Wednesday, December 12, 2007

The strike continues.

Just a quick news update; no comedy. So it's kind of like a regular post here.
The WGA is still on strike. So, respecting that, I will not be adding new jokes until the writers have a new contract agreement. Even though blog post are not covered by the WGA, i think it is important to take a stand against the exploitation of talent without fair compensation, regardless of the platform or medium.
Thank you for your support.
Until the strike ends, visitors are welcome to browse the archives for a laugh.
Thank you.

Monday, November 5, 2007

The WGA is on strike. I will be joining the picket line at CBS Radford Studios in Studio City, CA. Fair compensation for writers in all media!

Friday, November 2, 2007

The World Cancer Research Fund’s large-group, 5-year study has provided more evidence that fat is a big factor in the development of cancer. Oh, great. Do you realize how hard it’s gonna be, if anorexic person gets cancer now, to convince her she’s not fat?

The study points to the salt and nitrates in processed and smoked meats in particular, which have been linked to carcinogens. The processed meat industry dismissed the findings as “a bunch of baloney. Delicious, healthy baloney.”

The American Institute for Cancer Research recommends eating 18 oz. or less red meat per week, avoiding processed meats, exercising 30 minutes a day, and limiting alcoholic beverages to 1 or 2 per day, at which point America as a whole said, Wait, wait; we’ll just take the cancer.



Speaking of fat, Britain has become the heaviest nation in Europe, with a rising 23% obesity rate among its population. We should have seen the warning signs, in popular literature. Turns out everyone at Hogwarts wears cloaks and robes because they can’t fit into trousers.



NASA announced that as early as Friday, astronauts may attempt a space-walk to fix the damaged solar panel, which tore Tuesday as it unfurled. The hastily planned repair is described as risky and unprecedented. NASA officials, meanwhile, are super-excited, as this is the coolest space-mission story since Apollo 13.



Rolling Stone magazine is celebrating its fortieth birthday this week with a commemorative issue and several parties. The commemorative issue was needed as they start having trouble remembering things, and the parties will include healthy snacks and bingo, and will be over by 10pm.



In a speech about health care, President Bush made a joking reference to Vice President Dick Cheney as Darth Vader. As if to show he has a sense of humor, Cheney began laughing for several seconds as Bush seemed to be strangled by an invisible hand.

Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Happy Blog-Day! 500 Joke Anniversary

Former James Bond actor Pierce Brosnan may face battery charges for allegedly hitting a photographer at a mall in Malibu. The evidence is already stacking against Brosnan. Following the incident, the photographer was visibly shaken… not stirred.

"500 JOKES AND COUNTING"



Scientists studying fear, its causes and responses are making progress in understanding how fear is triggered in the brain. They maintain that some fear is healthy and necessary as a survival tool. In a related story… Boo!

According to the National Institute of Mental Health, 40 million Americans suffer from anxiety disorders. A spokesman for the afflicted said, in a prepared statement, “I can’t take it anymore. There’s no way out. We’re doomed! DOOMED!”



Ohio’s Ashland University had a team of analysts testing for lead in children’s products, resulting in the recall of a set of Halloween novelty teeth. It’s weird when the toy monster teeth turn out to be scarier than any actual monsters, isn’t it?

The orange, crooked teeth, called “Ugly Teeth” were pulled from store shelves just today. One store employee, fearing the effects of lead, tried to remove a set from a customer’s mouth. Fortunately, the man wasn’t wearing the fake ugly teeth, he was just British.

Monday, October 29, 2007

The Supreme Court is considering an appeal of the $2.5 billion punitive damages award against Exxon Mobil over the 1989 Exxon Valdez spill of 11 million gallons of crude oil. Exxon’s lawyers are really clever. They say, since global warming had raised ocean water levels, the oil to water ratio is far less.

The lawyers went on to say that Exxon Mobil should actually be rewarded for preserving the environment by preventing wildlife from completely overrunning the area.



Following President Bush’s recent healthcare bill veto, Congressional Democrats are strategizing a compromise bill with Republicans to get the two-thirds majority needed to override it. The new bill would grant healthcare to all poor children as long as they invest in blue-chip stocks and carry a hand-gun.



A pastor in Lexington, KY is having all members of his congregation send letters of support to Britney Spears. “As a church, let's love Britney the way Jesus loves her." That’s a nice idea, but isn’t it possible that some church members want to love Britney in a different way?

The plan lost it's steam a bit, however, when Britney took off after hitting and damaging a parked car that tuned out to belong to Jesus.

"No preaching. No criticizing. Just love,” the pastor said in his sermon. So the obvious things not to mention are her divorce, parenting, alcohol, drug abuse, court orders, driver’s license, hit-and-run, her dancing, her singing, or hair extensions.

We all know Britney has had her share of troubles lately. Imagine having two little ones that are getting bigger and bigger every day, but you can’t even see them. But enough about her lips.

Thursday, October 25, 2007

President Bush visited California’s wild-fire ravaged land today, visiting with many people who lost their homes. Vice President Cheney was not there, but has been very emotional over the fires, as they have made him homesick for the brimstone he remembers from the pits of hell.

Bush was escorted by Governor Arnold Schwarzeneggar. Bush was glad to see the efforts California is already making to help the displaced and injured. He was also relieved to see Schwarzeneggar was okay after his apparent death at the end of Terminator 3.

The president was asked to compare the federal response to the fires to that of Hurricane Katrina. Bush declined to make a comparison, which shows he’s not as dumb as everybody thinks he is.



James Watson, the DNA scientist and Nobel prize winner whose inflammatory remarks about black people’s intelligence got him suspended from his New York laboratory, has retired from his post effective immediately. Asked if he thought his comments were wrong, he admitted, “Yes. What I said was so stupid, I must be black.”



Al-Qaida is angry at the Al-Jazeera television network, over excerpts of an Osama bin Laden audio tape aired by the network. You can hardly blame them. The quality of that tape was awful.

The terrorist organization is angry over excerpts aired which appear to criticize mistakes made among iraq’s insurgency. We do not yet know if Al-Qaida is suicide-bomb-them-off-the-face-of-the-earth angry, or just mortar-shell-them angry.

Meanwhile, Bin Laden’s tape, as always, shot to the number one spot on both the Genocidal Maniac and Murderous Sociopath music charts.

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

Monday, October 22, 2007

Kid Rock got into a fight at a Waffle House this morning. A verbal confrontation between Rock and another customer became physical in the parking lot, where a restaurant window was smashed, police were called, and both men were arrested by the end of the incident. Or as Kid Rock calls it, “Monday.”

The scuffle had nothing to do with Rock personally, nor his music or celebrity. But it was time for a fight at the Waffle House, and it was his turn.

On the upside, isn’t it nice to know that Kid Rock’s money hasn’t changed him?

Actually, I’m a little surprised Kid Rock goes to Waffle House. You can’t buy a 40 oz. there.



The Colorado Rockies suspended ticket sales to the World Series earlier today, after online sales crashed their computer system. Computer experts outside Colorado saw this coming. They all agree Rockies in the World Series simply does not compute.

Within 2 hours of the tickets going on sale exclusively online, fans couldn’t get onto the website. No one knows the cause of the crash. In a related story, sounds of suspicious snickering have been reported to be coming from computer nerds at MIT in Boston.



In China, a 106-year-old man just got married to an 81-year-old woman. There wedding vows went, “To have and to hold, from this day forward, ‘til…Tuesday.”

The happy couple will be spending their Honeymoon at Viagra Falls.




Did David Cop-A-Feel?

David Copperfield is being investigated by the FBI over allegations that he forced himself on a woman in Las Vegas.

A lot of questions have come up, like did David touch the woman inappropriately, or was it just a sleight of hand?

No evidence has been released by thre FBI, but Copperfield is alleged to have done it with smoke and mirrors.

Perhaps, if there was intimate contact between the two, it was consentual, or what is known among magicians as “hocus pokus.”

Thursday, October 18, 2007

The entire principal cast of J.J. Abrams upcoming Star Trek movie has been announced, filling thousands of nerdy 20-and-30something Star Trek fans with a wave of euphoria as powerful as their first sexual experience. Which they haven’t had yet.



President Bush caused a stir today when he told reporters that if Iran had nuclear weapons, he bluntly stated that it could lead to World War III. Both his supporters and his critics had to admit they were impressed, however, that he got the number right.



The president defended last week’s health-care bill veto, saying it was too big a step towards government-run health care. Senate Majority leader Harry Reid said, “It is… disingenuous for President Bush to lecture Congress.” Bush then tried to veto the use of big words.



Kansas senator and Republican presidential candidate Sam Brownback is dropping out of the race, according to a source close to his campaign. This news was most shocking to his family and the 3 other people who had heard of him.



Britney Spears has had even her visitation rights with her two sons suspended, due to non-compliance with a court order not specified in the Superior Court ruling. Music industry experts speculate that the court order had something to do with singing lessons and losing ten pounds.

Adding insult to injury, her two toddlers think Mommy’s new album is crap.

Monday, October 15, 2007

In an effort to change her party-girl image, Paris Hilton is headed for Rwanda. She’ll definitely be taken a lot more seriously after she sleeps with a bunch of Rwandan guys.

She will be there on a charity mission for five whole days, visiting schools and health care clinics. The pattern is; meet and greet with kids, get an STD treatment, kids, STD treatment…

The entire trip will be filmed, because if there is one thing that Rwanda can do for the world, it’s focus some attention on Paris Hilton.

Paris had a comment on her storied dating life as well, saying, “I’ve been linked to so many guys, but there’s nothing romantic going on at all.” Relationship experts agree: there’s nothing romantic about drunk, stranger-sex on a men’s room floor at The Palms.



Two of O.J. Simpson’s co-defendants from last month’s hotel room armed robbery case have made deals with prosecutors to testify against Simpson in his trial. The two men may or may not help the D.A.’s case, but one thing is certain. O.J. will kill them.



The World War II veteran that recovered Hitler’s globe from his Bavarian home in 1945 is putting it up for auction, where it is expected to fetch $15-20,000. It would be worth even more, but Hitler’s Axis fell apart over 60 years ago.

The bad news is: that the globe could be in better condition. The good news is: Hitler’s dead.



Britney Spears is said to have had less involvement on her newest album than on previous discs. Well, they say this is true of all musicians: their songs really are like their children to them.

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

The Center for Environmental Health reported today that they have given legal notices to major retailers who have been selling products found to have high levels of lead. The stores included Wal-Mart, Target, K-Mart, Sears, Costco, and not surprisingly, All Things Lead.

The fact that lead is so prevalent despite government regulations is bad news for reatilaer and consumers. Good news for alchemists, though.

Lead has been found to be dangerous in toys if swallowed or sucked on by young children, and even more so in bullets if you are shot with one.

Congress has introduced new legislation to impose tighter restrictions on lead use, mostly intended to foil the plans of any criminal mastermind trying to conceal things from Superman’s X-Ray vision.
Good work, Congress.



Wonton Food, the largest fortune cookie maker in the U.S., has added some cautious messages to their rotation of fortunes, such as “Today is a disastrous day…” and, “It’s over your head now. …Get some professional help.” Still, it isn’t as bad the classic cookie message, “Eat me.”

So far there have not been many complaints from customers, except for one who admitted being surprised to open a cookie to a handwritten message that said, “I peed in your rice.”

The one thing Chinese restaurant patrons have found annoying is when they open a fortune cookie, and before they can read their fortune, they are solicited to refinance their mortgage.



David Hasselhoff has been hospitalized for detox. He was rushed to L.A.’s Cedars-Sinai Medical Center, but appeared on camera to be moving in slow motion.

It should be noted that Hasselhoff, a worldwide celebrity as a movie, TV, and recording star, has battled with alcoholism since long before Britney and Lindsey made it so trendy.



Congratulations to Jennifer Lopez, who is pregnant. In fact, she is expecting twins. And this time, that doesn’t refer to her ass.



Britney Spears new album, Blackout, is being released two weeks early, due to songs already spilling out on to the Internet. This is not without precedent. Audiences will of course remember Britney herself recently spilling out of her outfit on the VMA’s.

Her label, Jive Records, of course, condemns any illegal downloading or distribution of songs. They say that the only illegal activities they can condone are parked car hit-and runs, driving without a license, controlled substance abuse, and child endangerment.

Britney’s first single from the album, “Gimme More,” is already up to number 3 on Billboard.. But Britney is looking more and more like number two.

Blackout, the title of the album, is a reference to Britney’s favorite drinking hobby.



Starbucks has recalled 250,000 plastic cups for children, due to concerns that they could break and pose a choking hazard. Parents who purchased the $6 cups can either get a refund or use the money as a down payment on a Starbucks drink.

Tuesday, October 9, 2007

Comb the Desert:

At the Hair Restoration Convention in Las Vegas, doctors have been discussing developing technologies and methods to replace hair. No wonder Donald Trump is moving in on Las Vegas.

The implications of this are far-reaching. Think of it: Ron Howard could stop wearing baseball caps. Steven Van Zandt could retire his head scarves!

This may even mean that there will soon be a cure for the Mohawk.



Democrats in Congress are getting ready to unveil a bill that would require records of all government electronic surveillance conducted without a court order. If they’ve discussed any of it over the phone, though, President Bush already knows all about it.

Critics of Bush’s wiretapping are quick to forget the Clinton White House. That guy tapped everything.



Researchers report that a migraine pill called Topomax has been useful to alcoholics trying to quit drinking. In a study, heavy drinkers using the pill had greater success if they tried to quit. If they just took the pill and didn’t try to quit drinking, at least they were cured of their hangover headaches.

Some participants dropped out of the study because of strong side effects such as drowsiness and dizziness. My question is how could they tell?

For those that stayed in the study, side effects included not passing out, un-slurred speech and single-vision.

On the downside, among those given placebo pills, 50% are now addicted to them.



A lesbian couple who married in 2004 in Massachusetts, but lives in Rhode island, are having trouble trying to divorce. They aren’t Mass. Residents, so they can’t file there, and R.I. has no laws recognizing or outlawing same-sex marriages. What happened to the old days, when lesbian love lasted forever?

Some say that it doesn’t matter; that it isn’t a real marriage. And others argue that Rhode Island isn’t a real state.

The women are taking their case to the R.I. State Supreme Court, but the court says it is not their place to legislate on gay marriage. Their job is to enforce laws and uphold the penal system.

Even if they can’t get a legal divorce, they could just divide up their property, and agree that they each get to keep their own, original mullet.

For those unfamiliar with Rhode Island, it is our nations smallest state, boasts a large seafood industry, and thus is a haven for anyone who loves clams.

Monday, October 8, 2007

Today is Columbus Day, which always draws attention to the famed sailor/explorer, and still churns up controversy. I hear the latest is that there is no evidence that he came to America legally.

Speaking of Columbus, protesters showed up and blocked the route of a city parade to honor the historic figure in Denver, CO. This forced the parade participants to sail all the way around the southern tip of Africa to get to Asia.

Columbus has become a figure of much dispute, from Native Americans who argue that he can’t be credited with “discovering” a land with indigenous people and culture. Even more than that, he is despised by the Flat Earth Society.



Over the weekend Pamela Anderson got married to Paris Hilton’s ex-boyfriend Rick Salomon, who infamously made a sex tape with Hilton, allegedly without her permission. Asked why she married Saloman, Pamela said that after Kid Rock, he was her only way to sink lower.

Anderson’s own sex video with ex-husband Tommy Lee was also widely publicized, and these two getting married is pretty much the amateur porn equivelant of Alien vs. Predator: there’s nothing interesting about the story, and no one to root for, but people still want to see the two of them go at it.




Martha Stewart dedicated an outpatient clinic for the elderly today in a ribbon-cutting ceremony in New York. The $5 million facility can only provide care for 2 to 4 people, but will do so in amazing style with vibrant surroundings.

When outpatients no longer need the care of the facility, Martha will set them up with jobs in a textile sweatshop.



Lindsay Lohan checked out of a drug and alcohol treatment program today. Lohan seemed optimistic upon leaving the Utah rehab facility, and is already looking forward to going straight back to doing drugs and alcohol.

For her misdemeanor drunk driving and cocaine charge in August, Lohan must perform community service. So, as a service to the community, she won’t be in any movies for a while.

Although, I personally would like to see her in a pre-rehab reality show called Lindsay Lohan: Fully Loaded.

Wednesday, October 3, 2007

Wal-Mart will have to pay another $62 million in damages to workers whose pay had been withheld, on top of a $78.5 million judgment for an employee class-action suit. However, since it’s a Wal-Mart suit, it will likely fall apart the first time it’s worn.

The individual employees will get anywhere from around $50 up to a few thousand, depending on their hours, and wage rate. For most, this will enable them to, for the first time, shop somewhere other than Wal-Mart.

The judge ruled that employees working through their breaks had to be compensated, even though Wal-Mart says they worked voluntarily. Who’s going to believe that? In America, most people don’t even work when they’re working.

A spokesperson for Wal-Mart says that the company discourages employees from working on breaks, and disciplines managers who allow it. The spokesperson issued the statement from her office, where she was shackled and chained to a wall.

Wal-Mart isn’t worried, though. They will make up the lost profits by staying committed to offering inferior products to their customers, every day.



U.S. Capitol Police reported 4 suspicious fires occurring in 4 different Senate office buildings. There were no injuries, but since it occurred in Senate offices, the most obvious explanation so far is, “Liar, liar, pants on fire.”

Monday, October 1, 2007

In the city of Fond Du Lac, WI, an unknown person has been stealing all the toilet paper from all the men’s restrooms in the City County Government Center. Who says you can’t fight city hall?

Courthouse officials are on the lookout for anyone who seems to be going out on a roll.

The only suspect so far is a government employee whose legal papers are all quilted.

The city thinks it is just as matter of time before the thief is flushed out.

Everyone at the government center has been affected. In court, lawyers are working harder to hold their objections.

There’s sort of a supply-and-demand principle at work here, now, too, and it’s affecting people’s sympathy and compassion. If someone giving testimony gets weepy-eyed, now no one offers them a tissue.

In no coincidence, the city is also going through double the normal supply of loose leaf and steno paper.



Sadly, Britney Spears has lost custody of her 2 children, ages 1 and 2, at least until further court order. Britney blames herself, because after her appearance at MTV’s VMA’s last month, she said she wished to lose 40 lbs.

Her ex-husband Kevin Federline was awarded custody of the 2 boys following an unspecified oral motion made by his attorneys. “Unspecified oral motion” also sounds like a music critic trying to describe his last rap album without hurting his feelings.

I just feel bad for the boys… because their dad is Kevin Federline.



A British art gallery closed a photo exhibit owned by Sir Elton John, at his request, after controversy over a picture of two nude young girls, which was removed from the exhibit. Controversy or no, everyone is just glad the nude pictures were not of Elton John.



Beyonce Knowles has cancelled her planned concert in Malaysia, where laws require female performers to be completely covered from the shoulders to the knees. In a related story, all of Malaysia’s teenage boys are preparing a revolution.

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

Longtime Chicago Cubs fans, a Mr. and Mrs. Fields, have named their new baby boy Wrigley, after the home stadium of the Cubs. The parents have already said that when the boy gets older, he can use his middle name if he wants, or just change his last name to Spearmint.

The parents actually thought of the name the moment their son was born and the doctor swatted him on his bottom. He had two balls, one strike.

Congratulations also to older brother Battle and sisters Air and Wheat.



Somebody stole a pet rabbit from its cage at a Spokane, WA pre-school. Either that or a magic trick in the school talent show went terribly wrong.

Police suspect a faked kidnapping, as evidenced by the ransom demand for 1 carrot.

A witness description of the rabbit as a "long-eared, buck-toothed, fur-bearing rodent" led to stalking charges against the witness, one Yosemite Sam.



Math and reading scores are up, nationally, according to standardized tests. Math scores jumped from 213 to 240 on 4th grade tests on average, an improvement of, like, 100 points.

Eighth graders test sores improved noticeably, overall, ad they are more motivated than ever to appear smarter than a fifth grader.



Keifer Sutherland was arrested early Tuesday morning on drunk driving charges. Just as he was pulled over, an announcer’s voice-over was heard to say, “The following takes place between 0.8 and 1.6 blood alcohol level.”
Presumed innocent until proven guilty, its possible Keifer had been drugged by counter-intelligence double agents, who were trying to set him up for a few days in jail, 5 years probation, and probably some community service.

Friday, September 21, 2007

Toy maker Mattel issued an apology today to China, for damaging its reputation amid recent toy recalls. Unfortunately, the apology was coated with lead-based paint.

Mattel’s executives discussed the necessity to gather together with Chinese government officials in a memo, which quoted the old adage: Some assembly required.

China felt pretty beaten up by the media over the recalls, but they did not complain about that to Mattel. Among the tot-related topics they discussed, battery was not included.

Thursday, September 20, 2007

Professional golf has announced an anti-doping policy, banning steroids and other performance enhancing drugs. Also, no more rocket fuel in the golf carts.

Sure, everyone knows steroids have been a huge problem in golf for years. The worst of it came in the 1982 PGA Tour, when Jack Nicklaus shot a hole in one without using club and then went on a killing spree.

Then there was the U.S. Open, 4 years ago, when Tiger Woods turned his 3 iron into a 9 with his bare hands and then chewed the head of his driver into a putter.

In actuality, there has been evidence of golfers taking performance enhancing drugs. But then again, they may just be cleverly hiding it behind their knickers and white gloves.

The World Golf Foundation, worried that golf may be less exciting without steroid-pumped athletes, has made another rule change that all caddies will be required to be drunk to keep things interesting.

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

In her ongoing child custody battle, Britney Spears now has been given a court order for drug testing. Sadly, she won’t be testing a drug that promotes hair re-growth.

Both Britney and ex-husband Kevin Federline are required to complete a “Parenting without Conflict” class, and were ordered to keep off drugs. In the interest of justice, they were also ordered to keep off MTV.

Britney was also ordered by the judge to refrain from drinking alcohol. Not for child custody; just to help her get rid of her beer belly.



Biologists have solved the mystery of where sea-turtle hatchlings disappear to for up to 5 years before returning close to home to live out their lives. It turns out they swim out to the open water of the ocean. The research was conducted by the Center for Obvious Studies.

These are turtles, right? The famously slow-moving animals? This was a mystery for 50 years. No one could try to follow them? You wouldn’t even need to be a fast swimmer. All you need is an air tank and some weights to keep from outrunning them.

And gee… the ocean. What a surprise. No one ever thought that sea turtles might have swum out to sea? Where did they think they were going, Vegas?

The real surprise of the discovery is that the juvenile sea-turtles, who were previously thought to be lifelong vegetarians, live on an all meat diet. Well, sure. When you’re young you don’t think about fat intake, cholesterol, etc.

As mature adults, sea-turtles eat sea grasses. Of course. By then, they realize they need more fiber.

The change starts right about the time they start telling their kids that their music is too loud.

So the kids swim off to the ocean.



The Juice is loose!

O.J. Simpson was released from jail today, on $125,000 bail. I think the judge set the amount too high. If you’re going to put O.J. back on the streets, you don’t want him mad!

His girlfriend was in court when O.J. faced the judge. The pretty young blond didn’t say anything, but you can’t blame her for not wanting to stick her neck out.

Regarding the armed robbery incident in Las Vegas over his sports memorabilia, Simpson is facing 10 felony charges, which may be a new NFL and personal record! Congratulations, O.J.!

All kidding aside, O.J., don’t kill me.

Monday, September 17, 2007

O.J. Simpson was arrested Sunday, following an incident in Las Vegas, where Simpson and gun-toting friends allegedly stormed into a hotel room and demanded collectible items that O.J. claimed were his own personal sports memorabilia. Since when are a pair of gloves and a knife considered sports memorabilia?

Simpson was allegedly trying to recover items from his football career, not because of any sentimentality, but because he has heard that on E-Bay, you can really make a killing.

Simpson was held without bail in Las Vegas, on charges ranging from robbery, burglary and conspiracy to assault with a deadly weapon. Simpson says the whole thing was just a stunt to promote his new book, “If I Robbed and Assaulted You at Gunpoint.”

Simpson alleges that the only reason he burst into the hotel room was he was looking for ‘the real killers.’

The Las Vegas collectors were not injured, even though, at one point they fell or were knocked to the ground. Luckily, they landed on a soft, round, flabby Britney Spears.

It’s a shame to think of the how far O.J. has fallen, arrested for robbery and burglary charges. It seems like only yesterday that the youth of America could look up to him as a true cold-blooded murderer.



Ashton Kutcher was among celebrities attending a Kabbalah conference in Israel. Kutcher said that Kabbalah answered important questions about life for him, and has made him a better actor, proving for certain that it doesn’t work.

Other celebrities including Rosie O’Donnell were also there, which is ironic, since Whoopi Goldberg is the one with the Jewish name.

Madonna was there, calling herself an “ambassador for Judaism.” Apparently, she considered her 2003 VMA open-mouth kiss with Britney Spears her Bat-Mitzvah.

Madonna then went on to officially pronounce pork kosher.

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

A federal district judge has struck down a new rule requiring New York fast food restaurants to post calorie content on menus. This victory had the restaurant industry jumping for joy. Their customers were also happy, but too heavy to jump.

The New York State Restaurant Association said the rule was unconstitutional, so they exercised their right to challenge it in court. In fact, in the fast food industry, this is the only exercise they know.

To hear the ruling, fast food connoisseurs crowded into the courtroom, which was standing-room-only. Actually, there were only 4 people, but they took up the whole room and couldn’t fit in the chairs.



Britney Spears has had a great deal of attention over her body at the MTV Video music Awards Sunday night. She’s been called her everything from out-of-shape to fat. Luckily, with the rough year she’s had, Britney is ready to get herself into a really good eating disorder.

Even though she may not have abs of steel anymore, she still has a really good figure. And her fans have to remember that she is now the mother of 2 children. Of course, it would be nice if Britney remembered that.



In Minnesota, a home-owner and burglar got into a scuffle, whereupon the burglar’s shirt ripped, and then his pants, underwear and shoes came off in a tackle attempt, forcing him to run away naked. Luckily, it was just an unarmed burglary, not a stick-up.

Since the burglar got away with no loot, authorities had no need to search his sack.

The burglar was caught and arrested for burglary and not concealing his weapon.

He probably will be found guilty. He was caught red-handed, among other things.

It is unknown if the burglar will hire his own lawyer or rely on a pubic defender.

If convicted, his sentence could be severe, according to the penal code.

There could be a dramatic turn in court, though, as the defense already has a new wrinkle.

Friday, September 7, 2007

A female passenger on a Southwest Airlines flight was escorted off a plane for wearing a tank top and miniskirt that another passenger complained was too revealing. How revealing was it? Let’s just say that the chairs weren’t the only thing in their full upright position during takeoff.

How can the airlines start to impose such strict dress code standards? Have you been through airport security lately? Take off your jacket, remove your belt. It’s practically a strip tease.



According to USA today, a national education trend toward virtual schools has grown to include 25 states. That’s good, because all graduates can find anymore are virtual jobs.

It also means that in order for school yard bullies to remain effective, they are going to have to become computer-hacking nerds.

Just remember, in the computer age, it costs $2000 to give an Apple to the teacher.

Biggest advantage to virtual school is actually gym class. Two words: video games.



Paris Hilton is suing Hallmark, saying they used her image and catch phrase, “That’s hot,” without her consent. She is sending her lawyer to hand-deliver a cease- and-desist order personally, because she cares enough to send the very best.

The Paris cards sell for $2.49, which Paris found insulting. Why pay two-and-a-half bucks for an un-authorized picture of me, when you could just sleep with me for free?

Paris is mostly upset because they are greeting cards, not get out of jail free cards.

Thursday, September 6, 2007

According to a new report, the Transportation Security Administration’s airplane cargo hold security practices are severely lacking. In fact, the Department of Homeland Security feels that safety and inspections are so bad, they thought Chinese toy factories were running it.



Congress is consideration legislation to require paper ballots in national elections, due to concerns about potential technical problems with more high-tech voting machines. Paper ballots make sense, since most of the candidates are cardboard cutouts anyway.

Everyone wants a fair vote, but there are opponents who say cost of a system-wide national change back to paper is a big issue. And obviously, the trees don’t get a vote.

All this may be a little too anti-technology. For example, look at absentee computer ballots. Under the new law, online voters will have to write on their flat-panel screen with a Sharpie.



Britney Spears will appear on MTV’s Video Music Awards this Sunday, mainly because she hasn’t been getting enough attention from the media.

In a related story, Kevin Federline is asking MTV to pay him a large fee, or else he’ll show up and rap.

Brit is scheduled to perform a new song called “Gimme More,” which we can speculate is about her still re-growing hair.

Fans might remember Britney's other famous MTV Awards appearances, with the python, and the kiss with Madonna. You know, back when she was thin and pretty.

Ever the concerned mother, Britney has yet to decide if, during her performance, she should let her 2 young boys get drunk backstage, or just wait in the car, unattended.



In Maine, a 65-year old woman wishing to buy wine at a local supermarket was turned away because she didn’t have a legal ID with her. Either the clerk was really a stickler for the rules, or he was trying to get a little cougar action.

Apparently it wasn’t good enough to prove her age by being able to recall where she was when President Lincoln was shot.

She had other proof of her age. Her iPod is filled with Lawrence Welk.

She was disappointed not to have been able to get her wine, because she was on her way to party! And by party, I mean, a bingo parlor.

Luckily, her grandchildren knew a place where they don’t card anybody.

The woman was reassured when she visited a senior community center the next day, and the group activity was making fake ID's.

Wednesday, September 5, 2007

Former senator and actor Fred Thompson has officially announced his run for the presidency. Initial polling showed that if the election were held today, more people would vote for Thompson than any other cast member from Law & Order SVU, except Ice-T.



China’s new health minister said in his first news conference today that everyone can have confidence that products made in his country are safe. It being his first news conference, maybe he didn’t realize his comments were likely to be repeated.

In China, most citizens agree with this opinion—because that’s the law.

With so much negative attention on China’s exports, it’s good to know that they are soon to start welcoming some new imports pertaining to safety: common sense and sound judgment.

The Health Minister said Americans were just hypersensitive to safety concerns, and compared that over-sensitivity to an allergic reaction. Well, our health professionals have another name for that allergy: lead poisoning.

He said, "I want to tell everyone that they can have confidence in the quality of Chinese products and food safety." He then ended the news conference by pulling his hood back up over his skeletal head, picking up his scythe, and floating away.

Tuesday, September 4, 2007

From Today's news: Tuesday, Sept. 4, 2007

Jerry Lewis issued an apology today, for letting slip an anti-gay epithet during his annual MDA Telethon. He said in his apology that he made a bad choice of words, and he’s never known a gay man who wasn’t a ni-iice la-a-dy.

The telethon raised a record $63 million to fight muscular dystrophy and help Jerry’s Kids. Or, as he calls them, Jerry’s Straight Kids.

I think we have to forgive Jerry Lewis. Remember, he’s cherished and admired in France. What could be more gay than that?



Spiderman star Tobey Maguire married his long-time girlfriend yesterday. I guess Spidey’s swinging days are over.

If you want to know how wild their honeymoon is going, I hear they are all over the web.



Mattel has announced more recalls of toys produced in China. Collectors are ecstatic. The harder these toys are to get, the more valuable they will be.

The new batch of recalled toys includes lead-tainted Barbie Accessories. Items containing lead, if sucked on or swallowed, can cause serious damage. Barbie can tell you. It’s why Ken has no genitals.

This is another costly blow to Mattel. It’s getting pretty bad. In fact, today Barbie sold her Malibu mansion and is now living in her purple Mustang GT convertible.

Monday, September 3, 2007

From Today's news: Monday, Sept. 3, 2007

Harvard doctors are testing new treatments for bipolar disorder. Some scientists are optimistic that new treatments will be more effective than anything prior. Others, however, felt doomed to conduct anonymous research for the rest of their sad, pathetic lives.

The National Institute of Mental Health are treating manic-depressive patients with a patch using the same drug commonly used for sea or airsickness. It helped the depressed patients, but the manic ones just got in their boats and planes and sailed or flew away.



Several beaches along the New Jersey shore had to be closed in the middle of the busy holiday weekend because of hazardous medical waste washing up on shore. Even sadder than the ruined vacations for beach visitors: many of these people have to live in New Jersey.

The waste and trash found on beaches included syringes, gauze, and tampon applicators. No one knows the source of the waste, according to the only witness, a heroin-addicted, Egyptian mummy on her period.

It’s a shame when people’s day at the beach is ruined by anything so gross and disturbing. In a related story, hundreds were seen screaming and running away from an old, fat guy in a Speedo.



The winner of Friday’s Mega Millions estimated $330 million jackpot says that upon buying his 2 tickets, he made a vow that he would teach his wiccan beliefs to others if he won. But only one ticket won, so since the other didn’t, deal’s off!

Actually God, Himself knew that at odds of 176 million to 1, this guy really had a chance in hell.

My question is, why should he settle for wicca? Now that he’s rich, he could buy his way up pretty high in scientology.



NASA conducted an internal investigation in response to an external report that 2 astronauts showed up for space flights while intoxicated. The investigation found the report to be false, and NASA considers the matter closed. Good thing they never gave a breathalyzer to those chimps.

Thursday, August 30, 2007

Astronomers have discovered a big hole in the universe, and have no explanation so far for how or why it came to be there. Then they remembered that one day the universe got snagged on the corner of that file cabinet, and the hole probably just grew from there.

The massive void is 1 billion light years across, containing no stars, black holes, not even dark matter. Just nothing. For the sake of measuring the nothingness, scholars are comparing it to our Iraq War exit strategy.

The scientific community, awed by the sheer lack of substance of the hole, plan to use this phenomenon to learn more about the inside of Paris Hilton’s head.



Two towns in Louisiana have passed a ban on wearing pants that sag to show a persons underwear or bare skin. At last we will see an end to the crime wave caused by refrigerator repairmen.

Violation of the law could result in a fine and community service. Further, any adult male wearing tighty whities will be shot on sight.

The law does send a powerful message to today’s youth. Just say no to crack.

Opposition says they will fight the new law and not give up. At least for now, there is no end in sight.

Critics fear the first case brought to court, where the prosecutor tells jurors that they have to check out Exhibit A.

Of course, special permits will be issued to superheroes who wear their underwear on the outside.

Wednesday, August 29, 2007

From Today's news: Wednesday, Aug. 29, 2007

The late “Queen of Mean” Leona Helmsley’s last will and testament was made public today. In it, she left millions of dollars to her brother, 2 of her 4 grandchildren, and a $12 million trust fund to her dog, a female Maltese named Trouble. Wow. What a bitch. The dog, I mean. She’s one lucky little bitch.



David Letterman will make his first appearance on The Oprah Winfrey Show next month. Obviously, he is appearing to announce their engagement.

To prove beyond any dispute that their marriage plans are real, Letterman will jump up on the couch to declare his love for Oprah.




During the Miss Teen USA Pageant this week, Miss South Carolina flubbed answering to why a fifth of Americans can’t find the U.S. on a map. Her stammering has since become such a huge YouTube sensation; she has already been recruited as a new White House speech writer.

She grasped at straws, mentioning education in Iraq, South Africa, and Asian countries. More composed this morning on the Today show, she pointed out that since the pageant, she has learned that none of those countries are in North Carolina.

She still won 3rd runner-up, overall. So she doesn’t get the big scholarship money, but has learned from the experience. In the future, everywhere she goes, she will always have cue cards.

Tuesday, August 28, 2007

From Today's News (Part 2)

Idaho’s senior Senator, Larry Craig ha spoken out about his arrest and guilty plea for disorderly conduct involving soliciting an undercover policeman in an airport bathroom in June. He says the incident was a misunderstanding. He went into the Men’s room hoping to meet a man who wasn’t a cop.

Craig said today in a statement that he is not gay, and he’s got a hand-job waiting for any man who can prove otherwise.

Craig had been the Senate liaison for Mitt Romney’s presidential campaign. Amid the controversy, however, he has stepped down. Or, at least, dropped to his knees.



The Census Bureau revealed today that in 2006, 47 million Americans lacked health insurance. Just thinking about that made me feel sick.

Improvements to the current, broken system just seem like a band-aid. But the band-aid isn’t covered under our HMO.


Andrew Ahlering, the L.A. County employee who led The Committee to Recall (Sheriff) Lee Baca over the Paris Hilton jail sentence ordeal, has resigned. Ahlering said he is looking forward to going back to private life and having his plates run every time a sheriff’s deputy sees his car.

Ahlering said that in trying to raise money to campaign for the recall, he had raised less than $100. At that rate, he may as well pocket the money. It’s not like people get jail time over that amount with Lee Baca in charge.

His petition accused Sheriff Baca of giving special treatment to celebrities. Somehow, L.A. restaurants, nightclubs, fashion houses, movie studios, and TV networks failed to support Ahlering’s cause.

Of the 400,000 signatures needed to get the recall on the ballot, Ahlering said that he had been able to get only 40. So I’m guessing a career in politics is probably not in his future, either.



Live With Regis and Kelly is celebrating 20 years on the air. Every year the show is nominated for the best talk show Emmy award, but has never won. Isn’t not having to see Kathy Lee Gifford every day reward enough?

From Today's News: Tuesday, Aug. 28, 2007

The story broke today that Senator Larry Craig of Idaho pleaded guilty to a misdemeanor charge of disorderly conduct after trying to initiate lewd conduct with an undercover policeman in an airport bathroom back in June. Though the details have finally come out, the senator has not.

The police officer stated that Senator Craig ran his hand under the stall several times, and peeked through the crack in the partition at the officer inside. Maybe he was looking for a campaign contribution.

Senator Craig said he just bent down to pick up a piece of paper, but the officer said there was no paper on the floor. Here, I have to side with the senator. Have you ever seen an airport bathroom where there wasn’t paper on the floor?

The senator had moved his foot into the next stall, touching the officer’s foot with his own. The senator later tried to explain that his foot touched because he has a wide stance when going to the bathroom. Sounds like a pretty big stretch.

Not only is that a terrible defense for a senator, it’s a very disturbing visual. Even if that’s true, that should still warrant an Ethics Committee investigation.

Despite pleading guilty, Senator Craig, a conservative known for voting against same-sex marriages and other gay-rights issues, says he did nothing wrong and that his actions were misinterpreted by the officer. The hunky, hunky officer.

Craig, age 62, is married, has 3 grown children, and 9 grandchildren. Of course, you can learn more details by checking out his profile on PublicBathroomManLove.com.

Craig is up for re-election in 2008. Based on this scandal, it is unknown at this point if he plans, in the future, to offer up his seat.

With the guilty plea and the moral blot on his record, Craig’s best strategy to gain support and win reelection is simple: run as a Democrat.

Friday, August 24, 2007

From Today's News: Friday, Aug. 24, 2007

The Big Mac is celebrating it’s 40th anniversary, and is even getting a museum featuring memorabilia, Big Mac-themed exhibits, and a giant statue, 14 feet tall. Aren’t we taking this super-sizing thing a little too far?

The museum restaurant is located in North Huntington, PA. All are welcome whose butts can still fit through the door.

It’s amazing to think that the owner of a Uniontown, PA Micky D’s invented the Big Mac for his franchise in 1967. What’s even more amazing is that he’s still alive!

Today’s Big Mac still uses the same classic recipe from the jingle: 2 all-beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions, on a Sesame seed bun. If that sounds too indulgent to you, you can always take off the lettuce.

Still one of McDonald’s most popular items, the Big Mac contains 540 calories and 29 grams of fat. The Double Quarter Pounder has 740 calories and 42 gram of fat. Or for 99 cents more, they’ll just use a grounding wire to stop your heart for you.

This is why the prize in the new grown-ups’ Happy Meal will be a free pace-maker.

One of the popular attractions at the museum will be a display of Big Mac’s natural enemies: Raw vegetables, low-fat protein alternatives like soy, and of course, a defibrillator.

Why does the Big Mac get a museum? Why doesn’t McDonalds erect a monument to the people whom Big Mac’s have slowly killed?

How about just naming a freeway, bridge, or tunnel after them? They can call it the Clogged Artery.



Ex-astronaut Lisa Nowak, who infamously assaulted a romantic rival and wore diapers to drive cross-country and get to her former flame faster, has asked a judge for her ankle monitor be removed. Best compromise: give her a reality show. All the semi-famous do it, the public scrutiny is already there, and the cameras make sure she doesn’t pepper spray anyone. It’s win-win!



Brian May, guitarist from the band Queen, has completed his doctorate in astrophysics at London’s Imperial College. The success of the band forced him to delay his studies more than 30 years. Like any rock star working on proving his astrophysics theories, May is a little spaced out.

His thesis involved proving that the rotation of the earth was affected by the mass of the people on it, particularly women. In other words: fat bottomed girls make the rockin world go ‘round.
In memory of Queen’s lead singer, May wanted a celestial body named after him. From now on, the first planet from the sun will be known as Mercury.



Graco Children’s Products has issued a safety alert regarding certain child car seat models. I didn’t read the story, but based on so many recent recalls, I assume it was made in China, contains lead, and should not be eaten.

Thursday, August 23, 2007

From Today's News: Thursday, Aug. 23, 2007

Lindsay Lohan got a 1day jail sentence as part of a plea bargain on drunk driving and cocaine charges today. One day? Paris Hilton is pissed!

Speaking of Paris, her partner in crime, so to speak, Nicole Richie served 82 minutes of her 4-day DUI sentence. In related story, Lindsay Lohan is pissed.

Eighty two minutes. I think that’s too harsh. I think Nicole should only have gotten 15 minutes and not a second more. No, wait. I’m thinking about her fame.

Of the many unfortunate circumstances surrounding the jail sentences of Paris, Nicole, and Lindsay, the worst is that real criminals don’t even get street cred for getting locked up any more.



Mel Gibson’s attorney reported to a judge today that Gibson was following the rules of his probation, brought about by his infamous drunk driving arrest and corresponding anti-Semitic tirade last July. If people like Mel are good at anything, it’s following orders and goose-stepping.



The job company Monster.com has admitted that Internet crooks were able to steal basic identity information by enticing 1.3 million Monster users to click fake web-links. Guess there’s going to be quite a few new job openings at Monster.com, eh?



Scientists have calculated that Tyrannosaurus Rex, despite its huge bulk, were still quite fast, able to run at up to 18 miles per hour, much faster than a human. I don’t know how useful that research is; until they also know how fast a T-Rex could drive.

The study used computers loaded with biomechanics information to determine the running speeds of several extinct species. The next round will clock electable middle-of-the-road politicians.

The scientists said, that as long as they are getting paid, they can also tell you who is faster: a unicorn or a Pegasus.

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

Today's Oddest News: Wednesday, Aug. 22, 2007

This is the kind of news I am always proud to report. It’s almost too good to be true:
At the Edinburgh Fringe Festival, in a show called Circus of Horrors, a performer who happens to be a dwarf got his penis stuck to a vacuum cleaner in an act gone wrong. Which leaves one to wonder: what would have been the act gone right?

Wow. A vacuum stuck on a dwarf penis . That sucks-- but only a very little bit.

Adding insult to injury, I heard the vacuum cleaner was just a dust-buster.

I guess some men really do love their machines.

The dwarf was rushed to the hospital, but spectators were in the most immediate danger, as they almost died laughing.

According to eyewitnesses, it was a bagless unit. And so was the vacuum.

En route to the hospital, the dwarf was advised that everything would be best if he didn’t get excited.

Though he was embarrassed, the performer was not seriously injured. It just turns out he’s not half the man he thought he was.

He also wondered if he would be able to perform in the future. Or do his act.

The dwarf kept procrastinating to have the vacuum pulled off, until hospital staff demanded to know, “How long are we going to drag this out?”

Doctors at the hospital were eventually able to remove the vacuum cleaner, but for a while, it was a close shave.

It seems the vacuum cleaner attachment had broken, was glued back together, and then the glue stuck to the dwarf’s anatomy during his (ahem) performance. Had the glue been allowed to try, the vacuum cleaner would have worked fine, but instead, now it’s screwed.

Luckily for all involved, as dramatically as this story began, it ended with no climax.

The dwarf says that he feels the incident actually benefited him, but that might be a stretch.

For this news story, I’d like to thank the vacuum, and the dwarf who had a small part in it.

Tuesday, August 21, 2007

From Today's News: Tuesday, Aug. 21, 2007

In Oregon, two 13 year old boys were cleared of charges for swatting several same-age girls on the behind at school. Originally the boys faced felony sexual abuse charges. They were suspended from school and spent five days in juvenile detention. Meanwhile, a new law in the town defines “Spin the Bottle” as gang rape.

“Seven Minutes in Heaven” will now get you Seven-to-Ten in Maximum Security.

Also, all mistletoe is being confiscated before Christmas, before it claims any more victims.

Four of the girls asked that the charges be dropped, and a civil compromise was reached instead, where each girl received an apology and $250. The girls were then immediately arrested for prostitution.



According to a national survey, one in four Americans did not read any books last year. Most didn’t have time. These are Americans; they were too busy eating.

There was more to this story, but I decided to wait until it’s on TV to find out more.

The survey gives a breakdown of readership of popular genres. That can be difficult to measure, as some books cross over. Like Bill Clinton’s autobiography is part politics, part pornography.



Wal-Mart has recalled 2 brands of dog treats, both made in China, over customers’ complaints that the snacks made their pets sick. Wal-Mart is now conducting independent tests on the products, which means, feeding them to illegal employees to see what happens.

China has issued a statement saying that they are very embarrassed to learn that any of the products they export are sold at Wal-Mart.

On the other hand, you have to know the chicken-jerky for dogs sold at Wal-Mart to be loaded with artificial ingredients and preservatives. You think that’s going to be healthy? You’re lucky it’s even legal!

Why would you give that to a dog? Forget about nutrition. Anything with that many chemicals has to be dangerous.

In fact, a closer look at the box revealed a few warnings:
(Translated from the Chinese label)
Not intended for consumption.
Keep product away from children and adults.
Do not remove from original container.
Do not give to live animals.
Not for indoor use.
Do not expose to sunlight.
Do not handle without protective gloves and goggles.
Avoid prolonged exposure.
Side effects may include glowing in the dark.
No not shake or get product wet. – Keep away from dogs mouths.

Monday, August 20, 2007

From Today's News: Monday, Aug. 20, 2007

A China Airways jumbo jet burst into flames after landing and coming to a stop at the airport in Okinawa, Japan--luckily, everyone aboard evacuated and are fine. The fire’s cause is unknown, but the first suspicion was that before landing, somebody didn’t put his or her chair back in the full, upright position.

Even thoough all 165 people aboard got out safely, one flight attendant was left to wonder if she left the coffee pot on.

Most of the passengers slid down emergency chutes and ran away from the plane. But first class passengers took specially made escalators to their waiting limousines.

Many passengers feared that their luggage was destroyed, but it wasn’t. Not surprisingly, their bags were on a plane to Newark.



A salt-cured ham from Spain costing about $2100 per leg is being called the world’s most expensive pork. Apparently, nobody bothered to check Heidi Fleiss’s old ledgers.



Luciano Pavoratti, who was hospitalized earlier this month with a high fever, will remain in hospital care for several more days, for more tests. As for the bank note secured to pay for his medical bills, the facility assured Pavoratti that he could hold the note.



About 11 extras fell off of a slow-moving truck on the set of Tom Cruise’s next movie, a World War II thriller filming in Germany. All the other extras were fine, because they agreed to go to the Scientology meeting, like Tom asked them to.

Friday, August 17, 2007

From Today's news: Friday, Aug. 17, 2007

A Canadian mother gave birth to identical quadruplet girls, it was reported yesterday. No fertility drugs were used by the parents to conceive. And I don’t think they are going to start now.

Four identical baby girls. In your face, Olsen twins!



The National Snow and Ice Data Center reported that sea ice in the Arctic is at it’s lowest level on record, ever. I heard about this and I was shocked. There’s a National Snow and Ice Data Center???

The center is based in Colorado, which makes sense. That’s where most of the national snow and ice is.

My first question about their Arctic findings is, what the hell were they doing there? The Arctic isn’t even part of the nation!

And to all the environmentalists who have been warning about global warming causing a water shortage, here’s the proof that you were wrong. All that melted snow and ice is now water. So bring back the aerosol cans and factory smoke stacks!

On a more serious note, the melting does cause a major chain reaction of events with far reaching consequences. For example, it could be disastrous to the ice fishing industry.



Britney Spears is on the cover of the new Allure magazine out Tuesday, but she stood up the interviewer for the written piece 4 times. So in the issue, you will see a glamorous image on the outside, and nothing at all on the inside. At last, the world will understand her.

Thursday, August 16, 2007

From Today's News: Thursday, Aug.16, 2007

Jenna Bush, daughter of the president, has gotten engaged. The White House released a 3-sentence announcement to that effect today. That doesn’t seem right. Marriage isn’t a 3-sentence thing. It’s more of a life sentence.

So young Jenna is engaged. That’s one more Bush off the market.

Word spread quickly that the president and First Lady are very happy for the betrothed. In fact, the president can’t wait for the wedding, because confetti is bad for the environment.

Her fiancé is Henry Hager, whose family has ties to the Bushes and other high ranking Republicans. So the engagement is a bit of a surprise to some. I mean, why buy the cow when you can get the government contracts for free?

Rumor has it that Jenna has been wanting to get married since November 2004, but Henry kept chanting, “Four more years! Four more years.”



Regarding the space shuttle Endeavour, the good news is that based on careful testing by the crew, the gouge torn into the heat shield of the shuttle will not need to be repaired until it returns to Earth. The bad news is, we still have to pay for the service call, anyway.



Paris Hilton debuted her new clothing line of jeans, t-shirts, and shoes at a trendy L.A. boutique today, with a throng of fans on site. So if you ever wanted to get into Paris’ jeans, now – oh, who hasn’t?

Paris doesn’t seem that confident about how the jeans will sell. Sources already say, depending on her cash flow, she probably would be willing to drop her pants.



A couple in China wants to name their new baby “@,” as in, the sign used in email addresses. Apparently, the sound, “at” approximates a Mandarin word, meaning “love him.” So, if they love him, why not give him a real name?

The proud parents hope the Chinese government allows the name, and can’t wait to introduce the baby to big brothers “&” (ampersand) and “…” (ellipse).

This story may be made fun of on TV and radio, but not in the newspaper comics, where, as we all know, the “@” sign is a hideous curse word that dare not be uttered.

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

From Today's News: Wednesday, Aug. 15, 2007

Former Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld’s letter of resignation from last November has finally surfaced. In it, Rumsfeld plainly stated that he was stepping down, but without any reason—the same way Bush runs his presidency.

The 4 paragraph letter was dated November 7, and stamped "Read by the President" the next day. This is a bit surprising, since the letter contained no illustrations.



The Department of Homeland Security said today that border policing and disaster planning agencies will have greater access to government satellite images. This raises grave questions, like, “Is it true that spy satellites make you look 10 lbs. heavier?



A capuchin monkey named Oliver escaped from his cage at a zoo in Mississippi on Monday, for the second time in a week. He was caught the next day, and the zoo staff has since decided to replace that lock that uses a banana-shaped key.



A space walk off the shuttle Endeavor ended early today, after an astronaut’s mandatory glove inspection revealed a hole in the left thumb of his space suit. NASA is nothing if not fashion conscious.



As a part of a study into the effects of weightlessness, 24 lab mice are on board the space shuttle's urrent mission. In a related story, a new space rocket is being speedily designed and built by cats.

The mice all volunteered for the mission, thinking it was a trip to the moon, which they believe is made of cheese.

Like any civilian, the mice had to pay $10 million apiece to fly on the shuttle.

The mice seem comfortable in their zero-gravity environment, and not at all afraid. Which is good, because in space, no one can hear you squeak.

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

From Today's Entertainment News: Tuesday, Aug. 14, 2007

A court may make Britney Spears and Kevin Federline’s divorce and child custody records open to the public and the media. Sadly, these may be the only records of Britney’s the public wants anymore.

Why can’t Brit just leave the tabloid life behind? She could go back to singing, and Federline could go back to… well, I’m sure he could find something to do.



Don Imus and CBS have reached a settlement regarding his contract. The details have not been disclosed, except that neither can disparage each other as part of the agreement. But at least, now Imus can get back to his nappy-headed business.



The Today Show on NBC will start adding another hour to its already 3-hour-daily broadcast, starting next month. At this rate, it will soon become The All-Day Show.

NB's strategy makes sence. They have to do something until Heroes comes back on the air.



Courtney Love will appear on the upcoming cover of Harper’s Bazaar, having recently lost 45 lbs. She talks about dieting and getting her life back together. Because advising others to take heroin and speed don’t sell magazines like they used to.

Courtney has appeared in a lot of magazines under a similar banner, but usually, it’s spelled “Bizarre.”

This is the first time, however, that Courtney Love has been associated with the word Bazaar without it being a description of her clothes, makeup, and behavior.

Monday, August 13, 2007

From Today's News: Monday, Aug. 13, 2007

White House Deputy Chief of Staff, Karl Rove announced today that he is stepping down at the end of this month. President Bush has not yet decided on a replacement, but when he does, out of habit, Rove will leak the name.

The reason Rove gave for resigning was so that he can spend more time with his family. But we all know the real reason. It’s so he can spend more time visiting Scooter Libby in prison.

Rove’s future plans include writing a book and then practicing evil in the private sector.



Hillary Clinton has unveiled her first TV commercial in her bid for president. In it she says that most Americans, even the ones serving in Iraq and Afghanistan, are invisible to President Bush. Bush’s response was swift. He said, “I didn’t even know we had that technology yet.”



Astronauts from the space shuttle Endeavour replaced equipment and made repairs to the International Space Station today. As is typical in these scenarios, Endeavour had said on the phone that they would arrive between 9 and 4, forcing the crew members-in residence at the space station to wait around the house for them all day.



Saudi Arabia now has had its first music video made there. Music is generally banned in public places by the government, as it is thought to be un-Islamic. This video, however, was approved because of it’s message: only listen to government approved music.

Some of the images in the video are controversial, like an engaged man flirting with another woman, and neglecting his prayers. It was all only acting, though, of course, so, only the woman had to be punished.

The song is called “You Only Have God to Count On,” and since its debut, it has already shot to Number 1 on the Saudi charts. It beat out last week’s number one: no music at all.

There actually are other music videos from other countries seen in Saudi Arabia over satellite TV. Many of the popular recording artists and video directors from other nations have been multiple nominees for the Saudi “Lengthy prison sentence” awards.

...Most of them have declined to show up to accept their awards.



In Cairo, Egypt, a man at the airport was stopped from boarding a plane to Saudi Arabia with a carry-on bag containing a live cobra and other snakes, lizards, and baby crocodiles. And somewhere, Samuel L. Jackson felt a great disturbance in The Force.

Authorities confiscated the animals, but still let the passenger board. It is still unknown if the reptiles were intended to be used for food or for sex.



Athens, Texas is hosting the “Texas Redneck Games,” with over 5 thousand spectators in attendance for contests like the Mattress Chuck and the Butt Crack contest. No joke—those are the real events. There are no medals given, but the winner gets to marry his sister.

Friday, August 10, 2007

From Today's News, Aug. 10, 2007

While surrounded by paparazzi, Britney Spears hit a parked car while parking to do some shopping in Studio City, CA. Wow. Look how far she has to go now, to divert photographers from noticing whether or not she’s wearing underwear.

She left no note and made no attempt to contact the owner of the car she scraped. Maybe she didn’t notice the damage, or maybe she did but thought, “Oh, it’s nothing worth shaving your head over.”

Okay, so she hit a parked car. Give her a break. It’s the only hit she’s had in 3 years.

You know, this little car accident seems to be the perfect analogy for her life on the whole. No, wait. THAT’s a train wreck.



Congress is considering a measure to raise federal tax on cigarettes to $1 a pack. If the tax hike passes, economic experts say that the best way for smokers to save money is to just switch to crack.

A new warning on packs will say; Cigarette smoking can be hazardous to your wealth.

The rise in the cost of cigarettes will have other effects. Prisons have been warned to be on the lookout for counterfeit smokes being used as currency.

As the cost of cigarettes increases, it does become a bigger burden or lower-income smokers, household budgets result in two opposing scenarios: #1, people try to cut down or quit smoking, and #2, Tobacco-whores.



Luciano Pavoratti, who was admitted to a hospital in Italy earlier this week, is still being kept for observation. Through his wife he told reporters he expects to be released in the coming days. Also, she said he’s doing better, ending the conversation on a high note.

Pavoratti has not performed live, publicly since his pancreatic cancer surgery last year, but has continued to work on music recordings. It’s not the same, but it’s his choice how to conduct himself.



The U.S. Army is pulling extra staff into recruitment to try to meet their goal of 80,000 new personnel per year. Most of the people being shifted to recruiting seem optimistic. A spokesman for the department said, “Hey, it beats going to Iraq!”

The army has used successful slogans in the past, such as “Be all you can be.” “Army of one,” and the more recent “Not just strong. Army strong.” Now they’re going to a new one: “Got war?”

Thursday, August 9, 2007

From Today's News: Thursday, Aug. 9, 2007

The Bush administration said today that they have a new plan to fight Afghanistan’s poppy farming, which contributes to much of the world’s illegal drug trade. This will be a blow for poppy production profiteers like the Taliban insurgency, and, of course, the Wicked Witch of the West.

The new strategy has already been embraced by the poppy grower’s arch rival, the sesame seed industry.

One of the main strategies is to get farmers to grow alternative crops, that can’t be made into dangerous drugs like heroin. Crops like… cannabis.



An amateur paleontologist has discovered a dinosaur mass grave site in the small town of Frick, Switzerland. So far, there is no evidence to cause suspicion that the paleontologist had a hand in the dinosaur’s deaths.

The man was scouting a construction site to build a house and discovered Plateosaurus bones. The upside for him is the discovery increases his credibility and respect as a paleontologist. The downside: being haunted by dinosaur ghosts.

The discovery is great news for the village of Frick. In fact, the village is celebrating by changing their town slogan from “What the Frick!” to “Fan-Frick-en-tastic!”



At today’s news conference, President Bush said he was against a 5-cent gasoline tax hike to pay for necessary bridge repairs in Minneapolis and elsewhere. Of course he doesn’t want to the cost of gas to go up now! He’s about to go on a month’s vacation: from Washington, D.C. up to Kennebunkport, ME, to Crawford TX. That’s a lot of miles!



A man was ticketed for posting an “Impeach Bush” sign in a public garden. Hey, if talking negatively about the president is going to get you in trouble with the law, then I am really in for it.

Besides, considering his environmental policies, I think that Bush would approve of anything that disrupts a garden.

The ticket he received was a citation for “advertising on public property.” How is this advertising? What is he selling? Clearly the cop was implying that Bush is for sale, and that ought to earn him a ticket!

Wednesday, August 8, 2007

From Today's News: Aug. 8, 2007

Barry Bonds hit his record-breaking 756th home run last night in San Francisco. Now he’s going to Disneyland. Not to celebrate at the park. To get the ball he hit – it landed in Anaheim.

Breaking Hank Aaron’s record is bound to make Bonds popularity shoot up.

You know, love him or hate him, you have to admit, with all the allegations of steroid use, Bonds has really taken a lot of needling.



The Department of Homeland Security is developing a new non-lethal, hand-held weapon. It emits a powerful strobe light, using intense, varied light pulses and colors which can temporarily blind a suspect and cause dizziness, vertigo and nausea. So far, the only side effect has been disco dancing.

Of course, officials would have to be very careful to make sure that the flashlight shaped weapon was not mishandled or abused, say, to make shadow puppets.

Most training for using these light weapons will be limited to just using the Force.



Pope Benedict XVI met this week with Rev. Tadeusz Rydzyk, a controversial, Polish priest who has been accused of making anti-Semitic remarks. Tolerance groups are bothered by the pope meeting with him. Another tolerance group responded, saying, “This isn’t because the guy’s Polish, is it?”

The Vatican has made no official statement , but an inside source says there shouldn’t be much controversy, because the pope isn’t Jewish.

…Or is he? He does like to wear a yarmulke.



A New Zealand couple is giving their baby the name Superman, but only because the government won’t let them legally name him 4Real. It is unknown at this time if either parent is an android or from the planet Krypton.

The parents say they will call the boy 4Real even if the government won’t acknowledge that as his name. Their resolve was universally applauded by school bullies who can hardly wait.

Whether they call him Superman or 4Real, the important thing is that he has two parents who obviously were never allowed to have a pet when they were kids.

New Zealand’s Department of Internal Affairs, which operates the name registry, may just decide that there is a precedent that the baby Superman is better off in the foster care of Jonathan and Martha Kent of Smallville, Kansas.

Tuesday, August 7, 2007

From Today's News: Aug. 7, 2007

Van Halen plans to announce a schedule for a 50-date reunion tour next week, with original singer David Lee Roth. Do they really think they are going to get along on the road after all these years? All I can say is: I smell Reality Show written all over this.



Chinese state media reported that because of working conditions and pollution, city traffic police have an average life expectancy of only 43 years. Shocking as this is, because of strict Chinese laws, by 2012, this life expectancy will be mandatory.



Lindsay Lohan is reportedly in a Utah rehab facility. This is just the first leg of what is sure to be her multi-city, 2007 “Private, Personal Matter” summer tour.



In Germany, A 59-year old woman who had lived with a pencil lodged in her head since a childhood accident has finally had most of it removed. She wanted to preserve her thoughts about the pencil's removal after the surgery, but ironically, she didn’t have anything to write with.

She suffered for 55 years with this unusual condition. She would get headaches, nosebleeds, plus, every time she nodded her head she erased something.

Previous attempts to shave down the pencil had been unsuccessful, but it did result in her other senses being sharpened.

She should fully recover from the surgery soon. In the meantime, she still feels like Number 2.

Monday, August 6, 2007

From Today's News: Aug. 6, 2007

President Bush said today that he is confident that Pakistan will help bring al-Qaeda terrorists there to justice if there is good intelligence as to where they are hiding. If al-Qaeda members can’t be found, Bush said, we’ll just have to get some gooder intelligence.



In El Paso, Texas yesterday, a 71-year-old woman’s Ford Ranger went over a cliff, falling 150 feet. Miraculously, she received only minor injuries. It was several hours before she was found because she didn’t have her cell phone. There’s Murphy’s Law, huh?

The woman may have set a world record. Not for surviving the fall. For being the first civilian to ever drop an airborne Ranger.

In fact, surviving a 150-foot fall to the ground in a pick-up truck is so unbelievable, it has already been bought as a plotline for next season on Desperate Housewives.



A group of young children in a Stanford University study thought food wrapped in McDonald’s packaging tasted better than the exact same plain-wrapped foods. Children were recruited by calling it a “Happy Study,” which comes with games and puzzles on the application and a free toy at the end.

Incidentally, the children’s parents were shown TV commercials that tricked them into thinking that any movie ever made by Disney was worth owning on DVD.



The FDA approved the use of a new drug for HIV patients to prevent or slow the onset of AIDS. Early concerns are the side effects, as the drug can cause liver damage, heart problems, and, ironically, AIDS.



The new edition of the Journal of Pediatrics says that videos aimed at babies may actually slow their progress in speech. The research may be wrong. I mean, I watched videos when I was a baby and I can say…a lot of… words that… mean… stuff.


In the small country of Estonia, police pulled over a driver whom they thought was drunk, and discovered he was blind. They immediately arrested the man. I bet he never saw that coming.

How did this guy expect to be able to drive? Opent eh car door and use his hand to feel the bumps on the road?

Police became suspicious when they saw the white cane sticking out of the driver's window.

The cops asked him why he was the one driving the car, and the man said it was beause he needed the seeing-eye-dog to read the map.

The driver is already out of jail because he was able to post Braille.

Friday, August 3, 2007

From Today's News: 8/03/07

The FBI has announced a new employment standard where they are lowering the standard for past drug use to make more applicants eligible to get jobs. Bottom line: the FBI is putting the "high" back in "hiring."

The new policy in more tolerant of past marijuana usage. How tolerant? Let me put it this way: Introducing, Special Agent Tommy Chong.

This changes FBI self defense training. Now, if someone tries to hit an agent with a blunt object, they are trained to smoke the blunt and take the object.

This changes other things. Have you seen the pictures on the FBI's new Most Wanted list: Pizza, Cheeto's, Taco Bell...




A 78-year-old Florida man who happens to be named Harry Potter has been bombarded with phone calls since the new Potter movie and book came out. Fans want to ask him about wizards and magic, but he just wants to be left alone. So I'm going to call him and suggest that he just use his Invisibility Cloak and disappear for a while.

Thursday, August 2, 2007

From Today's News, Aug. 2, 2007:

In the wake of the dramatic bridge collapse in Minneapolis today, President Bush has said that the federal government would help ensure the rebuilding of the bridge. This is a first for Bush. As we've seen with Congress and in Europe, he usually burns bridges.



In an amazing story, a man in a low conscious state since 1999 has started to speak following an experimental procedure to stimulate his brain with electrodes. See, in my cynicism, when I read the headline, "Man spoke for the first time in 8 years," I assumed he was just married.



In Australia, a 94-year-old woman just became the world's oldest person to earn a Masters degree. Her postgraduate work followed her anthropology studies, where she had an unfair advantage over other students by having personally known the people being studied.

She began her postgraduate program at the age of 90. People ask how did she do it. Isn't it obvious? Athletic scholarship.

Her Masters is in Medical Science. It's strange to think that if she had begun her medical studies as a young woman, the only supplies she would have had to buy in order to graduate were some leeches and a saw.

Let's face it, 94 is old. She was the only student who referred to her left hip as her spring break.

Wednesday, August 1, 2007

Weekly News Daily

Studies have shown that News happens regularly. Sometimes even more than once a day, depending on the area you live in and who you know.

This is a humorous look at everything from world-shaping events, like Lindsay Lohan re-entering or re-escaping from rehab; to minor, amusing odds and ends, like war and global politics.

The issues that face the world need to be addressed, or at least dismissed, with a little laughter.

My intent is not necessarily to inform the masses or to sway public opinion, although it would be nice if everyone would just agree with me all the time. The point is, I am here to hold up a big magnifying glass to absurdity, hypocracy, and if I'm lucky, smaller magnifying glasses. That would be cool.

I hope you enjoy the content, assuming I generate some. It would be a shame if all that news kept happening for nothing.

Friday, June 15, 2007

From June 15th, 2007: Bob Barker's last show

Today was host Bob Barker’s final episode of The Price Is Right. The 83-year old game show icon is retiring after 35 years. Things get tough at that age. Every time Bob tries to pee, announcer Rich Fields has to call out, “Contents of Bob’s kidneys: come on down!”


He can’t control his bowels any more, either. Mid-sentence, he’ll just start walking away. When someone says, “Bob, where are you going?” He says, “I have to go make Plinko.”


You could tell is was getting to be time for him to retire when, every day on the show, when a contestant would spin the giant wheel, no matter what number it landed on, Bob would shout “Bingo!”


Age catches up with you. The other day Bob started driving a beautiful car on the stage, and started honking the horn and telling the audience to get out of the road.


It was an emotional day for fans of The Price Is Right. At the end of Bob Barker’s last show, the whole audience was invited onstage so Bob could personally spay or neuter them.


After the taping, Bob was, ironically, given some lovely parting gifts for being on the show.


Since he’s retiring, Bob issued a press release saying the following:
“I hope everyone realizes, they’re not called ‘Barker’s Beauties’ because I just worked with them.”

“Forget Price Is Right. What I really want to be remembered for is my performance in the movie Happy Gilmore.”

“I still see that female contestant in the tube top in my sleep.”

“Every pregnant animal I see is a personal failure.”

“Even at age 83, I can still kick Alex Trebek’s ass.”

Saturday, June 2, 2007

From June 1 & 2, 2007

6/01/2007


Dr. Jack Kevorkian was released today after 8 years in prison. He had been convicted of second degree murder for an assisted suicide in Michigan. Now he is on parole and can’t assist in any more suicides. All he can do is suggest people take up smoking.

Shortly before being released form prison, Kevorkian says many of his personal possessions including his manuscript he’d been writing, were stolen. Of all the ironies; if he finds the thief, he isn’t even allowed kill him.

Kervorkian did toughen up in prison. He wasn’t just doing time. He was killing time.

Although he used to be known by the nickname “Dr. Death,” that ended the day he arrived in prison. Another inmate was already using that name.

Kevorkian’s famous suicide machine dispensed lethal dosages of drugs for a painless death. Maybe prison changed Dr. Kevorkian a little, but his new assisted suicide machine is a sharpened spatula stolen from the prison kitchen.




A Wisconsin church organist and choir leader was fired for having a second job as a saleslady for a sex toy company. The parish priest became very uncomfortable once her other job became public knowledge. She sells sex toys, so he doesn’t even want her near his organ anymore.

Anyway, after 35 years of mostly volunteer service, the priest just flat-out fired her. That’s the whole story. Because it is a church issue, it really doesn’t have any climax.

The organist even explained to the church’s vocal ensemble that the products she sells just help married couples. A spokesman for the group said, “Hey, you’re preaching to the choir.”

It’s a shame the two can’t patch up their differences, especially since they really have so much in common. They shared church administrative duties. They both love the music of the choir. And they both anoint things with oils.

The sad thing is the organist was just as dedicated to bringing the membership of the church to its feet each week with her music as she is to helping couples with sexual problems. Her personal motto is, “If I can just get one more member to stand up…”




U2 frontman Bono spoke glowingly about President Bush’s proposed $30 billion to fight AIDS around the world over the next 5 years. President Bush said that he was glad to help the cause, and to support Bono, saying, “Not only is he a former Congressman of California, but did you know he used to be married to Cher?”





Officials concerned that bears are coming closer to populated areas in search of food this season are advising people to store garbage in bear-proof containers, keep pet food dishes indoors, and empty bird feeders. This advice, however, was immediately dismissed as counter-productive by all birds.

In fact, a representative of the bird world was quickly quoted as saying, “Polly wants a cracker.”

And as if to flatter potential feeders, followed with, (wolf whistle).

Officials are doing everything they can to protect the public from bear attacks. Wildlife experts are trying to educate, park rangers are patroling campgrounds, and police are pulling over any bear driving a car erratically.



A Tennessee state trooper resigned last week ands may face charges related to receiving oral sex from a porn star he had stopped for speeding. She still got a citation for speeding. As for the charges against him, it already appears that he may have gotten off.

This is one policeman who really did give new meaning to the term Piece Officer.

I can’t believe he still give her a speeding ticket after she gave him oral sex. I mean, how fast was she?

Now the trooper may face criminal charges, and the porn star’s Hummer may be brought into evidence. And so might her vehicle.

Thursday, May 31, 2007

From May 30 & 31

In the world tennis, at the French Open, all of the United States’ male players were eliminated by the end of the second round. Even though they are clearly out of the competition, President Bush immediately insisted that the American players stay over there and take on any lunatic who wanders out on to the court for as long as it takes until we win.

The president then asked Congress for $70 million to send the players new rackets, wristbands, and sneakers.

Haliburton got the contract to make 5,000 new tennis balls for a cost of $17 million. They really do have a lot of balls, don’t they?



President Bush has nominated diplomat Robert Zoellick to be the new president of the World Bank. Bush said he chose Zoellick because of his pencil-thin moustache and matching ability to walk up to the bank counter with a “Yeeeesss?”



A Kansas City book shop owner decided to have a book-burning as a protest to the decline of reading in America. The stunt made the newspapers, but not television, so sadly, almost nobody knows about it.



In an amazing heist, an 18-karot, solid-gold bathtub worth almost $1 million was stolen from a 10th floor hotel room in Japan. Why would anyone need a million dollar, golden bath tub? Especially when there are places where, for like 50 bucks I hear you can get a golden shower.



One of the world’s biggest spammers, has been arrested and charged with mail fraud, web fraud, identity theft and other charges. How do you enact justice on a guy like this? Jail? He’s a computer nerd. He sits in front of his keyboard in total isolation from other people all day in one room.

The only difference between home and prison is that he won’t live directly beneath his parents anymore.



Paula Abdul says that she found her purpose in life on American Idol. Yes, more than being a singer, dancer, or choreographer, she wanted to give the world the joy that only sound bites of slurred non-sequitors can.

Or, at least, in this millennium, she wanted to be more relevant than Lisa Lisa and the Cult Jam.




The National Spelling Bee is underway in Washington, and the favorite to win, 13 year old, 5 time champion 13-year-old Samir Patel was surprisingly eliminated in the fifth round. The real disappointment to his fans is the rumors that he had started using spelling-enhancing drugs.

--Or as it’s known on the street, Vitamin E. (They say it’s good for brain functions.)

Friday, May 18, 2007

From Today's news: May 18, 2007

Lindsay Lohan was accused of stealing clothing from a home where a friend was house-sitting. No charges will be brought, though, due to lack of evidence. Justice will be served, though, if she’s guilty. If there’s one thing paparazzi always uncovers, it’s a fashion crime.

In a statement, Lindsay said, “Why would I steal clothes, when I’ll have access to Paris closets the whole time she’s in jail?”

It’s true that there is no prior pattern of behavior to make anyone think Lindsay would steal clothes. In fact, at all the movie shoots she’s ever been on, with all the fancy wardrobe lying around, the only thing that’s usually missing from the set… is her.




According to witnesses at an Amsterdam zoo, an 11 year old, 400-lb. gorilla named Bokito escaped from his enclosure and injured 4 people, before being subdued by officials. This shows you what life is really like in other countries. In America, they wouldn’t have revealed the gorilla’s name because he’s under 18.

Actually, the real difference is that in America, witnesses wouldn’t have had to report anything. Somebody would have video-taped it, and the next day we’d all be watching When Gorilla’s Attack on FOX.

Even worse, the day after that, a bunch of idiots would be trying to break gorillas out of zoos to attack people so they could video-tape it and put it on YouTube.




A colonial-era shipwreck has been discovered, carrying what might be the biggest sunken treasure ever discovered, about 17 tons of silver and gold coins. The explorers who found it now face an even bigger challenge: finding a bank that will accept unrolled coin.

The Associated Press reports that the treasure has an estimated value of $500 million. The last time anything that valuable was found under water was when Bill Gates’ wallet fell out of his vest pocket while he was standing at a drinking fountain.

The Marine exploration team hasn’t yet confirmed the country of origin of the ship, but they place its age between 300 and 400 years old, which they can tell because the coins have a picture of Abe Vigoda’s face on them.

Thursday, May 17, 2007

From May 17, 2007

In Rochester, NY 3 funeral home directors and 4 employees of a biomedical supply company were arrested for secretly removing parts from dozens of human bodies awaiting cremation, and selling them for common medical procedures. The funeral company’s motto was, “Ashes to ashes, dust to cash!”

It just goes to prove the old adage, when you play with cremations, you’re bound to get burned.

One of the funeral homes involved was the Profetta Funeral Chapel, where they really do put “profit” before “funeral.”

The families whose loved ones’ bodies were used, of course, were devastated. Especially considering the money they paid expecting a respectful service. At any of these places, a funeral costs literally an arm and a leg.

One of the accused says he didn’t think he was doing anything illegal; he thought the company had consent. Oh, please. How were they supposed to get that consent? A séance?



A meat company is recalling 129,000 lbs. of meat due to possible e.Coli contamination. 129-thousand pounds. Do you realize how much meat that is? That enough to make an entire lunch for Rush Limbaugh.



Three California doctors were charged for cheating insurance companies out of more than $5 million for hundreds of unnecessary colonoscopies and surgeries performed on bribed patients. Who consents to an unnecessary colonoscopy? Whoever does that may not have needed that little procedure, but they sure deserved it.

And what about these surgeons, these living testimonies to the Hypocratic oath? Doc, if you reaaly think you’re doing no harm, scamming millions by sticking a tube up people’s butts, I got 3 words for you: Go heal yourself.



Classic R & B artist Ike Turner was arrested and spent a night in jail after he was arrested on a narcotics warrant that turned out to have been dismissed in 1989. This seems very unfair, unless you’re Tina Turner.

Ike was given a citation for speeding, which prompted the incident leading to his arrest. Ike should sell that speeding ticket on e-bay. It’ll be the first time his name has sold any tickets in over 30 years!

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

From May 16th: Musings on Paris Hilton going to jail

Paris is actually spending a lot of time trying to figure out what shade of lip gloss is going to match her Corrections Department jump suit.


Jail officials told Paris they can get her any books and magazines in jail, but Paris pleaded with them not to. She considers reading to be cruel and unusual punishment.


Nicole Ritchie will mail Paris a present: a platinum credit card baked into a cake.


She’s going to sleep with every butch inmate in there twice before realizing they are women.


Paris won’t be scared by the threat of solitary confinement. It’s something she has faced every time she has been left alone with her thoughts.


She will lose weight her first few days inside. Not because of nerves or depression. It will take her that long to realize that there is no room service.


Paris will be traumatized in her first jailhouse shower. No one will assault her or anything, but she will go into shock when forced to use non-designer soap.


As a survival tool, she is going to have to sharpen her vibrator into a shiv.


Will the jail issue her a night-vision equipped camcorder for conjugal visits?


Britney Spears will come to visit but will be thrown in a cell when she is mistaken for an inmate because of her bald head.


By the time Paris leaves jail, “the common yard” will be the new nickname for her vagina.

Tuesday, May 15, 2007

From Today's News, May 15, 2007

In Rochester, NY 3 funeral home directors and 4 employees of a biomedical supply company were arrested for secretly removing parts from dozens of human bodies awaiting cremation, and selling them for common medical procedures. The funeral company’s motto was, “Ashes to ashes, dust to cash!”

It just goes to prove the old adage, when you play with cremations, you’re bound to get burned.

One of the funeral homes involved was the Profetta Funeral Chapel, where they really do put “profit” before “funeral.”

The families whose loved ones’ bodies were used, of course, were devastated. Especially considering the money they paid expecting a respectful service. At any of these places, a funeral costs literally an arm and a leg.

One of the accused says he didn’t think he was doing anything illegal; he thought the company had consent. Oh, please. How were they supposed to get that consent? A séance?



A meat company is recalling 129,000 lbs. of meat due to possible e.Coli contamination. 129-thousand pounds. Do you realize how much meat that is? That enough to make an entire lunch for Rush Limbaugh.



Three California doctors were charged for cheating insurance companies out of more than $5 million for hundreds of unnecessary colonoscopies and surgeries performed on bribed patients. Who consents to an unnecessary colonoscopy? Whoever does that may not have needed that little procedure, but they sure deserved it.

And what about these surgeons, these living testimonies to the Hypocratic oath? Doc, if you reaaly think you’re doing no harm, scamming millions by sticking a tube up people’s butts, I got 3 words for you: Go heal yourself.



Classic R & B artist Ike Turner was arrested and spent a night in jail after he was arrested on a narcotics warrant that turned out to have been dismissed in 1989. This seems very unfair, unless you’re Tina Turner.

Ike was given a citation for speeding, which prompted the incident leading to his arrest. Ike should sell that speeding ticket on e-bay. It’ll be the first time his name has sold any tickets in over 30 years!