“Prints of the School”

http://www.usatoday.com/tech/news/surveillance/2010-10-29-1Aschoolbusfingerprints29_ST_N.htm

A San Diego area school district will begin testing finger-print scanners on school buses to make sure young students get off at the correct stops. The goal is to make school bus rides and stops even slower.

This teaches children an important lesson about the advancements in technology: It can do everything for you, so you don’t even need to learn your own address.

“Deep, Deep Trouble”

http://www.usatoday.com/news/nation/2010-10-28-oil-spill-cement_N.htm

Haliburton admitted Thursday that they skipped performing a critical test on the cement mix used to seal the BP oil well before it blew out, causing the Gulf spill disaster. Since the spill happened, Haliburton executives have spent much time congratulating each other on the high level of evil they have achieved.

Said a Haliburton rep, “Buwa Ha Ha Ha Ha hHa Ha…”

Haliburton’s admission only came following a Chevron test proving the cement mix was unstable. However, BP had ignored Haliburton’s recommendation to use more centralizers to aid in cement bonding. Both Halibuton and BP should have known what was needed to stabilize the under-sea well, 3 miles down, since both entities come from the depths of Hell.

“The TSA Is Very Hands-On”

http://www.usatoday.com/travel/flights/2010-10-29-tsa-pat-downs_N.htm

The Transportation Security Administration is changing the way they conduct airport passenger pat-down procedures. Screeners are changing from a patting to more of a hand-sliding motion. To make this more comfortable, all airports will pipe in Barry White music over the PA system.

Passengers who are suspected of carrying anything dangerous will be taken out of the line to be questioned and/or searched. Passengers who pass the point of the pat-down will get flowers and a call for a second date.

“Survey Says”

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/ondeadline/post/2010/10/pentagon-poll-most-us-troops-are-ok-with-gays-in-military-/1

A survey by the Pentagon finds that most U.S. military personnel aren’t bothered by the idea of gays serving. Especially the gay ones already serving.

The survey consisted of 103 questions and included over 400,000 active personnel, who were asked, and then told.

“Transforming Television”

http://www.usatoday.com/life/television/news/2010-10-29-transformers29_ST_N.htm

The Transformers will be coming back to TV in a new CG animated series called Transformers: Prime. It will feature well known and new characters. In the show, robots from another planet turn into vehicles who then turn into huge amounts of money.

“Cycle Testing”

http://www.usatoday.com/yourlife/health/medical/womenshealth/2010-10-28-women-period_N.htm

A study by the American Society for Reproductive medicine presented an MRI study this week that shows that hormones triggered by the stages of women’s menstrual cycles affect their emotional responses. Said a spokesperson: “Anyone can claim they have PMS, but proving it… is a bitch.”

The study was conducted on women at various stages of their monthly cycle by men who were smart enough to just shut the hell up.

“McDollars”

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/ondeadline/post/2010/10/brazilian-court-orders-mcdonalds-to-pay-ex-manager-for-added-pounds/1

A Brazilian court ordered McDonald’s to pay $17,500 to a former manager who gained 65 lbs. over 12 years of sample food for quality plus the benefit of free lunches. The man hasn’t said how he’ll spend the money, but now he hopes to get hired as the manager of a gym.

“Cops Shoot First, Review Footage Later”

http://www.usatoday.com/news/nation/2010-10-28-tasercams28_ST_N.htm

Police are mounting new video-cameras onto Tasers to make sure the stun weapons are not misused. Cops are worried that they won’t be able to draw the weapons until someone yells, “Action.”

Conversely, some cops my abuse the Taser Cams by insisting that a second or third take was needed for creative reasons.

Experts say that either crime will go down because of the Taser deterrent, or else all Taser stuns are going to go viral on YouTube.

Some critics have said that Tasers ‘ use amounts to excessive force, and even worse, the video from them lacks any sense of theme, visual storytelling, or character development.

“Mariah’s Carrying”

http://www.usatoday.com/life/people/2010-10-28-carey-cannon_N.htm

Mariah Carey announced that she and husband Nick Cannon are expecting a baby. Carey is having an assistant hold up her stomach until she can hire a nanny to do it.

Being pregnant seems to agree with her. Mariah said, “I already can’t wait to give all my love and nurturing to my wonderful new album – I mean baby.”

“James Cameron: Avatard”

http://www.usatoday.com/life/movies/news/2010-10-27-avatar_N.htm
James Cameron announced Wednesday that he will make 2 sequels to his blockbuster movie Avatar, with the first to be planned for a 2014 release. Now Cameron just has to decide which to Kevin Costner movies to base them on.

Easy money is that Bull Durham becomes Pandurham.

“Collection HomePlate”

http://sports.yahoo.com/mlb/blog/big_league_stew/post/Nuns-stand-to-profit-from-auction-of-rare-Honus-?urn=mlb-280320

In Baltimore, an order of nuns inherited an antique Pittsburgh Pirates baseball card expected to fetch at least $150,000 at auction. In honor of the card, the nuns will trade in their rulers and start hitting school children with bats.

“Rubbing It In”

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/ondeadline/post/2010/10/contraceptive-gel-/1
Researchers’ clinical trial results say that a once-a-day contraceptive gel could replace the birth control pill in 5 years. All women have to do is apply it to their skin. Said a skeptic, “Ah, there’s the rub.”

The gel only needs to be applied to the woman’s abdomen, legs, arms, or shoulders, which is easy for her to do herself. A man could do it for her, but he won’t be interested since it might seem like foreplay.

“Knee Cap”

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/ondeadline/post/2010/10/wake-up-call-colo-man-shoots-self-while-sleepwalking/1
On Tuesday, a Colorado man shots himself in the knee while sleepwalking in the middle of the night. The man was arrested as part of a sleeper cell.

The Sandman was then arrested as an accessory.

The man had taken prescription pain medication and then fallen asleep. The his gun was loaded, and needless to say, so was he.

The guy wasn’t too bright. He didn’t think he could shoot his leg because it was a hand gun.

Police say they believe the man’s sleepwalking story, but it isn’t bulletproof.

It just goes to show that if you think it’s safe to keep an unsecured, loaded gun in the house, you must be dreaming.

“Dope Donation”

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/ondeadline/post/2010/10/investor-soros-to-donate-1m-to-pass-calif-marijuana-bill/1

Billionaire investor George Soros is donating $1 million towards support for California’s Proposition 19, which would legalize growing and possession of marijuana. Soros doesn’t mind donating the money, which he says he only would have blown on pizza, Doritos and Big Gulps, anyway.

Soros’ donation is going to be used to generate high awareness.

Asked about what the vote means in terms of economics, raising tax money, and better use of law enforcement resources, Soros said nothing but kept giggling uncontrollably.

“Chinese Fortune”

http://news.xinhuanet.com/english2010/china/2010-10/26/c_13576310.htm

In China, a 10-year old boy who fell out of a 20^th floor window miraculously survived with no fractures. The odds of surviving were in his favor, since he had a one-in-a-billion chance.

The boy’s name was not released, but he was described as being short and slender, with straight black hair and brown eyes.

All of China was concerned when they heard about the child’s fall. At least, once they learned that it was a boy.

The Chinese government will help nurse the boy back to health, and then immediately force him to begin training as an Olympic pole-vaulter.

“Hokey Smokes!”

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/39857411

Cartoon artist Alexander Anderson Jr., creator of Rocky and Bullwinkle, has died at the age of 90. Fans suspect foul play by Boris and Natasha.

The Adventures of Rocky and Bullwinkle was made as a movie in the year 2000, starring Jason Alexander, Rene Russo, and Robert De Niro. Incredibly, Anderson survived that.

“Drug Co. to Pay Sick Fines”

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/ondeadline/post/2010/10/glaxo-fined-750m-for-20-tainted-or-ineffective-drugs/1

The British drug company GlaxoSmithKline will pay $750 million in criminal fines and civil damages for selling 20 different medications they knew to be tainted or ineffective. In a statement they said they were sorry, but that’s a hard pill to swallow.

To try to make up for the problems they caused, the company said they would be willing to take back any unused pills and replace them with free placebos.

The company seemed a little uncaring. Not only did their drugs not work, but just for their own amusement, they directed customers to take oral meds as suppositories.

“Bugging Out”

A Lansing man stuffed 16 live cockroaches into his mouth to break a Guinness world record and raise money for charity. The charity helps people stupid enough to shove bugs in their mouths.

Besides setting a world record, the event also provided solid proof that not everyone needs to have a hobby.

The cockroaches were not harmed in the stunt, but even they were grossed out.

The roaches were not eaten, but each of them counts their participation as having received oral.

“Jumping the Shark”

http://www.usatoday.com/news/nation/2010-10-25-shark25_ST_N.htm

Three Southern California beaches that closed due to a shark attack last week reopened Monday. Though some surfers are leery about returning, many die-hards were there to resume their passion, first thing, Monday morning. In particular, lifeguards are seeing a lot more surfing sharks.

Hoping to use the recent publicity to lure tourists, one of the spots has been re-named "Shark Attack Beach."

“Big Rigs’ New Rules”

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/driveon/post/2010/10/trucks-fuel-economy-rules-epa-mileage-standards/1

The White House has proposed new rules for fuel economy by big rigs, buses, and heavy-duty pick-up trucks starting in 2014. This shows great optimism by the Obama administration, in that they expect American industry, shipping, and travel to somehow survive the next 3 years.