Thursday, May 31, 2007

From May 30 & 31

In the world tennis, at the French Open, all of the United States’ male players were eliminated by the end of the second round. Even though they are clearly out of the competition, President Bush immediately insisted that the American players stay over there and take on any lunatic who wanders out on to the court for as long as it takes until we win.

The president then asked Congress for $70 million to send the players new rackets, wristbands, and sneakers.

Haliburton got the contract to make 5,000 new tennis balls for a cost of $17 million. They really do have a lot of balls, don’t they?



President Bush has nominated diplomat Robert Zoellick to be the new president of the World Bank. Bush said he chose Zoellick because of his pencil-thin moustache and matching ability to walk up to the bank counter with a “Yeeeesss?”



A Kansas City book shop owner decided to have a book-burning as a protest to the decline of reading in America. The stunt made the newspapers, but not television, so sadly, almost nobody knows about it.



In an amazing heist, an 18-karot, solid-gold bathtub worth almost $1 million was stolen from a 10th floor hotel room in Japan. Why would anyone need a million dollar, golden bath tub? Especially when there are places where, for like 50 bucks I hear you can get a golden shower.



One of the world’s biggest spammers, has been arrested and charged with mail fraud, web fraud, identity theft and other charges. How do you enact justice on a guy like this? Jail? He’s a computer nerd. He sits in front of his keyboard in total isolation from other people all day in one room.

The only difference between home and prison is that he won’t live directly beneath his parents anymore.



Paula Abdul says that she found her purpose in life on American Idol. Yes, more than being a singer, dancer, or choreographer, she wanted to give the world the joy that only sound bites of slurred non-sequitors can.

Or, at least, in this millennium, she wanted to be more relevant than Lisa Lisa and the Cult Jam.




The National Spelling Bee is underway in Washington, and the favorite to win, 13 year old, 5 time champion 13-year-old Samir Patel was surprisingly eliminated in the fifth round. The real disappointment to his fans is the rumors that he had started using spelling-enhancing drugs.

--Or as it’s known on the street, Vitamin E. (They say it’s good for brain functions.)

Friday, May 18, 2007

From Today's news: May 18, 2007

Lindsay Lohan was accused of stealing clothing from a home where a friend was house-sitting. No charges will be brought, though, due to lack of evidence. Justice will be served, though, if she’s guilty. If there’s one thing paparazzi always uncovers, it’s a fashion crime.

In a statement, Lindsay said, “Why would I steal clothes, when I’ll have access to Paris closets the whole time she’s in jail?”

It’s true that there is no prior pattern of behavior to make anyone think Lindsay would steal clothes. In fact, at all the movie shoots she’s ever been on, with all the fancy wardrobe lying around, the only thing that’s usually missing from the set… is her.




According to witnesses at an Amsterdam zoo, an 11 year old, 400-lb. gorilla named Bokito escaped from his enclosure and injured 4 people, before being subdued by officials. This shows you what life is really like in other countries. In America, they wouldn’t have revealed the gorilla’s name because he’s under 18.

Actually, the real difference is that in America, witnesses wouldn’t have had to report anything. Somebody would have video-taped it, and the next day we’d all be watching When Gorilla’s Attack on FOX.

Even worse, the day after that, a bunch of idiots would be trying to break gorillas out of zoos to attack people so they could video-tape it and put it on YouTube.




A colonial-era shipwreck has been discovered, carrying what might be the biggest sunken treasure ever discovered, about 17 tons of silver and gold coins. The explorers who found it now face an even bigger challenge: finding a bank that will accept unrolled coin.

The Associated Press reports that the treasure has an estimated value of $500 million. The last time anything that valuable was found under water was when Bill Gates’ wallet fell out of his vest pocket while he was standing at a drinking fountain.

The Marine exploration team hasn’t yet confirmed the country of origin of the ship, but they place its age between 300 and 400 years old, which they can tell because the coins have a picture of Abe Vigoda’s face on them.

Thursday, May 17, 2007

From May 17, 2007

In Rochester, NY 3 funeral home directors and 4 employees of a biomedical supply company were arrested for secretly removing parts from dozens of human bodies awaiting cremation, and selling them for common medical procedures. The funeral company’s motto was, “Ashes to ashes, dust to cash!”

It just goes to prove the old adage, when you play with cremations, you’re bound to get burned.

One of the funeral homes involved was the Profetta Funeral Chapel, where they really do put “profit” before “funeral.”

The families whose loved ones’ bodies were used, of course, were devastated. Especially considering the money they paid expecting a respectful service. At any of these places, a funeral costs literally an arm and a leg.

One of the accused says he didn’t think he was doing anything illegal; he thought the company had consent. Oh, please. How were they supposed to get that consent? A séance?



A meat company is recalling 129,000 lbs. of meat due to possible e.Coli contamination. 129-thousand pounds. Do you realize how much meat that is? That enough to make an entire lunch for Rush Limbaugh.



Three California doctors were charged for cheating insurance companies out of more than $5 million for hundreds of unnecessary colonoscopies and surgeries performed on bribed patients. Who consents to an unnecessary colonoscopy? Whoever does that may not have needed that little procedure, but they sure deserved it.

And what about these surgeons, these living testimonies to the Hypocratic oath? Doc, if you reaaly think you’re doing no harm, scamming millions by sticking a tube up people’s butts, I got 3 words for you: Go heal yourself.



Classic R & B artist Ike Turner was arrested and spent a night in jail after he was arrested on a narcotics warrant that turned out to have been dismissed in 1989. This seems very unfair, unless you’re Tina Turner.

Ike was given a citation for speeding, which prompted the incident leading to his arrest. Ike should sell that speeding ticket on e-bay. It’ll be the first time his name has sold any tickets in over 30 years!

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

From May 16th: Musings on Paris Hilton going to jail

Paris is actually spending a lot of time trying to figure out what shade of lip gloss is going to match her Corrections Department jump suit.


Jail officials told Paris they can get her any books and magazines in jail, but Paris pleaded with them not to. She considers reading to be cruel and unusual punishment.


Nicole Ritchie will mail Paris a present: a platinum credit card baked into a cake.


She’s going to sleep with every butch inmate in there twice before realizing they are women.


Paris won’t be scared by the threat of solitary confinement. It’s something she has faced every time she has been left alone with her thoughts.


She will lose weight her first few days inside. Not because of nerves or depression. It will take her that long to realize that there is no room service.


Paris will be traumatized in her first jailhouse shower. No one will assault her or anything, but she will go into shock when forced to use non-designer soap.


As a survival tool, she is going to have to sharpen her vibrator into a shiv.


Will the jail issue her a night-vision equipped camcorder for conjugal visits?


Britney Spears will come to visit but will be thrown in a cell when she is mistaken for an inmate because of her bald head.


By the time Paris leaves jail, “the common yard” will be the new nickname for her vagina.

Tuesday, May 15, 2007

From Today's News, May 15, 2007

In Rochester, NY 3 funeral home directors and 4 employees of a biomedical supply company were arrested for secretly removing parts from dozens of human bodies awaiting cremation, and selling them for common medical procedures. The funeral company’s motto was, “Ashes to ashes, dust to cash!”

It just goes to prove the old adage, when you play with cremations, you’re bound to get burned.

One of the funeral homes involved was the Profetta Funeral Chapel, where they really do put “profit” before “funeral.”

The families whose loved ones’ bodies were used, of course, were devastated. Especially considering the money they paid expecting a respectful service. At any of these places, a funeral costs literally an arm and a leg.

One of the accused says he didn’t think he was doing anything illegal; he thought the company had consent. Oh, please. How were they supposed to get that consent? A séance?



A meat company is recalling 129,000 lbs. of meat due to possible e.Coli contamination. 129-thousand pounds. Do you realize how much meat that is? That enough to make an entire lunch for Rush Limbaugh.



Three California doctors were charged for cheating insurance companies out of more than $5 million for hundreds of unnecessary colonoscopies and surgeries performed on bribed patients. Who consents to an unnecessary colonoscopy? Whoever does that may not have needed that little procedure, but they sure deserved it.

And what about these surgeons, these living testimonies to the Hypocratic oath? Doc, if you reaaly think you’re doing no harm, scamming millions by sticking a tube up people’s butts, I got 3 words for you: Go heal yourself.



Classic R & B artist Ike Turner was arrested and spent a night in jail after he was arrested on a narcotics warrant that turned out to have been dismissed in 1989. This seems very unfair, unless you’re Tina Turner.

Ike was given a citation for speeding, which prompted the incident leading to his arrest. Ike should sell that speeding ticket on e-bay. It’ll be the first time his name has sold any tickets in over 30 years!