“Jersey No-More”

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/entertainment/post/2012/08/mtvs-jersey-shore-will-end-after-sixth-season/1#.UD_kHcGPUsc

MTV has announced that the next season of Jersey Shore would be its last.  The reason for its cancellation after 6 seasons is that thanks to the cast, the state of New Jersey has run out of alcohol.

The most painful thing about the end of the series is, instead of referring to Nicole ‘Snooki’ Polizzi,” with the prefix “TV star,” people will have to refer to her by the prefix “Best-selling author.”

Not only do Snooki and J-Woww have their own spin-off anyway, now that Snooki has given birth to her baby, she will be opening her own production company, in her vagina.

Once the series ends, Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino will split his time between product endorsement deals and using his own existence as evidence that evolution is now working backwards. 

Actually, once the show is off the air, the cast drop their TV personas and will resume their real lives: going to college and spending their spare time reading classic literature and discussing philosophy.

“That’s your Cue, Harry." or "Royal Hiney"

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/entertainment/post/2012/08/prince-harry-gets-naked-in-las-vegas/1?csp=hf#.UDVH4MGPUsc

TMZ caught images of a naked Prince Harry who was apparently playing strip billiards in a Las Vegas hotel.  Luckily, before anyone could see how the billiards game was going, Harry had the sense to cover his balls.

Things got even more awkward when cameras caught Harry chalking his own cue.

Hopefully the prince remembered the first rule of naked billiards: try not to scratch on the break.

The photos have resulted in the young royal’s new nickname, Prince Hairy.

Harry claims he was just trying to sink one in the corner pocket.

Most embarrassing to the royal family: Harry must be pretty bad at billiards.

“LL Cool Justice”

http://www.usatoday.com/life/people/story/2012-08-22/ll-cool-j-burglar/57205912/1

Actor/Rapper LL Cool J stopped a burglar who had broken into his house and held him until police arrived.  The burglar wasn’t actually trying to escape arrest, he just wanted to flee before Cool J made him watch NCIS: Los Angeles.

"Plucking at the Peacock"

As part of NBC's major budget trim of The Tonight Show, Jay Leno has taken a $5 million per-year pay-cut.  As a result, instead of starting each day by driving a different custom car to work, every day Leno will be taking a different bus.

Many companies are needing to cut back to reduce expenses, especially the ones that had to pay out $40 million to lose Conan O'Brien.

“Grey Spider”

http://www.usatoday.com/life/comics/story/2012-08-21/Spider-Man-50th-anniversary/57195770/1

Marvel Comics iconic superhero Spiderman turns 50 this week.  Spiderman hasn’t changed much since turning 50, except he’s adding insulation to his costume so he doesn’t catch a chill.

At 50, he’s still out fighting crime every night, but he’s started turning in by 10:30.

Also, the eye-lets in his mask are now bifocals.

When Peter Parker hides his street clothes to go fight bad guys as Spiderman, he can no longer always remember where he put them.

When the Green Goblin starts throws bombs and grenades at him,  50-year-old Spidey’s biggest complaint now is that all that racket is giving him a headache.

“If the Shoe Fits”

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/gameon/post/2012/08/nikes-new-lebron-james-shoes-to-cost-315/1#.UDQY1qmPUsc

Nike’s new LeBron James signature shoes, the Lebron X, featuring motion-sensing technology,  will cost $315.

The shoes are named after Lebron because he’s the only one who can afford them.

The US government approves of the price, trying to make the job of commission shoe salesperson a top-earning profession.

The shoe is called the Lebron X.  The X is the Roman Numeral for how many dollars it takes to make the shoes in a Korean sweatshop and then ship them to the US.

“Camp-Pain”

http://www.usatoday.com/news/politics/story/2012-08-20/obama-campaign-spending-fundraising/57174798/1?csp=hf

President Obama’s re-election campaign is spending money faster than he has so far been able to raise it.  Sources say he’s doing it on purpose, since he’s gotten used to deficit spending.

“Too ‘Legit’ To Quit”

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/onpolitics/post/2012/08/todd-akin-abortion-missouri-senate-race-/1#.UDQZBqmPUsc

Mitt Romney is calling on Rep. Todd Akin to drop out of the Senate race in Missouri, in the wake of his comments that women rarely get pregnant from “legitimate rape.”  Akin refuses to quit, saying he might step aside only if Romney releases his “legitimate tax returns.”

Akin’s initial mistake was misunderstanding the expression “illegitimate children.”  

"Game of Life"

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/ondeadline/post/2012/08/teen-hospitalized-with-dehydration-after-4-day-xbox-marathon/1#.UCK2mfaPUsc

A 15-yar-old Ohio boy named Tyler collapsed and was taken to the hospital for dehydration after playing Modern Warfare 3 on his X-Box for a marathon, 4-day session.  The boy knew his life was in danger, but thought that if he died, he still had 2 more lives.

The boy did pause game play to take bathroom breaks.  In serious gaming circles, this is known as being a “coward” or “quitter.”

Tyler was very upset in the ambulance, because all the way to the hospital, the driver didn’t shoot anyone else on the road.

At the hospital, Tyler wanted to administer his own IV, because he’s an expert 1^st-person shooter.

He is expected to make a full recovery, but earns no points while he’s down and lost his special weapons.

OLYMPIC ROUND-UP

Michael Phelps is now the most decorated Olympic athlete in history, with a record-breaking 21 medals.  All the other countries are petitioning the Olympic Committee to make Phelps wear all his medals in the water from now on, just to slow him down.

Gold-medal winning gymnast Gabby Douglas has become a media sensation.  You can’t hear a newscast or talk show these days without comments on Gabby’s flips, twists, and curls – but those were just the jealous people, making fun of her hair.

            “Nothing But Net” or “Birdie Lays an Egg”

A scandal broke this week when female badminton players from China, Japan, and Indonesia were disqualified when they tried to throw their first match in order to be placed against easier opponents.  In high schools, this is known as the “get out of gym class” strategy.

This is the most embarrassing thing to happen to badminton since it was revealed that the “birdie” used in play is really called a shuttlecock.