Friday, December 30, 2011

See you in 2012!

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

“Elly Mae Pay Day”


Donna Douglas, the actress who played Elly Mae Clampett on The Beverly Hillbillies, who had sued Mattel and CBS over using her likeness for an Elly Mae Barbie doll, settled the case for up to an estimated $75,000.  Once Elly Mae got her money, she loaded up the truck and moved to Beverly… Massachusetts, that is.  75 grand won’t get you squat in Beverly Hills.

“Cry of Newt”


At a Des Moines coffee house, Newt Gingrich broke into tears when talking about his mother to a group called CafeMoms.  It’s understandable.  After all, she’s the woman who named her own son “Newt.”

“Blackmailer ‘On the Case’”

Robert “Joe” Halderman, the former CBS producer who tried to blackmail David Letterman in 2010, has landed a new job as a producer for Paula Zahn’s On the Case on Investigation Discovery.  Zahn better not be sleeping with any of her interns.

After serving time for extortion, having threatened the Late Show host with exposure after discovering secrets about his personal life, it’s kind of funny that Halderman is producing for an “investigative” show.  But Letterman probably won’t be joking about it. 

Thursday, December 29, 2011

“All Gaga for New Year’s”

Pop Superstar Lady Gaga will be counting down the New Year with the ceremonial ball drop in Times Square.  At exactly 12:00, live in New York City, Gaga’s balls will drop.

 On New Year’s Eve, with so many people wearing crazy hats, costumes, and wild glasses, Gaga will finally have a place where she blends in.

“Laws of the Land”

A new law in Utah that takes effect January 1st will make it illegal for bars to offer “happy hour” drink specials.  Bars are expected to figure out that, since alcohol is a depressant, they can start promoting “unhappy hour” instead.

In Nevada, music therapists now have to be licensed.  But music groupies still just have to be hot.

In Georgia, golf carts taken off the course onto roads have to have brakes, warning devices, and a horn.  Apparently, those loud, golf sweaters just aren’t enough anymore.

All golf cats must be equipped with safety equipment such as back-up warnings, too.  In fact, while golfing, if you hook or slice the ball, you now have to use turn signals.

“Chimp and See”

A two-year biology study reveals that chimpanzees warn fellow chimps about unseen dangers to their well-being.  This finding probably explains the recent increase in anti-smoking ads.

On a basic instinctive level, the chimps seem to partly understand each other’s intentions.  It’s why they are better than humans at dodging hand-flung poop.

Of course, the best way for a chimp to get clear warning messages from another, pay him a couple of bananas in advance, for his trouble.

“Engaging Jordan”

Basketball great Michael Jordan proposed to his longtime girlfriend Yvette Prieto.  Like Jordan himself, the question seemed to hang in the air for a long time.

No word on the price of her ring, but it probably cost quite a few Air Jordans.

Now that they are engaged, Jordan can’t wait to get his Hanes on her.

The concept of the diamond ring confused Jordan.  He’s used to putting the rock inside the hoop.

The proposal came on Christmas Day.  And that night, he dunked it.

No doubt the diamond can be measured by carats, but Chicago Bulls fans are counting the points.

Wednesday, December 28, 2011

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

I want to wish a very happy, healthy, safe, and prosperous new year to all of my blog readers around the world, my supporters, friends, and family.  Each year I hope to spread a little laughter into the world, and each year I am given the gift of laughter from so many of you, along with a lot of love.  Thank you for being part of my 2011.  Here's to a new year filled with blessings, light, and hopefully, some good jokes.
Happy 2012.

“Rest ‘Il’ Peace”

Yesterday was the funeral for North Korean leader Kim Jong Il.  The North Korean people have been told via state media that, although he appears dead, he will awaken with only one kiss from Prince Charming.


Government officials wanted the road paved with gold for the funeral procession.  Gold was not available, however, so instead they paved it with North Koreans.

Friday, December 16, 2011

“Pop Proposal”

Britney Spears has gotten engaged, to Jason Trawick, who was her manager until May, 2010, when they began dating.  Instead of a wild, crazy bachelorette party, Britney will just have a flashback to 2008.

The pair ended their professional relationship to concentrate on their personal one.  In other words, Jason can quit his job, now that he’s got himself a sugar mama.

It is unknown at this time if there will be a pre-nuptial agreement, but one thing is for sure: Jason will insist that Britney not open-mouth kiss Madonna anymore.

“Smaller Snooki”

Jersey Shore’s Nicole “Snooki” Poizzi has been on a program to lose weight, and looking slimmer than ever, she says she’s down to 107 lbs.   That only leaves 107 to go.

Snooki is happy to have lost so much weight, saying “This is f*cking cool.  I can get sh*t-faced on less booze, now.”

Thursday, December 15, 2011

“This Means War”


The war in Iraq has officially been declared over, with 4,000 troops still there and waiting to return home.  Upon hearing the news, George W. Bush immediately called President Obama and asked if he could get that “Mission Accomplished” banner now, as a souvenir.

“Fake Drug Facts”


A national survey found a startling increase in the number of teens who have used synthetic drugs, which mimic the effects of marijuana but commonly have dangerous side effects.  On the bright side, the making of synthetics has given a strong boost to U.S. manufacturing. 

"Failing Grades"

The Center on Education Policy released a national report Thursday that reveals almost half of all public schools failed this year’s federal achievement standards.  Now, it’s up to state administrators to work with Congress to quickly lower the standards.

Based on federal testing only 52% of schools have made adequate academic progress.  However, based on new grading methods, 52% is a C+.

“Less Jackson”

Janet Jackson is a new spokeswoman for the weight loss program Nutrisystem.  Throughout her life, Janet’s weight has affected her self esteem, but now she is bouncing back, like a great, big, round, ball.

The company’s plan uses pre-packaged foods to help customers meet their weight loss goals, the same way Janet’s music uses pre-packaged rhythms and melodies.

Janet describes her weight-loss success using Nutrisystem as “Good Times.”

“Poor Results”

According to data from the U.S. Census Bureau, almost 1 out of 2 Americans can now be classified as poor or low income.  What’s really sad is how the comparatively rich “low income” people are not taking care of the poor.

The poor are, in turn, jealous of people earning a low income.

It’s hard to distinguish “low income” from “poor”, unless you break it down to those who have a cell phone contract, and those who pay for data, talk and text month-to-month.

Most of America won’t pay any attention to this statistic, however, unless those in both the poor and low income brackets start speaking with a cockney accent from the 1890’s or earlier.

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

“A Person for our Time”

Time magazine has named its annual “Person of the Year,” and it is: ‘The Protester,’ acknowledging this years marches from Egypt to Occupy Wall Street.  When they saw the face of the protester on the cover, out of habit, UC Davis Police pepper-sprayed magazine stands.

Some who felt there were other, more important events or individuals decided to, well, protest.

The Protestors beat the likes of SEAL Team 6, Steve Jobs, and Herman Cain.  Meanwhile, cops beat the protesters.

"Swiss Bankroll"


A player at a Swiss casino who thought he won a $57 million jackpot is suing the casino that claimed the flashing screen was an error and denied his pay-out.  The casino is scared because in court, their odds of winning are only 50/50, the worst they’ve ever seen.

A true gambler, the man is suing for double or nothing.

“Single People, Double Digits”

America’s marriage rate for 2009 – 2010 dropped to a record low of 51%, down from 72% in 1960.  Experts are divided on the cause, unsure if it’s Kim Kardashian or Kris Humphries that’s really to blame.

The statistics show that the only ones who want to get married anymore are gay people.

Studies suggest that money may be a factor in people holding off marriage.  It is true that, in the current economy, it’s much harder than it used to be to find someone to marry for money.

Though most people are influenced to marry by their church, that message is contradicted the more powerful message of reality TV.

"Action Stopped"


Richard Dean Anderson, of MacGyver fame, got stuck on the side of the road when his car broke down in Malibu Tuesday.  A tow truck eventually showed up, but instead of towing the car, the driver gave Anderson 30 seconds to get his car started again using only the parts of his wristwatch and a flashlight before a time-bomb went off.

"Bret's Pets"

Bret Michaels is launching a line of pet accessories called “Pets Rock.”  The collection includes studded dog collars and tiny leather vests, all of which Bret Michaels, at one time or another, probably wore.

Michaels is quite the dog lover, which you already know if you’ve seen the women he slept with on Rock of Love.

Bret’s cool accessories even include bandanas for balding pets.

Dogs tend to love Bret Michaels and his products, at least when they are drunk.

“Hammer vs. Gavel”


MC Hammer is being sued for owing back taxes to the US government.  Hammer famously declared bankruptcy back in 1996, but the IRS still thinks he had pretty deep pockets.  Why else would he have worn those huge, baggy pants with the crotch that only went to the knees?

Like they say, they only 2 things that are certain in life are debt and taxes.

“Jobs Search”


Amazon.com’s  top selling book of 2011 is Steve Jobs’ biography.  So now author Walter Isaacson joins all those people at Microsoft who were glad when Jobs died.

Of course, there is the theory that an angry Bill Gates is trying to buy up every copy.

“Hair Ball”


A gambling website has purchased a piece of Michael Jackson’s hair with the intention of turning it into a ball for a roulette wheel.  The roulette ball will be the first part of Jackson’s body to ever circulate among people over 21.

It seems hard to believe; Michael's hair had so much relaxer in it, it's hard to imagine it ever curling into a ball.

The most awkward part is, when the roulette ball comes to a stop, everyone looks at Conrad Murray.

"Mail Ego" or “Post It”

The U.S. Postal Service is delaying the planned closure of 252 mail-processing centers from an April deadline to mid-May.  They figure that, by the middle of May, most of that April 1st mail should be delivered.

The shutdowns will leave 100,000 postal employees out of work.  The USPS is hoping to let these workers go before they have the opportunity to become disgruntled.

At least by laying them off, they won’t be able to afford firearms.

Many of the mail carriers plan to become male strippers.

“A Call to Stop All Calls”

The National Transportation Safety Board is calling for a national ban on all call phone use – including hands-free devices.  News of this spread quickly across the country, one freeway text message at a time.

The immediate reaction to the news from most drivers was, “ OMG.”

Some consider this to be an issue of personal freedom; a subject that always tugs at people’s emoticons.

“A Dollar Change”

Vice President Biden announced today that the U.S. Mint is halting production of $1 coins.  Biden was the perfect spokesman, since he, too, is obsolete.

The $1 coins have never proven popular.  Poor people spend them first because cash is lighter and easier to count and carry, and rich people don’t like that you can’t roll them up to snort anything through them.

A relief to the many concerned, the change is expected to have little or no impact on the coin purse industry.

"Politician Is his own Big Donor"

Bill Johnson, conservative Alabama politician has been caught in a scandal in New Zealand for donating sperm to at least 9 lesbian women, at least 3 of whom became pregnant.  As both a Christian and a sperm donor, he literally found new zeal.

The scandal is almost as big for the lesbians, for accepting sperm.

Having lost the Alabama gubernatorial race in 2010, he determined that its easier to win the popular vote, if you create the population yourself.

It was quite a surprise that Johnson impregnated these gay women, since they were never interested in any other Johnson.

“Sold by Volume”

After years of consumer complaints that TV commercials are much louder than the program content, the FCC passed new regulations Tuesday requiring  ads to be set at the same volume as the shows.  Now, viewers won’t have to cover their ears anymore, as they fast-forward through all the commercials.

Interestingly, every time broadcast television viewers turned down the volume, subscribers to HBO and Showtime turned up their noses.

Thursday, December 8, 2011

“Lohan Leaked”

The cover for the upcoming Playboy magazine featuring Lindsay Lohan has been leaked online, a week before the issue will be available.   It’s the first time anyone has been interested in Lindsay or Playboy in years.

The cover photo features Lindsay posed on a bunny shaped chair.  A posed shot was chosen over the all the candids because all of those captured Lindsay either doing drugs or stealing jewelry.

Lindsay is certainly no stranger to the camera, having spent the last few years on court TV and county jail security footage.

In the photos, Lindsay shows one of her body parts not normally seen by her fans: her ankle without an electronic monitoring device.

Playboy called the pictures ‘tasteful,’ because when you pay someone $1 million to pose nude, no matter what you ask them to do, you’re going to consider it tasteful.

Lindsay almost had a substance abuse relapse on the set due to a strong alcohol odor, but it was just Hef walking through smelling like formaldehyde.

“Obama Chill on Pill” or “President B. on Plan B”

President Obama said he supports the Department of Health and Human Services decision to restrict availability of the morning-after pill to girls under 17 by requiring a prescription.  He then glared and shook an accusing finger at Malia and Sasha.

To those 17 and older, the morning after pill is available over-the-counter, as long as you can handle the harsh, fluorescent lights at the drug store while you’re still hung over.

While the president didn’t comment directly on the over-the-counter availability of the drug for adults, he and Michelle exchanged a knowing glance and a relieved high-five.

Friday, December 2, 2011

“Inflated Facts”

A Florida trans-gendered woman is facing charges for running a black-market butt-enhancement business where she injected cement, Fix-a-Flat, and superglue into a patient’s buttocks.  The patient became suspicious that cement had been used, because as soon as her butt was smoothed out, someone made footprints in it before it could dry.

Asked why she used Fix-a-Flat tire sealant, the accused admitted, “I ran out of silly string and whipped cream.”

Accusations include practicing medicine without a license.  Though, based on the materials she was using, the closest thing she had to a medical license was a discount card for The Home Depot.

Can you believe she used super-glue to seal a cosmetic surgery injection site?  Everyone knows you have to caulk it.

“Marriage Wows”

Michelle Bachman said that she thinks its okay for gay people to get married as long as they marry a member of the opposite sex.   Just like her husband did.

“The Cain Mutiny” or "Sugar Cain"

A woman has come forward claiming to have had an ongoing affair for 13 years with Herman Cain.  Cain was quick to point out that a 13-year commitment is enough for more than 3 presidential terms.

Don't think this is being taken lightly by Cain's wife.  She always thought that her husband only sexually harassed women who weren't interested in him.

There has not yet been any comment from Mrs. Cain, but word on the street is, she is working on her 9-9-9 plan: getting her size 9 shoe or her size 9 foot to kick her husband’s ass 9 times over.

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

“Paper Trail”

Three scammers were busted in Florida for swindling senior citizens into buying high volumes of special toilet paper to comply with fake, government septic tank requirements.  Like the septic tanks, the scammers were full of it.

Seniors were targeted specifically by the phone scammers because they are the only people left who pick up their home phone.

Embarrassed victims were more than a little flushed.

Some of the seniors thought they were getting a great deal on special toilet paper, but they were just getting wiped out.

“Legal Circus”

The Ringling Bros. Barnum & Bailey Circus parent company agreed on a settlement with the USDA over charges of animal mistreatment.  The settlement was easily reached because both the circus’ representatives and the government officials are a bunch of clowns.

Federal inspections led to charges over treatment of the circus’ 54 pachyderms.  The settlement was reached once they addressed the elephant in the room.

Several major issues dealt specifically with the care of tigers and zebras cages and enclosures.  Until

those issues are resolved, stripes are officially out.

A chief complaint called out tigers’ feeding conditions.  From now on, the tigers will only eat Frosted Flakes.

Asked for comment, the tigers said “They’re Greeaaat!”  

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

R.I.P.

A moment of seriousness to pay my respects.
Patrice O'Neal, an out-spoken comedian known from several Comedy Central roasts, as well as many appearances on Tough Crowd with Colin Quinn, among other shows, passed away at the age of 41.
I remember meeting Patrice and watching him work when I was first starting out in stand-up in the mid 1990's in Boston.  He knew how to control the room, work the audience, and was very funny.  He was literally a tough act to follow.
My condolences to his family, friends, and fans.

“American Way”

American Airlines has filed for bankruptcy.  Their debts are so large they can no longer be carried-on.

Due to the company’s financial strains, all of their planes’ passenger cabins will now be even more pressurized.
To offset their costs, pilots will now be paid in frequent flyer miles.

The airline says that their biggest issues are labor and fuel costs.  To save money on both, they are going to cover most of their destinations by strapping their planes to the top of buses.

Employees are taking the news pretty hard.  Their faces looked so sad today, you’d think the luggage they lost was their own.

American’s debt ratio is so high, for the first time, the airline is actually living up to its name.

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

Wishing all of my fan(s) and reader(s) a very happy and healthy Thanksgiving holiday.  I am thankful to have the chance to do what I love - to write jokes.  And I don't know if those who read them really enjoy them, but I like to believe that my jokes are viewed and laughed at daily by hundreds of men, women, children, and unicorns.  yes, I believe that unicorns can read and have the internet.
I am thankful that I live in a country where I have the freedom to poke fun at our government, our leaders, and the issues of the day, without fear of censorship or persecution.  And I am thankful that there are people who share my point of view and appreciate my humor and silliness.  And that a blog never reveals when I have something stuck in my teeth or write in my underwear.
I am thankful to my family, to my friends, to my supporters.  Most of all I am thankful to God, for my family, friends, and supporters.  And a special thank you to the politicians, the Real Housewives, The cast of Jersey Shore, and all the Kardashians, for making it so easy to come up with jokes during otherwise tough times.  If Comedy is like a Thanksgiving holiday for the mind, you are surely the turkeys.

Monday, November 21, 2011

"The Family Perry"


Presidential hopeful Rick Perry has signed the conservative group Family Leader’s “marriage pledge,” which calls for personal upholding of the groups’ core values as well as a traditional definition of marriage to be written into a constitutional amendment.   Some were surprised that Perry signed, since it suggests he still thinks of his candidacy as relevant.

Those unfamiliar with Family Leader, it's an organization dedicated to conservative views on social issues, not, as it sounds, a title that some charismatic crazy guy gave himself to start his own cult.

“Toy Man”


Toy giant Mattel reported that their CEO, Robert Eckert, will retire at the end of the year.  The company made the announcement using their inside voice.

Eckert has headed the company for 11 years.  And now he’s winding down.

During the time he has lead the company, he has also learned a lot about sharing and waiting your turn.

Allegedly, Eckert got really tired of everyone at the company playing games with him.


The CEO will be replaced by an electronic version of Eckert.

Eckert says that once he retires from the toy business, he’s looking forward to more play time.

Luckily for Eckert, his predecessor, CEO Barbie, left really tiny shoes to fill.


As exiting CEO, Eckert has an attractive retirement package, but of course, batteries are not included.


“American / Italian Pie”

President Obama spoke to the new prime minister of Italy, Mario Monti, by phone Monday.  The president made faux pas, when he suggested that Italian economic reform should be delivered in 30 minutes or less.

The two spoke through an interpreter, an Italian-American from New York who speaks no Italian, but talks loudly and with broad hand-gestures.

Monti ended the conversation with Obama by utilizing an old Italian custom: he played Journey’s “Don’t Stop Believin’” on a diner jukebox, sat down to eat his onion rings, and then everything just went black.

Now that he is prime minister, Mario Monti wants to be known as Super Mario.

Thursday, November 17, 2011

“’Star’ Stars War”


A feud has erupted between William Shatner and Carrie Fisher, starting with Shatner claiming Star Trek to be superior to Star Wars, and then Fisher firing back.  It’s like two worlds colliding, and yes I’m making a fat joke about both of them.

So Captain Kirk and Princess Leia are going at it, but not at all in the way the obvious, ultimate sci-fi geek fantasy goes.

The Federation is on Kirk’s Side, but The Force is with Leia.

Only science fiction nerds are interested in this feud.  Because no one else wants to watch two old broads fighting.

Why don't the two of them get the foreplay over with and start making sweet Wookie?

"Flight Number 2"

The pilot of a plane bound for LaGuardia Airport in New York got trapped in the airplane bathroom when the door jammed.  Fortunately, the pilot was able to free himself and return to the cockpit, but only after having made a splash landing.

When a passenger who discovered the trapped pilot tried to alert the co-pilot through the cockpit door, the co-pilot feared it might have been a terrorist.  But actually, the pilot stuck in the bathroom was the one who had already dropped a bomb.

The rest of the flight crew remained calmed, but the pilot was mostly flushed.

The pilot escaped from the bathroom and made an emergency landing.  He may have even left skid-marks.
Fortunately, the pilots are highly trained.  Potty trained.

Shooter Puts ‘Ass’ in ‘Attempted Assassin’”


Oscar Ramiro Ortega-Hernandez, the man arrested for firing two shots at the White House yesterday, is being charged with attempting to assassinate the president or his staff.  Obviously the man was attempting assassination, since he is known by three names.

The president was not at the White House at the time; he’s on a trip to Australia and Indonesia.  So this guy’s aim was WAY off.

"Foreign Relations"

In a new campaign, Benetton ads show several doctored pictures in which it appears that pairs of top world leaders are kissing on the mouth, including one with President Obama and Chinese Leader Hu Jintao.  It’s obvious the photos are fake; if they were real, Obama would be kissing China’s ass.

The one obvious pair of political figures missing from the collection is Hillary Clinton and Bill Clinton.  Not even Photoshop could get those two to lock lips.

"TSA Screened"

A new Congressional report calls the TSA “bloated” and “ineffective.”  The report got through to Washington by airplane, completely undetected.

Had the report been a message in a bottle, however, a TSA agent would have forced the carrier to throw the bottle away before boarding.

The House Transportation Committee is troubled over their findings about the TSA.  But they are even more upset about the fact that, from now on, whenever they go through any airport, they can each expect a body cavity search.

"Sexiest Man"


Bradley Cooper was given People Magazine’s “Sexiest Man Alive” annual title in this week’s issue.  One of the surprise runners- up was one of Cooper’s Hangover co-stars.  Mike Tyson’s tiger.

(Well, you didn’t think it was going to be Zach Galifianakis, did you?)

"Sharp Ad" or "Baby Safety with an Edge"

Milwaukee’s Health Department has come under fire for an ad showing a baby sleeping next to a butcher knife meant to make a point about the dangers of sleeping an infant in bed with his parents.  The only reason a young child should ever go to bed with a butcher knife at his side is if Penn State’s Jerry Sandusky is nearby.

What the picture doesn’t tell you is that this baby is an award-winning chef with his own show on the Food Network.

The real problem with people sleeping with babies is that, then you have babies having babies.

This same poster is going to be used by 2nd Amendment advocates the next time tougher gun laws are proposed, to say, “See?  This is what will happen if you take babies’ guns away.”

"A Shot at the White House"

A man was arrested Wednesday for allegedly firing 2 shots at the White House Friday night, one of which hit a bullet-proof window.  Tea partiers blame the incident on the decline of the neighborhood since President You-Know-Who moved in.

The 2 bullets were recovered and the weapon they came from was found – at taxpayers’ expense, complained Republicans.

"Bieber Baby Claim Bounced"

Mariah Yeater, the woman who claimed that Justin Bieber was the father of her baby, dropped her paternity suit last week, after Bieber denied the claims, volunteered to take a DNA test, and had his lawyers preparing a lawsuit against her.  But what really got her to drop the suit was when it came out  that Justin Bieber is a girl.

Her only evidence was that she’d named the alleged love-child after Bieber.  She calls the baby Big Money.

You know, to make her claim more believable, she should at least have waited for Justin to hit puberty.

When the story broke, Bieber immediately denied knowing the woman, and his comment was, “I’ll always be a target, but I’ll never be a victim.”  Justin, that’s not entirely true.  You won’t have to worry about being a target five years from now, when you’ll be a forgotten has-been.

At that point, you’re comeback options will be to either star in a reality show, or to actually impregnate a current pop star.

If you go on a television interview claiming that you’re baby is Justin Bieber’s, but then quickly drop that claim, you have to go back on television, just to be ridiculed.  It will be good practice for when you go back on TV soon after, to find out the real baby daddy on Maury Povich.

Or, if you’re going to falsely claim that a celebrity fathered your baby, you at least have to do the proper preparation.  Research the celebrity.  Like, in the case of Justin Bieber, interview his pediatrician to make sure the kid’s got a penis.  Get a Bieber wig and sneakers for the baby to wear in front of the paparazzi.  It won’t fool anyone, but you’ll actually get better press if the media thinks you’re crazy instead of an lying gold-digger.

"Red Flags"

Former Penn State assistant coach Jerry Sandusky, who has been charged in 40 incidents involving 8 boys, says that he enjoys being around children, having a good time with them, and admits to showering and ‘horsing around’ with them, but says he’s not a pedophile.  What is he, then?  A pedo-perv?  A pedo-pig?  A Mega-pedophile?

Sandusky denies any wrongdoing.  That’s okay, in a future case of karma, so will his inmates in prison.

The charges stem from incidents going back to 1994, meaning the boys are all grown men now.  That’s disappointing to Sandusky, who just doesn’t find them as attractive anymore.

“L.A. Incling”

Kat Von D has written on Facebook and Twitter that she is “moving on” from her relationship with Jesse James, having discovered 19 women that he has cheated on her with, over the last year.  She realizes now that she should have seen the writing on the skin. 

The pair had bonded over their mutual love of tattoos, but apparently, Jesse was cheating before the ink was dry.

Nineteen different women?  That’s not just the lion’s share.  That’s more like Tiger’s share.

Kat tweeted about it extensively.  And when she got past 140 characters, she just tattooed the rest of the message on herself.

"Locker oUt" or "School Budgets Won't Foot Lockers"

In a new space and money-saving trend, trend many high schools are getting rid of lockers.  With electronic books and laptops replacing textbooks and notebooks, the change makes sense in many districts, but leaves questions like, without lockers, where will students put things like jackets, backpacks, and nerds?

Critics say getting rid of lockers is making high school just like riding on an airplane.  You have to keep your cell phone turned off, hold your coat in your lap, and hide your weed in your underwear for 6 straight hours. 

"A Different World"

At the University of Southern Mississippi, a group of white sorority girls dressed for an 80’s-themed costume party caused a flap by wearing blackface make-up, dressed as the Huxtable family from The Cosby Show.  

Although, to be fair, to many people, the students dressed as two oldest Huxtable daughters still looked white.

Neither the university nor the national office for the sorority find the situation at all amusing, but that’s because this Huxtable family has no laugh track.

Bill Cosby was just disappointed that those girls who got themselves into college weren’t really black.

The students contend that they had no racist intentions and are very embarrassed.  When they said their faces were red, they were condemned by Native American groups.

Thursday, November 10, 2011

“My Big, Fat, Greek Government”


On Thursday, Lucas Papademos was named the new prime minister over a new interim government in Greece, and he immediately called for unity among Greeks.  Unfortunately, that just made most of Europe picture Greeks physically stuck together.

Many in the US have been unaware of the recent deadlock among Greece’s political players and the entities they represent.  In fact, when asked to name a Greek party, the most common answer among Americans is the Toga party.

“Two out of Three Ain’t Bad”


Texas Governor Rick Perry made a blunder in the Republican presidential debate Wednesday night, when trying to list the 3 federal agencies he has promised to eliminate, he cited the Departments of Education and Commerce, but could not recall the Dept. of Energy.  To remember, all he had to do was think of what his campaign has ran out of.

According to Einstein’s Theory of Relativity, Energy and Matter are the same thing, in different states.  The proof: Perry’s candidacy is no matter. 

Maybe in Texas, but not in different states.

Perry’s supporters have their own spin.  They say the Department of Energy is so unnecessary that it doesn’t even bear mentioning.

As governor of Texas, Perry never has to worry about remembering lists.  When he’s asked, “Should we flip the switch on this electric chair?” he just has to shake his head ‘yes’ or ‘no.’ 


After the debate, Perry was asked if he planned to continue to run, or would he step down.  Perry said that he is not stepping down; he still plans to host the Oscars.

“Eddie Out, Billy In”



Billy Crystal has accepted the role of host of the Academy Awards, replacing Eddie Murphy.  But Crystal will do one of Murphy’s planned bits: He’s going to get made-up to look and talk like an old Jewish guy.

With Crystal hosting, this year’s highlight will be when he forces Betty White to do one-armed push-ups.

Billy’s been out of the spotlight for a while.  In fact, when he was first announced as the host, people were overheard saying, “Billy Crystal?  Which one is that, the guy from Slingblade, or Hannah Montana’s Dad?”


Reaction to the news of Crystal hosting has really been mixed: some cheered, some scoffed, and Meg Ryan faked an orgasm.

"Locker Room Humor"


In a big move past co-ed dorms, Grinnell College in Iowa is now allowing gender-neutral locker rooms.  In so doing, they are attempting to elevate higher learning by making it more like an R-rated college movie.

It will be the first time guys will need a cold shower when they were already in the shower.

Critics warn that a co-ed locker room can only lead to one thing: a bunch of naked guys hanging around close to young women in tightly closed, body-length towels.

Some academics argue that many colleges already have co-ed locker rooms.  They’re called frat houses.

Male students who plan on spending a lot of time hanging around the co-ed locker waiting to see naked girls are invited to major in disappointment.

To go along with the policy change, Grinnell is also thinking of changing its name to Porno University. 

"Home Schooling"


On Thursday, Idaho’s Board of Education approved a measure requiring high school students to complete at least 2 credits online in order to graduate. Critics say more online courses cost teachers jobs, but those who fail to comply will be replaced with robots who will.

"Murphy's Law"


Eddie Murphy has withdrawn from his upcoming gig hosting the Academy Awards.  No, Murphy won’t be there.  Instead, the Oscars will be hosted by the Nutty Professor Sherman Klump’s hilarious, elderly grandmother (wink wink.) 

Murphy was scheduled to host, but it seems that 2 rich, old men made a bet to see if they could manipulate Murphy and Dan Aykroyd towards trading places.

"In the Red for Christmas"


The Obama administration is delaying and revisiting the so-called “Christmas tree tax”.  Conservatives say that this is what Obama means when he says he wants America to go green.

Obama still supports the fee, which is only 15 cents per tree, but Republicans can’t wait to chop it down.

Friday, October 28, 2011

“Lettuce Request”

Lady Gaga has been asked by PETA to wear a dress made entirely out of lettuce while appearing in India.  Gaga hasn’t responded to the request yet.  Likely she is searching for the right words, since she wouldn’t want to look ridiculous.

If Gaga agrees to wear the lettuce dress, her appearance in it promises to be raw.

The dress would only be wearable once, after which, the lettuce would be tossed.

These, are of course, Gaga’s salad days.

PETA was going to follow Gaga around until she agreed to wear celery, but they didn’t want to stalk her.

India’s branch of PETA wants Gaga to promote a vegetarian lifestyle.  The question is, are vegetarians born this way?


PETA considered asking Gaga to wear a carrot, but they reconsidered when they realized people might mistake it for her penis.

Thursday, October 27, 2011

"Dead Dictator"

Moammar Ghadhafi was buried in a hidden, unmarked grave at dawn Tuesday.  Loyalists may still be able to identify the grave, however, since it’s the only one around with a ridiculous perm.

Experts say an unmarked grave isn’t really necessary.  In that part of the world, a grave marked “Tyrannical dictator who condoned torture and supported terrorism” could be almost anybody.

In death, Ghadhafi is very much as he was in the last days of his life.  Hated to the point of going underground.

"Gun Bust"

Five New York City police officers and three retired officers were arrested for smuggling firearms and stolen cigarettes in an FBI sting operation.   The sting went down once the feds had the smoking gun.

After all their years on the job, these policemen Police were determined to find out if crime really doesn’t pay.

These New York cops did one thing that no one else has been able to do in 10 years - make the FBI look good.

"A Kind Gesture"


Employees at the Affinia hotels in New York and other cities are being trained to read guests’ body language to help make their stay more enjoyable.  For example, couples who are touching each other and showing affection in public aren’t really “Mr. and Mrs.” anybody, no matter how they sign in.

They were taught that  if a housekeeper walks into their hotel room and they are having sex, that body language means they forgot to put up the “Do Not Disturb” sign.

"Rometty Wasn't Built in a Day"


IBM has named Virginia Rometty to become its new CEO, the first woman to hold that title in the company’s history.  Not only that, but for most IBM employees, she’s the first woman to ever talk to them.

And you thought those tech nerds were intimidated by girls before...

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

"The Dinner Party"


In a  poll where a research group asked people which Republican presidential candidate they would most want to have dinner with, the winner was Herman Cain, with 29%.  That’s mainly because they assumed Cain can get free all-you-can-eat pizza anytime he wants.

Cain was the most popular choice among Republicans just because most of them have never had dinner with a black man before.

They chose Cain just so they could say “Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner?”

The biggest difference in the dine-with-a-candidate philosophy was this: Republicans would write off the dinner on their taxes as a business expense, while Democrats think the government should just pay for it.

“Laser Battles”

The FAA reports that laser pointers hitting the cockpits of airplanes in flight are increasing.  Due to the potential danger of temporarily blind a pilot, the FAA is raising the current civil fine of $11,000 up to having a plane crash into you and your laser pointer.

If laser attacks on planes continue to increase, the airlines will start fighting back by imposing laser shield fees on all passengers.

“Luggage Locked and Loaded” or “Bullet Plane”

A loaded handgun fell out of a duffel bag as the bag was being loaded onto a Portland, Oregon-bound flight out of LAX Sunday.  The TSA doesn’t scan or search checked baggage, but they are giving their assurance that future passengers will really be felt up about it.

Guns may be checked, but are not supposed to have ammunition in them.  But just like pilots, every so often, one gets through, loaded.

While this incident was embarrassing for LAX, they made up for it by confiscating hundreds of harmless water bottles.

“Hyper Girls”

http://yourlife.usatoday.com/health/medical/pediatrics/story/2011-10-24/BPA-may-make-girls-anxious-hyperactive-study-says/50884230/1
A study released in Pediatrics magazine says that the chemical BPA, found in many common hard plastics, may cause anxiety, depression, and hyperactivity in girls whose mothers had high exposure during pregnancy.  Plastics companies say that this is a perfect way to prepare young girls for the effects of their own eventual pregnancies.

“J.Low”

In a live concert Saturday night, Jennifer Lopez broke down crying after performing a song that featured a dance routine including look-alikes of her and her famous exes.  Also really crying: anyone who bought a ticket to see that.

J.Lo was a little embarrassed at her emotional display, but by making up a dancer to look like her, she really made a big ass, of herself.

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

“Social Security Benefiters to Benefit”


Social Security benefits will go up for the first time in 3 years in 2012, increasing by 3.6%.  This means that instead of having poor senior have to eat out of other people’s garbage cans, those seniors will now be able to afford their own garbage cans.

The idea for the increase is to compensate for inflation, but not enough to let senior citizens afford Viagra, since no one ones to picture old people doing it.

The official name for the increase is Cost of Living Adjustment, or COLA.  They call it “COLA” because recipients are excited to get it, but it doesn’t take long for the fizz to go out.

“Star-Light”

Starbucks has introduced its new, lighter coffee, calling it a “blonde roast.”  While Starbucks classic roasts have been labeled dark or bitter by some, there is already a preconceived notion that the blonde roast will be dumb and slutty.

That, of course, will make it popular.

The heavy marketing of the lighter coffee is an expensive initiative, but as the saying goes, “Blondes have more funds.”

“Gimme a ‘G’”


At the World Scrabble Championships in Warsaw, Poland, a letter “G” was noticed to be missing from a game set only at the last draw and was replaced with another by the referee after all attempts to find the original had failed.  When asked how he felt about the game, the winner suspiciously answered, “GGreat.”

The search for the missing letter even went so far as to demand that the players empty their pockets.  Since they are World Champion level players, neither of them had the letter.  Since they are World Champion Scrabble players, neither of them had any money, either.

According to the official rules, the replacement “G” was a letter of apology.

Since the G was dropped, the competitors were not really playing Scrabble, but were merely playin.’

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

“Underwear Bomber: Guilty Pleasure?”

Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab, the so-called “Underwear Bomber” pleaded guilty to trying to blow up a plane as a passenger in flight, on Christmas, 2009.  He had originally planned to plead not guilty, but was convinced to change both his plea and his underwear.

Umar called the bomb he carried a “Blessed weapon,” which was proven to be true when, instead  of killing innocent people on a plane, it just burned his junk.

In reference to the underwear incident, he read from a brief, not boxer, statement.

In addition to possible consecutive life sentences, the 8 charges to which he pleaded carry fines of $250,000 as well.  So by blowing up his underwear, he really lost his ass.

Details of his injuries were not specific, but it is widely believed that since his bomb went off, there’s no more fruit in the loom.

The bomber threatened the United States with further violence, adding, “If you laugh at us now, we will laugh at you later.”  The United States, meanwhile, did not laugh at any violence, but couldn’t help but chuckle at the guy who ignited a bomb in his own underwear and burned his butt off.

Because of his bad underwear experience, if he ever plans another military style attack, he’d prefer to go commando.

“Protection for Teens”

A new federal survey finds that teens between 15 and 19 are using condoms more often than they used to, up to 80% from 71%.  In that age group, those who said they have had sex were most likely to use condoms as contraception, while nerds are using them as paintball grenades.

According to the survey, boys are less likely to want to use a condom when they have sex, but their willingness to use one increases dramatically if they have a partner.

“Art Imitates Life” or “Exhibitionist Plans Exhibit”

Marni Kotak, a New York performance artist who is pregnant, has transformed a gallery space into a birthing center and plans to delivery her baby, for real,  in front of a live audience as a performance.  The sex of the baby is not publicly known, but once born, it will be called Art.

She is calling the performance “The Birth of Baby X.”  The “X” is for “X-Rated.”

Warning: the first 3 rows will get wet.

Kotak will have a mid-wife to assist in the birth, but not a doctor, because, what do they know about art?

Since becoming pregnant, Marni has mainly had a craving for attention.

“Long Distance Baby” or "Race Is Not an Issue"


On Sunday, an Illinois woman who ran the Chicago Marathon at 39 weeks pregnant went into labor after completing the race and gave birth to a baby girl.  Several other runners’ water broke during the marathon, but none of them were pregnant.

The baby was 7 lbs., 13 oz., but she is already trying to lose the baby fat and get in shape for her next marathon. 

“Cheating Dog”


A man was arrested for throwing a hot dog at Tiger Woods on the 7th green at the Frys.com open Sunday.   The hot dog missed, and the man was not identified, but had the hot dog hit Tiger in the face, the attacker would surely have been identified as Karma.

Hot dog or no hot dog, Woods finished tied for 30th place, with no chance to catsup.

Friday, October 7, 2011

“Super Surgery”


A Filipino man has gotten multiple plastic surgeries to resemble Superman.  But, unfortunately, when he puts on his eyeglasses, the resemblance is completely lost.

In a paradox, the man is now so much like Superman, the surgeons' scalpels no longer can penetrate his skin.

Though he likes to wear the costume with the “S” on his chest, on his forehead, the man will always have an imaginary “L” for “loser.”

The man cares so much about his appearance, he has transformed into his own comic book character, 'Super-Ficial.'

“Museum of Modern Arnie”


Arnold Schwarzenegger flew to the town of Thal, Austria, were he grew up, to dedicate the museum that was his boyhood home.  It is unknown if that home originally had a Mexican housekeeper for him to have sex with.

Arnold unveiled a statue in his likeness, but continues to conceal additional, illegitimate children in his likeness.

"Disney Baby”


A Delaware woman is facing charges for trying to sell her baby to get money for a trip to Disney World.  In her defense, raising a child is, in many ways, like a roller coaster ride.

The mother was offered $15,000.  Many parents in poor countries around the globe would have to admit at least being tempted over such an offer, proving it’s a small world after all.

“Ratings Drop”

Arthur C. Nielsen, Jr., former president of the Nielsen company that measures TV ratings, has died at age 92.  His funeral was attended by 100 people, but that represents millions of American homes.

R.I.P. Steve Jobs or "Lost Jobs" or "iDead"


Apple founder Steve Jobs died of pancreatic cancer on Wednesday at age 56.  He was immediately brought to the Apple Store to be fixed or replaced for free.

In a related story, Bill Gates is still alive, but is prone to contracting viruses.

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

“Player Haters” or “Dice Men”


The Wynn Las Vegas is suing a group of craps players whom they say cheated to win $700,000.  They are also seeking punitive damages in the form of free rooms and meals at the players’ homes anytime except specific black-out days.

The casino wants their guests who play fairly to know there is nothing to be alarmed about, and invite them to stay at the tables and keep losing money.

“Shrank Williams, Jr.” or “Are You Ready for Some Fallout?”


ESPN decided to pull Hank Williams, Jr.’s famous opening theme song for Monday Night Football following comments the singer made comparing Barack Obama to Adolph Hitler.  Williams claims his words were misunderstood, but is having a harder time explaining his plea to change the presidential anthem “Hail to the Chief” to “Are you Ready for Some Hitler?”

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

“Beetle in the Bush”


An Asian beetle called the bean plataspid may be helping farmers in the U.S. by eating harmful kudzu, a vine that damages crops and trees, but no one is quite sure how the insects got into the U.S.  In fact, they only know the bugs are Asian because of their high math scores.

“Taxi Down the Runway” or “Cash Cab”


NASA released a statement saying that they would fund the building and testing of taxi vehicles developed by up to 4 private companies for space travel.  The budget shared between the four is almost $270 million, but the taxi drivers will still only carry $5 change.

“Carnival Tragedy”


Witnesses say they saw a man jump overboard from the top deck of a Carnival Cruise Ship.  All that is known about the man is that he spent the 3 previous hours in a lounge listening to karaoke.  As a result, his death is being ruled “natural causes.”

Some guests were shocked at the news, but most were relieved at the idea of one less person in front of them at the buffet line.

“Right to Vote, Privilege to Drive”


Saudi Arabia’s King Abdullah has issued a decree that will allow women to vote starting in 2015, but they still cannot drive.  This is what happens when the queen wants to use the car.

“Fur Trade”

West Hollywood’s City Council unanimously voted to ban the sale of fur last week.  But as is always the case in West Hollywood, stubble is welcome.

This is good news for animal rights activists, but bad news for the fur trade, fashion industry, and foxes and rabbits desperate to make a buck.

Futures on furs were immediately trimmed.

“A Tenser Spencer”


Us Weekly reports that Spencer Pratt is broke and can’t get a job.  Finally, some good unemployment news.

Pratt says he can’t find work.  Of course, his idea of a looking for work is holding up a cardboard sign on the side of a red carpet.

Pratt is finally learning that there is no pay or benefits from just being a professional a**hole.

Friday, September 23, 2011

“Chinese Idol X'ed"

Chinese censors have cancelled the country's version of "American Idol".  The government there doesn't want to air anything that encourages voting or pursuing your dreams.

“Idol” would have been a bit different in China, anyway.  Instead of poor singers being critiqued by celebrity judges, after their performance they are declared enemies of the state and put in prison for 7 to 10 years.

The Chinese version would have been closer to “North Korean Idol,” which is judged every year and won by Kim Jong Il.

“Payroll Drop” or “Late Employees”


A government report discovered that over $600 million has been paid out in the name of disabled federal workers and retirees after those employees had died.  Because they worked for the federal government, there was no way to tell the living ones from the dead.

So dead employees continue to get paid, but they don’t continue to receive health benefits.

The government actually prefers dead employees, because they don’t request time off.

When federal employees or pension recipients die, the usual practice is that their pay benefits only last until a new administration is voted in.

The government was finally forced to stop payment to employees who had passed on, but only because the afterlife is considered overtime.

"Travolta's Hot Car"


John Travolta had a vintage car stolen in Santa Monica on Sunday.  Describing the car for police, Travolta said, “This car is automatic.  It's systematic.  It's hy...dromatic.  Why, it's Greased Lightning!”

The missing car was last seen mysteriously taking off and flying into the air over a high school carnival, with Olivia Newton-John in the passenger seat.


The car was recovered at a drag race at Thunder Road.

Travolta estimated the car to be worth more than the rest of the Sweat-hogs have made in their entire careers, combined.

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

“Stripped of Life”

Two men were arrested in Denver for driving around with their dead friend and using his ATM card to pay for a visit to a strip club.  Needless to say, what was supposed to be a harmless evening of fun began to decay quickly.

Six of the strippers were selected to attend the funeral as the pole-bearers.

The next day, the corpse was still the least disgusting thing found on a couch in the VIP room.

"Many, Many See ‘Men’”


The season premiere of Two and a Half Men, with Ashton Kutcher joining the cast, drew 28 million viewers, which is far more than any other season.  Meanwhile, Charlie Sheen was at a public park, being watched by a handful of random passers-by and his ex-wife’s private investigator.

Monday’s viewership was a record high.  While Men has been TV’s top-rated comedy for years, it was previously always Charlie who was on a record high.

“White House De-Fence"


A man who jumped the fence and was running towards the western entrance of The White House Tuesday afternoon was stopped and apprehended by uniformed secret service officers.   The man appeared to pose no threat; he was just a Tea Partier who thought this is how you run for president.

Once the man was identified, agents told him, “If you want to see the president, just make an appointment like everyone else, Vice President Biden.”