Monday, March 31, 2008

A group of Japanese scientists have designed made-made molecules that successfully cured cirrhosis of the liver in lab rats. They hope to have a drug to reverse liver damage in humans within only a few years. It may take longer though, since the scientists have started spending most of their day getting drunk.

Paul McCartney’s ex, Heather Mills, will be among the celebrity judges for the Miss USA Pageant. Never a pageant queen, but a former model herself, Heather really understands what it means to go for the gold.

Other judges are actors Rob Schneider, Kristian Alfonso, and Kelly Carlson, as well as musician Joey Fatone, Olympic swimmer Amanda Beard, and the San Diego Chargers’ Shawne Merriman. Judges were selected based on strict criteria: they happened to be available that day.

Miss USA Pageant points out that contestants have to meet certain qualifications in order to participate. In a related story, judges do not.

Chelsea Clinton gathered enthusiastic crowds addressing students at 2 North Carolina colleges today. Less because the audiences were interested in Hillary Clinton, more because they mistook Chelsea for Miley Cyrus.

Woody Allen is suing American Apparel for using an unauthorized image of him from a frame from one of his films in a new billboard ad campaign in New York. Not surprisingly, New Yorkers are suing American Apparel for having to see a 20-foot-tall Woody Allen.

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

Odd News Today:

Two sisters from Virginia are selling a corn flake that looks like the state of Illinois on eBay. In a related story, all corn flakes are shaped like the state of Illinois.

Unless you turn it upside down. Then they look like Michigan.

The bid on it as of now is $255. What the bidder has apparently failed to realize is that the corn flake is not the actual size of Illinois.

A warning to all Internet auction participants: Be careful who you deal with online, especially when it comes to breakfast foods. You never know when you might encounter a cereal killer.

A woman at Munich airport was taken in by police when a scan of her luggage revealed the skeleton of her brother. She explained that it had been his wish to be buried in Italy, where she was headed. Some people will do anything to fly for free.

Once proper paperwork corroborated her story, the woman was allowed to travel with the bones. Officials had become worried, though, when airport security dogs were drooling over her suitcase.

The Hubble Space Telescope has detected the presence of methane gas in the atmosphere of a giant planet in a nearby solar system. NASA already has big questions about signs of life on the planet. Since methane is an organic gas, some scientists are already wondering, who farted?

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

The City Council of Detroit voted to call for the resignation of Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick over an affair with his former chief of Staff, Christine Beatty. The council charges that Kilpatrick lied, obfuscated the truth, and failed to govern effectively. This prompted all other politicians to collectively ask, “What’s your point?”

Some constituents have had a strong reaction to the allegations against their mayor, saying, for example, that he has disgraced their city. In his defense, though, we are talking about Detroit here.

Halle Berry and boyfriend Gabriel Aubry have named their new baby girl. Her name is Nahla Ariela Aubry. Congratulations to the happy couple on the birth of their daughter, and for winning the Most Vowels in One Name contest.

Gary Busey issued an apology for catching Jennifer Garner off-guard with a red-carpet embrace at the Oscars. He said, “I apologize… if I made her uncomfortable.” Sadly, Busey is unaware that he still makes everybody else uncomfortable.

Busey admits hugging a virtual stranger at an awards show is odd behavior, even for him. Usually, he just tackles people.

Astronauts aboard the Space Shuttle Endeavor used towels and duct tape to prevent moisture leakage from a component under the mid-deck floor yesterday. That’s combining American ingenuity with Russian space technology.

Yup. Towels and duct tape. The important repair mission is being hailed as “Operation Redneck.”

Monday, March 17, 2008

David Patterson was sworn in as the governor of New York today, after the resignation of scandalized Eliot Spitzer over the prostitution ring where he was known as “Client #9.” As Spitzer’s successor, Patterson hopes to distance himself from the scandal by ditching the nickname, “Client #10.”

Interestingly, Patterson is legally blind, which can be seen as a political advantage, at least when it comes to resisting attractive prostitutes.

Patterson is also New York’s first African-American governor. Which, again, being legally blind, was news to him.

The Paul McCartney/Heather Mills divorce was finally settled in a London court today, with Mills being awarded a total of $48.6 million. She is not expected to appeal the decision, which makes sense. She knows she wouldn’t have a leg to stand on.

Brad Pitt and former president Bill Clinton broke ground together today in a project to build affordable homes for victims of Hurricane Katrina. Pitt is participating as the founder of the Make It Right Foundation, and Clinton was in New Orleans anyway, having just wrapped up his mardi-gras partying.

Elton John is giving a concert to raise money for Hillary Clinton’s campaign. “I believe in the work that Hillary does,” Elton said as he discreetly sheltered some of his un-taxed assets, coifed his blonde streaked hair, and pretended to be straight.

Friday, March 14, 2008

The House of Representatives today passed a bill to set rules on government eavesdropping and wiretapping. At least, that’s what President Bush heard through his headphones in an adjacent, soundproof room.

The bill now goes to the Senate, where the White House will be monitoring its progress. In fact, you might say they will be watching and listening to its every move…

Warner Bros. announced this week that Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, the 7th and final book in the series, will be adapted into 2 movies. They will be shot simultaneously, but released a year apart so young fans can save up enough money for a 2nd movie ticket.

J.K. Rowling and her publisher are proud that the 2 movies should be able to keep more of the original story, and encouraged fans to support the idea of the 2 films buy buying a second copy of the book.

Rowling says she won’t see the films, because she’s been blinded by wealth.

Gulfstream Aerospace has announced their newest, largest, fastest private jet: the G650, which, starting at $58 million, can fly over 8,000 miles, and reach a speed of almost 700 mph. So, not only are the rich getting richer. They are getting richer, faster.

The roomier G650’s cabin is 8 ½ feet wide and 6’5” high. It can accommodate 18 passengers seated or 8 lying down. And if you’re with a high-powered executive, you’ll be more likely to be accommodated, the more willing you are to lie down.

Their marketing department says this jet is ideal for heads of state, CEO’s, or any man with a very small penis.

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

New York Governor Eliot Spitzer is in the midst of a huge scandal over what appear to be multiple visits to a prostitute through an escort service. Newspapers such as the New York Daily News, Newsday, and the New York Post have all called for his resignation. Biggest shock: The New York Post is suddenly being called a news paper.

Spitzer is alleged to have paid $4,300 plus travel, hotel, and other expenses to a high-priced prostitute through a VIP escort service. This is the constant criticism of Democrats: spend, spend, spend.

It was the money trail that lead to the discovery of the governor’s alleged impropriety, and the investigation began with the IRS. That makes sense. It’s their job to make sure everybody gets screwed.

This is unexpected for a governor who built his reputation on ethics and fighting corruption. It’s not that we don’t expect politicians to engage in inappropriate sexual behavior anymore, it’s just that nowadays, we expect them to turn out to be gay.

A nationwide study has found that on average, 1 out of 4 American teenage girls has a sexually transmitted disease. A new resource to educate and create dialog among teen girls has formed: The Sexual Learning Understanding, and Testing program or SLUT.

Approximately half of the girls admitted to having sex at least once, and among that group, the rate of STD’s was 40%. The lesson here is clear. Guys, get with a virgin.

Looking at the bright side, nerds can finally use the excuse that they aren’t even trying to get laid.

This information will likely have a major effect on dating trends. Gone are the days of a high school boy taking a girl out to the malt shop to buy her a soda. Today, that guy is taking her to the clinic to buy her some penicillin.

Kid Rock attended a fundraiser and signed autographs today at an Atlanta suburb Waffle House restaurant where he was arrested for getting in a fight in October. In a vicious act of retaliation, rocker Tommy Lee rushed to shake hands and pose for pictures at an inner-city IHOP.

The fundraiser at the WaffleHouse was to benefit a local homeless shelter: a slightly shabbier Waffle House down the road.

Tuesday, March 4, 2008

Arizona Congressman Rick Renzi pleaded not guilty today on a 35-count fraud, extortion, and money laundering federal indictment. Renzi told reporters, “I have… faith in my attorneys. I’ll be okay.” The congressman is not seeking reelection, a relief to his GOP colleagues, since neither “I have faith in my attorneys,” nor “I’ll be okay,” proved to be popular campaign slogans.

Gary Gygax, the co-creator of the fantasy role-playing game Dungeons & Dragons, has passed away. Sadly, he died at the age of 69. Even more sadly, legions of role-playing gamers expect him to be resurrected by magic.

A doctor’s report cites the cause of his death as Hit Points running down to zero, following complications from missing a Saving Throw.

Many of his gaming fans feel numb to his death, since they, themselves, have never known what it feels like to have a life.

Scientists’ research has shown patterns of memory loss following childbirth, which people are calling “momnesia.” Hormone levels, sleep deprivation, and mental priority changes all play a role. When interviewed about memory problems, most new mothers agreed, “Who am I?”

Researchers returned interview data related to sleep and day-to-day family priority shifts. However, when it came to questioning women about behavior changes due to hormones, none of those scientists are known to have survived.

Monday, March 3, 2008

The Department of Homeland Security is set to review the screening of airport passengers, to make it less of a hassle. For starters, screeners will be given a chaise lounge and a bucket of popcorn.

To increase the detail level of scans, Homeland Security’s most popular suggestion so far: Blu-Ray and Hi Def X-Ray machines.

TV Chef Robert Irvine, of the Food Network’s Dinner: Impossible series will be let go at the end of the season for falsely claiming to have cooked for U.S. Presidents and British Royalty. The network says he betrayed the trust of their viewers. Even more shocking: the Food Network has viewers.

The FDA announced the recall of about 1,000 cases of Gorton’s Fish Sticks after a Pennsylvania family discovered pills inside a piece of fish. Federal agents are working to find out how the pills got in there. In a related story, fish having been coming forward, admitting to being drug addicts.

The FDA is also trying to determine what kind of pills were in the fish. So far, the only thing they’ve been able to rule out: Dramamine.

Gorton’s top competitor was quick with a new marketing strategy: "Try Van De Kamp’s Fish Sticks. The Only Brand You Can Buy Without A Prescription."