered pills inside a piece of fish. Federal agents are working to find out how the pills got in there. In a related story, fish having been coming forward, admitting to being drug addicts.
The FDA is also trying to determine what kind of pills were in the fish. So far, the only thing they’ve been able to rule out: Dramamine.
Gorton’s top competitor was quick with a new marketing strategy: "Try Van De Kamp’s Fish Sticks. The Only Brand You Can Buy Without A Prescription."
Friday, February 22, 2008
GOP Congressman Rick Renzi of Arizona has been indicted on federal extortion, fraud, and other charges related to a pay-off for a land-swap deal. See, this is the difference between the 2 political parties. With a Republican, you get a land-swap scandal. With a Democrat, it’s a wife-swap scandal.
The indictment says Renzi ultimately collected $733,000 on a deal where he promised an investment group’s land swap legislation a “free pass” through the House Natural Resources Committee. In retrospect, Renzi may wish he exchanged that pass for a “get-out-of-jail-free-pass.”
In his defense, remember that Renzi is a member of the Natural Resources Committee. His alleged land deal payoff was almost ¾ of a million dollars, and the insurance fraud charge is over $400,000. Maybe the congressman considers those payoffs his Natural Resources.
Southern Methodist University has officially announced that it will house the George W. Bush presidential library. The National Archives and Records Administration will run the museum and library, and the Bush Foundation will collect the limerick and picture books.
Sources close to consumer advocate Ralph Nader say he may be considering a run for president this year. In 2000 he ran as the Green part candidate, as an independent in ’04, and if he runs again this year, it will be as the nominee of the Waste of Time Party.
Federal officials have announced that gray wolves are being removed from the endangered species list. These means wolf hunting is likely to begin, and environmentalists are worried the animals’ numbers will again be depleted. Even more worried: werewolves.
Farmers maintain that hunting to thin the numbers of gray wolves is necessary to protect their livestock. In a related story, packs of gray wolves have been seen rushing into drug stores to purchase hair dye.
The indictment says Renzi ultimately collected $733,000 on a deal where he promised an investment group’s land swap legislation a “free pass” through the House Natural Resources Committee. In retrospect, Renzi may wish he exchanged that pass for a “get-out-of-jail-free-pass.”
In his defense, remember that Renzi is a member of the Natural Resources Committee. His alleged land deal payoff was almost ¾ of a million dollars, and the insurance fraud charge is over $400,000. Maybe the congressman considers those payoffs his Natural Resources.
Southern Methodist University has officially announced that it will house the George W. Bush presidential library. The National Archives and Records Administration will run the museum and library, and the Bush Foundation will collect the limerick and picture books.
Sources close to consumer advocate Ralph Nader say he may be considering a run for president this year. In 2000 he ran as the Green part candidate, as an independent in ’04, and if he runs again this year, it will be as the nominee of the Waste of Time Party.
Federal officials have announced that gray wolves are being removed from the endangered species list. These means wolf hunting is likely to begin, and environmentalists are worried the animals’ numbers will again be depleted. Even more worried: werewolves.
Farmers maintain that hunting to thin the numbers of gray wolves is necessary to protect their livestock. In a related story, packs of gray wolves have been seen rushing into drug stores to purchase hair dye.
Thursday, February 21, 2008
John McCain found himself on the defensive today, over a story that alleges that he had an inappropriate relationship with a lobbyist. McCain denies it. Even Mike Huckabee says he doesn’t believe it. But McCain didn’t help himself when he referred to his marriage as his “years trapped as a prisoner of war.”
In New York, a man visiting a woman’s apartment was stabbed in the shoulder with a kitchen knife by her, after he called her ugly. My question is, if she was so ugly, what was he doing at her apartment?
Crime is never pretty, and, for what it’s worth, she’s now felony-assault-ugly. That’s pretty much the opposite end of the spectrum from drop-dead-gorgeous.
At the time of her arrest, the woman was considered neither armed nor dangerous, but police were warned not to look directly at her if they could help it.
Kirstie Alley says that she may litigate against the National Enquirer for saying she was fired from doing Jenny Craig commercials for going off the diet and gaining back all her weight. Kirstie says that isn’t true, and she is going to sue as soon as she finished this case of Twinkies.
The Enquirer has printed several stories based on rumors of Alley’s yo-yoing weight. They haven’t printed pictures, though, because they can’t fit her body across 2 pages.
Despite the Enquirer’s claims, it was Kirstie who decided to pursue other projects, and Jenny Craig backs her up, saying they had even tried to get her to stay on as their spokesperson by offering her a fat contract.
A downtown coffee house in Rockland, ME was cited for violating a town odor ordinance over the smell of the smoke from its coffee roasting process. Is this the most serious crime there? Maybe the city needs to cut down on the caffeine.
This is a business that has helped restore the downtown area as a center of the arts and culture, and you’re going to fine them, or push them out of business? Come on, wake up and smell the coffee.
In New York, a man visiting a woman’s apartment was stabbed in the shoulder with a kitchen knife by her, after he called her ugly. My question is, if she was so ugly, what was he doing at her apartment?
Crime is never pretty, and, for what it’s worth, she’s now felony-assault-ugly. That’s pretty much the opposite end of the spectrum from drop-dead-gorgeous.
At the time of her arrest, the woman was considered neither armed nor dangerous, but police were warned not to look directly at her if they could help it.
Kirstie Alley says that she may litigate against the National Enquirer for saying she was fired from doing Jenny Craig commercials for going off the diet and gaining back all her weight. Kirstie says that isn’t true, and she is going to sue as soon as she finished this case of Twinkies.
The Enquirer has printed several stories based on rumors of Alley’s yo-yoing weight. They haven’t printed pictures, though, because they can’t fit her body across 2 pages.
Despite the Enquirer’s claims, it was Kirstie who decided to pursue other projects, and Jenny Craig backs her up, saying they had even tried to get her to stay on as their spokesperson by offering her a fat contract.
A downtown coffee house in Rockland, ME was cited for violating a town odor ordinance over the smell of the smoke from its coffee roasting process. Is this the most serious crime there? Maybe the city needs to cut down on the caffeine.
This is a business that has helped restore the downtown area as a center of the arts and culture, and you’re going to fine them, or push them out of business? Come on, wake up and smell the coffee.
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
Forty-four states are pushing to develop more secure driver’s licenses and ID cards, in compliance with the new federal Real ID law. But, for security purposes, we can’t tell you the names of those 44 states.
The move is an attempt by the Dept. of Homeland Security to make it more difficult for would-be terrorists to get licenses. This makes sense because terrorists would never drive a bomb-filled vehicle into a building without a driver’s license.
Comedian Pauly Shore is suing his neighbor, horror filmmaker Wes Craven, for allegedly damaging his property with landscaping changes. I feel sorry for Wes Craven, but hey, whatever it takes to keep Pauly out of movies.
Craven is also suing Shore, who, prior to this case, has already been proven not to be funny.
The two should just duel using their respective talents. Craven could show how scary he can be with a new film, and Pauly can show how scary his comedy can be.
This past Sunday, a church in Florida issued an unusual challenge to its married members: to have sex every day for 30 days. Members were happy about the idea until the pastor further explained that the sex had to be with their own spouse.
The reason for the challenge is the high divorce rate, which church leaders say, can be helped through more sex and intimacy.
The idea came to him when he saw his congregation on their knees.
The pastor is helping in other ways, as well. At communion he is giving parishioners Viagra.
Some members of the church were so inspired by the message that they have already volunteered for a missionary position.
Officials of the Catholic Church have offered similar challenges in the past, only in this one, both partners are adults.
The move is an attempt by the Dept. of Homeland Security to make it more difficult for would-be terrorists to get licenses. This makes sense because terrorists would never drive a bomb-filled vehicle into a building without a driver’s license.
Comedian Pauly Shore is suing his neighbor, horror filmmaker Wes Craven, for allegedly damaging his property with landscaping changes. I feel sorry for Wes Craven, but hey, whatever it takes to keep Pauly out of movies.
Craven is also suing Shore, who, prior to this case, has already been proven not to be funny.
The two should just duel using their respective talents. Craven could show how scary he can be with a new film, and Pauly can show how scary his comedy can be.
This past Sunday, a church in Florida issued an unusual challenge to its married members: to have sex every day for 30 days. Members were happy about the idea until the pastor further explained that the sex had to be with their own spouse.
The reason for the challenge is the high divorce rate, which church leaders say, can be helped through more sex and intimacy.
The idea came to him when he saw his congregation on their knees.
The pastor is helping in other ways, as well. At communion he is giving parishioners Viagra.
Some members of the church were so inspired by the message that they have already volunteered for a missionary position.
Officials of the Catholic Church have offered similar challenges in the past, only in this one, both partners are adults.
Friday, February 15, 2008
We're back!
England’s Health Secretary urged putting fluoride in the tap water to encourage better dental health for the population there. Right now, only about 10% of England has fluoridated water, which is out of balance, because almost 50% of English people have teeth.
John Graham, an executive member of the National Pure Water Association, which opposes the change, says it’s a human rights violation; medicating without consent. Change is always scary, but what’s even scarier… is his smile.
Actress Bai Ling was arrested for shoplifting after waking out of an LAX shop with 2 magazines and a pack of batteries, which would have cost about $16. Isn’t that unbelievable? What nerve! Not Bai, the airport for charging so much for batteries.
Forget about the $16. The real crime here is that Bai Ling is getting all this free publicity.
In an interview on the Today show yesterday, Jane Fonda used a slang term relative to the topic of the play The Vagina Monologues, in which she was performing for charity. The word is not allowed to be used over the airwaves. She later apologized, saying, “I didn’t mean to blurt that out. I simply f**ked up.”
John Graham, an executive member of the National Pure Water Association, which opposes the change, says it’s a human rights violation; medicating without consent. Change is always scary, but what’s even scarier… is his smile.
Actress Bai Ling was arrested for shoplifting after waking out of an LAX shop with 2 magazines and a pack of batteries, which would have cost about $16. Isn’t that unbelievable? What nerve! Not Bai, the airport for charging so much for batteries.
Forget about the $16. The real crime here is that Bai Ling is getting all this free publicity.
In an interview on the Today show yesterday, Jane Fonda used a slang term relative to the topic of the play The Vagina Monologues, in which she was performing for charity. The word is not allowed to be used over the airwaves. She later apologized, saying, “I didn’t mean to blurt that out. I simply f**ked up.”
Thursday, February 14, 2008
The Strike is over!
The WGA Strike has ended, at last.
Time to get back to work, which means back to the News and the Riffs Comedy it inspires.
So, without further delay, on with the jokes... tomorrow.
Time to get back to work, which means back to the News and the Riffs Comedy it inspires.
So, without further delay, on with the jokes... tomorrow.
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