Thursday, November 20, 2008

Heart to Heart

In Miami, a teenage girl just got her second heart transplant after living without a heart, only external pumping machines, for 118 days. It had been discovered that her first transplant failed when the Wizard of Oz had just put a clock in her chest, calling it a “testimonial.”

Living for nearly 4 months with no heart in her body really is impressive, but not a record. Dick Cheney hasn’t had a heart since he ran Haliburton in 1995.

Though she is now resuming normal activities, the road had a more than a few bumps. For example, seeking experts on heart removal, the girl’s parents had at first mistakenly taken her to the Temple of Doom Thuggee Cult Hospital.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

"Brother, Can You Spare a Hundred Million Dollars?"

Here in California, A 57-year-old transient man, convicted of starting a 2006 fire that burned 163,000 acres, has been sentenced to nearly 4 years in prison, and ordered to pay $101 million in fines and restitution. So in exchange for destroying 11 structures and threatening so many homes, he gets a free roof over his head.

I guess if you’re poor enough, crime really does pay.

No one knows where this homeless person is supposed to come up with a hundred million dollars. His park bench was already foreclosed.

Searching for assets, the state has also seized his shopping cart and his rare collection of hard-written cardboard signs.

As for the recent L.A. fires that are still being contained, a number of homeless people are now claiming responsibility, in hopes of getting that same cushy prison sentence.

Prone... To Talk

Ashley Alexandra Dupre, the prostitute involved in the scandal of former New York governor Eliot Spitzer, is sitting down for a TV interview with 20/20’s Diane Sawyer. Nothing is off limits, and nothing is taboo, but Diane has to pay cash and promise to become a regular.

For the interview, Dupre has agreed to frank oral discourse. Well, she’s already got the oral part down.

Today is my Birthday

Feel free to offer presents. No gift cards, please.
Include your name, address, phone number, and email in your comments and I will make sure one of my staff arranges for you to be given our office P.O. Box.

Monday, November 17, 2008

Heavy Bondage

The new James Bond movie, Quantum of Solace was number one at the box office in its weekend, taking in $70.4 million. This broke the record for any Bond opening, any Gus Van Sant-directed film, and any movie, ever, with a meaningless non sequitur for a title.

Running the Miley

Miley Cyrus is fine and well, but a hoax purporting her death in a drunk driving accident in a YouTube video, where the teen star’s account had been hacked. Dad Billy Ray Cyrus was so upset at the idea of such a horror that he regressed back to his 1992 mullet.

Almost as horrific is the thought of Miley instead making a gradual descent into booze, drugs and publicity-inspired lesbianism.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Wuhan Clan

China’s Hubei province just wrapped up it’s 8th annual Wuhan International Acrobatics festival, celebrating 2,000 years of the art form in China. Interestingly, all of the youngest acrobats, typically age 8, were still somehow magically born prior to 1992.

Thursday, November 6, 2008

Lame Duck-Hunting

Members of the Bush administration are beginning to make their plans for the time following President-Elect Obama taking office. Vice-President Dick Cheney, for example, is looking forward to shooting people in the face in the private sector.

When Cheney leaves office, it will be the first time in 8 years he will be doing anything with a strong approval rating.
Congratulations, Dick.

Manual Transition

It’s possible that President Bush isn’t yet conditioned to the idea of leaving office. After election results were announced late Tuesday night, he initially referred to Barack Obama and his staff as “the insurgency.”

According to news reports today, Mr. Bush wants to make the transition as easy as possible for Obama, but then spent a good part of the day trying to get Barack to switch his pronunciation to “nuc-u-ler.”

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

New Precedent

Yesterday, the U.S elected Barack Obama to become its 44th president. But, as Barack made clear to the nation in his speech from Chicago late last night, the real victory belongs to Oprah.

Vice-Presidential-Elect Joe Biden, who also won the election to retain his seat in the U.S. Senate, will have to give that up. Quitter.

John McCain, from his home state of Arizona, gave a concession speech that was gracious and dignified. But the wisest thing was not what was said, but in what wasn’t said. That is to say, Sarah Palin was never given the microphone.

With the transition of power already under way, Mr. Obama must now begin to address the many issues facing the nation, such as rising unemployment. For instance, just last night a bunch of Republican Congressmen lost their jobs.

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Vote often!

Obviously, today is election day. Based on estimates from ACORN, ballots have already been cast by over 8 billion people.

Results won’t be announced until late tonight, but both Republicans and Democrats are encouraging all their supporters to go to the polls. Sarah Palin is even encouraging all her neighbors who live in Russia to vote.

Companies like Starbucks, Krispy Kreme and Ben & Jerry’s fffers for a free item for voters today were voluntarily changed to free-item-for-anyone, when legal concerns arose that the freebies could be seen as election bribes. The moral is: Democracy doesn't pay.

In keeping with national tradition, free coffee and donuts will remain reserved only to bribe cops.

The public at large is very enthusiastic about today’s important voting, mostly because it isn’t being hosted by Ryan Seacrest.

"Tricked Up Treat" or "All Methed Up"

A 7-year old boy in Minneapolis found a bag of money and methamphetamine mixed in with his Halloween candy, which police believe was either dropped by a man attempting to evade arrest, or else was a prop for a kid dressed up as Amy Winehouse.

The estimated street value of the drugs could be up to $200. In a related story, somewhere there’s a confused meth addict wondering how he spent almost 200 bucks for a giant bag of M&M’s.

Local police are trying to find the drug dealer by going house to house and looking on every porch for a pumpkin-shaped bowl of meth with a sign that says “Please take just one.”

There was about 2.2 grams of meth, but luckily, the parents were quick to react to the find in the boy’s bag. Both parents carefully examined the plastic baggie for sharp objects or open packaging before giving it back to their 7-year-old.

By Monday at school, many students had heard about the incident, and the boy was able to trade the meth for a 2 full-size Milky Ways and a Snickers.