Wednesday, May 30, 2012

"Spell Check”



Mitt Romney’s iPad app had an embarrassing misspelling, promising a “A better Amercia,” reversing the c and i.  Dick Cheney is sticking up for his fellow Republican, noting than when he was in power, he was l slowly turning all of America into the CIA.

Romney tried to diffuse the mistake by saying that, if elected, he’ll place more emphasis on educashuns.

Mitt thinks that statistics will help his case.  His new website says he’s even running for President of the United Stats of America.

Critics are asking why Romney didn’t have someone proofread the text, but as Republicans have said since Gitmo and the Patriot Act, you don’t need proof.

Meanwhile, Romney’s poll numbers have sharply increased in the small island nation of Amercia.

It was surprising that Mitt didn’t have auto-correct, especially since he claims to have saved the entire auto industry.

Romney admits that he misspelled America, but he won’t admit that he is misreading it.
The corrected app now promising that Mitt will build a better United Stakes.

“Pole Vault”



When President presented a Medal of Freedom to Polish war hero, Jan Karski, he mistakenly referred to “Polis Death Camps,” instead of Nazi death camps in occupied Poland during WWII.  Unfortunately, then he tried to break the tension by telling a bunch of ‘dumb Polack’ jokes.

Poland’s foreign minister Redek Sikorski called the incident a display of “ignorance and incompetence.”  The foreign minister made this comment while he and 3 of his countrymen tried to change a light bulb.

Tuesday, May 29, 2012

“Persian Bug”



Iran and other countries in the Middle East have been hit by a versatile, spying computer virus.  Reports say the virus has affected 2 out of 5 computers in Iran.  Western intelligence was shocked to learn that Iran has 5 computers.

Tehran is blaming Israeli intelligence for their troubles, cursed their technology, and threatened to destroy the state of Israel and kill all of its citizens.  Or as they call that, Tuesday.

Iranian president Mahmud Ahmadinejad is most upset over the fact that the virus has completely disrupted his viewing of camel porn.

Friday, May 18, 2012

"Matri-moany"



A new book about President Obama claims that after his failed 2000 bid for Congress, the strain almost caused Barack and Michelle to get a divorce, which the First Couple say is not true.  Discussion of divorce is irrelevant though, say a group of Birthers, who claim the Obamas can’t prove that they were even married in America.

In a related story, Newt Gingrich always considered any political career struggle as an unofficial annulment of whatever marriage he happened to be in at the time.

Wednesday, May 16, 2012

HAPPY 5TH BLOG-O-VERSARY

Thank you to all my readers and supporters for 5 amazing years.
Since I began this blog, so much has happened, as proven by over 10,000 jokes on all kinds of news.
Some material appearing here has made it to Top Story! Weekly, Second City This Week, The David Feldman Show, Susie Sampson's "Tea Party Report," and more, as well as submissions to Conan, Real Time with Bill Mahar, and Lopez Tonight.
I hope to continue to write jokes until at least one person laughs.

"Coffee Life”



A new study published in the New England Journal of Medicine suggests that coffee drinkers may live longer.  Actually, they still die, they just can’t close their eyes or stop trembling from the caffeine.

Doctors think that the secret is that coffee drinkers may be that, until they’ve had their first cup in the morning, they're dead.

Since participating in the study, several subjects haven’t been able to sleep.

Those who drink decaf also live longer, but they’re lives are empty and meaningless.

Obviously people who drink coffee live longer.  They are the ones who don’t fall asleep at the wheel.


This study contradicts the theory that people who hang out at Starbucks all day need to get a life.

“Text Book ‘Em””



Several states have begun to fine pedestrians for walking and texting, in order to prevent traffic accidents.  The message is, save the texting for when you’re safely behind the wheel.

In Utah and New Jersey, fines range from $50 to $85.  Reaction to these fines has ranged from LOL to OMG.

Angry mobile customers are blaming their service carriers, who promised them unlimited texting.

Also, a lot of tickets have been issued for sexting while crossing the street, but those were for indecent exposure.

“Advice Column”



In a Wall Street Journal column, an advisor on John McCain’s 2008 election campaign revealed that, at the time Sarah Palin was chosen as his running mate, he called her, “high risk, high reward.”  That’s exactly the same way Levi Johnston described unprotected sex with Bristol Palin. 

Friday, May 11, 2012

“Tanned and Banned”



The so-called Tanning Mom, accused of bringing her 5 year old tanning, has been banned from dozens of New York and New Jersey salons since the story broke, with posters of her behind counters serving as notice not to serve her.  These serve the Tanning Mom as a burn notice.

On the flipside, her darkened skin may win her some type of celebrity endorsement deal, perhaps with, a wrinkle cream maker, a cooking oil company, or a leather tanning business.

“Putting Money Where Their Mouths Are”



Washington University is offering $3,500 to participants in a 3-month obesity study, who have to be overweight and be willing to gain weight for the study. So far, the only people qualified for the study are all Americans.

As a bonus, they get to keep the money even if they die during the study.

Lots of volunteers are running to sign up.  Well, their walking and out of breath to sign up.

The study is being conducted by Washington University in St. Louis.  Who knew they were secretly owned by McDonald’s.

The researchers hope to learn more about the development of diabetes and cardiovascular problems.  Well, they’re gonna.

Similarly, when the same group wants to learn about guns, they’re just going to start shooting people.

The students conducting the study are majoring in irresponsibility.

When observers see an overweight person handed that easy $3500 , they are going to say, “Now that is a fat wad.”

"Old Maid"


A British cabaret singer says she is ready to lose her virginity  – at age 70.  She’s even willing to go to the drug store and buy the condoms, since she gets a senior discount.

She wants a guy who will be gentle the first time – so she doesn’t break a hip.

Of course it’s possible that she has had sex before, only now tht she’s 70 she doesn’t remember it.

At 70 years old, she still has a nickname for her breasts.  She calls them the Allied Powers.

Her vagina is called The Great Depression.
- Because she says it needs a New Deal.

She says she knows how to set the mood for company in the bedroom.  She put doilies on the pillows. 

Monday, May 7, 2012

"Mightiest Movie"



The Avengers was the top movie at the box office this weekend, taking in a record-breaking $200 million its opening weekend.   This is a huge relief to Marvel Studios, who has to pay for all the damage the Hulk caused to cars and buildings in New York City.

With a global 12-day intake of over $640 million for the superhero team-up, even super-villains are saying, “To hell with robbing banks.  I’m going to use my powers for good – and just film it.”

"Nadya 'Solo' Suleman" or "OctoMom's Big 'O'"


Octo-Mom Nadya Suleman began work on her first adult film last week, in which she will be performing solo. It makes sense, since she has already fallen so low.

In the film she has a scene where her body is covered in Spaghettio’s.  The O’s are an artistic, symbolic representation of her, of course.  O for Octomom, or big-round-‘O’-shaped- gaping-hole, take your pick.

Wanting her film to have an artistic feel, of course, for inspiration she turned to a Franco-American style.

The tile of the yet-to-be-completed film has not been released, but obviously it should be Octopussy.

“Fat Cat”



Meow, a cat who became famous because of his enormous weight, has died at the age of 2 years.  He weighs 39 lbs.  Not wanting to say he died from obesity complications, his owners are using the euphemism, “Marlon Brando Syndrome.”

The cat's owners were in denial about his health problems.  They thought he was purring when it was really a heart murmur.

Instead of milk, he'd drink a saucer of Haagen Daz.


Meow had always been the fattest of his litter, and didn’t have the healthiest habits.  For example, he really put on a lot of extra weight when he tried to quit smoking.

He was really heavy.  You know that saying “A cat always lands on its feet?”  His feet hated him for that.

He was so fat, a dog once bit him and contracted diabetes.

"Police Raid" or “Narcotics Division”


A police dispatcher  in Vermont showed up for training at the Police Academy with marijuana.  Of all the ranking officers there, she was the highest.

Her excuse was that she didn’t want to leave her pot in the car, where someone could steal it, making even more work for police.

She explained her mistake, saying “When I’m stoned, I mix up the words dispatch with dispensary.”

She had just gotten the marijuana from her local dispensary.  Which is her nickname for the evidence locker.

“What type of pot is this?  It’s labeled ‘Exhibit ‘A’.”

Friday, May 4, 2012

Odds and (Big) Ends


Kim Kardashian attended the White House Correspondents Dinner this past week.  Why not?  Among all those politicians, what's one more big ass?

The Secret Service has decided to assign chaperones to its agents on some foreign trips.  Secret Service agents said they don't mind chaperones, as long as they are hot ladies ready to party!

Jessica Simpson is spending $4,000 a night for the luxury hospital birthing suite where she gave birth to her new daughter.  And from the looks of things, Jessica, $3,000 of that is just to cover the cost of food.

“Something to Scream About”



The famous Edvard Munch painting “The Scream” sold at auction for nearly $120 million Wednesday, becoming the most expensive piece of art ever sold.   The buyer plans to make his money back by rendering the painting in HD.

An upset Mona Lisa denied being jealous, saying, “I’m worth as much as you if not more, Scream, except I don’t sell myself for money like a whore.”

"See It to Believe It" or Putting the ‘Eye’ in ‘Bionic’”



In an amazing new medical breakthrough,  British scientists have developed bionic eyes that can restore sight to certain patients who suffer from certain types of blindness.  Images appear in grainy black and white, but that’s still a vast improvement over nothing.  And, it’s a bonus if you are a fan of classic 1950’s TV shows.

The first patient, a man named Chris, is pleased with the results and his doctors say he is dojng extremely well.  On the downside, some friends say Chris just isn’t as cool without the dark sunglasses.  

"Hilton Claims to Defame"



Blogger Perez Hilton is being sued for $500,000 for claiming on his website that the jeweler who designed Angelina Jolie’s engagement ring had been previously convictred of fraud.  Though, the real story here would be if a blogger actually had $500,000.

Perez said he would be willing to retract all claims and apologizing if Brad Pitt will marry him instead of Angelina.

Wednesday, May 2, 2012

“Newt’s News”



Newt Gingrich formally suspended his presidential campaign today, making way for Mitt Romney’s GOP nomination.  Gingrich did not formally endorse Romney, but he’ll show support his own way.  He’ll have an affair with Romney, and then leave his current wife for him.

For the last several weeks, Gingrich has been fighting a losing battle, but wasn’t willing to give up.  It’s the exact opposite strategy he has been using regarding his weight.

“Fangs for Nothing.” or “Dental Damage”



In Poland, a man who broke up with his dentist girlfriend still kept an appointment with her 2 days later, only to have her put him under and pull out all of his teeth.  She now faces 3 years in prison.  She may get off, as there are a lot of gaps in his story.

Now, of course, she has not only lost a boyfriend, she has lost a patient.

If she was smart, she saved the teeth so she can make them into a shiv in prison.

Like most boyfriends, he would have been fine if he had just kept his mouth shut.

In light of what happened to him, his dental insurance company is desperately trying to deny his claim.

On the bright side, his toothache won’t be a problem anymore.

Most people hearing about this were shocked.  Except John Wayne Bobbitt, who said, “Oh, big deal.”

“Dark Day” or “Orange You Sorry?”



A New Jersey mother was arrested for child endangerment for allegedly bringing her young daughter to a tanning salon, which is illegal in New Jersey for children under 14. Over 14, it becomes mandatory.

The mother tans excessively herself, but her lawyer says the charges are racially motivated and the woman is simply being harassed for being an Umpa-Lumpa.

If convicted, the mother is going to fry.  If she gets off she’ll fry, too.  She tans that much.

The woman plans to fight the charges, is willing to go to Congress and wants to get John Boehner involved.  And if he’s not available, she at least wants his tan.

Another report of a little girl in New Jersey tanned to a point of cruelty surfaced, but it turns out it was only Snooki.

“Say ’Cheap’”



Ikea has come out with a digital camera made of cardboard.  It’s the perfect device for people who want a camera that’s easy to use, yet immediately falls apart.

It works perfectly well, but when you try to  print the pictures, you suddenly find your printer is missing vital screws and bolts.

When you look through the view finder, no matter how hard you try, you can’t quite fit everyone into the picture.

The nice thing about the cardboard body won’t break if it falls..  So it will be okay if you put it down on top of an Ikea table, causing the table to collapse under its weight.

The photos all come out as indecipherable, crude-graphics, black and white diagrams.

“Dirty, Dirty Bomb”



CNN says that Maqsood Lodin, a suspected al-Qaida operative caught in Germany  was carrying a memory stick hidden in his underwear that had terrorist plans encoded  within a pornographic movie.  Security agents find the information on the sticks extremely valuable – and not just for the porn.

The plans include details for attacks on ships, bombings of hotels, and execution of civilians.  It almost makes you not want to search people’s underwear.

Thogh terrorists anger and hate are often hard to understand, security agents were able to confirm that the tiny memory stick was the biggest things in Maqsood’s underwear.

In a counter terror analysis of the material on the memory stick, the porno featured terrible acting and  a weak plot.