“House Money”

The House of Representatives approved an additional $2 billion for the “cash for clunkers” automotive program Friday, designed as an incentive for car-owners to trade in gas-guzzlers for more fuel efficient cars. The program is good for consumers, and great for the automakers that made the original clunkers.

“Inflation”

Honda recalled 440,000 Accord and Civic models Friday over a safety hazard from a defective air-bag inflator. Meanwhile, American-made cars continue to thoroughly blow.

“X-Ray or X-Rated?”

In place of traditional metal detectors, the Transportation Security Administration will begin testing full body scanners at the Cleveland Airport next week. Controversy has already erupted over privacy issues, since the machines can see through clothing. Administrators responded by encouraging pretty women to start flying out of Cleveland.

“Job Skills”

Due to the recession, millions of Americans have undergone radical job changes. In fact, in the past year, both New York and Alaska saw a governor leave their job to become a laughingstock.

Are you listening, (SC Gov.) Mark Sanford?

“Jacksons’ Action”

Michael Jackson’s mother, Katherine, was awarded custody of Michael’s 3 children this week. It had been Michael’s wish that his children always remain with someone who looks nothing like any of them.

“Sperm-anant Press”

The scientific journal Nature retracted a study wherein British Scientists claimed to have created artificial sperm. The scientists say they will try again, hoping to make a come-back.

“Brief Mission”

Japanese astronaut Koicha Wakata returned from the International Space Station this week, where his mission included testing new underpants made for life in space. Their first discovery: when you ride up in space, your underwear rides up, too.

The underpants are made to be super-absorbent of sweat, insulated, quick-drying, and antibacterial. The only known design flaw is that they have not been able to make them wedgie-proof.

The real question was, in the tense moments leading up to a landing back on earth, coull the underwear handle a splashdown?

Space agencies are trying to extend the life of disposable garments used in space, since there isn’t a sufficient water supply to wash them. Dry cleaning is out of the question, based on the risk that the astronauts might forget their ticket.

The European Space Agency is way ahead of NASA in both the “not washing clothes” and “not bathing” areas.

Mr. Wakata did not change his underwear more than once a month during the test, an element described as the “mother’s shame” factor.

Japan was confident in Wakata’s piloting skills, as well, stating that he could land a space shuttle on any runway, without so much as leaving a skid mark.

As in previous shuttle missions, no one wanted to see a crack in the equipment.

Strict military rank and protocol prevent any astronauts from voluntarily “going commando.”

Following his return to Earth, Wakata was immediately debriefed.

“Protection Racket”

President Obama said that any health care bill he signs must also include consumer protections. For starters, everyone will get their own Secret Service.

“Slithering Heights”

Poison control centers have reported a sharp increase in snake bites this summer. Some experts says urban sprawl may be to blame. The danger lies where people build homes in the snakes’ natural environment, and then they get foreclosed and the snakes buy up the property.

The demand for anti-venom is up, also due to toxic home loans.

Unscrupulous mortgage lenders are not fazed by this, as most have been called far worse things than a snake.

“Dark News”

Research in 20 different studies all conclude that tanning beds increase risks for skin cancer by 75%. That’s comparable to the risk of lung cancer associated with smoking, just to show you how cool tanning is.

Cancer risks for those who don’t use sun-beds are pale by comparison.

Since tanning beds can cause melanoma, a potentially fatal form of skin cancer, users have begun using tanning beds with outside handles, for the convenience of the pall-bearers.

Some at risk for cancer argue that they may as well continue to go to tanning salons, instead of soaking up natural sunlight, because you can’t sue the sun.

Just a random grouping...

Since Michael Vick’s NFL reinstatement yesterday, he is waiting to see if any football teams want to hire him. The league has special restrictions imposed on him since completing his 18-month prison term, and they plan to keep Vick on a short leash.


Magic has caught on as a popular art form and huge business in China, with performances popping up everywhere and entertainers touring the country. The most popular magic act in China: The Incredible Shrinking U.S. Dollar.


A religious groups’ study found that most Mormons feel their values threatened by Hollywood. Meanwhile, a Hollywood study found that most Mormons also feel threatened by facts and common sense.

“A Heavy Burden”

The annual cost of obesity in America has soared to a record $147 billion, double the amount only 10 years ago. Apparently, when obese people are hungry, they will even eat money.

The figures are based on calculations for all medical-related expenses. Heart disease and diabetes account for a high percentage of the health costs, and the rest is from damages from busting through the doorways of the hospital cafeteria.

American doctors are sweating over these statistics, while their patients’ obese bodies are sweaty just from blinking.

American officials are looking for solutions to the problem of sedentary lifestyles. Professors will golf cart over all over campus to meet, or else Skype into these talks.

“Vick-torious”

Former Atlanta Falcons uarterback Michael Vick was reinstated to play football in the NFL Monday, followinghis 20-month prison term. Vick hopes to be signed for the upcoming season, and hopes that his past won’t continue to dog him.

“Calling the Cops”

President Obama called the police officer who arrested Harvard’s Professor Gates, and cited his initial comment that police “acted stupidly” an unfortunate word choice.” Obama said he didn’t mean to slight the police. He may be the president, but as a black man, he knows not to slight the police.

Obama was then followed by several Secret Service agents, all of whom deny racially profiling the president.

“Career Blown?”

In Florida, Fort Myers Beach, town council fired Scott Janke, the town manager, after discovering his wife is an adult film actress. Janke and his wife are now individually seeking brand new positions.

The council says they acted to avoid a news leak that the town manager’s wife worked in porn. Since then, politicians have been carefully analyzing the porn.

Experts say that had the town council done nothing, not only would the public be unaware of the adult film actress; they would never even have heard of Fort Myers Beach.

Janke’s will have to look for a new job, but not the kind his wife gives.

The town decided to screw Janke, since that’s what his wife was doing with everyone else.

Interestingly, this story features a man in a political career who didn’t have sex with someone other than his wife, but she had sex with others and her husband knew about it the whole time. It’s the reverse Mark Sanford.

“Artificial Turf”

A professor at the University of Tokyo has developed 2 robots that play baseball. So far, in slow pitch mode, one pitches 90% in the strike zone, and the other only swings at what’s in the strike zone and hits nearly 100% of those. Both robots, however, are regularly juiced with performance enhancing substances.

The pitching robot hand has only 3 fingers, so there is still a middle one to extend to an umpire.

If the robots get to be proficient as is hoped, maybe some day George Steinbrenner can fire them.

The robots are attracting a lot of attention. Half is from the scientific community, and the other half is from models who hope to become rich trophy wives.

The professor is working to perfect the ball-playing robots. In the next phase they are being programmed to spit tobacco.

Research has stalled briefly, as the robots are demanding more money.

In the future, with a whole team assembled, these robots may be able use a variety of different skills to kill John Conner and crush humanity.

“Winehouse off the Hook, and Probably the Wagon”

After hearing the case this week which alleged that Amy Winehouse had punched a fan during a photo op, a London judge acquitted Winehouse on the charge of assault. Now Amy can get back to her true calling: assaulting her own liver.

“If the Jersey Fits”

In New Jersey, an FBI sting operation led to the arrest of over 40 people including 3 mayors and 2 state legislators in a massive corruption bust. Now, when politicians talk about cleaning up the stink in New Jersey, they aren’t even being literal.

“Short Statement”

Amy Winehouse, who faced charges of punching a fan in the face, testified in a London court Thursday that she was too short to have punched the woman. By which she meant “short on booze.”

“Nitrate Rangers”

The Cancer Project, an anti-meat group, is suing to get hot dog packaging to be labeled with cancer warnings. Manufacturers think it’s sufficient to label their packages, “Warning: contains all the stuff that goes into hot dogs.”

The most likely cause of any processed meat related cancer is, of course, smoking meats.

Meanwhile, an anti-fossil fuels group is suing to get hot dog packaging to be labeled with gas warnings.

“Doggy Heaven”

Gidget, the Chihuahua made famous in the “Yo quiero Taco Bell” commercials has died. Her family has been receiving hundreds of flour tortilla bouquets.

Her owners have said she will most likely be cremated, in a fire that will at first be mild, then hot, then flaming.

It has been revealed that Gidget was the perfect mascot for Taco Bell, since she didn’t mind eating her own poo.

“Black Ops” or “Cambridge Officers’ Faces Harvard Crimson”

The arrest of Harvard University Professor Henry Louis Gates at his home after neighbors reported a break-in at that address has prompted debates over racial profiling. So far, most African Americans are against it.

Gates says he was treated suspiciously because he is black. Unfortunately, most white people don’t trust the source of that information.

The charges were dropped by the Cambridge police, but much to their dismay, the professor remains black.

“Phone Disconnected” or "Dead Zone"

A factory worker in China who lost one of the 16 4th generation iPhone prototypes in existence committed suicide. Apple customers have been surprised to learn that there was even an app for that.

Coincidentally, a Nokia worker who dropped a floor model was grief stricken and deliberately gave himself a paper cut.

“Light Skin”

Japanese scientists have discovered that the human body actually glows, emitting very low levels of visible light, as detected by extremely light-sensitive cameras. Their research proves that Japan has stoner scientists.

“Coke Is It”

The U.S. Coast Guard seized roughly 1,600 lbs. of cocaine last week on a boat near Venezuela. In other news, Kate Moss has cancelled her weekend house party.

“Suited for Space Travel”

Two astronauts on the 3rd of 5 planned spacewalks returned early to the International Space Station Wednesday after one of them had a problem with his suit. Apparently, in space, pinstripes are out of fashion.

“Lighter Side of the Dark”

Yesterday’s solar eclipse over Asia was met with enthusiasm and wonder for the 6 minute duration, when the skies darkened in the middle of the day. This was especially true in Japan, where they were just glad that, for once, it wasn’t Godzilla.

“Resigned to Sell”

The Watergate Hotel is up for sale. The hotel boasts comfortable rooms and historical status. As for security, it hasn’t had a break-in in 37 years.

No offers have been made yet, but Republican operatives are confident that they can get it for a steal.

“Land of the Blocked Out Sun”

The longest full solar eclipse of the 21st Century lasted over 6 minutes over mainland Asia and much of Japan Tuesday. Men all over Asia were relieved to find out that anything lasting 6 minutes is considered extraordinary.

Since Hollywood reported the moon’s ability to completely block the sun, the moon has now developed a complex and an eating disorder.

“Alec Baldwin’s Brother Famous for Some Reason”

Actor Stephan Baldwin filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy in New York on Tuesday. Movie fans probably know Baldwin from this bankruptcy filing story.

“Heavy Case”

In South Carolina, the mother of a 14-year-old, morbidly obese boy is being charged with child abuse for letting him get up to 555 lbs. The case could set a very wide precedent.

There have been a few similar cases in other states, where they have been able to work out a no-jail deal, but there was literally a ton of paperwork.

The number of obese children in America is breaking through the ceiling, while the kids themselves are breaking through the floor.

“Setting the Bar”

Starbucks Coffee will be opening a new store next week called “15th Avenue” where they will be selling beer and wine along with coffee and tea. In response to this threat to their market, local bars will raise their price on coffee by $3.

Starbucks will be using the new name because there was no location left in America for one more Starbucks.

The beer and wine will sell for $4 to $7, and will feature the classic Starbucks “burned’ taste.

Wine will be available in both varieties: red and white. Beer will also be available in both varieties: regular or decaf.

Already destined to be their most popular drink: the Frappa-vino.

“Pontifi-Cast”

Pope Benedict XVI fell and broke his right wrist Friday. Once it heals he will be able to write and play piano as before. In an unrelated story, however, he can’t ever masturbate.

Doctored set the broken bone fragments after giving the pope an X-ray, or as he prefers to call it, a cross-ray.

“Mission Control”

This week, NASA announced a restoration project to digitally clean up the grainy footage of the first moon landing and moon walk. So far, the only really noticeable change is the scene where Jabba the Hutt was inserted.

The entire restoration project is being done by Lowry Digital in Burrbank, CA. In the past, Lowry has restored films such as Casablanca and Raiders of the Lost Ark, so NASA knew they had The Right Stuff.

“Fed Up Yet?”

The Federal Reserve released data Friday saying that 15 states have unemployment rates of 10% or higher. In a related story, as difficult as this is, we’re going to have to let you go.

“Weather or Not” or “Think Outside the Windows”

Microsoft founder Bill Gates has applied for patents on new technology for massive ocean water pumps to calm and weaken hurricanes, Some are calling it weather control, but consumers should be aware that Weather Vista has a lot of bugs, and you’re probably better off sticking with Weather XP.

Scientists say the theory behind gates methods are sound, but no one is sure if it will really work. Meanwhile, Apple will unveil an iPhone app next month that stops a tornado with one click.

“Full Moon”

This week marks the 40th Anniversary of the launch of the Appllo 11 space mission and moon landing. In celebration of the occasion, NASA personnel gathered at the soundstage where they faked it.

“A Civil Action”

A London judge granted a divorce to Amy Winehouse and Blake Fiedler-Civil Thursday. The end of their marriage was related to laws pertaining to bigomy, since Amy was already married to drugs and alcohol.

“Squid Words”

Swarms of jumbo flying squid have left deep waters off Mexico and have been nearing the surface near San Diego, for unknown reasons. Some fear they are here to take American squid’s jobs.

Some scientists speculate they are looking for an Office Depot to reload their ink.

Because of their rust-red coloring and nasty demeanor, the squid are sometimes nicknamed ‘red devils’. The American Civil Liberties Union is filing a racism suit on their behalf.

“Tweet Twouble”

The Twitter company got hacked into for the 3rd time this year. Cyber-thieves stole company documents as well as employees’ personal information. Police are questioning up to 140 characters.

“Smoking Expense” or "Bank's Robbery"

A New Hampshire man was charged over $23 quadrillion for a debit card purchase of a pack of cigarettes. Now he remembers why he usually buys by the case to save money.

To put that amount in perspective, our entire federal budget is like one cigarette: burned up in one puff by Barack Obama.

$23 quadrillion is an almost unfathomable sum. Donald Trump would eat his wig for that.

Americans were outraged by this story, since they hate to have to do higher math.

A group of smoking advocates volunteered to actually count out the amount, one dollar at a time. Unfortunately, those guys turned out to be avid pot smokers, so good luck.

The next day, Bank of America corrected the error, waived the overdraft fee, and bought the man 65 million cases of Nicarette gum.

For that much money, the man said, each cigarette ought to “inhale” him.

The customer didn’t mind spending the money, but was upset that he only got 20 cigarettes.

He planned to smoke as much as humanly possible in the hopes that the nicotine would keep him awake through the Sotomayor Confirmation Hearings.

The tobacco industry is hoping this story stays alive because its free publicity and for once, they weren’t to blame in the story.

What isn’t likely to stay alive, however, are the tobacco industry’s customers.

“Help, Police”

Citizens of Afghanistan have been complaining to U.S. Marines that their greatest problem is the local police, who often assault and steal from villagers. The U.S. has removed some corrupt and abusive police for retraining. Their original training came from the L.A.P.D.

“Bugging the Enemy” or “Bug. James Bug.”

U.S. military researchers are experimenting with flying insects harnessed with spy cameras and flight control equipment. Meanwhile, terrorist cells are working on a counter-technology defense called a flyswatter.

The cyborg insects, dubbed “cybugs,” will be able to go where no human spies could. On the other hand, human spies don’t fear for their lives from a bird or a frog.

So far, moths are the best candidates for the program, and they begin their training while they are still caterpillars.

In early tests, the moths were very good at spying on a selected target, as long as that target was a bright light.

Despite the scary portrayal of cyborgs in the movies, in real life there is no danger that these insects would sound like Arnold Schwarzenegger.

“Doctor Examination”

On Monday, President Barack Obama announced Dr. Regina Benjamin as his pick for United States Surgeon General. At the same time, former presidential rival John McCain announced his pick for his own personal geriatric specialist.

When Dr. Benjamin’s Alabama clinic was heavily damaged by Hurricane Katrina in 2005, she made house calls. Critics are already crying “foul” over the house calls, since all the houses were destroyed.

“Good Golly Miss Molly”

Through her publicist, Molly Ringwald announced that she gave birth to twins last Friday, a boy and a girl. Assuming Molly nurses the babies, from now on her breasts are to be known as The Breakfast Club.

The boy is already quite the little Pick-Up Artist, and her daughter is, of course, Pretty in Pink.

“Words for Hurting”

A research study in England found that if a person gets hurt, swearing actually helps to increase tolerance to pain. Doctors supporting the research say a person in pain could use any curse word they choose, unless they only have an HMO, in which case a similar, generic word will be chosen for them.

The study suggests that cursing evokes an adrenal response that numbs pain. The full study will be published next month in the journal NeuroReport, making their August issue their first censored for profanity.

In light of the news, comic strips will finally stop replacing swear words with asterisks, ampersands, and percent signs.

In a related story, most hip-hop recording artists are completely pain-free.

“Kim Jong… Ill?”

North Korea’s Kim Jong Il is reportedly suffering from pancreatic cancer. Details of any cancer treatment are unknown, but Kim has begun pointing nuclear-capable missiles at his pancreas.

“Unabashed Gay”

GLAAD, the Gay and Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation charge that Sacha Baron Cohen’s character Bruno and eponymous movie reinforce negative stereotypes about gays being pushy, in-your-face and at time, inappropriate. On the other hand, so does GLAAD.

“Seacrest Not Out”

Ryan Seacrest has signed a deal to continue hosting American Idol through the year 2012, which, if you count the number of TV seasons, is 9 seasons after everyone got sick of him.

Fans will remember that Ryan used to sign-off with the catchphrase “Seacrest Out,” but stopped because he has refused to out himself.

“Plot Holes”

Four ex-employees of a Chicago-area cemetery are facing up to 30 years in prison for digging up graves and reselling the plots of up to 300 deceased people. That gives a lot of families a bone to pick.

The workers’ scheme made them $300,000 over 4 years. Said one worker, “Where else am I gonna dig up that kind of money?”

“Genuine GM Parts”

General Motors came out of bankruptcy Friday, with new owners including the U.S. government. The company will be implementing new sales strategies and incentives to pay down its dept and become profitable again. For starters, the government will be levying a heavy tax on all Ford owners.

Though the company faces many challenges to pay its lenders and re-establish itself in the world auto marketplace, the U.S. government just couldn’t resist that new car smell.

With the federal government picking up to 60% of the industry giant, it’s the first time any company has literally greased the politicians.

“Resigned to Success”

Bristol Palin’s former fiancé Levi Johnston says that Alaska’s Gov. Sarah Palin is resigning to cash in on her fame. But, he says, if you want to know why he thinks that, you have to pay him.

“Calo-Research”

A 20-year study published in the journal Science indicates that consuming fewer calories may slow the aging process. In a related story, Mary-Kate Olsen is actually aging backwards.

“Madoff's Lack of Appeal”

Convicted ponzi scheme mastermind Bernard Madoff said through his attorneys Thursday that he will not appeal his 150-year sentence. In fact, as is his custom, within six months he’s promised to double it.

“White Water”

A suburban swim club is being accused of racism for kicking out and barring the return of a Philadelphia day camp mostly comprised of black and Hispanic children. The club says nothing like this has ever happened before. That is, they’ve never seen black people who wanted to swim.

The kids who were half-white were allowed to go in up to their waists.

Ironically, most of the club members at the pool were there trying to darken their tans.

“Checks and Balances”

Senator John Ensign, who admitted last month to an affair with a former campaign aide, said that his parents gave his mistress a $96,000 check, “out of concern for (her) well being… during a difficult time.” This raises two ethical questions. Was Sen. Ensign really that bad in bed? And how would his parents know that?

Ensign’s own Republican colleagues have been harshly critical of Ensign’s parents’ involvement. They say Ensign should pay for his own sexual trysts like the rest of the Senate.

Even John Edwards was like, “Hey, at least I never paid for it.”

“InterNOT”

Authorities suspect North Korea may be behind a cyber attack that overwhelmed several U.S. and South Korean government department and agency websites. Sites are believed to have been affected because they failed to forward an email promising good luck to at least 10 other people.

“Bite Down on THIS!”

A Connecticut man was picked up by police after allegedly coming to his dentist’s office naked. Making matters worse, the dentist only noticed after telling the man to “open wide.”

The patient had come in for a cleaning of both the top and bottom.

The man insists he was just wearing Invisalign clothes.

The good news is, the dentist only saw one cavity.

The bad news is, he filled it with porcelain.

In case there is a lawsuit, the dentist has several lawyers on a retainer.

“Tap Lessons”

In Australia, the town of Bundadoon has banned the sale of bottled water, in favor of reusable bottles and free filtered tap water. Hoping for a similar measure, clever locals are now trying to convince the rest of the town how expensive and ecologically damaging it is to bottle beer.

From now on, locals will get their water from free public fountains. The environmentally progressive move has made residents feel that in the future, they’re going to be thirsty.

“Reproducing Results”

A British science team claims to have created human sperm from stem cells. Their plan to create the sperm was truly ingenious. They used male stem cells, genetically aged them 13 years, and then just left them in a room with stem cell porn.

When critics said the cells produced lacked the behavioral characteristics of real sperm, the leader of the scientists responded. “The behavior is just like any other sperm. Right after we produced them, we all fell asleep.”

“Suburban Sprawl”

The number of homeless people in rural and suburban areas has increased sharply with the recession, jumping 39% over just the last 2 years. For the homeless themselves, the hardest thing is adjusting to the longer daily commute.

The homeless in the suburbs are dealing with other tough issues, like having to live in nicer, upscale cars and SUV’s, just to keep up with the Joneses.

“R.I.P., PYT”

The memorial for Michael Jackson was held today at the Staples Center in downtown Los Angeles, which climaxed with a star-studded rendition of “We Are the World.” It was very reminiscent of the original version, in that Prince didn’t show up.

Jackson’s life was often filled with controversy and questions, and even today, family, friends, and fans were left to wonder, “Why the hell was John Mayer there?”

The focus today was primarily on Michael’s music and his humanitarian work. The only whispers of publicity mongering, strange behavior or outrageous public displays were about Al Sharpton.

“Live, from Minnesota…”

Former Saturday Night Live comedian Al Franken was sworn in as the junior U.S. senator for Minnesota today. Franken plans to bring his agenda to the Senate as soon as it is approved by Lorne Michaels.

“Fertile Ground”

Since the start of the recession, fertility agencies have reported double their normal call volume from potential egg and sperm donors who are looking to make money. As one might expect, most of the sperm donors leave one sample and then never call again.

“The Lady’s Independence”

The Statue of Liberty’s crown is open again as of July 4th. It had been closed by the Bush administration since the terrorist attacks of September 11, 2001. Now, with President Bush out of office, Liberty’s head won’t be empty any more.

“California: Going for Broke”

California will now be paying the state’s bill with promissory notes due to it’s gigantic $24.3 billion deficit. If the legislature can’t cut spending and increase revenue, Governor Schwarzenegger is going to sell off pieces of the Golden State to GoldForCash.com.

“Hardly Working”

Employment hit a 26-year high this week, at 9.5%. On the plus side, if your mortgage has been foreclosed and you have 10 friends, chances are, 1 of them can’t use a job excuse to get out of helping you move.

The only industry that’s hiring is Somali pirates.

Prestigious universities are trying to prepare their students for the real world. You can now major in “Hobo.”
-What’s even worse? They help graduates with job placement in that field.

The economy is bad. Remember the 80’s band, Men at Work? They’re out of work.

One way companies are trying to save money by going paperless, so instead of printing checks for payroll, they just fire everybody.

If you’re applying for jobs, remember that when listing previous job experience, it won’t help you to include “panhandling.”

A lot of single moms are seeking more education to be able to make more money. Look in your local classifieds under “pole dancing classes.”

Of recent college graduates, the lucky few who have been able to get hired all have the same question: “Do you want fries with that?”

“Getting his Affairs in Order”

Gov. Mark Sanford of South Carolina continued to confess about casual encounters with more women, other than his wife or his Argentinean mistress. Sanford’s aides are now seeking a restraining order to keep the governor from within 500 feet of a microphone.

Now Sanford has reversed his statement that he would release financial records to prove state money wasn’t used for his trips to Argentina and elsewhere. Over his broken promise, Mrs. Sanford told the media, “Don’t worry. You get used to it.”

“Bee Plus”

In Kansas, a beekeeper had to be hired to remove 70,000 bees from inside a church. The bees had already produced 40 lbs. of honey, and even the pastor fled their stings. Maybe now they will finally take seriously the commandment to not covet thy neighbor’s ass.

“Sick Days”

President Obama said that he is committed to having a new health care plan this year, which is both a public health and an economic issue. Businesses lose billions of dollars per year in sickness-related work absences. Fortunately, fewer Americans are calling in sick to work because so few people still have jobs.

“Karl’s Marks”

Academy award winning actor Karl Malden died at home of natural causes at the age of 97. A spokesman for American Express for over 20 years, Karl’s new slogan is ,”Don’t leave Earth without It.”

“Mac & Meat”

McDonalds is taking their new line of 1/3 lb. premium burgers nationwide, using Angus beef and serving them in 3 varieties, all for about $4.00. For an extra dollar, they’ll just hit you with a defibrillator.

The chain has been selling the premium burgers in certain markets, but is ready to sell it everywhere in the country, now that Obama is talking seriously about national health care.

McDonald’s will include with each burger purchased a set of plastic knives and surgical utensils so you can remove your heart to protect it.

Market research shows that these extra large burgers should be popular with the suicidal.

Drive-through business is expected to be high, as people prefer to drive themselves to the hospital instead of waiting for the ambulance.

This is a big sandwich to hold. For the first time, the Hamburglar is hiring henchmen.

The premium choices are designed to appeal to McDonald’s more mature customers. As of now, their oldest living regulars are reaching ages up to 26.