Monday, November 11, 2013

“South of the Bieber”

Last night Justin Bieber walked off stage ending a Buenos Aires concert early for the second time since visiting South America, this time citing food poisoning as the reason.   Because it just sounds conceited to say he had a Bieber fever.

Bieber’s manager said his food poisoning was so severe he spent the 8 hours before the show on an IV drip.  Said The Rolling Stones, “An IV drip?  Big deal – we do that before every show.


Bieber was already at the center of controversy in South America, allegedly visiting a brothel, which may be the real origin of his “drip.”

“Navy Blues”

More allegations have surfaced in the US Navy sex scandal, in which contracts for goods and services may have been given in exchange for money and gifts including  services of prostitutes.  For instance, submarine officers were influenced about where and when they would be going down.

Now a 3-star admiral has been implicated.  If he was involved in illicit sexual behavior, naval uniform protocol demands that his stars immediately be replaced with x’s.


Reports claim the scandal will taint the admirals.  But as everyone knows, rear admirals rarely get out with their taint intact.

“Salad Days”

A California company has recalled over 90 tons of pre-packed salads and wraps over fears that they may contain a strain of E. coli.  Just what Americans need: another excuse not to eat vegetables.
 

The contaminated foods will be collected by the FDA and redistributed as low-cost elementary school lunches.

“The Russians Are Coming"

Russian president Vladimir Putin will be visiting Viet Nam tomorrow in an effort to improve relations there.  Coincidentally, that event will also be a major plot point in the next Sylvester Stallone action movie.


Once he is there, safely in an underground lair, Putin can finally remove his human-like mask and show the Vietnamese leaders his lizard skin underneath.

"Immodest Proposal"

Last week Kanye West flew Kim Kardashian to San Francisco, where he surprised her by having rented out AT&T Park, home of the Giants, where he then proposed.  He wanted to bring her to a place big enough for her ass and his ego.

Though they’ve been together a while now, Kim said the proposal came totally out of left field.

In his proposal, Kanye told Kim that if she’d marry him, she would make him the happiest man in the world, you know, because of all the publicity.

Kanye said that the only thing that could make him happier was if he could marry himself.

Kanye did not offer his proposal in a rap, but only because Kim had not bought a ticket to be in the stadium.

Members of Kim’s family were hiding in the dugout waiting for Kim’s answer.  The dugout seemed the perfect place for them, since it, too, is shallow.

Khloe Kardashian was there, but she kept getting mistaken for the Giants’ mascot.

Kanye proposed with a giant, 14.2-carot diamond ring.  Kim said it was the best thing he ever gave her, the most beautiful thing she’s ever seen, and it goes without saying that she loves it much more than their baby.

Actually, Kanye and Kim couldn’t wait to celebrate their happy news with their baby, North, as soon as they figure out which nanny currently has her.

Kanye had decided this was the perfect time to propose, because as a couple, it’s very important that they promote his new album.

Kim said ‘yes’ to Kanye, making way for a huge celebration for all their lawyers.

As soon as Kim accepted the proposal, Kanye went straight to third base.

There was no TV crew there, allowing Kim and Kanye to enjoy this as a private moment before the next sex tape.

Kim will soon be planning her bridal shower, which is what Kris Jenner calls meeting with networks to see who gets the deal to broadcast the wedding.

Kim and Kanye don’t care what denomination their wedding officiate is, as long as it’s someone who bows down to Yesus.

Kim and Kanye will not wed at AT&T Park, because even they know that with AT&T, you’ll get a lousy reception.

In a somewhat related story, that same day, Kris Humphries went on a blind movie date, where he spilled a soda on the girl right after the coming attractions.

Thursday, January 17, 2013

“Kim and Kanye Konceive”


Kim Kardashian said that she had a hard time getting pregnant.  But once the video camera was rolling…

If families with young children watch the Kardashians on TV and the kids start asking where babies come from, their parents should explain to them, “A baby is made when a man and a woman love attention very much…”

The baby already has its own reality show, with the crew filming 24/7 from inside Kim’s uterus. 

But to be fair, they were already there before she got pregnant.

A few years after the baby is born, Kim and Kanye already can’t wait to show their child the tape of his or her conception.

Kim and Kanye have decided NOT to show the birth on television.  Some moments are just so special and private that they only belong on pay-per-view.

It’s too soon to know if the baby will look like Kim or Kanye when its born, but like all 3-month fetuses, for now its face looks like Bruce Jenner.

“Hair Force One”



Ahead of her husband’s second inauguration, Michelle Obama has gotten a new hairstyle, sporting bangs.  Or as Republican conspiracy theorists are calling it, a forehead cover-up.

The rumor is, if President Obama isn’t crazy about his wife’s new hairdo, he’s going to push for a ban on hand-held scissors.

“Take Aim, Rand”



On Thursday, Sen. Rand Paul said he supported the idea of having school teachers carry guns in school.  He said, “Not only would it allow educators to defend themselves in the event of a crisis, we’d see a lot more class work being finished on time.”

At the end of those standardized tests, when teacher says pencils down, you’d better put that pencil down!

“That test is getting a ‘B.’  And the ‘B’ stands for ‘buckshot.’”