Wednesday, July 23, 2008

“Bale Bonded”

Batman: The Dark Knight’s Christian Bale was questioned by London police for 4 hours, and then released on bail but not charged, following allegations from his mother and sister that he assaulted them in his hotel suite. Christian denies the charge, and the most likely explanation is a vast conspiracy orchestrated by an insanely jealous Adam West.

“Lighting up: the World”

Bill Gates is teaming up with New York City’s Mayor Michael Bloomberg in a $375 million, world-wide anti-smoking campaign. This seems fitting for Gates, who’s Microsoft Vista has caused smoke to pour out of customers’ ears since the day the product launched.

One of their biggest obstacles, despite all their money, is that Gates anti-tobacco stance proves that smoking is only for cool people.

“Wax or Waning Star?”

Madame Toussauds Wax Museum in London unveiled the likeness of award-winning singer Amy Winehouse today. It really looks like her, but there are obvious differences. One is just a stiff, lifeless imitation of a person, and the other is made of wax.

Winehouse did not attend the unveiling and hasn’t seen her wax twin yet, but as her schedule allows over the next couple of weeks, you can be sure that her plans will include being drunk and high.

“To Have (a Life) and Have Not”

An Earnest Hemmingway festival in Florida reached a climax over the weekend with a look-alike contest of the late author of classics such as A Farewell to Arms, The Snows of Kilimanjaro, and For Whom the Bell Tolls. Public reaction to the event was reminiscent of one the Nobel winner’s own titles: For Whom the Hell Cares?

The stocky, white-bearded Hemmingway doppelganger was thrilled to win first place, and is now looking forward to getting back to his wife, elves and reindeer back at the North Pole.
Golden Girls actress Estelle Getty has died, at the age of 84. Famous as Bea Arthur’s elderly mother Sophia, she was actually the youngest member of the cast. It’s a surprise that all the other Girls have outlived her, but not because of their age. It’s just amazing that they weren’t crushed under the weight of their 1980’s shoulder pads.

Her many loving fans and admirers have requested that to honor her memory, in lieu of flowers, all copies of the movie Stop, or My Mom Will Shoot be destroyed.

Monday, July 21, 2008

Appealing in the Eye of the Beholder

A U.S. Court of Appeals overturned the FCC fine against CBS for the 2004 Super Bowl halftime show incident where Janet Jackson’s breast was exposed. The FCC said they were surprised and disappointed by today’s decision, the same way the audience was surprised and disappointed by Janet’s boob.

The fine, which was over half a million dollars, was described as gratuitous and arbitrary. Some might say, as gratuitous and arbitrary as celebrity nudity at a football game.

The court further ruled that, in order for CBS to be held responsible, the FCC would have to prove that the network acted recklessly. That made CBS nervous. After all, this is the same network that airs “Big Brother.”
The USA’s first war crimes trial since World War II began today in Guantanamo Bay, with a plea of not guilty by Obama bin Laden’s former driver. He is accused of conspiracy and supporting terrorism, but in his defense, he’s an excellent driver.

What does bin Laden need a driver for, anyway? He’s been hiding out in the wilderness for, years, living like an animal? What next, he has a butler to tidy up his cave?

A $20,000 pair of earrings were found in a truckload of garbage on Staten Island, prompting a baffling mystery: Why would anyone who can afford 3—carat diamonds go to Staten Island?

Actually, the owner could have received ownership of the island in exchange for the island, but no one was around to give her the rest of the $19,000 change she would have had coming.

Friday, July 18, 2008

Happy Fifth Birthday, (my son) Julian!

Happy birthday to Nelson Mandela, who turns 90 today. He celebrated the day in his favorite way: by not being in prison because of state-sponsored racism and tyranny.

The new Batman movie, The Dark Knight opens today, with a record-breaking box office likely, and an excess of $100 million 3-day total expected. Mamma Mia also opens today, but I think we already know why Bruce Wayne is a multi-billionaire and the members of Abba aren’t.

Billy Joel will play the last concert ever at New York’s Shea Stadium tonight, as the ball park is scheduled to be torn down at the end of the baseball season. As for the stadium’s demolition, the owners are just going to have Billy Joel come back in and let him drive around.

Wednesday, July 9, 2008

Sound... Proof

The Senate is set to vote today to pass a bill setting new rules for secret government surveillance, after a year of controversy over the president’s wiretapping without warrants following 9/11. To show their support, The White House says that in the future they will try harder not to get caught.

Tuesday, July 8, 2008

“Yankee’s A-Rod Thrown out at Home”

Baseball star Alex Rodriguez’s wife of 5 years has filed for divorce, alleging he had extramarital affairs. Making matters worse, The New York Post and Us Weekly have attempted to romantically link A-Rod to Madonna. On the plus side, this story is helping to dispel the notion that New Yorkers don’t like to get involved.

Madonna denied any romantic connection to A-Rod. When asked about rumors of a break-up of her own marriage to filmmaker Guy Richie, Madonna quickly responded, “Who?”

In recent weeks, troubles in the Rodriguez’s marriage began to surface with subtle hints, like when Cynthia Rodriguez began to refer to her husband as A-hole.

"Celebrity News" and other oxymorons

Drew Barrymore and Justin long have ended their relationship. One can assume Drew was jealous over the on-screen chemistry Jason had with the ‘PC’ computer guy in his ‘Mac’ commercials.

Steve-O, of “Jackass” fame, was in court today, related to June’s cocaine charge. He said he checked himself back into a rehab facility on his doctor’s advice, but will still be able to do a lot of his stunts, just sober. This courageous spirit proves that there is no way to kill stupidity.

Former lead singer of the Village People, Victor Willis, is in the hospital recovering from vocal cord surgery. He expects to fully recover, asserting that he has to be a macho, macho man.
Members of the Iraqi government are stepping up pressure on the United States to agree on a timeline for a withdrawal of American troops. The White House agreed that a timeline would be established as soon as we figure out what the hell we were doing over there in the first place.

At a town hall meeting in Georgia, Barack Obama addressed the accusation that he has vacillated on political issues to tug at some of John McCain’s middle-of-the-road support. Obama said he hasn’t changed, but not every issue has to be viewed as strictly black and white.

As everyone knows, this past Friday was July 4th and Independence Day is widely regarded as America’s birthday, making our nation 232 years old. Of course it doesn’t seem that old because of its 5th grade reading level and all the Botox.